suicide
allie the ultimate self pity - ultimately selfish 990501
...
Starbuck sometimes the only way out 990914
...
no hero Once you said you'd stick to it until the end
I guess you lied, they call it suicide
Now you're gone
What was so wrong that you couldn't find a way to carry on?
Second guess
Did I do my best
There was a friend I had
Johnny was a weirdo
So what did you expect?
I ain't no fucking hero
I'm just trying to survive myself
I should have known you went through it alone
I wonder why did you even try?
You could have come to me
I would have helped you see
You could have found a way to carry on
Second guess
Did I do my best
There was a friend I had...
'Johnny's strange behavior was a tip-off,' they say
But I ain't no fucking savior
I'm just living day by day
Little things, little lives hanging 'til the end
I say it doesn't really mean nothing
Telling truth, telling lies
I used to have a friend
I say it don't really mean nothing
And I can't let this feeling go
Let this feeling go
Let this feeling go
991012
...
Drennan WHERE DID HE DO IT?
in his bedroom.
HOW DID HE DO IT?
shotgun, two rounds, against the head, pulled the trigger!
WHY DID HE DO IT?
hole in his spine, no symptoms yet, irreversable paralysis soon to come.
WHO FOUND HIM?
his brother, such a selfish act, no thought to the feelings of the familly, no thought of the consequences, he just ran away from it all.
991015
...
trakie don't do it 991015
...
the black rabbit blanketed in a warm calm of numb discomfort. a suicide body has no complaints.
a suicide body has no joys.
a suicide body cannot hold tightly.
991103
...
|sCaRReD*disTrOyeD| Escape from the world. Escape from those you hate. Escape from those you love. The route that only the weak take. Suicide is the easy way out. Strong-willed people don't need suicide. Even those of us whos lives suck don't nessicarily need suicide. Suicide is the more extreme form of getting high. When you commit suicide you know you won't come back if it is done right. When you get high you know you will come back if it is done right. Suicide is the single most idiotic thing one can do. 991127
...
jennifer It isn't an easy thing to miss you. Every day, I think of you. You showed me how beautiful my life could be. But, I guess I took that for granted. Everything is so cold without you here with me. I can't tell you why I did what I did, it just happened. I want you to know that it isn't your fault. I kept thinking of the reasons I needed to die, instead of the reasons I needed so desperately to live. I lose a part of us everyday. The memories of your sunset hair, your kind eyes and your bright smile are all fading. You were the only one who loved me, through it all. No matter what happened to me. Win, lose, it was all the same to you. You always used to tell me how proud you were of me. But I guess I took all that for granted to. I never told you how much you meant to me. As stupid as this sounds, I was afraid of losing you. I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling you how much I loved you. But after I died, you were never the same. The part I thought I saved by not telling you how I felt about you, died when I died. I saw you at my house, after the funeral, crying alone. I wanted to hug you, to hold you. But every time I even tried to touch you, you cried harder. It was almost like you could feel me pass through your hand. I know now that you're the only person I will ever love. But now, I can never say I love you and have you hear it. I can never make you smile or laugh. I can never feel you in my arms, I'll never run my fingers through you soft hair, I'll never hear you tell me that you're proud of me, and that you love me. It's been almost a year now. Losing you was the worst pain I have ever faced. But, I know that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you're part of something wonderful. Which is all I've ever wanted for you. 991205
...
Jon permanent solution for a temporary problem 991206
...
deb but havent you ever just wanted to
slit your flesh so deeply
that you would never wake up?
its a terrible feeling, but if you did
(slit your flesh, that is)
you would realise in a moment that
OOPS
thats not what i really wanted







or is it?
991209
...
nameless when you kill yourself its not always to actually kill yourself, sometimes, its to get rid of the bad parts and when you commit suicide and it doesnt work out (thats the reason why people take 25 pills instead of 50 when they're commiting suicide), its still a great relief because thats when you get rid of this part you always wanted to. its kinda set you free 991218
...
andrea a guy i used to work with
wonderful dude
would give the shirt off of his back
to a friend if they needed it
was always nice to me
my freshman year at school,
my mom called and told me
what happened to him
i cried
his poetry was phenomenal
i just wonder what's happened to it now
991220
...
spikey-ho wanting to give it all up in a single moment of clarity 991231
...
Tess the peoples of the world decide together that their lives exist in the 20th century, but only with the promise that one day, they might commit suicide. and then they are gettin' it on and livin' it on. 991231
...
ROMiEttE LOVE is suicide..... 000301
...
sarah is the ultimate taboo - but very appealing. Would put an end to an unenjoyed existance. 000307
...
Midnight Bliss Taking the easy way out is very selfish in my opinion. or is it? in a way its selfish, in a way it's not. if you kept going on, you were apt to just torture yourself, but you made the decision...to end your life, to end your pain, but by doing so, you dealt a lot of pain out amongst everyone who cared for you. did you ever even realize how many people loved you? i don't think you did, but now it's too late to come bck and absorb all the love. one day though, i will be with you holding your hand and kissing your lips. i will be there as soon as is meant for me, dear nathan, and it may not be long, but wait for me and i will come.

*shots ring through the air*
000319
...
Midnight Bliss explaining myself now, a wonderful guy killed himself march 7th, 2000, he was a great person, a magnificant artist...we all thought that he would make it to his dream job as a cartoonist for Disney. He did however, get into drugs and shit, and one night he decided to end his problems (he was also manic depressant) but he didn't realize how many people loved him. He had been labeled a "freak" because he wore make up and fingernail polish (black of course) he wore chains and spikes and things like a lot of us do. but everyone was so quick to judge him...little did most of them know, he was the sweetest most understanding person i've ever come across. he told some of his friends i guess that he loved me, which made me feel worse when i heard the news. the last thing he wrote to me was "don't forget me, your one true love" and i will always remember him as the spontaneous, energetic, happy, passionate and sensitive person i knew him to be.

word of encouragement, don't give up on yourself, and no one else will give up on you either.
000319
...
MollyGoLightly goethe sent tons of melodramatic, trendy europeans to their deaths. 000323
...
med The ultimate fuck you. 000325
...
girl i dont think about it 000327
...
birdmad maybe there is a god.

the fact that all of my most foolproof attempts have in fact been fooled is a testament to the notion that He's getting off on watching me twitch.

tried to shoot myself ... the gun jammed.

tried to hang myself in a lonely grove... the tree was blighted and the branch broke just before i went under

pills resulted in a three day nap ( maybe i'm jesus )

threw myself in front of a car ... got severly bruised ribs and a nasty road rash, damn that driver and his combination of new brakes and quick reflexes

the list goes on
a litany of razorblades and poisons and car wrecks and lions and tigers and bears (oh my!)

the most entertaining part of it all was the time i put a psychologist in shock by slitting my wrist in the middle of a consultation (and all i got for my trouble that time was a combination of detention and a really itchy inflammation around the edges of the wound that lasted for a week--tendinitis)

i dont miss the vein...

the vein seems to migrate back and forth from the point of the last wound.
000404
...
MollyGoLightly life's a gas 000405
...
amy love's taboo 000409
...
somebody murder of self 000417
...
calliope tempting. very tempting. very hard to hold onto myself sometimes. i just want to let go. i think if i did they would all say, 'yes, it was the best thing for her...'
only thing keeping me going- a thought that maybe one day it will be better
000505
...
birdmad do what i do sometimes,
instead of wishing YOU were dead,
be enough of an unpleasant, evil
pain-in-the-ass
so that OTHER PEOPLE
will wish you were dead

and revel in it.

Oh, and drink a lot...
be an obnoxious drunk.

It doesn't always help, it doesn't always work, but the entertainment value is pretty high

and a hidden benefit is that it'll tell you who your friends really are.

if they stick around in spite of the dramatic change in your behaviour but don't make a habit of flinging judgements at you, then they are worth keeping and think that you are too.

The ones who ditch you are assholes and you're better off without 'em.
000505
...
Matthew I court it almost everyday. Drinking adrenalin as I push myself beyond the limit and to a place where safety exists only for the sanity of my soul. I cling to life only by the slimmest margins of the physical realm and delight in the danger as I force myself to greater and more risky ends. And there I find for a time absolute clarity and peace, for there is no room for anything else save my effort and my will. If it is strong enough I will overcome, if it isnt, I bleed. 000621
...
kim a selfish act that hurts too many people 000713
...
kim jc june 1, 1998
why didnt you graduate?
000713
...
johnny I noticed she went quiet,
Slept a lot,
"Hey, try to get out today"
(Famous last words)
Sunday night - the Phone call,
She would`nt do that to me,
She loves me,
Loved me.....
000924
...
Barrett not a good habit to get into. 000924
...
god you are going to die anyway. what's the matter? you on a schedule or something? 001028
...
guitar_freak here i sit crying
thinking that not far away is my death
so quick so sudden
the end to my pain
if i had the nerve
i might just do it
the sleeping pills the docter gave me
they could make me sleep for eternity
the crank in my closet
the bottle down my throat
the end
seems so comforting right now
all i want is this life to be over
i wish i had the nerve
i wish i could
i should
just cry
001108
...
the void I hurt 001109
...
tazfab i see the countless christmas trees
being put up in union square
with tiny lights, like heaven's stars,reflecting on the snow
the sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tears

i hear the many christmas songs
that people hold so dear
but the sounds of music can't compare
with the christmas choir up here

i have no words to tell you
,the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing

i know how much you miss me,
i see the pain inside your heart.
but i am not so far away,
we really aren't apart

so be happy for me, dear ones,
you know i hold you dear.
and be glad i'm spending christmas
with jesus christ this year.

i sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
i sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

after all, love is a gift
more precious than pure gold.
it was always most important
in the stories jesus told

so have a merry christmas
and wipe away that tear.
remember, i am spending christmas
with jesus christ this year
001116
...
satansatansatan i've spent every christmas with Jesus.

he acts like he's so happy about it, but during the rest of the year he's always bitching about how he only gets one present 'cause it's his birthday.

if i wasn't eternal and bound to end up back here anyway, i'd kill myself just so i wouldn't nave to hear it.

