suicide allie the ultimate self pity - ultimately selfish 990501 ... Starbuck sometimes the only way out 990914 ... no hero Once you said you'd stick to it until the end I guess you lied, they call it suicide Now you're gone What was so wrong that you couldn't find a way to carry on? Second guess Did I do my best There was a friend I had Johnny was a weirdo So what did you expect? I ain't no fucking hero I'm just trying to survive myself I should have known you went through it alone I wonder why did you even try? You could have come to me I would have helped you see You could have found a way to carry on Second guess Did I do my best There was a friend I had... 'Johnny's strange behavior was a tip-off,' they say But I ain't no fucking savior I'm just living day by day Little things, little lives hanging 'til the end I say it doesn't really mean nothing Telling truth, telling lies I used to have a friend I say it don't really mean nothing And I can't let this feeling go Let this feeling go Let this feeling go 991012 ... Drennan WHERE DID HE DO IT? in his bedroom. HOW DID HE DO IT? shotgun, two rounds, against the head, pulled the trigger! WHY DID HE DO IT? hole in his spine, no symptoms yet, irreversable paralysis soon to come. WHO FOUND HIM? his brother, such a selfish act, no thought to the feelings of the familly, no thought of the consequences, he just ran away from it all. 991015 ... trakie don't do it 991015 ... the black rabbit blanketed in a warm calm of numb discomfort. a suicide body has no complaints. a suicide body has no joys. a suicide body cannot hold tightly. 991103 ... |sCaRReD*disTrOyeD| Escape from the world. Escape from those you hate. Escape from those you love. The route that only the weak take. Suicide is the easy way out. Strong-willed people don't need suicide. Even those of us whos lives suck don't nessicarily need suicide. Suicide is the more extreme form of getting high. When you commit suicide you know you won't come back if it is done right. When you get high you know you will come back if it is done right. Suicide is the single most idiotic thing one can do. 991127 ... jennifer It isn't an easy thing to miss you. Every day, I think of you. You showed me how beautiful my life could be. But, I guess I took that for granted. Everything is so cold without you here with me. I can't tell you why I did what I did, it just happened. I want you to know that it isn't your fault. I kept thinking of the reasons I needed to die, instead of the reasons I needed so desperately to live. I lose a part of us everyday. The memories of your sunset hair, your kind eyes and your bright smile are all fading. You were the only one who loved me, through it all. No matter what happened to me. Win, lose, it was all the same to you. You always used to tell me how proud you were of me. But I guess I took all that for granted to. I never told you how much you meant to me. As stupid as this sounds, I was afraid of losing you. I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling you how much I loved you. But after I died, you were never the same. The part I thought I saved by not telling you how I felt about you, died when I died. I saw you at my house, after the funeral, crying alone. I wanted to hug you, to hold you. But every time I even tried to touch you, you cried harder. It was almost like you could feel me pass through your hand. I know now that you're the only person I will ever love. But now, I can never say I love you and have you hear it. I can never make you smile or laugh. I can never feel you in my arms, I'll never run my fingers through you soft hair, I'll never hear you tell me that you're proud of me, and that you love me. It's been almost a year now. Losing you was the worst pain I have ever faced. But, I know that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you're part of something wonderful. Which is all I've ever wanted for you. 991205 ... Jon permanent solution for a temporary problem 991206 ... deb but havent you ever just wanted to slit your flesh so deeply that you would never wake up? its a terrible feeling, but if you did (slit your flesh, that is) you would realise in a moment that OOPS thats not what i really wanted or is it? 991209 ... nameless when you kill yourself its not always to actually kill yourself, sometimes, its to get rid of the bad parts and when you commit suicide and it doesnt work out (thats the reason why people take 25 pills instead of 50 when they're commiting suicide), its still a great relief because thats when you get rid of this part you always wanted to. its kinda set you free 991218 ... andrea a guy i used to work with wonderful dude would give the shirt off of his back to a friend if they needed it was always nice to me my freshman year at school, my mom called and told me what happened to him i cried his poetry was phenomenal i just wonder what's happened to it now 991220 ... spikey-ho wanting to give it all up in a single moment of clarity 991231 ... Tess the peoples of the world decide together that their lives exist in the 20th century, but only with the promise that one day, they might commit suicide. and then they are gettin' it on and livin' it on. 991231 ... ROMiEttE LOVE is suicide..... 000301 ... sarah is the ultimate taboo - but very appealing. Would put an end to an unenjoyed existance. 000307 ... Midnight Bliss Taking the easy way out is very selfish in my opinion. or is it? in a way its selfish, in a way it's not. if you kept going on, you were apt to just torture yourself, but you made the decision...to end your life, to end your pain, but by doing so, you dealt a lot of pain out amongst everyone who cared for you. did you ever even realize how many people loved you? i don't think you did, but now it's too late to come bck and absorb all the love. one day though, i will be with you holding your hand and kissing your lips. i will be there as soon as is meant for me, dear nathan, and it may not be long, but wait for me and i will come. *shots ring through the air* 000319 ... Midnight Bliss explaining myself now, a wonderful guy killed himself march 7th, 2000, he was a great person, a magnificant artist...we all thought that he would make it to his dream job as a cartoonist for Disney. He did however, get into drugs and shit, and one night he decided to end his problems (he was also manic depressant) but he didn't realize how many people loved him. He had been labeled a "freak" because he wore make up and fingernail polish (black of course) he wore chains and spikes and things like a lot of us do. but everyone was so quick to judge him...little did most of them know, he was the sweetest most understanding person i've ever come across. he told some of his friends i guess that he loved me, which made me feel worse when i heard the news. the last thing he wrote to me was "don't forget me, your one true love" and i will always remember him as the spontaneous, energetic, happy, passionate and sensitive person i knew him to be. word of encouragement, don't give up on yourself, and no one else will give up on you either. 000319 ... MollyGoLightly goethe sent tons of melodramatic, trendy europeans to their deaths. 000323 ... med The ultimate fuck you. 000325 ... girl i dont think about it 000327 ... birdmad maybe there is a god. the fact that all of my most foolproof attempts have in fact been fooled is a testament to the notion that He's getting off on watching me twitch. tried to shoot myself ... the gun jammed. tried to hang myself in a lonely grove... the tree was blighted and the branch broke just before i went under pills resulted in a three day nap ( maybe i'm jesus ) threw myself in front of a car ... got severly bruised ribs and a nasty road rash, damn that driver and his combination of new brakes and quick reflexes the list goes on a litany of razorblades and poisons and car wrecks and lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) the most entertaining part of it all was the time i put a psychologist in shock by slitting my wrist in the middle of a consultation (and all i got for my trouble that time was a combination of detention and a really itchy inflammation around the edges of the wound that lasted for a week--tendinitis) i dont miss the vein... the vein seems to migrate back and forth from the point of the last wound. 000404 ... MollyGoLightly life's a gas 000405 ... amy love's taboo 000409 ... somebody murder of self 000417 ... calliope tempting. very tempting. very hard to hold onto myself sometimes. i just want to let go. i think if i did they would all say, 'yes, it was the best thing for her...' only thing keeping me going- a thought that maybe one day it will be better 000505 ... birdmad do what i do sometimes, instead of wishing YOU were dead, be enough of an unpleasant, evil pain-in-the-ass so that OTHER PEOPLE will wish you were dead and revel in it. Oh, and drink a lot... be an obnoxious drunk. It doesn't always help, it doesn't always work, but the entertainment value is pretty high and a hidden benefit is that it'll tell you who your friends really are. if they stick around in spite of the dramatic change in your behaviour but don't make a habit of flinging judgements at you, then they are worth keeping and think that you are too. The ones who ditch you are assholes and you're better off without 'em. 000505 ... Matthew I court it almost everyday. Drinking adrenalin as I push myself beyond the limit and to a place where safety exists only for the sanity of my soul. I cling to life only by the slimmest margins of the physical realm and delight in the danger as I force myself to greater and more risky ends. And there I find for a time absolute clarity and peace, for there is no room for anything else save my effort and my will. If it is strong enough I will overcome, if it isnt, I bleed. 000621 ... kim a selfish act that hurts too many people 000713 ... kim jc june 1, 1998 why didnt you graduate? 000713 ... johnny I noticed she went quiet, Slept a lot, "Hey, try to get out today" (Famous last words) Sunday night - the Phone call, She would`nt do that to me, She loves me, Loved me..... 000924 ... Barrett not a good habit to get into. 000924 ... god you are going to die anyway. what's the matter? you on a schedule or something? 001028 ... guitar_freak here i sit crying thinking that not far away is my death so quick so sudden the end to my pain if i had the nerve i might just do it the sleeping pills the docter gave me they could make me sleep for eternity the crank in my closet the bottle down my throat the end seems so comforting right now all i want is this life to be over i wish i had the nerve i wish i could i should just cry 001108 ... the void I hurt 001109 ... tazfab i see the countless christmas trees being put up in union square with tiny lights, like heaven's stars,reflecting on the snow the sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tears i hear the many christmas songs that people hold so dear but the sounds of music can't compare with the christmas choir up here i have no words to tell you ,the joy their voices bring, for it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing i know how much you miss me, i see the pain inside your heart. but i am not so far away, we really aren't apart so be happy for me, dear ones, you know i hold you dear. and be glad i'm spending christmas with jesus christ this year. i sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above. i sent you each a memory of my undying love. after all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold. it was always most important in the stories jesus told so have a merry christmas and wipe away that tear. remember, i am spending christmas with jesus christ this year 001116 ... satansatansatan i've spent every christmas with Jesus. he acts like he's so happy about it, but during the rest of the year he's always bitching about how he only gets one present 'cause it's his birthday. if i wasn't eternal and bound to end up back here anyway, i'd kill myself just so i wouldn't nave to hear it. "That which is eternal cannot die...but if it's any consolation, that hurt like hell." (my favourite line from a bad movie) 001117 ... Glory Box Why am I crying? 001202 ... corporal clegg what's troubling you? 001202 ... unhinged you are crying because you understand. you say suicide is selfish but have you ever felt the need? i knew the people that loved me i knew that it would hurt them. but it is nothing but the end my friends. it is not to be selfish it is not to hurt the living...it is to end. be forever away from everything that made you scream in the first place. people try to tell me there is so much to live for. i don't live your life. the things that keep you alive mean nothing to me. the sun is just a ball of gas, the clouds evaporated water waiting to fall back to the earth the stars even more distant balls of gas. depression clouds beauty into reality. SOMETHINGS I JUST NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN. SOME FEELINGS I JUST NEVER WANT TO FEEL AGAIN. WHAT THE HELL IS SO WRONG WITH THAT? FUCK YOU ALL FOR CALLING ME SELFISH. YOU ARE THE SELFISH ONE THAT WANTS ME TO LIVE THIS WAY WITH THIS PAIN. love is the ultimate self-sacrifice. i love you so much that i can't stand to see that look in your eyes. i love you so much that i can't stand not to see that look in your eyes. either way my heart is ripping. have you ever felt the fiber of your life ripping in two looking back at the last time you ever said goodnight with the shortest kiss you ever shared right before he pushed you over the cliff? i didn't think you did. you have no idea what this feels like...don't tell me i am selfish for wanting this to go away. you wouldn't want to live with this either. 001203 ... lovers lament waiting for your breathing to slow, so you won't know, hear me in my room , blade to skin, isn't this how my life begins? aw, poor little scar girl, they'd never understand, just hold out my arm, palm to hand, will you see it before it's too late? 001203 ... unhinged it is like a smile to see you here dear when i wanted to talk to you all summer i love you you know 001203 ... lovers lament i love you, unhinged 001204 ... frank (Well, hoop hoop) You say there ain't no use in livin' (Well, hoop hoop) It's all a waste of time (Well, hoop hoop) 'N you wanna throw your life away, well (Well, go on, do it!) People that's just fine (Hoop hoop) Go ahead on 'n get it over with then (Well, hoop hoop) Find you a bridge 'n take a jump (Well, hoop hoop, well, hoop hoop) (Well . . . ) Just make sure you do it right the first time (Hoop!) 'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump (Oo-woo-woo-woo-woo, oh, yeah!) (Hoop hoop) You say there ain't no light a-shinin' (Well, hoop hoop) Through the bushes up ahead (Well, hoop hoop) 'N we're all gonna be so sorry (Well, sorry, dead now) When we find out you are dead (Hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then (Well, hoop hoop) Find you a bridge 'n take a jump (Well, hoop hoop, well, hoop hoop) (Well . . . ) Just make sure you do it right the first time (Hoop!) 'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump (Oo-woo-woo-woo-woo, oh, yeah!) (Oooh) Now maybe you're scared of jumpin' (Well, oooh) 'N poison makes you sick (Well, oooh) 'N you want a little attention (Well, oooh) 'N you need it pretty quick (Well, oooh) Don't wanna mess your face up (Well, oooh) Or we won't know if it's you (Well, oooh) Aw, there's just so much to worry about (Well, oo-woo-woo-wooh) Now what you gonna do? (Hoop hoop) Go ahead on 'n get it over with then (Well, hoop hoop) Find you a bridge 'n take a jump (Well, hoop hoop, well, hoop hoop) (Well . . . ) Just make sure you do it right the first time (Hoop!) 'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump (Oo-woo-woo-woo-woo, oh, yeah!) (Well, hoop hoop) Now maybe you're scared of jumpin' (Well, hoop hoop) 'N poison makes you sick (Well, hoop hoop) 'N you want a little attention (Well, hoop hoop) 'N you need it pretty quick (Well, hoop hoop) Don't wanna mess your face up (Well, hoop hoop) Or we won't know if it's you (Well, hoop hoop) Aw, there's just so much to worry about (Well, hoop hoop) Now what you gonna do? (Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then (Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then (Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then (Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then (Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then (Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then (Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then (Well . . . ) You're on the bridge; Scared to leap, But a girl walks over To take a peep . . . She says: "DON'T DO IT!" But wouldn't you know . . . The girl got a head Like a buffalo With a little red hair All over the top An' her breath would make the Traffic stop She says "I LOVE YOU . . . BUT FIRST, LET'S EAT!" And all you can say as you run down the street is . . . 001212 ... chanaka screams PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!! god i miss you would you miss me? would anyone miss me? sometimes i wish i could find out 001212 ... god i'm here. what's up? 001212 ... a memory i'm so sorry. three...two...one 001224 ... guitar_freak I don't think that if you have a strong will you can neccisarily escape from suicide. You begin with a strong soul you see, but year after year of depression wears your soul down until, there is nothing left. Your soul has suddenly lost all feeling, all strength, all meaning, everything. There is nothing left but too die. I discovered, however, after three attempts it doesn't work the way one thinks. Maybe the soul has some reserved energy, a will to survive. I don't think I will ever know. 001225 ... R That's the easy way out. The hard thing is to stay alive... and I am getting so tired 001229 ... j_blue sometimes i think its a phase everybody goes through, like the identity crisis people go through when they realize they arent kids anymore i was through mine by 11 001229 ... Quiggz Hey yo. I know it's been said, and words won't help, but I still have to say it. It's not an answer. I was on the edge, praying for the strength to take the final step, to tighten the rope. But I never did it. And now I realized that if I had, it would have done nobody any good. It only multiplies your problems and puts them on other people, and for those of you who really are serious about it, I know you wouldn't want anyone to feel the way you do. And remember, even if you think nobody cares, no matter who you are, I will. I don't want anyone to try to take the route I almost did, no matter who you are, were or will be. Keep on pushing, and it'll all work out in the end. 010103 ... G_wiz13 im close to the edge right now. im close to the edge and im breaking down. its crazy how all of my friends and me included are suicidal sad but crazy 010103 ... peyton G Wiz 13.. don't do it. I want to kill myself too, and simply someone telling me not to has been enough to stop me. Write me if ya want to talk. I'll listen, and I'll respond. Anyone who says suicide is for the weak is fucking wrong. It's for those who have totally embraced despair. They have exhausted all their illusions. They know the truth. Just because your life got better doesn't fucking help me. Just because I am 99 percent certain mine will get better doesn't fucking help with the pain now does it? Does it?? Will fucking hope feed you when you are starving?? Can you put it in a glass and tell me it will make me all better? Fuck no. So don't you dare fucking call them weak. I call them martyrs. They died for who they were and who they believed in. They would rather die than change who they were. They were uncompromising people in an uncompromising world. I wish sometimes I was strong enough to tighten the rope. Maybe one day I will be. But if I could teleport to each of the people who have died and try to talk to them I would. I know that any one of them I could have saved. We had so much in common y'see? 010105 ... peyton G Wiz 13.. don't do it. I want to kill myself too, and simply someone telling me not to has been enough to stop me. Write me if ya want to talk. I'll listen, and I'll respond. Anyone who says suicide is for the weak is fucking wrong. It's for those who have totally embraced despair. They have exhausted all their illusions. They know the truth. Just because your life got better doesn't fucking help me. Just because I am 99 percent certain mine will get better doesn't fucking help with the pain now does it? Does it?? Will fucking hope feed you when you are starving?? Can you put it in a glass and tell me it will make me all better? Fuck no. So don't you dare fucking call them weak. I call them martyrs. They died for who they were and who they believed in. They would rather die than change who they were. They were uncompromising people in an uncompromising world. I wish sometimes I was strong enough to tighten the rope. Maybe one day I will be. But if I could teleport to each of the people who have died and try to talk to them I would. I know that any one of them I could have saved. We had so much in common y'see? 010105 ... peyton and sorry for the double post.. comp does that sometimes. 010105 ... Sintina Don't do it Peyton. You may not want to now, but if you ever want to again, save this one time that I told you not to for then. Don't do it GWhiz 13. (see above) 010106 ... G_wiz13 dont worry sintina i wont at least not now. my girlfriend means to much to me to throw it away by killing myself. 010110 ... G_wiz13 have you ever had this feeling that you could just end all the pain by one simple solution? I have. i think about it alot i could end all the sorrow that life has bestowed on me. but then i realize theres a couple things i have to do befor i can i can do it. there are some people that mean alot to me and i have to tell them how i feel befor i can end my life. at first i think well i can email them, because i dont want to get a bad reaction from them. but then i realize that i have to tell them face to face. and i can never bring my self to say anything to them. Who cares? its not like anything i say to them is going to change anything. maybe i should just end it here now. but i can't. god what should i do? I feel so lost. 010130 ... j_blue whatever there are ways to get out of thinking suicidal thoughts exercising is one, its a super mental health panacea how many athletes are suicidal? when i exercise regularly is when i am least neurotic its the easiest method, one i think most people overlook its weird and sucky that smart people tend to have problems with depression for their entire lives though but i guess you cant get something for nothing 010130 ... twiggie one thing i hate the most...is when people say suicide is selfish. when one is having suicidal thoughts, they are in so much pain, they aren't in their right mind...they can't think straight. The majority of the people who say it's selfish have never been suicidal. i think it's incredibly disrespectful to not acknowledge how much that person was hurting, and only talk about how selfish they were. life was unbearable when i reached this point. i got through it, but not everyone can. 010130 ... maxwell thorne Why am I not allowed to talk about this? Every time I mention it, everyone becomes really quiet, and looks at me as though I may need help. I'm not being morbid. It's just a topic that should be talked about more often. I don't see it as the peak of depression, and I don't think that it necessarily is. It simply a decision. It's an easy way out, and everyone has this option. It's one of the few things we all have in common. At least once in your life, you've thought about it. I know. You were just weighing your options is all. I guess that's really all I wanted to say. 010204 ... G_wiz13 your right I've noticed that too. When you start to talk about suicide people become quite and think your some kind of sick basterd. I myself am a sick basterd. I strive to stay away from the norm. I dont want to be like everyone else(its amazing how a high tolerance for physicla[not mental or emotional] pain sets you apart from the norm).another thing that sets me apart from the norm is that all of my teachers think i am a genius so they are always critizing me. they say that i should have an "A" in there class. Its funny I never do the work and i get like a hundred percent on every test.I even sleep in class. 010214 ... florescent light I've never understood why people call people who commit suicide cowards. If I had the courage, I would kill myself right now, even though I am very happy. I'm just tired of dealing with the world. And I consider myself to be a strong person, and I know I can deal with life, and get through it sucessfully. And I am planning on grad school, and I will be graduating in May with honors. And I enjoy it. And I have many other intersts too. I love to write, and I love nature, and I like computers, I love to learn- and I go out every weekend, and I have a good social life. And I've been having fun. And I strongly feel that life is beautiful. And I am for the most part - Happy. And I can tell you, I am a very mature person, and I despite the fact that I haven't acomplished all my goals yet, I know myself and I know that I am tired of dealing with life. But I am too much of a coward to kill myself - because I am too afraid of death. So each day I go on living, some days are better than others - and there are moments when I am soo happy to be alive, and there are moments where I feel like dying. I feel there are more moments of the former, than the later. But I am tired of wanting, I'm tired of feeling unfulfilled. I'm tired of dealing with pain - of any sorts. So, maybe I am a coward - because I'm tired of going head to head with the pain. Now I ask (and I hope someone can answer)- am I a coward for living, because I'm too scared to die? Am I a coward for living, because I wish I could die, and am too scared to take the risk? But if I kill myself, then I am a coward for not living. I guess either way I am a coward - so it doesn't matter. 010216 ... tourist When they found him in the Gutter, The pistol by his side. With no one there around him, Quite clearly, "Sewer Side". 