cut Shar Matt has these scars on his wrist. They were nasty, and some of the wounds weren't completely healed. The sociology teacher looks at them inquisitively, and asks if there are problems. "No," he says. Matt sits back in his chair and stiffles a giggle, for last night he had a beer bracelet on at a club, and in a brilliant fit of drunkeness, decided to remove it by holding a lighter to it. He soon had a bracelet engulfed in fire and still has the wounds to prove it. 000506 ... claudia why does one cut themself? not to show around thier scars. not to get pity. not to get recognised as a fuckup. if one cuts themself, they do it for themself. they do it because they feel like it. or to watch themselves bleed. or because they like the pain. or because they hate themselves and want to suffer. but no one cuts themselves to get attention. because feelings expressed on wounds don't deserved to be advertised. and blood isn't red because it catches the eye. if one has cuts, they should be appreciated, not exploited as means to be noticed. because a cutter cuts in private. and the wounds should stay that way. if one flaunts them, they're by no means a sufferer. they're a fake. pins and needles and razors weren't created for show. they're real. which is more than i can say for some people. 000727 ... snaggle in a way, the outside now resembles the inside. i wear long-sleeved shirts. 000926 ... Raina do you know how much money is made off of the tramatic surgical proceedure that is stealing skin from baby boys? no wonder some men are so concerned with sex. and you don't want to know what they do with the skin. Trust. My son will not be circumcised. 000927 ... MollyCule I never did it to make people look. It was always more to make people stop looking. There's only so many times that you can smile wanly and say,"yeah, I'm fine, thanks" to the people you see every day, who can always tell that things aren't fine. And you start to think, this time maybe I won't stop, the feeling of your own flesh peeling away from a razor is somewhat addicting and after a while it doesn't seem to matter how you feel, because this is what you're doing, this is how you deal with things, this is your life in a nutshell. You will, always and forever, be the wierd girl who cuts herself. Regardless of whether you never do it again after today, you'll still be scarred at 85. And now it's too late to fix any of that. So what are a few more? 001016 ... unhinged i knew it was molly before i even got to the bottom. i wear bracelets and watches and long-sleeved shirts. i only cut my left wrist because i am right handed and if my violin professor ever saw my scars he would probably lecture me about it in front of the whole studio like he did about me smoking. i show people my scars when i want to talk about them. i cut in private but always have the need to make my life public just to see if there is one person out there that cares. i don't think there is. there never will be. it's just me and my blade. music to cut by tonight,tonight the single by the smashing pumpkins so real, by jeff buckley 001202 ... god what's troubling you? 001202 ... unhinged i see i've been neglecting you god the need to cut is something i've never been able to put completely into words...it just doesn't sound right. but you of all, i think already knows. 001224 ... cazzi cut cut cut fucking cut that is all that life is worth anymore i feel stupid for thinking like this, but nothing has a point anymore and life isn't worth it...so this is my survival and so many people feel the same that i wish it was more widely understood, especially by adults, my arms are a mess, and i wish i didn't get looks like i do. 001227 ... unhinged i like it...ever since i started it i have. i like to see the scars and caress the scabs. it focuses my mind on the result instead of the cause. i can only think about that for so long before i'm afraid i will go crazy. 001227 ... Amaha the microscopic cuts which adorn my skin are you they can't see them but those who open thier eyes can they can see you, they can see you cover me I'm pressure sensitve ouch!, you pushed too hard now look what you've done I'm bleeding, you 001230 ... Thyartshallshant I cut because ...it relives my real pain. The pain i have on the inside. Seeing the blood and feeling the blade, makes everything seem so real. I figure a few scares are better than one dead Thy. 001230 ... cazzi true enough. 001231 ... unhinged right right right thy....that's what i meant to say. but i didn't did i? 001231 ... cazzi it's me again. i haven't cut myself for 3 weeks, god knows why, i've needed to. anyway, i just sat on the bathroom floor with a razor blade in my had, and i didn't do it? how does that work? cos like you said, it's survival, and i will end up dead. soon. 010101 ... Thyartshallshant I havent done it in months, all my blades are dull and wont cut skn anymore. And god knows its been hard on me. 010101 ... broken unhinged you have some beautiful things to say. 010312 ... twiggie i hadn't in so long, i made myself stop. almost a year. but then i did it again. it's been 2 months...but if i hadn't then i could've said "it's been a year". i want to stop because it worries people who care about me. it doesn't worry me personally, but if someone cares about me enough to worry... then they are worth stopping for. i'm trying. 010312 ... cazzi i know exactly what you mean...if it was down to me, just me in my own little world, i wouldn't be bothered at all about doing it, but seeing the hurt and pain it caused people around me, having people i loved break down in tears because of what i was doing, made me stop and think...why? why is it hurting them when it's not hurting me? they do care...i didn't think that they did, but people care, and they can't see someone hurting themselves like that, and when it was another of my friends doing it, i saw why, and that gave me another incentive to stop. it's been 4 months now, i'm trying not to count because if you count then you are more depressed when you break....the longest i went before was 3 months, but i'm doing my best to make this one forever. 010312 ... florescent light I asked him his thoughts. He showed me his wounds. 010318 ... dB Like the man said: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words cause permanent psychological damage." Often teh wounds in the mind are worse than the scars people bear. 010318 ... Chrity Look, I get a lot of crap from people for being a Christian; for being so faithful. Sometimes, I admit, I even think that I may be wrong. But then I remember the all the things that God has done for me. He made me, He loves me. He loves me enough that he died a shameful and horrible death as a sacrifice for every sin that I would commit in my life. And then there are days when even that seems totally unreal and distant. But that’s not all. There’s this girl I know who has been through a lot in the last couple years. She became a Christian in 7th grade when her parents joined this church. Some of her friends went there, and when she moved to another city and school district, that was the only time she really had to hang out with them, so she got involved. Mostly to be with her friends, though. She didn’t really understand that other stuff. In 11th grade, her church started a new program for teens to be involved with the kids in the church. It was called TIM Team (“TIM” standing for Teens In Mission), and she and her friends got to go to Camp Wapo, the Bible camp their church was affiliated with, for free! They arrived at the camp on the Friday before the last week of July, 1999. They put their stuff away and started getting to know the people from other churches whom they would be spending the week with. Some of these people, although she didn’t know it yet, would change her life forever. One of the counselors who worked with them that week, Mike Campbell, led Devotions one night. Everyone could tell that he was down about something, he had been all week. Although Mike didn’t really tell us directly what had been bothering him; by the end of our meeting, he had many of us in tears. Before the week was over he told us something else, something this girl would never forget; he said that Satan was trying to interfere with something there that week, that God must have something really great planned for someone there. Camp ended, and this girl got a new job, started her senior year in high school, and went on with life. Everything was fine until the middle of October that year. This girl was sitting at home when she came to the realization that she hated herself. She felt like she didn’t deserve anything that she had in her life. She didn’t feel like she deserved to have God love her. Then she started hating everything and everyone around her, for loving her as worthless and stupid as she was. Then she hated herself for hating everything and everyone. She wanted to hurt herself, to inflict physical pain in order to relieve the emotional pain. She tried to think about something else, she tried to keep busy so that maybe this feeling would go away. But it didn’t go away. She went into the bathroom with a scissor and she cut herself. Slowly, deliberately; not deep enough to do any real damage. It relieved the pain – but only to replace it with shame… and the pain always came back. She knew that what she was doing was crazy; but she had no control over it, no understanding of it. She went on like this, not living, just existing, and always hiding behind the mask of her former self – or at least trying to. She stopped really talking to people, stopped caring about the things she had always cared about; until she noticed scars and cuts like hers on someone she knew. On several people she knew. She wasn’t the only one going through this. Now she wanted to know more about it. She read up on it, she remembered that for some strange reason God loved her, that Jesus died for her, regardless of how worthless she thought she was. Knowing this had been the only thing that kept her alive. She started talking to the people around her again, talking to those who were going through what she had gone through. She realized that if God loves her, and He is perfect, then she must be worthy of his love. She had always loved him; but now, finally, she started loving herself again, too. She shared this love with the people around her, and slowly she stopped cutting, stopped scratching, and slowly, her scars healed, and her shame faded with them. This girl is me. I am asking you to give God a chance - if you haven’t already – and I am asking you to not be ashamed of what you find. (you can email me if you want to, I love email. Spam sucks though. My address is hami0144@tc.umn.edu) 010408 ... 