pleasedrivefaster you're predictable [in general] and i reach to hug you and you half-hug back with a predictable grip and when you walk down the hall i wrap my arm around yours and pull and wait to see if you'll pull back and i pat you on the head when i think you're upset and check for recogntion in your eyes.
i'm used to your reactions sometimes pushing me away sometimes nothing sometimes pulling me in.
so when you lean your head on my shoulder and tell me that's how you'll always be you throw me for a loop and i don't know what to do aren't i the one who touches and leans on and hugs and holds and when do i let go when do i move where do i put my arm do i comfort you or just let your head rest there?
Shugarhi You leaving was unexpected. You took my hand and promised to love me and made me feel pretty and loved when everyone else failed. But then you gave up... 010517
j ---
was luv coming to me. or was it luv or just lust (hah!) or just a lie! would u do that to me? dunno. i never knew u. if i know u will u die? will i? will i leave? will u? will they? if u know me will i die? will u? will u leave me or me u? or will be "just be friends".. right. they say luv's cuming is unexpected. ha! what do they know? pompuous pontificating blather... ho hum.. does any1 know the rest of the work keenabalataba---------? [its unexpectedly long]
heart rot sometimes it's like i don't want to be with her
and then all at once i miss her so hard and i want her to come over unexpected and make me take back what i thought
because it turns me on when they have their edge on me
endless desire my mum lets me blather for hours on end. she never lets me be online that long. she says it's a bad habit, etc. it is just not like her. and i asked her, out of pure curiousity, why she lets me blather for so long. and she replied (with her therapist answer) simple and sweet,
"because, ellyn, i think it is good for you."
i asked her what she meant. she told me that it was a healthy outlet for me and that it will help me with the "problems" i face in my life and such things. at first i was bitter with the answer and her saying i had 'problems' and the way she thinks i am living an unhealthy life to begin with.
but then i realized how right she was. blather is healthy for me. i am expressing myself and i am releasing my frustration and sadness through words. even if no one wants to hear it. because the point is, i am expressing myself. i am becoming "healthier." when i am in a foul mood, i blathe. and it seems to make it all better again. so thank you blather. i sincerely thank you. and all that particpate in it.
lou wow did that throw me through a loop, seeing him there. yikes. it was so weird. like i hadn't seen him in years, even though it's only been a few weeks. maybe it's because i never expected to see him again... perhaps i had hoped he would just disappear.

truthfully, i don't know what i want anymore.

but it was so weird, i was left speechless. which, upon reflection, is probably a good thing because i would've said something stupid. so i guess you haven't just walked off the face of the earth...

you have no idea how much havoc this thing well wreck in my dreams tonight...
nonlucid life is unexpected - every single day is unpredictable, unscriptable, ungrokkable, subtly or radically different from another - perhaps the degree of difference is where the living lies 040708
oren The medal I_won this weekend. 081005
unhinged intoxicated nakedness
but no sex
just tongues and hands
kerry there is morning glory tying pale green knots around my front rail. the flowers are like purple velvet. i know it's a weed but i'll let it cover the house if it wants. i did not expect it to burst from the sidewalk, uncultivated.
i did not expect the email i read several times while my coffee got cold and the dogs were already tired from wrestling and teeth-gnashing
and later in the van with wes wearing our ridiculous orange vests, underpaid, bitter, allies. on the bus listening to jonathan richman, don't miss your stop it's too hot to walk.
unexpected is not necessarily unwanted
but i have learned from experiences both bad and not-bad to take my time responding. so i digest.
blather is like a a city i used to visit in my dreams. i knew the streets and alleys and where you could buy a hotdog and a shake at midnight, and at a tiny cafe on a street where the buildings are pink quartz, they serve espresso in tiny cups and have a shelf of zines.
blather is kind of like that city. it is blurry but so familiar to me. time stands still: what's written cannot be unwritten.
collecting arranging thoughts carefully.
dafremen Expectations are the enemy. 210726
what's it to you?
who go