depression Nate Higgins Nothing | can / stop - me now | cause / i - don't care | any / more - | | | | /| | | | | / | | | | |/ | 991030 ... gunshy depression is what happends when you can't close your eyes anymore 991214 ... JTR Hey pig nothing's turning out the way I planned... 991214 ... apr!l if i break down now, what will i almost do tomorrow? 000129 ... spamboy the good thing about depression is that you get to stare death down in the face; whether it be from a knife, gun, bottle of pills, etc., and you get to give him shit. and he cant do anything but stay and listen, because he has to be there in case you go through with what you planned. a captive audience as it were. 000304 ... girl fun little catch phrase i wont let myself catch it 000327 ... Midnight Bliss is something hard to deal with, something caused by a buildup of emotion. it's an emotional drought. help me out of this hole... 000402 ... MollyGoLightly Is it contagious? 000402 ... Brad I hope not molly. I hope stupidity isn't either. 000402 ... calliope i think it might be contagious. when i'm depressed it seems to catch and takes a while for everyone to get over. 000406 ... MollyGoLightly Hmm...I know about this. It's telling someone over and over that they need professional help. AND they refuse. AND refuse. AND refuse. All the while trying to drag you down with them. Depression is frustrating and not worth the trouble. Avoid it. Go play in the sun. 000413 ... Christy was where I lived when I stood before the mirror and hated the reflection. It was only when I finally opened my eyes that I saw something worth loving. It's so easy to revel in the darkness, believing the blindness is reality. 000427 ... birdmad "is it any wonder i can't sleep all i have is all you gave to me" 000427 ... jennifer sunlight makes me ill and lethargic d.e. 000427 ... grasshopper don't beat up on yourself. good things come and return from whence they came. they have never been ours. enjoy what you have when you have it.. there's always something that helps. 000502 ... lisa_is_bionic Happiness is only a day away. 000526 ... Al is dark.....mostly just darkness, ugly thoughts entering your mind, with ugly beginnings and ugly ends, help can't always be found- a psychiatrist isn't the answer i believe. 000703 ... silentbob when you are sad for an elongated period of time, depression ensues. it's like a disiese. it is a quiet rainy sadness. cold. lots of angry writing and lack of eating. just tons of emotion pouring out of everything you do. you never really open your eyes all the way, just slit lids, all the time. No matter where you are, there's one thing everyone can connect and relate to. You walk into a room of 40 completely different people and just say "Depression" you'll get the same response, like, "Oh yeah, been there" and all that shit. everyone thinks they wrote the book on depression and that no one has seen what they see, because, maaaaaan they've been through some gnarly shit. People that say "Oh! I never get depressed!" You're a liar..and you're boring. Henry rollins is cool. 000705 ... Mary Don't do it. There is a better answer- Even if you can't see it yet. There will be someone to love you- Even if you haven't met them yet. There is always hope- Even if there's nothing to hope for yet. Always something for you in life- Even if you have not lived it yet. 000713 ... klarchen That draining feeling inside of me that absolutely refuses to go away. Just when I forget that it is there, it comes back with a venegance, ready to saturate everything that could be something with emptiness. And I pray for the rain. 000713 ... eruth be To JTR is Pig Bodine a friend of yours ? 000723 ... Aaron it's the feeling that trys to eat at me from the inside out. but you can't get me down. cause it don't work like that, hey depression, i'll kick you ass. come get some. 000805 ... silentbob Decorated Sorrow 000805 ... birdmad seething tearing twisting me from the inside out rearranging my emotional furniture like some deranged metaphysical interior decorator on crack damn 000805 ... guitar_freak depression is something you can never escape an evil a darkness an underlying fact a terror an illness that stays on your back a scary thing that I succum to it is an enemy that never lets you forget your misery your pain your heartache your life 001011 ... d ... will be only 2nd to heart disease as the world's most debilitating disease by the year 2020 - according to the World Health Organization. 001012 ... startfires tick, tick, tick... % * & ^ % $ # @ 001012 ... jennifer (crimson_piles) oh. hello there. i can't say i've missed you, because you've never left. why are you so resistive? twelve, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12, antidepressants later and yet you plague me still. we should be on a first name basis. we could be lovers. you wake up with me every morning. you sit in my pockets and on my shoulders and breathe every breath that i breathe. you greet my friends. you read my essays and my review questions. you write in my journal. you live in my paint. you sleep with me, through the night. waking me when you're unhappy. 001022 ... stupidpunkgirl over generalized disorder what i have... an excuse to not do anything to be mean to get out of math class but not worth it for what i have to put up with lost friends lots of tears sharp objects pierce loniness darkness and death 001219 ... twiggie is hitting me worse now. i hate it and i want it to go away. 001219 ... kx21 the burst of emotional, economics, etc. bubbles. 001220 ... guitar_freak fuck depression. I am so fucking sick of it. three attemps at death, yet still no freedom. therepist after therepist and med after med. it plagues me every day. year after year. it never ever ends. If god never gives anyone something they can't handle, then why is their suicide? 001222 ... deadporn* i have no escape from depression..i just am i dont know why either..i have one thing i live for anymore and that is my dear sweet boyfriend whom i love extremly with all my wretched gray heart...but actually to tell you the truth..i love being depresed i love misery it is my sweetest friend..i love it to deth...the darkness and hate one feels inside wen depressed the emotional fear ...just the depressed feeling..the feeling of wanting to die..deth itself i love..im completly fucked i know i do not want help i do not want to git treatment for depression because i LOVE IT..people complain they want out of it..why? what about it do you not like? you cut yourself to escape the inner pain? why it doesnt do anything! i used to cut myself to escape the inner pain but i have no inner pain!ive never been abused ive never been raped...you people who have a true reason like that to be depresed should be glad taht you are depresed and dont have a stoopid reason for it in fact i would jsut damn well like to be abused i love the pain....ok well this is going no where so ..e.rm bye 001229 ... Megan Genetic in my family, like a lot of families these days. My mom says it gets worse in winter cuz of lack of sun or something... ok, yeah, fine. I hate how some of the symptoms aren't even being "depressed". They're called being lazy or antisocial or whatever. And I hate it when people are all like, you're "just" depressed. Those are the people I know who have never been depressed, truly depressed. The kind of depression where logically you can think you're gonna get out of it, but you never really know for sure. The kind that can go on for months, where the only thing keeping you from offing yourself or falling into a world of drugs and isolation is the thought that eventually your life will come back and won't you be sorry. The kind that has gone on my whole "adult" life, and I don't even really want to get out of it. Because I am depressed. Depression is part of who I am now. No amount of drugs or therapy will change that. When people tell me they're depressed or have clinical depression, I always wonder if it's the same as mine, or even how it could be different. I wonder if their emotions are as intense as mine, and if the indifference is as confusing and disorienting to them as it