13lue it's not fair that if your upset or depressed they expect you to cut i'm not saying that when i'm depressed which is most of the time i won't cut but it's sad when people except you to and sadly i can't prove anyone wrong 010409 ... unhinged i gave god a chance and he gave me a chance back lucifer_sam it's all the assholes in the world that have to get between me and god. 010409 ... trazlo yea, i did that, the cutting thing. relaxing, i guess- or something something drawing me to it then he said yea, me too and i got scared. why? don't. it's bad. you r hurting yourself. and he repeated this back to me. i had no reasons, no answer. there are no solid reasons. it just feels good somehow. but i couldn't bare to watch him and he couldn't bare to watch me so we made a pact. no more cutting for either of us. if i cut, that meant he would cut too. so i stopped. i didn't want to see him cutting himself. why is it so hard? why do i crave it? so i cheated. i scratched and burned. why? why do i not know why? now i can't do that. i wonder if i will stay strong enough. strong enough not to try and endure pain. physical pain. and what other pain do i have? all only self inflicted. i have no more troubles than anyone else, and yet i cry to myself. i cry soul tears that drip inside instead of out and echo throughout my entire being. tears derived from what? do i enjoy it? sometimes i think i do. sometimes i revel in the feeling of self hatred. i feel like i am being completely honest with the world. but at the moment suicide confuses me. life itself isn't bad, i know. i have the choice to have fun or not, i think. but once i am dead, i don't know. . .it is just so final. and everyone eventually dies, so why not just live until i am forced to die. in comparison, life is short, so why would i want to make it shorter? what would make me think that death would somehow be better? but that is just how i feel at the moment. maybe tomorrow i will be too tired, maybe tomorrow i will want to end this redundant existance and see what else there is. what other options becides life do i have? 010411 ... 00293o suicide ? 010425 ... nocturnal damn it. now I have to think of some excuse why I can't go to that boat party. I think it'd look a bit odd if I wore jeans and a long-sleeved shirt to go on a boat in the middle of the afternoon. kind of a catch-22 thing. I do it when I hate myself the most, but it only makes me hate myself more in the end because it's so stupid and it never really helps. maybe for a few minutes I feel a little better, but then whenever I look at what I did, I just think even less of myself because I know it's useless. god, I am such a fucking moron. 010425 ... hindenIL i know how it goes cazzi i know how it goes 010427 ... cazzi thanks, i'm glad somebody does. i haven't done it since December, which is quite a long time...lemme see, 5 months almost....which is good......but the constant urge is always there. i have almost done it so many times, i have resisted, but sometimes i wonder why i bother? people all around me are doing it, and i know i would feel better, so i wish that i could, but something me back. perhaps the fact that there isn't any unscarred tissue on my body where i could do it, or perhaps it is something else. all i know, is that i can't falter now, not after so long, whatever it takes.... 010428 ... redspark cut? sure iv cut, who hasnt, inside or out, who hasnt commited some act of self-mutilation, hitting your head on a wall, crying, slitting your wrists? it will be a year ago in a few weeks, has it been hard? you'll never know how hard. what made me stop? 19 people that i care for have done the same and it made me understand how it makes other people feel and react, i try to help them the best i can and have succeded and failed in some gray areas of the sutuations. and then i came to this sit and it brought up so many feelings i didnt want to feel but it was addictions the pain, internaly, memories, i remember everything about that day, down to the color of peoples shirts. i realized by reading what otehr people have said on this site that there are so many more people like me that im unable to reach, unable to help. in a way im glad i cut, in some ways i wish i coud take it back with my hole being, it was one of the bigest mistakes iv every made. some times it seems like i might not have the strenth to withstand that need to pick up that knife or blade or stone and scissors and drag it across my skin for that irresistable release and distaction. i dont know why i did it in the first place but i got addicted to the feeling some times i wonder if the feeling will ever go away. but i realize that the reason i get so sad, the reason i get so depressed and want to cut is because i cut in the first place which makes me realise that if i do it again i will just feel the shame again, of giving up of ging in, but some times it would just feel soooo good. cutting is like a drug its one of teh most addictiong things you can get into doing, and the hardest things to stop doing. we cant change the past, so regressing is pointless right? but who can hide from it? no one. i want to help my friends i dont know what to do about them any more, from cutters to ODers the list is long and frightening, but there was a day of realization that i couldnt do it any more, a day when i felt my heart ripped apart. when i saw my friends arm, covered in cuts, i told myself i never want to make any one feel what im feeling right now. its all very confusing and all the feelings get mixxed up inside, and geez, i dont know any more 010428 ... redspark yeah cazzi i understand too, whats your story? 010428 ... yoink i tried it once. i thought it would feel smooth like butter or something instead it was rough, jagged like tearing paper from a notebook. as i rinsed my arm off, the water made the blood spread all over my arm the carnal tinge makes me think...it wasn't so bad i think i might try it again. chicks dig scars, aye? 010428 ... redspark not scars of that nature 010429 ... redspark i shouldnt have said that 010429 ... dls i cut myself. i expected it to be smooth to, but it wasn't. it's awful hard to get the blade in that first time in a "session" but when i do, i do the whole arm; sometimes both, and my legs. i do the upper arm, the forearms (both sides) and even the hands a little. i always wear long sleeves, which makes sense at work, because i'm director of an art gallery, and i have to dress nicely. it must look funny on weekends out in my yard, in front of the lake, relaxing with my neighbors and drinking a little bit of beer or just watching the fishermen our one of my neighbors children running around... 010430 ... unhinged i just don't make an effort to hide them. i don't have that many but they definitely stick out to me. you would be suprised how self-absorbed most people are. they won't take the time to notice unless you point them out. i've only had one person question me in almost a year about where the scars on my wrist came from and i just shrugged and that was an acceptible answer. i think people are afraid that don't cut. they think that their eyes upon them are enough to push you over the edge. that you must be THAT crazy to hurt yourself. it seems like murder is more acceptible to people than self-mutilation which i don't understand. if i have an inferiority complex and no concept of self-worth which eventually leads to me cutting myself instead of buying a gun and shooting into a crowd, shouldn't they at least think me humane? i've seen a few people look and they would never look me in the eye. i used to need to wear long sleeves into my violin lessons cause i was afraid that is where they would be the most noticable but if i can ignore them everyone else seems to. i don't want to cut anymore because i can't avoid cutting in patterns. patterns of geometric shapes can't be attributed to anything else. stripes even look suspicious. now especially, they aren't a cry for help. they are a concrete form of the abstract i can not escape. pain fades away into experience. these insides need an outward view. 010430 ... cazzi i know exactly what you mean. i don't bother to hide them anymore, but i still feel awkward when people look and then look away. our school has just introduced short sleeved shirts for the summer which is a pain because normally i choose where i don't mind showing my arms, and other places i don't, but now everyone will be able to see all the time. i have scars all the way up and down all sides of both arms...most are quite faded now, but not all. 010501 ... PCD cutting oneself, the epitome of self loathing, self disgust and self pity. this is not done for beautification. the scars represent deep pain and abject cry for help from soneome unable to articule their sorrow and great need. where was the mother when this child, and we are all, child, adult and parent, needed to be held and loved and reassured? where was the father when this child needed strength, buidance and comfort. each pitiful cut is another strike back at what the child never received. rather simplistic when one stops to think about it. and how strange to think that one must cut oneself in an attempt to make oneself whole. 010501 ... 13lue or one cuts themselves hoping to slowly disapear and i don't mean for them to die, cutting is an addiction just like drugs sometimes they just help to make you more invisible 010502 ... claudia cutting is more addictive than anything else i've tried. it's like a drug but only easier to get. cutting isn't just the blood, but the pain. The release of an emotinal tension. it's just to intense to put into anythng but woulds. it was 8 months without a cut until monday. like overcoming an addiction, it's more than just stopping. it's going back and slashing your arm and looking at the blood pouring down your arm and saying "i won't need this tomorrow", and not. it's about gaining the freedom to always go back and be able to stop if you know it's time. cutting develops a tolerance like nothing else i've ever seen. if you've stopped for a while and then started again, it's hard to even draw blood. One month into a session you're cutting across veins and soaking all your bedsheets in blood. There's nothing more comforting than feeling that sting and warm blood flow out of you. nothing's more therapeutic than licking your own wounds. i'm claudia, i'm 15, and i'm a cutter. i don't hate my parents, i don't want attention, and i don't want to die. it's like bloodletting. like an absolute therapy. once it's scarred, i'ts like a permanant reminder of what i've gone through. and denying myse;f of my past is like denying myself. i can't forget. and i've got the scars to prove it. 010503 ... redspark im 14, im a cutter, thats who i am, its to late to change any of that so i have to life with it, i dont know why, i dont know why me, i dont know if there was some greater plan im mind for me or still in store, i dont know why out of every one it had to be me, i dont know if i want to think that there was a reason for all of this, if there was, doesn that mean i am not incontrole of my fate or destiny? i dont know im not a very religios person, i still ablive in god but i wonder some times if hes the one turning my life. some times all i want to do is cut, some times all i want to do is figure out what would posses some one to cause themself harm, and inside i know, i know all teh reasons, i just dont want to except them i guess. i dont know, i just dont really know any more, i dont think i ever did 010504 ... sweet pea "when a person can't control their emotional pain they'll create physical pain to themselves" i can see the pain, i can acknowldge the pain but i cannot feel the pain. it is too strong. too strong to feel deeply enough. it weakens my body leaving me helpless and unable to fight back. why is this happening? what am i doing? to let myself die so slowly without feeling what is happening.... 