clueless cher Directed by Amy Heckerling CAST: Alicia Silverstone.........Cher Horowitz Stacey Dash................Dionne Brittany Murphy............Tai Paul Stephen Rudd..........Josh Donald Adeosun Faison......Murray Elisa Donovan..............Amber Breckin Meyer..............Travis Jeremy Sisto...............Elton Dan Hedaya.................Mel Aida Linares...............Lucy Wallace Shawn..............Mr. Hall Twink Caplan...............Miss Geist Justin Walker..............Christian Sabastian Rashidi..........Paroudasm Herb Hall..................Principal Julie Brown................Miss Stoeger Susan Mohun................Heather Nicole Bilderback..........Summer Ron Orbach.................DMV Tester Sean Holland...............Lawrence Roger Kabler...............College Guy Jace Alexander.............Robber Josh Lozoff................Logan Carl Gottlieb..............Minister Joseph D. Reitman..........Student Anthony Beninati...........Bartender Micki Duran................Dancer Gregg Russell..............Dancer Jermaine Montell...........Dancer Danielle Eckert............Dancer Written by Jane Austen (novel Emma) Amy Heckerling Cinematography by Bill Pope Music by David Kitay Production Design by Steven J. Jordan Costume Design by Mona May Film Editing by Debra Chiate Produced by Barry M. Berg (co-producer) Twink Caplan (associate) Robert Lawrence (III) Scott Rudin Adam Schroeder (co-producer) Other crew Den Abraham..............set dresser Barry M. Berg............unit production manager Alan 'Doc' Friedman......make-up Richard Graves...........assistant director Raul Gutierrez...........assistant to Scott Rudin William Hiney............art director Lawrence Karman..........camera operator Mark Kusy................set dresser James LaBarge............set dresser Alyson Dee Moore.........foley James Muro...............steadicam operator Wendy Murray.............set dresser Patricia Nedd............foley Nina Paskowitz...........hair styles Karyn Rachtman...........music supervisor Patrick Romano...........stunt co-ordinator Marcia Ross..............casting Daniel Silverberg........assistant director Jeffrey T. Spellman......location manager Amy Wells................set decorator Diana Williams...........assistant director OK, so here it is. The entire script to Clueless including important actions, songs from the soundtrack, and my own personal comments. Just hit the little speaker next to the character's name to hear the lines from the movie (They're not working yet). I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's amazing the things you pick up when watching a scene 50 times. One thing: this is written by a hopelessly devoted and loyal Alicia Silverstone fan, so some of the commentary may be biased. But, I figure if you're reading this then you must have some interest her. Enjoy. Any suggestions, errors, anything?! Please email me pacey578@rocketmail.com SCENE I - CHER'S HOUSE "Kids in America" The Muffs (Heaps of shots of the girls having fun) CHER V.O. So OK, you're probably thinking, "Is this, like a Noxema commercial, or what?!" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl. I mean I get up, I brush my teeth, and I pick out my school clothes. "Fashion Girl" David Bowie Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. He's so good he gets paid five hundred dollars an hour just to fight with people, but he fights with me for free 'cause I'm his daughter. CHER Daddy! MEL Cher, please don't start with the juice again. CHER Daddy, you need your vitamin C. MEL Where's my briefcase? CHER It's been a couple of months now, so I say we go out to Malibu. MEL Don't tell me those braindead low-lifes have been calling again. CHER They are your parents. And don't try sneaking out of the office. Dr. Lovitz is coming by to give you a flu shot. MEL Oh, Josh is in town. He's coming for dinner. CHER Why? MEL Because he's your step-brother! CHER But you were hardly even married to his mother and that was five years ago. Why do I have to see Josh? (Watch those LIPS!!) MEL You divorce wives, not children. CHER Here. MEL Forget it! SCENE II - CHER'S CAR "Just a girl" No Doubt CHER V.O. Did I show you the loqued-out Jeep Daddy got me? It's got four wheel drive, dual side airbags and monster sound system. I don't have a licence yet, but I need something to learn on. (Cher runs over a potted plant on the kerb) Oh, why that came out of nowhere. (Watch her face when she looks back at the road) Here's where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like to have people be jealous of us. DIONNE Dude! CHER Girlfriend! CHER V.O. And I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion efforts. DIONNE Hey Cher. CHER V.O. Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past who now do infomercials. DIONNE So? CHER Shopping with Dr. Seuss? DIONNE Well, at least I wouldn't skin a Collie to make my backpack. CHER It's Faux. DIONNE Hello. That was a stop sign! CHER I totally paused! DIONNE Yeah, OK. SCENE III - SCHOOL WALKWAY DIONNE It's not even eight thirty and Murray is paging me. CHER He is so possesive. DIONNE Tell me about it. This weekend he called me up and he's all "Where were you today?" and I'm like "I'm at my Grandmother's house"... CHER V.O. Dionne and her boyfriend, Murray are in this dramatic relationship. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie just too many times. Now I have to say to her... CHER Dee, why do you put up with it? You could do so much better. DIONNE Alright, sh, sh. Here he comes. "Shoop" Salt n' Pepa MURRAY Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages? DIONNE I hate when you call me Woman! MURRAY Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin' around behind my back? DIONNE Jeepin'? CHER Jeepin'. (Watch Cher closely. It's Classic!) MURRAY Jeepin', jeepin'. DIONNE No, but speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain to me how this cheap K-mart hair extension got into the back seat of your car. MURRAY I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your stringy something on others you got up here... DIONNE Excuse me. I do not wear polyester hair, OK. Unlike some people I know, like Shawanna. CHER Dee, I'm outie. DIONNE Bye. MURRAY Why do you gotta go there? DIONNE That's it. I've had it with you. MURRAY Is it that time of the month again? (Croud Gasps) CHER V.O. I don't know why Dionne is going out with a high school boy. They're like dogs. You have to clean them and feed them and they're just like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you. (Random guy puts his arm around Cher) CHER Ooo! Get off of me! Uh, AS IF! SCENE IV - CLASSROOM DEBATE MR HALL Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America? Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro. Cher, two minutes. CHER So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty? (Class breaks into applause) CHER Thank you very much. MR HALL Uh, Amber? Replying? AMBER Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some little party. CHER Hello?! It was his fiftieth birthday! AMBER Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine. MR HALL Ladies. So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton? Comments? ELTON Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD. I've gotta do to the Quad before somebody snags it. MR HALL I'm afraid I can't permit that. Any further insights? TRAVIS I had an insight, Mr. Hall. MR HALL I'm all ears. TRAVIS OK, like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn't torment my Mom anymore, huh? MR HALL Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti, but tolerance is always a good lesson, even when it comes out of nowhere. TRAVIS Thank you. MR HALL And with that in mind, I'm going to distribute you report cards. Now, is there a Christian Stobich in this class? CHER MR. Hall? The buzz on Christian is that his parents have joint custody, so he'll be spending one semester in Chicago and one semester here. I think it is a travesty on the part of the legal profession. (Look at Cher's face while speaking! Ahhh, I can't take it anymore!) MR HALL Thank you for that perspective Cher. (Mr. Hall hands out the report cards) Now could all conversations please come to a halt. (Travis jumps up to the window) And could the suicide attempts please be postponed till the next period? TRAVIS Must die. (After Cher, the most classic character in the movie) CHER V.O. Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period. I got a C in debate?! 