is to me. 001229 ... twiggie at first they told me i was only depressed because of the situation i was in and that it would go away within a few months. the situation is long gone (years), and i'm more depressed than i was. i never was depressed about a certain situation. it was never because of a boy or because i had to move or because i was mad at my parents. i just was. they didn't even bother to look in my family history to see if maybe it was genetic. they didn't ask or seem to even care until months and months later, then they found out that yes, it was in both sides of my fucking family. i'm so sick of people asking me what's wrong and then saying "oh you're just depressed". i'm sick of teachers telling me that it doesn't matter how much anxiety a certain class brings to me, i have to take it, unless i have a medical condition. i HAVE a fucking medical condition you dicks! just because i'm not having goddamn heart attacks doesn't mean that i'm doing fine. i hate taking medication for it. i feel like i'm putting something unnatural into my body to make me "normal", to offset how i'm really feeling, how i'm really suppost to feel. i don't think i've ever taken it long enough to actually make me feel better. i just make myself think that -this pill is going to make me happy today-. 001230 ... kx21 Level / degree of depression is directly proportional to the size of e-bubble, i.e. emotional bubble. Don't create and blow or attach to any e-bubbles. And you will be free from depression and as free as a bird. 001231 ... kx21 i_can't_sleep without the bubbles... 010101 ... kx21 In particular, e_bubble. 010101 ... Quiggz Hey, I was there, I was on the edge once. And I'd say it's gonna be alright, but I know from experience, that words don't matter, they're just empty. Just words. All I can do, for all of you out there, is hope you make it through, and try to get you to believe that, no matter what, there's always gonna be at least one person pullin' for ya. I'm hoping for you all to get through it, because I know what it's like, and, no matter how many times it's been said, death is not the answer. It only makes other people feel bad, and those of you who are really depressed, I know you wouldn't want anyone to feel the way you do. So keep on pushing, day by day. That's how I did it. Remember, we're all in this together. 010102 ... COLDandBLUEkitty a dream world. where you can't see behind the fog. it rarely lifts.. and when it does- hurricanes arize it it's place. it numbs you. and becomes familiar. almost a friend that you're not sure how to live without. a lifetime of shit. years of numb. i still.. can't feel anything but my neas.. and if i say ouch.. or this hurts.. it's out of habit. odds are.. i can't even feel it. the numb's so bad.. i once cut myself so deep that i hit a blood vessle. and didn't feel it.. or care. it bled for three days straight. and i'm not talking about like a normal cut produces blood.. i mean.. like towels soaked with blood through the course of a day.. a box of gause was soaked though in 10 minutes.. and i just slept. sadly enough i woke up. and i'm left with one of my only visible arm scars. fuck it. it's not a disease.. you either are.. or you arn't. like.. you either have blue eyes or brown eyes. fucK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 010103 ... guitar_freak Words don't matter? how can you possibly say that? Words make all the difference. When you are depressed and truly depressed how do you communicate that to anyone or anything? You don't just stare at a person and expect them to understand. It takes a truly gifted person to be able to completely understand one. Seriously, if I did not have my words, i would be lost. Lost without anywhere to take comfort. books would not exist, how would we learn from the great philosophers before us? Where would we find common knowledge and understanding? arg!! 010228 ... grendel the impact crater resulting from my plummeting morale in this place this week 010228 ... 13lueee the other morning i woke up and layed in bed for an hour thinking about my life...i had been good until then but something was telling me that i had to so i did, it had been a long time since i had actually cut myself i think, because david tries to check my arms now which means i can't lie to him about anything. I guess it made me feel better but then i started crying i'm not sure why exactly but i started to feel a little better after that. which is kinda sad considering my reasons. But whatever works works right??? 010324 ... vampers sucks ass 010324 ... mmm very much 010324 ... 13lueee actually i'm kinda getting used to it 010324 ... 13lueee is there really something wrong with me??? im' beggining to wonder 010324 ... andronicus its 4 years of life that i spent alone in darkness with a gun and a chip on my shoulder. its 4 years of insanity creeping into my mind and blocking my concentration, making me think bad things. its 18 years of waiting for things to get better, but they never have. its 4 years of losing hope. and soon it will be 5 years.... or will it? 010408 ... Becky She lies awake wondering why she's still here. Why she hasn't ended it. Her life was never like that before this. She lies awake wishing she could be happy even though she knows she should be. They tell her she has everything. They wonder why she's sad when she seems so happy. They wonder why she cries. So she looks at them with pain in her eyes and screams with the silence they can't hear. 010414 ... unique butterfly what i scary thing. i hated it. i don't know if anyone ever believed i really was depressed. yet, i wanted to be dead. i didn't want to live. i cried to hard that sometimes i couldn't breathe. i was mean to people i loved. my grades dropped hard and fast. i didn't want to do anything. i liked being alone. in the dark. no one seemed to understand. i cried for no apparent reason. i was angry all the time. i didn't care about the way i looked. i felt down for days, sometimes weeks at a time. then i'd be ok for a while until another stroke of depression hit and everything was bad. nothing went right in those days or weeks. i remember at one time, they started happening more frequently. i was scared. i could never remember having fear like that before. i still can't. i was afraid of myself. afraid of what i might do. the only reason i never died was because i was afraid of pain and it not working... i was a mess and no one noticed. there's one thing i remember really well. i went to a private school for a year (that's the year i was depressed) and at the end of the year our class went on a trip. we went to a camp. most of the girls in the class hated me and i hated them even though none of this was ever said. well, i had a bad cold over this trip. i fell asleep one afternoon. the rest of them all left me and went off and put on costumes and stuff. they knew i wanted to come along. i had said so clearly earlier that day. well, when they came back, i woke up. they were really loud and hyper and i felt so down. it hurt really bad that they just left me there. it hurt so bad, i couldn't stay in our cabin we had. i went outside, which was wet because it had rained the night before and still sort of was, to the bathroom place. then i stripped off all my clothes and i took a hot shower while i cried. 010603 ... l none of this is real a dark wool to hide under exist in the outside 010603 ... pitiful the porceline of life is filled with the muddied waters of the present as frowns of today cleanse tears of tomarrow, and smiles pass through memories of yesterdays. passed out in a field of sadness i am waiting for memories to return to me so that i can smile once again. 010606 ... unhinged does suppressed independence translate into depression? maybe that's not it, maybe it's the fact that i'm always alone here. sometimes i just starve for human contact. i just hear a lot of bitching and screaming around here. 010606 ... Casey All these fuckin doctors think they know all the symptoms and all the reasons and all the cures. They do this, they tell you that. Fuck them. The only way I found to supress depression is hanging out and talking with people you know you like. Thanks Bobby, Nate, Betsy, and Pudge 010610 ... mmm hello once again old friend.... 