010509 ... redspark i met the 22nd person on the list yesterday, and the 21st a few days before, and after talking to 21 for a few days they told me that they probably wouldnt be living if I haddent talked to them and made them feel less alone that i was the reason they were living, and it made me realize that they are the reason i am living, i want to help people that it, i dont want anything in return i dont even need graditure, i just want to help people from feeling what ever i felt, i realize that i can touch another life, that i can have an effect on peoples future, that i do have power even though the proportion small i can change some ones life, thats why i live. iv changed, im better now i still know what its like, as u can see be reading the stuff iv writen earlier it changes over time, im better now, i just wanna help, if u wanna talk email me, please, i can relate to anything. 010509 ... darkened heavens redspark you amaze me 010509 ... unhinged i was loved and reassured i had strength guidance and comfort from my parents. i think that is the way i was raised that makes me cut. my family was so loving and supportive and you think that that is the way it is. but when you realize that the real world is the exact opposite, you develop problems, issues, complexes...whatever you call them. 010509 ... redspark how so, darkened heavens? 010510 ... darkened heavens your will to help is amazing 010510 ... redspark its the most discoraging thing ever when u find some one u cant get through to no matter how hard you try, that u cant fix it no matter how much tape or crazy glue or bandaids you apply, it makes my heart want to scream but my mouth stays shut, an unbearable feeling in my chest that makes it want to be crushed to escape this feeling, i plead i beg i ask for promises, promises broken and mended and broken again, iv run out of things to stitch up our woudns with i dont know what to do anymore, please stop sweet pea dont be mad at me please 010510 ... dls i'm 20 i'm a cutter i don't know why i just went back to it, i was good for so long... i feel like a bad person when i do it people notice it on me i'm not your run of the mill depressive i'm described as warm hearted and good natured; people always think of me as optimistic and carefree. they dont realize how helpless and powerless i feel. i just want to give up. i can't keep my apartment, i can't get out of this economic slump, i'm trying so hard working so hard to no avail, nothing... nothing... i have so little, why does it seem some have a need to take it away? why can't they just leave me alone? 010510 ... dls 11 fresh lines of blood... all on one arm, somehow i held off the other and my legs this time it's really satisfying to do the legs, but the scars show for longer. 010510 ... dls when it all seems hopeless; i remember. gleaming shiny rust free stainless steel; razors, blades, knives of all size; there is a way out fear of failure holds you back; take it, take it in your hand 010510 ... redspark dont take it......don't 010511 ... redspark dls its a way out but not way u want to take, your older then me and probably know more and have been through more but beleive me anyway, thats not the way to take it will only leave to future failure and disapointment. 010511 ... DannyH We hear you, keep talking. 010511 ... claudia let people do what they want to do. you're not supposed to make people better. you're supposed to make them proud that they're sick. 010511 ... PCD Whining, dls? What makes you think society owes you a free ride? We all have to work at jobs we dislike at times, pay our bills, take care of unpleasant things and whoever said life was 'just a bowl of cherries' anyway? Grow up! If you don't want to be judged, then stop airing your pitiful problems in a public forum. 010511 ... juri i cut myself to prove that i am still alive that i am still here that there is something left inside of me that still is in a state of being. why am i stll alive? you tell me. i live in a shell useless and broken cut it off i cut it all off but i am still here 010516 ... redneckk won time i cutted myself on the lawny mower. ma camed and fixed it rite up now i'm healthier 'n a newborn baby duck 010520 ... fuck when i think about wanting to stop, i realize it's like me saying i want to stop smoking. there are so many things i've stopped doing- drugs, drinking, recently sex. but i will never stop smoking- or cutting. i started cutting on my hands. probably the most illogical place to cut. but i hated my hands.. then my left arm. then people started asking.. so i cut on the tops of my thighs. theres no origional skin left there.. it's all scar tissue.. so i went to my shoulders.. but there's not much room left their either.. so i started cutting on the underside of my wrists. the only bad thing is.. over 4 years of cutting.. i've become accustomed to getting pretty deep. and i don't think that cutting on the underside of my wrists is a good idea. 010521 ... Dafremen I liked DannyH's response to dls or DSL or whatever his little name is. This kid amuses me, he informed me that he finds that disturbing, but HEY it's true. He sent me an email telling me to f*ck off and walk a mile in his shoes. What this poor pathetic little sap doesn't realize is that I already have and THEN some and in fact many of us HAVE walked that same mile in those same shoes. See what this self-pitying, attention seeking deedle dork doesn't understand is that he's a pup. Don't like to hear it? Tough sh*t. Being a pup isn't about age. It's about attitude. When the day comes for you to get off of mom and daddy dog's porch and you do it, and as hard as it gets you DON'T whine about it until eventually some day, you will have your OWN porch, with or without momma/daddy dog, with or without the pups, (that's up to you), then YOUR A BIG DOG. When you keep coming back and WHINING about how horrible it is being a young adult with only a couple of years of responsibility under your belt, THEN you're still a pup. The main difference is that a Big Dog knows that once he's off the porch it's time to take care of his own, with his head down and his chin up. A pup just wishes he was back on a porch somewhere, ANY porch. A pup just wants someone to GIVE life to him. See you think noone understands your situation because you can't FATHOM that anything as important as YOUR LIFE could be nothing more than a bunch of OUR reruns and so you ask us to walk a mile in your mocassins. New flash kiddo, many of us already have and if you would just stop looking longingly behind you at the porch and start walking your OWN mile, I GUARANTEE life has some pleasant surprises waiting for you up ahead.(Besides being an insufferable pain in the ass as well.) So why don't YOU walk a mile in your shoes dls? Stop whining and whimpering and limping and WALK DAMMIT! I'll be waiting for you with a beer in my hand...several miles up the road. Meanwhile, like DannyH said...keep talking, we're listening. I mean what could be more amusing than a little puppy dog howling and licking its wounds with its tail between its legs looking forlorn? Do go on...I'm listening. 010521 ... redsprak ha, that made me laugh, good job. well said 010521 ... snow_angel you told me that youd love me and never let me go. I expected all the same from you but I never let it show. You left and now Im here, given a chance to cry tell me after all this shit where's the reason why. cut cut cut into my life and still ashamed its hard to try. leave me here to wash away, leave me here another day. you lied you lied you lied. I hope youve found the truth, cuz what I used to find so pure, ill never find in you. take awy these empty scars, take away my pitiful arms. Im sorry that i make you see all the pain inside of me. it hurts too bad sometimes to show. Leave me here, and tomorrow you'll know. I want to hate you I want to tell you off but in the end Ill go back and ill never have enough. I wish you would just go away, take all my scars with you. And if we ever meet again, Ill tell you we are through. I want to stop, but I know I never will. 010525 ... unhinged dale left his blade out on one of the tables and i picked it up cause i didn't want a customer to cut themselves with it or something. he left work early and i didn't know it...i was seriously going to give it back. but then i realized he left and it's mine now. it's been months. i'm not sure if i want to fall back in line now or not. 010530 ... snow_angel i took the time to think about all the scars that have tken over my arms. I find them places I dont remember cutting, then I think and it all comes back. Maybe if I didnt do drugs then I could remember them all. Then I think, what tha fuck- who really wants to remember all that? 010604 ... rubydee thin white lines the healed taunting and teasing begging for brethren the redness of renewal singed spanking new skin flay thyself deeper is divine but i wait knowing blood_tests are eminent and the stare of the phlebotomist unwelcomed 010605 ... Silver a few drops each day my rain of latent tears i think you're crazy i think you're lost i see it i see it i see it i see it, i know it, Amaha did the tears override the laughter that penetrated our existence? I'm bleeding, you 010616 ... MollyCule goddamn it. you're the one who made me stop in the first place, made me put down my razor blades, and now it seems like more and more you delight in cutting me open with the words that trip so innocently off the tip of your tounge. you can tell me you love me one minute and the next rip me intoa pile of bloody shreds. and sick little me, i like it. i fucking LIKE it when you reduce me to a crying screaming mess on the ground. i like it whe you degrade me. ai've even fooled myself into thinking you don't realize you're doing it, that you don't know your word hurt me more than i ever hurt myself. Goddamn you. is this what i should expect? should i just give up right now, eveything i've got so far, all of this, for you? pick the blades back up and start slicing away again? is that what you want from me? will that make you look me in the eyes again? 