010216 ... unhinged this always angers me, to tell me if i fulfilled my needs i am a coward. don't we every day live to fulfill our needs? people who commit suicide have a need for the end. it's not want, it's not choice, it's need. the reason more people don't kill themselves is because of our society's views that it is cowardly, that religion tells us that god won't love us if we throw away the life he has given to us. the other needs that society tells us are more important and they take over and more drug addicts and psychotics and co-dependents are born every day. what's the better need: the need to whore yourself out for drugs or the need to put the gun to your temple? is it better to live in the mire or be on the right hand of god? the people who commit suicide are the ones that can jump over the edge without needing to know what's at the bottom. that's not cowardly. 010216 ... Tank thank you unhinged for speaking my thoughts exactly... i see it about 3 times a week and have for about the last 10 years of my life... it is usually the same way - the moon, the ocean and aloneness... 010216 ... florescent light Today my friend's friend committed suicide. We closed the restuarant early. 010304 ... broken Does anyone agree that love is suicide. That life is suicide and that life is selfish, just as selfish as suicide. Does anyone understand how fucked up this world is and can anyone shut these thoughts from my head. I loved you. I loved you so much. My heart breathed for you and now it's in peices. Waking up in hospital and staring at the ceiling. An empty nothingness, burred with tears. I'm selfish I know. Someone kick some shit into me. Waking up without you. Why did I wake up. I'm not good enough for you. "I want to carry you around in a blanket and let no harm come to you." Bollocks to that you dick shit spineless nobody. Don't do that to ayone. You just don't. Grow up. Help me someone. 010312 ... mikey the biggest mistake i think. is when people call it an "Escape". an escape means you get away but are still alive and you made it. Suicide is the end. not an escape. ive had thoughts of it more then a few times. for me its more like driving home with tears in my eyes and just wanting to drive off the road theres cliffs some places i could drive into the ocean. but i will never do it for the simple fact my mom needs me. and so does my little sister. but this is just me none of us know what everyone else is going through. i can only offer the above thoughts and say i'll sit and talk to anyone anytime if you need it. or if you simply need someone to vent to or just listen. 010312 ... Aimee I've tried a couple of times. I don't regret it. I have my days where I wish I had succeeded... actually nearly everyday I do... People have tried to tell me "it's the most selfish thing you could ever do." like that's ever helped me. I used to be scared of my own funeral.. but I got over that grief... I even got over my families grief. But I'm to the point now where everyone just seems to ignore it... so much the better. 010312 ... dafremen When I die, I want to go NATURALLY. Don't get me wrong, I get tired of this "mortal coil" as much as the next guy and f*ck yea there are times when you wish it would all end. I'm in this for the ride though people. It seems like too many folx just can't see what I see. You don't see what part the pain and suffering play in making this life you have (WHOEVER YOU ARE) a perfect paradise, right here, right now. Ok so you're probably thinking, "Pain and suffering are paradise? What kind of sick freak are you?" Well I'm not a big fan of pain and suffering myself, in fact I've had my share.(See Painful , People , Love [See monkeys too that's funny as hell!]) What I've come to realize is that it's those REALLY bad times that I've had in my life, that have made the mediocre times seem so much better. I wrote a little poem about it and I hope you'll see what I mean. DID YOU EVER: Overlook the three-leaf clovers while searching for one with four? Forget how good well water can taste when you haven't had a drink for hours? How good a glass of soda can taste after drinking water for months? Have a better bowl of beans than those served with an empty stomach? Have a better piece of steak than one that came on the heels of a diet of beans? Curse the sun on a hot day and bless the rain when it came? Then find yourself waiting after weeks of rain for the sun to peek out of the clouds? Realize that now is what you have, good or bad, and that the pain and suffering of human existence is what makes the small pleasure great and the minor comforts heavenly? Perfect paradise is all around you and you don't have to wait for it, because it's already waiting for you. ---------------------------------------- Suicide is stupid for this simple reason: The ride ain't over yet kiddo! 010312 ... Mr. Wonderful All i have to say is Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem. __ 010312 ... dafremen Yea, it appears you and Jon both agree, he posted the same thing back in 1999. Guess it was time someone else said it again. Great minds run in the same gutter. 010312 ... mikey great minds think alike. is really a sorat illogical saying. it would seem to me great minds would think differently...then be able to find a middle ground and share the knowledge and they would both grow.... hmmmmm always fun lookin at things in a different light..or darkness. 010312 ... mikey sorat = sorta sorat is a typo sorat is when your eating an arbys super roast beef sammich and trying to type at the same time. 010312 ... just a punk ...stole you from me...stole you from your other friends...stole you from the world...stole you from God. i ask myself "why" sometimes. "why couldn't i do anything?" "why wouldn't you let someone in?" you were a very special person. you still are. you are not forgotten. i love you just as much as i did when you were here. it tore me apart to accept that i would never see you again...never talk to you again...never hear your soft paced breathing as you thought of something clever to say again. and that smile, that beautiful smile of yours. i'll never see it again. on august 27, 1998 ... an angel lost her wings... an angel forgot how to fly... an angel lost her soul. i love you tori. 010326 ... trazlo she walks in again asking why i want to take my brother away from god, why i want to throw my life away, why i want to hurt every one so much, why i am such a little whore. all because i wanted to know what the point of being normal was. nothing more was needed to set her off. as she leaves my bedroom crying for reasons unfathomable to me, i stare longingly at the razor on my desk and wonder why things are the way they are and why i can't sink the blade deep enough to let myself free. dad's weekend to own me comes and he goes through his ritual of telling me how fucked up she is. i defend her, the woman who tells me she wishes i would just leave and let her lead a happy life because i have clothes laying on my floor. he yells and tells me i'm immature then makes a racist comment to the man in the store. he tells me i'm not responsible and then hands me the pipe- his way of bonding. after we're both stoned he tells me he is dissapointed in me for being spineless and falling into drugs. he insists that if it weren't for him i'd be fucked over by mom's family. he insists that he is my saving grace. i see him hit my brother and make excuses. i see him throw me and give excuses. i see the rage rise behind his eyes until we acknowledge that he was right in hitting or throwing or that he didn't do it at all, it was jst in our minds. grandma comes in late one night as i'm doing homework and trys to make me see how my display of confused pain is pushing my mom over the edge. she says she tries to understand why i want so badly to ruin my life but she just can't. when i ask her what she thinks i'm doing she tells me she's seen my grades. it's nice to know the quality of my life is based on the grades i recieve in school. grandpa sits on the outside of the circle, his love based solely on your commitment to going to church. i am in the middle looking out. my only tie to sanity is my brother. he assures me that i actually am not the evil little thing the family makes me to store all the blame. i assure him the same. together we face them alone. fear of their anger keeps us from breathing. anger at our fear keeps us from living. i stare longingly at the razor on my desk and wonder why things are the way they are and why i can't sink the blade deep enough to let myself free. 010327 ... Dafremen Perhaps because we AREN'T to blame. We didn't put a gun to our parent's heads and beg them to be who they are or ask them to demand that we be who they are. I wish I were there with you right now. Not in some sick, twisted sexual way, but as one human being who knows your confusion and feels the pain right along with you. I would hold you and try to calm your pain and rage and longing for something better, if only for a moment. Perhaps in some strange way to calm my own pain felt so many years ago, yet so fresh in my mind when I read your words. To me the pain is the key and as "not normal" as I am, the lessons learned from trying to be an individual, the pain of society and "family" kicking their values and screwed up ideas into my head remind me of why I play the part these days. Of why I must "be normal". Of why I should have "gotten the grades" and gone to college. Of why I keep hitting brick walls now because I didn't. Oh it's not fair, there's nothing to argue about there, it's just the way it is, and that sucks. I am touched deeply by the consequences that you are now paying for decisions you did not make and the injustice of it all. The insensitivity of your parents to two human beings who they brought into this world without any thought of what it means to bring a human being into this world. I read you words and I am moved for you and your brother. He needs you. Stick around for him, and soon enough you will come out on the other side. The pain never quite goes away, and the stupidity of "the way things are" never gets any less stupid. You just get used to the stupidity and numb to the pain and you learn to LIVE with it. 010327 ... broken Everyone who has a view on suicide is very brave. I know how hard it is for you. Mikey, whoever you are. You wanted to sit and talk to 'the above' when I last wrote. Thanku. I need people like you when I'm on a dead end. Thanku.xx 010327 ... exodus how did i get to where i am now. I feel safe now but death looms over me. i dont know if i'm even serious about suicide. do i realy want to die? and which answer scares me more? i cant sleep anymore. i lay in bed for hours, thinking about how much i dont want tommorow to come. but sleep comes eventually, and when i wake up, i remember where i am and who i am and the state of my life. and thats when it hurts the most. i think that my depression is really just self-pity. i think that if i was a real man i would either move on with my life or end it. but istead i just block it all out. I remove myself from reality. but what will i do when i run out of time? If i could believe that a better life was waiting for me out there than i would have the strength to get through this. but i lost that hope a long time ago. But then there's her. the only one who knows that i hurt like this. she says she loves me, but then, she says that to everyone. but when were together, and i look into her eyes it makes me want to cry because i know she cares about me. and i love her. she's the first person i've ever been able to say that about. i was never that close to my family. maybe thats my fault, or maybe thats just the way they taught me to be. i love her more than anything else in this world and i would give up my life if only to make hers better. But she will never feel that way about me. it would be selfish of me to expect her to. and while it kills me to know that i could die without ever telling her how i really feel, i know the pain that would cause her and i could never do that to her. god, all i want is for her to be happy, even if i have no part of that. i would hold her and protect her forever if she would just let me. should the prospect of a life that i cannot have cause me such pain and drive me to such ends? I would like to say no, but if that were true, who WOULD kill themself? I hate my mind. these thoughts spin through my head and i cant stop them. IF I LIVE, THAN WHAT WILL I LIVE FOR. AND IF I DIE, THAN WHAT WILL I DIE FOR? i just cant do this anymore.......... "I was a soul among the souls of limbo, when a lady so blessed and so beutiful-- "I prayed her to order and command my will, called to me...--" 010402 ... florescent light Such thoughts spin, race through my head as well. I would tell you to hang in there, but how do I know that is the best decision? I don't know that the option to live is the best one. But, I do know that chosing to live isn't a infinite commitment. Life doesn't last forever. So I have chosen to live, even if it means saving the best for last, because death is inevitable, it will come, guaranteed. 010402 ... exodus the uncertainty is what haunts me the most. i dont know what will happen in my future, none of us do. maybe things will turn out better and i can finally be happy. but it seems that the more i learn and the greater my knowledge becomes, the darker my prospects seem to be. to see things clearly might be worse than being blind. it is the uncertainty that weighs on me most heavily. i wish i could be completely oblivious 010403 ... exodus "suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem." temporary problem? FUCK YOU!! what if my life is the problem? cause its pretty fucking temporary. people who know what it feels like to want to kill yourself EVERY DAY never say things like that. 010403 ... notspeakingfromexperience If life's that bad, can't you just fuck it off and go find a new one? 010404 ... Dafremen Not to be cold and callous, but I'm tired of your whining. Suicide? Fuck it, go for it. See you next time around. Adios, hasta la vista. I would suggest ways of quickly dispatching yourself, but I'll leave the details of how you do it to you. If yer not not strong enough to live life and not bitch about it when it's not everything you want, then you don't deserve life. So die. Goodbye. 010404 ... unhinged well, i think you succeeded at being cold and callous. it's a cycle. all throughout high school i never thought that i could actually do it. a knife...nope...too painful. same with a gun. where would i get the pills? what if someone finds me just in time? and then it happened and i was holding the blade in my right hand and that moment of epiphany that so many of you scream at all of us for that want to kill ourselves happened to me. it was an outside force, nothing to do with me that held my hand and struck absolute terror into my heart. a few months later, i thought that i could never do that, never attempt to do that ever again. and now, months later i feel it creeping back up on me. you are right. i am a whining bitch. i don't have the courage to give myself what i need. 'you can't take away the pain cause you haven't got the cure every drop just leaves a stain on you give me what i'm dieing for...' frank silver, ivet 010404 ... Dafremen Like I said, if you aren't strong enough to live life. Then take care of it. Here's my suggestion: Go to a highway overpass. Stand up on the railing, turn around so you are NOT facing the oncoming traffic. Then just pretend you are doing the Nestea plunge into a swimming pool. If yer not that coordinated, do the same thing off of the top of a tall building. Make sure that there's concrete on the ground and make sure that the building is at least 6 stories tall. Don't look down before you do it, just go about 3 feet from the edge and turn around and walk backwards. This is your final chance to put your money where your mouth is, either shit or get off of the pot. If however you decide that you can't go through with it...isn't it obvious enough? If you CAN'T bring yourself to end your own life then it's not that you want to die, you just want life to be everything that YOU want it to be instead of what it IS. Too bad..it is what it is, good or bad and THAT's what you got, period. So once again, stop talking the talk if you can't walk the walk. Either DIE now...or start living....and I'll join you in a beer. My life isn't everything I may want it to be, but it's what I got and that's enough. - - - 010404 ... andronicus Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come . . . 010404 ... dB I'm in total aggreement with Dafreman on this one. I have attempted twice, but that was years ago. If you try, and you screw it up, like me, you are just a screw up. If you try and don't do it properly, then you are a fake. If you do and succeed, well at least SOMETHING would be how you wanted it to be. Suicide is a done thing. If you decide to try, then get it right, and we'll bury you with dignity. If you decide that you'll try, but you ain't really into it, don't expect symaphy when you fuck it up. Chances are you were doing it to get attention anyway, and that is not how you get attention. If you would like people to take notice of you, then put your hand up and ask if you can use the pot, AND PERMISSION WILL BE GRANTED! WE A FAIR PEOPLE! Hang on... That's a Harry Enfield sketch. Damn, where was I? 010404 ... exodus I agree with Dafremen as well. I now i am a weak person. I know that i should just end my life or move on with it. But the fact that i know that doesnt change anything for me. its still my decision. and none of you know how it feels to be me. so dont judge me just yet. 010405 ... dB Tom Petty. Anyway, we may not know how it feels to be YOU, but some know the kind of situation you are in. Look, if you really wanted to do it, you would have already, without all this drawing attention to the fact. In which case, I offer my help. If you aren't willing to do it, well, that's cool. But you are obviously in some distress, and all I can do is offer advise based on personal experience or my small knowledge of psychology and human behaviour. Click on my name to send me an e-mail if you want. I promise I will not be harsh on you. If you don't want to, that's cool, but the offer is there and it's cheaper than therapy :-). 010405 ... lost THE END *the curtains close* 010406 ... nocturnal well now, that's not the kind of thing one likes to read on a page entitled suicide. curtains closing can't be a good sign. 010406 ... dB Another lost soul wanders out into the lonely night. I wouldn't worry Nocturnal. Whatever happens to Lost, the memory of that individual will live on. And anyway, death is just what happens when the carbon of our bodies becomes inactive. 010407 ... Dafremen The young bisexual's carbon quickly became inactive after he swallowed the spoonful of cyanide soda powders. In the morning paper, the headlines read: Bi Carbon Ate of Soda. (ahhh the pun...the second lowest form of humor, just after suicide) - - - 010407 ... elana i want to get away. i want ot go. i cant stand all of the gossip and the hurt. i cant stand being without you, why did you dump me? why did you hurt me like that? no body would deserve it. but i guess i did. i want ot show that its al your fault! those popular bitches in my grade, that ex that numbed my heart so that i am afraid to feel anymore. you did it! but i think- what would make a bigger point? to show that they defeated me? to show that i was the weak one, and that they succeeded? i think the bigger point is to show that they dont have that power. they cant break me. they cant. i am holding on strong and they are the weak ones. if you commit suicide, elana, they wouldnt understand why. but you dont, they wont get it either. but you probobly shouldn't do it anyways, cause this life might get a bit easier. does it make sence? maybe only to me. 010407 ... andronicus I entered my birthday in anydayinhistory.com and at the bottom of the screen read this "thought for the day," "Of all the ills that men endure, hope is the only cheap and universal cure. " 010409 ... Teddybear nothing can be better than a swan dive into the asphalt. 010409 ... dB Hope is not a cure. It's a symptom. 010409 ... as i'm ready 010409 ... exodus dB, explain. 010409 ... chanaka resume razors pain you; rivers are damp; acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. guns aren't lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live. dorothy parker...words to remember 010410 ... Dafremen Dorothy was a waitress On the promenade She worked the night shift Dishwater blonde, tall and fine She got a lot of tips Well Early up, I'd been talking stuff In a violet room Fightin with a lover's past I needed someone With a quicker wit than mine Dorothy was fast Well I ordered "Yea let me get a fruit cocktail I'm not too hungry" Dorothy laughed She said "That sounds like a real man to me" "You're kinda cute..wanna take a bath?" Baaaath I said "Cool, but I'm leaving my pants on because I'm kind of going with someone" She said "Sounds like a real man to me" "Mind if I turn on...the radio?" "Ohhhh my favorite song" she said and it was Joanie singin Help Me Think I'm Fal..Brrring phone rang And she said "Who-ever's calling can't be as cute as you" Right then and there I knew I was through. I took another bubble bath With my pants on All the fighting stopped Next time I do it sooner This is the Ballad of Dorothy Parker. - The Ballad of Dorothy Parker, Prince - - 010411 ... dB Hope is a symptom, by dB. Hope is a symptom because if you are not deserate and wanting to kill yourself, you aren't really hoping/wishing that things were better, because things are all good at the moment. When people are desperate and sad and shit, they wish things were better and they spend all their time hoping for someone to tell them it's all good, or hoping for something to be changed. Hence, hope is a symptom, not a cure. If it was a cure it would make people not hope, and therefore they wouldn't be wishing and wanting and all that crap. It's one way of looking at it. Hope is another flaw in the human character. 010411 ... Lindsey You were there swinging back and forth. A pendulum, a limp doll. Your name a sigh on my lips, my hands around your ankles, unable to look at your face, at your bulging eyes, your head falling awkwardly to one side. There is nothing glamorous in hanging. 010421 ... paul not today,there is still about a teenth in the tray. 010429 ... mmm sheena your right about the attention seeking behaviour, suicide should not be a cry for help... that should come before your ready to die 010429 ... Dafremen Words of wisdom from elena. At least YOU get it elena, at least you do. - - 010430 ... ^^^^^^^ oops, make that elana. 010430 ... L You might as well keep your existence going, who knows what is after this and it is most likely nothing at all. So fuck it all but stick around and fight back. Don't let the bastards get you down or maybe most of all try not to be your own worst enemy. Maybe it will someday make you strong. 010430 ... god from the noose 010430 ... kinkazoid my health teacher tried to teach us all that suicide is selfish because when you kill your self you are just thinking of your self and not everyone that cares about you. if you think that about someone who killed themself then you are the selfish one for not thinking of how much those people could be in pain. its his life and if he wants to end it its his choice and not yours to criticize. i believe everyone has a time and way to go that is set by God, but maybe if they kill themselves that IS their time to go and their way to go. You never know the real truth of anything untill you ask the big man. so wait. R.I.P dad 010503 ... kinkazoid my health teacher tried to teach us all that suicide is selfish because when you kill your self you are just thinking of your self and not everyone that cares about you. if you think that about someone who killed themself then you are the selfish one for not thinking of how much those people could be in pain. its his life and if he wants to end it its his choice and not yours to criticize. i believe everyone has a time and way to go that is set by God, but maybe if they kill themselves that IS their time to go and their way to go. You never know the real truth of anything untill you ask the big man. so wait. R.I.P dad 010503 ... kinkazoid i did not mean to put that twice, sorry 010508 ... Casey I remember standing at the top of the Holiday Inn's top story getting ready to jump, but i didn't. I just got off the raining and took the elevator back down. I still wonder sometimes why i didn't jump 010508 ... Dafremen Perhaps you shouldn't wonder so much why you didn't jump as be thankful that you didn't. I mean do you have any idea what it costs to re-blacktop a parking lot these days? - - 010509 ... el fagtastico You ever notice how life just goes on and on? I keep myself on automatic pilot: my feet walk in the right directions, my mouth says the right words, but I don’t remember any of it. Clock says one forty-eight. How are you supposed to spend your last hours alive? I listened to the radio. Switched the dials around, trying to find that song by Filter. That take my picture song. They stopped playing it. But I liked it a lot, a song you could lose yourself in and forget everything else. I’m sitting at my desk now wired on caffeine and scraping down hard with the pencil, filling up pages of lined notebook paper. Writing letters is the perfect way to kill time. Things you always wanted to say but never could, not when you were going to see them the next day, run into them a year from now in a coffee shop in West Hollywood. I’ll never have to stand in front of you and tell you I’m jealous. You seem so much younger then me sometimes. You never carved up the inside of your arm with a switchblade just cause you had to, reasons you can’t explain like if you didn’t maybe you’d suffocate from the blood building up inside. Pressure release. I almost hate you for your pure, unscratched skin. 010510 ... dls FUCK YOU ALL FUCK YOU IN YOUR PIOUS HIGH HORSE MOTHER FUCKING WHITE TOWERS Selfish? Fuck you, you come here, you pay my rent, you take care of me, you support me, you make it all better, fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Who the hell are you to call it selfish? You aren't in my head, you aren't working yourself for nothing, you aren't seeing everything I've FOUGHT FOR BEGGED FOR CRAWLED MY WAY UP FROM BENEATH A PRESS OF DEAD BODIES FOR go to hell, fuck you all! Selfish? The fuck it is, if I were a little bit stronger I'd be dead, it's the weakness and the fear that keeps me alive. you can all fuck yourselves, who do you think you are??? 010510 ... Dafremen Like I said, some people are just SCREAMING for attention. Duzzums want some understandinnnng?! 