exhausted Q Watching the eclipse, and all the stars it revealed here and there, last night in the cold, crisp, clear air, with that tea and spiritual company and all the rest, and the grand follow up with back and forth today, were thoroughly exhilirating. Now, somewhat like after an eureka experience, my imagination and bag of bones seem to be exhausted. Please forgive me if I sign off earlier than I want to tonight. I do believe deeply in sharing the driver's seat, especially with the extraordinarily wise and excellent driver you are. Thank you for driving some of the time. Thank for the past times, the past month and the past day. 000121 ... Becky Over the past few days.. I've slept for 3 hours. I can't eat.. I'll get sick.. I can barely drink.. I can't sleep because all I do is cry.. My wits are exhausted.. I can barely think straight. I'm on overload and about to breakdown. I wish you could help me.. but you can't help me anymore.. I'm too worried about you to worry about me. 010916 ... sotto voce exhausted being exhausted takes on a new meaning when you're discovering night after night that you can still function for just one more hour than last night even if all you've had each day were three powerbars, some soup and two bottles of gatorade. exhausted is an end state after all and i'm still going... i'll sleep, i'll sleep, just a few more minutes.. 020309 ... oak barrel emotionally and physically. I feel so sick. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of being left whenever a certain person calls. maybe it's time to talk to her about it. 021105 ... little wishes ive always wanted to shag till we were exausted and then to keep going. 021122 ... Rhin exhausted? that's beside the point. i'm working 81 a week (for almost 3 years now) and going strong! well, semi-strong. chance of me cracking? a mere 70%! well, 70-80%. at least i have an obscenely sized lump of mad money in the bank. oh, and i just bought a West Indies Armoire to house my electronics. it's deliciously exotic. God, i love it. i'm too tired to drool over it though. the point is that i earned it, it looks kick-ass in my living room, and when i finally pass out and die from sheer exhaustion, they can bury me in the damn thing! no really, i feel good. i feel fine, i feel great, i feel wonderful. i feel fine, i feel great, i feel wonderful... 021122 ... Freak The demons kept me awake in my sleep and I woke up exhausted. 021211 ... no reason yeah...but still have lots of studying to go. 8:30 a.m. exam tomorrow...can't wait. 021211 ... niska what do you do, when all you want is to go find your own path, but you're in a situation where you can't go? 031103 ... Tired Tell me about it, this is quite surreal. I'm exhausted, work was grueling and yet I hit the gym anyways, I thought that would take it out of me but here am I 2 hours have gone by tossing and turning in bed. What else can I do? I get up and search the web and lo and behold, I've found YOU! 031110 ... birdmad like the toxic exhalations of machinery given shape to move sitting here kind of grey like_a_cloud 031111 ... sylphide so_tired_i_can't_sleep 031120 ... blown cherry There's a whole fucking lot of pain going round right now, and I've not had nearly enough sleep to be able to deal with it. goes to show that big girls do cry 050325 ... Syrope there's something about me that's too tired too tired for age 21 too tired for almost done and ...well it'd be different if it were something easily curable, like by sleep or rest or relaxing. but i don't know that i'll ever get over this 050406 ... tricou i've no more tears, not even with all the slow swallows of hot liquor, but i still can't stop crying. 081001 ... unhinged sleep coffee vitamins exercise none of it takes the edge of my breaking heart 081001 ... unhinged *off damn, but that's a lame typo 081001 ... unhinged he told me how great portland was, how i need to go. i don't have the energy to tell him yet again that i cannot afford to take weekend trips now because of my shitty job. he told me all about the girlfriends two boys i've kissed have now. how perfectly couply they are. earlier this week, i texted him and for the first time he didn't reply. he must also have a new girlfriend. part of me is actually kinda happy for him. left to my imagination, i hope she is more what he needs, wants. but of course part of me is resentful and jealous. i don't want to think about him giving roses to someone else. and part of me also hopes the (suspected) new girl doesn't hurt and abuse him the way all the others before me did. part of me fears i let the only man in my life that i could have forever with go. i let him go because it was too much work. lazy. like he said, i'm lazy. fantasy daydreamer thinking reality should match up to the universe inside my head. when does that ever happen? he knows a cute single boy in portland from milwaukee (one of the numerous transplants from the neighborhood we used to hang out in) he grows weed and does yoga. my mind already spun out a little fantasy. being the farmer's girl. helping with the plants. tending the animals (maybe a pitbull). yoga sex. cooking organic vegetarian food, have it on the table when he gets home. today i woke up, the alarm went off. another day of work. i have so much to do at home today. my heart hurts so bad i don't want to do any of it. just curl up in my bed and blathe away until something meaningful falls in my lap. i think he was right. i am lazy. 121201 ... unhinged i wake up i go to work i come home alone reduce reuse recycle 141213 ... past i slept too much last night and not enough in the days before. i have a do or die exam next week and looking at my notes and pages makes me want to collapse back into my slumber. the strange humidity of this lake town clashes with my body's expected continental dryness. i want to go home and i want to fly into the stars, i just don't really want to be here, alone, tired. 141214 ... unhinged i don't want to be here, alone and tired, either. i work seven days a week to keep my credit score. i wake up, go to work, come home every single day in part to pay loans i cosigned for my brother to go to culinary school that he has refused to take responsibility for. every time i bring it up i am a bitch. i shouldn't be angry that he owes me thousands of dollars and there are over $15,000 left on the loans which will take over five years to pay off at current minimums when he has spent i don't know how much money on tattoos in the past four years. i am the bitch for being on the verge of a nervous breakdown because i do not have the time to take care of my mental health because the seventh day i work every single week at my shitty low paying job is to pay bills i know he will not be responsible for and he has the balls to tell me i shouldn't go out if i don't have money. right. i don't have a significant other to come home to. alone. but i should continue to wake up, go to work, and come home alone. i am on the verge of giving up my dreams for financial security. i am done trying to have any kind of relationship with my brother. my heart is empty. exhausted. nothing left and good thing i have no one to give it to. 141214 what's it to you? who go blather from