aching kendra found a new outlook. there is no god. just nothing. things will. be nice. when. i. am. dead. 001127 ... miniver When I started reading more existential crap, that was sort of hard, I think. I didn't really notice then. Changes in one's perspective or outlook are difficult to notice as they occur. But I guess I'm the kind of person who never walks away from anything entirely unaffected. A certain sort people listened to me back then, too. We would have philosophical, pseudointellectual sort of debates, and I was good at that, and I may have convinced a couple people of things that I don't necessarily agree with anymore -- but I think those people still may. Regardless, though, it usually comes down to whether you want to be optimistic or pessimistic about it all. No matter how skeptical your skepticism becomes. I don't know many people who believe in philosophies of pure horror -- who believe SYSTEMATICALLY that there in absolutely nothing worth living for (or even worse). But, I guess, the whole lack-of-ultimate-meaning thing can make that worth a little bit more difficult to see, much of the time. And it makes it easier to slip into pessimism. Or sometimes depression. Optimism and pessimism are interesting. So is skepticism, actually. They are "ways of thinking". They are ways of thinking about philosophies. They are philosophies. But, they are also states of mind (which certainly includes emotion). So, when I say it still comes down to optimism and pessimism, I don't think a person is stuck on either side. People have moods. People have good and bad experiences, which tend to alter moods drastically and unexpectedly and fast! Like I said, those changes are difficult to notice as they occur. Or, at least, they are difficult to understand. And maybe it's foolish of me to even mention the difficulty in their being "appreciated". Maybe I've grown an appreciation for my sadness as a sort of protective mechanism. Maybe that's been a bad thing -- taking the 'learn to live with it' approach, instead of the 'fix it' one. Like taking painkillers instead of correcting the cause of pain. And, instead of any sharp recognizable ache, leaving a persistent, interminable buzz ever in the back of my mind. Very like that, in fact. Only much more psychotic, somehow... 001127 ... emmi just aching not caving in i guess that's how i should see it? not a stab in my heart not even a scratch just aching just take it 051220 ... aching aching 131013 ... unhinged blank_mind_aching_heart it is fall the nights are cold my shoulder aches with it i need cuddles 131014 ... unhinged . 140626 what's it to you? who go blather from