010511 ... dls fuck you, kemosabe. walk a mile in my moccasins. I'd like to be you; full of patronizing knowledge and probably a very happy mother fucker who is financially well off 010511 ... nocturnal sticking her nose in where it dont belon well here we go again. I can see this turning into quite an argument. let's see how fast y'all can bring this to an end. 010511 ... Dafremen I'll end it quickly. I would LOVE to walk a mile in your shoes. So I could show you how to do it with DIGNITY and with your head up and your whine muscle relaxed. Financially well off? Try came up to the U.S. with my pregnant wife and one child with 10 dollars in my pocket and a suitcase full of my kid's clothes. I worked my way to my place in life and I got hella lucky on the way too. Even if I hadn't you can bet your ASS I would still be clawing my way up the ladder to get where I wanted to be. Which is making just enough money to support my family of 6. Here's your clue Chemo-Saab-E: The world/universe/life doesn't OWE you a gawd damned thing. Shut your mouth, open you ears and your eyes and start making the most of it while you got it. I'd offer to let you walk a mile in mine, but they have holes clean through the soles and besides, my life and I have an agreement. I don't whine and it always gets better after it's gotten worse. So iffumz still wants that hug and luv and understanding... 010511 ... hopeless for happiness i sit in my room tears rolling down my face no one sees me no one knows how i feel i put on a big fat fake smile for everyone so they can all think i m happy but what's so happy about this place?? if i was garenteed there was something better out there i'd take my life in a second that's the only thing stopping me. 010512 ... Miner Would I? I'm not even sure if I could, I thought I could once, but realized it wasn't really what I wanted. I'm just not sure I could actually go ahead with it, its such a giant step, and such a waste. Maybe that is why we are so hollow as people. We cant even decide to do the most basic things available to us. 010512 ... Miner Theme from M.A.S.H. (Suicide Is Painless) By the Manic Street Preachers Through early morning fog I see Visions of the things to be The pains that are withheld for me I realise and I can see That suicide is painless It brings on many changes I can take or leave it if I please That game of life is hard to play I'm gonna lose it anyway The losing card I'll some day lay So this is all I have to say That suicide is painless It brings on many changes I can take or leave it if I please The sword of time will pierce our skin It doesn't hurt when it begins But as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger, watch it grin That suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please A brave man once requested me To answer questions that are key Is it to be or not to be And I replied oh why ask me That suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I... That suicide is painless It brings on many changes I can take or leave it if I please That suicide is painless It brings on many changes And you can do the same thing if you please 010512 ... the misrible little thing i am the girl from school that everyone thinks is perfect.my parents are rich, i seem happy all the time, but my life is hell i hate it all, the money, the whole life that i live, i dont know it just seems meaningless like i dont appereciate the things that i have. what if i killed myself, my parents would proly go on living their lives and not even think twice, either that or they would quit for a minute and realise how much they make my life hell. yea i think thats the one...i am going to go attempt suicide now.. goodbye cruel world 010516 ... fanta standing on the edge of a river and feeling a sense of peace when I think about the water enveloping me and taking away my pain 010520 ... fanta Now I'm not planning to kill myself, but I have, at some points in my life, thought about it. I have a few things to say about the "debate" you all have been having here. Let's try and be respectful and mature shall we? That means realizing that different people view things in different ways and that's okay. Basically telling someone they are stupid for thinking about suicide is, well, not going to help anything -- surprise. How about if we limit our postings to thoughts about the topic area without attacking others? If you must write like you do, save it for your personal journal. 010520 ... I_wear_longsleeves I have felt that it's time for the last resort and for those that feel it now, you are brave and you know the truth. 010521 ... empty heart my girlfriend used to say she enjoyed wearing longsleeves cuz it made her warm. She also had this dimple on her left cheek. Her eyes were like little fires. She used to call me her angel. And I called her my saviour. Because she was. I love her so much and she doesn't want me. I can't live without you. I can't breathe without you. I want to die. 010521 ... I_wear_longsleeves Hey, don't talk like that. You sound so sad. I know that there is no greater pain than heartache but don't kill yourself. Please don't talk that way. 010521 ... empty heart I can't help it She is so beautiful to me. I just feel like I will never be good enough or anyone. She left me because she couldn't talk to me anymore. But I loved her and I would have talked to her about anything. I would never have hurt her or made her sad. I love her 010521 ... I_wear_longsleeves Maybe she still has feelings for you. She would feel so terrible if u killed urself. Can u imagine. Don't do i. Maybe one day things will work out between u 2.Perhaps she was scared to tell u something and then it seemed to her that she couldn't talk to you. She might have been ashamed. x 010521 ... empty heart No she wouldn't have because she has nothing to be ashamed of. She is beautiful inside and out. 010521 ... I_wear_longsleeves Is that Chris? 010521 ... empty heart Who is this? 010521 ... I_wear_longsleeves It's me Chris. Call me right now. Love your saviour. xx 010521 ... Dafremen Ok so just one multi-part question. Who the hell is fanta? When did she get here? Where the f*ck did she come from and what the f*ck is she trying to say? I hope, for her sake, that she isn't trying to say: "don't judge what people blather about let them blather whatever they feel, we're all different after all" and at the same time trying to say: "I've judge the blathers that are critical of suicidal people to be useless because they don't help anything and so therefore I don't want you folx to blather criticizing suicidal people anymore." Make up your mind. Fanta, if you don't see the HYPOCRISY in the blather you just blathered perhaps there IS a good reason to kill yourself and after many years of development you can proudly say that you ARE that reason. - - 010521 ... Sol i tried about 3 years ago I guess, i was not in a good way, I tried to overdose on painkillers or something, I ate so many, and then i vomited constantly for about an hour, it looked like toothpaste. my stomach didnt want to die I guess 010603 ... Dafremen Stomachs are funny like that. 010603 ... unhinged i should do it tonight before i fall asleep before i think of you before i split in two 010603 ... CinnamonGirl only the fact so many people wrote here shows how much we're all just a bunch of depressed teens 010604 ... yummychuckle hey sol yeah ditto experience 2 years ago, though. wait no, almost 2 years. 010605 ... CinnamonGirl didn't mean it to sound shallow I'm aware that not only teens commit suicide, but it's true that teens are depressed for no reason and look at suicide as the perfect solution to every tiny problem just usually don't follow it, I'm like that too and actually killing myself seems far. Many time I just wish I was dead and to just disappear. dafremen said suicide is stupid because the ride aint over yet but after all, life is a rollercoaster ride to death and sometimes people get dizzy from all the turns of the rollercoaster and prefer to end the ride themselves, it lead to the same place anyway-death, they'll only miss a few turns on the way. I'm not saying suicide is a good solution because if we jump off the train too soon some people will get hurt, sometimes that hurt that might follow you-if not their bodies then their souls. ok enough with the stupid metaphores, shortly, sometimes this life IS too hard to bear and there is pain that is permenant so is it worth living when your soul is dead? yes, because you should let pain paint your pretty face-joy sticks shortly then it fades 010606 ... Dafremen That blather, my dear, was just so much more of that same drivel. Look we're NOT heading to the same place either way. I'm not sure what you THINK you're doing here, but this IS the destination. The RIDE is the end which requires the means. Getting to death is NOT the GOAL. It's not a finish line for gawd sakes. Death is sort of like being at Six Flags and having your parents come up at the end of the day and say it's time to go home. I'll say it ONE more time. You are AT the destination. The destination is a ride. The ride is called life. It's ultimate destination is NOT death. Death is what happens after life is over, not life is what happens on your way to death. Life is a joy ride, it's sad, it's happy, it's stupid, it's sensible. It's a f*cking Showtime special and YOU'RE lucky enough to be able to enjoy it in breathtaking surround sound and full projected 3d. Hell you can even make yourself the STAR in your own mind if that's what you choose. As for the pain and suffering and misery and depression. Haven't you silly people figured it out yet? I keep saying it, but noone's acknowledged yet. Pain and suffering are here for contrast. They're here to make small pleasure seem that much bigger and to make little comforts seem like MAJOR ones. For instance, take the moment you're sitting outside the principal's office. You're sweating bullets, butterflies in yer stomach, nervous wondering wondering wondering until the waiting almost kills ya. Then you get in the principal's office and he tells you whatever he has to tell you and then you walk out of his office and WHEW!!!! I mean all you did was walk out a door....but it felt GREAT to walk out that f*ckin door. Another example I like to use is thirst. Ever been out at like a park or a forest preserve or something and been playing or hiking for a long time til you were SUPER thirsty? I mean REALLY thirsty?! Then you go to get something to drink and they have those water spigots with the little pump handle? Now that water tastes like sh*t. Anyone can tell you it tastes like sh*t. It's rusty and minerally and just plain tastes like crap. UNTIL you go without water for awhile. Until you get really HOT and thirsty. Basically until you have SUFFERED first. THEN that water tastes GREAT! I mean yea some bottled would taste better, but the well water at the park tasting great?! That's NORMALLY unheard of, but thanks to pain and suffering, even that MINOR little comfort, becomes a big comfort. The moral of the story is this: You can be happy no matter what circumstances you are in, no matter what kind of CRAP life throws at you. You can live in paradise right here on Earth if you'll just do a few things. (And NO noone said they were going to be easy, but trust me, they get easier) 1. Stop wanting things to the point that you are miserable simply because you do not have them. It's ok to want stuff, but once your desires start to make you unhappy, let it GO! 2. Whenever bad times come around, remember worse times. Let those REALLY bad times be the backdrop upon which you measure your current situation. It won't seem quite so bad after all, guaranteed. Whenever the absolute WORST times come along, don't look at them as horrible times, just realize that they will be over eventually and when they are, THESE are the bad times that you will use to make OTHER bad times seem not so bad. Remember tedious boring times are GOOD times compared to really bad times. 3. Finally, realize how truly fleeting everything is. Realize that although your life may seem to be dragging on, in the grand scheme of things you've really only got about a cosmic minute or so to get your sh*t together and enjoy this thing while YOU get to take part in it. Then it'll be gone. Time WILL heal everything. That's cliche as hell, I know, but it's also true. There was some lady(do0d?) named fanta that blathered about everyone having a bucket of sh*t(emotional baggage from our past) and that some people choose to dump the bucket on other people's heads, some choose to sit down in their bucket and give up and some choose to plant a rosebush in their sh*t. Now I personally have no idea why ANYONE would keep toting a bucket of sh*t around, rosebush or no. So don't. Put it down, time will make it go away, all you hafta do is not think about it. That's it. That's why suicide is stupid. It's an attempt to solve a problem that in the end, isn't really a problem at all. See life isn't the problem that needs fixing, it's our PERCEPTION of life...that's what needs to be fixed. 010606 ... CinnamonGirl I'm aware of that daf but sometimes the preception isn't such an easy thing to change. "so choose a shooting star to believe that for you it can change everything, your heart will always want to forgive but for you it can't change everything" ghosts can't run away daf, the only way to run from yourself is to die now I don't plan to anytime soon but I do understand people who do, and you're right that death is what happen after life is over and not life is what happen while you're waiting to die, that's what it's supposed to be but sometimes life, yourself or you preception isn't the way it's supposed to be and there's not much you can do about it. I know how it is to drink after a long time not drinking and all those small moments and appreciate them but it's not enough, it's not what I call life and sometimes those small moments don't mean anything when something really bad happens or when your preception is completely wrong. 010607 ... Sol aint nice is it Yummy.? Didnt try that again chuckle. always wondered what it feels like tho, thats the main reason i think about it, just the experience, but i figure, its gonna come anyway, so i might as well experience all this first. 010607 ... Sol death that is not suicide 010607 ... Dafremen Run away from yourself? You speak as if you are a static entity and that "yourself" is some sort of constant. Your already limited experience(Hey neither one of us is in our 80s yet!) should have led you to the conclusion that you are NOT the same YOU today as you were a year ago. It is inevitable that you will change and be someone other than who you were yesterday no? So who exactly ARE you running away from? Why run? Time's going to replace that person you would run from anyhow, so why not STROLL instead and let time and further experience do the rest? Perspective is the EASIEST thing in the world to change once you know how, and life is the EASIEST thing to enjoy, again, once you know how. Ever watch a movie where one of the characters was just so stupid, or mean or insensitive that they pissed you off? Ever watch one where one of the characters or scenes or situations made you so sad that you cried? Ever kill yourself after watching one of those movies? Why not? You were angry...you were depressed...what's the difference? Is it because it's not real? Is it because it isn't YOU? Well then THERE it is isn't it? Why are some of you folx intent on making THIS situation, YOUR situation, more "REAL" than it has to be? Changing your perspective and enjoying life are the easiest things in the world to do...once you know how. Thanks for coming...enjoy the show. 010607 ... CinnamonGirl death is not suicide but suicide IS death 010608 ... CinnamonGirl so tell me wise you, how can I change my preception? how can I change myself? oh yeah I've changed through the years but the person who is me and who is inside of me stuck too deep have always been the same as much as I try to change 010608 ... dB Ok, I will be frank here. I've always been totally honest on blather it's the only means I have to do that. I have been thinking about doing it for a few months now. Hell it wouldn't even be the first time I've tried. Look, Daffy, if you are not happy with what's going wrong, and there is no other concievable way to change things, you've done your homework, you've asked several independant minds for their opinion, you've delt with every other option. Nothing turns up trumps, so what do you do? I'm not exactly gonna do anything yet, because, as you would say, I have my whole life in front of me. But I've SEEN what lies beyond tomorrow. And the next day. and the next. So who cares if this is the bed I've made for myself. I don't have to sleep in it if it smells like shit and the sheets are creased. It's a freedom of choice, right? Isn't that what democracy and capitalism is all about? Those who make good shall florish and the shit can lie in the gutter. Those whos hearts belong to something diffrent from the almighty dollar can go jump. So why should we not? it''s not like there is anything else to keep us going. 010608 ... Dafremen The first step is to get over yourself. We all tend to take our priorities, feelings, concerns and desires entirely too seriously. We tend to put too much emphasis on the ME part of life. Life's going on all around you kid, stop fixating on YOU and YOUR troubles. All of the stuff that seems so important today is gone tomorrow. Was it really worth sweating the little sh*t? YOU have to change your perspective. I can't tell you WHAT will finally motivate you to do so. Until you are motivated to do so, you'll continue to talk about how HARD it is to do. How difficult it is to change. How hard it is to start looking at life as an entertainment instead of a torture. Hey, that's your call. I've told you where the water is, whether you drink or not is on YOU. Next time you want to cry, try laughing instead. 010608 ... ignoramus you don't need to change yourself - just your perception of yourself and the world around you. and you don't even need to do that. be yourself. and, be selfish about it. no one has to live with you but yourself. as far as changing your perception. that comes with experiencing life and gettin' older. it's difficult to take a step back and look at the larger picture. i think you already have. you're doing it now. this place has many faceless, varied entities running through it with as many varied perceptions of life. and, there's nothing wrong with suicide - death works for some people. the ultimate in relaxation. if i wasn't laughing, i'd be crying. 010608 ... dB A permanent solution to a temporary problem - that is what the wise and good people state to help. The way they make suicide look like a decision based on cowardice is remarkable, when in the end it is a clear statement of one's strength - at least mine. I cannot speak for all those others. For all those others that take sleeping pills to attract attention. For those that wait on the roof of a skyscraper until someone notices them to call the cops. I can only speak for myself, and my decision is not based on weakness but on absolute power. Hamlet said it, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Camus and Sartre considered the question. It is not based on weakness but on a free will, the liberty to contemplate the unthinkable. It is a question only the strongest can face. They say it is easy to escape life but hard to go on with it. What fools. How many people can hold a gun to their head and pull the trigger? How many can cut a knife into their arms to pierce arteries and veins? How many can make the little step off a skyscraper? How many can swallow the cyanide pill? Small movements, a jerk of an index finger, a cut, a step, a swallow. How many think they can do that but have to face their weakness on the doorsteps of a mysterious, scaring new existence? How many have the mental strength to deal with such a decision? How many can question their lives? How many can face the fact that all they have done is useless and that there is no use apart from procreation -and what kind of a goal is that? Fucking, as the meaning of life. A goal for rabbits, for sheep, not for humans. And yet it is good enough for most. To wait, to wait for something to come, to save them, something that does not exist, something that does not come. And so they keep on giving birth while standing on their graves, waiting like sheep. How many can ask those questions? How many can draw the consequences? Those mentioned philosophers did not. None of them did agree to it in the end. None of them. Because suicide is wrong? Because as Nietzsche stated, the philosopher has to live his thoughts and hence set an example in dying. None of them were strong enough to do that. Whimps. Intellectual wankers, smart asses, suckers. Unworthy to have been read by me. It is easy to live, to go on with it, to stand the treatmill. All you have to do is switch off your brains, not think, do what you are told and expected to and you will get old. There is nothing easier than living. Man is built to endure pain. He can easily bear the whips and scorns of time as long as he doesn't question them, and as long as he is not confident enough to wonder whether it is worth suffering. All it takes is to stick to the routine. There is nothing simpler than that. Yeah, sure they will find reasons when they dig in my past. They will say: He could not stand the pressure his profession had put on him, he had always suffered from depression, he was suffering from a broken heart when his girlfriend left him. He could not stand loneliness, unrequited love of all sorts. He was too sensitive. Those would be their words. Bullshit. And they will be feigning sympathy and compassion, they will look at the art, the literature and state how great it was, what a loss it is, what a great future lay ahead of him. The sympathy of the deaf, dumb and blind, the braindead, the sympathy of the hens in the battery. This is not the reason. Sure, I am bleeding all over the place, sure I am suffering from pressure, sure I have always been depressed, sure all of this is true. But it is not the reason. I am not doing this out of pain. This is a decision based on positivity. Lust for life. But not that stale and dull life. Real life, genuine emotions. To shake off this mortal coil, To step up to the Gods and to spit in their faces, To make the final decision, the only one that cannot be undone. Knowing that it might be a terrible mistake, a Faustian mistake, a bargain with the devil. A voluntary step into something unknown. Emptyness? Heaven? Hell? Suicide is not based on weakness, it is based on absolute power - at least in my case. Imagine: To stand on top of the highest cliff. To feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements. The only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy. The beauty of the abyss. The anticipation, like anticipating the greatest sex, an existential foreplay. Looking down into oblivion and voidness. The ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away. Standing there. Feeling eternity in a restricted world. Feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence. To draw the final breath, To make that little step, To know, that for once a decision was made, To feel one foot above the abyss, To think for a split second you can float in the air like the cartoon characters on TV, To feel losing balance, To fall, To gain speed, To have the air tear at your hair and clothes, To feel the cold wind violently caress you, To see the ground coming closer, To scream in orgiastic excitement, To know what you have done, To know that you have done something for once. Maybe even: To doubt, To regret, To wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from. Mercilessly To fly into annihilation, To see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only. Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than 10 years of most other people, Than the whole life of most other people. More true, essential, focused, divine. Purer. 70 years forced into seconds. Refined into pure knowledge and truth. Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime. A worthy payment for endless agony No more endless, unbearable pain. No more routine. No more repetition. No more -- Peace. To sleep, perchance to dream. To give in to the tiredness. To fall asleep. To find solace. No more agony. To end. The end. *This was a short thing on a web site I found. The author is unkown. Suspected to be dead. I wish him luck on the ohter side. Him, and those like him, they know. Those who survive, do not know, so don't pretend you do. Do not try to sympathise. And Those children that you step on As they try to change their world Are immune to your consultations They know perfectly well what they are going through* *Much Peace* 010608 ... Dafremen As for you Db, I can only say this: There will come a time in your life, not too far off, maybe 10 years, when the days will stop dragging on. Instead they will seem to fly by faster than you'll be able to file their memory away in your mind. As those days slip by and you find yourself frantically grabbing moments by the fistful, trying to stuff them back into your life to no avail, as you watch each blur into the next I want you to stop and look back on this blather. On these long tedious days that you thought you KNEW would last forever, and I want you to shake your head and maybe smile at the you that you are now, but won't be then. Know what I think you young folx dislike about the future so much? I think you don't like the fact that everytime tomorrow comes around you find out that you DON'T know as much as you thought you did yesterday. Well that isn't going to change. Plan on being wrong about certain things for a few more years, plan on being wrong about SOMETHING for the rest of your life. It's part of the human condition, embrace it. 010608 ... the dark of ether the more people i talk to, the more news i read and watch, makes me fantasize about it, even more. narrow minded, cruel, sick and sad our society is. i heard that i'll go to hell if i partake - if i indulge in death. the televangelist says i'm going anyway, it's okay though, my friend, she has short hair and that means she's going too... according to him. we can be bisexual in hell, together. I'd suffer more as a slave to god than a man with free thought, in hell. he says god wants to help me. god should have helped me along tome ago. i think i'm set in my ways, the ways that i've developed due to this evil world, that god, let be. it's craziness, i want to die. 010612 ... kari i started to cry when i herd them say "good-bye" i dont know why but the thought ran through my head will it be better if i am dead? i sit here thinking what i just said.......................... "good-bye" i said this to my friends today. they said no and i said i had to go. i told them that i loved them and i would never forget them. they said they loved me to and they hated to hear me say that i was going to go. i sit here reading what every one has wrote, i wounder why they want to die. i still hear the words echoing in my head the words i said "GOOD-BYE I AM GOING TO DIE" i can hear my mom scream she is yelling call 911. i can see she is crying and she is in shock. when the ambulance gets to the house they tell her its too late i am already gone. she sits and thinks what went wrong? why didnt she talk to me and what could i have done to prevent it. i say to her when she finally goes to sleep;it was me who went wrong it was me who could have asked for help and i didnt, i tell her that it was me who never wanted to talk. and i tell her one last time i love you and i say, "GOOD-BYE" i say to her i am sorry but i had to die. i am at the funeral and i am seeing everyone cry they are all thinking why did she have to die. i dont belive how many people came to my funeral. i didnt realize how many people actually cared about me. i am thinking to myself why didnt i realize all these people cared for me before i did this. i am starting to regret this then i remember why i said "good-bye" i said "good-bye" because i am not going to say hi my name is kari and i am a drunk who cant keep friends, who is someone who dont give a shit about anyone or anything anymore. at aa meetings 4 times a week i am now going to go get the gun so i shall say "good-bye" it is time for me to die. 010620 ... black-dyed gel product On the day that I graduated high school, an old friend of mine asked me if I would attend her funeral when she turns thirty. I told her that I would be honored. 010620 ... Dafremen Very very good! My my my aren't we evolving now...you've gone from being whiney, self-absorbed, melodramatic twits to...er...hmmm...uh.... Well sh*t evolution takes centuries if not millenia, what did I expect? 010621 ... black-dyed gel product I not just stupid, whiney, irrational, nonsensical comments. On a rare occasion I have a cognizant thought. Wheaties - breakfast of champions. 010621 ... cali j i wanted too...wrote the letters wanted to do it quietly noone knew i cried felt sorry for myself all of the miserableness the pain wanted out instead i had a fight with myself i said what the hell are you thinking yah life sucks right now so shit happens you'll get over it just live with it LIVE its not fair to those you love do you want them to feel the very thing you are trying to escape so i sucked it up and well what da ya know damn the sun does rise and set again and eventually it starts to become beautiful 010622 ... florescent light why can't I just be normal? 010626 ... Dafremen You can florescent...the question is..WHY would you want to be normal? You're so much better than that. (Course then again I want to be stupid, so I guess I shouldn't talk.) 010626 ... Aimee My college told me they'll give me life insurance, but they'll cancel it if I ever commit suicide... good thing to.. I doubt I'll need it then. 010719 ... Skalar I tried it once. it didn't work. Now i'm glad it's something i failed at. Life truly is a gift that we're meant to enjoy, rather than a burden we suffer. Failing at suicide taught me that much. 010803 ... TalviFatin Ya know...I could kill myself so easily. Luckily I chose not to ingest too much pennyroyal. 010803 ... Weed Eater Yes yes, everyone considers suicide at least once in their life, everyone! But get over it! I don't mean to sound insensitive, but suicide is completely selfish, there is NOTHING that is so bad you can't handle it. Suicide IS weak because people who do it "can't take anymore." So they end it. No more pain and suffering. No more coping with stress. What a cop out. It takes a STRONG person to say, "I will get through this, no matter what...I will survive!..YEAH!" I think the grand_scheme_of_things sets us up to encounter self-terminating thoughts at unknown intervals, as a test. There is always a way to avoid temptation, there is ALWAYS an out provided. So you've made a mistake that will "ruin your whole life"...So what, that's how champions are made. You think the richest men in the world never made life altering errors. Do you think the most generous people didn't survive a lifetime of abuse? Think again. If you are seriously thinking about killing yourself, may I suggest these two steps...that's it, just two things! # 1. Try again...whatever it is that is not working, try to make it work again. # 2. If it still doesn't work, make a few minor, necessary changes and go back to step #1. 010804 ... Norm There's a basic human instinct that is self preservation. I dont understand suicide. other than that theres nothing I can say that won't get someone killed. It's to complicated. Surpress your emotions and drink up... 010828 ... yah I'm already dead. I've already killed myself. 010828 ... Inanna A friend of mine was married, and her brother commited suicide that same day. 010828 ... amy so what? 010829 ... Hebrew Conquistador You commit suicide = you're an idiot. I have no sympathy for idiots. So go ahead and do it, and I'll be one car length up in traffic tomorrow. 010830 ... TalviFatin I swear to god I'll do it. 010830 ... god suicide_chump 010830 ... lexxa i am obessed with it... i can't live with out thinking about it... 010907 ... distorted tendencies john tried to kill himself the other day, that's why he wasn't at school. because he was dead cold passed out in his bathroom floor and then sent to the hospital. that asshole. his mind is clouded and he doesn't see the truth of things. 010907 ... Norm me and my buddys hear about this party for another school on the other end of the city on icq. so anyways we ask around about the party like whos having it and everything so we got our facts straight when we head out there. we pick up this guy that goes to that school, you know, for good measure. we get there and theres a bunch of guys sitting in a car in the drive way and there like "you won't get in man". we give it our best shot anyways. we go up to the door and this huge guy is like "who are you guys? do you know who lives here?" so we say the guys name and hes like " ya he lives here but its not he's party and hes not here. its his sisters party" luckly the good measure comes in handy and this chick is like "no let them in that guys in my chemistry class." we get in and theres people all over the place even the chicks mom was there in the kitchen and she was doing dishes or something. well theres a beer tub downstairs and a fund for the low on brew. I thought I could get some but I was gaurded by some huge guys anyways. I got upstairs and theres dick all places to sit. then all the sudden some guy runs out of the hallway yelling "some chick just slit her wrists in the bathroom!" every seat in the room clears. a couple of my pals go to check it out and I just take advantage of the empty seats. I only got to sit down for a while though the chicks mom came out like 20 min later, there was only a few people left and me, my buddies and 2 chicks were the only ones upstairs, and says "what the fuck are you kids still doing here? a girl tried to kill herself thats usually a party killer. get the fuck out of here!" so where like "Its cool weve finished our beer now anyways she got really pissed turns out I know the girl who slit her wrist's best friend and she told me the chicks sister died in an avalanche last year 010908 ... Norm Go for it! Just don't shoot up my school dick head 010909 ... Robbie the chaotic poet pain goes away, but blossoms elsewhere. Greed in death. Ending unnatural.... traumatic... painful... death do us part 010910 ... something in the way please don't tell me that i am selfish. do you think that helps? that it changes my mind? telling me that i am selfish only makes me hate myself more, makes me feel even more that everyone would be better off if i was gone. true,part of why i want to leave is that i cannot live with this pain anymore. but i truly believe that the world would be better without me. i can't think of anyone who would be devestated by my absence. i am unimportant and therefore could have very little of an effect on anyone. i would be doing everyone a favor. favors aren't selfish. they would no longer have to live with me and my problems, my troubled head. i would no longer be wasting their time. and who ever came up with that phrase, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"? how clever and original. those fucks! whoever said this could not possibly understand that some problems are permanent. they clearly do not know anyone who has had psychological problems. how disgusting for someone to make a statement about something that they so clearly do not understand. depression certainly can be sparked by temporary problems, such as certain events in one's life. however, depression also can exist for no apparent reason. i don't want to kill myself because of the shit that occurs in my life. i want to kill myself because i am depressed. i have been depressed for so long now that it seems to be a part of me, a part of me that will always be here, permanent. i feel like i will always be depressed and then i become depressed about being depressed. that's when i know i am low. depression is not always a temporary problem. medicine does not work for everyone. sometimes medicine fucks you up even more than you were in the first place. and even if depression wasn't a permanent problem i have to deal with, i don't think that i should have to live with these so-called temporary problems. the only person in the world who has ever really listened or understood me, is starting to not understand anymore. he doesn't really love me anymore either. so the one person in the entire world who has gotten me through all my shit and who has helped me through all of my depression and suicidal_tendencies no longer understands me. he made me stronger and now i have lost my temporary strength. must i live with the shit in my life? am i supposed to want to live when the man who is supposed to love me unconditionally, my father, hates me. do you really think it is fair for me to try to live through the pain of his verbal and physical abuse? he says he wants to kill me and he chases me around the house until he gets ahold of me and then throws me across the room. even if this is a "temporary problem", even if i could get away from him, i still have the years of emotional scarring that i can never forget, that will always haunt me. what a distorted view of love, my father. and i don't know how to hate him. i still love him, which is why he is able to hurt me so deeply. so do you still say that it is selfish for me to commit suicide? well, fuck you. i have tried before, and i guess they were unsuccessful attempts because i am still here alive. i screwed it up. no, i was not doing it for attention, i am just a screw up. i did not change my mind, i really wanted to die and i screwed up. you people just love to attack someone who is already in so much pain: saying that a person wants attention or that they are selfish. even if a person does want attention, perhaps they really need it, because if that person is trying to get attention that way, they are obviously sick in the head. so please do not tell me i am selfish. i am trying for now to hang on, to not disappear. every day is hard, but i am trying. i do not make any promises of being here always, because i don't know how long i can last, but for now i am trying. but do not call me selfish, because that is the cruelest thing you could say to someone who is already in so much pain and hates themself so much. please do not call me that. 011002 ... lost i have been thinking about it quite a bit lately. i'm kinda happy today so maybe i will stop wanting to die for a little while but i doubt it. 011003 ... Bonaduces Sarah made her 1st attempt to go out since the incident and all our vigilence had been relaxed by time. She shifted keys from hand to hand, while she was straightening a straight watch-band. The she seemed to ask permission, so we complied. Candles burning down; the clocks are all exhausted now from the weight of being watched. But all those prior scenes- the stomach pumps and bleached out sleeves - weren't as far away as we thought. And we were failing to acknowledge what's so obvious, all those signs we've seen before. Like Sarah's black pyjama's peeking out form the clothes that she plucked up off the bathroom floor. Suicide can be this subtle thing that keeps burrowing through your routine until you're not eating and phones just ring themselves to sleep. But now it's all becoming clear that any victory we claimed this year was just us redefining death for ourown relief. Candles burning down. The clocks are all embarrassed now from the weight they've been asigned. Like when you made a tool from a turtle-shaped wading pool and stripped all innocence from our lives. And I've called up every place she might go but nobody's picking up the phone. But in the early morning hours when ours starts to ring it hits me what they might now want to know. Doug MacLean '97 011004 ... emerson imitation is suicide 011024 ... Dafremen suicide is an imitation...of death. (and a piss poor one at that) 011024 ... KammeO Since no one ends with death, suicide is like "throwing out your shoes" just as you begin to climb. Remind yourself this reality is temporary anyway...hang on for the ride of this life! 011113 ... Rhinna 'One more Unfortunate, Weary of breath, Rashly importunate Gone to her death! Take her up tenderly, Lift her with care; Fashioned so slenderly, Young, and so fair!' -T. Hood 011113 ... James T. McRae being driven to have no hope. Being forced by others to end your existence. Abandon all faith and take control and for a few seconds feel truly immortal. 011120 ... Lindsey i told him i was afraid that last night would be the last time i saw him alive. he said it almost was. i refuse to sing love songs at his funeral. 020102 ... Mahayana: Zakah: all i want lately [i try different ways 2 live but it really is all the fucking same, at the end of the day, im just not fucking good enough, & im tired of looking inside of me] [[i cant look inside of me]] [you are the only one that wants me] [suicide][cover right eye] [[felo de se]] [suicide][cover left eye] its all the same 2 me 020102 ... all i wanted was a pepsi sick of people-no one's real sick of chicks-they're all bitches sick of you-you're too hip sick of life-it sucks suicide's an alternative sick of trying-what's the point sick of talking-no one listens sick of listening-it's all lies sick of thinking-just end up confused sick of myself-don't wanna live sick and tired-and no one cares sick of life-it sucks sick of politics-for the rich sick of power-only oppresses sick of government-full of tyrants sick of school-total brainwash sick of music-top-40 sucks sick of myself-don't wanna live sick and tired-and no one cares sick of life-it sucks suicide's an alternative sick of life-it sucks sick and tired-and no one cares sick of myself-don't wanna live sick of living-i'm gonna die suicide's an alternative 020102 ... Tumek the cowards answer to a problem that they don't have the guts to face. granted it takes courage to go through with, but it's only done in the hope that death will be better than life. 020112 ... kelli crane my brother killed himself when i was 16. i killed myself a year ago. my ex-boyfriend called 911 when he found his methedone bottle empty and i was on the couch with no pulse. they had to stick a needle through my heart like in pulp fiction. sometimes i wish he never called. other times i guess i really don't care either way. for all of those who think that whoever commits suicide is week and selfish...etc...you've never been there. it's a feeling you get when the pain is so unbearable that you absolutly can't take it anymore. They say that God never gives you more than you can handle. Yes, he does. And at the time i just wanted the pain to go away. if you were on the 50th floor of a building that was on fire and you caught fire...would you stand there and burn or would you jump, knowing you were going to die, just to kill the pain. I'd jump 020112 ... SuicidalAngel I'd jump too. Everyone that says suicide is selfish - is ignorant. They have no idea what it's like to be in the situation. No one wants to hear your oppinion because you have no idea and if you HAVE tryed to kill yourself, you clearly didn't want it as bad as most. I do understand it's a sickness. This sickness blinds you from certain things. I was talking to my friend the other day and she said she thinks it's selfish too. She said there is ALWAYS someone to call. I was tryin to explain (without letting her know I've been/am there) that sometimes people Can not see that. Sure therez people to call but they can't make things change and no one cares. They'll only say "You're stupid - You're selfish" Is that supposed to make us feel better? Not only does my life suck and I fuck everything up, but you think I'm stupid and selfish as well. Thanks 020113 ... kelli crane to say there's always someone to call is the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. Because i remember being in i place in my life where there was really no one to call. Do you think she would have accepted my collect call. If my own family wouldn't have.......well, it's simply this, don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes....then take 100 methadone! 020113 ... kelli crane go to: suicide_too 020113 ... James T We were born to the same place, hospital and time, He was not just a brother, but a friend of mine, Our lives were worth living, we grew up immortal and strong, Then the drugs came and we didn't last long, We made our enemies in the friends we met, gangs, drugs and money, I looked in his eyes, his destiny was set. Up on the bridge is where my friend left me, he looked up at the sky and then out to sea. He too a deep breath, then looked down at the land And let go of the bridge that he held in his hand. 020124 ... j_blue peaches_christ this is a long blathe i greet suicide with nonchallance i grieve our world, not suicide suicide reminds me that our world really is a free one, and we dont have to participate if we dont want to and if you can control how you go out, do it with a bit of imagination... 020125 ... kelli crane I totally agree. And yes this blather is too long. That's why I extended it with "suicide too." I'm not saying everyone should go run out and do it. But I don't think people should judge what someone else has every right in the world to do, or hopefully not do. 020125 ... mcdougall sometimes i think it sounds like a good idea. i plan it out (im the type of person that does that). then i relize that i would miss all of my friends and my family so much. i relize that even though they all anoy me, it all gets better eventually. school will end soon and thats one less hassel. as soon as i get a car i can start running from my problems. ill like that. suicide? in the end it's not for me. 020127 ... Phil (causes crying) People are never allowed to visit my grave. Not a moment passes each day, an open casket lies to capture my corpse. The tragic moment bled from my memories, my eyes stared into the beauty that unfolds after death. Disconnected from the true tragedy. But a strong will took hold after the short conversation. My scarless arm, something to believe in. Each day a new thought I still can only wish had formed back then, the day the actions of my body showed me the power of my unnecessary. Beauty so costly, it seems as though my fate is now sealed, and how I feel now it seems will stay with me, what reason is there to stay a fool scratching* away at nothing but the roof of my coffin? 020127 ... apathetic alex Can Anyone Really Live without You? 020226 ... Arwyn The only time I really came close to sincerely trying was about 2 or 3 days after my grandfather died. I couldn't stand living in a world in which he no longer existed. I mean, what was the point? He was like my dad. He did all the dad things cause my dad wasn't there. I couldn't stand knowing I wouldn't see him for such a long time. 020227 ... Sailor Jupiter I've been here on and off for days reading what everyone has said on this topic. Why do you judge others and yourselves so harshly? I have attempted sucide 3 times and still get deep in the slumps every once and awhile and think I'd be better off dead. But hey, I don't know what waits for me on the other side. it could be a helluva lot worse than this. So I stay and smile and enjoy what I can. 020227 ... reenz so sad..... :( 020311 ... she How can suicide be considered selfish? True, it may hurt your friends and family and so on, but what were they doing while you were in your downward spiral? Laughing, joking, driving their expensive cars. AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE! How selfish can you get?! You don't just go from your happy, bubbly self and kill yourself the next day. No, you see it. You can watch the life drain if you watch close enough. Nothing makes them happy, social isolation, you can see it. I've seen it... "Suicide took the lives of 30,575 Americans in 1998 (11.3 per 100,000 population). More people die from suicide than from homicide. In 1998, there were 1.7 times as many suicides as homicides. Overall, suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for all Americans, and is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24. Males are four times more likely to die from suicide than are females. However, females are more likely to attempt suicide than are males. 1998, white males accounted for 73% of all suicides." www.cdc.gov 020312 ... exotic skittle it's like telling god 'i quit'. it's selfish, yes. but sometimes it's the only possible way that you can see to be happy. 020322 ... Sailor Jupiter I had a long discussion with a friend about this last night. I got the same reaction I always get. They get mellow and serious and look at me with worry. They know I still get the urge. It seems they know it's just a small trip and I'll be off the edge. They want to hold me back, but they know they can't. It IS my life and I can take it when I damn well please. It's one of the few forms of control I have though I do not wish to excercise it b/c I know there's more to life that my valleys of darkness. They think I'm odd. My ex once said, "I worry about it b/c you are so calm about it. It seems like nothing to you." I must be nuts to talk about it with a semi-smile on my face and a steady tone. But I am not afraid. 020423 ... lifeless might just be the perfect solution.... 020425 ... Norm People who say taking their life is the solution have never seriously looked at the problem. 020425 ... status quo People who say, that those whom would take their life as a solution have never seriously looked at the problem, are those whom have never had to live that life and can judge all too ignorantly with ease. 020426 ... phil bloody loonies 020426 ... CrAzYpInKmOnKeY suicide is something ive often thought of just takin the pills or worse and ending all that is my life but no i will not let the world win. no. i will be strong if not for those who hate me but for those who love me dammit never again. no more scars im tired of life but no that much no no they will not win i refer to the unstoppable hate machine that is humanity as they. 020610 ... phil little pieces of my stomach are killing themeselves. 020610 ... dB reading back on this I see that daffy was right. You hear that Daff! You were right and I was wrong! You were right about me. so enough of this talk. There is a time for self pity and wallowing. But there is also a time to get things done. All this... this... stuff has been a distraction. It blinded me from the truth. The truth that you have to make your own future, otherwise someone else will. If we are wise, we learn from our pain and struggle and eventually emerge to become something better. 020610 ... velvetdesire no matter what i do, i know that everything will always be the same. i'm too tired to do anything anymore and i'd rather just sleep forever. i need someone to hold me & tell me that everything will be all right, but there's no one. and i'm too tired to reach out. too tired... death seems so inviting... 