leaving amy leaves. 000108 ... Joana. He is leaving today. And I can't stop him. I can't tell him what I feel... because that will only make things worse... I miss him... I feel sick without him... And I can't tell him that. The music coming for that house reminded me of him... it had flutes and a beautiful violin... so very Irish... My eyes turned red, as I stopped the tears from coming and my mother asked, alarmed as she was, why I had become so suddenly depressed. Why? Because HE's leaving. That's why. You don't know him anyway... you wouldn't know. 000109 ... Verdulum I'm not leaving until you let me stay. 000221 ... Zoe well ... i'm leaving today. going back home, or whatever you want to call it. i probably will never see this place agian. i only stayed here two weeks, yet in that time i've made best friends. i will try to stay in touch, but who knows how that goes. GOODBYE all, i love ya! 000722 ... unhinged i will see my precious pages sometime in august if i can't find a way to one of these sorry machines in the interim. 010623 ... snif on a jet plane? 010623 ... tiny snapdragon the trick to leaving in a huff is to resist the temptation to peek over your shoulder to see if anyone noticed. 010710 ... OuT Fine leave. Everybody just leave. Fuck you all. 010723 ... unhinged it's hard to believe that i've been here for a month and in less than a week i'm leaving. at times it has seemed to be painfully slow here and i missed so much but at other times like on the fourth of july when we were all together getting drunk and high it was a beautiful thing with a group of great people. i've learned a lot about my violin playing here. and dr. kartman even invited me to come here to study with him which is great but i'm not quite ready to leave y_town and my free undergrad. he was right when he said that at the end of a month it would feel like i had known them my whole life. and nothing can really beat shostakovich (at least of the things i worked on here). maybe someday i'll come back but in the meantime i'm looking forward to leaving. where i can hug my brother again and hear my boys. the only disadvantage is i have to leave jake, robert, and sarah behind. 010724 ... firefly effect it is too soon 010805 ... (London) smoke lingers on your fingers trying to heave on to Euston and do you think you've made the right decision this time (oh) you left your entire family grieving and you think they're sad because you're leaving (but did you see the jealousy in the eyes of the ones who had to stay behind?) and do you think you've made the right decision this time? you left your girlfriend on the platform with this really ragged notion that you'll return (but she knows that when he goes he won't be coming home) and do you think you've made the right decision this time? (all apologies to the artist and the publisher) Morrissey/Marr 010805 ... Christy So let's climb up atop the high hill (if you'll play Jack, I'll be Jill) and I'll waste all my sweet time stripping down your armor as I author my own rhyme. Then we'll roll back down to the bottom again--leaving intact our respective crowns, silver with giant emeralds and tiny gems of ruby red, making us somehow invincible: proclaiming we two as the chosen few, the only ones who'll leave this lonely ghost town. Together. 010910 ... Fire&Roses I never want to leave you But the day just won't stay I never want to miss you Please don't let the light fade When we leave let's go together Just singing in the sun Boy you know I love you I think that you're the one 010930 ... squint trick is to stay in a state of constant departure. 020803 ... littleidiot should i stay or should i go now? staying is hard. leaving is hard. not doing anything is pretty tough too. 021121 ... unhinged i would like to think that there is one more season of my discontent inevitable change staring me in the face a barricaded end to a dead end street steel constructs rusted by endless tears and red scars in the cold my scars stand in relief on my pale skin i had haunts on all four sides the common thread of addiction tying them together the eastside ghetto the northside park the westside recovery home the southside drug house but even after i leave i will come crawling back to youngstown the dark corner of my mind alive under the sun the seasons of my innocence a fleeting dream before i knew youngstown this barricaded end to that dead end street beauty struggling to stay alive amongst the broken disrepair of humanity a grey cloud hangs over the valley shrouding us all in a mist of tears i found myself in a bar in the eastside ghetto shrunken but still fighting the blinking light outside my bedroom keeps me awake at night sometimes late at night a fire truck leaves the station on the corner and the screaming wakes me up i have laid in my bed praying to god for fresh air and the strength not to choke on my own vomit in my sleep i always keep the blinds shut but this is the end of the season of my discontent slowly the idea of hating myself becomes repulsive and sleeping past 10am makes me feel lazy the day of judgement passed me by but i am thankful for the grace to walk away even if it is undeserved i finally gave someone the most wonderful gift and there are blooms blossoming in my heart pale white and blood red in relief on my icy soul the cruel road leads to a beautiful place someday i will be an accurate reflection of the person i now want to be and i will come crawling back to youngstown on bleeding knees to cry with the grey clouds 030531 ... x finally relief. 