"That which is eternal cannot die...but if it's any consolation, that hurt like hell." (my favourite line from a bad movie)
001117
...
Glory Box Why am I crying? 001202
...
corporal clegg what's troubling you? 001202
...
unhinged you are crying because you understand.
you say suicide is selfish but have you ever felt the need? i knew the people that loved me i knew that it would hurt them. but it is nothing but the end my friends. it is not to be selfish it is not to hurt the living...it is to end. be forever away from everything that made you scream in the first place. people try to tell me there is so much to live for. i don't live your life. the things that keep you alive mean nothing to me. the sun is just a ball of gas, the clouds evaporated water waiting to fall back to the earth the stars even more distant balls of gas. depression clouds beauty into reality. SOMETHINGS I JUST NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN. SOME FEELINGS I JUST NEVER WANT TO FEEL AGAIN. WHAT THE HELL IS SO WRONG WITH THAT? FUCK YOU ALL FOR CALLING ME SELFISH. YOU ARE THE SELFISH ONE THAT WANTS ME TO LIVE THIS WAY WITH THIS PAIN. love is the ultimate self-sacrifice. i love you so much that i can't stand to see that look in your eyes. i love you so much that i can't stand not to see that look in your eyes. either way my heart is ripping. have you ever felt the fiber of your life ripping in two looking back at the last time you ever said goodnight with the shortest kiss you ever shared right before he pushed you over the cliff? i didn't think you did. you have no idea what this feels like...don't tell me i am selfish for wanting this to go away. you wouldn't want to live with this either.
001203
...
lovers lament waiting for your breathing to slow, so you won't know, hear me in my room , blade to skin, isn't this how my life begins? aw, poor little scar girl, they'd never understand, just hold out my arm, palm to hand, will you see it before it's too late? 001203
...
unhinged it is like a smile to see you here dear when i wanted to talk to you all summer

i love you you know
001203
...
lovers lament i love you, unhinged 001204
...
frank


(Well, hoop hoop) You say there ain't no use in livin'
(Well, hoop hoop) It's all a waste of time
(Well, hoop hoop) 'N you wanna throw your life away, well
(Well, go on, do it!) People that's just fine
(Hoop hoop) Go ahead on 'n get it over with then
(Well, hoop hoop) Find you a bridge 'n take a jump
(Well, hoop hoop, well, hoop hoop)
(Well . . . ) Just make sure you do it right the first time
(Hoop!) 'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump
(Oo-woo-woo-woo-woo, oh, yeah!)

(Hoop hoop) You say there ain't no light a-shinin'
(Well, hoop hoop) Through the bushes up ahead
(Well, hoop hoop) 'N we're all gonna be so sorry
(Well, sorry, dead now) When we find out you are dead
(Hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Well, hoop hoop) Find you a bridge 'n take a jump
(Well, hoop hoop, well, hoop hoop)
(Well . . . ) Just make sure you do it right the first time
(Hoop!) 'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump
(Oo-woo-woo-woo-woo, oh, yeah!)

(Oooh) Now maybe you're scared of jumpin'
(Well, oooh) 'N poison makes you sick
(Well, oooh) 'N you want a little attention
(Well, oooh) 'N you need it pretty quick
(Well, oooh) Don't wanna mess your face up
(Well, oooh) Or we won't know if it's you
(Well, oooh) Aw, there's just so much to worry about
(Well, oo-woo-woo-wooh) Now what you gonna do?
(Hoop hoop) Go ahead on 'n get it over with then
(Well, hoop hoop) Find you a bridge 'n take a jump
(Well, hoop hoop, well, hoop hoop)
(Well . . . ) Just make sure you do it right the first time
(Hoop!) 'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump
(Oo-woo-woo-woo-woo, oh, yeah!)

(Well, hoop hoop) Now maybe you're scared of jumpin'
(Well, hoop hoop) 'N poison makes you sick
(Well, hoop hoop) 'N you want a little attention
(Well, hoop hoop) 'N you need it pretty quick
(Well, hoop hoop) Don't wanna mess your face up
(Well, hoop hoop) Or we won't know if it's you
(Well, hoop hoop) Aw, there's just so much to worry about
(Well, hoop hoop) Now what you gonna do?

(Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Well, hoop hoop) Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Well . . . )

You're on the bridge;
Scared to leap,
But a girl walks over
To take a peep . . .
She says: "DON'T DO IT!"
But wouldn't you know . . .
The girl got a head
Like a buffalo
With a little red hair
All over the top
An' her breath would make the
Traffic stop
She says "I LOVE YOU . . .
BUT FIRST, LET'S EAT!"
And all you can say as you run down the street is . . .
001212
...
chanaka screams
PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!
god i miss you
would you miss me? would anyone miss me?
sometimes i wish i could find out
001212
...
god i'm here.
what's up?
001212
...
a memory i'm so sorry.
three...two...one
001224
...
guitar_freak I don't think that if you have a strong will you can neccisarily escape from suicide. You begin with a strong soul you see, but year after year of depression wears your soul down until, there is nothing left. Your soul has suddenly lost all feeling, all strength, all meaning, everything. There is nothing left but too die. I discovered, however, after three attempts it doesn't work the way one thinks. Maybe the soul has some reserved energy, a will to survive. I don't think I will ever know. 001225
...
R That's the easy way out.
The hard thing is to stay alive...
and I am getting so tired
001229
...
j_blue sometimes i think its a phase everybody goes through, like the identity crisis people go through when they realize they arent kids anymore

i was through mine by 11
001229
...
Quiggz Hey yo. I know it's been said, and words won't help, but I still have to say it. It's not an answer. I was on the edge, praying for the strength to take the final step, to tighten the rope. But I never did it. And now I realized that if I had, it would have done nobody any good. It only multiplies your problems and puts them on other people, and for those of you who really are serious about it, I know you wouldn't want anyone to feel the way you do. And remember, even if you think nobody cares, no matter who you are, I will. I don't want anyone to try to take the route I almost did, no matter who you are, were or will be. Keep on pushing, and it'll all work out in the end. 010103
...
G_wiz13 im close to the edge right now. im close to the edge and im breaking down. its crazy how all of my friends and me included are suicidal sad but crazy 010103
...
peyton G Wiz 13.. don't do it. I want to kill myself too, and simply someone telling me not to has been enough to stop me. Write me if ya want to talk. I'll listen, and I'll respond.

Anyone who says suicide is for the weak is fucking wrong. It's for those who have totally embraced despair. They have exhausted all their illusions. They know the truth.

Just because your life got better doesn't fucking help me. Just because I am 99 percent certain mine will get better doesn't fucking help with the pain now does it? Does it?? Will fucking hope feed you when you are starving?? Can you put it in a glass and tell me it will make me all better?

Fuck no.

So don't you dare fucking call them weak. I call them martyrs. They died for who they were and who they believed in. They would rather die than change who they were. They were uncompromising people in an uncompromising world.

I wish sometimes I was strong enough to tighten the rope. Maybe one day I will be. But if I could teleport to each of the people who have died and try to talk to them I would. I know that any one of them I could have saved.

We had so much in common y'see?
010105
...
peyton G Wiz 13.. don't do it. I want to kill myself too, and simply someone telling me not to has been enough to stop me. Write me if ya want to talk. I'll listen, and I'll respond.

Anyone who says suicide is for the weak is fucking wrong. It's for those who have totally embraced despair. They have exhausted all their illusions. They know the truth.

Just because your life got better doesn't fucking help me. Just because I am 99 percent certain mine will get better doesn't fucking help with the pain now does it? Does it?? Will fucking hope feed you when you are starving?? Can you put it in a glass and tell me it will make me all better?

Fuck no.

So don't you dare fucking call them weak. I call them martyrs. They died for who they were and who they believed in. They would rather die than change who they were. They were uncompromising people in an uncompromising world.

I wish sometimes I was strong enough to tighten the rope. Maybe one day I will be. But if I could teleport to each of the people who have died and try to talk to them I would. I know that any one of them I could have saved.

We had so much in common y'see?
010105
...
peyton and sorry for the double post.. comp does that sometimes. 010105
...
Sintina Don't do it Peyton.

You may not want to now, but if you ever want to again, save this one time that I told you not to for then.

Don't do it GWhiz 13.