010713 ... dls some times people are lost in their own pain and sorrow. getting yelled at or told off doesn't help them. they can be ignored. let them find their own way. by yelling at them to "get better" you don't do a thing for them. 011020 ... bloodjetpoetry once the red comes through like the peeled skin of a fruit, letting its juices seep out- you feel as if a little more of you has come out. so you do it again and again and again. until you're pink, and until it hurts to take a shower. and you want to do it until all the you has spilled out into a puddle on the ground. you don't want them to see you. but you do. but once you stop, and you see the tiny dark lines, the tiny white lines ... it feels better to trace them with the tips of your fingers. it feels better than to do it again. you want to keep the cells intact. you want to keep yourself intact. 011120 ... birdmad edit 011120 ... anti-social butterfly it will be fucking december in a couple of days and it is still hot here. what the fuck? i try to wear long sleeves but it is simply too hot. the dorm's heat is permanently on and everyone is sweating. fine, so i am forced to wear short sleeves, fine. i can deal, but why the hell do people stare??? have they never seen arms like mine before? why can't they be more discreet? they just stare and then look at my eyes and then look at the other person, then they both stare. i am just trying to smoke a fucking cigarrette. i can't smoke it with my arm down there! and why do they ask? why do they humiliate me in front of all the other people in the hall... "what is that on your arm? what happened to your arm? that's a really bad cut, what happened?" if they wanted to ask me they could at least do so in private, not in front of everyone. has anyone here thought of good lies/excuses about the scars? i just keep saying that i got scraped up by some thorny bushes. they all know it is bullshit. and then they give you that look. dammit! please don't give me the look! the look of pity or concern or fear or disgust. the look of excitement about spreading the gossip. god, girls suck! my roommate found out, she walked in the room before i could put the knife razor away. she is nice though. she knows but she doesn't ask me about it and she doesn't stare. thank god. please pray to whoever that it turns cold where i live so i can wear some fucking long sleaves! i can't take the stares anymore. 011129 ... madness "is that why you're wearing long sleeves?" the psychiatrist asked. I thought "no, it's just cold and I like this sweater" I lowered my eyes and said "yeah" Like he would have believed me if I had told him the truth... I sit here thinking "I could cut, I could drink, I could get high, I could put myself to sleep with vicodin, but why? the prozac and neurontin does nothing for me, and neither does all of that other stuff. There is just no answer." I read through all the things people said. The question I have for dafremen is why bother taking that walk? Are pleasant surprises really the only reason to keep going? I'm well aware that I can pick myself up and sometimes be happy, but I am just as aware that I will always eventually come back to this state. I don't want to die but I sure as fuck don't want to keep doing this the rest of my life. So tell me, oh wise one, what I should do when there is nothing but infinity on all sides. 011130 ... ilovepatsajak mom, it's just from the cat. 011204 ... ClairE Once I hated myself so much I clawed up my arms. Bob said "I understand". That's not the same as cutting. 011204 ... anti-social butterfly i got caught. redhanded, redwristed, whatever. i am devestated. now virtually the whole floor of my dorm knows, girls talk, not me. i don't talk, i never talked about anyone's problems, that is cruel. they used to think i was a freak for the ever-changing punky hair, now they know i really am a freak. they are so normal and perfect, have never seen arms like mine before. i haven't cut for a week and a half now. well, almost. the knife is beckoning me, but i hold it close and now i am scared, scared of being caught again, scared of not having my scars ever heal, scared of how quickly the warm weather of spring will come again. so, for the first time in months, i am feeling very depressed again. i did not feel depressed when i could cut. now i am a fucking alcoholic, or so it seems this week. i didn't drink one night, so i took percocets instead. now i feel like i can't stop doing self-destructive things. i have no motivation to get out of bed in the morning or to go to class, my roommate thinks i am a lazy-ass freak. i fucking hate being depressed, especially when i don't even know what is wrong with me or why i am depressed. i don't have money for medicine or a shrink, but i could get two free counseling sessions, but what could that accomplish? could they tell me in two sessions how to quit cutting myself? should i go? that would be the first time in my life to go to a shrink of my own will. scary. but really, all i want is one last cut. one last deep, deep good cut, one that bleeds and bleeds and hurts for days. and i just need a little time to get alone, and i can have that. but now i want to find new places to cut myself, new places that clothing covers, but sometimes wonder about my neck, how that would feel, good, but now i am talking a lot and sounding crazy maybe. does anyone know how i can quit it? does anyone know how i can quit cutting without feeling sad and empty and obsess over and feel compelled to do it? please someone who has done this and quit before, please tell me how to stop, please. 020116 ... daxle therapy, anti-depressants, strenth 020116 ... elana i have done it once. just a little bit on my left rist to see how it would feel.i wondered if it would lessen my emotional pain. all i want is for the deppression to go away for a second. one second. is it worth it? is it worth the scars that i would remember for my entire life? but when the scars heal, i would still be able to see them through my skin. the knife becons me again... 020117 ... anti-social buttefly going to mental health clinic soon. i keep trying, i keep itending to go, but then i get scared. this would be the first time for me to ever go to counseling on my own, without my parents making me. i think i need to tell a friend so they can take me. i don't think i can go on my own. i don't know why i am so scared. i just want them to tell me how to quit cutting. i don't have enough money for lots of sessions or for medicine. just want to be told how to stop this craving for the pain. 020118 ... anti-social butterfly going to mental health clinic soon. i keep trying, i keep itending to go, but then i get scared. this would be the first time for me to ever go to counseling on my own, without my parents making me. i think i need to tell a friend so they can take me. i don't think i can go on my own. i don't know why i am so scared. i just want them to tell me how to quit cutting. i don't have enough money for lots of sessions or for medicine. just want to be told how to stop this craving for the pain. 020118 ... anti-social butterfly oops 020118 ... ClairE That is something that should be said twice! I am proud of you. We are all rooting for you, and each_other. 020118 ... Freak It all started last summer. I took a knife and scratched up most of my left forearm. They weren't even deep enough to bleed and I wasn't trying to hurt myself. It was a kind of fascination. It left marks that later scared. I know they were completely obvious but I hid them the best I could considering it was a very hot summer. The scars are still there now. I hate them but in a way they "give character" I know my mother has had to have seen them. I don't hide the scars. They are fading. But she never asked about them. Probably for fear of the truth. Last week I was daydreaming in school like ususal and I thought about cutting. I don't know how it came up in my brain. When I got home I took out the knife and started on the same arm again. I liked the feeling. I slowly got deeper but was afraid of the pain. I still didn't get deep enough to bleed. Just close enough to not bleed. The next day I wanted to do it again. This time I was able to make myself bleed. The more I cut the braver I would get. When I started I thought it would be easy and smooth but it was jagged and tough. The whole time I was just thinking that I wanted to make myself bleed. I wan't to see the beautiful dark red blood flowing out of my skin. I wanted to feel it. I wanted to see it. Everything about it is addicting. I haven't cut for a week today. Ive wanted to. I still want to. There was a second that I didn't want to. My boyfriend found the wounds. He was asking questions and I just told him it was nothing but to see the worry he had made me want to stop. But as soon as I went back home I wanted to do it again. My cutting isn't a cry for help. If it was I wouldn't do it in private and I wouldn't keep it from people. I do it for me. Its my addiction. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I cut. I just got my boyfriend to stop smoking. I couldn't understand how someone could let themselves be addicted to a substance like that, how they couldn't control it. I was a smoker and I was able to quit. I guess that was his drug of choice. And I guess my drug of choice is just a little bit different than the usual. 020423 ... Freak Its so easy now. A way to relieve stress. 020423 ... anti-social butterfly i quit. for two and a half months. it started again. and i asked myself why i had ever denied myself of this old friend. my control, my addiction, my secret, my pleasure, my pain. i love it so much and now i don't know if i would ever wanna stop again. people who stare can fuck off. by the way, my psychiatrist told me i was being crazy. seriously, are shrinks supposed to use that word with their patients. i sped back to school from my appointment, got a speeding ticket for going 29 over, was told my license would be suspended, and then i pulled out my one reliable friend. then i cut the hell out of my arm. how could i ever make myself forget how good it feels? i just wish that everyone could mind their own business. 020502 ... jessica fletcher why do i wear long sleeved shirts in july? take a big fucking guess you prick. yeah. these are bruises from fight club. yeah. these are cuts from stress relief. fuck. i can't help it. i see little pictures in my mind. they are what i want to do. i do it. so what if i have scars. big fucking deal. count the emotional scars of the world and weigh the difference. i'm a god damned artist of blood. so fuck. 020916 ... josie It's about the way it cut & the way it was everyone's business. 020916 ... charles bronson i cut my wrist because i was disturbed by scumbags ,surrounded my place yet police didnt care less and i wouldnt surrender!i didnt die and scar remain with me ever since.to hell with them,some nosey neighbor would condemn me for years worst than i owe her millions of dollars and i lost my temper and hit her! nosey neighbor was jealous and wanted to swindle,thought i am idiot for cutting my wrist and i swear revenge!!!!! 