walk vicious away 000109 ... Tess takes a walk. 000209 ... gonut ...don't run. 000812 ... guitar_freak walk and enjoy your life don't run throught it because it will fly right by. take a picture 001012 ... vampers walk with me, hold my hand, show me the way 010325 ... lizardqueen It was the longest ten minutes of my life. Walking home, I thought every car that passed surely had to know what had happened. I was bleeding from biting my lip so much. I could feel the pallor, like chalk, on what was originally an olive complexion. The color had been drained from my body, even my hands seemed sick and empty, the way he left me. That was the first time i had noticed my hands as i was walking home. The were dirty and matching the quiver on my lip. Healthy dirt had been packed tight underneath my jagged fingernails from the clawing and pain i transferred from between my legs into the earth. The fucking earth I never asked to be put on in the first place. In the beginning I had put my hands over my face, I guess thats just a natural reaction to pain and crying and terror, you protect your mind from what your eyes will let in. Your eyes will cheat you and let in things to haunt your dreams and concentration forever. But he had pulled my arms away by the elbow, and said, "I want to look you in the eyes..Look ME In The EYES". That was before he started hurting me, at first it was the overwhelming stinging i could feel on the outside of me, but seconds later came an internal pain with every forbidden thrust. I could feel it in my lower stomach, I tried to push him away but he slid his right arm underneath my back, pulling me in closer, making the pain louder, my screams a scale for his measure. My insides felt as though they were collapsing in suicide, my mind now on the art of the bridge, tracing over the clever and vulgar graffitti. but nothing seemed moe vulgar than this, nothing was mine anymore, here on the ground, in the dirt with the bugs and the ants as i was thrusted into the fertile ground. The fireworks had boomed over my howls, my pleas for him to stop, his hushing and grunting. In the sky were the most fantastic fireworks id ever seen. They were enormous and crackling, lighting up the sky even minutes after the boom. Or what seemed to be minutes. They lit up his face in magnificent greens and oranges, flickering the glimmer in his focused eyes. Id live in the sky for a minute and then see a flash of him in the corner of my eye, flashes of him ruining my life. I dont know how many minutes it had been since he left. Im not sure how long I lied there fermenting in my own tears and blood, with the dirt and bugs. But i belonged with them now, because he took away everything from the inside out. And i had to start all over again. I was a worm on the ground, trying not to get stepped on. Walking home I wondered how my own family had spent the fourth of july. 2 blocks away we could have been watching the very same fireworks. From the creek maybe I even had a better view. 010602 ... ever dumbening BB . 011126 ... Freak Everyone fucking walks all over me. But you...why did you have to do it too? Is that why im hear. Am I just suppossed to be everybodys fucking door mat? No more. Never again. 020605 ... TRIPANIST WALK your demand leaves me to my own contemplation of the distance between us... My pain... fucking legs...and I stand and... JESUS CHRIST my vision gets that little black circle around it...like all but a pinpoint vision of him and his face looking as if I had done it purposely. Pain... remind yourself that you are alive... breathe in and, out. Oh there it is again. consciousness. you And you say to come to you...you wont help me... I have to walk to you...so I drag myself towards you in a crawling/dragging movement... The effort it takes me to move even 6 inches causes my face to tense and I briefly lose sight of you... I collapse just in time to look at you... and you are further... further... my god... DID YOU STEP AWAY... WHY ARE YOU SO FAR AWAY ... Oh but you say that I should be walking...crawling is not good enough for you...it isnt what you want the others to see... what they may say or think...me crawling... and you with me So I say BUT MY LEGS do you see?? THEY ARE FINE YOU JUST HAVE A LITTLE BRUISE STOP CRYING LIKE A BABY... Blink... blink... whirring through my head are a collision of thoughts... helovesmeandwantsmetobebetterbuthedoesntseemtoseethebloodornoticethatmylegsarebrokenintenplacesandeverytimeitrytoWALKtheybreakagain...andidontthinktheybrokethistime...just collapsed. BUT IM TIRED AND I CANT DO IT...PLEASE JUST HOLD ME... make IT STOP HURTING PLEASE GOD... Jesus...now Im praying for his help...his love.. CRYING TO GOD: please let me walk...please let my legs work this time. Im frustrated, and your face is so disaproving...but your arms are so warm... just a little bit of walking... i will just try and go fast. So I Get up... and with my weight on my arms...I lift to the table's height... bending at the waist... oh the tabletop even feels comforting...cool and smooth against my cheek...and I hear you scuffle your feet...and keys jingle...so I turn and just run without thought.... one foot...two... I am waking up... You are