(see above)
010106
...
G_wiz13 dont worry sintina i wont at least not now. my girlfriend means to much to me to throw it away by killing myself. 010110
...
G_wiz13 have you ever had this feeling that you could just end all the pain by one simple solution? I have. i think about it alot i could end all the sorrow that life has bestowed on me. but then i realize theres a couple things i have to do befor i can i can do it. there are some people that mean alot to me and i have to tell them how i feel befor i can end my life. at first i think well i can email them, because i dont want to get a bad reaction from them. but then i realize that i have to tell them face to face. and i can never bring my self to say anything to them. Who cares? its not like anything i say to them is going to change anything. maybe i should just end it here now. but i can't. god what should i do? I feel so lost. 010130
...
j_blue whatever

there are ways to get out of thinking suicidal thoughts

exercising is one, its a super mental health panacea

how many athletes are suicidal?

when i exercise regularly is when i am least neurotic

its the easiest method, one i think most people overlook

its weird and sucky that smart people tend to have problems with depression for their entire lives though

but i guess you cant get something for nothing
010130
...
twiggie one thing i hate the most...is when people say suicide is selfish.
when one is having suicidal thoughts, they are in so much pain, they aren't in their right mind...they can't think straight.
The majority of the people who say it's selfish have never been suicidal.
i think it's incredibly disrespectful to not acknowledge how much that person was hurting, and only talk about how selfish they were.
life was unbearable when i reached this point. i got through it, but not everyone can.
010130
...
maxwell thorne Why am I not allowed to talk about this?
Every time I mention it, everyone becomes really quiet, and looks at me as though I may need help.

I'm not being morbid. It's just a topic that should be talked about more often.

I don't see it as the peak of depression, and I don't think that it necessarily is. It simply a decision. It's an easy way out, and everyone has this option. It's one of the few things we all have in common.

At least once in your life, you've thought about it. I know. You were just weighing your options is all.

I guess that's really all I wanted to say.
010204
...
G_wiz13 your right I've noticed that too.
When you start to talk about suicide people become quite and think your some kind of sick basterd. I myself am a sick basterd. I strive to stay away from the norm. I dont want to be like everyone else(its amazing how a high tolerance for physicla[not mental or emotional] pain sets you apart from the norm).another thing that sets me apart from the norm is that all of my teachers think i am a genius so they are always critizing me. they say that i should have an "A" in there class. Its funny I never do the work and i get like a hundred percent on every test.I even sleep in class.
010214
...
florescent light I've never understood why people call people who commit suicide cowards.

If I had the courage, I would kill myself right now, even though I am very happy.

I'm just tired of dealing with the world.
And I consider myself to be a strong person, and I know I can deal with life, and get through it sucessfully. And I am planning on grad school, and I will be graduating in May with honors. And I enjoy it. And I have many other intersts too. I love to write, and I love nature, and I like computers, I love to learn- and I go out every weekend, and I have a good social life. And I've been having fun.
And I strongly feel that life is beautiful. And I am for the most part - Happy.
And I can tell you, I am a very mature person, and I despite the fact that I haven't acomplished all my goals yet,
I know myself
and I know that I am tired of dealing with life.
But I am too much of a coward to kill myself - because I am too afraid of death.
So each day I go on living, some days are better than others - and there are moments when I am soo happy to be alive, and there are moments where I feel like dying. I feel there are more moments of the former, than the later.
But I am tired of wanting, I'm tired of feeling unfulfilled.
I'm tired of dealing with pain - of any sorts.

So, maybe I am a coward - because I'm tired of going head to head with the pain.

Now I ask (and I hope someone can answer)- am I a coward for living, because I'm too scared to die?
Am I a coward for living, because I wish I could die, and am too scared to take the risk?

But if I kill myself, then I am a coward for not living.

I guess either way I am a coward - so it doesn't matter.
010216
...
tourist When they found him in the Gutter,
The pistol by his side.
With no one there around him,
Quite clearly, "Sewer Side".
010216
...
unhinged this always angers me, to tell me if i fulfilled my needs i am a coward. don't we every day live to fulfill our needs? people who commit suicide have a need for the end. it's not want, it's not choice, it's need. the reason more people don't kill themselves is because of our society's views that it is cowardly, that religion tells us that god won't love us if we throw away the life he has given to us. the other needs that society tells us are more important and they take over and more drug addicts and psychotics and co-dependents are born every day. what's the better need: the need to whore yourself out for drugs or the need to put the gun to your temple? is it better to live in the mire or be on the right hand of god? the people who commit suicide are the ones that can jump over the edge without needing to know what's at the bottom. that's not cowardly. 010216
...
Tank thank you unhinged for speaking my thoughts exactly...

i see it about 3 times a week and have for about the last 10 years of my life...

it is usually the same way - the moon, the ocean and aloneness...
010216
...
florescent light Today my friend's friend committed suicide.

We closed the restuarant early.
010304
...
broken Does anyone agree that love is suicide. That life is suicide and that life is selfish, just as selfish as suicide. Does anyone understand how fucked up this world is and can anyone shut these thoughts from my head. I loved you. I loved you so much. My heart breathed for you and now it's in peices. Waking up in hospital and staring at the ceiling. An empty nothingness, burred with tears. I'm selfish I know. Someone kick some shit into me. Waking up without you. Why did I wake up. I'm not good enough for you. "I want to carry you around in a blanket and let no harm come to you." Bollocks to that you dick shit spineless nobody. Don't do that to ayone. You just don't. Grow up. Help me someone. 010312
...
mikey the biggest mistake i think. is when people call it an "Escape". an escape means you get away but are still alive and you made it. Suicide is the end. not an escape. ive had thoughts of it more then a few times. for me its more like driving home with tears in my eyes and just wanting to drive off the road theres cliffs some places i could drive into the ocean. but i will never do it for the simple fact my mom needs me. and so does my little sister. but this is just me none of us know what everyone else is going through.

i can only offer the above thoughts and say i'll sit and talk to anyone anytime if you need it. or if you simply need someone to vent to or just listen.
010312
...
Aimee I've tried a couple of times. I don't regret it. I have my days where I wish I had succeeded... actually nearly everyday I do... People have tried to tell me "it's the most selfish thing you could ever do." like that's ever helped me. I used to be scared of my own funeral.. but I got over that grief... I even got over my families grief. But I'm to the point now where everyone just seems to ignore it... so much the better. 010312
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dafremen When I die, I want to go NATURALLY. Don't get me wrong, I get tired of this "mortal coil" as much as the next guy and f*ck yea there are times when you wish it would all end. I'm in this for the ride though people. It seems like too many folx just can't see what I see. You don't see what part the pain and suffering play in making this life you have (WHOEVER YOU ARE) a perfect paradise, right here, right now.

Ok so you're probably thinking, "Pain and suffering are paradise? What kind of sick freak are you?" Well I'm not a big fan of pain and suffering myself, in fact I've had my share.(See Painful , People , Love [See monkeys too that's funny as hell!])

What I've come to realize is that it's those REALLY bad times that I've had in my life, that have made the mediocre times seem so much better. I wrote a little poem about it and I hope you'll see what I mean.

DID YOU EVER:

Overlook the three-leaf clovers
while searching for one with four?

Forget how good well water can taste
when you haven't had a drink for hours?
How good a glass of soda can taste
after drinking water for months?

Have a better bowl of beans than those
served with an empty stomach?
Have a better piece of steak than one that came
on the heels of a diet of beans?

Curse the sun on a hot day
and bless the rain when it came?
Then find yourself waiting after weeks of rain
for the sun to peek out of the clouds?

Realize that now is what you have, good or bad,
and that the pain and suffering
of human existence is what makes
the small pleasure great
and the minor comforts heavenly?

Perfect paradise is all around you
and you don't have to wait for it,
because it's already waiting for you.
----------------------------------------
Suicide is stupid for this simple reason: The ride ain't over yet kiddo!
010312
...
Mr. Wonderful All i have to say is


Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem.



__
010312
...
dafremen Yea, it appears you and Jon both agree, he posted the same thing back in 1999. Guess it was time someone else said it again.