000820 ... cher SCENE V - SCHOOL HALLWAY CHER (on phone) Dee? DIONNE Wassup? CHER Did you get your report card? DIONNE Yeah, I'm toast. How'd you do? CHER I totally choked. My father is going to go ballistic on me. DIONNE Mr. Hall was way harsh! (Cher and Dionne meet up in the hall) He gave me a C minus. CHER Well, he gave me a C, which drags down my entire average. DIONNE Bye. CHER I'll call ya, OK? DIONNE Yeah. SCENE VI - CHER'S HOUSE CHER V.O. Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972. Wasn't my Mom a betty? She died when I was just a baby. A fluke accident during a routine liposuction. I don't remember her, but I like to pretend she still watches over me. CHER Hey, Ma. 98 in geometry. Pretty groovy, huh? "Fake Plastic Trees (Acoustic Version)" Radiohead CHER V.O. Yuk! Uh, the maudlin music of the University station. CHER Waa, waa, waa. (Cher enters the kitchen) Yuh, what is it about college and cry-baby music? JOSH Hey, who's watching the Galleria? CHER So, the flannel shirt deal. Is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator? JOSH (grabs Cher's tummy) Oo, wow. You're filling out there. CHER Wow. Your face is catching up with your mouth. JOSH I went by Dad's office. CHER He is not your Dad. Why don't you torture a new family. JOSH Hey, just because my mother marries someone else, doesn't mean he's my father. CHER Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means. (They enter the Lounge) I hope you're not thinking of staying here. JOSH I sure want to. CHER I'm sure you do. JOSH I've got a place in Westwood, near School. CHER Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast? I hear girls at N.Y.U. aren't at all particular. JOSH Hahaha, you're funny. (Josh changes the channel from Beavis and Butthead to the News) CHER Hey! God, you just got here and already you're playing couch Commando! JOSH Hey! In some parts of the Universe, maybe not in Contempo Casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world. CHER Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G again? MEL (From Dining Room) C'mon you chuckleheads, get in here! (They move to the Dining Room) Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter. JOSH I don't think so. MEL (to Cher) Doesn't he look bigger? CHER His head does. MEL So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion about Corporate Law? JOSH Yeah, you know, but I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law. MEL What for? Do you want to have a miserable, frustrating life? CHER Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does. MEL At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction. CHER I have direction. JOSH Yeah, towards the mall. MEL Which reminds me, where's your report card? CHER It's not ready yet. MEL What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?" CHER Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations. MEL Very good. (One of the mobile phones rings, everyone answers their phone) CHER Dee? JOSH Yeah? MEL Hello? Yeah, Jake, what? NO! Not the afternoon. (Cher and Josh put their phones down) CHER You are such a brown-noser. JOSH Oh, and you are such a superficial space-cadet. What makes you think you can get teachers to change your grades? MEL (in background) I told you I wanted it in the morning! Doesn't he understand? In the morning. CHER Only the fact that I've done it every other semester. SCENE VII - VARIOUS SCHOOL LOCALES "Shake some action" Cracker CHER V.O. I told my P.E. teaher an evil male had broken my heart, so she raised my C to a B. CHER I'm so miserable. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't study. MISS STOEGER They're slime, they're slime, I mean they're horrible, don't feel bad, don't feel bad, I know, and you see they're all like this. CHER V.O. Then I promised Miss Giest I'd start a letter writing campaign to my congressman about violations of the clean air act. But Mr. Hall was totally rigid. He said my debates were unresearched, unstructured, and unconvincing, AS IF! I felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate. I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength. SCENE VIII - THE MALL DIONNE Dude, what's wrong? Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something? (Watch Cher flick her head) CHER God, no! Nothing like that. It's just that, we've been shopping all day and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall. I have tried everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude, but I was brutally rebuffed. DIONNE Get over it, OK. He's a miserable little man who wants to make everyone else miserable too. CHER Dee, that's it! We've got to figure out a way to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy. SCENE IX - SCHOOL CHER V.O. Here's the four-one-one on Mr. Hall. He's single, he's 47, and he earns minor duckets for a thankless job. What that man needs is a good healthy boinkfest. Unfortunately, there was a major babe drought in our school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually married,... oooh Snickers... and in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers, Ms. Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented. Of course, there was always Miss Giest. Something told me not to discount Miss Giest. Well sure, she has runs in her stockings, and her slip is always showing, and she always has more lipstick on her teeth than her mouth. God, this woman is screaming for a make-over. I'm her only hope. (Cher is writing a note outside Miss Giest's pidgeon hole) DIONNE Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May but thy eternal summer shall not fade. Phat! Did you write that? CHER Duh, it's like a famous quote. DIONNE From where? CHER Cliff's notes. DIONNE Oh. (Travis and Miss Giest walk out of her office toward where Cher and Dionne have split the scene) MISS GIEST I know you're going to be better now. Now, you run along and I'll see you third period and you will try to remember to bring your textbook. TRAVIS Uh, OK. (Miss Giest reads the note left by the girls and her face brightens) DIONNE Oh, my God! She actually looked happy! CHER Oooh, classic! (Scene changes to Mr. Hall's classroom) MR HALL Paroudasm Budapshawn, 16 tardies to work off. (Paroudasm mutters something in Farsi and his friends cheer) Janet Huon, no tardies. CLASSMATES Kisser! MR HALL Travis Berkenstock, 38 tardies. By far the most tardies in the class. Congratulations. (The whole class cheers and applaudes. Travis approaches the podium) TRAVIS This is so unexpected, I, uh, I didn't even have a speech prepared. Uh, but I would like to say this: Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. Uh, I'd like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the L.A. city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and, uh, last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonalds for spending hours making those egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy. MR HALL Well, if Mr. Berkenstock has no political messages to include in his speech, I'll go on. Cher Horowitz, two tardies. CHER I object! Do you recall the dates of these alleged tardies? (Cher in lawyer mode. Legendary!) MR HALL One was last Monday! CHER Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave, I had to haul ass to the ladies'. MR HALL I assume your referring to women's troubles, and so I'll let that one slide. CHER Thank you, Mr. Hall. Miss Giest was right about you. MR HALL What do you mean? CHER Well, she said that you were the only one in this school with any intelligence. SCENE X - CHER'S HOUSE MEL Cher, get in here! CHER Yes, Daddy? MEL Would you tell me what the hell this is? CHER Um, a second notice for three outstanding tickets. I don't remember getting a first notice. MEL The ticket is the first notice. I didn't even know you could get tickets without a licence. CHER Oh, sure you can. You can get tickets anytime. MEL Oh, is that so? (Cher nods) Well not around here you can't. From this moment on, you will not drive, sit, do anything in that jeep without a supervised driver present. And no cruisin' around with Dionne, alright? Two permits do not equal a licence! Do I make myself clear? CHER Yes, Daddy. MEL Cher, I expect you to become a good driver. I want to see you apply yourself. CHER I will. I'm gonna practise real hard. MEL OK. (The scene moves to the poolside) CHER V.O. A licenced driver with nothing to do? Where would I find such a loser? CHER Hey, granola breath, you got something on your chin. JOSH I'm growing a goatee. CHER Oh, that's good. You don't want to be the last one at the coffee house without chin pubes. JOSH I can't tell you how