021013 ... spiderweb i cut. i burn. i scratch. i cry. it feels good. it makes the anger and hysteria go away. after i throw things across the room and knock over all the bookcases and books and nick nacks and dvds and tapes and candles are laying all over the living room floor ( i don't think i broke anything though ) then i can't breathe or control my temper any more ( and to think it was only because cell one didn't get my change of address and cut of my phone line ) i can't find my inhaler and now i'm wheezing but i know where the matches are. and although i tried to put it out of site and out of mind i still know where my little knife is. and then i sit and bleed and blister and slowly, but certainly, my breathing returns to normal and i can see without blurred vision that the house is wrecked. so i clean it up and i even vacuum the carpet. good for me. 021219 ... spiderweb it's kind of ironic, but i should mention that dad gave me that little knife for "self-protection." and that's what i use it for, protection of myself when i lose my temper so i don't slug him in the face for saying those things about my mother. cause when i do that he usually tries to strangle me. so thank you dad for helping me help myself. 021219 ... ferret please, i have a friend who cuts, i don't know how long she's done it. months maybe. i want to help her, please, any advice is greatly appreaciated. plz help my email is loudnoise@prodigy.net 030118 ... x slit happens 030119 ... RAN BO (8th Regiment)***** i cut my wrist many years ago,i never look back ever since,if the scar will remain with me till the day i die ,i wont regret it and to all the people who condemn me,i have one thing to say to you,"FUCK YOUR MOTHER!!! FUCKING FUCKKAH!!!!!" DONT PUSH YOUR LUCK!!! one fucking neighbour by the name of CHIN SOHAI tried to act smart ,i "teach "her a lesson,i dont scare of her gangster husband or son ,now i am "teaching "her daughter a "lesson" (what CHIN SOHHAI say about me happen back to her daughter and that is what u get wicked slut for being jealous!!!!)i am not insane slut,instead u r the one who is insane including your husband,your son and FUCK YOUR COUSIN TOO!!! I aint scare shit!!! SUCK MY DICK!!!!call your own daughter "CHI SART CIBEK" "CHEEEH MAH HAI!!!"anytime if u want to die,condemn me again!! 030130 ... stevelo playin hookie with my life trying not to be something i am so i take it out on the knife maybe he will understand there's a hole inside of me the show will go on all the way i can't b r e e t h if you killed me i wouldn't bleed so i'm laying down to rest again but waking up i have to watch i don't trust me as much as i can cut me off, i cut so much 030220 ... DevilsLyric I used to but my parents got so damn worried so now I just use a saftey pin and stick it in my arms and fingers. I like to see the blood. Its a big releif. The pain lets me forget about my life. I know in a year or so when my parents have forgotten I will seek out a razor when I cant sleep. But I have to buy more long sleeved shirts. 030309 ... Perspective_of_Soul Look at me now :) 030326 ... stuck i'm bulemic. i have done it for three years. my mother read my diary and found out. they told me to stop. i did. i started scratching myself. not badly, on my stomach where no one can see. it didn't even bleed. my boyfriend saw it and i just laughed it off making up some stupid lie. i need a release. im scared that someone will find out though. and what if i start and cannot stop. i just need a fix for this pain. i don't want to be a freak. i don't want to go to therapy for the rest of my life. i don't want to disappoint everyone by showing that not only am i the perfect girl they thought i was, but i am a sick freak who throws up, cuts herself, and LIKES it. Maybe just once. Just to see. I told my therapist I wouldn't. I think i will. just once. Just to see.. 030508 ... emo I am cut like that silly string flys out of a can onto a newly-wed couple who ignites from the trick candles on their wedding cake. 030609 ... endless desire stuck- i understand, you see. i am (or maybe was) bulimic and i have cut myself before also. and i am sure you know, just as i do, that it is never just once. it is never ever just once. i said i would throw up just once when i was 12. yeah, lets just say it wasn't just once. i said i'd cut myself just once a few months back. and i promised everyone else that it was just once. . .just that once. but once is never enough, because you have opened the doors to a new pain release. i am learning from my "just_once" mistakes. i told myself i would just go a day without eating. and i went two. and i said, just try once more. just another streak. just for fun, it won't lead to anything. but i looked at the patterns of my life and what self hatred and stubborness can form. i knew i wouldn't do it just once. and i knew that if i could, i would stop myself from throwing up that first time and cutting myself that first time. so maybe i stopped myself into falling into something very serious. and maybe you can look at your life and realize that you won't just cut yourself once. you just won't. and i am sure it means nothing from me to hear this, because i would have never listened either. and i still rarely listen. i don't know. who am i to give advice? just, if you are going to do it, don't be naiive enough to think it'll just be once. 030609 ... phil it's dumb, ok. It's not interesting or even remotely acceptable, get the fuck away from me, I don't care any more, quit fucking talking about it, quit fucking doing it, you damn freaks. 030711 ... oldephebe its my word cut me up in fire the marrow screaming in my bones a body broken well before its' time and pain sits like a bloodwet gibbon on the throne and don't tell me that is the phone some tassled buttoned down indifference to proffer to me the perfect pink little pill and the pain is laughing in me still I've fed hundreds of these pills to it cut me up in fire b r e a t h cut me up in fire a morbid miscellany of some sundry things its what you've come to expect from me i fold a fetal prayer i stride so briskly and its' still raging running up and down in me so cut me up in the fire feed the furnace and watch me burn an orchestra of the dead playing riffs out of Bartok in my head tear these tempests out and pain a searing clarity and the only escape for me cut me up in fire feed the furnace and watch me learn aahh yeah watch me achieve a perfect unity as its tendrilled hand takes me mm mm yeah ye-ah yeah 030717 ... commit suicide or die horribly why did kelly,the british scientist slash his left wrist,is he dumb or if he did not slash his left wrist,somebody would slash/cut his left wrist for him,was he being forced to slash his left wrist by someone else?which one you prefer? 030719 ... . ............... ............... ............. ........ .......... 030719 ... rubydee beware the felo_de_se 030720 ... crimson Anguish comes in liquid form. 030722 ... Aimee I started cutting soon after my grandpa died... I'd claw at my skin and rarely drew blood, but that's how it started. Then I realized that didn't work anymore, so I tried to scratch deeper, only succeeding in leaving "rug burn" like marks on myself. I cut myself once with a letter opener I put in a flame first, and realized, shit, I need to stop... so I willed myself to stop.. that lasted until I went to college (a whole 6 months) and met my roommate... a cutter whose arms looked like a cutting board from the deep scars. I avoided her at all costs and then she finally landed herself in the hospital twice and I lost it.. I started cutting again too... same little scratches here and there... Logan never noticed them... It wasn't until last fall that I grabbed a razor blade and started cutting big time.. right on the back of my hands and wrists... enough where i would bleed non-stop for 15 mins and wouldn't be able to fully use my hand for a few days. I promised him I'd stop and found out how addicted I was to it... I still wring my hands when I'm extremely depressed or upset... just trying not to run to the bathroom lock the door and start chopping up my hand... I made it 8 months, and then in june did it again.. at least now my doctors are handling it instead of just me... I'm supposed to start medication, but I don't know when... I guess that in itself gives enough hope... 030722 ... phil smoke crack. 030822 ... ferret i'm sure you'll make it aimee ;) unfortunately, my addiction cannot be postponed simply by ridding my house of sharp objects... 030823 ... crimson I went to the railroad yesterday. I brought my razorblade and I cut and cut and watched it drip splatter onto the cement, and it made a water-plop noises as the dops fell, and it was okay but messy. 030828 ... Strideo I wish there was somthing i could say to convince any of you who do this to stop. unfortunately i know how it is. hang in there. try, please try not to hurt yourself. just telling some one to have hope allways seems so trite when they're hurting . . . ... 030828 ... endless desire beautiful poem oldephebe. 030913 ... realistic optimist slice through scales tear them free rake and tear death from me with this spell invoke birth scab o'er limb refuel worth power drips earth from vein life unleashed expels pain 030913 ... wow. very beautiful, very succinct. the deeper flow captured. thank you. 030913 ... MollyCule He tells me, if there are any Band-Aids on you, this is over, I don't need this kind of guilt trip shit. So I just show him my unmarked arms and keep my pants on. He doesn't understand. He'll never understand. 031002 ... lalagirl19 wondering what everyone else thinks when they see 031015 ... lovely there is a cut across my chest. and its from you 031019 ... book i am alone and there is no one the scars are fading but new ones are being cut it is my life my death i hope someday the french horns in my section will know and forgive me because i was only trying to do my best but it never was enough so now the cuts are i love them 031108 ... souless wanderer She sits down, her head resting on her hand. Her unseeing eyes stare at the chair in front of her. Her other hand is constantly moving, twirling her pen, tapping out a beat on the desk. She slides her hand down her cheek, until it falls on the desk, jarring her into the present. Her eyes finally focus, and she stares at the band on her wrist. She stares, picturing the cuts she knows are there, red, raw, and throbbing. She scratches at one expirementally, grimacing as the pain washes over her. She twists the wrist band around, the ribbed material tearing away from the dried blood and pus, pulling at the skin, ripping the wounds open again. Tears come to her eyes, and she smiles. 