Great minds run in the same gutter.
010312
...
mikey great minds think alike. is really a sorat illogical saying. it would seem to me great minds would think differently...then be able to find a middle ground and share the knowledge and they would both grow....

hmmmmm always fun lookin at things in a different light..or darkness.
010312
...
mikey sorat = sorta

sorat is a typo

sorat is when your eating an arbys super roast beef sammich and trying to type at the same time.
010312
...
just a punk ...stole you from me...stole you from your other friends...stole you from the world...stole you from God. i ask myself "why" sometimes. "why couldn't i do anything?" "why wouldn't you let someone in?" you were a very special person. you still are. you are not forgotten. i love you just as much as i did when you were here. it tore me apart to accept that i would never see you again...never talk to you again...never hear your soft paced breathing as you thought of something clever to say again. and that smile, that beautiful smile of yours. i'll never see it again. on august 27, 1998 ... an angel lost her wings... an angel forgot how to fly... an angel lost her soul. i love you tori. 010326
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trazlo she walks in again asking why i want to take my brother away from god, why i want to throw my life away, why i want to hurt every one so much, why i am such a little whore. all because i wanted to know what the point of being normal was. nothing more was needed to set her off. as she leaves my bedroom crying for reasons unfathomable to me,

i stare longingly at the razor on my desk and wonder why things are the way they are and why i can't sink the blade deep enough to let myself free.

dad's weekend to own me comes and he goes through his ritual of telling me how fucked up she is.
i defend her, the woman who tells me she wishes i would just leave and let her lead a happy life because i have clothes laying on my floor.
he yells and tells me i'm immature then makes a racist comment to the man in the store. he tells me i'm not responsible and then hands me the pipe- his way of bonding. after we're both stoned he tells me he is dissapointed in me for being spineless and falling into drugs.
he insists that if it weren't for him i'd be fucked over by mom's family. he insists that he is my saving grace.
i see him hit my brother and make excuses.
i see him throw me and give excuses.
i see the rage rise behind his eyes until we acknowledge that he was right in hitting or throwing or that he didn't do it at all, it was jst in our minds.
grandma comes in late one night as i'm doing homework and trys to make me see how my display of confused pain is pushing my mom over the edge. she says she tries to understand why i want so badly to ruin my life but she just can't.
when i ask her what she thinks i'm doing she tells me she's seen my grades.
it's nice to know the quality of my life is based on the grades i recieve in school.
grandpa sits on the outside of the circle, his love based solely on your commitment to going to church.
i am in the middle looking out. my only tie to sanity is my brother. he assures me that i actually am not the evil little thing the family makes me to store all the blame. i assure him the same. together we face them alone.
fear of their anger keeps us from breathing.
anger at our fear keeps us from living.

i stare longingly at the razor on my desk and wonder why things are the way they are and why i can't sink the blade deep enough to let myself free.
010327
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Dafremen Perhaps because we AREN'T to blame. We didn't put a gun to our parent's heads and beg them to be who they are or ask them to demand that we be who they are.

I wish I were there with you right now. Not in some sick, twisted sexual way, but as one human being who knows your confusion and feels the pain right along with you. I would hold you and try to calm your pain and rage and longing for something better, if only for a moment. Perhaps in some strange way to calm my own pain felt so many years ago, yet so fresh in my mind when I read your words.

To me the pain is the key and as "not normal" as I am, the lessons learned from trying to be an individual, the pain of society and "family" kicking their values and screwed up ideas into my head remind me of why I play the part these days. Of why I must "be normal". Of why I should have "gotten the grades" and gone to college. Of why I keep hitting brick walls now because I didn't. Oh it's not fair, there's nothing to argue about there, it's just the way it is, and that sucks.

I am touched deeply by the consequences that you are now paying for decisions you did not make and the injustice of it all. The insensitivity of your parents to two human beings who they brought into this world without any thought of what it means to bring a human being into this world.

I read you words and I am moved for you and your brother.

He needs you. Stick around for him, and soon enough you will come out on the other side. The pain never quite goes away, and the stupidity of "the way things are" never gets any less stupid. You just get used to the stupidity and numb to the pain and you learn to LIVE with it.
010327
...
broken Everyone who has a view on suicide is very brave. I know how hard it is for you. Mikey, whoever you are. You wanted to sit and talk to 'the above' when I last wrote. Thanku. I need people like you when I'm on a dead end. Thanku.xx 010327
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exodus how did i get to where i am now. I feel safe now but death looms over me. i dont know if i'm even serious about suicide. do i realy want to die? and which answer scares me more? i cant sleep anymore. i lay in bed for hours, thinking about how much i dont want tommorow to come. but sleep comes eventually, and when i wake up, i remember where i am and who i am and the state of my life. and thats when it hurts the most. i think that my depression is really just self-pity. i think that if i was a real man i would either move on with my life or end it. but istead i just block it all out. I remove myself from reality. but what will i do when i run out of time? If i could believe that a better life was waiting for me out there than i would have the strength to get through this. but i lost that hope a long time ago. But then there's her. the only one who knows that i hurt like this. she says she loves me, but then, she says that to everyone. but when were together, and i look into her eyes it makes me want to cry because i know she cares about me. and i love her. she's the first person i've ever been able to say that about. i was never that close to my family. maybe thats my fault, or maybe thats just the way they taught me to be. i love her more than anything else in this world and i would give up my life if only to make hers better. But she will never feel that way about me. it would be selfish of me to expect her to. and while it kills me to know that i could die without ever telling her how i really feel, i know the pain that would cause her and i could never do that to her. god, all i want is for her to be happy, even if i have no part of that. i would hold her and protect her forever if she would just let me. should the prospect of a life that i cannot have cause me such pain and drive me to such ends? I would like to say no, but if that were true, who WOULD kill themself? I hate my mind. these thoughts spin through my head and i cant stop them.
IF I LIVE, THAN WHAT WILL I LIVE FOR. AND IF I DIE, THAN WHAT WILL I DIE FOR?

i just cant do this anymore..........

"I was a soul among the souls of limbo, when a lady so blessed and so beutiful--
"I prayed her to order and command my will, called to me...--"
010402
...
florescent light Such thoughts spin, race through my head as well.
I would tell you to hang in there, but how do I know that is the best decision?
I don't know that the option to live is the best one.

But, I do know that chosing to live isn't a infinite commitment. Life doesn't last forever.

So I have chosen to live, even if it means saving the best for last, because death is inevitable, it will come, guaranteed.
010402
...
exodus the uncertainty is what haunts me the most. i dont know what will happen in my future, none of us do. maybe things will turn out better and i can finally be happy. but it seems that the more i learn and the greater my knowledge becomes, the darker my prospects seem to be. to see things clearly might be worse than being blind. it is the uncertainty that weighs on me most heavily.

i wish i could be completely oblivious
010403
...
exodus "suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem."

temporary problem?
FUCK YOU!!

what if my life is the problem?
cause its pretty fucking temporary.

people who know what it feels like to want to kill yourself EVERY DAY never say things like that.
010403
...
notspeakingfromexperience If life's that bad, can't you just fuck it off and go find a new one? 010404
...
Dafremen Not to be cold and callous, but I'm tired of your whining. Suicide? Fuck it, go for it. See you next time around. Adios, hasta la vista. I would suggest ways of quickly dispatching yourself, but I'll leave the details of how you do it to you. If yer not not strong enough to live life and not bitch about it when it's not everything you want, then you don't deserve life. So die. Goodbye. 010404
...
unhinged well, i think you succeeded at being cold and callous.

it's a cycle. all throughout high school i never thought that i could actually do it. a knife...nope...too painful. same with a gun. where would i get the pills? what if someone finds me just in time? and then it happened and i was holding the blade in my right hand and that moment of epiphany that so many of you scream at all of us for that want to kill ourselves happened to me. it was an outside force, nothing to do with me that held my hand and struck absolute terror into my heart. a few months later, i thought that i could never do that, never attempt to do that ever again. and now, months later i feel it creeping back up on me. you are right. i am a whining bitch. i don't have the courage to give myself what i need.

'you can't take away the pain
cause you haven't got the cure
every drop just leaves a stain on you
give me what i'm dieing for...'
frank silver, ivet
010404
...
Dafremen Like I said, if you aren't strong enough to live life. Then take care of it. Here's my suggestion:

Go to a highway overpass. Stand up on the railing, turn around so you are NOT facing the oncoming traffic. Then just pretend you are doing the Nestea plunge into a swimming pool. If yer not that coordinated, do the same thing off of the top of a tall building. Make sure that there's concrete on the ground and make sure that the building is at least 6 stories tall. Don't look down before you do it, just go about 3 feet from the edge and turn around and walk backwards.

This is your final chance to put your money where your mouth is, either shit or get off of the pot.

If however you decide that you can't go through with it...isn't it obvious enough? If you CAN'T bring yourself to end your own life then it's not that you want to die, you just want life to be everything that YOU want it to be instead of what it IS. Too bad..it is what it is, good or bad and THAT's what you got, period. So once again, stop talking the talk if you can't walk the walk. Either DIE now...or start living....and I'll join you in a beer. My life isn't everything I may want it to be, but it's what I got and that's enough.
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010404
...
andronicus Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come . . .
010404
...
dB I'm in total aggreement with Dafreman on this one. I have attempted twice, but that was years ago.
If you try, and you screw it up, like me, you are just a screw up.
If you try and don't do it properly, then you are a fake.
If you do and succeed, well at least SOMETHING would be how you wanted it to be.
Suicide is a done thing. If you decide to try, then get it right, and we'll bury you with dignity. If you decide that you'll try, but you ain't really into it, don't expect symaphy when you fuck it up. Chances are you were doing it to get attention anyway, and that is not how you get attention.
If you would like people to take notice of you, then put your hand up and ask if you can use the pot, AND PERMISSION WILL BE GRANTED! WE A FAIR PEOPLE!
Hang on... That's a Harry Enfield sketch. Damn, where was I?
010404
...
exodus I agree with Dafremen as well. I now i am a weak person. I know that i should just end my life or move on with it. But the fact that i know that doesnt change anything for me. its still my decision. and none of you know how it feels to be me. so dont judge me just yet. 010405
...
dB Tom Petty.