much I enjoy these little chats of ours, but in the interest of saving time, why don't you just tell me what you want. CHER OK. So, actually, I have a permit and I can drive and all, but Daddy says I can't take the jeep out without a licenced driver, and since your not doing anything and all, you know? JOSH What are the chances of you shutting up until you get your way? CHER Hmmm, slim to none. C'mon! 000820 ... cher SCENE XI - CHER'S CAR JOSH Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road. CHER I am. You try driving in platforms. JOSH Look, I got to get back to school. Ah, you want to practise parking? CHER What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet. What class you going to? JOSH Actually, I'm going to a tree people meeting. Me might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree. CHER How fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant trees? Josh, why don't you just hire a gardener? JOSH You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you have never heard of that, a contribution is the giving of... CHER Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy... JOSH time... funds... CHER And as soon as I get my licence I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours helping two lonely teachers find romance. JOSH Which I'll bet serves your interest more than theirs. You know, if I ever saw you do something that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd die of shock. CHER Oh, that'd be reason enough for me. SCENE XII - SCHOOL CHER Would you call me selfish? DIONNE No. Not to your face. CHER Really? DIONNE What's wrong? Is Josh giving you shit because he's going through his post-adolescent idealistic phase? CHER Look, there's Mr. Hall. (The girls run over to Mr. Hall) Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, um, do you drink coffee? MR HALL Well, not from this cafeteria. But, uh, yes under normal circumstances. CHER Well, I am such a retard. When I was packing Daddy's lunch this morning I gave him my lemon snapple, and I took his sucky Italian roast. Do you want it? MR HALL Are you sure you don't want it? CHER Duh, it might stunt my growth. I wanna be 5'10" like Cindy Crawford. But I thought maybe you and Miss Giest might like it? DIONNE Maybe you can share it? MR HALL Well, uh, thanks. CHER Sure. (To Dionne) Hmm? (Outside Miss Giest's office, she opens the door) CHER & DIONNE Miss Giest! MISS GIEST Hi girls. Did you sign up for the environmental fair? DIONNE Oh, yeah, we will. CHER You have such pretty eyes. Don't hide them. And these clips are so cute. DIONNE And this tiny little waist. Oooh, wow. MISS GIEST Girls. Oh, and don't forget to sign up for the environmental fair. DIONNE Not a total betty, but a vast improvement. CHER Well, we did our best. DIONNE Mmmm, Hmmm. CHER We gotta book it if we're going to make it to P.E. (Scene moves outside) C'mon, Dee. DIONNE Ohh, I feel like failing, dude, c'mon. CHER I know what you mean, but at least it's exercise. I feel like such a heffer. I had two bowls of special K, three pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&M's, and like, three pieces of licorice. DIONNE (Gasp) Oh, my God. Look. Is that a photo op, or what? CHER Will you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other. That's an unequivocal sex invite. DIONNE Oh, Cher, he's getting her digits. Look at Giest, she is so cute. CHER Ohh, old people can be so sweet. "Change" Lightning Seeds (The following scenes show Miss Giest and Mr. Hall get it on while everyone is thanking Cher.) CHER V.O. The entire student body was utterly grateful for the improvement in their grades. SCENE XIII - CHER'S HOUSE MEL Cher, what's this all about? CHER My report card? MEL The same semester? CHER Uh-huh. MEL What'd you do? Turn in some extra-credit reports? CHER No. MEL You take the mid-terms over? CHER Uh-uh. MEL You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-? CHER Totally based on my powers of persuasion. You proud? MEL Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades. CHER Thank you. MEL Fabulous. SCENE XIV - SCHOOL P.E. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" Robert Hazard CHER V.O. I felt so satisfied, I wanted to do more good deeds. (Dionne sneezes) CHER Dee, when your allergies act up, take out your nose-ring. MISS STOEGER Follow... through! There you go, there you go. All right, Cher. Earth to Cher! Come in Cher! CHER Oh. Miss Stoeger? I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of care-free gum. (Class cheers) MISS STOEGER Well, you certainly exercised your mouth Cher. Now, hit the ball. (Ball flies by, inches from Cher's nose) CHER Miss Stoeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen! MISS STOEGER Thanks for the legal advice. (Cher returns to line) Dionne? You're up. DIONNE Uh, no, Miss Stoeger? I have a note from my tennis instructor, and he would prefer it if I didn't expose myself to any training that might derail his teachings. MISS STOEGER Fine! Amber? AMBER Miss Stoeger. My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose. DIONNE Well, there goes your social life. (Girls giggle. Principal walks onto the scene) PRINCIPAL Miss Stoeger? Got another one. Ladies, we have a new student with us. This is Tai Frasier. MISS STOEGER Tai, you don't have time to change, but you could hit a few balls in those clothes. AMBER She could be a farmer in those clothes. CHER Dee, my mission is clear. Would you look at that girl? She is so adorably clueless. We have got to adopt her. DIONNE Cher, she is toe-up. Our stock would plummet. CHER Dee, don't you want to use your popularity for a good cause? DIONNE No. CHER (Motions to Tai) C'mere. Yeah, c'mere. Hang with us. TAI Oh, thank you. CHER How do you like California? TAI Man, I am freakin'. I could really use some sort of a herbal refreshment? DIONNE Well, we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff. TAI No shit! You guys got Coke here? DIONNE Well, yeah. CHER Yeah, this is America. (Scene changes to the girls walking down main path) "Unknown song and artist" CHER V.O. So, we decided to show Tai the ropes at Bronson Alcott High School. CHER That is Alana's group over there. They do the T.V. station. They think that's the most important thing on Earth. And that's the Persian mafia. You can't hang with them unless you own a BMW. And there's Elton in the white vest, and all the most popular boys in the school. DIONNE Including my boyfriend. Ain't he cute? TAI Yeah. CHER If you make the decision to date a high school boy, they are the only acceptable ones. TAI Cher, which one of them is your boyfriend? CHER As if! DIONNE Cher's got attitude about high school boys. CHER It's a personal choice every woman has got to make for herself. (Murray approaches the girls) MURRAY (to Dionne) Woman, lend me five dollars. DIONNE Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me Woman! MURRAY Excuse me, Miss Dionne. DIONNE Thank you. MURRAY OK, but street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in a misogynistic undertone. (Murray hops away) TAI Wow! You guys talk like grown-ups. CHER Oh, well, this is a really good school. TAI I'm gonna go get a soda. You guys want? CHER Sure. TAI Alright. DIONNE She's nice. CHER Oooh, project! (I can't put that cute little squeal into words) (Scene changes to inside cafeteria) "My Iron Lung" Radiohead TRAVIS (To food) Oh, wow. That's disgusting. (To Tai) That's nice representation. TAI Thanks. Those are really nice stickers. TRAVIS Oh, you like 'em? See, I was thinking it was too cluttered. You know, I wanna wipe all of this out and concentrate on one main decorative statement. Like, uh, Marvin the Martian. Right there. TAI Get outa town! I can do Marvin the Martian. TRAVIS Really? TAI Well, I mean, there's not really a lot to him. But, you wanna see? TRAVIS Yeah. TAI Here. TRAVIS Oh, wow! That's really cool. TAI Thanks. TRAVIS You drew that? TAI Yeah, and wait, I got... one here. TRAVIS You didn't trace this? TAI Uh-uh. No. Here's another one over here. And, lots of little guys. TRAVIS That is so cute! TAI I love to draw. TRAVIS You're really good at it. TAI No. TRAVIS Yeah, really you are. TAI No. TRAVIS Yeah! (Scene changes to outside) DIONNE Are you sure that's fat free? CHER Oh, yes. And you lose wait by doing it like this. Like really small. (Dionne giggles/hisses) It's true. TAI I met a really cool guy. CHER Describe! TAI Alright, he's got long hair, he's really funny, and straight off, right? He offers me some smoke. There he is! CHER Are you talking about drugs? TAI Yeah. CHER Tai, how old are you? TAI I'll be sixteen in May. CHER My birthday is in April, and as someone older, can I please give you some advice? (Tai nods) It is one thing to spark up a dubie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day. DIONNE Do you see the distinction? TAI Yeah. CHER Loadies generally hang on the grassy knoll over there. "unknown song and artist" guitarish Sometimes they come to class and say bonehead things, and we all laugh, of course. But no respectable girl actually dates them. DIONNE Hmm-mm. CHER You don't want to start off on the wrong foot, do you????????????? (TAI shakes her head) I've got an idea. Let's do a make-over! (Dionne lights up) TAI No, no. DIONNE Oh, c'mon! Let us! Cher's main thrill in life is a make-over. OK, it gives her a sense of control on a world full of chaos. CHER Pleeeaaase. (How could anyone resist that?!) TAI Sure. Why not? Shit! You guys! I have never had straight friends before. 