010610 ... forever i don't even know i am there becuase i have it everyday. I never smile and when i do not for long. i am sick of it but i can't be free 010613 ... unhinged i used to say that i wasn't going to take pills for this. that i could get over it on my own. that i don't need them. but i think maybe i can't and that i do. if the wonders of science can explain something like this and get rid of it, i guess i'm ready to give it a shot. 010617 ... boredntalking I have been through depression, and am through to the other side for the most part. It is an old friend though, and my experiences allow me to have what I think is a better understanding of the world and people. If anyone cares.. all I have found is that nothing really matters. And it is odd that everything matters when I was depressed. I look back and wonder why I cared about things that are so trivial now. I had the answer to everything when I was depressed. Now I don't know nothing, but am happy. Just go out and do whatever the fuck makes you happy, and tell anyone that gets in your way they can go to hell. 010704 ... florescent light a threshold. crossing from what may be the end of my most care free of days into the 'real world'; into 'adulthood'. quite frankly, it sucks. within this past week, I suddenly feel 10 years older. reaching the mindset of a working person- literally 9-5. it's a step up in my thinking. I can feel the marbles and magic and wonder and beauty slipping away. is it because there are no room for such thoughts? is it because I have no one to share them with? my old thinking doesn't fit into my current lifestyle. I can't figure out why. but I'm not ready to let go. 010809 ... black-dyed gel product it is very difficult to find the balance between free thought and the worker drone syndrome. 010810 ... amy depression will kill your soul away if you believe you have a soul depression will kill your heart away if you once believed in love 010825 ... kx21 What is its temperature:- i) higher than Happy ii) lower than Sad iii) none of the above? 010825 ... tree leaf depression is thinking too much. thinking that the end of your life is far away and thinking you have all the time in the world. its being impatiant and scared to feel anything. its not believing in yourself. losing the magic, the wonder, the life that is STILL IN YOU. breathe in and out. you dont have to know the answers. just experience. thats all that is expected of you. 010912 ... nocturnal fuck. not you again. please go away. you're not welcome here now. please not now. 011003 ... insanity i want to be your friend ... for what ? so you can die ? ... i want you to love me back... for what ? so you can die? ... i want to be loved... and for what ? ... so i can die.... so then, ask yourself, why are you still alive, because we both know that you will never be loved. 011018 ... Aimee I've been here many a time... it never gets any better.... sometimes it seems like a waste of time... but mostly.. I generally don't care... there's usually nothing better to do.. But actually, now I'm happy. Really. 011018 ... TalviFatin Hello darkness, my old friend... 011018 ... god i've come to talk with you again 011018 ... god Once we's out DE JOINT, we faced a hard time in de depressium . . . couldn't get no 'sembly line woik, 'n since de nakkins we's wearin' atch'ly be GROWIN' outs our bodies, we was labelled as 'over-qualified' fo' janitorical deployment! Onliest good thang 'bout bein' a 'MAMMY NUN' is we be mo-less UN-destructable! Whatever dey done whiffed up befo' don't do SHIT to us now! Fact, we jes mights be de onliest thangs left walkin' in de U.S.A., now de MYS'TRY RE-ZEASE gone outa control! 011019 ... ilovepatsajak hey what's up? thanks for being such a loyal friend. 011029 ... a ? 011103 ... kx21 Bombing... 011103 ... kx21 Bombing... 011103 ... KammeO Depression is why God made breathing automatic. You don't have to FEEL like breathing, your body just breaths. Depression reminds me of a set of arking spark plug wires. Some people need a tune-up to get their brain straight. I would not recommend drinking and covering it up with illegal drugs. Wellbutrin seems to be a good thing. One day at a time... 011113 ... whoknows is a bugger 011114 ... whoknows is always fucking there and i cant get rid of it. 011118 ... ClairE I've never had clinical_depression or anything, but I've had years of my life in the red. No matter how fucked up things are now, I'm in the black. I don't let myself get anywhere near contemplating what it'd be like to be back. 011130 ... me? endo602 ever thought of breaking down and stabbing something...or just leaving in the middle of a conference...going a little bit farther out on the edge than you're 'suppose' to...jumping off that edge...hurting yourself...cutting the tender flesh until you can feel the warm fluids pour out of you...stabbing yourself in the middle of a resteraunt...swerving right when you're heading towards the underpass of a bridge...grabbing the wheel and swerving into an oncoming vehicle...2 tons of steel...ripping through you like soft butter... but you don't...and why?...surely you all can't be procrastinators...i know i am...fear...this is what you should fear...you are what you should fear...be like nike...no matter how many ppl you think love you...you are still buried alone...no one but yourself...go for it...swerve...stab...cut...jump...hang...die...you know i would... 011130 ... whoknows i am in the fucking red goddamn what the fuck is wrong with me? 011130 ... rip if you have depression hell yea i think every one has it.i mean its almost a part of life. because noone is happy all the time. and if there is i want to meet them so i can learn from them 011130 ... whoknows me too, rip! 011130 ... chaotic order Depression ... what the hell is it anyway? A word that has become so commonplace within our daily lives. "Oh I'm just depressed" is heard all over. I'm sick and tired of hearing people who say they're depressed 24/7 ... using every lil' excuse as a reason for depression. You want to see depression? I'll show you depression ... depression is losing your parents at the age of 5 ... living with an aunt who hardly cares for you and having the majority of your family halfway around the world. Depression is the feeling of utter hopelessness ... the feeling of bitter solitude and drowning the the deep blue sea with no where left to turn. To hell with your "depressions" ... what do you really know anyway? 011205 ... Sailor Jupiter Well....someone is having a pity party. Take your own advice and pick up your bags and march on. It doesn't matter WHAT has happened to people, what IS important is that they are feeling awful and need a little comfort. 011206 ... Jenna Amen Sailor. 011206 ... sirius Some days I wish I could go back And take another path to stay on track Some day I wish I could turn around And see the way I’ve stumped you into the ground Some day I wish my life was over ‘Cause I never got that lucky clover Some days I wish I could say goodbye But it’s worth another try Some days I wish the world will gain... By seeing my hurt and pain Some day I wish myself in another mind To have the pleasure again of being kind Some days I just don’t want to go on And some days I wish I was already gone 020101 ... Mahayana: Zakah: pills for: +clinical depression +social anxiety +slight OCD tendencies +suicidal inclinations yet their common side affects are: +anxiety +nervousness +nausea +tremors +diarrhea +drowsiness +headaches +increased sweating +trouble sleeping [oh im saved] [[you wanted me on these pills]] [cuz it made you happy] [[i dont know what happened to me]] [cuz it made you happy] [just fucking render me unconscious] [cuz it made you happy] [[you wanted me on these pills]] [oh im saved] [[[meet me ontop of the grass]]] [ill be looking up at you] 020102 ... birdmad stock market october 1929 hoover administration DC almost looked like Tianamen square when old Herb let an armed battalion resolve a protest by a mob of homeless WWI veterans funny in a sick perversely political sort of way that it took a war of monstrous proportions to restore the world economy 020102 ... grendel can you spare a dime? once...a railroad but now it's done 020102 ... Annie111 Vortex. An excuse for bad behaviour. A disease. Self-absorption. Modern society masturbating. I'm tired of hearing about your fucking problems. 