inter-locked forever and never quite seeing eye to eye.
andrea i never knew i even had one until this past september. hadn't seen or heard from my dad in eleven years and then he showed up with a picture of a little boy who looks so much like me. one of these days, i'll meet him. i already love him. i just hope that he feels the same way about me...all seven years of him. 991222
grasshopper i have two older brothers. one i don't know. the other is wild. i love them both. have you seen either of them? they're both far away. 000430
unhinged i love my little brother. he is everything i wish i could have been at his age. he called me today at 1pm and woke me up and i was pissed at first but we ended up talking for an hour and a half. he is so wise beyond his 15 years. he is known as the "weirdo" in his group of friends because he listens to music that no one his age likes and has his own style of doing everything that almost seems unprecedented to me at someone his age and he just doesn't care. he hates "sell-out bitches" as he puts it cause at times he gets slightly ghetto being the lacrosse playing jock that he is. he realized that no one is truly an individual years before i did. but i think maybe that he is truly an individual or as close as any human being can be to that. my little brother was the only person that was there for me when i was so depressed i could have killed myself. we will always be connected together forever in love and comedy. i didn't mind talking to my little brother for an hour and a half even though he disturbed my marathon sleep because we know each other psychicly or something "you two are the kind of people that always crash into each other...cosmic. don't will see her again." saying that right as i was thinking it. he is going to be such a smart boy. a wonderful husband and father. i love him greatly even though he pisses me off when he won't get out of my bed. 001203
Barrett Frozen in the place I hide
Not afraid to paint my sky
Some say I've lost my mind
Brother try and hope to find...

You were always so far away
Iknow that pain
so don't you run away like you used to do

Roses in a vase of white
bloodied by the thorns beside
The leaves are falling
cause my hands is
pulling them hard as I can

you were always so far away
I know that pain
I won't run away
like I used to do

Pictures in a box I hone
yellowing and green with mold
So I can barely see your face
wonder how that color tastes

you were always so far away
I know the way
so don't you run away
like you used to do

(j. cantrell)
^^ he's my brother. no matter what he does or what i do he'll always be my brother. and i love him. that's a promise. 010510
.sunshine. i don't have many friends. none of them are true and none of them treat me quite right.
except for my brother.
i will be sad when he goes away. oh, i will be truly alone.
((and isn't he lucky to have the kind of sister who wouold wash his car for him?))
nocturnal will you be my sister and wash my car? that way you can have a brother and a sister. balance is always my car hasn't been washed in about a year. it's really getting bad. 010511
elisabeth becuase of you i have stayed strong, because of you i am still alive, becuase of your love. i am here today to see you graduate. Becuase you told me to keep faith you told me to hang in when everythign was down that i am here to smile at your graduation. thank you. you and your friends saved my life. i love all of you 010614
Casey He's six years old and currently sleeping on my lap. 010614
yummychuckle isaac has been really nice to me recently.
he seems okay but...
i keep thinking he's contemplating suicide.
maybe because my mind just wants another imaginary problem.
In any case I hope he doesn't die like he did in my dream last night.
sykoze interstellar messages rampant in the bathroom,
free coffe stains in the smelly grass, redolent of so much bourgeois sportage equippage,
hostage situation in the office,
screaming stop loser not my gi joe
nothing alone
GOD brothers suck
elisabeth Brother, why have you always watched out for me, why have you ben so nice to e this year, why can't i let you go to collage, why did i cry for an hour after you left today, for two weeks to Europe. i guess you can say that I am just afraid to loose you. I am afraid that the plane will go down. Brother i love you know that. and i am sorry i never told you before you left. Brother how will i ever let you go for collage. how will i let that piece of me go. the piece that hold you in my heart forever. The piece that says and guy friends that i have have to be as good as you. Why. Why did you make such an impact on my life. why do i have such a big heart. 010720
distorted tendencies i wish i had an older brother 010825
florescent light you open your window blinds every morning
and close them at night
too lazy to be bothered with such obstructions,
I removed mine

you brother dear with your detail orientated
religion abiding nook and cranny mama's boy 'tude
makes me red in the face
makes the hair on my arms prickle up up till I'm impatiently waiting impatiently waiting impatiently waiting impatiently
for you to close all the blinds
sphinxradio my surrogate brothers mean the world to me. 011111
ClairE Maybe someday he will be the only thing I really have.