000820 ... cher SCENE XV - MAKE-OVER AT CHER'S HOUSE "Supermodel" Jill Sobule (Various scenes of Cher and Dionne making over Tai, then Cher and Tai working out in the lounge room) CHER Squeeze in. TAI Cher, I don't wanna do this any more, and my buns, they don't feel nothin' like steel. CHER OK, it will get easier, I promise. Just as long as we do it every day. Not just sporadically. TAI How do you know if we're doing it sporadically? CHER That's another thing, Tai. We've got to work on your accent and vocabulary. See, sporadic means once in a while. Try and use it in a sentence today. TAI Alright. CHER OK, from now on we're alternating Cindy Crawford's "Aerobicise" and "Buns of Steel", and reading one non-school book a week. My first book is "Fit or Fat". TAI Mine is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". CHER Good. Now that takes care of our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours. (Josh walks in) JOSH Hey, brainiac. CHER Uh, the dreaded ex. Tai, this is Josh. JOSH Nice to meet ya. CHER Hey! You know about this stuff. I want to do something good for humanity. JOSH How about sterilization? (Tai cracks up. Cher and Josh enter the kitchen) CHER So, what do ya think? JOSH I'm amazed. CHER That I'm devoting myself so generously to someone else? JOSH No, that you've found someone even more clueless than you are to worship you. CHER I am rescuing her from teenage hell. Do you know the wounds from adolescence can take years to heal? JOSH Yeah, and you've never had a mother so you're acting out on that poor girl as if she was your Barbie doll. CHER Freshman psych rears it's ugly head JOSH Hey, I am not taking psych. CHER Whatever. I am going to take that lost soul in there and make her well-dressed and popular. Her life will be better because of me. How many girls can say that about you? (Josh and Cher walk back to the lounge where Tai is watching T.V. and singing along with the "Mentos" ad. God I hate those ads!) JOSH Be seein' ya. TAI Yeah, I hope not sporadically. SCENE XVI - SCHOOL CHER Oh, my God. Do you see how boys are responding? My heart is totally bursting. DIONNE I know. I'm kvelling! (Travis approaches) TRAVIS Cher, you have Timor, right? CHER Giest. TRAVIS Hey, Tai! Did you get a flyer? TAI Uh-uh. TRAVIS Here. TAI Thanks. Wow, a party! CHER It's in the Valley. The cops usually break 'em up in less than an hour, and it takes that long to get there. DIONNE And besides, it's just local loadies. TAI Do you guys think that Travis is gonna be there? DIONNE Tai, I thought we moved on from there. CHER Don't sell yourself short now. You've got something going for you that no one in this school has. TAI Oh, I'm not a virgin. CHER I mean mystery. As far as everyone is concerned you were the most popular girl in your school, and the fact that you hang with Dee and I, well... DIONNE Speaks very highly of you. CHER If you strike while the iron is hot, you can have any guy that you want. TAI Like who? CHER Let's see. Who's available? There's Bronson... I got it! Elton! He just broke up with Collette. DIONNE Oh, yes! TAI Who's Elton? DIONNE Oh, my God. He's way popular. He's like the social director of the crew. CHER Yeah, and his Dad can get you into any concert, and I noticed him scoping you out. TAI He was looking at me? CHER He said you gave him a toothache. TAI How'd I do that? CHER It's an expression. It means he thought you were sweet. TAI Yeah? CHER Yeah. TAI Wow. DIONNE Is that true? CHER No. DIONNE Oh, you are so bad. (Scene moves to fountain where Cher is taking pictures of the crew) "Alright" Supergrass CHER Ok, you guys, all get together. Oh, that is great. Smile! Tai, Tai, get a little closer. Closer Tai. Good, great! Hey, Elton, uh, why don't you put your arm around Tai? ELTON (Unwillingly) Alright! CHER Yeah, that's great. (Check out Cher's little smile and rock! Awesome!) OK. Tai, c'mere, c'mere, Tai. (Scene moves to just Cher and Tai by bushes) Hold that. TAI OK. CHER OK. (Elton approaches.) ELTON Cool picture. CHER Doesn't she look classic? ELTON Yeah, this is beautiful. CHER She looks like one of those Bottichellis chicks. ELTON Hey, why don't you make me a copy of this, OK? CHER Sure. (Another one of Cher's little squeals. Classic!) SCENE XVII - CHER'S HOUSE, DINING ROOM CHER Hi Daddy. This is my friend, Tai. MEL Get out of my chair! (Tai moves to opposite Cher. Lucy brings in dinner.) CHER Thank you, Lucy. It looks great. MEL What is this crap? CHER Daddy, it's from the "Cut your Colesterol" cook book. Doctor Lovitz says you've got to get down to two hundred. (Cher's pager beeps.) MEL No calls tonight. CHER But it's Dionne, it might... MEL Sorry! CHER It might be important. MEL We're going to have a nice family dinner. So, uh, what'd you do at school today? CHER Well... I broke in my purple clogs. (Mel's phone rings.) MEL Yeah, hello? Alright, Jake. Yeah, yeah, no, no, what? CHER Dee? Whatup? DIONNE So, check it. Murray's geometry class is right by Elton's locker, and taped up inside was the picture you took of Tai. CHER Oh, my God. TAI What? CHER Elton's got a picture of you hanging up in his locker. TAI Oh, no shit! DIONNE Hello! So, anyway, the whole crew is going to this party in the Valley. CHER Bye. (Cher hangs up the phone.) Looks like we're going to have to make a cameo at the Val party. MEL (in background) I told you I want it in the morning. No! SCENE XVIII - MURRAY'S CAR DIONNE Murray! MURRAY Just look at the top of the map. Sun Valley is north. DIONNE OK, no. All I see is Bel Air, OK. MURRAY Then you're on the wrong map. DIONNE I am not on the wrong map. MURRAY Look at the number on the top. What is the number on the top? DIONNE There are no numbers on the top. There's letters. (Murray makes a frustrated noise.) DIONNE Murray, shut up! CHER Please don't friz out! SCENE XIX - THE VAL PARTY (The gang pull up outside the party.) Listen Tai, when we get there make sure Elton sees you, but don't say hi first. Look like you're having fun and you're really popular. Talk to someone in his eyeline, preferably a guy. Make him come to you, and find an excuse to leave while he's still into the conversation. The key is, always have him wanting more. You got it? TAI I got it. CHER OK. TRAVIS Heads up! (Does a rail slide with his skateboard on the stair-rail.) TAI Oh, did you just see that?! CHER Oh, God. Skateboards, that is like, so five years ago. TRAVIS Oh, you guys came! That's great! You want a beer? I'll get you one. CHER (to Tai) No. (The girls enter the party house.) "Unknown song and artist" TAI This is ragin'. CHER Let's do a lap before we commit to a location. (Dionne drags a dancing girl away from Murray.) DIONNE Who was that?! TAI Cher, ain't that the same dress that you was wearin' yesterday? CHER Say, Ambular? AMBER Hi. CHER Was that you going through my laundry? AMBER As if. Like I would really wear something from Judy's. CHER Do you prefer fashion victim or ensembly challenged? (Amber walks off.) AMBER Uh! CHER What a clone. TAI Cher, you looked much better in that dress than she did. (Travis bursts onto the scene spilling drink on Cher's shoes.) CHER Uh! Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?! TRAVIS I'm sorry. (They move to the kitchen.) CHER Excuse me, my shoes! Uh! This is so not fixable. TRAVIS It's a small price to pay to the party gods. Look, I'll make amends. How about some chronic shit? CHER Oh, it's the least you could do. TAI Spark it. CHER Hey, Elton's over there. Act like Travis is saying something funny. (Tai hands joint to Cher and blows smoke in her face.) TAI Sorry. (Tai starts cracking up.) TRAVIS What's so funny? TAI Nothing. (Elton approaches and reaches behind Cher for the joint) CHER Oh, here. (Summer enters holding a card) SUMMER Hey, everyone! Let's play suck and blow. (The card passes through the group until Elton drops it (on purpose) and plants one right on Cher's mouth) CHER God, Elton. Can you suck? (Dionne screams in the background) It's Dee. C'mon! (Scene changes to the bathroom, where Murray is getting his head shaved) DIONNE What have you done! Oh, my God! Uh! Why did you do this to your head?! MURRAY Because I'm keeping it real. Because I'm keeping it real. DIONNE What?! MURRAY 'Cause I'm keeping it... 'cause I'm keeping it real. DIONNE (to Cher) Look! Look what he's done to his head! Can you believe this? MURRAY Look at Lawrence's head. Alright? LAWRENCE It's the bomb! MURRAY You know what I'm sayin'? You look good. LAWRENCE As will you. DIONNE What'd you care what he thinks, Murray? I'm the one that has to look at you. That was a big mistake. What am I going to do with you now? And right before the year book pictures? What am I going to tell my grandchildren? MURRAY Alright. DIONNE You know what? Ok, that's it. MURRAY (mimicking) That's it. DIONNE You wanna play games? MURRAY (mimicking agin) You wanna play games? DIONNE I'm calling your mother. MURRAY I'm... I'm ca... Oh, wait! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, wait. Don't call my Ma. LAWRENCE Yo, man. Chill, chill! MURRAY Chill?! (Cher and Tai start walking away) CHER Same thing happened at the spring dance. She spent the entire after-party in the bathroom. TAI See, that almost destroyed by buzz. CHER I'm still baked. TAI Yeah. (Back to the dance floor.) "Rollin' With My Homies" Coolio CHER What do ya say, we go bump into people? TAI Yeah, I'm cool with that. TRAVIS (from on the fireplace) Hey, Tai! Wait up! Whooh! (Travis jumps onto the crowd. No one keeps him up and he hits the deck.) TAI Are you OK? TRAVIS (to dancers) Where's your sense of pit hospitality? TAI That was so cool, the way you did that. I wish I could do it. TRAVIS Oh, no, don't. TAI Why not? TRAVIS Well, 'cause if girls did it, what would guys do to impress them? TAI I don't know, like stuff. You know? TRAVIS What kind of stuff? (Cher spots Travis tuning Tai and butts in to stop it) CHER Tai, I need you. TAI OK. CHER Elton's over there. (The girls start dancing. As Tai is trying to impress Elton she is hit in the head by a flying Clog) CHER Tai! Tai, Elton, help me! (Elton carries Tai into the kitchen and places her on the counter) CHER Thank you. TRAVIS Here, you should use ice. CHER No, Travis! We've got it under control. TRAVIS Tai, are you OK? CHER Travis, Tai would have wanted you to enjoy the party. CHER If it's a concussion, you have to keep her concious, OK? Ask her questions. ELTON What's seven times seven? CHER Stuff she knows! (Tai sits up and hits her head on the light. What a clutz!) ELTON Some bump you've got there. TAI Yeah. ELTON Yeah? You ready to go back out there? TAI Yeah, I am. ELTON Alright. Are you sure? Can you do this? (Singing) Rollin' with the homies. TAI (Singing) Rollin' with the homies. (Great voice.) ELTON Yeah, let's do it. You're ready. (Elton and Tai go back to the dance floor.) CHER V.O. I had to give myself snaps for all the good deeds I was doing. It was so great. Love was everywhere. Even though I was alone, I was really happy for Tai. It's like that book I read in ninth grade that said, "'tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people." (Scene changed to outside by the pool. Cher's phone rings.) CHER Hello? MEL Do you know what time it is? CHER A watch really doesn't go with this outfit, Daddy. MEL Where are you? CHER Uuhh, just having a snack with my girlfriends. MEL Where, in Kuwait?! CHER Is that in the Valley? MEL Cher, I expect you to walk in this door in twenty minutes. CHER Well, um, it might take longer than that, Dad. MEL Everywhere in L.A. takes twenty minutes. (Cher hangs up the phone.) (Scene changes to outside front of party house.) CHER Sorry to make you leave, Dionne is bucking for best dramatic actress at a Val party. (Tai laughs.) CHER Hey, Summer! SUMMER Hi! Pretty random fiesta. Need a ride home? CHER That'd be great! Thanks! ELTON No, I got it. SUMMER Well, I'm right below Wilshire and Lindon. TAI Oh, that's right near me! I'm, um, above Olympic. ELTON Great! Then, Tai you'll go with Summer, and Cher you'll come with me. CHER Actually, you could take Wilshire to Cannon and that turns into Bennedict. ELTON Well, then she'd have to go back south and I'm already going north. CHER But, you could take Tai on your way up to Sunset. Yeah. ELTON That doesn't make any sense! I'd have to get off the freeway, I hate that. Tai, go with Summer, Cher, you'll come with me. Watch your feet. (Each get into respective cars and wave each other goodbye.) SCENE XX - ELTON'S CAR "Away" The Cranberries (Elton is singing along to music. Trying to be sexy, but he fails miserably, the sleazy bastard!) CHER Didn't Tai look cute tonight? (Elton just sings.) I really love her hair when it's all wild, you know? But it's also very pretty when it's all up, with that curly tendrils. Like in that picture I took. ELTON You know, you're one of my best friends and I do not have friends that are girls. CHER Well, I'm glad, because your happiness means a lot to me. ELTON It does? CHER Sure. I mean, I saw how hard your breakup with Collette was. ELTON Yeah. I think we both know what it feels like to be lonely. CHER Whatever. The thing is, is that I'd really like to see you settled already. (Elton pulls the car into a parking lot.) Where are we going? (The car stops.) ELTON I knew it, I knew it. (Elton makes a pass at Cher.) CHER Oooh, you knew what?! ELTON That you were totally sprung on me. CHER Hello?! Don't you mean Tai? ELTON Tai?! CHER You have her picture in your locker. ELTON I have the picture you took in my locker. CHER Ohh, I'm having a twin peaks experience. ELTON I knew it, I knew it when you kissed me. CHER Suck and Blow is a game, Elton! (Elton has another go at Cher.) Stop it! ELTON Alright! You know, I don't get you Cher. I mean, you flirt with me all year. CHER As if! I have been tryng to get you together with Tai. ELTON Tai?! Why would I go with Tai? CHER Why not? ELTON Why not? Why not?! Don't you even know who my father is? CHER You are snob and a half. ELTON Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai, I mean, we don't make any sense, right? Me and you, well, makes sense. (Elton tries for Cher, yet again.) CHER Cut it out! ELTON C'mon. CHER Stop it! (Cher gets out of the car.) (Watch Cher compose herself after getting out of the car. i.e. the head movements and sound effects.) ELTON Cher?! Where are you going? You're only hurting yourself here, baby. C'mon, you gonna walk home? Would you get back in the car, please? Get back in the car. CHER Leave me alone! ELTON Fine! (Elton drives away. What a prick!) CHER Hey, where are you going? Shit! (Cher whips out the phone and dials) OPERATOR Valley information. CHER Yeah, do you have the number of a cab company? OPERATOR Which one? CHER I don't know which one. What do you have out here? OPERATOR We have Valley Cabs... ROBBER Hand it over. (Cher squeals/moans) Give me the phone. (Cher complies) OK. Bag, too. C'mon! Alright, now, uh, get down on the ground. Face down. C'mon! CHER Oh, no. You don't understand, this is an Alaia. ROBBER An a-what-a? CHER It's like a totally important designer. ROBBER And I will totally shoot you in the head. Get down! (Cher whimpers as she lies down on the pavement) Alright, um, count to a hundred. Thank you. CHER One, two... CHER V.O. The evening had turned into a royal mess. Sexually harrassed, robbed. I didn't know the number of the party, so I couldn't call Dionne, and Daddy would kill me if he knew where I was. There was just one person left to call, and I really, really didn't want to call him. (Cher dials up Josh's place. He's trying to get it on with his girlfriend) JOSH C'mon. (Phone rings) Hello. CHER Josh, you busy? HEATHER Who is it? JOSH It's Mel's daughter. CHER So, OK, I was at this party, and my designated driver tried to attack me, so I got out 'cause we'd stopped, and then he drove off and deserted me, and then this guy with a gun held me up, took my money, and my phone and he yelled at me and he forced me to ruin my dress. JOSH OK, OK, look, um. Where are you? CHER Sun Valley. JOSH Man, you owe me. SCENE XXI - JOSH'S CAR "The Ghost in You" Counting Crows HEATHER The man is ridiculous. He doesn't have one unique thought in his little, puny brain. JOSH