020116 ... :( Dont fucking click on the word depression if you dont want to hear about peoples' problems. You're looking for a place to vent, and telling people in here not to complain about their problems. It's like telling us all to commit suicide. Take a damn nap. 020116 ... Annie111 I wasn't referring to the people on this post actually. I was referring to the word, and what it means to me, and if you don't like it, fuck off. Maybe I should take a nap; too many people are yelling at me right now. 020116 ... I need a nap too oh sorry! I got kind of irate! If you saw it from my POV then you probably would too. Friends?? [extends hand] 020116 ... left hanging 020117 ... daxle like robert plant in the song remains the same 020117 ... bloodshotglass I'm not even sure if I'm alive anymore. I can hear my lungs inhale oxygen and my arteries pump blood. My conscience conceals untruthful convexities. I still support germinating thoughts and idealist questions. I could check off boxes on a list for life requirements. But I still wouldn't be convinced. 020117 ... Annie111 [extends hands] Friends. see also leave_blather 020117 ... Annie111 [extends hand] Friends. see also leave_blather 020117 ... blamethesky 5 years and going strong. medication not helping anymore now that i've taken to drinking. 17 and so much ahead in my life. 17 i'll i want to do is die. slowly killing myself with the chemicals i put into my body. not worrying about it anymore. 020118 ... j_blue i_like_that 020119 ... kill rhythm you know what? im done with this depression shit. its been almost 5 days since we broke up, but he sure is working fast. you know...i see the old him. not the new one that loved me. when he is sitting next to her, not even acknowledging my presence, and im supposed to be his little sister, his best friend, i see him as evil. anyone see the movie a clockwork orange? he looks like alex. alex when he is thinking of an evil plan. 020417 ... blown cherry red/depression 020418 ... Sailor Jupiter Wrapped up in a wet sheet can't break out can't breathe can't see the light Left to struggle until you realize it's no use You need someone to help unwrap you 020418 ... mahayana if only depression had glass we could all {see} through it ][if seeing is believing, than please take my sight, i believe, i believe, make a witness of me no longer][ 020418 ... . i cant make sense of anything i see. your body movement and empty words distortedly feflect my awkward actions and....emptiness. your so predictable that your not even real to me any more. i control you with a thought....or so it seems. NOTHING MATTERS so why the fuck cant i snap back to reality. what is real? "yes mom i've been taking my thorazine". i think im coming back to reality now. FUUUCK take me back....take me back....i cant deal with this reality. too much paranoia...the whole world is out to get me. sweet depression i long for you. when your with me i have no fears, no worries, no cares....except for death. when your with me I JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK. i will await you to come back again....so that i wont give a fuck again....so that u can set me free 020418 ... werewolf good out 020418 ... no reason i thought thorazine was only for schizophrenia... 020419 ... . it is 020420 ... Kate "He must be the most depressed person in the world," my brother says, his eyes scanning my countence. "Does he ever smile at all?" I said that you did, but I remember the time that you wouldn't smile at me because I wouldn't kiss you. And now I wish I did. 020420 ... .blekk.tchynah.dol. i didnt smile in eleven years. all those years of crying myself to sleep just so it would seem okay the next day. kept telling myself that if i let the tears out then maybe i wouldnt be so sad tomorrow. body feeling heavy. head sore. eyes tired. insomnia. depression. OCD. SAD. asthma. unable to breathe, and drowning in my own sorrow. kept telling myself that no one else cared. and in a way... it was true. they all hated me all threw things at me at lunch all hit me hurt me .. then raped me. and now i fall back into depression just because happiness doesnt feel right. ive felt this pain for too long to give it up now. 020519 ... optic discretion even when the world is at its dimmest, remember that there is always hope, no matter how hard it may be. remember that there's always someone somewhere who loves you and cares about you. smile for tomorrow shall be a new day. 020519 ... Daria Optic has been taking too much prozac, enjoy your depresion, it can be cool, and sexy(you knew I was going to say that) 020520 ... Soulbird misery loves company eh?Depression can be your only friend sometimes but then u have to say bugger off i want my life back and go outside and get some sun.Things always seem better when the sun is out.thats why i hate winter soo, i think i should move being in canada sucks. we have way too much winter, finally after we chase away the blues and bitchiness summer is over and winter is here again to start another joyous cycle.then there is always food it makes u feel better. at least for awhile but then u get fatter which makes u depressed more, so then u eat which leads to more blubber so then u get get depressed and on and on it can go. So i rather go in the sun stay skinny and depression free. thats it im moving to a warm place year round... 020611 ... Daria In what country do they say bugger off? Thats just strange unless you from whales or england or some a thing like that. 020722 ... myplasticmind pain. numb. nothing. everything. dead but alive. why am i still fucking alive? lost. confused. agony. blood. tears. afraid. its dark again, and all i can feel is the demons inside me. their laughing and singing and they tell me " you are nothing." and i agree, but pretend not to. it's just not the same when you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face, when you know you lied yourself to sleep to make it better. but why is it not better? trapped. 020827 ... blue star I'm not hungry anymore. 021024 ... ~gez~ why am i even here 021103 ... littleidiot zoloft...one of those people who tries so hard to be your friend, and in doing so, effectively does the opposite. i can't stand that fucking pill. 021112 ... shimmerblizzard therapy for depression is not beating the shit out of the sufferer. it does not involve mental games. nowhere should verbal abuse be found. hey, congratulations. you were the reason why i bought more bottles of pills, just to try and get away from you. and you thought you were helping me. i'm sorry i wasn't grateful enough, really. 021125 ... *silent screams Fear takes over even my happiest thoughts. -Depression lingers- Am i sad this time, or am i just alone agian, it's getting so hard to tell, and even harder to escape. Why must i try to break free when in the end I know it will be the only thing holding me up? Tidal waves of depression hold me under suface level. I've lost my will to fight, gave up this struggle long ago. I get yanked around, dragged under, and sufficated, why try to fight my biggest fear, when itz my fate? 021206 ... *silent screams I will destory u I will destory the life u live, and the life u could've had I'll destory everything your reality consists of. I am u, I am your depression. Kill me and u kill part of yourself. Love me and u'll be giving into the cruel realities. fight fire with fire and u'll get burned 021206 ... *silent screams A bittersweet state of mind...that comes to mind all too often. A never-ending, never-answered question that keeps moving in different directions.. Is depression discovering the sad underlying of your pathetic life or is it merely a disease that pollutes your mind into hurtful illusions and parania? 