Anyway, we may not know how it feels to be YOU, but some know the kind of situation you are in.
Look, if you really wanted to do it, you would have already, without all this drawing attention to the fact.
In which case, I offer my help. If you aren't willing to do it, well, that's cool. But you are obviously in some distress, and all I can do is offer advise based on personal experience or my small knowledge of psychology and human behaviour.
Click on my name to send me an e-mail if you want. I promise I will not be harsh on you.
If you don't want to, that's cool, but the offer is there and it's cheaper than therapy :-).
010405
...
lost THE END *the curtains close* 010406
...
nocturnal well now, that's not the kind of thing one likes to read on a page entitled suicide. curtains closing can't be a good sign. 010406
...
dB Another lost soul wanders out into the lonely night.
I wouldn't worry Nocturnal. Whatever happens to Lost, the memory of that individual will live on.
And anyway, death is just what happens when the carbon of our bodies becomes inactive.
010407
...
Dafremen The young bisexual's carbon quickly became inactive after he swallowed the spoonful of cyanide soda powders.

In the morning paper, the headlines read:

Bi Carbon Ate of Soda.

(ahhh the pun...the second lowest form of humor, just after suicide)
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010407
...
elana i want to get away. i want ot go. i cant stand all of the gossip and the hurt. i cant stand being without you, why did you dump me? why did you hurt me like that? no body would deserve it. but i guess i did. i want ot show that its al your fault! those popular bitches in my grade, that ex that numbed my heart so that i am afraid to feel anymore. you did it!
but i think- what would make a bigger point? to show that they defeated me? to show that i was the weak one, and that they succeeded?
i think the bigger point is to show that they dont have that power. they cant break me. they cant. i am holding on strong and they are the weak ones.
if you commit suicide, elana, they wouldnt understand why. but you dont, they wont get it either.
but you probobly shouldn't do it anyways, cause this life might get a bit easier. does it make sence? maybe only to me.
010407
...
andronicus I entered my birthday in anydayinhistory.com and at the bottom of the screen read this "thought for the day,"

"Of all the ills that men endure, hope is the only cheap and universal cure. "
010409
...
Teddybear nothing can be better than a swan dive into the asphalt. 010409
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dB Hope is not a cure. It's a symptom. 010409
...
as i'm ready 010409
...
exodus dB, explain. 010409
...
chanaka resume

razors pain you;
rivers are damp;
acids stain you;
and drugs cause cramp.
guns aren't lawful;
nooses give;
gas smells awful;
you might as well live.

dorothy parker...words to remember
010410
...
Dafremen Dorothy was a waitress
On the promenade
She worked the night shift
Dishwater blonde, tall and fine
She got a lot of tips

Well

Early up, I'd been talking stuff
In a violet room
Fightin with a lover's past
I needed someone
With a quicker wit than mine
Dorothy was fast

Well

I ordered
"Yea let me get a fruit cocktail
I'm not too hungry"
Dorothy laughed
She said "That sounds like a real man to me"
"You're kinda cute..wanna take a bath?"

Baaaath I said
"Cool, but I'm leaving my pants on
because I'm kind of going with someone"

She said "Sounds like a real man to me"
"Mind if I turn on...the radio?"

"Ohhhh my favorite song" she said
and it was Joanie singin
Help Me Think I'm Fal..Brrring phone rang
And she said
"Who-ever's calling can't be as cute as you"
Right then and there I knew I was through.

I took another bubble bath
With my pants on
All the fighting stopped
Next time I do it sooner

This is the Ballad of Dorothy Parker.

- The Ballad of Dorothy Parker, Prince

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010411
...
dB Hope is a symptom,

by dB.


Hope is a symptom because if you are not deserate and wanting to kill yourself, you aren't really hoping/wishing that things were better, because things are all good at the moment.
When people are desperate and sad and shit, they wish things were better and they spend all their time hoping for someone to tell them it's all good, or hoping for something to be changed.
Hence, hope is a symptom, not a cure. If it was a cure it would make people not hope, and therefore they wouldn't be wishing and wanting and all that crap.
It's one way of looking at it.
Hope is another flaw in the human character.
010411
...
Lindsey You were there
swinging back and forth.
A pendulum,
a limp doll.
Your name
a sigh on my lips,
my hands
around your ankles,
unable to look
at your face,
at your bulging eyes,
your head falling awkwardly
to one side.
There is nothing glamorous
in hanging.
010421
...
paul not today,there is still about a teenth in the tray. 010429
...
mmm sheena your right about the attention seeking behaviour, suicide should not be a cry for help... that should come before your ready to die 010429
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Dafremen Words of wisdom from elena. At least YOU get it elena, at least you do.
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010430
...
^^^^^^^ oops, make that elana. 010430
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L You might as well keep your existence going, who knows what is after this and it is most likely nothing at all. So fuck it all but stick around and fight back. Don't let the bastards get you down or maybe most of all try not to be your own worst enemy. Maybe it will someday make you strong. 010430
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god from the noose 010430
...
kinkazoid my health teacher tried to teach us all that suicide is selfish because when you kill your self you are just thinking of your self and not everyone that cares about you. if you think that about someone who killed themself then you are the selfish one for not thinking of how much those people could be in pain. its his life and if he wants to end it its his choice and not yours to criticize. i believe everyone has a time and way to go that is set by God, but maybe if they kill themselves that IS their time to go and their way to go. You never know the real truth of anything untill you ask the big man. so wait.

R.I.P dad
010503
...
kinkazoid my health teacher tried to teach us all that suicide is selfish because when you kill your self you are just thinking of your self and not everyone that cares about you. if you think that about someone who killed themself then you are the selfish one for not thinking of how much those people could be in pain. its his life and if he wants to end it its his choice and not yours to criticize. i believe everyone has a time and way to go that is set by God, but maybe if they kill themselves that IS their time to go and their way to go. You never know the real truth of anything untill you ask the big man. so wait.
R.I.P dad
010503
...
kinkazoid i did not mean to put that twice, sorry 010508
...
Casey I remember standing at the top of the Holiday Inn's top story getting ready to jump, but i didn't. I just got off the raining and took the elevator back down.

I still wonder sometimes why i didn't jump
010508
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Dafremen Perhaps you shouldn't wonder so much why you didn't jump as be thankful that you didn't. I mean do you have any idea what it costs to re-blacktop a parking lot these days?
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010509
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el fagtastico You ever notice how life just goes on and on? I keep myself on automatic pilot: my feet walk in the right directions, my mouth says the right words, but I donít remember any of it. Clock says one forty-eight. How are you supposed to spend your last hours alive? I listened to the radio. Switched the dials around, trying to find that song by Filter. That take my picture song. They stopped playing it. But I liked it a lot, a song you could lose yourself in and forget everything else.

Iím sitting at my desk now wired on caffeine and scraping down hard with the pencil, filling up pages of lined notebook paper. Writing letters is the perfect way to kill time. Things you always wanted to say but never could, not when you were going to see them the next day, run into them a year from now in a coffee shop in West Hollywood. Iíll never have to stand in front of you and tell you Iím jealous. You seem so much younger then me sometimes. You never carved up the inside of your arm with a switchblade just cause you had to, reasons you canít explain like if you didnít maybe youíd suffocate from the blood building up inside. Pressure release. I almost hate you for your pure, unscratched skin.
010510
...
dls FUCK YOU ALL FUCK YOU IN YOUR PIOUS

HIGH HORSE MOTHER FUCKING WHITE TOWERS

Selfish? Fuck you, you come here, you pay my rent, you take care of me, you support me, you make it all better, fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Who the hell are you to call it selfish? You aren't in my head, you aren't working yourself for nothing, you aren't seeing everything I've FOUGHT FOR BEGGED FOR CRAWLED MY WAY UP FROM BENEATH A PRESS OF DEAD BODIES FOR go to hell, fuck you all!

Selfish? The fuck it is, if I were a little bit stronger I'd be dead, it's the weakness and the fear that keeps me alive.

you can all fuck yourselves, who do you think you are???
010510
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Dafremen Like I said, some people are just SCREAMING for attention. Duzzums want some understandinnnng?! 010511
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dls fuck you, kemosabe.

walk a mile in my moccasins.

I'd like to be you; full of patronizing knowledge and probably a very happy mother fucker who is financially well off
010511
...
nocturnal sticking her nose in where it dont belon well here we go again. I can see this turning into quite an argument. let's see how fast y'all can bring this to an end. 010511
...
Dafremen I'll end it quickly. I would LOVE to walk a mile in your shoes. So I could show you how to do it with DIGNITY and with your head up and your whine muscle relaxed.

Financially well off? Try came up to the U.S. with my pregnant wife and one child with 10 dollars in my pocket and a suitcase full of my kid's clothes.

I worked my way to my place in life and I got hella lucky on the way too. Even if I hadn't you can bet your ASS I would still be clawing my way up the ladder to get where I wanted to be. Which is making just enough money to support my family of 6.

Here's your clue Chemo-Saab-E:

The world/universe/life doesn't OWE you a gawd damned thing. Shut your mouth, open you ears and your eyes and start making the most of it while you got it.