031118 ... MeKoy You can call me MeKoy everyone does. My real name is Mary. When my friend reliazed I cut she showed me her scares in class. I went over to her house that weekend and we talked about it for hours hinding in her room.I don't think I had even meet any of her family that time. We really didn't pay that much attition to each other much before then but are friends were close. So we gave each other a chance. Came to find out we had alot more in common then are friends did with us. We decided to get on the computer we figured if we had this in common we each other there would have to be other people out there like us. We went to several pages like this one but we were so ashamed we never used are rell names so I was MeKoy and she was Georgie. That was in the fourth grade i was like only 12. I had just started cutting in the middel of that school year. I'm now 13 I'll be 14 in 2 mounths and I'm in the seventh grade now. I cut still but here lately I've tryed to stop. I've opened my eyes and realized all the people around me that do it to. That's not the reall reason though. I meet a guy it might be insane because I;m so young but I'm truly enlove with him. I first I figured no one could truely love me. I've always have been like that i can't love myself so why should anyone else thats why I sarted cutting in the first place. It soon became an addiction that i came to love. Well anyways this guy hes name is Wes or at least thats the name he uses on these pages. He sayed he loves me but i just couldnt belive. He doesn't exsactly havae a good reputashion with girls to begin with in the first place. So why should I be any different? It toke a lot of time betwen his friends and even mine which hated him at first to convense me that the words he was saying were true. So I warmed up to him and became very open. I asked Georgie how could I show him that I love him as much as he did me. Well i guess she still didn't think he really loved me. SO she sayed tell him about the cutting. when we saw what he sayed we would know how he truly felled.When I did he didn't wig out he just tryed to convince me it wasn't worth it more than anyone else had ever tryed before.SO i figured i better go ahead anad drop the bomb on him See i've slit my rist three times. Trying to end this meaning less life. The worst was a week before I had told him I had been put in the hospital. He knew that I was there i just told him i was sick.Well when i told him he was shocked and stopped talking to me for a week.He knew I was pissed off so he had his friend call me and talk to me. We seateled down. Later the next week on Thursday i got the worst call ever. He sayed the night before he had slit his rist. I was in tears for nights. But still cant' figure out why. The fact that he did was because he sayed he loved me. OK I know reall weird way of showing it. But when I finally stop shacking and panicking a coupel days later he say he had done it wonce before because his family. He sayed he hadnt done again tell then because he though there had to be a reason to live. He sayed that reason was me. I've i heart he hearts, if i die he dies. It's hes way of helping me stop cutting.it its done a pretty good job. Uuntil last night. i HAD A NOTHER BREAK DOWN BUT IN STEAD OF STARTING TO CUT AGAIN I TRYED TO STOP IT ALL I SLIT MY rist. But I stoped, wes had called while i was in the bathroom. When i got on the phone in tears he instantly knew what was wronge.I BEG for hours for him not to do anything it wasnt his falut that i did it i just cant stop. I don't know if he ever did anthing and wont for a week were out of school for chritsmas. this all happend christmas eve. I need help I can't stop. I don't want to stop. But when it comes to Wes i have to stop if i losse him. My friends well be lossesing me to pleas help. ANyone exspeacialy if you know were i comeing form email me at gccherokee03@hotmail.com or lp_gc_freak_03@yahoo.com Oh in just so you know the whole story one other thing I was in the hospital one other time to for takeing so many pells at once. 031225 ... MeKoy Ok this was from last week when I wanted to cut but I reminded myself of Wes and decided to just wright this down. secret shame,secter shame, i hide away my secret shame, am i the only one to blame, they look at me and think its just a game, that im just insane, am i to blame for my secret shame? they look at me, laugh at me, they talk back and prowl at me.just one look is all they need to judge me, they all jion in to mock me but do they even know me? you see i try to change the past through these's tears, but these tears dont come from my fear feld eyes, they come from my friend the silver knife. deep in my flesh the wounds grow deeper and deeper, there trophy's that i dont show, some say its because im insane, some say its all thats keeping me here today. if its not a game, and im not insnae, then why do i have to hide away my scares, my secret shame. 031225 ... cupcake MeKoy, please i dont mean to sound mean but thats just not a good way of dealing wtih things, it just hurts you more and you feel bad about it because you say its your secret shame. if you do it to feel better it really doesn't sound like it helps, there are better ways, i promise, and i promise that everything will be better tomorrow or the tomorrow after that but things you do today will affect you tomorrow and you just have to make it through today. 031226 ... MeKoy yeah cupcake i guess but relly i've began to think of it diffrently it's not relly my secret shame no more. i don't try to hide the scares as much and don't always turn away when people ask me why or what thier form. It's not the best way of dealing with things but really it's all I have and like I said I'm trying to stop. thanks 031226 ... MeKoy aw my friend the silver balde, oh how try to make you go away,but you came back with a huge splash today, and what an exsposion it made, I want to get rid of my friend and oh how i trued to difind myself form it trying to get in, why oh why did i give in? for once i had a pashion a srive to get over you, well i ever be able to make it through well i ever get rid of you? 031229 ... MeKoy I pray 031229 ... Helicala Cut class. 040107 ... MeKoy awwwwwwwww my mom saw my arms today ijust turned away tell she brought it up again i just blew it off what was i suposse to do? 040109 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl i tried with a razor i slashed at my arm again and again it didnt cut i was afraid of the pain instead of relieving the mental pain it added to it made me feel bad dirty wrong i want to cut want want want just scratching at my arms helps relieve my stress but when it comes to drawing blood i feel dirty again what can i do? i want to cut myself, it helps im fairly squeamish maybe thats why i dont want the blood but im desperate to i just came out of a real depression im better now but all the shit at school with everyone bullshitting and the pity in their eyes and they dont even know me i really really need to cut i have to go now im going to go and cut to try and relieve the pain inside ive seen the scars of those at school the moshers the skaters the goths i talked to one of them about it we talked as though it was common coz to them and to me it is and its crazy and its not a plea for help off others but i need it it feels good maybe after a while the blood will cleanse my pain i don't know until i try and everyone here seems to deal with it this way and so it must help. sorry for wasting space, i was desperate to say something. if someone can say something to stop the confusion, my email is miss_lucifer1@hotmail.com 040111 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl that was hard to say sorry 040111 ... MeKOY _ 040116 ... MeKoy INSUCRUE GOTH GIRL thatis always hard to say, when we speakwith so much pain. I might not be able to help you but it would be nice have someone to talk to about htis things. it just fells weird around my friends even the ones that do it to. my email adresse is gccherokee03@hotmail.com 040116 ... book i think im done i haven't done it in so long well, just little knicks not deep anymore i don't want to be sad i don't want to cry at night all i want to do is live be free i want my scars to fade so people don't ask or look away all i want is my horn my books and my guitar that's all is that such a big thing to want? 040123 ... book i think im done i haven't done it in so long well, just little knicks not deep anymore i don't want to be sad i don't want to cry at night all i want to do is live be free i want my scars to fade so people don't ask or look away all i want is my horn my books and my guitar that's all is that such a big thing to want? 040123 ... book i think im done i haven't done it in so long well, just little knicks not deep anymore i don't want to be sad i don't want to cry at night all i want to do is live be free i want my scars to fade so people don't ask or look away all i want is my horn my books and my guitar that's all is that such a big thing to want? 040123 ... frog im trying to quit so the guidence counselors wil get off my back. and so my best friend wont worry about me 040124 ... shine i don't want to i don't want to i do i do i cry i'm sorry i cry, blair i cut i'm sorry i cut, blair you deserve better i don't deserve you you don't deserve this i scream, cry, curl up in a ball on the floor. take this away! i don't want to feel anymore! there is no end to this. there never will be. sometimes it seems that the world is a stage, everyone is acting. what's the point of acting? someone, something, take me off this stage. i don't want life anymore. 