030131 ... Eowithien the discovering of the truth of your existence. it is so sad that you are such a sad and small part of the universe. 030220 ... minnesota_chris only to an American. "Guess what, little American! You aren't the most important thing in the world after all! Your thoughts aren't really all that amazing." 030220 ... a thimble in time my inky mind draws circles within circles spilling pouring black splats upon a scattered inner space Where once white crystals speckled now, the light is dulled a darkened fog wrinkles my sight the far is remotely close the near traps me in its distance life lacks taste feathers lick dust off floors apples lose their bite “Stop. Please. Stop. Please.” I try to ignore the incessant current of thought I can’t stop this torture countless words drowning me Words. Word. Words. . . “Here take this. It’ll help you sleep It takes the edge O F F.” I take it and turn into a half-dead caterpillar in a cocoon watching life pass in a television tube It’s still cold outside and inside but now I have my coated pill fake warmth fake carelessness months become minutes until that buried cry shoots out from my inner sky “Stop. Please. Stop. Please.” 030623 ... Flowers from Safeway I have nothing profound to say. I have nothing meaningful to say. I have nothing remotely interesting to say. So why am I still talking? Sometimes I can hate living so much. But this is not my life to take. Leaving it behind would just screw everyone who have invested time energy and emotion in me. I_feel_so_alone 030624 ... a thimble in time You're not alone. I promise. Find the friends you need and start doing the things you love. 030624 ... endless desire it seems safeway has blather's_block. i know the feeling. helpless with nothing to say. but i guess you had something to say. you wouldn't have blathed if you didn't. i always go with blathing about not having anything to say and i quickly find something to say from there. i wish you wouldn't be sad though. i really wouldn't. sometimes when i am in a good mood, it just kills me that everyone around here is so sad all the time. tries to smile to lighten things up. 030624 ... a thimble in time To Miss E.D., Honestly, it was an old poem. I saw "depression" in the recent additions column and figured I would share one of my depression poems. For the most part, I do my best to avoid sad lonesome thoughts. Although disturbing and unfortunate, every mature person has, at some point, come to know pain and sorrow, intense bitterness and lifeless stagnation, the darkened faces of depression. Still, I like to think that Blather allows us to deposit some of these desperate thoughts and feelings. Perhaps by sharing our tears we are able to stand straighter, hold our chins higher, widen our lips into a smile, and go to bed confidant that tomorrow will bring a bit more brightness into the world. 030625 ... Clarey I suffer from it. They call it clinical. I call it hell. & now my Dad doesn't want to help me anymore, so it gets worse, knowing that there's yet another person I thought I could rely on who doesn't care. I thought love was for life. Obviously not xx 030628 ... i promise advice for no-one in particular: don't let it get to you, it WILL pass over, in time. 030628 ... /anon it feels like blue. like uncertainty. like there are no emotions anymore only variations of sad. it feels like hate. fear. alone. anxious. tired. weak. like ive lost myself. like i can never find it. like i can never feel like i did before.'i hate myself and want to die.' im confused, why, what happened to me. all i ever want is to be alone now. i always act so akward around people. i am useless i am worthless i have nothing good to say i am ugly and stupid. i dont know what i feel. but it feels bad and i cant get rid of it so thats where a knife comes in handy. i am a waste of space. i have so much fear and anger and lonliness, and i never do anything about it so it builds up pressure. ah this text is a waste of space. im so pathetic. 030629 ... /anon pointy impliments 030629 ... Mahayana i promise, clinical depression isnt just a phase it doesnt just pass, ordinary from time to time depression my pass however, for most of us inflicted with clinical depression it is [with] you, whereever you go and yes somedays can be better than others, and yes it can be manages and kept in check, but in my experience and within my family [it doesnt pass, except from one generation to the next] 030629 ... Mahayana may* managed* 030629 ... Laura I go through life sometimes im up and sometimes im down. sometimes i feel like everything is alright and i can survive other times i just want to give up curl up into a little ball and disappear. 030805 ... no reason sometimes i really fucking think blather spies on me 030805 ... etoiles* sorry for not greeting you with bells and whistles, you're not that bells and whistles type of guy. (what's that supposed to mean? - what do you care - ) "i'm going to leave then," another empty threat whereas you've done an essentially brilliant job of leaving self doubt. and i'm just asking why it's important: nothing ventured, nothing gained, nothing boring, nothing sane. right right? boy-oy, i haven't gotten my bum squeezed like that, well, ever. you learnèd man of the world, bum means ass, rear, derrier, tush, butt, rear-end, trunk, booty, etc. (booty shaking money making). posess. possess. posses. those s's are confusable. hoo rah, burnt flesh melts instead of burns. saying "burnt" isn't the proper term, but that's ipso facto. and post mortem. (post partem?) your mother suffers from..(something)-by-proxy. 030901 ... etoiles sorry for not greeting you with bells and whistles, you're not that bells and whistles type of guy. (what's that supposed to mean? - what do you care - ) "i'm going to leave then," another empty threat whereas you've done an essentially brilliant job of leaving self doubt. and i'm just asking why it's important: nothing ventured, nothing gained, nothing boring, nothing sane. right right? boy-oy, i haven't gotten my bum squeezed like that, well, ever. you learnèd man of the world, bum means ass, rear, derrier, tush, butt, rear-end, trunk, booty, etc. (booty shaking money making). posess. possess. posses. those s's are confusable. hoo rah, burnt flesh melts instead of burns. saying "burnt" isn't the proper term, but that's ipso facto. and post mortem. (post partem?) your mother suffers from..(something)-by-proxy. 030901 ... blown cherry and despair weighing heavily on me tonight another write off another waste of a night where I can concentrate on nothing but crying even harder. Where is the redemption. Bring on the pain 030903 ... i. i cry and cry and cry and i don't know what's wrong with me and i'm not in control. i hate the feeling of not being in control of what i'm doing. because when i'm crying i'm not doing anything else. and it's not self-centered and it's not self-pity. so many people think so. i can't... i can't not cry. and i don't know what to do with it. 030917 ... when darkness falls the waiting, the anxiety, the hope, the paranoia, the despair, the disillusionment, the sadness, the truth, the inevitable, the death, all the thoughts, come together and mess with my brain, and then my brain collapses, like a house on fire and then the darkness falls 030918 ... mysticspiral I'm just numb sometimes Numb, and not really there A ghost, and i wonder if people see i love being numb I only feel like myself when i am depressed, and ironically i hate myself. 