y_town unhinged a dead steel town on borders of so many lives. i talked to her mom and she said there used to be all kinds of movie theaters downtown but everyone got scared and no one goes there any more. cafaro and debartolo really know how to run a town. i wonder how much they actually run. mob ties run deep i suppose. they closed down the mental institution and threw out all the schizophrenics on the street. everyone on campus knows the crazy lady with the layered clothes that walks around singing to herself asking for change with her little lace skirt. and the caped man with the fisher price cassette player that used to stop at the tables outside of the burger king and ask for change before they shut it down. wick park was full of big tall oaks and acorn caps and crackheads. maybe i'm getting better at the violin here in y-town. i'm not sure. but i know a lot more than i used to. i know how to down a whole bottle of peppermint schnapps and keep it down, the beauty of drugs that he abhorred, the comfort of the blade. you can see it in all their eyes. everyone that has lived here their whole lives. y-town is just a shell of what it used to be all the people too. the little girl at the rescue mission that clinged to me and tears came to my eyes. frank's eyes...they are all hollow. they say if ltv shuts down that cleveland will end up just like y-town and everyone gasped. not another y-town...not another y-town. 010108 ... MollyCule going to see some show at cedar's (probably ivet) and it was three AM, we drove through y town past the crackheads and the hookers . . . hollee checked to door locks at every red light . . . i was born in this town, you know. in that hospital right over there, one named after some saint no one cares about anymore. 010109 ... unhinged MOLLY MOLLY MOLLY every day that passes brings me closer to you my dear the full moon is beautiful tonight and all the pretty stars.... 010109 ... unhinged this is my home now every crack in the sidewalk familiar the fences and trees and stoplights this is where i live this is where my heart is every day i'm on the corner of spring and wick waiting waiting for the light to change waiting for the snow to fall waiting for the courage playing my life out in small pieces i remember you i'm happy now maybe that's why you don't recognize me 010118 ... unhinged FUCK YOU everything is so damn complicated opening up the steel mills would clear up everything about the clouds i just want to become a hermit; just me and my violin; then the truth won't alienate me from friends anymore. 010121 ... unhinged this is me stepping out into the cold with this plastic smile on my face so that you don't ask me what is wrong because you don't care if i told you that every day i felt like jamming pins through my eyes you would label me a 'freak' and walk away disgusted if i am not lost in a corn field i_am_lost in a post-industrial wasteland every night the_last_thought that runs through my mind before i fall asleep is that is a shame to go to sleep only to wake up again the next day i have set my maximum life expectancy to sixty years of age that's right: i don't want to live past 60 and you sat on your bar stool sipping your $5 pitcher and labeled me a 'freak' but you don't understand what it feels like to need outside motivation to get out of bed in the morning you don't know the weight that fuels my disgust i don't want to live dirty, broken, addicted but it is already a hole i keep falling into any more than 40 more years of this stuff seems insanely cruel to me eternal life --- that would scare the shit out of me i hope that heaven doesn't exist for me i never see that dull look leave his eyes every window is boarded up every street sign is bent and hangs crooked the salt of winter makes us grimy a perpetual layer of dust that clouds our vision trudging through the cold and wet and dreary you don't know the weight your ego places upon me i would write you a suicide note but the karma of guilt would haunt me in the bardo find me somewhere clean far away from this unreality 030227 ... unhinged ltv shut down. the future of cleveland in thirty years scares me. it was just beginning to feel like home the pitch of my cough as i hurtled poisons down my throat the gleam of his eyes as he came down we all were comforted by the individual gloom i began to feel like i owned the place life so simply complicated nothing so completely wrong as the gleam in his eyes the ringing of the clock downtown empty deserted streets lingering pasts of dirt we liked to check the progress of collapse it was our pastime hobby we were all comforted by the permeating disease we danced our tango in the falling leaves falling lower falling deep we clung to each other in our sickness falling complete lowest than low the sickness itself a comfort as numbness stole the life in our eyes the tiny christmas lights making glitter in the dirty snow we clung to each other with nothing left to know falling complete the highways a circle with no way out it was just beginning to feel like home 030920 ... crimson you lose most of the decent cleveland radio stations about fie miles outside of youngstown. well, there really are no decent cleveland radio stations. but if there were... 030925 ... crimson ** five miles 030925 ... unhinged there actually is a pretty good cleveland radio station now...i don't remember the station number anymore though...it's not 92.3 because they just play a bunch of loud annoying 'rock' (yeah right) maybe it's closer to the end of the fm dial. i can't fucking remember anymore but i was duly impressed when they played hurt by nin and they played a good mix of rock from the early 90s when rock was actually rock with some good new stuff that's been coming up in the recent past, and i'm not talking about the easy listening alternative rock of the early 90s, i'm talking about ROCK. but yeah, youngstown is in the radio station black hole; too far from cleveland and too far from pittsburgh so all you get is rap and country stations. the radio in youngstown especially sucks. 030925 ... crimson I think you are talking about 100.7 (WMMS, I think) Maybe that's not what you meant. It's an ok station. Better, yes, than many Cleveland ones. 030927 ... unhinged no, actually i wasn't talking about 100.7 although that's the station i listen to most. it's a different one. i can't remember..... 031024 ... unhinged funny how hip_hop 's my thing now and even back then we would roll around listening to warren_g after she started dating pj 100612 ... paste! greek hot dog stand owner (BC 510-452). caught a javelin in the buttocks. sold his sandals to some sophist whose lecture on rhetoric went in one ear and out the other. hammer of zeus, he cried. may the parthenon fall from the heavens on thee! barefooted, sprayed mustard all over the togas of many, including zytoclimograsty the funky slave trader and speedothenes the lycra peddler. 101215 ... unhinged (i haven't been back there in years; i like to keep some distance between us but i still occasionally listen to_my_boys ) 101216 what's it to you? who go blather from