I'd offer to let you walk a mile in mine, but they have holes clean through the soles and besides, my life and I have an agreement. I don't whine and it always gets better after it's gotten worse.

So iffumz still wants that hug and luv and understanding...
010511
...
hopeless for happiness i sit in my room
tears rolling down my face no one sees me no one knows how i feel
i put on a big fat fake smile for everyone so they can all think i m happy
but what's so happy about this place??
if i was garenteed there was something better out there i'd take my life in a second that's the only thing stopping me.
010512
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Miner Would I? I'm not even sure if I could,
I thought I could once,
but realized it wasn't really what I wanted.
I'm just not sure I could actually go ahead with it,
its such a giant step, and such a waste.
Maybe that is why we are so hollow as people.
We cant even decide to do the most basic things available to us.
010512
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Miner Theme from M.A.S.H.
(Suicide Is Painless)
By the Manic Street Preachers

Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realise and I can see

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
I can take or leave it if I please

That game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll some day lay
So this is all I have to say

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
I can take or leave it if I please

The sword of time will pierce our skin
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
Is it to be or not to be
And I replied oh why ask me

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I...

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
I can take or leave it if I please

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And you can do the same thing if you please
010512
...
the misrible little thing i am the girl from school that everyone thinks is perfect.my parents are rich, i seem happy all the time, but my life is hell i hate it all, the money, the whole life that i live, i dont know it just seems meaningless like i dont appereciate the things that i have. what if i killed myself, my parents would proly go on living their lives and not even think twice, either that or they would quit for a minute and realise how much they make my life hell. yea i think thats the one...i am going to go attempt suicide now.. goodbye cruel world 010516
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fanta standing on the edge of a river and feeling a sense of peace when I think about the water enveloping me and taking away my pain 010520
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fanta Now I'm not planning to kill myself, but I have, at some points in my life, thought about it. I have a few things to say about the "debate" you all have been having here. Let's try and be respectful and mature shall we? That means realizing that different people view things in different ways and that's okay. Basically telling someone they are stupid for thinking about suicide is, well, not going to help anything -- surprise. How about if we limit our postings to thoughts about the topic area without attacking others? If you must write like you do, save it for your personal journal. 010520
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I_wear_longsleeves I have felt that it's time for the last resort and for those that feel it now, you are brave and you know the truth. 010521
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empty heart my girlfriend used to say she enjoyed wearing longsleeves cuz it made her warm. She also had this dimple on her left cheek. Her eyes were like little fires. She used to call me her angel. And I called her my saviour. Because she was. I love her so much and she doesn't want me. I can't live without you. I can't breathe without you. I want to die. 010521
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I_wear_longsleeves Hey, don't talk like that. You sound so sad. I know that there is no greater pain than heartache but don't kill yourself. Please don't talk that way. 010521
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empty heart I can't help it She is so beautiful to me. I just feel like I will never be good enough or anyone. She left me because she couldn't talk to me anymore. But I loved her and I would have talked to her about anything. I would never have hurt her or made her sad. I love her 010521
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I_wear_longsleeves Maybe she still has feelings for you. She would feel so terrible if u killed urself. Can u imagine. Don't do i. Maybe one day things will work out between u 2.Perhaps she was scared to tell u something and then it seemed to her that she couldn't talk to you. She might have been ashamed. x 010521
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empty heart No she wouldn't have because she has nothing to be ashamed of. She is beautiful inside and out. 010521
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I_wear_longsleeves Is that Chris? 010521
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empty heart Who is this? 010521
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I_wear_longsleeves It's me Chris. Call me right now. Love your saviour. xx 010521
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Dafremen Ok so just one multi-part question. Who the hell is fanta? When did she get here? Where the f*ck did she come from and what the f*ck is she trying to say?

I hope, for her sake, that she isn't trying to say:

"don't judge what people blather about let them blather whatever they feel, we're all different after all"

and at the same time trying to say:

"I've judge the blathers that are critical of suicidal people to be useless because they don't help anything and so therefore I don't want you folx to blather criticizing suicidal people anymore."

Make up your mind.

Fanta, if you don't see the HYPOCRISY in the blather you just blathered perhaps there IS a good reason to kill yourself and after many years of development you can proudly say that you ARE that reason.
-
-
010521
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Sol i tried about 3 years ago I guess, i was not in a good way, I tried to overdose on painkillers or something, I ate so many, and then i vomited constantly for about an hour, it looked like toothpaste. my stomach didnt want to die I guess 010603
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Dafremen Stomachs are funny like that. 010603
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unhinged i should do it tonight
before i fall asleep
before i think of you
before i split in two
010603
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CinnamonGirl only the fact so many people wrote here shows how much we're all just a bunch of depressed teens 010604
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yummychuckle hey sol
yeah ditto experience
2 years ago, though.
wait
no, almost 2 years.
010605
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CinnamonGirl didn't mean it to sound shallow I'm aware that not only teens commit suicide, but it's true that teens are depressed for no reason and look at suicide as the perfect solution to every tiny problem just usually don't follow it, I'm like that too and actually killing myself seems far. Many time I just wish I was dead and to just disappear. dafremen said suicide is stupid because the ride aint over yet but after all, life is a rollercoaster ride to death and sometimes people get dizzy from all the turns of the rollercoaster and prefer to end the ride themselves, it lead to the same place anyway-death, they'll only miss a few turns on the way. I'm not saying suicide is a good solution because if we jump off the train too soon some people will get hurt, sometimes that hurt that might follow you-if not their bodies then their souls. ok enough with the stupid metaphores, shortly, sometimes this life IS too hard to bear and there is pain that is permenant so is it worth living when your soul is dead? yes, because you should let pain paint your pretty face-joy sticks shortly then it fades 010606
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Dafremen That blather, my dear, was just so much more of that same drivel. Look we're NOT heading to the same place either way. I'm not sure what you THINK you're doing here, but this IS the destination. The RIDE is the end which requires the means. Getting to death is NOT the GOAL. It's not a finish line for gawd sakes. Death is sort of like being at Six Flags and having your parents come up at the end of the day and say it's time to go home.

I'll say it ONE more time. You are AT the destination. The destination is a ride. The ride is called life. It's ultimate destination is NOT death. Death is what happens after life is over, not life is what happens on your way to death. Life is a joy ride, it's sad, it's happy, it's stupid, it's sensible. It's a f*cking Showtime special and YOU'RE lucky enough to be able to enjoy it in breathtaking surround sound and full projected 3d. Hell you can even make yourself the STAR in your own mind if that's what you choose.

As for the pain and suffering and misery and depression. Haven't you silly people figured it out yet? I keep saying it, but noone's acknowledged yet.

Pain and suffering are here for contrast. They're here to make small pleasure seem that much bigger and to make little comforts seem like MAJOR ones. For instance, take the moment you're sitting outside the principal's office. You're sweating bullets, butterflies in yer stomach, nervous wondering wondering wondering until the waiting almost kills ya.

Then you get in the principal's office and he tells you whatever he has to tell you and then you walk out of his office and WHEW!!!! I mean all you did was walk out a door....but it felt GREAT to walk out that f*ckin door.

Another example I like to use is thirst. Ever been out at like a park or a forest preserve or something and been playing or hiking for a long time til you were SUPER thirsty? I mean REALLY thirsty?! Then you go to get something to drink and they have those water spigots with the little pump handle?

Now that water tastes like sh*t. Anyone can tell you it tastes like sh*t. It's rusty and minerally and just plain tastes like crap. UNTIL you go without water for awhile. Until you get really HOT and thirsty. Basically until you have SUFFERED first. THEN that water tastes GREAT! I mean yea some bottled would taste better, but the well water at the park tasting great?! That's NORMALLY unheard of, but thanks to pain and suffering, even that MINOR little comfort, becomes a big comfort.

The moral of the story is this:

You can be happy no matter what circumstances you are in, no matter what kind of CRAP life throws at you. You can live in paradise right here on Earth if you'll just do a few things. (And NO noone said they were going to be easy, but trust me, they get easier)

1. Stop wanting things to the point that you are miserable simply because you do not have them. It's ok to want stuff, but once your desires start to make you unhappy, let it GO!

2. Whenever bad times come around, remember worse times. Let those REALLY bad times be the backdrop upon which you measure your current situation. It won't seem quite so bad after all, guaranteed. Whenever the absolute WORST times come along, don't look at them as horrible times, just realize that they will be over eventually and when they are, THESE are the bad times that you will use to make OTHER bad times seem not so bad. Remember tedious boring times are GOOD times compared to really bad times.

3. Finally, realize how truly fleeting everything is. Realize that although your life may seem to be dragging on, in the grand scheme of things you've really only got about a cosmic minute or so to get your sh*t together and enjoy this thing while YOU get to take part in it. Then it'll be gone. Time WILL heal everything. That's cliche as hell, I know, but it's also true. There was some lady(do0d?) named fanta that blathered about everyone having a bucket of sh*t(emotional baggage from our past) and that some people choose to dump the bucket on other people's heads, some choose to sit down in their bucket and give up and some choose to plant a rosebush in their sh*t. Now I personally have no idea why ANYONE would keep toting a bucket of sh*t around, rosebush or no. So don't. Put it down, time will make it go away, all you hafta do is not think about it.