Right now he's eleven. 'Nuff said.
eklektic i'm going to ask him to be my brother in the same fashion one would ask someone to marry them or to be their boyfriend. and so what if we're two different races - i'll tell everyone we're adopted. 020806
alterbeana now that's a lapdance 021119
Jeca we used to think we were telepathic to each other my big little brother... when you had had a bad day... AMAZING!... i had had one too. i'd say you were my best friend in the world but you hate to hear me say anything remotely mushy so i give you a good arm-punch instead. you are as mushy as the mashed potatoes that come out of the box with your new girlfriend, though. HMPH. i've been demoted. where's my boyfriend? 021119
Rhin tommy has always been my protector. many times during childhood, he took the brunt of my father's violent nature to protect me. tommy lives nowhere and everywhere...exact whereabouts known only to a select few, including me. let me put it this way, if you were my brother, the last place you would want to get caught is in southern indiana or northern kentucky. he mostly stays on the road anyway. he's a muscular, long-haired (usally braided), tattoo bearing, scar bearing harley rider. he rides with a closeknit crew of approximately 10. they live for the next adventure. there are times when he will disappear for years at a time, then just like that, he's back. i have postcards from almost every state he has ever ridden through. he never signs them however. he just covers the entire back of the card with a sketch...usually of a beautiful landscape (sometimes naked women) he has seen on his travels. he's an amazing artist. tommy has spent some of his life incarcerated. i hate saying this, but i feel comforted when he's in jail or prison, because then at least i know that he is some-what safe. he looks slightly older than his years, but he's still a good-looking guy and always has an 'ol lady' stashed somewhere. i have always supported my brother, and in fact my mother and i keep a lawyer on retainer...just in case. i don't support his illegal activities, but he's my brother. his infractions are usually minor penalties. his incarceration is usually a direct result of repeat offending or just skipping town...except when he was chased through 3 counties on his bike, by 3 state troopers, but that's another story all-together. almost every trooper in southern indiana knows him by sight. if they see him, they chase regardless of what he's doing just because they figure he's probably up to something. my brother has an enormous heart though. he and his guys have organized 'bears on bikes' (toy drive) for needy children in countless cities every christmas. :) i constantly worry about him, and he's a pain in the a*s, but i love him. 021120
no reason O' Brother

an ode to brothers
pipedream i've got one sixteen year old,royal pain mass of maledom living in my house. he steals my gel, half of my music tapes are in his room, he changes the ringtone on my cell to 'Eye of the Tiger' every time he uses it and he can fake-burp like a champion, thunder-challenger.

i hate him with a passaion and i love him like mad. i can't imagine life without him and his funny stupid jokes and the hands and feet he's growing into that he flings around with gay abandon, his penchant for hugs, his infectious bubbling laughter and the way he gallops down the stairs and how him, my sister and me giggle together about private jokes noone would ever find funny but us.

siblings. can't live with 'em, can't live without them. wouldn't want it any other way.
am i falling into cliche?
ShnizelCheese Oh Brother....

I wonder where you may be.... how long its been.... Time flies but one day i will finally reach my destiny and we will be together again, maybe then we will be close. like we never were... not enough anywa.

I love you.
jenna mine is dead 030419
niska brothers 030420
me "a man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." 030624
pobodys nerfect I don't get along with mine. I severely dislike him. I think I say about 30 words to him a year...less if I can help it. He's a spoiled,selfish asshole,and anytime my mother is pissed off at him for some stupid thing he does,I become her verbal punching bag. A few years ago,she was on this kick to try and get me to speak to him. It was a waste of time.