020611 ... ExiriaMalice i dont b/c i love so deeply someone that would hurt so much that the world would crush in around us. because i'm afraid. because maybe something good will happen some day and my life wont become my mothers and i wouldn't doubt all the time and cry all the time like the stereotypical goth girl that i try so hard not to be. i feel like a cliche, just another thing to hate about the world. rappers in a murder trial and animal rights activists at an Ozzy Osborne concert. its horrible when you wont do it because you hate yourself to much to try. because your scared that once in your life, for the first time, you understand the depths that bring a person there. because your a horrible person and you know it now.. fuck 020711 ... ExiriaMalice i dont b/c i love so deeply someone that would hurt so much that the world would crush in around us. because i'm afraid. because maybe something good will happen some day and my life wont become my mother and i wouldn't doubt all the time and cry all the time like the stereotypical goth girl that i try so hard not to be. i feel like a cliche, just another thing to hate about the world. rappers in a murder trial and animal rights activists at an Ozzy Osborne concert. its horrible when you wont do it because you hate yourself to much to try. because your scared that once in your life, for the first time, you understand the depths that bring a person there. because your a horrible person and you know it now.. fuck 020711 ... jessicafletcher lost everything. yeah.i guess i know how it feels. it's just never worked for me, and i guess that means that i am not trying hard enough. oh well, you know. i'd rather be alive and trying to make this shit i call a life work than rotting somewhere. i'm tired of hurting, but fuck. dying scares me now. i used to beg for it. just sit in my room and beg god to fix what he's done to me and strike me down. a lot of good that did. the psych ward has flavorless jello. there were waiting rooms full of jesus. fuck. i prefer working my ass off to make it better. i just sit and tell myself how godly i am until i feel better. now that, i guess is selfish or self centered. if you kill yourself, sure it's selfish, but come on. if you want to, do it.don't let people tell you you don't deserve what you want. all i can really say is that it's not my thing 020714 ... Freak I never considered this as a way out because I was always to busy finding a hell to stay in. 020828 ... sekhmet don't procrastinate 021023 ... industrial darkness self inflicted death happy happy joy joy this serrated blade i employ a crimson arc sprays cross your face maybe now i can leave this place 021101 ... blown cherry I've already forgiven myself for an act uncommitted 021120 ... his message to courtney heeyyyyyy-eyyy-eyyy you know you're right you know you're right you know you're right 021120 ... tildan I don't think I could forgive. 021121 ... blown cherry what would that matter to a corpse anyway? 021121 ... tildan But maybe it'd matter to you now. So you don't care what becomes of everyone else? How they would take it? If you were truly so nihilistic, then your parents wouldn'y be holding you here at all. Because why would they matter to a corpse? 021121 ... blown cherry Its not a mood that I can be talked out of. It will pass on its own most likely. And nothing can compare to the love of my parents who have loved me more than anything or anyone, and done nothing but treat me the very best they knew how. 021122 ... me sometimes i wonder... 021201 ... me ive thought about it, but i cant. my life isnt that bad, and i cant do that to my family. i love them. a guy i talk to online sometimes told me he was going to commit suicide. i didnt believe him. but the minute he went off, i began to think shit, what if he does. luckily for me, he didnt. but next time i talked to him, he wasnt okay. and he wouldnt tell me what was wrong. i wish i had just talked to him the first time. i think he hates me now. shit. 021201 ... Suicide Snowman I've thought about it a lot in the last few years... I don't think I'll ever do it... it would feel like a cop-out. Like everyone would say "Good riddance. I knew it would happen sooner or later" But there are days when there are more cuts on my arms and there are days where there are fewer prescriptions in my medicine cabinet. who knows? Maybe I will do it. I'd really like to. I'd really like to leave all this bullshit and angst and other crap behind that everyone said would be gone when I got through puberty, or even through high school and my teens.. but it' hasn't happened yet. I'm still the same angry, depressive, sadistic person I was when I was 12, 15, and 18. I don't think it's gonna change soon. 021201 ... *silent screams Suicide passes through my mind -reasons unknown- How many would really care if i was gone? I said i would never, but sumwhere i found it inside me to allow the thoughts to flow. I look around, yet can't find a reason in this world not to. No one would have a clue as to why. Maybe i could even find revenge in paying back the people who ever gave me a reason to not wanna live. Everything seems so fake, a bad dream i can't wake from. Nothing in my mind can can find a reason why this is even real at all...Maybe the only way to wake up is to end everything i thought i knew. Four minutes and midnight cries will be heard. I have no reason to live, so why make the lives of people around me miserable? My parents wouldn't even notice, due to ignoring. Friends who once meant everything to me would finally have a real reason not to care. Midnight has come, and somewhere underneath it all, i wonder why i let myself ever become so weak.*sigh* 021206 ... sekhmet it's not easy... anyone who says it's the easy way out is full of shit. have YOU ever stood on top of a four-storey building looking down, tears streaming down your face, wind trying to keep you on the ledge, trying to convince your body to do what your mind needs? you can want something more than anything, and still not be able to do it. it is not easy at all to make that decision. it takes a lot more guts than you'll ever know to take that step. go do it if you don't agree. 021230 ... Lilac lying in my bed strangled its funny you woulda thought that if I ever did it I wouldve just slit my wrists but no thats not how I would do it but then again I guess it would depend on my mood 021230 ... Lilac lying in my bed strangled its funny you woulda thought that if I did it I wouldve just slit my wrist but thats not how i would do it but then again I guess it would depend on my mood 021230 ... Sheryl Vohs me 021231 ... elsa thought about it once, twice, ten million times. considered it, seriously. tried the oh-so-availible razor on my wrist: things really dont hurt if you go slow. but i never quite bleed enough, not nearly as much as i want. but why? why all of this? am i truly a coward? no, things arnt even that bad. i just realiz that there are moments when one single thing is so damn wonderful that your entire life is worth living. conversly, there are times when one single thing makes your entire life worth nothing, not even the miniscule amount you paid for the disposable razor. i just want to decide how is all goes out. how i make my ending. and i am already so tired. a teen, but just so tired. and i can see nothing but doom ahead of me. humans really have ruined everything. nothing is left. all i want is too escape this world. and for me things arnt even bad. the only thing is, i cant make the feeling of "this moment makes my entire life, if i live forever with my guts torn out by vultures every single day only to live tomorrow, worth living." the feeling fades. they all do. you will. but dont worry your little head about me. i wont. not at this moment. i do feel that it would be unfair to those around me (i know that most of them really dont love me as much as they pretend, but dont tell). but some do truly need me i will be back, when (not if) they leave. because then i will need you, even if you arnt there 030218 ... cube Teens seem to go through a time of total self_absorption. Perhaps this is a natural function of morphing_into_adulthood/self_awareness. If you have survived this period of extended navel_gazing, you will know that your thoughts begin to turn outward again. Careers, hurried schedules, and family matters take precedence. The black clouds that once threatened your very existence disipate - eventually becoming nothing more than distant memories. I wish I had more to offer than that. Depression seems a state that only the self can break out of... ³ 030219 ... Eowithien Very true Jon. An quick end to a temporary problem. Most painless way: possibly a bottle of asprin. Is it the cowardly way out? Yes I think so. It has nothing to do with depression or being a teen (though they often go hand in hand). One is cowardly enough to not face their troubles. I want to live merely to see how the rest of my so far shitty life will turn out. What keeps me going is the want for true love from someone. Not anyone though. 030219 ... theonegodforgot why is that as soon as someone committs suicide, they are looked upon and missed? the reason they committed suicide is because they were never looked upon or missed. it may be an easy way out, but then again, it is a way out. im not saying suicide is a good thing, but dont make fun of those who are thinking about it, you are only making it closer to them 030219 ... I would really like to know Why do so many people take living so seriously? 030226 ... Eowithien It pisses me off how determined some people are to end their lives. The point is that a lot of them feel ignored. Maybe they aren't trying to be noticed. Not everyone in the world will know you in your or their life time but why does it matter? You live life the way you want and make it as enjoyable as possible. Whether you are on a journey to self or looking to find a good job or your soulmate, you shouldn't just give up on life. It wants you there and the universe gets weaker without your being. 030303 ... a mayfly there are some people the universe would prpbably be better without. some days i think i may be one of them. how does the universe miss someone who makes no good mark on it 030304 ... DevilsLyric I always wanted to slit my wrists. No gun or pills. I wanna see the blood flowing from it. I wanna have a chance to regret it after its too late. Its not so selfish. I wanna get off the earth to make it better. The earth would be improved without me bringing it down. Im so damn sad for no reason. The paxil dont work so why am I still here? I shoulda died a while ago. 030308 ... DevilsLyric AND DONT GIVE A DAMN OPINION UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN THIS DEPRESSED. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO GIVE ONE UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN IN MY SHOES! If they feel ignored and can't find another way then they are social outcasts and are to shy to lash out at anyone except themselves. 030308 ... sigma Suicide, last option for me Try to hide, all the notes I left for you to see, Try to breathe, but even if I did it wouldn't set me free from this cage I made for me from this prison I believe When I fall, I fall out and down and maybe I am spinning upside down Listen to the music in my head will it play on when I'm dead will it still ring out today? It's being in the world, but not of it, having a conversation with someone and still seeing yourself alone, in a room, curled up and waiting by a window for a dove that will never come to set you free. It's not being weak, but it's not being strong, either, it's being desperate and confused and terribly unhappy. It's an ache in your soul that only blood will cure. It's feeling unloved. I tried to do it, but even as I did I was kidding myself...didn't take enough pills. And at that point in time, it was for the wrong reasons. I have been much more unhappy, and I probably will be again, than on that day. Suicide is the only way to make them see and not hate you, but then they'll forget you, eventually, and maybe that's just as bad. 030316 ... DevilsLyric Alright sucide is a complicated thing no one does it for just one reason thats not enough. There are a few. They feel ignored is one. This is usually kids who have neglectful parents and are shy or quiet by nature so they do not have many friends. The point is no matter how hard they try they cannot be noticed. People see them as nothing so they will be nothing forever. Also since they are so shy or qiet they cannot express themselves as easily as someone who is an extrovert. This kind of life is usually accompanied by other factors such as abuse or substance abuse or being made fun of by peers. This attempt at suicide is a cry for help and attention just to GET SOME! There are also people who cannot take there lives anymore. A person who is subject to severe abuse by a father who drinks or a mother or any parents who do drugs. Their social lives may be fine but homelives are hell. Then there people who feel worthless. They want to get off the earth because they feel they are in no way contributing to it in a positive way. This is completely non-selfish suicide. There are many other factors that play into these reasons for severe depression and suicidal thoughts and I am not claiming to be a psychiatrist but in my experience these are some of the main reasons for suicide so dont think down on people who think about this. And taking life seriosly kinda comes with the package when you are in any of these conditions. You end up having to think about reasons to live and meanings of life at that point 030327 ... flipchrist Not Waving but Drowning Nobody heard him, the dead man, But still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought And not waving but drowning. Poor chap, he always loved larking And now he's dead It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way, They said. Oh, no no no, it was too cold always (Still the dead one lay moaning) I was much too far out all my life And not waving but drowning. **it took me about ten readings before i realized it was about suicide 030407 ... miss empathy Sitting here crying, reading people remember those who took the ultimate way out. Artists, writers, friends, lovers, HUMANS. I was like them once, but I'm better. I'm proof, LIVING breathing proof, it can get better. I'm sitting here crying for those who have committed suicide, those who are thinking about it, and those who are left behind. Empathy. My heart hurts. 030425 ... /anon I want to sometimes. but I also sometimes want to take some duct tape and tape a bagel to a squirlles back and walk it around on a leash with my head held high and when anyone asks I will say "He is the international squirrlinator! Take a good look at your future ruthless leader! I want to be a part of something sometimes. NOT THE SUICIDE STATS THOUGH. If I were bipolar then I could call myself that and I would be able to say thats why im so fucked up. Same with schitzo or BPD or if I were a cutter stuff like that. But instead Im just a lazy boring looser with no social life whatsoever. thats not a fun label but thats what I is. I just happen to be depressed as well. I want attention from somebody but at the same time I know thats selfish and childish but I don't get any! but I do get some enough to live with and not complain about but I need more! I don't want to be alone even though I know I'm not but that doesn't stop my brain from thinking it but I have friends not many but enough but i want the courage to make more and not be so socially inept and I dont want to twitch and swet everytime someone I dont know talks to me but i know I have to live with it and I can induldge in other things like school or writing or something but everyone says socializing is everything at this stage in life but I don't need to listen to everyone but I want it bad but i can live happy with out it. And I wish my dad didn't drink and smoke pot but I know it shouldent bother me but it still does but its not my buisness and more kids have parents that do much worse stuff like heroin or coke but I always thought him to be more normal. I have been having strange episodes but you know youre sane so why do you acknowledge them? I space out kid of but I forget who I am and I cannot pay attention to anything It probably happens to people the time I know but I dont wanna be so pathetic anymore you dont have to be you wouldent be if you die but I still have stuff to live for not much it will get better no it wont I will always be sad I am no good stop sounding like an stereo type angst filled teen but I am! good point but does that mean death? for me it does etc... the debate continues my head hurts maybe I should kill myself just to stop the debate? 030425 ... jimc why is it that even though so many things are going good in my life I still feel like suicide is still the answer. I had it all planned out a few weeks ago and for what ever reasons, some friends managed to stop me. Every day I drive by the big tree at the corner of Gibson and Indianola and know that that was the tree I had picked to run in to and wonder if I can still do it. I knew that if I missed the tree, I'd hit one of the metal posts filled with concreate and it would have all been over. No more pain, no more suffering, no more lost friendships, no more new relationships to deal with, no more anything. What's wrong with wanting that? 030609 ... Mahayana fabulous winged monsters, ravenous and filthy, having the face of a woman and the body of a vulture, with long claws, and the face pale with hunger torment suicides in hell…. how is it you anguish me on earth… so called emotion of love what injustices have i devoted myself to that you choose to hover here … at the side of me, above me, at the rear of me … gnawing at my sensibilities… i toil over individual attempts that you’ve assigned... with fate… im capable and dedicated… but here you are… explaining how to do the piece of work as if i didn’t know, as if you hadnt enlightened me seventy eight million times, as if you hadnt quite articulated the inevitability, significance, and consequences of this, the very work you impede with your talk, your expressive proficiency, your garish, smoggy inhalations upon my spirit. be gone, and aggravate me no more 030617 ... crimson too melancholy disconnected tragic apathetic lost to care 030722 ... karl the weed what these people do to themselves is so depressing... 030722 ... NeonBloodyGothBitch Fuck the world cuz then you die lets just go smoke a bong and get high 030801 ... miss empathy Suicide's Note The calm, Cool face of the river Asked me for a kiss. -Langston Hughes 030817 ... Dafremen I'm debating getting involved in this blathe again. If we could just blathe a little to the left and a little to the right of the center line...in equal degrees at least,if we can't all embrace life. 030823 ... Bespeckled So "love" and "suicide" are two of the most-blathed-on pages here ... "love" is a given ... everybody has something to say about how much they love someone, lust for someone's body, hate that person who cheated on them, long for that person who left them but is too good for them ... and whatever else consitutues that emotion that we all mistake for love. Of course there's so much dribble on there - every feeling we have can be blamed on love or lumped in with love. It's just part of having an English vocabulary and human mindset, I guess. But I don't understand the popularity of suicide - the blathe or the deed. Why are people my age running around wanting to kill themselves? The only situation in which I'd ever consider voluntarily ending my life is if I was like my great aunt - waiting out the month left of my life while my kidney slowly failed. I don't understand kids like me wanting or trying to end their lives. 16-year-olds, 25-year-olds, 34-year-olds, 48-year-olds ... we're in our prime, we have the whole at our fingertips, we're healthy, we're active, we have breath going in and out of our lungs, we have eyes to see and mouths to speak, and brains to think, and when you put all that together, you have potential and possibility and life, sweet life! Who the fuck wishes for death when you can go outside and know that your legs are strong enough to allow you to sprint down the street, and your brain is stretched enough to let you argue with anyone, and maybe even win, and your hands are healthy enough to let you swing from trees without feeling pain and letting go? Suicide is a farce, it's an answer to a problem you've never even had. Above all, it's just very, very sad. Open your eyes. Reach out your arms. Go with the flow and try to make something good out of it instead of sitting in the comfortable corner of your room and thinking bitterly that this is the best it will ever get. Because that's a damn lie. 030828 ... lovers lament you've taken away my light, my smile i'm miles away from okay and everyday i miss you more than the day before i drive past your house but you don't live there anymore i go to sleep alone and lonely wanting only to feel the safe circle of your arms again i remember when we first made love and time isn't going to be enough to heal the wound you've dealt me there's so many times i've cried because you didn't even say goodbye no last kiss before the bullet found your brain it's making me insane thinking of a lifetime without you i hope you've found the peace you never knew i hope you realize now how in love i was with you your face will haunt me for eternity you took my life away from me. -for rocky, i always loved you, i always will 030829 ... Nicole Is only for those who are too weak to cope with life. 030830 ... Nicole Is only for those who are too weak to cope with life. 030830 ... Nicole Is only for those who are too weak to cope with life. 030830 ... Nicole Is only for those who are too weak to cope with life. 030830 ... Nicole I've been redeemed From this selfish underground tomb My thoughts have been cleaned The images of you erased But still my arms long to bleed I just want to hear you break Feel your bones crack beneathe me I'll pick up the peices, hold them close But never know what posessed you I think I've come to know I switch From mood to mood and place to time Emotions running on thick lines of adrenaline It's fine this time All alone I reside In this hollow gravestone Bent and pryed open Tryed of patience then taken back I've been layed out, stretched on my back The sun hurt me So I retracted Take me back to my self proclaimed grave I can stare through the earth at the gray slab, Feel the wounds along my skin Pressed, with the intent of feeling 030907 ... Isaac it's just, just a terror in the night that doesn't sleep a back-brained thought that always seems to creep up on you, up on you when you're alone it's like, "dying is sex the grave's a sweeter cunt than anything you'll get under this sun" it's that sweet focus, that narrow beam that leaves me feeling like a cat in the cream i'll just say this kill them or yourself it's all the same we're just a bunch a fools with the devil to blame 030923 ... harumi suicide is an act of escaping the harsh truths and pains of reality i know, i've tried... i know how it feels to want death, because i've felt that too and the pain is usually too heavy to carry around and endure and most people already lost their faith to turn to someone whom they could share their burdens for these people, death is the only solution and only solace they could find from all these pain and suffering it's strange, that people do this even though it's taboo but what's stranger is that some people never get over it, unlike me, i've found peace in friends... i hope there are a lot more like me... who can find something or someone that can ease their burden and pain for them 031011 ... jane another kid jumped off of the library yesterday 031011 ... ferret if anyone wants to talk to me i'm available at loudnoise@earthlink.net 031011 ... oldephebe if you are interested..check out lovinggrace.org or call 1-800-939-5825 - there's a short inspirational message and when you hear the beep you can leave a prayer request.. i've called from the belly of desolation on many a night and just listened to this brothers really non-dogmatic and egoless inspirational words wound oout of the tapestry of ruin and subsequent ressurection.. ... 031012 ... if you are interested..check out lovinggrace.org or call 1-800-939-5825 - there's a short inspirational message and when you hear the beep you can leave a prayer request.. i've called from the belly of desolation on many a night and just listened to this brothers really non-dogmatic and egoless inspirational words wound oout of the tapestry of ruin and subsequent ressurection.. ... 031012 ... if you are interested..check out lovinggrace.org or call 1-800-939-5825 - there's a short inspirational message and when you hear the beep you can leave a prayer request.. i've called from the belly of desolation on many a night and just listened to this brothers really non-dogmatic and egoless inspirational words wound oout of the tapestry of ruin and subsequent ressurection.. ... 031012 ... oldephebe if you'r interested go to lovinggrace.org or call 1-800-939-5825 there's a really short inspirational message and you can leave a brief message or prayer request..this brother outwardly judge..and your privacy will be respected..be anonymous..I've listened to this brothers message many times drowning in my own dying light..his inspirational non-dogmatic words are woven out of the tapestry of ruin and ressurection.. ... 031012 ... oldephebe if you'r interested go to lovinggrace.org or call 1-800-939-5825 there's a really short inspirational message and you can leave a brief message or prayer request..this brother outwardly judge..and your privacy will be respected..be anonymous..I've listened to this brothers message many times drowning in my own dying light..his inspirational non-dogmatic words are woven out of the tapestry of ruin and ressurection.. ... 