That's it. That's why suicide is stupid. It's an attempt to solve a problem that in the end, isn't really a problem at all.

See life isn't the problem that needs fixing, it's our PERCEPTION of life...that's what needs to be fixed.
010606
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CinnamonGirl I'm aware of that daf but sometimes the preception isn't such an easy thing to change.
"so choose a shooting star to believe that for you it can change everything,
your heart will always want to forgive but for you it can't change everything"
ghosts can't run away daf, the only way to run from yourself is to die now I don't plan to anytime soon but I do understand people who do, and you're right that death is what happen after life is over and not life is what happen while you're waiting to die, that's what it's supposed to be but sometimes life, yourself or you preception isn't the way it's supposed to be and there's not much you can do about it. I know how it is to drink after a long time not drinking and all those small moments and appreciate them but it's not enough, it's not what I call life and sometimes those small moments don't mean anything when something really bad happens or when your preception is completely wrong.
010607
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Sol aint nice is it Yummy.? Didnt try that again chuckle.
always wondered what it feels like tho, thats the main reason i think about it, just the experience, but i figure, its gonna come anyway, so i might as well experience all this first.
010607
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Sol death that is not suicide 010607
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Dafremen Run away from yourself? You speak as if you are a static entity and that "yourself" is some sort of constant.

Your already limited experience(Hey neither one of us is in our 80s yet!)
should have led you to the conclusion that you are NOT the same YOU today as you were a year ago. It is inevitable that you will change and be someone other than who you were yesterday no? So who exactly ARE you running away from? Why run? Time's going to replace that person you would run from anyhow, so why not STROLL instead and let time and further experience do the rest?

Perspective is the EASIEST thing in the world to change once you know how, and life is the EASIEST thing to enjoy, again, once you know how.

Ever watch a movie where one of the characters was just so stupid, or mean or insensitive that they pissed you off?

Ever watch one where one of the characters or scenes or situations made you so sad that you cried?

Ever kill yourself after watching one of those movies? Why not? You were angry...you were depressed...what's the difference?

Is it because it's not real? Is it because it isn't YOU? Well then THERE it is isn't it?

Why are some of you folx intent on making THIS situation, YOUR situation, more "REAL" than it has to be?

Changing your perspective and enjoying life are the easiest things in the world to do...once you know how.

Thanks for coming...enjoy the show.
010607
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CinnamonGirl death is not suicide but suicide IS death 010608
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CinnamonGirl so tell me wise you, how can I change my preception? how can I change myself? oh yeah I've changed through the years but the person who is me and who is inside of me stuck too deep have always been the same as much as I try to change 010608
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dB Ok, I will be frank here. I've always been totally honest on blather it's the only means I have to do that. I have been thinking about doing it for a few months now. Hell it wouldn't even be the first time I've tried.
Look, Daffy, if you are not happy with what's going wrong, and there is no other concievable way to change things, you've done your homework, you've asked several independant minds for their opinion, you've delt with every other option. Nothing turns up trumps, so what do you do? I'm not exactly gonna do anything yet, because, as you would say, I have my whole life in front of me. But I've SEEN what lies beyond tomorrow. And the next day. and the next.
So who cares if this is the bed I've made for myself. I don't have to sleep in it if it smells like shit and the sheets are creased.
It's a freedom of choice, right? Isn't that what democracy and capitalism is all about? Those who make good shall florish and the shit can lie in the gutter. Those whos hearts belong to something diffrent from the almighty dollar can go jump. So why should we not? it''s not like there is anything else to keep us going.
010608
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Dafremen The first step is to get over yourself. We all tend to take our priorities, feelings, concerns and desires entirely too seriously. We tend to put too much emphasis on the ME part of life. Life's going on all around you kid, stop fixating on YOU and YOUR troubles. All of the stuff that seems so important today is gone tomorrow. Was it really worth sweating the little sh*t?

YOU have to change your perspective. I can't tell you WHAT will finally motivate you to do so. Until you are motivated to do so, you'll continue to talk about how HARD it is to do. How difficult it is to change. How hard it is to start looking at life as an entertainment instead of a torture. Hey, that's your call. I've told you where the water is, whether you drink or not is on YOU.

Next time you want to cry, try laughing instead.
010608
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ignoramus you don't need to change yourself - just your perception of yourself and the world around you. and you don't even need to do that. be yourself. and, be selfish about it. no one has to live with you but yourself.

as far as changing your perception. that comes with experiencing life and gettin' older. it's difficult to take a step back and look at the larger picture. i think you already have. you're doing it now. this place has many faceless, varied entities running through it with as many varied perceptions of life.

and, there's nothing wrong with suicide - death works for some people. the ultimate in relaxation.

if i wasn't laughing, i'd be crying.
010608
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dB A permanent solution to a temporary problem - that is what the wise and good people state to help. The way they make suicide look like a decision based on cowardice is remarkable, when in the end it is a clear statement of one's strength - at least mine. I cannot speak for all those others.

For all those others that take sleeping pills to attract attention.

For those that wait on the roof of a skyscraper until someone notices them to call the cops.

I can only speak for myself, and my decision is not based on weakness but on absolute power. Hamlet said it, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Camus and Sartre considered the question.

It is not based on weakness but on a free will, the liberty to contemplate the unthinkable. It is a question only the strongest can face.

They say it is easy to escape life but hard to go on with it. What fools. How many people can hold a gun to their head and pull the trigger?

How many can cut a knife into their arms to pierce arteries and veins?

How many can make the little step off a skyscraper?

How many can swallow the cyanide pill?

Small movements, a jerk of an index finger, a cut, a step, a swallow.

How many think they can do that but have to face their weakness on the doorsteps of a mysterious, scaring new existence?

How many have the mental strength to deal with such a decision?

How many can question their lives?

How many can face the fact that all they have done is useless and that there is no use apart from procreation -and what kind of a goal is that? Fucking, as the meaning of life. A goal for rabbits, for sheep, not for humans. And yet it is good enough for most.
To wait, to wait for something to come, to save them, something that does not exist, something that does not come. And so they keep on giving birth while standing on their graves, waiting like sheep.

How many can ask those questions?

How many can draw the consequences?

Those mentioned philosophers did not. None of them did agree to it in the end. None of them. Because suicide is wrong? Because as Nietzsche stated, the philosopher has to live his thoughts and hence set an example in dying. None of them were strong enough to do that. Whimps. Intellectual wankers, smart asses, suckers. Unworthy to have been read by me.

It is easy to live, to go on with it, to stand the treatmill. All you have to do is switch off your brains, not think, do what you are told and expected to and you will get old. There is nothing easier than living. Man is built to endure pain. He can easily bear the whips and scorns of time as long as he doesn't question them, and as long as he is not confident enough to wonder whether it is worth suffering. All it takes is to stick to the routine. There is nothing simpler than that.

Yeah, sure they will find reasons when they dig in my past. They will say:

He could not stand the pressure his profession had put on him, he had always suffered from depression, he was suffering from a broken heart when his girlfriend left him. He could not stand loneliness, unrequited love of all sorts. He was too sensitive.

Those would be their words.

Bullshit.

And they will be feigning sympathy and compassion, they will look at the art, the literature and state how great it was, what a loss it is, what a great future lay ahead of him.

The sympathy of the deaf, dumb and blind, the braindead, the sympathy of the hens in the battery.

This is not the reason.
Sure, I am bleeding all over the place, sure I am suffering from pressure, sure I have always been depressed, sure all of this is true. But it is not the reason. I am not doing this out of pain. This is a decision based on positivity. Lust for life. But not that stale and dull life. Real life, genuine emotions.

To shake off this mortal coil,
To step up to the Gods and to spit in their faces,
To make the final decision, the only one that cannot be undone.
Knowing that it might be a terrible mistake, a Faustian mistake, a bargain with the devil.
A voluntary step into something unknown.
Emptyness?
Heaven?
Hell?

Suicide is not based on weakness, it is based on absolute power - at least in my case.

Imagine:

To stand on top of the highest cliff.
To feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements.
The only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.
The beauty of the abyss.
The anticipation, like anticipating the greatest sex, an existential foreplay.
Looking down into oblivion and voidness.
The ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away.
Standing there.
Feeling eternity in a restricted world.
Feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.

To draw the final breath,
To make that little step,
To know, that for once a decision was made,
To feel one foot above the abyss,
To think for a split second you can float in the air like the cartoon characters on TV,
To feel losing balance,
To fall,
To gain speed,
To have the air tear at your hair and clothes,
To feel the cold wind violently caress you,
To see the ground coming closer,
To scream in orgiastic excitement,
To know what you have done,
To know that you have done something for once.

Maybe even: To doubt,
To regret,
To wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.
Mercilessly
To fly into annihilation,
To see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than 10 years of most other people,
Than the whole life of most other people. More true, essential, focused, divine. Purer. 70 years forced into seconds. Refined into pure knowledge and truth.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.

A worthy payment for endless agony

No more endless, unbearable pain.
No more routine.
No more repetition.
No more

-- Peace.

To sleep, perchance to dream.

To give in to the tiredness.

To fall asleep.

To find solace.

No more agony.

To end.