One time in a drunken rage,he literally tried to strangle me. Another time,he would've beaten the crap out of me if my sister hadn't been around to pull him away. Christ,I had furniture in front of the door and he was STILL trying to get in to my bedroom to beat me up. :( The reason for his anger? I was supposed to take a message when one of his(drug)friends called and get the phone number for where they would be later on, so he could meet up with them,but they hung up quickly before I could ask for it.
He never apologised to me for either time he tried to hurt me.

Not too long ago,he was in a car accident. After I found out(but before I knew if he was okay)I felt nothing. Not even a little bit of worry. There was just nothing there to
a blank piece of paper...
god where art thou? 030714
Dafremen Right here bro-lord! Yee haw! 030714
me For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted an older brother. When I was little, I used to pretend that people on TV or cartoon characters were my surrogate big brothers and would hang out with me and play with me and protect me. When I got older, the desire didn't recede. If anything, it got stronger, for then I was beginning to date boys and longed for someone to give them a hard time when they came to the door, threatening their physical well being the way big brothers do on TV. Finally, a couple of years ago, I decided that the pain of wanting and not getting was no longer worth it, forcing myself to come to terms with the fact that I would never have it, and to just forget about it. But denial just makes the feelings come out in other ways, and looking back I can see that the types of romantic relationships I chose were merely substitutes for the relationship I really wanted (which explains why sex was always so weird for me). So now I've decided that, come what may, I need to fulfill this deep longing for a surrogate older brother before I get involved in any more ill-advised romances. The only problem now is finding him. 030910
Catherine Earnshaw For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted an older brother. When I was little, I used to pretend that people on TV or cartoon characters were my surrogate big brothers and would hang out with me and play with me and protect me. When I got older, the desire didn't recede. If anything, it got stronger, for then I was beginning to date boys and longed for someone to give them a hard time when they came to the door, threatening their physical well being the way big brothers do on TV. Finally, a couple of years ago, I decided that the pain of wanting and not getting was no longer worth it, forcing myself to come to terms with the fact that I would never have it, and to just forget about it. But denial just makes the feelings come out in other ways, and looking back I can see that the types of romantic relationships I chose were merely substitutes for the relationship I really wanted (which explains why sex was always so weird for me). So now I've decided that, come what may, I need to fulfill this deep longing for a surrogate older brother before I get involved in any more ill-advised romances. The only problem now is finding him. 030910
Catherine Earnshaw Didn't mean to post it twice, just trying to change my name. Apparently "me" is someone else. My apologies. 030910
shivers i love my little brother
ike, sometimes i just wonder if ur ok...
take care
Catherine Earnshaw If my older brother was not killed before he was born, then I would have someone else here to talk to about how insane and irrational my dad is and what do you think's gonna happen with Mom's cancer? and i wouldn't feel so alone. 031004
oldephebe words really touched me..are there like any venues you could frequent that are non-gender or not frieighted with the expectation of some kind of facile mating mimed choreography? That was really an awkward sentence. Okay so maybe there are like places you could go and mett folks who share your interest..somewhere that kind of cultivates platonic kind of unions..familial..I have four sisters..but I've encountered on many ocassion women who seem to strike some indefinable sympathetic, kindred..familial chord..usually at church or cultural events..the non-poseur pretentious kind though..I hope you find your surrogate brother though..your words really got to me..and I will be saying a silent prayer for your mother..and you and your father..
Catherine Earnshaw See, that's the thing: it's really hard to meet guys who would just be in it for the sybling relationship and not for sex. When I first came across this page, it gave me hope that there are other people who feel the same need that I know. Eklektic's description of proposing to someone really resonated for me and gave me the idea of starting a kind of matching website for people looking for what I'm looking for. But then a friend pointed out that not only would there be girls looking for guys to be their older brothers, I would also need older guys looking for younger sisters, and that could lead to some sexual predator stuff that is really not what I'm going for. So then I thought I could start a local Gay Lesbian Bisexual Student Union at my college and that would perhaps enable me to find an older brother while guaranteeing that there would be no sexual tension. But that is a lot of work and dedication to a cause that, while worthy, would not be my main objective. So other than just by chance meeting someone who could fulfill my older brother needs while not having any sexual attraction either way, I don't have any further ideas. If anyone does, or if they at least understand what I'm talking about and have similar needs themselves, please do share them. I would love to know that at the very least I am not alone and weird in my desires. 031006
misstree this is actually something that i'm wrestling with while i've got it pinned under pacifism; i agree, it's hard to find a friend of the opposite sex without that uncomfortable tension being there, but the only thought that i have right at this very moment (when i should be running out the door) is that if you make your lack of intention very clear from the start, about half the time you will actually be heard. being a friend's girlfriend helped me gain some big bro types in swordfighting, but most of the guys get kinda big bro around the girls, because the chicas tend to be both rare and quite willful.