031012 ... celestias shadow but how can you possibly expect the rest of us to go on living without you? 031012 ... Perplexlypuzzled At the age of 13, I began to think about suicide. As I got older, my problems began to weigh more. I decided, one summer, that I could go on no longer. I was online, sending my mother an E-mail, saying goodbye. I had everything figured out. Just as I was about to finish my letter, I recieved a message. "You have mail." Curiosity checked in and I checked my E-mail. That E-mail postponed my decision. It told me that one of my best friends and ex-boyfriend had killed himself in the night. He'd hung himself with a rope from the rafter in an abandoned barn. I decided I would go see my friend for the last time to say goodbye before I would end my own life. At the funeral, I saw many things that made me think. People that had not ever even showed that they cared were there, crying for my lost friend. Then, he saved my life. Laying there, looking so... alone he made me realize that I never wanted to be so alone. As I was about to leave, I saw my friend's father, staring at his son's face. My friend had confided in me once before, saying that he wrote letters to his father, that had abandoned him, once a month telling him simply how much he loved him and begging him simply to write back. He never recieved any answer until three years later, when his father wrote him a letter saying that he hated his son and asking him not to write any more. My friend had continued to write. As I watched that father at that funeral, I realized that my friend deserved so much better, and I hope now, with all my heart, that he has it. His father turned away that day, emotionless. His eyes were full of emptiness and as he walked away, I stared at him. He looked at me and I realized that he hated me as well. How could someone so full of hate have helped to create the friend that I'd loved and cared about so much? My friend saved my life. After that, if I thought of suicide, I thought of him, and he told me that it wasn't worth it... because there are people that love me. I miss him and I wish he could see the person he's helped me to become. I am strong, I am my own person, and most importantly, I am not afraid. See Also: My_Story 031013 ... Sam Vaknin Those who believe in the finality of death (i.e., that there is no after-life) – they are the ones who advocate suicide and regard it as a matter of personal choice. On the other hand, those who firmly believe in some form of existence after corporeal death – they condemn suicide and judge it to be a major sin. Yet, rationally, the situation should have been reversed: it should have been easier for someone who believed in continuity after death to terminate this phase of existence on the way to the next. Those who faced void, finality, non-existence, vanishing – should have been greatly deterred by it and should have refrained even from entertaining the idea. Either the latter do not really believe what they profess to believe – or something is wrong with rationality. One would tend to suspect the former. Suicide is very different from self sacrifice, avoidable martyrdom, engaging in life risking activities, refusal to prolong one's life through medical treatment, euthanasia, overdosing and self inflicted death that is the result of coercion. What is common to all these is the operational mode: a death caused by one's own actions. In all these behaviours, a foreknowledge of the risk of death is present coupled with its acceptance. But all else is so different that they cannot be regarded as belonging to the same class. Suicide is chiefly intended to terminate a life – the other acts are aimed at perpetuating, strengthening and defending values. Those who commit suicide do so because they firmly believe in the finiteness of life and in the finality of death. They prefer termination to continuation. Yet, all the others, the observers of this phenomenon, are horrified by this preference. They abhor it. This has to do with out understanding of the meaning of life. Ultimately, life has only meanings that we attribute and ascribe to it. Such a meaning can be external (God's plan) or internal (meaning generated through arbitrary selection of a frame of reference). But, in any case, it must be actively selected, adopted and espoused. The difference is that, in the case of external meanings, we have no way to judge their validity and quality (is God's plan for us a good one or not?). We just "take them on" because they are big, all encompassing and of a good "source". A hyper-goal generated by a superstructural plan tends to lend meaning to our transient goals and structures by endowing them with the gift of eternity. Something eternal is always judged more meaningful than something temporal. If a thing of less or no value acquires value by becoming part of a thing eternal – than the meaning and value reside with the quality of being eternal – not with the thing thus endowed. It is not a question of success. Plans temporal are as successfully implemented as designs eternal. Actually, there is no meaning to the question: is this eternal plan / process / design successful because success is a temporal thing, linked to endeavours that have clear beginnings and ends. This, therefore, is the first requirement: our life can become meaningful only by integrating into a thing, a process, a being eternal. In other words, continuity (the temporal image of eternity, to paraphrase a great philosopher) is of the essence. Terminating our life at will renders them meaningless. A natural termination of our life is naturally preordained. A natural death is part and parcel of the very eternal process, thing or being which lends meaning to life. To die naturally is to become part of an eternity, a cycle, which goes on forever of life, death and renewal. This cyclic view of life and the creation is inevitable within any thought system, which incorporates a notion of eternity. Because everything is possible given an eternal amount of time – so are resurrection and reincarnation, the afterlife, hell and other beliefs adhered to by the eternal lot. Sidgwick raised the second requirement and with certain modifications by other philosophers, it reads: to begin to appreciate values and meanings, a consciousness (intelligence) must exist. True, the value or meaning must reside in or pertain to a thing outside the consciousness / intelligence. But, even then, only conscious, intelligent people will be able to appreciate it. We can fuse the two views: the meaning of life is the consequence of their being part of some eternal goal, plan, process, thing, or being. Whether this holds true or does not – a consciousness is called for in order to appreciate life's meaning. Life is meaningless in the absence of consciousness or intelligence. Suicide flies in the face of both requirements: it is a clear and present demonstration of the transience of life (the negation of the NATURAL eternal cycles or processes). It also eliminates the consciousness and intelligence that could have judged life to have been meaningful had it survived. Actually, this very consciousness / intelligence decides, in the case of suicide, that life has no meaning whatsoever. To a very large extent, the meaning of life is perceived to be a collective matter of conformity. Suicide is a statement, writ in blood, that the community is wrong, that life is meaningless and final (otherwise, the suicide would not have been committed). This is where life ends and social judgement commences. Society cannot admit that it is against freedom of expression (suicide is, after all, a statement). It never could. It always preferred to cast the suicides in the role of criminals (and, therefore, bereft of any or many civil rights). According to still prevailing views, the suicide violates unwritten contracts with himself, with others (society) and, many might add, with God (or with Nature with a capital N). Thomas Aquinas said that suicide was not only unnatural (organisms strive to survive, not to self annihilate) – but it also adversely affects the community and violates God's property rights. The latter argument is interesting: God is supposed to own the soul and it is a gift (in Jewish writings, a deposit) to the individual. A suicide, therefore, has to do with the abuse or misuse of God's possessions, temporarily lodged in a corporeal mansion. This implies that suicide affects the eternal, immutable soul. Aquinas refrains from elaborating exactly how a distinctly physical and material act alters the structure and / or the properties of something as ethereal as the soul. Hundreds of years later, Blackstone, the codifier of British Law, concurred. The state, according to this juridical mind, has a right to prevent and to punish for suicide and for attempted suicide. Suicide is self-murder, he wrote, and, therefore, a grave felony. In certain countries, this still is the case. In Israel, for instance, a soldier is considered to be "army property" and any attempted suicide is severely punished as being "attempt at corrupting army possessions". Indeed, this is paternalism at its worst, the kind that objectifies its subjects. People are treated as possessions in this malignant mutation of benevolence. Such paternalism acts against adults expressing fully informed consent. It is an explicit threat to autonomy, freedom and privacy. Rational, fully competent adults should be spared this form of state intervention. It served as a magnificent tool for the suppression of dissidence in places like Soviet Russia and Nazi Germany. Mostly, it tends to breed "victimless crimes". Gamblers, homosexuals, communists, suicides – the list is long. All have been "protected from themselves" by Big Brothers in disguise. Wherever humans possess a right – there is a correlative obligation not to act in a way that will prevent the exercise of such right, whether actively (preventing it), or passively (reporting it). In many cases, not only is suicide consented to by a competent adult (in full possession of his faculties) – it also increases utility both for the individual involved and for society. The only exception is, of course, where minors or incompetent adults (the mentally retarded, the mentally insane, etc.) are involved. Then a paternalistic obligation seems to exist. I use the cautious term "seems" because life is such a basic and deep set phenomenon that even the incompetents can fully gauge its significance and make "informed" decisions, in my view. In any case, no one is better able to evaluate the quality of life (and the ensuing justifications of a suicide) of a mentally incompetent person – than that person himself. The paternalists claim that no competent adult will ever decide to commit suicide. No one in "his right mind" will elect this option. This contention is, of course, obliterated both by history and by psychology. But a derivative argument seems to be more forceful. Some people whose suicides were prevented felt very happy that they were. They felt elated to have the gift of life back. Isn't this sufficient a reason to intervene? Absolutely, not. All of us are engaged in making irreversible decisions. For some of these decisions, we are likely to pay very dearly. Is this a reason to stop us from making them? Should the state be allowed to prevent a couple from marrying because of genetic incompatibility? Should an overpopulated country institute forced abortions? Should smoking be banned for the higher risk groups? The answers seem to be clear and negative. There is a double moral standard when it comes to suicide. People are permitted to destroy their lives only in certain prescribed ways. And if the very notion of suicide is immoral, even criminal – why stop at individuals? Why not apply the same prohibition to political organizations (such as the Yugoslav Federation or the USSR or East Germany or Czechoslovakia, to mention four recent examples)? To groups of people? To institutions, corporations, funds, not for profit organizations, international organizations and so on? This fast deteriorates to the land of absurdities, long inhabited by the opponents of suicide. 031014 ... Death of a Rose You do cut and paste very nicely. 031014 ... celestias shadow perplexly, you just made me cry with that story. *hugs* i am so sorry that you lost your friend. i know sorry isn't really an adequate expression, but it's all i know how to say now. everyone is loved. nobody should ever die alone, or thinking that they are alone. it's not the right way to go. 031014 ... Perplexlypuzzled celestias shadow Thank you so much for your thoughts. I like to think that my friend isn't alone any more and that he'll never have to be again. It always seems strange to me that someone can be so loved and never even know it. I wish he could know how much he's helped me, but then.. maybe he does. Thank you again. I think that if something I ever write can be read and thought about.. or even teach some sort of lesson.. then it's well worth writing. 031015 ... . . 031113 ... endless desire oh oh oh. these thoughts consume me where is the downside i wonder can i die from sadness this is killing me. im so tired of life i dont even care. but i wonder what my mother would say ive always been such a sweet little girl i dont want to die a selfish bitch. but how much more can i take? i guess we shall see. oh god 031113 ... MollyCule tried it three days ago. drinking a cup of charcoal was not on my list of things to do this year. 031113 ... fallen angel I'm sorry baby I thought i knew what you were going through but i gess i was wrong because heard it first when i got the call on the phone put me in the zone of hell was like can't be her cant be true cant be happining to me then i found out still dont know what drove you to this baby cant belive you thought you were crazy hurt at first nothing to how i would be cursed feel the pain inside of my brain it's tearing up my heart ripping me apart I'm sorry baby i thought i knew what you were going through but i gess i was wrong because they said you had scars on your arm they said you said you wanted be free alwalys wore the long sleeved T's to hide from me what you dident want me to see Im sorry baby i thought i knew what you were going through but i gess i was wrong because so many times i've cried no chance to say goodbye all i had was the note scrap of paper you cried on then you wrote Im sorry baby i thought i knew what you were going through but i gess i was wrong because You wrote Can't take this life no more can't take this pain no more can't play this game no more can't stop this knife no more Gotta end it and leave it all behind im sorry love that we couldent rewind I'm sorry honey and i love you too Im sorry baby i thought i knew what you were going through but i gess i was wrong even though i still love you god i still love you 031119 ... reue i'm glad he made it back 031119 ... reue i'm glad he made it back 031119 ... phil I had a friend do this. Not so bad. 031120 ... homo_boy attempted so many times never had the guts battle scars down my wrists feilds from a war fought in me such an emotional conundrum but no one cares who wins if i didnt show up to school tomorrow would even one person bat an eye? no they would go about their daily routines... if i missed a week? no life as usual years? nothing no one gives a fuck maybe i wont come back! test my theory... maybe someone will notice then! 031123 ... homo_boy attempted so many times never had the guts battle scars down my wrists feilds from a war fought in me such an emotional conundrum but no one cares who wins if i didnt show up to school tomorrow would even one person bat an eye? no they would go about their daily routines... if i missed a week? no life as usual years? nothing no one gives a fuck maybe i wont come back! test my theory... maybe someone will notice then! 031123 ... homo_boy attempted so many times never had the guts battle scars down my wrists feilds from a war fought in me such an emotional conundrum but no one cares who wins if i didnt show up to school tomorrow would even one person bat an eye? no they would go about their daily routines... if i missed a week? no life as usual years? nothing no one gives a fuck maybe i wont come back! test my theory... maybe someone will notice then! 031123 ... homo_boy attempted so many times never had the guts battle scars down my wrists feilds from a war fought in me such an emotional conundrum but no one cares who wins if i didnt show up to school tomorrow would even one person bat an eye? no they would go about their daily routines... if i missed a week? no life as usual years? nothing no one gives a fuck maybe i wont come back! test my theory... maybe someone will notice then! 031123 ... had enough ive decided not to try this. i am too scared of fucking it up; surviving, but with brain damage, or minus an arm and a leg or something. ive decided to go get help. when my mom comes home today, i will tell her how i dropped half of my courses and effectively threw away $2500+. then i will tell her that i'm going to the doctor to get anti-depressants and the name of a counsellor. depression is exhausting. i need a very long break from it. 031124 ... YIKES I thought about it many times.... but couldn't think of a way to die without having to kill myself. In my deepest depression I wanted to be someone's senseless random act of violence and be done. Thank God that chapter's over... I hope 031126 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl i tried to kill my pain but only brought more i lay dying and im pouring crimson regret and betrayal im dying praying bleeding and screaming am i too lost to be saved? am i too lost? i have so much pain inside it feels like im being cut apart from inside my heart. 040101 ... yer mom ^^ that's a good song by evanescence 040122 ... yer mom ^^ that's a good song by evanescence 040122 ... yer mom ^^ that's a good song by evanescence 040122 ... yer mom ^^ that's a good song by evanescence 040122 ... silentlybroken My God, my tourniquet, return to me salvation. Do you remember me, lost for so long, will you be on the other side, or will you forget me? 040123 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl i love that song its my faourite it describes ME i thought it was apt for this. 040123 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl also that would be favourite** 040123 ... loser I want to commit suicide because I'm a selfish asshole and a lazy self-absorbed person. Sometimes it seems like the only way to quit being a pain in the ass and give me all the attention I so desperately need. I don't feel real pain or real joys. I don't feel anything and the lack of being connected to anything outside of myself makes suicide seem so much more practical for everyone involved. One less leech in an acid rain society. 040206 ... loser I want to commit suicide because I'm a selfish asshole and a lazy self-absorbed person. Sometimes it seems like the only way to quit being a pain in the ass and give me all the attention I so desperately need. I don't feel real pain or real joys. I don't feel anything and the lack of being connected to anything outside of myself makes suicide seem so much more practical for everyone involved. One less leech in an acid rain society. 040206 ... loser I want to commit suicide because I'm a selfish asshole and a lazy self-absorbed person. Sometimes it seems like the only way to quit being a pain in the ass and give me all the attention I so desperately need. I don't feel real pain or real joys. I don't feel anything and the lack of being connected to anything outside of myself makes suicide seem so much more practical for everyone involved. One less leech in an acid rain society. 040206 ... anonymous -_- I don't get it. I know in my heart if Jesus existed he would give me a clue. I am not talking about some old book with scary stories - I mean he would really get down with me and chill! But the funny thing is... I was walking home a few days ago passed the ghetto and three guys pulled me into an ally so deep and narrow it was like a tunnel. When I saw the first guy start to unzip his pants I just drop to my knees and started praying. Oh GOD! Oh GOD! oh GOD! He just looked down at me and pulled out his nasty weenie and said - yah grl that's jus wherr I wans ya ta b. Then he tore at my t-shirt until my breasts where exposed. Then pinched my nipple soooo hard with a twist I almost fainted. I could smell his stinky crotch as he pulled me near. I wanted to scream -- but all I do was whisper. No lord, please no. Then I heard a whoop whoop cop car thingie sound and saw a bright light shine at the end of the tunnel. Next thing I knew they all ran like roaches when you turn on the light. OK so -- it was no burning bush but it sure saved mine! Perhaps I'll have to reconsider this thing called faith! -_- 040218 ... is it french? I know its a sin. And I have tried. This thing called Suicide 040218 ... is it french? I know its a sin. And I have tried. This thing called Suicide. 040218 ... Eowithien Because it seems to be the only way out. And thats that. 040224 ... Vaz Don't mind if I do! 040402 ... love & hate Do not watch, but dont close your eyes, i want you to see, but i dont want you to feel. Do not feel for me, for your feelings left long ago. When you never replied to my question, "Do you love me?" The answer was clear, with no response necessary. This is what you want, you've wanted it for so long. I can give it to you now, now you fail to answer me. While your back is turned. But i dont want to hurt you, I've made you cry enough, please take me back for these cuts are getting deeper, and i cannot stop myself now, as i couldnt before. I need you, i love you, say you will be there. 040420 ... Smurf You know, I listen to all these people, saying it is selfish, saying it is weak, it's stupid. You should think of your familly, think of everyone your hurting by doing all that. Well Fuck That! You're all acting like you don't know what suicidals are doing! They're ending their life! They've accually decided to kill themselves, to harm their bodies enough, and then wait for the end without calling for help, or changing your mind. Suicide is an ultimate expression of pain and determination. Yes, determination, it takes a hell of alot of determination to slit your wrists fatally, to take those pills, to do anything. You all respect the fastest runner, the best striker, the quickest goalie. That's nothing. 040420 ... kooaburra hey... i am the fastest runner... dont tell them to disrespect me.. ... (sorry for blathin off topic) 040425 ... kookaburra hi, im kookaburra, because kookaburra sounds like badly translated shit from some sweatshop worker in a third world country... 040425 ... Smurf heh heh heh heh see: insanity; there's some stuff about suicide in there somewhere 040425 ... smurfette suicide...the ultimate cowardice. yes, it comes from the depths of despair and hopelessness....but also from being too fucking weak to see alternatives....and too selfish to care what it does to those left behind. its easy to take pills or slash, its hard to fight your way up from the bottom of the well. 040425 ... emily smurfette uve obviously never had depression. it takes so much courage to make the desciosn to end your life. and by he way selfsih SELFISH. unless ure too ignorant to know what do u call th families hey? are they nto selfsih too? think about it. they want someoen who hates EVERYTHIGN ...EVERYTHING abotu their lives to such an extent they dont even want to live to stay, bvecause they dont want them to go. thast not selfsih? thats bullcrap. i think those who try to stop ppl when they are sure they want to die are selfsih and ppl like u judging ppl when u dont even know what its like.i hate my life btu im too much of a coward to commit. i envy those who have. and i pity those like me 040427 ... emily If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself but to put myself back together again. Suicide will be for me only one means of violently reconquering myself, of brutally invading my being, of anticipating the unpredictable approaches of “God”. By suicide, I reintroduce my design in nature; I shall for the first time give things the shape of my will. 040427 ... kookaburra love means sacrifice. even when depressed, some choose not end their lives to save their loved ones from pain. and about the families being selfish too...isnt there somebody who would be mad if i were to kill you, even if it were painless and you were to go on to heaven (or whatever you believe in). is there nobody who would want to stop me from killing you? no? is it because they arent selfish? or because you arent loved? wow, sorry that was cruel. i apologize, im venting... 040427 ... ! that was rude 040427 ... kookaburra which was why i apologized... 040427 ... ! Still had a choice not to publish it rather than say sorry. 040427 ... kookaburra yes but this is blather. just because you dont agree, doesnt mean that i cant say it... rude or not... hmmmmm, my period is making me angry... 040427 ... Smurf I'd also like to point out that, although most of us have western beliefs, not all of us do and you must accept the different ways people who commit suicide might look at death. It's not always 'evil' and certainly not always the end. 040427 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl see: any_last_regrets 040428 ... Smurf Yeah, not taking a chance on that asian chick in the bar last night 040428 ... Mahayana attempted last night, but only got as far as downing 30-some of the hundreds of pills. [not nearly enough]: just like me 040429 ... kookaburra mahayana-please dont kill yourself!!! ilyiafsow. (i love you in a friendly sort of way) you are beautiful, and the world needs your beauty like yours... 040429 ... EbilSporkMonkey i stare at the bottle spill out the pills swallow them the pills that kill i think of him how he broke my heart he knew i loved him then pushed us apart i lay on my bed getting more drowsy and i know i'll love him even in death i can't let go even as my heart stops beating and my last breath dies the last minute i live he's on my mind the boy i love who i thought was right he took my love he took my life - my bestfriend's last poem she ever wrote. But why? no one is worth killing yourself over no one 040429 ... EbilSporkMonkey Suicide is not selfish nor is it for the weak. I was at that point I wrote a suicide note and I was just about to put an end to myself when someone hugged me and told me not to do it because he loved me. If only i could have been there to cheer my bestfriend up she might not be dead right now and I wouldn't be missing her. 040429 ... jaine And I was such a pessimist, I truly thought things could never get better. But they did. Selfish and weak? It's not about that. It runs pretty deep. It filters out the good and you get tangled in the bad. But nobody knows what happens after death. Change is inevitable. Love is waiting. I don't want to miss out on that. I put up with chronic depression and other bad shit related to circumstance and my mind for 4 years. It seemed longer. It seemed endless. I don't know why I didn't kill myself, but I'm so grateful I didn't. I didn't believe things would fall into place, but they did. I didn't believe I could be happy, but was I ever wrong. Just getting out of the rut and rid of the suicidal feelings was enough to make me ecstatic. 