I think there's some merit in learning the form straight off. 000820 ... cher SCENE XXIV - CHER'S HOUSE CHER V.O. Suddenly, Daddy had a case that had to be solved right away, so some clerks and Josh came to help him go through a gazillion depositions. (The doorbell rings) CHER (from upstairs) Daddy! MEL What? CHER I can't just open it, I have to make him wait a while. MEL Then he can wait outside. CHER Josh, pleeeaaase! (Who could resist that?!) C'mon, Josh? C'mon. (Josh opens the door. Christian walks right in) CHRISTIAN What do ya hear? JOSH She's not ready. (The two of them walk over to where Mel is working) CHRISTIAN Hey, man. (Christian extends his hand, but Mel ignores it) Nice pile of bricks you got here. MEL You drink? CHRISTIAN No, thanks. I'm cool. MEL I'm not offering, I'm asking you if you drink? You think I'd give alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out? CHRISTIAN Hey, man. The protective vibe, I dig. MEL What's with you kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack? (Cher appears walking down the stairs. Josh and every male in the audience is stunned) CHER Christian. CHRISTIAN Doll face. CHER Handsome. CHRISTIAN Stunning. JOSH (to Mel) You're not letting her go out like that, are ya? MEL Cher, get in here. CHER What's up, Daddy? MEL What the hell is that? CHER A dress. MEL Says who? CHER Calvin Klein. MEL It looks like underwear. Go upstairs and put something over it. CHER Duh, I was just going to. (Cher runs off) MEL Hey, you?! (Christian turns around) Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you. (Cher reappears) CHER Bye, Daddy. C'mon! (They walk out) CHER It's so killer! CHRISTIAN Thank you. Your dad is pretty scary. CHER Isn't he? CHRISTIAN You like Billie Holiday? CHER I love him. CHRISTIAN Right. "Miss Brown To You" Billie Holiday (They drive off) JOSH I didn't like him. MEL What's to like? JOSH I think I should go to the party. MEL If you feel like you should go... JOSH You don't need me, do ya? MEL No, no, no. JOSH I mean, unless you want? I mean, unless you want? MEL Josh! Go to the party. Go, go, go, go. JOSH OK. I'll watch her for you. (Josh walks off) MEL You do that. SCENE XXV - THE FRAT PARTY "Someday I Suppose" Mighty Mighty Bosstones (Everyone is just dancing. Tai enters) CHER Tai! (Tai falls down the stairs on her butt! Classic!) Oh, my God. Tai, are you OK? TAI God, shit! That is so embarassing! CHER No, no one saw. TAI Now, all night long, I'm gonna be known as that girl who fell on her butt. CHER Tai, no one noticed. "Where'd You Go?" Mighty Mighty Bosstones COLLEGE GUY Wow! Are you OK? That looked really bad. TAI Yeah, thanks. (Tai spots Elton dancing with Amber.) Oh, my God, Cher, look. He's going with Amber?! CHER No, he's probably just dancing with her. TAI Do you think she's pretty? CHER No, she's a full on Monet. TAI What's a monet? CHER It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber? CHRISTIAN Hagsville. CHER See? CHRISTIAN Dig this. They're charging for brewskies. Cash me a five, I'll pay you back. CHER Sure. (Christian kisses Cher on the cheek) CHRISTIAN Thanks. (Christian walks away) TAI He is so cute! CHER Oh, my God. Do you see how he is falling in love with me? (The girls watch Christian shrug off an interested girl) I mean, look how he ignores every other girl. TAI Oh, God, look. There's Josh. CHER V.O. I didn't even see him come in, but it's like he finds the only adult in here, like he's deliberately trying to not have fun. (Watch the look on Cher's face as she's waving. Truly legend.) TAI Cher, I have a question. What do you think I should do with this thing? Should I, uh, like tie it around, or put it over my shoulder? CHER Tie it around your waist. CHRISTIAN Ready to slide? TAI Thanks. CHRISTIAN Let's go. (Christian and Cher return to the dance floor) CHER V.O. The band was kickin', and Christian was the hottest guy there, but my enjoyment was put on pause when I saw how unhappy Tai was. (Josh walks over to Tai, engages in small talk, then asks her to dance) CHER Oh, look, look! Josh is dancing with Tai, he never dances. CHRISTIAN I can see why. CHER No, he's doing her a prop so she won't feel left out. CHRISTIAN Oh, I dig it. (Time passes. Cher, Tai, Josh, and Christian are left. Christian is still dancing by himself) "Here (Squirmel Mix)" Luscious Jackson JOSH How are you guys holding up? CHER We're so ready to leave. TAI I'm tired. CHER Let's get Christian and go. Christian! You wanna go? CHRISTIAN Now? These guys here have got the skinny on the happenin' after hours. CHER My trainer's coming really, really early this morning. CHRISTIAN Oh. JOSH Look, I could take the girls home. CHRISTIAN No, it's OK. CHER No, I'm fine, stay. CHRISTIAN You sure? CHER Yeah, sure. CHRISTIAN (to Josh) Thanks, man. You got my marker. (to Cher) You are a down girl. I'll call you tomorrow. SCENE XXVI - JOSH'S CAR CHER That was really decent of you to dance with Tai tonight. JOSH My pleasure. CHER You notice any positive changes in her? JOSH Yeah, it's under your tutilage she's exploring the challenging world of bare midriffs. So you didn't want to make a night of it with the ring-a-ding kid? CHER Yeah, Daddy wouldn't go too ballistic, it's not like he's going to sleep or anything. JOSH No, not if they're going to finish those depo's. CHER Hey, you what would be so dope? If we got some really delicious take-out. I bet they haven't eaten all night. JOSH That would be pretty dope of us. Let's do it. SCENE XXVII - CHER'S HOUSE CHER V.O. The midnight snack totally revived the lawyers and Daddy was way grateful. MEL Mmm, Meat! CHER Meaty oranges and you get a lot of vitamin C. (Mel picks up a large sandwich) Daddy, no! Daddy, no. You know you can't have that... MEL Cher, c'mon! CHER Don't be silly. CHER V.O. I know it sounds mental, but sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go partying. Maybe because my party clothes are so binding. JOSH Look, I'm just curious. How many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself? CHER Some people are not lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are. JOSH Stop it, you're making me blush. (Phone rings. Cher answers) CHER Hello? GAIL Hi Cher, how are you? CHER Hi, Gail. GAIL Is my son there, cleaning out your refridgerator? (Josh motions a "No" to Cher) CHER No, no, he's not here. You should try the dorms. GAIL Alright, bye, hon. CHER Bye-bye. (Cher hangs up the phone) What was that all about? JOSH She wants me to come home for spring break. CHER So, what's the big deal? Nobody will be in school. JOSH Yeah, but husband number four's at home and his whole idea of acting like a family is to criticize me. CHER So, what? You're just going to roam around campus for two weeks all by yourself? JOSH I don't mind. CHER That is stupid. Why don't you just come here, you can have your old room, and there are going to be some great parties. JOSH I don't know. CHER Why not? JOSH You got your whole social world going on, I don't want to get in the way. CHER you won't be in the way. JOSH How much fun would it be having a brother-type tagging along? CHER Josh, you are not my brother. JOSH You know what I mean. CHER C'mon, you need some excitement in your life. It'll replenish you for your finals. JOSH OK. CHER Good. JOSH I can't believe I'm taking advice from someone who watches cartoons. CHER That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential. JOSH Do you have any idea what you're talking about? CHER No, why? Do I sound like I do? SCENE XXVIII - CHER'S HOUSE (Theme from "2001:A Space Odyssey" is playing while camera is focused on phone. The phone rings) CHER V.O. Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time, that meant Thursday. So, you can imagine my astonishment to hear from him while I was packing Daddy up. CHER Hello? "I Believe I'm You" Gail Orange CHER V.O. He said he'd come over with some video tapes and we'd watch them. A night alone with Christian! I sent for reinforcements. Then, Dee and I had to design a lighting concept, and costume decisions. I don't rely on mirrors, so I always take polaroids. Whenever a boy comes, you should always have something baking. CHER Oh, I'm still all red. DIONNE Well, I'm trying to make you as white as I can, Cher. Look, you're all flushed. You have to calm down. OK? Calm. CHER You know, I am so glad I never did it with someone I had lukewarm feelings for. Christian is brutally hot, and I am going to remember tonight forever. DIONNE Blot. (Later) (The door bell rings. Cher opens the door) CHRISTIAN Hi. CHER Hi. CHRISTIAN Is something burning? CHER Oh, my God! (Cher runs to the kitchen. The bake was fried) CHRISTIAN Oh, honey, you baked. CHER I tried. CHRISTIAN C'mon, show me the rest of your pad. (Cher and Christian are outside among Mel's art collection) CHRISTIAN Your father has a well-rounded collection. CHER Daddy says it's a good investment. CHRISTIAN He's absolutely right. Klaus Oldenberg. CHER Oh, he's way famous! (Christian approaches a different sculpture) CHRISTIAN This is older, see? Transitional. A very important piece. CHER Um, do you want to go swimming? CHRISTIAN Hmmm, let's watch the movies. CHER Oh, OK. (Scene moves to Christian and Cher lying on bed watching "Spartacus") CHER V.O. Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis, so he brought over "Some Like It Hot" and "Sparaticus". (Cher starts rubbing her feet up against Christian's legs. Christian doesn't enjoy it) CHER My feet are cold. (Christian puts a pillow over Cher's feet) Thanks. CHRISTIAN Oh, watch this part, this is good. (Cher falls off the bed while trying to look sexy. Too funny.) Are you OK? CHER I'm fine. Do you want some, something to drink? You know, I could get you some wine. CHRISTIAN No. You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy. CHER That's OK. CHRISTIAN I'm actually getting tired. CHER But, um, I could make you some coffee if you'd like? CHRISTIAN Oh, no thanks. Got the ulcer. CHER But you had all those cappucinos before? CHRISTIAN Oh. Well, you know, that was, like... foam. (They move to the front door) You're great. We're friends, right? (Cher nods) Knock me a little kiss. (Cher kisses him on the cheek) I'll see ya. (Christian leaves) CHER V.O. I don't get it. Did my hair get flat? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? What's wrong with me? (NOTHING!) SCENE XXIX - MURRAY'S CAR DIONNE Nothing! Maybe he really was tired! CHER I suppose it wasn't meant to be, I mean, he does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship? MURRAY Get back into the right lane. What's the first thing you do? DIONNE First thing I do is, I put on my blinker. (Dionne accidently turns the wipers on) Oh, wait, shit. MURRAY Watch the road, watch the road! DIONNE Alright! Stop. Then, I look in my mirror. OK, then I glance at my blind spot. MURRAY Glance with your head, not the whole car. I swear to God, I swear to God, Woman, you can't drive for shit! DIONNE I'm not trying to hear that. MURRAY Hear me... CHER Actually, going all the way is like a really big decision. I can't believe I was so caprecious about it. Dee, I almost had sex with him. MURRAY You almost had sex with who? CHER Christian. (Murray cracks up) DIONNE What? MURRAY Yo, look. Are you bitches blind or something? Your man, Christian is a cake-boy! CHER & DIONNE A what?! MURRAY He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streissand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying? CHER Uh-uh. no way. MURRAY He's gay. CHER Not even. MURRAY Yes, even. DIONNE He does like to shop, Cher, and the boy can dress. CHER Oh, my God. I am totally buggin'. I feel like such a bonehead. MURRAY What the hell? Yo, you're getting on the freeway! DIONNE What?! MURRAY Yo, turn right! Get out of the lane! Don't go. Forget procedure, just get out of the lane! (Both Cher and Dionne scream) MURRAY Truck, truck, truck, truck! Ahhh! CHER (screaming) You're on the freeway! DIONNE What do I do, Murray? MURRAY Go straight, go straight, go straight! Just relax and drive, baby! Just relax and drive. (An old lady gives them the finger) CHER (screaming) Shut up! Shut up! (Lots of screams from everybody) MURRAY Whatever you do, keep your hands on the wheel, at all times! (A huge truck closes in on them. Murray sees it) Aaahhhhh!!! (A lot more screaming from the three) Turn to the right! Oh, there it is. Alright, we're off. Damn, you did wonderful. Sorry, baby. CHER You did it, Dee! MURRAY Relax, relax, relax, relax, honey, relax. Baby, relax, relax. Breathe, breathe, breath in, breathe. Let it out. Breathe, breathe, breathe, honey, breathe, breath. Relax, relax. CHER V.O. Boy, getting off the freeway makes you realize how important love is. After that, Dionne's virginity went from technical to non-exisistant. I realized how much I wanted a boyfriend of my own. 000820 ... cher SCENE XXX - THE MALL CHER V.O. Not that Christian wasn't a blast to hang out with. He was becoming one of my favourite shopping partners. CHRISTIAN ???????? Um, where's Tai? CHER Oh, she met some random guys at the Foot Locker and escorted them right over there. TAI (in distance) Oh, my God! Did you see... CHER I don't know where she meets these Barnies. CHRISTIAN I have a question, alright? CHER What? CHRISTIAN The jacket? Is it James Dean or Jason Priestly? CHER Carpe' diem. OK, you looked hot in it. CHRISTIAN Really? TAI (with the barnies) If I fall, would you guys catch me? CHER Could we please be more... generic? (Tai screams) TAI Stop it! Please! Bring me back up, please! Bring me back up. (Tai screams a little more, then Christian rescues her) TAI Thank you. CHRISTIAN You asshole! BARNEY #1 Hey, man. We're just joking. CHRISTIAN Oh, really?! Someone could get killed. (Tai runs over and hugs Cher) TAI Cher, you don't understand. I was just sitting there and I was just talking to those guys, and then, all of a sudden, we were laughing, and... CHRISTIAN Hey, are you OK? TAI Yeah. CHRISTIAN Are you sure? TAI I'm fine. Yeah, uh-huh. CHRISTIAN Let's get you home for some R&R, huh? TAI What's that? (Christian laughs) CHER V.O. Boy, considering how clueless she was, Tai certainly had that "damsel in distress" act down. SCENE XXXI - SCHOOL CHER V.O. Meanwhile, back at school, everyone was talking about Tai's "brush with death" at the mall. STUDENT Was it, like a montage of all the scenes in your life? TAI Not exactly a montage... SUMMER Hey, Cher! Is it true some gang members, like tried to shoot Tai in the mall? CHER No. SUMMER That is what everyone is saying. CHER Whatever. STUDENT When I was nine, I fell off the jungle gym, that's when I saw this light, you know? TAI Wait, wait. Move down for Cher. DIONNE Hi! AMBER Tell me more, tell me more. TAI Where was I? AMBER You were thinking about was really important. TAI Oh, right, right. Right before you die, your mind just sort of gets very clear. It's a very intense, spiritual thing... CHER Well, I know when I was held at gun-point... STUDENT Excuse me. (to Tai) You were saying. TAI It's spiritual. I don't know, I can't, I can't pinpoint the spirituality out for you, you know, if you've never experienced anything... SCENE XXXV - CHER'S HOUSE CHER V.O. But now I don't know how to act around him. I mean, ordinarily I would strut around in my cutest little outfits and send myself flowers and candy, but I couldn't do that stuff with Josh. (Cher and Josh are in the lounge watching T.V.) JOSH What's with you? CHER What do you mean? JOSH You're so quiet. You haven't made me watch the real world? CHER I care about the news. JOSH Since when? CHER Since now. (T.V. shows scenes from Bosnia) JOSH You look confused. CHER Well, uh, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East. (Scene changes to Mel's Den with Cher walking past the door in her pyjamas) MEL Cher, get in here! CHER What's up Daddy? MEL What are you doing, dancing infront of my office? CHER Nothing, I just wanted to see if you needed any help with anything. MEL Yeah, you caould help me with something. Come over here. Every time that you see a telephone conversation that took place on September third, highlight it. just September third. CHER OK. MEL Fun, huh? CHER (laughing) Yeah. Daddy, did you ever have a problem that you couldn't argue your way out of? MEL Tell me the problem, and we'll figure out how to argue it. CHER I like this boy. MEL Yes? CHER And he likes someone else. MEL How could that be? CHER I don't know, but I feel wretched. MEL Well, obviously this boy is a complete moron. You are the most beautiful girl in Beverly Hills. And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want you with a stupid fella like that. CHER Well, actually he is a smart guy and, you know he's one of those do-gooder types, and now I feel like all my after-school commitments are just not good enough. MEL How can you say that? Who takes care of everyone in this household? Who makes sure that Daddy eats right? To tell you the truth, I have not seen such good-doing sice your mother. CHER Really? MEL Really. Now get back to work. SCENE XXXVI - PISMO BEACH DISASTER CHER V.O. Later, while we were learning about the Pismo Beach