031003 ... nomatter I hate it when my friends talk about how depressed they are. They all need medication to soothe the fucking pain. Come on, what teenager doesn't get sad every once in a while. It's what you make it. 031003 ... tortuous an old acquaintance... keeps you company when your alone says hello to you every morning, when you look in the mirror he went on vacation last year, but not to worry, hes back now. to bad i already have enough roomates... this might cause problems it seems =) 031004 ... ferret tastes like the leftover renderings of mystical black pastels by crayola 031005 ... ClairE Something is seeping into my bones, twisting itself in my stomach and I keep my mouth clamped shut so its name can't fall out. 031014 ... a girl with nothing to say somthing that changes every one in you life if you are depressed if your depressed your friends and family will be to believe me i would know 031017 ... no reason i hate when people who are the least deserving to feel bad feel bad. though i guess that's often the way it has to be he's such a great person, and i had no idea what to say. 031130 ... mak it comes and goes. it's here right now, but i don't know why... i never know why. 040104 ... Kp a hole not so deep at first you are able to pull out though it makes you a bit weaker and the hole a little deeper as soon as you are out you're in its deeper; harder to get out of too sleepy to try stay there a while something amazing; god, how anything seems wonderful a miracle, if you will there is suddenly light then there is time naturally, with time everything turns black and back to the so familiar hole. no light at all this time. just want to sleep. don’t try to get out its all so hopeless now it so dark can't see just sleep just waste away... wait to die just sleep; it is so dark. 040104 ... not important I thought my days of depression were a thing of past. I no longer feel anything as intensly as I once did. No overwhelming gulphs of sadness. But I am numb. And this numbness is only a new mask for the old problem. Now I am thankful for anything that makes me feel. People might think I enjoy being sad. And I do. It feels wonderful. Just to feel something. Just to know I'm still alive, to know that life still means something- that I'm more than an inanimate object. I'm rarely sad. And I wish it mattered more to me. 040131 ... :_) i'm not a religious person, but i'd like to say a prayer whatever higher being that exists. i don't like people to be depressed. my prayer is for all depressed people to be happy and have hope that life can be as good as it was. Take Care! Love :_) 040201 ... nirvanic blind This is what depression is. No proverbs or creative writing. It's a bunch of sentences of bullshit. because I don't have the will to express it. I tried to talk about it to sleep content. But it's all nothing. So, I wont waste my time trying to explain it, I've spent enough time trying already. I just had to say something before I ended another night in the same bullshit way. I just wish I could explain better. 040203 ... minnesota_chris I couldn't describe it better. everything takes too long, with not enough result. 040204 ... j i l l i a n listening to brand new and saves the day always makes me depressed and really bitter i hate being the one in love 040207 ... sahba id die to get some life into me 040208 ... Eowithien Okay, so I actually was slumping around on this page and got through a good section of the beginning...but I have a small attention span for some things, especially when its mainly the same thing being repeated over and over. I used to wonder if I was "clinically depressed" versus just your average teenage depression. Clinically depressed means this has lasted more than a few weeks basically. I can't remember exactly what they said it was, but thats basically. I've been depressed for about a year (almost exactly a year actually), though my parents claim its been a few years, and am finally getting help for it. I don't want the help. Generally, I've found that most depressed people don't want help either. Rather ironic. I don't mind talking to the therapist every week or so; I'd rather not, but its not horrible either. I suppose its better than cutting myself every night. I miss that... It hasn't even been a month, but it feels like ages since I last cut. I only miss it for being able to feel pain, not to "let out my inner emotions," which was previously my excuse. My parents ask me constantly if I'm doing okay, to "talk to us, you have to talk to someone," or to finish my homework. I thought I hated being ignored, but now I hate all this attention that they think will make up for the love that they didn't give when I needed it. But it was too late then. They tell me I can't see the good things. They tell me what I can't see, think, or do. I tell them that I can see those things, think those things and do everything like I did before. But before I was only a little girl...now I'm growing up. I'm lost in adolescence because I was never in the intermediate stage. I went from happy little eighth-grade girl straight into teenager. To the God and Goddess; please help me through this. Remind me that they can tell me all they want, but they can't tell me what they think is true and make me believe it. If you want help, unfortunately you'll have to go out and get it yourself because people are too wrapped up in their own lives to see yours. Good luck. 040224 ... Eowithien (almost forgot all this other crap...) So I like being depressed. So what? I still wish for a normal life, but I know that you can't turn back time and nothing can ever be "the way it was." I'm going on Prozac soon and I'm scared out of my mind. Which is exactly where I want to be; in my mind, where its safe and I recognize everything and its never boring. I need that something to hold onto because there is nothing else. How can I say "Save me Life" when I'd rather it was Death? Its only a trial time with Prozac anyway. I might be able to give it up after those two months, if my parents don't fall back on their word. Which they probably will. See? I could be a normal, depressed teenager if I wanted to. 040224 ... jimmy was hope called that thing with feathers because it's high up in some tree somewhere and flies away if you approach it? 040224 ... civilisation "cant stop bleeding this wounds not healing who wants to live for another day skys are greying who is preying?" :front line assembly 040304 ... madam I believe i have dealt with this, but how should i know. no one ever listened to me, believed what i said, felt. i was the dramatic kid, who cried to much because she wanted attention. but you never understood, none of you. now i sit, here grown, on my own, and i hate you for it, for not really listening and not really seeing what was going on inside of me, and for not trying to help me, because now i feel worse and i have to help myself, it's so hard. i might make it through, who knows..... 040317 ... love & hate I have been pulled into this world i created in my head. A world which i dont want to be in, a world that i wake up to every day. Depression has such a strong hold of me and has had for the last year. I've tried doctors, counsellors, shrinks, hypnotherapists and medication. It doesnt work, i know it doesnt. Once you are there, there is no coming back. No coming back from the lonliness and emptiness that you feel constantly. The tears dont stop falling, even if you want them to. They come at any moment, even you are unaware until your nose starts to tingle and you know they are going to flow. I run away whenever i get that feeling, i dont want people to know how sad i am, they have their own problems to deal with. Everyone is trying to help me but none of it is working. Some try being nice and understanding. Some try ignoring me and getting angry at me to try to stop it. Some try just acting as though nothing is wrong. Something is wrong, seriously wrong with me. It is sending me insane, the constant torment in my head. I find myself sitting in my room with my hands digging into my head trying to stop it from working. Stop me from sinking and wollowing in this torturous mud pool inside. They show on the surgace, the scars it has caused. Alot more than anyone knows except me. Yes, i've tried killing myself but it didnt work. I ate rat poison, i overdosed on sleeping pills, i overdosed on painkillers, i mixed ecstasy with my anti-depressants, i've slit my wrists, but still, nothing works. Nothing can save me, not even death. That is what i dont understand. Death should solve everything, it ends everything. But it wont let me die. Depression has surrounded me, flooded my mind, my body, my heart. All i can do is cry and wait till it is all over. By any means, i just want it to stop. This constant feeling of lonliness and emptiness in the pit of my