there...furious and I know its not even close to the time I tried to walk last... I can almost remember the sound of my legs...and oh jesus god look at my legs... I look at him...and suddenly I think I will go mad... he doesnt see it...He doesnt see the bone...the jagged protrusions from my thigh and shin... PLEASE come LOOK at this...and then you will believe.. and he says its not going to work this time... THIS TIME?? THIS TIME I AM TRYING TO RUN ON COMPOUND FRACTURES TO GET TO YOU ...I dont think they will ever find the pieces to put me together again... and then... I stared into his eyes and tried to find the human... the one who used to kiss the feet that now... are turning black... and how does he not see JESUS GOD CHRIST MY FUCKING GOD PLEASE...and before he turns to leave... through my hysterical sobs I hear "If you wouldnt cry so much and act like a psychotic crybABY...I WOULD SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU" TIME?CRY?ITWASABOUTTEARS?MYMADNESS?YOURS TRULY... INSANITY WALKING 021215 ... TRIPANIST WALK your demand leaves me to my own contemplation of the distance between us... My pain... fucking legs...and I stand and... JESUS CHRIST my vision gets that little black circle around it...like all but a pinpoint vision of him and his face looking as if I had done it purposely. Pain... remind yourself that you are alive... breathe in and, out. Oh there it is again. consciousness. you And you say to come to you...you wont help me... I have to walk to you...so I drag myself towards you in a crawling/dragging movement... The effort it takes me to move even 6 inches causes my face to tense and I briefly lose sight of you... I collapse just in time to look at you... and you are further... further... my god... DID YOU STEP AWAY... WHY ARE YOU SO FAR AWAY ... Oh but you say that I should be walking...crawling is not good enough for you...it isnt what you want the others to see... what they may say or think...me crawling... and you with me So I say BUT MY LEGS do you see?? THEY ARE FINE YOU JUST HAVE A LITTLE BRUISE STOP CRYING LIKE A BABY... Blink... blink... whirring through my head are a collision of thoughts... helovesmeandwantsmetobebetterbuthedoesntseemtosee thebloodornotice Thatmylegsarebroken in ten places and everytime i try toWALK they break again... and i dont thinktheybrokethistime...just collapsed. BUT IM TIRED AND I CANT DO IT...PLEASE JUST HOLD ME... make IT STOP HURTING PLEASE GOD... Jesus...now Im praying for his help...his love.. CRYING TO GOD: please let me walk...please let my legs work this time. Im frustrated, and your face is so disaproving...but your arms are so warm... just a little bit of walking... i will just try and go fast. So I Get up... and with my weight on my arms...I lift to the table's height... bending at the waist... oh the tabletop even feels comforting...cool and smooth against my cheek...and I hear you scuffle your feet...and keys jingle...so I turn and just run without thought.... one foot...two... I am waking up... You are there...furious and I know its not even close to the time I tried to walk last... I can almost remember the sound of my legs...and oh jesus god look at my legs... I look at him...and suddenly I think I will go mad... he doesnt see it...He doesnt see the bone...the jagged protrusions from my thigh and shin... PLEASE come LOOK at this...and then you will believe.. and he says its not going to work this time... THIS TIME?? THIS TIME I AM TRYING TO RUN ON COMPOUND FRACTURES TO GET TO YOU ...I dont think they will ever find the pieces to put me together again... and then... I stared into his eyes and tried to find the human... the one who used to kiss the feet that now... are turning black... and how does he not see JESUS GOD CHRIST MY FUCKING GOD PLEASE...and before he turns to leave... through my hysterical sobs I hear "If you wouldnt cry so much and act like a psychotic crybABY...I WOULD SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU" TIME?CRY?ITWASABOUTTEARS?MYMADNESS?YOURS TRULY... INSANITY WALKING 021215 ... neesh Stars in my eyes, spiders in my hair, I shake my head a little dazed. In the desert, the real desert, flowers bloom, spiders kill, stars shine bright. But in the desert of the real there is only me. I didn't come here to look for myself, but now that I’m here, I have to search. I peer inside shells, I explore the heavens to the limits of my sight, I stare into my hands as they bronze in this furnace. Everybody asks me where I am going, and I wish I knew what to say. With hasty vague gestures, broken words, I pray they can show me the way, but at best I trek a stretch alone, homing in, knowing something about the way, walking it every day. It rained that morning, and remnant dust chokes the air. A man throws water from a bucket and it catches the sun on a red brick road, flowing liquid gold at my feet. I tread carefully. Poeticising my walk to work, I overlook my sign – "El Wurlitzer" – but I know it's there without having to see it, and sing in my head as I pass by. I push the doorbell and it chimes its ever painful dissonance. I pushed three buttons and the thing began to whirr. Dust in my eyes now. 050905 what's it to you? who go blather from