040523 ... EbilSporkMonkey All her pain she kept inside Could no longer hide No cry for help She killed herself 040524 ... Emily She walks to school with the lunch she packed Nobody knows what she's holdin' back Wearin' the same dress she wore yesterday She hides the bruises with linen and lace The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask It's hard to see the pain behind the mask Bearing the burden of a secret storm Sometimes she wishes she was never born Through the wind and the rain She stands hard as a stone In a world that she can't rise above But her dreams give her wings And she flies to a place where she's loved Concrete angel Somebody cries in the middle of the night The neighbors hear, but they turn out the lights A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate When morning comes it'll be too late A statue stands in a shaded place An angel girl with an upturned face A name is written on a polished rock A broken heart that the world forgot 040525 ... witchesrequiem Damn Ryan, you actually have something worth saying! 040525 ... witchesrequiem Damn Ryan, you actually have something worth saying! 040525 ... witchesrequiem Damn Ryan, you actually have something worth saying! 040525 ... witchesrequiem I'm fucking amazed Ryan! You actually had something to say worth saying. 040525 ... witchesrequiem I'm amazed Ryan! You actually had something worth saying. 040525 ... .... .... 040607 ... elegance Narcissism     The Toxic waste of bottled anger venomized. Life belly up. The reeds. The wind is hissing death downstream, a river holds its vapour breath and leaves black lips of tar and fish a bloated shore.   -sam vankin/ 040614 ... dosquatch If I die, there are people who will be hurt. They will cry and they will mourn my passing. These are my friends and family. These are the last people I want to hurt. If I die, there will be others who will be glad that I am gone. They will laugh and smile at the thought of my passing. These are my enemies and I hate them. Why would I want to do anything that would bring them even the slightest bit of joy? (from http://www.devilzown.com/suicide.html) 040614 ... .. Only had 4 failed attemptd. Well, three i didn't try very hard the first time. 040614 ... .. Only had 4 failed attempts. Well, three I didn't try very hard the first time. 040614 ... .. Only had 4 failed attempts. Well, three I didn't try very hard the first time. 040614 ... .. Four failed attempts. Well..three I didn't try very hard the first time. 040614 ... .. Four failed attempts. Well..three I didn't try very hard the first time. 040614 ... .. Four failed attempts. Well..three I didn't try very hard the first time. 040614 ... .. Four failed attempts. Well..three I didn't try very hard the first time. 040614 ... .. Four failed attempts. Well..three I didn't try very hard the first time. 040614 ... somebody i think youve made your point... 040614 ... dosquatch Thankfully they ?e wasn't as persistent in the attempt of which ?e speaks. 040615 ... sorry ..took many attempts forblather to load page.Guess it was loading all along. 040615 ... sorry ..took many attempts forblather to load page.Guess it was loading all along. 040615 ... dosquatch I wasn't criticising, I meant what I said. I'd rather a bout of reposting than the alternative, even if you do want to remain anonymous. 040615 ... . sorry ...pc's fault. 040615 ... LoneWolf yes please first attempt when i was 10 i'm 23 now, why is this so hard why is this taking so long i'm gonna lay down my cards before i'm beat 040627 ... Lila Pause And they say 23's the most mystical age... - Better luck next time. I'm hoping for beginner's luck myself. 040627 ... marjorie one of my best friends hung himself last month. in a cell. that everyone believes i put him in but i was only a part of it 040716 ... death oh hell, why do we all have to suffer? if i really wanted to die why did i tell the teacher what i did? why do the only people who you can talk to and who love you go away for a long long time or forever or they just sort of drift away from you? I know other people feel like me but it feels like I'm alone, so very, very alone. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and when you reach the dead end the roof caves in and cushes you, driving the breth from your body, and slowly, oh so slowly dying, the dust clogging you mouth, the darkness is taking years to overtake your mind. you scream untill your voice breaks but nobody comes, nobody ever comes. Being suicidal is sort of like this, the thought enveloups you and crushes you, living becomes so hard, so hard that just breathing becomes difficult, inside your screaming for help, you want to get out, you want this nightmare, this pain to stop. Maybe someone will hear an echo of your call and will search for the person in the hill, then they find nothing and leave you there realising that no help is coming = somebody realises something might be a wrong and takes you to see a councillor but they don't know, they can't comprehend the pain and confusion thats going on inside your head. I used to cut myself, I would cut my fingers and squeeze the blood out, a few weeks ago I took 20 painkillers. They cant help, I'm dying slowly in my no-end-tunnel. Please God give me the strength to end my life tonight. 040717 ... death I hate myself so much, evry time i look in the mirror i say to myself "You are an ugly slut who doesn't deserve to live, you are ugly and disgusting, die bitch, DIE." I can hardly handle this all, I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I tried to end it all before, why did I have to tell? I want this to end so bad, it give me a constant head-ache, literaly. To all those bull shitters who say 'Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem' don't have a clue what its like. I have been severly depressed for 2-3 years. To those who say suicide is for the weak have no idea, I have a friend who is a black-belt in Karate and is so wonderful and one of the nicest people I have ever met was going to commit suicide after a second friend of hers hung himself. 2 close friends killing them selves. How could you arse-holes who don't know what is like handle that? To those who say we're selfish, am I selfish if I give my lunch to a friend who hadn't had anything to eat all day? Is it selfish to hold back from killing yourself untill your best friend came back from Canada so you could say goodbye to him face to face? No its not you fuck arses. Its not. You don't know Hell, Hell is not being able to stand just being in the same room as your own father who hasn't done anything more than threaten you and smack you, its only being able to trust ONE adult, its having so many emotions bottled up inside you with no way to get out that you cut youself every day for over a year to let the feelings flow out with the blood, hating to hurt your friends but unintentionally doing so when you hurt yourself. Fright is trying to run away from home but being caught by your parents who you hate and fighting in the middle of a street trying to get away, screaming and fighting so much the cops have to come and take you away. Hell is living. I'm in hell. To all my friends I love you and hate to hurt you, I'm sorry. Love you guys. 040719 ... someone who cares hey don't kill yourself... please 040719 ... death Hay are you Nicola or Ann or somebody who I don't know. Its just that sometimes its so hard to keep going, to just get up, get dressed and go about as usual without freaking everybody out. Sometimes its as though you have no friends or thet are all being mean to you knowing it and sometimes without knowing it. Sometimes its so hard to keep up to the expectations and what everyone wants you to do. 040719 ... Dosquatch Do you think you're the only person who has ever been depressed? Or lonely? Or had an abusive jackass for a father? Or lost a friend? Your life sucks. Big hairy deal, you haven't even graduated from high school yet. Life sucks for every other kid around you, too, from the biggest loser all the way up to the superstar jock. Being a teenager sucks no matter who you are. And don't tell me you know, you don't. You're insulated. Your day to day is an aquarium, an artificial little microcosm of made up suckiness that doesn't even really matter, and you won't even realize WHY it doesn't matter 'til about 5 years after you're out of school. Life does not begin to suck until graduation. On the other hand, it doesn't begin to be good until then, either. You'll move out of your folks house, and your dad being a jackass won't matter. You'll be out of school, and all the other students that you don't get along with won't matter. Teachers won't matter. It'll all be in the past, and you'll have the whole world spread out in front of you, and YOU get to pick what you want to do with it. And life is good. Sometimes you'll pick something, and it'll suck, but it won't suck in nearly the same way that things do now because you picked it rather than having the suckiness forced down your throat. And sometimes things WILL be forced down your throat, and that'll suck like nothing you've ever experienced. The difference, though, is that you don't have to stay there and take it. Fuck it. Pick something else. Life is all about choices, and most of those choices aren't even available to you yet. And if you pick suicide now, they never will be. THAT sucks. You're depressed. Fine. Talk to your doctor, get some prozac. Talk to your dealer, get some X. Snort a line of coke. You're angry and frustrated. Fine. Vent it somewhere. Krylon "asshole" on the side of your dad's truck. Key the rich kid's corvette. Let it out. The longer you hold it in, the more it'll eat you alive from the inside out. But for God's sake, don't kill yourself. Do something stupid and get killed in the process if you must, but to sit alone in your bedroom with a bottle of pills and die for the sake of dying is stupid and selfish. YES, selfish. NO, waiting an extra week so you can hug your friend goodbye does not change that. What, suicide is a magnanimous act now? You're serving the greater good and making the world a better place by offing yourself? You think we're all going to throw a party, sing Kum-bi-ya and say, "Thank God ?e's gone"? Fuck, no. You're not helping anyone or anything else, the only thing you're "helping" is yourself. Running away from YOUR problems, YOUR pain. It's nothing BUT self centered. And stupid and irresponsible. And it pisses me off 'cause I went through about the worst a teenager can, and I'm still here. probably isn't in the right state of mind to be a crisis counselor right now. 040720 ... death YOU FUCKED UP ARSE-HOLE!! YOU TELL ME TO GET COUNCILLING!! WELL I'M HEVING IT OK? HAD MY FIRST SESSION THIS YEAR TODAY AND YOU KNOW WHAT U SELF CENTERED FREAK? I LOATHE IT, OR IS THAT TOO BIG A WORD FOR YOUR LITTLE MIND? EVERY TIME I COME OUT OF THAT BUILDING IM WORSE THAN WHEN I WENT IN!! IF YOU NEVER TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF THEN YOU PROBABLY WERE NOT AS BAD AS SOME OF US WHO HAVE TRIED IT. HAVE YOU FELT SO ABSOLOUTLY CONSUMED BY GUILT THAT EVEN THE LITTLEST OF PLEASURES TO YOURSELF MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'VE STOLED A $100 000 DIAMOND RING? DO YOU HURT YOUSELF FOR JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE COMMITED THIRTY SINS AND BROKEN FIFTY LAWS? K i've calmed down now. I get confused ok? And by the way I'm not a boy I'm a girl. And you are obviously American or something like that because we call secondary school College or only High School if or school is called Something High School. And we don't have 'Graduation' or whatever it is, I dunno what we call it. Your pain might also be dulled by the years of not being depressed and suicidal so keep your mouth shut please. 040720 ... dosquatch Hit a nerve, did I? Good. That means there's something still alive in there. Now, instead of expending all of that energy defending your right to feel miserable, expend it defending your right to be healthy and normal. 040721 ... death No, you can't know what I feel, only a few people can tell when I'm upset. You are obviously not one of these people. You have no idea what its like, well maybe you did but you obviously can't remember. Yes girls are knowen to be more emotional then boys but some of us are very capable of hiding our feelings behind masks of happyness or blankness. Stop laying the guilt trip ass hole because my ex has taken care of that. So stop pretending you know, because you didn't experience the fright of you mother finding the cuts on your wrist last night, you didn't get forced to the building you hate almost as much as you hate yourself, and I bet you havn't experienced hate like I have, hate filling every sinew of you, no other emotion in you, no other thought of wether this is right or not, absolute, total, hate and loathing. 040721 ... dosquatch Oh, but you can speak with authority on who I am and what I feel? Bite me. Every day I'm alive is a struggle. I have to remind myself every morning to like me for who I am. I have to give myself permission to enjoy things. At least once a day something makes me think that I'd be better off if I weren't here. Some days are awful fucking hard. I've spent quite a few evenings with the loaded gun on the table in front of me, making the lists of why I should vs why I shouldn't. Thankfully it's been two years since I've been at that point. Depression is a disease. Every day I make it through is one more day that I control the disease instead of it controlling me. Don't presume to tell me what I do and don't know. I know that the disease lies to me, and by and large I'm better off alive than dead. You are, too. And if my saying so gets me the title of asshole, I'll wear it with fucking pride, thanks. 040721 ... . 040722 ... laced your daddy was aiming you at GOd when his death pulled the trigger -Ted Hughes 040722 ... death dosquatch: if you were as deep as me you will know the feelings that i have. If you really wanted to die you wouldn't have wasted time on a stupid list, you would have done it. I don't care how I die, but some ways I just can't do, guns are illegal here, I only know like 3 people who have a rifle. There is no rope at my house. So that leaves me to buy pain killers or steal a knife from the kitchen. So tell me dosquatch, why did you waste time on a list of wether to do it or not? I f you were as desperate as you say you were why didn't you just do it there and then? So think before you tell me I'm selfish, weak and finding a quick way ou. 040722 ... robbotlee Suicide is never painless. 040723 ... death i never said it was never painless, i dun care how painful it is if i die and don't have to suffer being put on life-support or being in a coma. I don't care, im going to do it eventually. 040723 ... doar . 040817 ... me? nyeh 040823 ... (z) (great no wave band) 040823 ... JOhnJangles wut i dont get is why people would wanna kill themselves in such painful or potentially painful ways. fawk that. if i was gunna kill myself id just shoot myself in the head. nuf said 040825 ... o_caritas Who By fire And who by fire, who by water, who in the sunshine, who in the night time, who by high ordeal, who by common trial, who in your merry merry month of may, who by very slow decay and who shall I say is calling? And who in her lonely slip, who by barbiturate, who in these realms of love, who by something blunt, and who by avalanche, who by powder, who for his greed, who for his hunger, and who shall I say is calling? And who by brave assent, who by accident, who in solitude, who in this mirror, who by his lady's command, who by his own hand, who in mortal chains, who in power, and who shall I say is calling? -- Leonard Cohen 040912 ... kelsey Suicide is nothing. Inside, you're already dead, its easy to hide when the outside is so different. You look alive, even though you have eyes full of tiredness, longing for sleep. Sleep seems impossible. You use up every last bit of energy being someone alive. You hate to see the people you love worry, even if they don't love you. When you're dead you don't have to see them worry, see them talk behind your back because you're just a dumb joke. You don't have to see, hear, taste, feel or belive anything. No one can dop anything to you, only your slowly decaying corpse.You are nothing when you're gone, and you were nothing from the beginning. You were miserable, and now, you never have to be who you are again. 041005 ... kelsey Suicide is nothing. Inside, you're already dead, its easy to hide when the outside is so different. You look alive, even though you have eyes full of tiredness, longing for sleep. Sleep seems impossible. You use up every last bit of energy being someone alive. You hate to see the people you love worry, even if they don't love you. When you're dead you don't have to see them worry, see them talk behind your back because you're just a dumb joke. You don't have to see, hear, taste, feel or belive anything. No one can do anything to you, only your slowly decaying corpse.You are nothing when you're gone, and you were nothing from the beginning. You were miserable, and now, you never have to be who you are again. 041005 ... Dank Suicide is not selfish. Eat the fucker's brains out. Fuck me. 041006 ... seeker it crosses my mind it would be so easy just to open the bottle of pills i depend on for happiness and swallow them all and lay in my bed and wait for the pain to go away forever why do i feel this way why am i so alone why do i think such crazy thoughts maybe my stay at the institution wasn't long enough because i am not cured yet and i hate this guilt that consumes me i hate feeling this way i hate my sadness that darkens everything i do and overcomes me i hate having to try so hard to be happy maybe i just never was meant to be content with who i am maybe happiness is not an option 041116 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl dont try to be happy otherwise it will always feel forced to you just accept the sadness aceept the pain deal with it however way you can i cut i cry i scream i write i hide i sleep and then i cry some more but i found that really, there is stuff to live for. i have my gcse's coming up soon i will become more stressed and with that will come depression if you embrace the pain then you can move on but dont stay with the pain just because you know it and it's comfortable to stay in the grey world you established around yourself be daring...... taking small steps may be the way for you to get back to being neutral but you need to leap to be happy dont be scared dont run dont ignore it just accept that everything changes constantly and even though you're at the bottom at the moment, things have to get better they have to the world wouls stagnate otherwise - CHANGE IS INEVITABLE dont fight it. If anybody wants to talk, email me if you want. miss_lucifer1@hotmail.com Good luck. give it a chance before you resort to the extremes. 041116 ... briar lets see... i am the most recent 'death' (see above deaths, about the last 4-8). im kinda amazed at some of the things i said. but, im still here unfortunatly. still hiding the knife and my other insruments of my personal torture. still wishing i would 'wake up dead'. still having councelling. still being dissapointed by boys. thankyou philip for reigniting my suicidal tendancies 041119 ... me i know i shouldn't. i know its a dumb thing to do. i know it iwll only cause others hurt. i know after i die i won't feel a thing. i know if i die i won't care about who is missing me. but is there any other alternative? i know, i could go to a therapist, but he doesn't understand. he'll try t, but no one gets it. i'm stuck in this shell, with the most vicious of wars inside my head. i'm tearing myself apart. i think about suicide ALOT. i never actually attempted it, but I know that I have the plan of to kill myself worked out exactly. its scary. some days, when I'm not feeling too bad, i get scared that i have that in the back of my mind. but i don't know what else to do. its such an easy solution. like taking candy from a baby.... i won't kill myself. atleast i hope not, i don't think i have the guts to do it. but still. this would be pre emptive. i can see the clouds of the biggest unmitigated shit storm on the horizon, and its only a matter of time until shit hits the preverbial fan like no other. so what is the cause of this? haha, i feel almost embaressed to admit it. i failed two classes. in college. yep, that's it. classes. what a stupid freakin reason to get worked up, eh? i'm not even the guy who cares about grades, which is why i failed in the first place. i just dont want to see the disappointment on my paretns faces. but if i killed myelf, the disapointment on everyone's face would be even worse. 041229 ... Mahayana hang in there me i wish i had the answers to share with you i wish that i knew all the right & truest things to say to you to affect you in such a positively profound way but unfortunately i do not, heck i dont even have the answers to keep myself going when i feel as if i can no longer, i too have to consciously fight the whispering inclinations in the back of my mind to just do it -- i too wish i had the gutts to just do it but i dont. secretly inside, i keep hoping that someday when ive made it through all this pain and suffering that i will be blessed with the gift & opportunies to help others. it may seem cheesy but -- i keep telling myself unless i experience the extreme pain, disappointment, and heartbreak... that i would consist of such little passion & hope in order to really help others. maybe we wont ever have the right answers but maybe someday well come across all the right questions and well understand in ways we never imagined hang in there me and just know that there are others out there that care about you and that may have an idea of how you feel right now you are not alone, stay strong me, stay strong -- you can get through this... for you and I and everyone else are so much more than our grades, the letters & shapes that make up our names and bodies, we are the truest to what nobody else can see -- and that is what matters the most 041229 ... monee is it just me or does this page look blackish 041229 ... once again And with the commission of ritual scholastic suicide comes only one question. Is it possible to fail with honor? 041229 ... bricolage you will learn to like it. i swear to god. in the passanger seat, dead to the world, eyes closed, but not tired. you notice things. things come into place. nothing hurts, but you can still see it shining from where the scars are deepest. stay drunk (on alchohol, randomness, creativity, cutting, whatever) stay gone stay in transit and if all else fails end it 050114 ... selfi im killing myself to be with you. my soul is on a self destructive path of penance. i kill myself every time i want to hold you and touch you. i dull my heart and numb my soul. to be with you. 050114 ... selfi im killing myself to be with you. my soul is on a self destructive path of penance. i kill myself every time i want to hold you and touch you. i dull my heart and numb my soul. to be with you. 050114 ... selfi im killing myself to be with you. my soul is on a self destructive path of penance. i kill myself every time i want to hold you and touch you. i dull my heart and numb my soul. to be with you. 050114 ... selfi im killing myself to be with you. my soul is on a self destructive path of penance. i kill myself every time i want to hold you and touch you. i dull my heart and numb my soul. to be with you. 050114 ... krupt Billy Cobin lost it all We knew he would eventually Some wonders why he took the fall Others just ask who the hell is he And why should we care for him? A baggy man with baggy clothes A face made of paper mache He lost his humor years ago Along with his molars His head planted beneath his shoulders Kill the pain, integrity don't keep you warm and sane Don't throw me out with the bath water Don't wanna be, anyone who would wanna know me Billy Cobin had a time, Billy Cobin had a place Following his fifteen minute climb Billy took a seven second leap a cannonball Plunge off the deep 050210 ... Piso Mojado why_did_she 050211 ... Chelsea I have cut my wrist around 5 times...and each time...I didn't suceed. So I figured maybe I should just live. Then I did it again...and I don't remember anything. In my mom's words...I was found on my bedroom floor covered with blood about to die. Rushed to the hospital...I should've died. I don't know why I didn't...why I'm still alive...I wanna be gone...I wanna die...I almost did...just ONE more try 050213 ... nor dreamed about this moment, got caught staring at the ceiling in math class thinking about it... when i'd finally be free. yet what happens if once i am, out of spirit, out of soul, i am once again re-encarnated as an insignificant creature in some far off world millions of times more horrible than my own -- with no way out this time. no way to escape. or what if i'm the person i most dispise. what then... that am i to do? any suggestions? 