040124 ... shine i don't do it because of you, sweetheart. this i need you to know. it's not you it's not you. i love you. i miss you. i'm sorry 040124 ... User24 claudia, your comment of 000727 was very accurate. thankyou. healed scars are a good reminder. unhinged, Smashing pumpkins, definately. Marilyn Manson's Antichrist album did it for me. Tourniquet. and Minute of Decay. In fact, almost the whole album. dB "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words cause permanent psychological damage.".. well said. very well said. trazlo, I had a similar pact. I broke it, so she took a pair of scissor and carved into her arm before my eyes. I stopped after that. redspark "drag it across my skin for that irresistable release and distaction" I relate. unhinged " they think that their eyes upon them are enough to push you over the edge." yeah. in fact, their eyes flitting everywhere but on them is more degrading. cazzi, God I hated school. changing rooms were the worst. PCD, "Cry for help"? no. PCD, "one must cut oneself in an attempt to make oneself whole." no. claudia "cutting is more addictive than anything else i've tried." oh yeah. But i never got tolerant.. well.. I cut more frequently, but always in the same place, and to pretty much the same degree. "like an absolute therapy." yes. redspark, you amaze me, too. PCD, you disgust me. fuck, top left shoulder. Daf, how can you be so harsh? ruby, 'thin white lines' mmhmm. lots. MollyCule, i liked it, too. odd. bloodjetpoetry, "trace them with the tips of your fingers.". yes. anti-social butterfly, I almost cried for you. madness; at least he didn't ask if you'd tried to kill yourself while your mother was in the same room. (that's supposed to be supportive, but it came out snappy.) ferret, become her friend. DevilsLyric, it was never about the blood for me. and what is it with you guys? cut where T shirts will cover it up! duh! :) endless desire, I didn't know. hugs. Strideo, I know how you feel. Couldn't have said it better myself. Realistic Optimist, perfect expression. MeKoy, god, that's a beautiful poem. insecure goth girl, take all the space you need. don't listen to Marilyn Manson, seriously. I don't know if this'll help, in fact I'm pretty sure it won't, but I found that the only thing to do was ride it out. shrine, " curl up in a ball on the floor" yup. to everyone I haven't commented on, I'm sorry, I just couldn't find the words. Please, cut if you need to cut, but don't do it too deep, you really don't want to end up dead. For me, cutting was not about attention, or asking for help, it was a release, and I suppose a way of getting some control in my life. But please, don't get silly, cut a little here and there, but don't get silly. And to everyone thinking of cutting, don't. it's addictive, and the scars will stay with forever, and I think in my case, it worsened the situation more than it helped. anyway, much love to everyone, I think I know a little of what you feel, and a lot of what you've said has touched me. Thankyou for sharing. And take care of yourselves. :) 040124 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl thank you user24 040125 ... MeKoy God it fells good to be back on here again. Mom thinks groundeing me well make it all stop. It just makes me want to go insane. I had nothing to hold onto. She checks my arms now.So I moved to my leg it's stupid to some but it gives me a release. U24 Thank you writing poetry and songs is all I really do know . 040207 ... zoe if you want to cut yourselves in the privacy of your own homes, then thats fine with me. but shut the fuck up. sorry. it needed to be said. not that i don't derive amusement from this kind of stuff, but... jesus. three words. get. over. it. 040210 ... shhh nobody forced you to read these posts if you dont like them then you dont have to read them, but people are posting their feelings and experiences here and you telling them to shut up is wrong. get over it? you obviously don't know what you're saying, and you don't understand what these people are going through. if you want to say your opinion then thats fine. however telling other people to shut the fuck up is both rude and uncalled for. thank you. 040210 ... Lemon_Soda Didn't you just say the same thing in a nicer tone? Post your fuck yous and your shut the hell ups. Post all you want. Any of you. All of you. Thats the one right we all have here. I always thought if you don't reward them with a rebuttal to such rude blurgle they'd eventually leave you alone, and heck, even if they don't doesn't mean we can't take our own advice and just not read it... 040210 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl LOL Lemon_Soda! i agree, if you dont like something then you dont have to read it, its nice just being able to vent. 040211 ... alice listen. if you want to post on cut, then have somthing to say about cutting. but dont yell shut the fuck up in a message board thats bout cutting. 040213 ... MeKoy wow i agree you keep it up and cut well be shut the fuck up soon 040216 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl i just read what i put earlier and it looks like i support the shit spouted by zoe, i did not and i think that if you have something to say about cutting, feel free to share, but if you just want to slag it off then do it elsewhere. i know that we can all vent if we want to but this isn't the point on this topic, and it is pretty wrong to do it. this is a fucking serious subject, and it should be treated as such, not moaned at by people who don't understand it. 040218 ... soulesswanderer Bleed and burn. My hands are covered in blood. 040311 ... nookeel I cut all the time. I don't know what to do. I'm scared because I think they might take my kids. When I'm scared, I just cut more. What can I do? 040325 ... shadow of human being Cool blade goes into my arm.I am in control.I have 4 stripes,that's my little secret,on my left hand,but below the short sleeve.You cut one of them while the others heal,that way you wont screw up too much skin. WHY THE HELL YOU DOING THIS YOU FREAK?! -i've cut right in classroom once,but only so that my deskmate could see. I am a very weak person.I cant tolerate emotional pain.For long time i was not social at all.Blade tolerates me.It gives me control. No longer you can manipulate my feelings.I was feeling love,that bastardly feeling,but after blade went inside,cutting all the skin,and going a little bit inside the meat,love was gone,and i was returned to my kingdom of no feelings. i was suddenly a Robotic drone again. But why? I can take my chances and be a normal person.I can take my chance and lead my life,and even find love.But if i will be rejected once more i will die. i have a choice-a monotonous life of a robot or life full of pain and misery. PAIN TELLS ME I AM ALIVE. PAIN GUIDES ME. PAIN STOPS FEELINGS. STOPS DESIRE FOR COMPASSION. STOPS DESIRE FOR PITY. STOPS DESIRE FOR LOVE. IT MAKES ME STRONG. IN FACT SO STRONG,IT GRANTS ME ANOTHER DAY SUICIDE-FREE. SO why DONT people cut? your body is just a tool of your brain. as for scars...Being asmed of being myself is stupid.And if they want to make fun of me and call me a freak,i can show em a neat trick-pull out my little sharp knife and dice up some flesh,so blood spurrs out,and then shout - "I WILL CUT YOUR FUCKING THROAT IF YOU DONT RUN!" and be left alone and pain free 040326 ... anonymous always. I couldn't believe what I did. Three parallel scars, now fading. I won't do it again, I know it, never. Horrible. They weren't deep. Nobody asked. If they did, "my cat scratched me." I'm not a head case!!!!!! 040410 ... kookaburra some people do do it for attention. i wanted to be the crazy girl, livin wild on the edge. never broke the skin. 040415 ... oldephebe but what are we telling ourselves about the emotional discomfort that we are feeling? if we are weak does that mean that we cannot become strong? can't we at least inestigate how to acquire an inner life, a spiritual and or psychological dialogue to respond to our emotional flares? I think it's worth considering, it's worth ivestigating to learn how to be powerful in the midst of our pain. ... 040415 ... oldephebe but what are we telling ourselves about the emotional discomfort that we are feeling? if we are weak does that mean that we cannot become strong? can't we at least inestigate how to acquire an inner life, a spiritual and or psychological dialogue to respond to our emotional flares? I think it's worth considering, it's worth ivestigating to learn how to be powerful in the midst of our pain. ... 040415 ... shade of human being if they did...my cat scratched me... MY ASS - You're different now.And once they find out,they are going to banish you from their society and tag you a freak because if they cannot understand they are afraid,and if they are afraid they hate. 040417 ... just another teen fuckup being branded by society.. it doesn't bother me now its true it does change you but only if you're weak enough to succumb to the urges i was i am dont follow in these footsteps 040417 ... oldephebe yes but see the urges aren't going going to dissapate until we learn to answer the urges whith something...will power alone won't do it... 040417 ... just another teen fuckup what else is there to do? 040417 ... kookaburra i take ballet. it keeps me from cutting. leotards dont leave much to the imagination.... 040427 ... . . 040427 ... kookaburra ur welcome, . though i don understnd the point of putting a dot on the page, alirght. im up for new things 040428 ... oldephebe "what else is there to do?" Well, one can begin to acquire a verbiage, a vocabulary an answer to respond to the white hot flashes of anxiety slashing its way through us... (hmm he started out by saying one and ended whith us..from third to second person..blech) are the things that we are telling ourselves about the observable universe that impacts our emotions true? and if they have a relative truth or empiracle concreteness; what does it's meaning have for us, if any at all? Maybe it's an oppurtunity to look at things a little differently. To take what is painful and make it, simply by perspective a path to seeing something beautiful in ourselves, in seeing the truth in another and perhaps tearing that person's teeth out of us. Maybe it's a way for us to slowly begin re-wiring all of those sub-conscious reflexive responses to things. Tell ourself a different, a greater truth about the things that have or that happen or will happen to us. see: standing_chest_deep_in_the_dark 040428 ... hope or despair the vision of sliciing is so unnervingly disgusting that I want it so badly..such self-mutilation... 040515 ... elegance January 26th drunk on a bottle of Jack Daniels after dancing on a wall and kissing another boy, I met the boy who is My Last Great Love Affair, my Duck, my Superhero, my Cowboy. He talked to me and breathed life into my choked over-smoked lungs. After nine years of self-harming (I have just turned 18, do the maths) during which time the longest I went without cutting was a month and a half, I have only cut once since January 26th. Perhaps it's co-dependance, or some other pop-psychology term that I don't understand anyway, but I don't really care. Thank-you Cowboy. 040614 ... just another teen fuckup acquiring a vocabulary to express these emotions does fuck all. it's just more eloquent phrasing of 'i want to fucking die, fucking kill me now' talking doesnt help people dont want to hear problems, they want a nice shiny world where there's no nasty surprises. 040614 ... Sw now. 040616 ... virgin dove I have become very curious about cutting over the past few weeks. I am 14 years old. A lot of things have really hit me, and hit hard. My mother died a few years ago and each day a little more memory of her fades away. Someone that was my friend tried to kill herself because she was jealous of me and my boyfriend, her ex. I am losing relationship with God. Out of nowhere, for no reason I'll start crying. I don't know if I'm depressed or what. I know my boyfriend is there for me, he was once a cutter and I know he would want me to talk about this kind of thing with him but I'm just scared. I'm terrified as I'm writing this because I am admitting true thoughts to myself. I don't want to cut, I am afraid of getting addicted. I am afraid of my father finding out and sending me to a hospital. I need your help to keep me from cutting. I have read many of these conversations and I realize that it isn't worth it. I still need help though. 