stomach. Please make it stop, because i will keep trying, keep trying to take my life until this all ends and was one bad dream. But in this world i call depression, i am a slave and have no say. 040424 ... Death of a Rose All I can say love and hate is that can always reach out, e-mail me. I'm at the stage where you are at now. My forarms look like a japanese haiku, i barely got the sleeping pills out of my system before it was too late. I've reached the point where it's either a sanitorium (to be put on suicide watch) or death. I want to fight this, but I've realized I can't do this here on blather. Blather in some ways can be the perfect release for pain, self loathing, searching, whatever.....but in other ways it can reinforce feelings of futility. I hope you can find strength within yourself to stand up and live. I sincrely wish that. 040424 ... Mahayana id gladly surrender 10 years from this life of mine just to ease the depression of others-- but i cannot and this only fuels the depression i fight within me everyday... i know it is not for me to fix, i know it is not my problem to solve, i know i am not worthy enough to be granted these healings that i want to share; however, this does not stop me from wanting i love you guys and mediate on the hopes that someday our sufferings shall be eased with a more understanding and compassionate life 040424 ... Mahayana meditate* 040424 ... love & hate Thankyou very much but there is no need for you to try to help me. For starters you dont know me and you are dealing with it yourself. You have to help yourself before you can help others and it is a good sign that you want to help others. But forget me, i am too far gone to be helped. Help yourself before it is too late. But thankyou for trying. 040425 ... minnesota_chris maybe that's why you're depressed, mahayana. Selfish people are usually the happiest. 040425 ... mr sensitivo why do we love, why do we dream, why do we do the things that we do? because we are, because of those who were, and the spatter of blood that i may become. 040501 ... ofsuch sweet depression. come warm my bitter heart. envelop my existence into your blackness. 040507 ... ofsuch sweet depression. come warm my bitter heart. envelop my existence into your blackness. 040507 ... hsgatincamail stick a flashlight up my butt. 040523 ... Goethe Everything is easier than one thinks. 040714 ... imaskitzo I'm afraid I'll never be able to get off medication for depression 041031 ... me there's only one med that works. only one that will ease your pain, my friend. let go, renounce your hate, whether it be for others or for yourself. turn to the light. find your blood, and find that it's warm. find love, lose suffering, carve the words into your skin and you will realise the inexorable truth. 041101 ... rage if theres one thing i've learnt, its that talking to those close to you doesnt help cure it, it just helps it spread and then the only ones left who care about u realise wat a monster u r and ur left with nothing 041110 ... anonymous loser my life is so empty. every day im sad. i call out for god but its hard to tell if he is with me. ive made myself so unpopular and my personality has been shattered. i dont know or like myself, all i know is im just a confused has-been soul. what can i do? my insecurities are eating me alive. for so long i knew i was blessed until everything went downhill. help me 050204 ... phil you can answer your own question. 050204 ... phil coloring book baseball game hiking trail airplane trip plan a large scale sculptural project study computer coding get a nursing degree write a letter destroy a can of beans with a can of pineapples 050204 ... god depression's got a hold of me depression i wanna break free depression's got a hold of me depression it's gonna kill me. 050205 ... younghem I have this urge to die Nothing more Nothing less But who gives a crap. Not me. Not you. Not anyone. 050209 ... ::dbk:: she, Rebecca... 050209 ... ::dbk:: Rebeca 050209 ... Lila Pause There's always plenty of people to be happy with, but never anyone to be depressed with. 050427 ... falling_alone i live in the city that is #1 one on the most depressed list. 050427 ... Sirius sometimes depression is the only way to let go ... the only way to cope..but if it´s the right way..no one knows 050513 ... Lemon_Soda Mine came from trying to use momentary pleasures for long time pains. 050513 ... Sirius momentary pleasures to cope? That´s a better strategy than mine maybe...but isn´t that painful too sometimes.. 050513 ... emmi i tried to follow hitomi's advice and took a walk in the park today. but i'm not sure if i feel any better now after wandering around aimlessly for an hour or so, watching the happy children and the happy couples and the happy people with their friends and families, having picnics, sunbathing, reading, talking and laughing. i rather felt like i was walking through a storm. 050829 ... tombe_seul it weighs in on me like the wieght of his body pressed up against mine 051012 ... Dozyn2 It takes hold and you cannot escape Dragging you down with every breath Lifting your spirit with every fallen hope Destroying every hope and dream with a feeling Leaving you with a hope for despair 060215 ... Will Nemirow Anyone who isn't depressed, is crazy. There's just so much shit going on all the time. Dick Cheney has his ranch stocked with doves or whatever so he and his rich old friends can go murder these birds for fun, after drinking alot of beer. Meanwhile, bums are starving and cold in cities. Animals are treated like objects and shit. Cows spend their whole life indoors, in a tiny crate, being injected with hormones, and their young are taken from them despite the mother cows moans. All so that we can have cheap meat. Fat kids are ruthlessly discriminated against, popular shits are popular because of their physical appearance and arrogant demeanor. The school supports the popular jocks,and their dates, cocky humor. God, Bush never found any weapons in Iraq, however thousands of people have died, and Ummmmmm...... nothing doing on an impeachment. I get depressed in spikes. When I get a bad grade or someone says shit about someone else because of their physical appearance i get depressed.When I see how whites treated blacks i get depressed. I enter this drone state. I break shit, miss school, drink. Then I snap out of it -- work hard -- and wait for the next spike of depression. 060215 ... yoink makes me not eat much makes me angry makes me paranoid makes me sleep 070624 ... shhhhh ! mmmm ho, ho, ho, if its not santa himself ! 070624 ... myspace.com/earlec I don't know why I'm wallowing in another state of depression. I simply want to get over her, I really do. Everywhere I go, no matter what I'm doing. I hate how this is. If this is how it ends, then I wish it never happened... I know that that is sad to say, but I wish it never happened if all it ultimately brings me is this depression. 070724 ... mcdougall i'll take it if you're giving it away. my paint gets thicker when mixed with depression. 070826 ... Arwyn I'm fucking tired of depression. I'm fucking tired of life. I just need to get away. fuck fuck fuck fuck 070827 ... broken & shattered those i seem to love most are the ones causing my depression. 070827 ... krupt no one understands, yet everyone does... we live in a world of depression. Everyones depressed yet we sit here alone and think to ourselves, "No one else feels this way..." I sit here alone myself and repeat this same line over and over as I stare at my wrists waiting to make contact with the cold blade of a knife. I dont want to be alive anymore, im not afraid of death, yet i hesitate... I drop the knife, I pick up the bottle... it's not as fast as the knife but it kills the pain and my body just as well... I miss you... 080116 ... Overpopul Ace We want to be something special to someone special, but with so many people in the world, it is very difficult to be of such singular importance to the persons we desire. One would think it'd be the opposite - more people, more happy matches... but it seems to be quite the contrary. Most people are always shopping for someone better, to everyone's detriment. Yet how can one blame them? Kids in a candy shop, sugar crashes on the horizon. 