sickness chanaka what a blanket word......my entire wing is sick...they cough, they sneeze, they drip. spread that sickness around! gleefully i walk through the shivering masses. i have my fill of sickness--i am never physically sick because i always deal with other's mental sicknesses (or my own). it's a great trade... 001127 ... miniver I am a little bit neurotic about, like, dirt and cleanliness and stuff. But not very consistently. Just foolish and unreasonale and randomly, it seems. Baths, for one. Don't like those things. Definitely a shower person. Dirty dishes and dirty dishwater. And, mold. Oh, eternal wretchedness. I smell foods before eating them -- bread, particularly. And, not just "sniff", either -- I said smell. So, the other day, my mom was telling me that now fungus is really becoming one of the major health concerns. Did you know mold can start growing inside a person's lungs, if it is breathed in? Man! I didn't know that, I just hated the stuff without even thinking about it. But, now I feel prophetic for having been smelling my bread, all along... Haha. Hah. 001127 ... amy hm. i was just thinking that something smells weird over here by the computer. my plant, this cup, me? probably because i haven't cleaned for like six months. no big deal. you should see the refrigerator. i never get sick, either. I got tired and depressed covered, but no actual illness. occasionally i get a headache, too. i think i take a painkiller- i can't remember. 001127 ... layla perfect 001212 ... lost_2 for a long time i would just lie in bed and cry...it wasnt because I lost him, it wasnt because they didnt care. It wasnt because my mom hated me, it wasnt because my world was falling apart. I was used to all of that. But i had never felt so empty. I had never cut my arms so much and still found no relief. Something was wrong with me something deeper than my soul and I didnt know what to do. I lied in that bed for hours on end, trying to convince myself that there was no god and if i killed myself I wouldnt go to hell. I would just dissapear. And god knows that had been my only goal for the past year. I just wanted to dissapear. But for some reason, I coundnt do it. and I prayed that nite more than I have ever prayed before. I fell asleep And in the morning I felt real. I wasnt numb anymore. Within the eight hours, my world had changed. I wasnt Sick anymore. i know that the pain was still there, and still is there but I didnt feel like i was empty, I felt like a real person and that was the best feeling in the world. MAybe Im still sick and maybe I am not over it but I know i am alive...and the depressing sickness has left me, at least for awhile. 010715 ... harumi it's the feeling of "not feeling well" it's also having an illness that weakens the body but for some people, it's the feeling when they see someone they hate, or something that's gross, or maybe something they can't accept 031011 ... Glory Box i want so hard to reach inside and root it out, digging madly and finding what hurts and pull hard, snapping synapses and if i could i'd eat this alive to save you the fire of it. in your absence there is a hole shaped like you (shaped like you handing my tiny flowers on a balmy day) and the shadow of you inside it. what i can do is sing this illness away, and hope that the combined goodness of my voice and will and your two hearts fused in faithfulness with vanquish whatever lies breathing wetly in your aching chest. o mi cariña... 031202 ... barefoot revolutionary it is my ailment. this yearning. the fear. how do i stop it from crippling my soul? does it ever stop? does it go away? theres no way to tell. noone to ask. it stays with me every minute. every thought leads to it. i cannot escape it. i need to erase it. there is no logical way. how do millions of people constantly deal with this? just continue on with their lives? i just cant. 070129 ... re_alisma in seattle, i only made one good friend, and that was too demoralizing, so i left. but the official excuse is i got pretty sick. although i don't know how long i had been getting that way, i don't think that particular city was good for keeping me away from it. also, could have been the decisions i made while i was there, like not particularly wanting to go to the bars or whatever. nonetheless, the reasons i got sick are much less important than the attempt to get better, successful or not-so-much. in other words, my history truly isn't heartbreak. it's about lacking connection and getting sick. And both of these points can be improved upon and are definitely not irreconcilable. The reconcilability of my life, then, leads to lots of unfinished relationships which imply, in themselves, new life. see the logic lock right in to that? 101018 what's it to you? who go blather from