more later. i hope.
oldephebe since my divorce and then subsequent break ups with women after my marraige, i've been kind of looking for a platonic relationship as well but either the woman thinks i'm coming on to her..or she begins to be amorously instrigued..and i so dislike rejecting yeah..i get your frustration but i don't have any ideas or anything.. good luck in finding that brother
Death of a Rose I've had plenty of those relationships, being the guy to look out for you, smacking some nitwit up side the head when they say something stupid, worry endlessly whether you made it home okay.

But all of those women decided to fade away.

Better make sure, absolutely sure that is what you're searching for, because the relationship is two way.

Good luck.
Catherine Earnshaw I want a big brother because the thought of him protecting me and thinking I'm worth protecting is all I've ever wanted. Someone who knows that christians aren't always nice and that nice people aren't always christians. To be accepted for who I am by him is paramount. I want someone to get angry when Everyone's Favorite Nice Guy won't get his hands off me. I want to be that girl who knows she's someone's Little Sister and that that someone can kick some ass. 031108
no reason he just left again for 3000 miles across the country. we won't see him for months. i can't remember a stage in our lives where we've related to each other in such a friends-as-well-as-siblings way.

it was hard to see him go.
mt gullWINGS!!! 040105
mak i hate mine 040116
mak it sounds cold and cruel, i know, but right now i really do. 040116
endless desire it's not fair
you shouldn't be so happy
and free from this all...

where's the punishment
where's the justice

just run away
feel uncomfortable
i'll lock you in my room
and stare at you in the rocking chair
until the sweat from your black hair
trickles down your fucking nose
and you are so uncomfortable you want to die

but until then,
you can just keep
running for reality
and being happy
that they found out
that my brother
didn't keep me safe
when he should have