diaster, I decided I needed a complete make-over, except this time I'd make-over my soul. But what makes someone a better person? And then I realised, all my friends were really good in different ways. Like, Christian, he always wants things to be beautiful and interesting. Or Dionne and Murray, when they think no one is watching, are so considerate of each other. And poor Miss Giest, always trying to get us involved, no matter how much we resist? MISS GIEST Oh, it's just, that doesn't even show... you know, every single possesion, every memory, everything you had your whole life... gone in a second. Can you imagine what that must feel like? (Elton raises his hand) Elton? ELTON Can I use the Pass? MISS GIEST Yeah. We'll be collecting blankets, disposable diapers, canned goods... (Cher raises her hand) CHER Miss Giest? MISS GIEST Cher? CHER I wanna help. MISS GIEST That would be wonderful. CHER V.O. I felt better already. (Back at Cher's house) CHER Daddy? MEL What? CHER You didn't like that red caviar, did you? MEL What's she talking about? (Cher starts dragging a heap of stuff to the front door) MEL Cher, what are you doing? CHER I'm captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief. MEL I don't think they need your skis. CHER Daddy, some people lost all their belongings, don't you think that includes athletic equipment? MEL This is your influence, Josh? (Scene changes to sign-on stall at school) "Shake Some Action" Cracker CHER Hey, c'mere. Sign up, it's going to be really fun. (Scene cahnges to indoors) No, you know what? Can you please take it to bedding? Yes, thank you very much. Oh, Miss Giest, Miss Giest. MISS GIEST Yes, dear? CHER I need more boxes, they're all filled up. MISS GIEST Already? Great! CHER I divided them into entres and apetisers. MISS GIEST Oh, OK, I'll have them picked up. TRAVIS Hey. CHER Proper. This is really decent of you Travis. TRAVIS Sure. (Cher picks up a Bong from Travis' box.) I wasn't sure about that. I don't need it anymore, but far be it from me to deny anyone else, you know? Oh, I wanted to tell you something, I'm sorry about your shoes. CHER What shoes? TRAVIS The red ones with the strappy things? CHER Oh, those are so last season. What even made you think of them? TRAVIS Well, it's one of my steps, you see? I joined this club, and there are these steps... CHER Twelve? TRAVIS Yeah, twelve! How'd you know? CHER Wild guess. TRAVIS Wow, good guess. Ah, also, here. (Travis hands Cher a flyer) CHER (reading) A.S.L. ? TRAVIS Ameteur Skateboarding League. This clarity thing has brought me to, like a whole new level with my skating. You gotta see it. Would you come Saturday? CHER Sure. TRAVIS Cool! CHER (holding up bong) Well, um, I guess, kitchenware? TRAVIS That's where I used to keep it. SCENE XXXVII - A.S.L. COMPETITION "Mullet Head" Beastie Boys (Tai approached Cher at the drinks stand) TAI Hi? CHER Hi. TAI Cher, can I talk to you a minute? CHER Um, sure. TAI Look, I have been in agony the past week and I can't even believe that I went off the way I did. CHER No, I have been going down a shame spiral. I cannot even believe I was so unsupportive of your feelings for Josh. TAI No, you are entitled to your own opinion, alright? I'm the tart here. Cher, you've been nothing but super-duper nice to me. CHER Not even. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have even liked that loser, Elton. I'm so sorry, Tai. TAI Cher, I'm really sorry. Oh, shit. Now I'm going to go ahead and cry. CHER Let's never fight again, OK? (Cher and Tai hug. Travis is announced on the P.A.) PA Next up, number fourteen, Travis Berkenstock. (The girls sit down, excitedly giggling and pointing to Travis.) TAI Alright Travis! CHER I had no idea he was so motivated. TAI Oh, I did. CHER V.O. When I saw the sparks between Tai and Travis, I knew Josh was out of the picture. SCENE XXXVIII - CHER'S HOUSE JOSH You look like Pippi Longstocking. CHER Well, you look like Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking? JOSH Someone Mel Gibson never played. CHER Funny. (Cher lets her hair down, and Josh is dumbfounded by her beauty) LAWYER What happened to the August 28th files? JOSH Hmm, what? LAWYER Mel wanted them tonight, there were twice as many. He's gonna go ballistic, where are they? CHER I think I checked them for the September third conversation. LAWYER What? JOSH Where'd you put them? CHER I divided them into two piles. Is that wrong? LAWYER Oh, my God. I have to redo all that. What are you, some kind of idiot? JOSH Hey, she didn't know. LAWYER She just set us back a day. Who cares about the September call? Now we're screwed! CHER I'm sorry. LAWYER Just forget it, OK? Just go back to the mall or something. (Cher runs out of the room) JOSH What's your problem, man? She didn't mean any harm. LAWYER I'm gonna get killed because she's a moron. JOSH She's not a moron. You know, if you were paying attention to your assignment, it wouldn't have happened. LAWYER Well, if you hadn't been playing footsy with the dumb kid, she wouldn't be bothering me. JOSH What the hell are you talking about?! LAWYER You know exactly what I'm talking about. Josh, this is a multi-million dollar law suit, not some excuse for puppy-love. JOSH Look, we've been working our butts off on this case! LAWYER Well, tell you what? You do whatever you want with your butts, I'm calling in sick. (Lawyer leaves while Josh slams the door behind him. Cher is sitting at the top of the stairs) CHER Did I really ruin Daddy's law suit? JOSH No. (Josh moves up to sit beside Cher) Of course not. CHER Well, did I set him back? I mean, there's so much work to be done, and he can't afford to lose that time. JOSH Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it. Your father won't lose any time. Can you imagine the nerve of that guy? I mean, making you worry like that, and yet, he's the one that screwed up and then he goes and blames us. Imagine saying we were... you know? CHER That's right, you've been very dedicated to this case. JOSH Yeah, well, it's a good learning experience, at least for me, I want to be a lawyer. But you, I mean, you don't need to be doing this. Go out and have fun, go shopping. CHER You think that's all I do, I'm just a ditz with a credit card? JOSH No, no, ah, that's not what I meant. (Josh just stutters a bit, looking for the right words) You're young and beautiful...and... CHER And? JOSH And, well, uh, what? CHER You think I'm beautiful? (YES, YES!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES!!!!) JOSH You know your gorgeous, alright? And popular, and, um, and... but this is not why I, you know, I come here. This is a good learning experience for me. CHER You already said that. JOSH Mel, I wanna help out Mel. He's the only one who cares about me. CHER That's not true. JOSH He's not? Are you saying you care about me? CHER Josh. (Cher goes to hit his shoulder, but he catches her with a kiss. Good move!) (Both like it. So they try again.) CHER V.O. Well, you can guess what happened next. SCENE XXXIX - THE WEDDING CHER V.O. As if! I am only sixteen, and this is California, not Kentucky. (Mr. Hall and Miss Giest get married) TAI I know, that when I have my own wedding, I want this, like whole entire floral motif, very floral garlens... floral dresses. DIONNE No, no, no, no. When I get married, I'm gonna have a sailor dress, but it's going to be a gown, and all my bridesmaids are gonna wear sailor hats... with vails. TAI That sounds so cool. MURRAY Oh, my God. They're planning our weddings already. Could you all stop all that to death do us part mumbo-jumbo. I'm telling ya, man, I'm completely buggin'. JOSH I'm buggin' myself. (Miss Stoeger runs on the scene) MISS STOEGER Girls! She's about to throw the bouquet, c'mon! (Miss Stoeger, Dionne and Tai run off) JOSH (to Cher) Look, we got a pool going to see who's girl gets the bouquet. It's up to two hundred dollars. CHER It's in the bag. "Tenderness" General Public (All the girls are jumping around waiting for the bouquet. Miss Giest/Mrs. Hall throws it amongst them. The bouquet exchanges hands and they all fall down. Classic scene! Cher ends up with it.) (Cher and Josh kiss. It's the one scene that I'll never get out of mind for the rest of my life. Simply awesome lip-lock!) END CREDITS "Need You Around" Smoking Popes (Sheesh! Finally. Well, I hope you enjoyed the script. Now be sure to go and watch it repeatedly. If you have already done so, watch it again! Bye-bye!) 000820 ... Arwyn did you really have to blathe this? 020810 ... . . 030619 what's it to you? who go blather from