050214 ... TWIZLEX ☺☻☻☺☻☺☻☺☻☺☻☺☻☺☻☺☻☺☻☺☻ smiley faces i should be doing homework but i cant, im to happy right now today is valentines day my girlfriend went home cuz she was sick i didnt get to reach up her shirt like she said i would be able to today my friend got his ass kicked cuz he called this muscle bound junior a fatass. i called him a fatass first, but brian took it to harassment, and got punched in the head 7 times. i love sarah allen the love and warmth of another human being who i also loved and cared about helped me so much i think the feeling is permanent, i am confident, i can feel im starting to get to the point where everything i feel is real, not like its just some screen im watching the water pour through i can feel emotions like they belong to me bjork is an amazing composer i love this music it makes my mind beat against my head, makes me feel beautiful things music is the most powerful form of communication it can instill great emotion, great power it gives me images of bright light and violent car crashes i am a tired person pluto is the planet furthest away from the sun it must be so cold out there i wonder what it feels like I want to be with Sarah Allen right now i love her so much we can lick eachothers wounds nothing is erased the bright blue text gets to me return getValentine i wrote her a sappy love poem my dads was better no one will read this my mouses eronometry isnt the best i think a lot push-me and-then-just-touch-me till-i-can-get-my satasfaction this subwoofer vibrates my legs this volume wraps itself around my face that kid has to learn how to take a joke VIN DEISEL cumquat mother fucker i love my girlfriend and dont only want sexual favors how many time have i told you to not jump the fence? these speakers kick ass i need to use a q-tip more often i love this song you probably would love this song too my coin jar probably has 6 dollars in it the lights are intoxicating im typing what im thinking at the moment i am on the phone with her right now i love talking to her you dont know me dont hate me dont hate me dont hate me dont hate me i hate you i hate everyone i love everyone love people i do not fear people anymore i wish i were here i need medicine i am on 100mg of zoloft, one pill a day and concerta, one pill every school day. several times the amount of excitement needed per day "why were you chasing him?" "...because he was running.." instinct .........because he was running.. children BECAUSE HE WAS RUNNING they used to be small children err TWINS jokingly to eachother people are so satasfactory im ill killing the flies on her windsheild, a murderer I HAVE A PENIS, SHE HAS A VAGINA erases nothing tgfttgf oink like a pig im running out of options i have to get my glasses back! i cant see! i have sharp shiny cuts on my arm where the blood once was, where the stream used to flow between two pale crescents, holding my credentials birds sing like they have nothing to sing for to winter 10-9=1 i dont have 20 dollars, leave me alone, DYKE duke of hazzard oh fuck me FUCK THIS SHIT, STRAIGHT TO HELL, fuck it, love isnt meant to feel bad, i should be happier then richard simmons 050214 ... phil hell ya 050214 ... Chelsea Open up your eyes, And open wide, I want you to realize, The pain I feel inside. You like to think, Think I’m happy, You think I’m glad, Really I’m sad, You think I’m happy, It’s just meant to be, Get it threw your head, Before you’re dead, Come on, Get out of bed, Put on your fake smile, Walk a mile, Trying to be me, Just say it’s not meant to be, I know it’s not already, It’s just not meant to be, It’s not the world, It’s completely me, Go on thinking, Thinking it’s cool, I slit my wrist, I’m about to rule, I tell you I feel like dirt, I sit on the floor, Knowing it’ll hurt, Looking up with my blade, I still have a chance to say, I never did, But here’s the truth, I accidentally slid. Slid that blade across my arm, Believe me I slid it hard, I wasn’t thinking, I’d still be bleeding, I went too far, Not only will it scare, It’s going to kill me, I told you is it wasn’t meant to be, Sorry it was All Me! Yeah 050216 ... Bridgeburner Don't do it. My aunt killed herself. It's left me feeling, yeah, but never having the courage to do it. Is that selfish? Or cowardy? I mean, like I said, not enough courage. I would never do it for the simple fact I could never do that to anyone though. 050226 ... Amy will i be denied Christ, my suicide... 050227 ... I thought this would be the last time... Gosh...it seems everytime I try to kill myself, I always cut. And it doesn't work. I want to die sometimes. I want to be away from this awful place. There has to be a reason why I'm still here, but I've cut so deep, I should've died. But I feel there is no reason for me to be here and walk on this earth. But why is the lord making me stay...I don't want to be here, can't you see. I'm not very happy...and I'm not feeling well. I want to be gone, so I don't have to listen to these people anymore. They're spitting their insults, I don't want to here. I am who I am whether or not you like it. I may cut for fun, it's just begun, hopefully one day...it'll be the end. 050327 ... Briar~Rose i want to die. life is full of dissapointments. it sucks. i want to leave 050422 ... continuous ache "everybody leaves" she always said and now the words echo through my head on repeat- never again, i've found a new friend that'll never leave, never give me peace, i finally understand why after all these years i still bleed for him, for them because i see it happening all over again i just want to forget all this, live like normal people do not see the truth of the world behind fake smiles i want to turn back the clock and stop all that craziness so i could just be my age instead of being so sage about how things really are i guess my faith is one little burned out star in the grand scheme of things but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't count for anything my heart's been a vagabond, a gypsy left to wander alone now i face a decision turn my back on what i've known all these years face my fears of the ghosts of tomorrow take on my sorrow one on one but which is it that will be undone? my leftover faith? or the hopelessness that brought me to this place? 050423 ... continuous ache "everybody leaves" she always said and now the words echo through my head on repeat- never again, i've found a new friend that'll never leave, never give me peace, i finally understand why after all these years i still bleed for him, for them because i see it happening all over again i just want to forget all this, live like normal people do not see the truth of the world behind fake smiles i want to turn back the clock and stop all that craziness so i could just be my age instead of being so sage about how things really are i guess my faith is one little burned out star in the grand scheme of things but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't count for anything my heart's been a vagabond, a gypsy left to wander alone now i face a decision turn my back on what i've known all these years face my fears of the ghosts of tomorrow take on my sorrow one on one but which is it that will be undone? my leftover faith? or the hopelessness that brought me to this place? 050423 ... kelc Tonight i am having a smoke. And im having coffe now. And i hate what i am but i'll be okay. Its the words that linger in far back of my head, every time my bipolar goes down the loo. suppose i need more meds? My life is kind of a haze and a blur and i can't tell whats real or not and im just so sick of this and being messed up, and i cut, or i used to, months since i did last. And im not suicidle. Im anti-suicidle and the tendencies that linger with me.. why am i everything that picks my scabs and makes me sad? I just lost in my head. Im look two people sometimes. And sometime i open my eyes and only see black. Very confusing and worrying. Im stopping now. 050423 ... Ahta Daga Today I watched 8 kids I grew up with carry my best friends coffin across the lawn into his eternal holding place. why does it need to take a death so close to you to alter your life to a new meaning? please... dont waste your time tring to please everyone else, do what you want, how you want it, because we dont know when were going to leave this world forever, and whether it comes sooner then anticipated, make sure you lived your life to its fullest. RIP Mike. 050427 ... Lemon_Soda In the mind of the suicide, there is no other choice. It is the only way. So if your not dead yet, witch way haven't you tried that your avoiding? What take on whats going on have you not considered? Ultimately, all things must change or die. So ask yourself witch you prefer and do it. 050427 ... oldephebe David Foster Wallace wrote in his magnum opus to minimalism, nihilism and disassociative and as an adjunct life stealing ennui of ahhh..wht the hell..? He talked about this legend, this thing out of some nordic or germanic myth. This great carrion bird that casts a burning shadow over not just your soul but your entire being, every moment, every breath is like being caught in the under tow. Ya feel like ya just wanna lie down in the grass and feed the worms. And neither pot or beer or peach Schnopps takes the edge off the knife or the blade doing the Zorro thing with my fatigued heart. Yeah you awaken to the sound of the Sun falling out of the sky. And the day seems to say hey! Have a big ol' slice of s*** pie! And I wish I could be ruthless in the sole pursuit of my existence...but I can't. I'm walking on the withered stumps of Time. Time I squandered. Time I spent listless, in monochrome coloidal ague. Time I spent curled fetally and sometimes not even the ministrations of my god seem not to be able to reach me. The psalmist in the old testament wrote something about giving voice and hence releasing the dark things within us that hunt for our souls. I'm here bracing my gaunt spirit against the two ply wall with my eyes bleeding silver, it's fractured path that I won't wipe off will leave a crystallized trail on my cheeks. ... 050427 ... camille i cannot judge anyone that decides this is their inevitable way out. Suicide is loss of hope some say it's the easy way out.... I wonder if it's not the most difficult decision that person has ever had to make. I walked out one early morning and saw a lamb in my backyard which I thought very odd..the atmosphere was not right at all. It seemed as if we were having an eclipse or the sun decided to come up on the opposite end of the world... Living at that time on the outskirts of town led me to believe the neighbors pet animals were out. Maybe Bernie had left the gate open. I mentioned it to my brother, he came out to see. About that time Bernie's dad peaked up over the fence on Bernie's side of the fence. Bernie's dad was in his mid 50's at the time.. He broke my train of thought and asked us both...."Have you seen Bernie? His animals are out and no one has seen him this morning." Bernie was in his mid 20's I'd say. Had hard knocks, trouble with the law. Was married, had a daughter, but now divorced... My brother stood up on a log stump to talk to Mr. P...as he was telling him, we saw him yesterday..but haven't seen ...... ...... ... .. he stopped short and his stomach grabbed his words as my brother looked passed Mr. P and saw feet dangling from a tree Mr. P had just passed through by the gate... he missed it the biggest clue of his life the gate... my brother trying to talk to Mr. P and trying to esp me the message that something was not right... he pointed towards the fence and i looked and saw nothing from my point of view...like playing charades...i could not translate his motions his words grasped in his throat and Mr. P looked at me and looked at the frightened look in my brother's eyes. He slowly turned afraid to see what was behind him.. he turned his neck like creaking door that wanted to slam shut with his clenched teeth.. he jumped down from his perch when his heart fell to the ground there in the tree was bernie... i ran as fast as my feet could carry me to his father's aid.. the whole while praying for the strength to handle what I was about to see. I didn't matter anymore, my feelings quickly grew a membrane to protect my sensitivity to this experience Mr. P had his son in his arms lifting him off the weight of the orange extension cord...extended cord Mr. P was screaming out with all the anguish in the world. At that moment the world ended, time stopped, sound stopped, all that i could feel was his tears as I held bernie up on the other side. I did not cry but breathed as if crying a hard cry.... Mr. P the whole while crying from his being and asking, "Why? what is this that you have done? What is this that you have done? What is this that you have done?......What is this that you have done? his cheek to his son's bare belly cold from the night before. my thoughts... he hung here all last night and i was just next door.. how can anyone be so desolate with someone just next door?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I held Mr. P's hand and helped to hold bernie up till the paramedics arrived. The neighbor women were wailing which made the earth want to swallow me because i felt they did not need to add to this father's despair.. As he and I held his son i had flash memory of when his son was little, the setting was a field they were playing baseball the ball went over the fence and i was on the other side watching as bernie jumped on the fence with one leg to jump over to retreive the ball. He laughed at the thought of his father batting the ball so far....over the fence and straining his voiced echoed in my thought, "it's ok dad I've got it." The paramedics came to me and gently pulled me away while they carried the cross now..... they asked me if i would be ok... i looked at bernie's father and the horror as he looked as his wife turned the corner in her car... i silently walked away and said, "yes i'm ok"... bernie's father trying to put on the look normality as he stumbled like a drunk to his wife to give her the news.... i left before i could hear her scream.. life can be hard for some...when no one will listen. Who ever told you that no one would listen or ever understand your plight in this life? My god, there was someone next door... 050427 ... camille later that eve an eery glow and smoke took the trees place bernie's friends sat all around where the tree used to be they had burnt the awful memory down http://www.ceciliatsan.com/mp3.html Deux Âmes au Ciel Jacques Offenbach (6:03) 050501 ... camille later that eve an eery glow and smoke took the trees place bernie's friends sat all around where the tree used to be they had burnt the awful memory down http://www.ceciliatsan.com/mp3.html Deux Âmes au Ciel Jacques Offenbach (6:03) 050501 ... nor 1,2,3 then my parents found me on the floor, passed out on my bedroom floor 4, almost there.. 5th times the charm.... i can only hope 050517 ... me YEAH SO THIS ONE TIME THERE WAS THIS ONE KID, WHO DID THIS ONE THING AND THEN HE GOT IT TROUBLE. IT ALL STARTED LIKE THIS. IT WAS A SUNNY FRIDAY AFTERNOON WHEN JIMMY DECIDED TO LEAVE SCHOOL. HIS TEACHER GOT VERY MAD AND YELLED AT HIM UNTILL HE CRIED TILL HE COULD CRY NO MORE, IT WAS VERY SAD FOR JIMMY, BECAUSE WHEN HE GOT TO THE POINT WHERE HE COULD CRY NO MORE, WHICH BY THE WAY IS A LOT OF CRYING, HE KILLED HIMSELF. IT WAS A VERY SAD DAY FOR EVERYONE BECAUSE JIMMY WAS USUALLY A REALLY GOOD KID. THE ONLY REASON THAT HE DECIDED TO LEAVE SCHOOL WHEN HE REALLY WASN'T ALOWED TO WAS BECAUSE OF THIS ONE KID NAMED TOMMY. TOMMY WAS A BAD KID AND JIMMY USUALLY KNEW NOT TO ACCOCIATE HIMSELF WITH KIDS LIKE TOMMY BUT JIMMY HAD GIVEN IN BECAUSE TOMMY OFFERED ALL OF HIS LUNCH MONEY IF HE WOULD COME WITH HIM. OH NO, WHAT A BAD CHOICE IT WAS. BECAUSE ULTIMATLY IT LEAD TO THE DEATH OF JIMMY, A REALLY GOOD KID. 050916 ... me I think I did it wrong. I fucked it all up. I couldn't get even this right. I commited suicide backwards. My mind and spirit are dead and my body moves emotionless along with the world. I was meant for something better 060202 ... me I think I did it wrong. I fucked it all up. I couldn't get even this right. I commited suicide backwards. My mind and spirit are dead and my body moves emotionless along with the world. I was meant for something better 060202 ... ivyducktwilightseto quite a daunting blathe to read, perhaps some other day. I am and always have been very moved by the words and thoughts of the inhabitants of this place. Sometimes I sink deep into depression, and my thoughts turn to suicide. It has really been hard to deal with through the past few years. I suppose I began to lose motivation once my knives mysteriously "disappeared," an event which ironically coincided with my brother noticing several cuts on my lower leg. It's really just something I can never work up the nerve to do. It just takes so much. I laugh at saying it is "something to do" when it is really simply THE thing. I don't know if that made much sense, but oh well. These days I really just get pretty depressed and accept that things will be that way. Right now I'm feeling pretty good about myself, pretty hopeful at least. I hope that anyone that reads through this enormous blathe can find help with their problems. This is something that is extremely difficult to fight, and it never hurts to have someone by your side. Best of luck to all, I'm off to live my life the way I am supposed to. By this I mean... Live... TO LIVE! 060203 ... poet it makes me hurt inside when i hear about people killing themselves... 060326 ... blatherlink suicide_quotations 060327 ... birdmad I used to ponder it a lot. I'd flirt with it, I tried it a few times, in methods i thought were foolproof only to fail miserably ( a happenstance which only deepened the despair that drove me to such foolishness ) Then i decided i wasn't going to give anyone the satisfaction of offing myself, i wasn't going to slump around wishing i was dead, i was gonna be a real raging shit, the kind of person who makes other people - especially those who fueled my despair as with gasoline on a campfire - wish i was dead, just so that my continued existence would be like a fucking plague on them, an unceasing and unforgiving reminder that we cannot wash away all of our transgressions, great or small. It was my greatest mistake to forget that trafficking in bedevilment is one of my strongest suits 060327 ... tyler durden self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction... 060327 ... Briar~Rose beenlike this for five years... five fucking miserable long years. scars running from my elbow to my wrist... telling a story of three years... three years of failiure. people dissapoint. they lie. they hate. they destroy loves that once were. they torment. the rip their supposed 'loved ones' appart. this world is full of disapointments. fuck thats a long word but its probably not spelt right. this life isnt right. i need meds but im scared to tell my parents that im back here again, back to square one. i dont wana tell them. dont wana face my friends. be easier to end it all. but they'd be so disapointed. cant handle this anymore my head is caving in, the darkness enveloping the bright. cant handle this. 060705 ... Deathofarose well, if it's a up to the indifference of the many who hear your voice in our heads, then I would say that if you explore more of this universe called blather, you might glimpse that many of use have expressed this uneasiness with our existence. we still graple with the comprehension of what walls are still before us. do we believe that we have hit the end wall? we believe that each wall is meant to be scaled, broken, anihilated....etc. i, for one, sincerely hope that your last thought is not "Why is this rope so tight?....cough...cough." I've fucking been there.....and the dripping of red into the sink....toilet....floor....stair....handrail..."do I really care at this point?". I guess I did. I hope you do too. . 060705 ... Briar~Rose Hun, i aint gonna use a rope. And i also know what it's like to see those bright red drops. Last night was a dark patch, so sue me for venting my feelings! 060707 ... ivyducktwilightseto Ah, the futility of human existence. If you take away all the emotions, relationships, and any other product of a human's complex brain, we are all really just fucking up the planet and have no excuse for it. We all live in horrible excess and do almost nothing to stop it. On top of that, we run around killing and doing extremely cruel things to one another all the fucking time. We also kill tons of other animals as well, usually for a complete waste. So why don't we all just kill ourselves? That's where our damn complex brain functions come into play. Fuck. If I go, no one else is going to realize why I did it and just won't understand. Or they'll get pissed off at me for leaving them so early in the game. And I just can't let all the hard work, money, love, and caring that my mother and father put into my life go down the drain. So I'm stuck in this fucking contract. Dammit. And on top of all that, I don't even believe in a fucking afterlife, so what's the point of killing myself if there's nowhere to go to and nothing to do from here? I suppose I could yearn for that endless nothingness and the thrill of never thinking or anything ever again... but what's the fun in that? If only there was something in life that didn't just contradict itself at every turn. 060831 ... starboy the worst thing a suicide patient can do is to leave too long a note. 061028 ... Christ without the cross IS it worth it? 061211 ... Christ without the cross is it worth it? 061211 ... Christ without the cross is it worth it? 061211 ... Christ without the cross is it worth it? 061211 ... Christ without the cross is it worth it? 061211 ... Christ without the cross is it worth it? 061211 ... empty sometimes, life can be worse than death sometimes, life doesnt get better the people you love most begin to hate you even if they love you but all you can see is the hatred in their eyes and the guilt that you put it there doesnt go away you die long before you actually kill yourself, you hurt the ones you love long before it's done what's the point of living, if you can't be happy? what's your life worth, when it has lost all meaning. selfish? i think the people who fucked me up were selfish did they care about how they treated me? did they care about what i felt? they cared to get a good laugh, to let out their anger, and used me to make themselves feel good. whos really selfish? when my mother found out i tried to kill myself after i went to the hospital to get stitches for cutting myself, she cried.....a lot. i felt bad but why the fuck did it have to get so serious for her to realized she was hurting me inside? why the fuck cant people think about what they say to people, or what they do? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT? is it less selfish to kill others when we get hurt? 061212 ... Christ without the cross Why don't we stop talking. This is a mood thing why I am asking the world to shut up when I don't even have a problem hearing people talk. So why offend people because I'm in a mood. Keep talking. One day someone will listen. One day the world will finally see what has been going on underneath the surface. Maybe we won't be so selfish. Maybe we won't lie. maybe we won't have to suffer anymore. Maybe we will stop saying we love long enough to actually love. Maybe we will stop lying long enough to see the truth. But somebody has to decide: "Let it start with me" 061212 ... Christ without the cross Why don't we stop talking. This is a mood thing why I am asking the world to shut up when I don't even have a problem hearing people talk. So why offend people because I'm in a mood. Keep talking. One day someone will listen. One day the world will finally see what has been going on underneath the surface. Maybe we won't be so selfish. Maybe we won't lie. maybe we won't have to suffer anymore. Maybe we will stop saying we love long enough to actually love. Maybe we will stop lying long enough to see the truth. But somebody has to decide: "Let it start with me" 061212 ... ofsuch some days the thoughts are more than others... other days less. today at least six times. 070112 ... Isaou I think about it too much.. Often I see all the chemicals at school & make a mental note to find out which would work best.. But My family, my friends, her, & him, would hurt too much, at least, I hope they would. I hope someone would. It worries me though that maybe they wouldn't.. Life For some people it's just not what they want to do & that's their choice. For others, they may never even consider the option of suicide, they are the people we envy. If anyone needs to talk about it..or such..click on my name for email Be strong folks xx 070414 ... f i couldn't live with myself if I had killed someone or assisted in the killing of someone, I think if I was a person to kill someone I would be glad that it is possible to be able to take your own life. I wouldn't want the general public paying for my prison dinners and personal safety, that would make me feel even worse. In some countries they hang you but here we just wait for you to hang yourself. 100810 ... . of course there are exceptions within that, ... 100810 ... jen It's something I said I would never do. A legacy that you don't want to leave for your family and friends. It's something I've thought about everyday.. to the point I have my affairs in order, everything is as it should be, and it could happen tomorrow. I think about it and then force myself to go to sleep, because I don't want to be "THAT GIRL" 101207 ... Janaewen barebones= given: severe pain or dishonor in one given: aforementioned pain or dishonor is not mitigated by anesthesia or penance to a level less than severe, as deemed by MOTHER given: aforementioned pain or dishonor is accurately projected to continue for a duration rightly deemed by MOTHER as unendurable or as unendurably shameful then: the least absurd pathway 110422 ... Janaewen barebones= given: severe pain or dishonor in one given: aforementioned pain or dishonor is not mitigated by anesthesia or penance to a level less than severe, as deemed by MOTHER given: aforementioned pain or dishonor is accurately projected to continue for a duration rightly deemed by MOTHER as unendurable or as unendurably shameful then: the least absurd pathway 110422 ... Janaewen barebones= given: severe pain or dishonor in one given: aforementioned pain or dishonor is not mitigated by anesthesia or penance to a level less than severe, as deemed by MOTHER given: aforementioned pain or dishonor is accurately projected to continue for a duration rightly deemed by MOTHER as unendurable or as unendurably shameful then: the least absurd pathway 110422 ... Janaewen barebones= given: severe pain or dishonor in one given: aforementioned pain or dishonor is not mitigated by anesthesia or penance to a level less than severe, as deemed by MOTHER given: aforementioned pain or dishonor is accurately projected to continue for a duration rightly deemed by MOTHER as unendurable or as unendurably shameful then: the least absurd pathway 110422 ... Janaewen suicide // given: severe pain or dishonor in one / given: aforementioned pain or dishonor is not mitigated by anesthesia or penance to a level less than severe, as deemed by MOTHER / given: aforementioned pain or dishonor is accurately projected to continue for a duration rightly deemed by MOTHER as unendurable or as unendurably shameful / then: the least absurd pathway // 110422 110422 what's it to you? who go blather from