The end.




*This was a short thing on a web site I found. The author is unkown. Suspected to be dead. I wish him luck on the ohter side. Him, and those like him, they know. Those who survive, do not know, so don't pretend you do. Do not try to sympathise.

And Those children that you step on
As they try to change their world
Are immune to your consultations
They know perfectly well what they are going through*






*Much Peace*
010608
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Dafremen As for you Db, I can only say this:

There will come a time in your life, not too far off, maybe 10 years, when the days will stop dragging on. Instead they will seem to fly by faster than you'll be able to file their memory away in your mind. As those days slip by and you find yourself frantically grabbing moments by the fistful, trying to stuff them back into your life to no avail, as you watch each blur into the next I want you to stop and look back on this blather. On these long tedious days that you thought you KNEW would last forever, and I want you to shake your head and maybe smile at the you that you are now, but won't be then.

Know what I think you young folx dislike about the future so much?

I think you don't like the fact that everytime tomorrow comes around you find out that you DON'T know as much as you thought you did yesterday.

Well that isn't going to change. Plan on being wrong about certain things for a few more years, plan on being wrong about SOMETHING for the rest of your life.

It's part of the human condition, embrace it.
010608
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the dark of ether the more people i talk to,
the more news i read and watch,
makes me fantasize about it,
even more.

narrow minded, cruel,
sick and sad our society is.

i heard that i'll go to hell
if i partake - if i indulge in death.
the televangelist says i'm going anyway,
it's okay though,
my friend, she has short hair and that means she's going too... according to him.

we can be bisexual in hell, together.
I'd suffer more as a slave to god
than a man with free thought, in hell.

he says god wants to help me.
god should have helped me along tome ago.
i think i'm set in my ways,
the ways that i've developed due to this evil world, that god, let be.
it's craziness,
i want to die.
010612
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kari i started to cry when i herd them say "good-bye"
i dont know why but the thought ran through my head will it be better if i am dead? i sit here thinking what i just said..........................
"good-bye"
i said this to my friends today. they said no and i said i had to go.
i told them that i loved them and i would never forget them. they said they loved me to and they hated to hear me say that i was going to go. i sit here reading what every one has wrote, i wounder why they want to die. i still hear the words echoing in my head the words i said
"GOOD-BYE I AM GOING TO DIE"

i can hear my mom scream she is yelling call 911. i can see she is crying and she is in shock. when the ambulance gets to the house they tell her its too late i am already gone. she sits and thinks what went wrong? why didnt she talk to me and what could i have done to prevent it. i say to her when she finally goes to sleep;it was me who went wrong it was me who could have asked for help and i didnt, i tell her that it was me who never wanted to talk. and i tell her one last time i love you and i say,
"GOOD-BYE" i say to her i am sorry but i had to die.
i am at the funeral and i am seeing everyone cry they are all thinking why did she have to die. i dont belive how many people came to my funeral. i didnt realize how many people actually cared about me. i am thinking to myself why didnt i realize all these people cared for me before i did this. i am starting to regret this then i remember why i said "good-bye"
i said "good-bye" because i am not going to say hi my name is kari and i am a drunk who cant keep friends, who is someone who dont give a shit about anyone or anything anymore. at aa meetings 4 times a week
i am now going to go get the gun so i shall say "good-bye" it is time for me to die.
010620
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black-dyed gel product On the day that I graduated high school, an old friend of mine asked me if I would attend her funeral when she turns thirty. I told her that I would be honored. 010620
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Dafremen Very very good! My my my aren't we evolving now...you've gone from being
whiney, self-absorbed, melodramatic twits to...er...hmmm...uh....

Well sh*t evolution takes centuries if not millenia, what did I expect?
010621
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black-dyed gel product I not just stupid, whiney, irrational, nonsensical comments. On a rare occasion I have a cognizant thought. Wheaties - breakfast of champions. 010621
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cali j i wanted too...wrote the letters wanted to do it quietly noone knew i cried felt sorry for myself all of the miserableness the pain wanted out instead i had a fight with myself i said what the hell are you thinking yah life sucks right now so shit happens you'll get over it just live with it LIVE its not fair to those you love do you want them to feel the very thing you are trying to escape so i sucked it up and well what da ya know damn the sun does rise and set again and eventually it starts to become beautiful 010622
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florescent light why can't I just be normal? 010626
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Dafremen You can florescent...the question is..WHY would you want to be normal?

You're so much better than that.

(Course then again I want to be stupid, so I guess I shouldn't talk.)
010626
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Aimee My college told me they'll give me life insurance, but they'll cancel it if I ever commit suicide... good thing to.. I doubt I'll need it then. 010719
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Skalar I tried it once. it didn't work. Now i'm glad it's something i failed at. Life truly is a gift that we're meant to enjoy, rather than a burden we suffer. Failing at suicide taught me that much. 010803
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TalviFatin Ya know...I could kill myself so easily. Luckily I chose not to ingest too much pennyroyal. 010803
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Weed Eater Yes yes, everyone considers suicide at least once in their life, everyone! But get over it! I don't mean to sound insensitive, but suicide is completely selfish, there is NOTHING that is so bad you can't handle it. Suicide IS weak because people who do it "can't take anymore." So they end it. No more pain and suffering. No more coping with stress. What a cop out. It takes a STRONG person to say, "I will get through this, no matter what...I will survive!..YEAH!"
I think the grand_scheme_of_things sets us up to encounter self-terminating thoughts at unknown intervals, as a test. There is always a way to avoid temptation, there is ALWAYS an out provided. So you've made a mistake that will "ruin your whole life"...So what, that's how champions are made. You think the richest men in the world never made life altering errors. Do you think the most generous people didn't survive a lifetime of abuse? Think again.

If you are seriously thinking about killing yourself, may I suggest these two steps...that's it, just two things!

# 1. Try again...whatever it is that is not working, try to make it work again.
# 2. If it still doesn't work, make a few minor, necessary changes and go back to step #1.
010804
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Norm There's a basic human instinct that is self preservation.

I dont understand suicide.
other than that theres nothing I can say that won't get someone killed.

It's to complicated. Surpress your emotions and drink up...
010828
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yah I'm already dead. I've already killed myself. 010828
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Inanna A friend of mine was married, and her brother commited suicide that same day. 010828
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amy so what? 010829
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Hebrew Conquistador You commit suicide = you're an idiot.

I have no sympathy for idiots.

So go ahead and do it, and I'll be one car length up in traffic tomorrow.
010830
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TalviFatin I swear to god I'll do it. 010830
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god suicide_chump 010830
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lexxa i am obessed with it...
i can't live with out thinking about it...
010907
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distorted tendencies john tried to kill himself the other day, that's why he wasn't at school. because he was dead cold passed out in his bathroom floor and then sent to the hospital. that asshole. his mind is clouded and he doesn't see the truth of things. 010907
...
Norm me and my buddys hear about this party for another school on the other end of the city on icq. so anyways we ask around about the party like whos having it and everything so we got our facts straight when we head out there. we pick up this guy that goes to that school, you know, for good measure. we get there and theres a bunch of guys sitting in a car in the drive way and there like "you won't get in man". we give it our best shot anyways. we go up to the door and this huge guy is like "who are you guys? do you know who lives here?" so we say the guys name and hes like " ya he lives here but its not he's party and hes not here. its his sisters party" luckly the good measure comes in handy and this chick is like "no let them in that guys in my chemistry class." we get in and theres people all over the place even the chicks mom was there in the kitchen and she was doing dishes or something. well theres a beer tub downstairs and a fund for the low on brew. I thought I could get some but I was gaurded by some huge guys anyways. I got upstairs and theres dick all places to sit. then all the sudden some guy runs out of the hallway yelling "some chick just slit her wrists in the bathroom!" every seat in the room clears. a couple of my pals go to check it out and I just take advantage of the empty seats. I only got to sit down for a while though the chicks mom came out like 20 min later, there was only a few people left and me, my buddies and 2 chicks were the only ones upstairs, and says "what the fuck are you kids still doing here? a girl tried to kill herself thats usually a party killer. get the fuck out of here!" so where like "Its cool weve finished our beer now anyways

she got really pissed

turns out I know the girl who slit her wrist's best friend and she told me the chicks sister died in an avalanche last year
010908
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Norm Go for it!
Just don't shoot up my school dick head
010909
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Robbie the chaotic poet pain goes away, but blossoms elsewhere. Greed in death. Ending unnatural.... traumatic... painful... death do us part 010910
...
something in the way please don't tell me that i am selfish. do you think that helps? that it changes my mind? telling me that i am selfish only makes me hate myself more, makes me feel even more that everyone would be better off if i was gone. true,part of why i want to leave is that i cannot live with this pain anymore. but i truly believe that the world would be better without me. i can't think of anyone who would be devestated by my absence. i am unimportant and therefore could have very little of an effect on anyone. i would be doing everyone a favor. favors aren't selfish. they would no longer have to live with me and my problems, my troubled head. i would no longer be wasting their time. and who ever came up with that phrase, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"? how clever and original. those fucks! whoever said this could not possibly understand that some problems are permanent. they clearly do not know anyone who has had psychological problems. how disgusting for someone to make a