people just keep letting me down
and i dont know what to do about it anymore
her royal highness the quirk my brother and i are four years apart, so when we were younger i was the bratty little sister fighting for his attention and he was the rude older brother who didn't want anything to do with his sister. now we've both matured and our relationship is so much nicer. i'm a sophomore in college and he's in his first year of grad school (we're at different schools). starting my freshman year of college, we suddenly went from slapping each other to actually giving each other hugs that mean something. we give each other dating advice, we bitch about our parents, we trade war stories from school (he has more than i do). it's funny to think about how now i actually miss him and want to talk to him all the time. it's a lovely change from chasing each other around the house with fists brandished lol. i love my big brother :-) 040221
Karli Brothers are the best gift a girl could ever hope to have. I have 3. They are the closest relationship than i'll ever know with another person. I will forever cherish my brother Kameron. And i'll miss him more and more into forever. 060116
mrrrrrrrr i wrote you an ode 060116
no reason i'm glad he's home 071217
me i used to have a brother. he wasn't really my brother. just a friend. his name is David Elliott. I was his sister for less then a year, but it was real to me. I don't think it was real for him. He doesn't understand that i can't let him go because i really do love him like the brother that I wish he was. He saved my life. He thinks he knows everything, but what he doesn't know is that i think about him every day of my life. I wish he was still my brother. 071218
amy going on about her brother he's not that clueless, he just doesn't want to care. he's too self-centered, and he can't really help it. he can't seem to call my mom on her birthday, that sort of thing. who knows, maybe we're both autistic, or something along those lines. i'm pretty sure he has no idea about my scientific/religious drama. some helper, like maybe a passed-away aunt, has an idea that friendships among family members will manifest via the elephant in the room, over and over again. i figure, hey, if people don't want to listen, they won't. if i don't know what my purpose is with extended family members, why be so tied? my brother agrees with me, i think, but he can't even show up at Christmas, etc. etc., which is a little too much shunning. besides that, he's foggy because he's a drinker. if he didn't have so many drinks, or drinking friends, i'm sure he'd be a little less of a low energy on the family. so, i'm torn and have just decided to have very few expectations, which I'm sure will lead to my mother not seeing her grandson as much as she'd like. obviously, i have to come to some better conclusions about alcohol in order to adultify. i always feel a little drunk, which really isn't so fun. my brother has caused me much confusion. 080605
Isaou You just refused to get off the bus for no reason at all.
God I wanted to just leave you there but you know I wouldn't, that annoys me.
This morning you wouldn't listen when I said you couldn't go to the movies because you were already busy today, I almost locked the door because I was worried that you were going to walk out, and as much as I wish that you would just leave sometimes I would never let you.

You have Down's Syndrome, but god I wish you would just act your age sometime.
u24 I've given up with him. 130107
heartfelt one from a different father:
I love him with fierce protection and reverence for his misfit soul. I hold him dear = I believe in him.

one from a different mother
a stranger to my eyes,
as if he never existed:
This, one in a line of the sins of the father.

Keep your inheritance father,
you are naught to me.
Your savings account,
your gold and silver,
may they turn to tin,
the cost of your pride,
the price of your kin.

(no more whining! Decisions await.)
p w 190115
unhinged owes me so much money it makes me want to break shit 190115
arwyn I used to have two.
Now I have none.
And yet, nothing feels different.

no longer vying for their attentions is refreshing.
no longer wanting their approval or friendship is liberating.
Photophobe Its supposed to mean something....
I'm told.

He and I never meant anything to each other. From the very moment of pre-conception. I (as a shitty teenager) said " I've done enough, looking after my (middle, 11 year younger) baby brother.

Shit sentiment, but in the privilafed middle class aussie upbringing i had, reasonable.

Years later, dad is thankfully dead. Mum is coherent and we are closer than ever,. But Daniel? I returned to Australia, for a too-short short 3 week stay.

He insisted(!) we have lunch. He didn't bring this wallet. He sat on the pathway side and I was uncomfortable sitting almost in the road but said nothing and so I said nothing. He talked a bit about how he'd been in a relationship. About his strange idea about how he might work.... from home. From Mum's home. About how he thought he was an adult. About how he thought that I thought he wasn't an adult... That somehow living at mums house and having a failed relationship... like that was some kind of proof??? as if I care. He talked at length about what I thought about him. And I listened.

And then he lost his mind. I OWED him love. I OWED him success (?!) I OWED him everything he was missing. I said I wasn't his father. (?) He got louder as he loomed like he was going to push me into traffic. He screamed at me "You don't care at all! You're a piece of shit!!" He was red in the face and his muscles bulged. I knew then that my 41 year old self, with recent open heart surgery might not be a match for Daniel i his 20's. I never thought I would have to asses my odds in fighting a family member. But there i was.

He's correct in some aspects - I _don't_ care. I don't love him. There is, and always has been, something wrong with him... and not in an endearing way. Am I supposed to love him? I'm told to.... but I don't. I can't. its like loving a shark. Apparently, I'm the piece of shit? And this just drives it all home.

If only they could have seen this.

But everyone there already hates me. Its an easy enough label to bear from the other side of the world. He can't poison the well... he's not human enough.

But an important enough part of me made me mention my fear. And write this.
what's it to you?
who go