080116 ... twiz I need something but i don't know what. I need someone but i don't know who. I need to get away but i don't know where to go. I need answers but I haven't figured out the questions. maybe time is the allcure. maybe i just need time to make this go away. I would kill myself but i'm to afraid of death. I can't contemplate what its like to not exist. my life is a blur. my thoughts are all sticky and disjointed. what happened yesterday feels like it happened a thousand years ago, in someone elses dream. i don't know who i am, i don't know where i am, i don't know whats going on. but a small part of me still knows. my ego is dissolving. my sense of self is dying. I want the whole world to feel sorry for me. I want everyone i meet to be able to tell i'm in pain because it huuuuuurts. i'm invisible. i can't remember yesterday. nothing holds meaning. i can't feel. i'm drowning. i'm fucking freaking out. i think i'm going insane. i'm so scared.save me please. i want this to stop. i need it to. eventually the pain will override my fear of death and i will be prepared to face the unknown. but i don't want to die. i know what its like to be happy and i want that back. what the fuck is wrong with me god fucking damnit. 080707 ... Ryan Disarmed and disabled is how I feel. Now there is no emotion left for anyone but myself. Fuck you for filling me with doubt. Self expression is over-rated anyway. 090302 ... ryan Disarmed and disabled is how I feel. Now there is no emotion left for anyone but myself. Fuck you for filling me with doubt. Self expression is over-rated anyway. 090302 ... joey depression = ?????????? 091004 ... hsg stillness. move first and spirit_follows not_the_other_way_around 100208 ... el ben I feel like clawing my face from the inside, my head keeps spinning and my emotions keep moving up and down. I can't talk to anyone about it, the only one I want to talk to is her, but I feel like its pointless. I just clench my fingers and spasm in attempt to vent my anguish, it feels like something is going to burst out of my stomach. her her her her her her her herherherherherherherherherherherherherherherherherherherherher. Over over and over and over and over and over I cant think I try to distract myself with friends and activities but they are only temporary. She comes back to my mind eventually. Its only been a week, how pathetic is that? 100804 ... ░ ░░░░░░ ░ ░░░░░░ 101005 ... bah! depression is a girl with no balls. 101005 ... no reason http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html 111028 ... no reason it's funny but also really insightful i've been feeling down for the past little while for various reasons, and when i talked about it to him he got frustrated and basically did just tell me not to be negative. he also used the shame angle too, which i thought was really unfair. then he got mad at me for being hurt, basically, saying i was making it seem like he's never supported me. blah blah. maybe i should show him the comic. might make him angrier, but meh. also i hate the word "depression." 111028 ... a clever disguise antonym: elation 111028 ... jane today is thursday, though it feels like friday. my friend jason's cat, Friday, died last week. he would have been 16 in february, and is buried in jason's backyard under sand. my aunt toni died on september 11th, though i have felt her presence with me, as recently as tuesday. she guided me through a reading, one that indicated hard times, completed or otherwise. "quiet the mind." "walk away." the crystal was hot in my hand. the candles flickered and spit wax at my psyche. i have a husband. he has not lived in my house since november. on monday, he grabbed me, pushed me onto the bed, and held me there. i was paralyzed, because when i fight, i do not stop. is this where i began? i asked myself. if i had started, he would most likely be dead. i was scared, because i did not know what he was capable of, because i did not know what i was capable of, because i was scared. i did not start. see also: impulse_control. there is a fear, for blue to know these things. because everything is permanent here. but these things need to be memorialized, trite as they may seem now. sometimes i don't know where else to go. i'm not doing well, but i don't know how to explain that to people. that you can wake up depressed, that people can ask you how you are, and you say, "fine," by force of habit. you can even appear fine, and laugh at jokes, but as soon as it's over, you are back in the hole. you sink deeper by the minute. reality seems futile. alcohol or whatever preferred addiction keep your brain from assaulting you with mental images, feelings, songs, the whole shebang. people who shoot themselves in the mind have figured it out - they target the central element, like that death star thermal exhaust port, the achilles heel that takes down the rest of the machine. because that's the fucking demon in their head that's whispering incessantly about how to blow up the ship. i'm tired, and there are no bootstraps. tomorrow's another day, sure. we will see. goodnight. 180111 ... jane another day waking up feeling like shit. really? another one? these days never end. they just blur into each other. it's not even worth wearing the glasses to separate the lines. i can always take my medication. that's what it's for, i tell myself. that's what it's for. to feel normal again. it's supposed to be taken "as needed." and don't i need it to get through today without feeling suicidal? without being hyper aware that i'm cruising around in a bag of meat that i despise, with breasts that weigh me down and defy my lack of gender, and lack of height that defies my being. it's all too much sometimes. or not enough. 211022 ... ergo hum . 211023 ... ego hum too damn much 211023 ... daf Your blathe has been nagging me for a week now. I remember how hopeful and brave you always seemed before. If it's not too arrogant of me to say so, I'd like to suggest that there is nothing wrong with seeing the state of the world and becoming horribly depressed. It's a sign of your sanity. The insane among us, making the medical and pharmaceutical decisions, claim to be alleviating suffering, when in fact they are simply masking the symptoms of a leadership gone awry, and beautiful..hopeful wonderful people, like you..who got battered shitless one experience at a time by this world wide sanitarium are exhibiting the symptoms of their crap leadership and misguided, selfish, social engineering. Your depression is a symptom that your moral compass is still working and that you stand, like so many others..canaries in the coal mine..a warning to turn away from the rule of these psychopaths. I'm so sorry life seems heavy right now..this is not pity..it's pure empathy and a caring hug through a slender wire (and some fiber optic cable.) Be well, Jane. There's nothing wrong with you, you're just a really good mirror and society's a shit right now. But reflecting and witnessing is the job, and you're rockin' it..so keep up the good work. It gets better for us all eventually. Society's withdrawal symptoms are a bitch. 211107 ... daf Lord fill our hearts with hope today fill our minds with song may tranquility wash over each through all that might go wrong until the bitter winds rid us of sin as they were meant to all along Lord give us strength to fight the demons that haunt our waking peace to shine a light into their eyes and bring them to their knees that they should pray as we today for your heart's precious beat May everything you see in us become our only ways when the day is hard you steel us when the rest have gone you stay please do what you will with the days we have still fill our hearts with hope today. 240718 ... Death of a Rose I truly am sorry to read that Jane. You do not deserve that hurt or suffering. Depression has followed me my whole life, and I still turn to self imposed coping skills. If you need another t-shirt, let me know. Friends from Blather 240718 what's it to you? who go blather from