030601 ... etoiles (fuck this) (i'm leaving) you have the right to know that fucking would require buying me dinner (you make no sense) everything i say makes perfectly fine sense. (no it does not) what i am saying is perfectly coherent. just because *you* don't understand doesn't mean it doesn't make sense. just because you say it "can't" instead of "kant" doesn't mean that's how you say it. *can't v. kant* in the state of new york (your audience. the one with whom you are supposed to be communicated, transmitting knowledge of one sort or another) in the burger court, it was determined that those who possess - posess? posses? possess? - ovaries tend not to have testicles straddling their brain (*communicating) you have the right to know that you are a living contradiction: LET ME READ MY POETRY AT SLAMS! LET ME BE A LITERARY GENIUS! BLAST YOU WHEN YOU DON'T MAKE SENSE, YOU FOOL OF LANGUAGE AND TRICKERY! (oh to hell is this) don't you mean OH WOE IS ME? i'd agree with that, at least "let me return to my abode to live out the most treacherous of lifestyles through books" you have the right to remain silent. (if you're not going to talk normally, i have no time to try to decode the meaning of all this) 030901 ... . . 040302 ... white_wave I'm leaving blather now... But I'm sure no one gives a damn... 040302 ... lou_la_belle I'm leaving, leaving, leaving, going forever. don't start looking back, not yet, not yet. I cant take the memories, it was too much fun. wanting to stay in the enveloping safety, yet curious... I cant start now, I'll never finish. I cant stop now, there's so much more to remember, to relive, to revisit, to reinact. I just cant get over the fact that I'm leaving, leaving, leaving, forever. 040513 ... dani he's leaving in 3 weeks. only for a month or so. hopefully he won't find another while he's there. 040518 ... gwendy what if he doesn't follow me when i go? not because he doesn't want to but because he isn't strong enough to move. 040601 ... Syrope leaving always sucks when there's someone you leave behind to sleep. it's partially why i feel bad about sleeping over when you have early class. but sundays i think it's worth waking up and getting to watch you stretch and snuggle, and you're all warm from being under the covers, and your skin's so soft as always... and when i crawl out over you you feebly reach for me but are snoring again by the time i lean down to kiss you. you're so fucking cute. and by the time i'm dressed and ready to go you've fought your way out of the covers & are laying face down sprawled across my bed. and then i have to come touch you, kiss your back and run fingers down your spine. and the sun is just starting to find its way solidly through the blinds...if i had a mouthwatering naked man in my bed every morning i don't think i'd make it to a lot more of my classes, but i like it. one day i'm going to take pictures :-p 041004 ... BitterSweetDream You're leaving. You're really going. The bottom of my world could fall out. And you didnt even care. 041111 ... no reason was a lot harder this time there wasn't the same kind of excitement as there was in the beginning and there's a lot more to miss and i'm unsure about what i'm doing and what i want and i'm always sick and i can never sleep and everyone is so far away maybe this is just a january thing 070109 ... no reason i'm going to leave this 070109 ... sisyphus it is strange how one is either here or there, but the process of leaving is constant, fills up every hour, influences every day. we are leaving we are leaving and we no longer know who it is that is here or who it might be that is there. 070816 ... unhinged i wonder if you thought twice about leaving me behind. as evil as it is, i hope it hurt. 080726 ... unhinged (but what i failed to realize back then, like seasons always do, another season of discontent will be sure to roll back around) 080726 ... unhinged i'm pretty sure you're leaving this winter and while i'm mostly jealous i really just want to give you the heart on my sleeve 081117 ... unhinged (and now my reflection is more accurate than it used to be finally my age is starting to bring wisdom) 110812 what's it to you? who go blather from