starving Spellchecker I imagine your mouth, your voice, your hair, your ... I prowl the streets. Bread does not nourish me. Dawn disrupts me. All day I crave the liquid measure of your steps. I am starving for your sleek laugh, your hands the color of a savage harvest, your pale-stone fingernails. I crave to eat your skin like a whole almond, the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body, the sovereign nose of your arrogant face, the fleeting shade of your lashes, your hot heart. Starving, I pace around, sniffing the twilight, hunting for you, like a puma in the barrens. adapted from "I Crave Your Mouth" in "100 Love Sonnets" by Pablo Neruda 011010 ... Toxic_Kisses That’s simply beautiful 011012 ... lovers lament cold chills run the length of my body it's 5 am on some abandoned plane starving for the touch of your fingertips i'm hungry for your warm kisses again i want to feel your breath on my skin as your mouth moves towards my breasts pausing to light each one with heaven i beg to feel your tongue's caress i know i could have all of this, but i can't ask. 011028 ... pensais nevermind the pain; isn't it worth it? to be skinny ... i am starving for you. i'm an attention slut, i want to barge into your life and yell, "look i'm here. now love me." and everytime you invite me in, and tell me that this is what you want - something happens. it's you, it's me, it's timing, it's circumstance. say whatever. just don't say it wasn't meant to be. you cannot feel inside of me. you do not know. this is so deep in me ... nevermind the pain; i wait in starvation. 020814 ... koritzaki starving slowly to death would hurt less than this things that remind me of you : camel lights green zipcars shit left in winter jacket pockets from when it used to be cold thornton's braintree trains ani fucking difranco evolve techno noura erin your fucking cologne my bed & your pictures there i'm mad. i'm mad because you don't want to fix it i'm mad because i'm still hoping you'll change your mind i'm mad because i fucked it all up just like i knew i would i'm mad because when it STARTED i asked your permission before i fell and YOU SAID IT WAS OK i'm mad because i feel like it was wasted i'm mad i lost money i'm mad you never left me love notes under my pillow i'm mad because you ruined love and i don't want to admit you hurt me. i don't want you to know. i want to be the strong one. it hurts my head i couldn't eat for three days i felt fucking sick it hurts because i don't ever want to wish that feeling on anyone else because i never want to feel the same way way i felt for you for anyone else & it hurts that you didn't want it it hurts you said you thought i didn't want you to be happy it hurts that it was so close to being better it hurts that the summer would have changed everything it hurts because i have NO TEARS LEFT it hurts to keep banging my fists on things but soon i'll be numb i want to cry because you're beautiful i want to cry because i thought you loved me back i want to cry because we never really had a last kiss and i want to cry because we did and i can't remember when it was because i didn't know i was supposed to be taking notes i want to cry because it already seems like ages and it's only been two days i want to cry because i can't push you away i want to scream because i'm angry i want you to know that my head is exploding every second i want to scream the pain out i want to scream because this is not the kind of hurt i can inflict upon myself i want to scream loud so you hear it i want to scream long so it pokes you and i want to scream high so it HURTS and i want to be in control but i'm not and i'm not and i'm not and i'm not and i'm not i want to leave nasty away messages i want to drink myself into oblivion i want to be mistaken for a jaywalker and hit by a truck so that i would be dead and i would want it that way but it would look like an accident i want you to talk to me i want you to fucking leave me alone i want you to call me i never want to hear your fucking voice again i want to stop eating or stop crying i want to be done with this melodrama bullshit i want to hold you i want to hit you i want to push you away i want to collapse into myself until i am flat and condensed like an old-world map of the earth with defined borders and dropoff points i want you in general i want you to want me back i want you to come home crying didn't i work hard enough did i work too hard i want to be well-adjusted i want to take a really long nap i never want to wake up i want to STOP CRYING EVERYTIME I SMELL YOU SOMEWHERE i want the burning to go away i don't want to allow you this kind of sick power i want you untangled out of my life in a hurry i want you gone i'm scared to be alone i'm scared you'll have someone new and that they will be ugly and not bring you flowers and not tell you all the things i said too much i said to little or were you listening at all please continue on any way you see fit and i will keep telling lies including but not limited to I DON'T LOVE YOU i want your ears to burn like mine i want your stomach to turn like this i want to watch you go down in flames i want to wake up and i want to change and i want you to see it and i want to apologize for anything i ever did that hurt you and i want to apologize for not apologizing sooner i want to cry more i want to turn soft and bridle this and ride it off into the suset with you in my lap knowing full well that shit sucked but we were willing to work through i want you mostly i want to know that you're hurting because you never did you just sat and stared and let me hurt twice as much and lastly i want you to buy me a new book because i wasted this one with shit about you. 030406 ... niska *sniff* you are not alone. 030406 ... somebody ...to be loved 040130 ... Lick 3 steps back. 040214 ... elisabeth42 Dear Friends, Family, and Strangers, Starving fills my void better than you ever could. I'm never alone now. If you could see me, would you believe me? I'm empty. And that precious emptiness is my will to live. My will to die is my will to live. It's been this way so long I can no longer see the sun. Starvation - my drug, my addiction, my drive, my prison, my need, my pleasure, my pain, it's how I measure my worth, my girth, it's my destiny, my design, I was marked for it from birth. I loved. I loved you. I loved life, dance, food, wild hedonistic explorations into the mind, your mind, our mind, all one. It was connection. I didn't ask for it. You led me to it, you gave me the key. You altered my reality. We didn't need to speak. We'd communicate through the air. Now I sit here rotting, gasping for air. Can't grasp it, the situation is too large and none of us are in charge of it and I need to be in charge of something so I starve. I'm watching you cut our ties. I can't stop you, I've tried. Telling your lies, your excuses, pushing me into a corner of paranoia - is it in my mind? Is it really happening? Are we drifting away so soon?... It took so little to tear us apart. It took so little to bring my world down. It took its time before taking me back into its arms. I met you, I believed I'd never go hungry again. It takes so little food to keep me just barely alive. I want all or nothing. Nevermind. You don't see me. You don't hear me. Not anymore. I am all or nothing. My life is shrinking in around me and leaving me little room to do anything but count numbers and bones and carrot sticks. Emaciated. No asking for help allowed. 040522 ... elisabeth42 What I mean to say is that starving is just part of my Addiction. A symptom, a sign that something isn't well. It's a lie I tell myself to get me through tough times. When something's going on with me that I can't see clearly, when I'm afraid to explore and I want to run away and hide, I starve and "everything is fine." When I'm afraid of myself, I put blame on others, innocent bystanders, or on situations, or even sometimes on life itself. I grow quietly bitter, and retreat into myself, afraid, I drug myself. It's all on me though. I'm coming to accept that. I don't have to be afraid. 040523 ... 32 ounces equals end hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much too love --Paper bag, by Fiona Apple 041205 ... three_words just_love robots starving 060525 ... nom and the people around me have no idea 070228 ... stephshine feed the beast 070302 what's it to you? who go blather from