040624 ... virgin dove I have become very curious about cutting over the past few weeks. I am 14 years old. A lot of things have really hit me, and hit hard. My mother died a few years ago and each day a little more memory of her fades away. Someone that was my friend tried to kill herself because she was jealous of me and my boyfriend, her ex. I am losing relationship with God. Out of nowhere, for no reason I'll start crying. I don't know if I'm depressed or what. I know my boyfriend is there for me, he was once a cutter and I know he would want me to talk about this kind of thing with him but I'm just scared. I'm terrified as I'm writing this because I am admitting true thoughts to myself. I don't want to cut, I am afraid of getting addicted. I am afraid of my father finding out and sending me to a hospital. But that curiosity is still there. 040624 ... puredream Can I cut off a piece of your heart? I promise not to chew too much. 040714 ... Borealis "she's cut" 040714 ... oldephebe what i meant by acquiring a vocabulary to discuss or address the impulses that drive one to the blades smiling smirking edge is simply this: we have to take care of the temple of the heart. We have to do more than just gyrate reflexively to the impulses and emotions we encounter. We must begin to ascribe MEANING to some of these spasms of ego and id. We must begin telling ourelves the TRUTH, an objective rational TRUTH about what we encounter, what we feel instead of becoming little more than a flailing bass on a blade. WE matter. YOU matter. THEY, whoever the hell we think THEY IS, don't. We have to stop psyching ourselves out or allowing ourselves to be pysched out. If you got something to cry about, go ahead cry, cry cry it all out, cry loud cry long,,but the damndest thing about self-pity is that it's like a fun house mirror over our soul. It distorts and magnifies our pain and perceptions. I guess that's what I was trying to say. If you are young, that doesn't mean that you can't begin to exercise some judgement and take some wisdom from past experiences and begin to take care of yourself psychologically. Be well ... 040715 ... virgin dove I no longer want to cut and somehow I believe that I never wanted to. Like you said, it was probably self pity. I took your advice without even reading it. I started to try to see the bright side of things, even though some of them were odd. I was thankful for the way that bathroom tiles fit together so perfectly and thankful that I had someone through this whole ordeal. My boyfriend, as always, was there for me. 040806 ... virgin dove puredream, you may cut off a part of my heart but I warn you, it is no longer bitter and cold. 040806 ... misstree 'phebe: "We have to do more than just gyrate reflexively to the impulses and emotions we encounter. We must begin to ascribe MEANING to some of these spasms of ego and id." swooning, love it, love it. and i gotta say, if you're a teenager, you're 100% guaranteed to be at least partially insane. it's part of the job description. slog through it as well as you can, it's all survivable, things start getting a little easier once reality starts coming into focus. 040806 ... Trixie I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing. But Cutting is and has been part of my life. Some people just don't understand. 040914 ... Nepenthe Cutting. It makes everything that much clearer. Just as sharp as that razor is everything around you and inside you. A cleansing ritual of sorts. And a cure for boredom. It's fun. I feel like doing it. And when I'm sad it stops my crying. It frees me just a little. A calm comfortable burning. I like to watch myself cut slowly. 040915 ... brady holy fucking crist. you people are fucking nut cases, i hope you cut a tendon and paralise your hand you drucged out crack heads. god, what the fuck are you people thinking, im trying to help my friend stop cutting and its sites like this that make it harder, i hope you all die from massave blood lose. faggot ass insane crack heads. 040917 ... Nepenthe Hate never helps. Maybe try understanding your friend? 040918 ... BeautifulDyzaster Cut me so I can bleed let me feel the pain that I won't give to you I don't want to hurt you don't want to hurt anyone why can't you understand I like the pain but I don't like it in your eyes I hate it in your eyes can't stand to see it staring back at me a reflection of my own so I give it myself cutting myself to pieces to make sure I can still bleed because when I find out I can I have to remember I am still alive 040918 ... andie jaye that's all i want to do right now... 041115 ... oldephebe well..when i said develope a vocabulary that accurately, truthfully imparts to us some distance from the catastrophizing of really normal things that happen to a lot of poeple...not denying that you are depressed or that you want to lie down in the soft earth and stay in it's womb forever...what i meant was if our expectations aren't meant..is it really the end of the world? i mean..i had a horrific childhood and adolescence..and maybe obsessive sci-fi and detective novels and american literature and Marvel and DC and Archie and Sherlock Holmes and all that gave me a respite, but the furnace was always there..always open and waiting for me when i closed the book or closed my eyes...and i HAD to learn to teach myself to make it to the next day...believe me thoughts do change your brain chemistry and persitant and disciplined interior screening and dialogues build up a reflexive impetus of their own...so you have something to meet those initial catastrophizing impulses and or emotions or thoughts...i wish i could be clearer..but to this DAY..this is what helps me make it to the next day..just the next day and i'll be okay..the thoughts we think can alter, change our brain chemistry profoundly ... 041116 ... oldephebe ..ah i meant obssesively READING all those books...but i was a terrible student... feel better... ... 041116 ... CC I cut my wrist...well, at least I did. I'm 12 years old and in middle school, and someone seen and told the principal. He called my mom and she started crying while entering the office. While I sit there...stairing down at my wrist...I did it again but she hasn't said anything. I know she knows I did it agian. I was wearing a wrist band and have been...I never wear wrist bands. She trys to make me not cut my wrist by giving me whatever I want. I don't want her money...I don't want attention. I want to relsease my anger, pain, and frusteration. I want to be able to feel better for 2 days maybe 3. I want some way to remember how shity my life was from when I can remember to where I am right now. I am 12, like I said before...I see a therapist..what's up with that? I have lost many friends, and they all therten to tell if I ever do it again. One of my friends found out...I told him they were old. Like alomost everuone else has said on this page...it's like a drug...very addicting and I want to do it again. I wanted to do it about 2 nights ago. I was talking to my friend and I ran to her house about 1 mile away in the snow. That's fucked up, but I wanted to cut. I came home not wanting to cut, but again tonight I want to cut. I don't cry...it doesn't hurt. Until you have to put water on it. That kills. If you are thinking about doing this...don't...if you already have I know what it's like...and for the first time ever a 12 year old knows what it's like. It sucks...I want to go back and take it all back, but I can't. I want to go back and never cut...but it's too late and I'm suffering. I cry almost every night because when I don't cut it's really hard and I need to relsease my feelings. When I do cut I cry because it hurts when you grab my arm to show my a fight or your cell phone. I have cut 4 times and I'm addicted. They were deep...I hate it! 041130 ... CC I LOVE ALEX 041201 ... CC I didn't know it would affect me, but it did when someone seen and told on me. My mom found out and cried, I just sat there and stared. I do it, and I will. I can't not do it, it's addicting and a part of me now. My scares get worse and worse form white lines to deep whitish...grayish lines. Sometimes it's hard to breathe, sometimes I'm not even thinking. Then I realize come Monday someone will see...hopefully they won't tell and they'll just be there for me! That's what I want and what I need. I love you friends...but I'm almost dead. 041204 ... There;s thye last one Have you ever thought about it: If I think long and hard about my life from when I was born to where I am right now….I realize that there aren’t too many good things about it. When I was younger and my parents were still together…my mother and father both drank. My dad would drink so much he wouldn’t know what he was doing. My mom finally quit when I was about 3 years old, but my dad didn’t. He would still hurt her, and sometimes he would hurt either my brother, my sister, or me. My mom, then again, realized when I was about 5 that she had to get a divorce. So she did and I would see my dad every other Monday, every Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday. Then he started having room mates live with him. They would stay downstairs, and one of them committed suicide in my dad’s driveway. That scared me and then I disagreed to stay the night. That upset him and he would threaten to beat me. I would cry and have my mom come pick my up. When she got there I would run to the car and we’d leave. Then when I was about 9 I completely refused to see him. I didn’t even believe he was my dad. So we only saw each other on Sunday’s for church that was until he got his new girlfriend and he wouldn’t even go to church. So then we quit seeing each other and he would call about once every 4-6 months. He called on Thanksgiving when I was 12. Said he missed me and we started arguing and he hung up on me. That was when I realized I really didn’t like my life. Reason being was because along with all that my best friend had moved to Florida. My other best friend decided he didn’t want to be my friend anymore. Then my boyfriend decided he also hated me. Then both of my best friends that were girls decided they didn’t want to hang out with me anymore and they disliked me. All this put me in depression along with my mom and step-dad losing a lot of money. It really hurt. I would try constantly to be gone, or always moving. That way I would never think about it. I would never ever think about how screwed up my life was. Well, that all disappeared when I cut my wrist and my mom found out. When that happened my mom tried to ignore it and would buy me anything I wanted. I didn’t want that. Really I didn’t. Now, I’m not sure what I want, or why I want it. I’m not sure if I’m really here or whether or not it’s all a dream 041205 ... Chelsea I could tell you all I have never cut my wrist, but one I would be lieing, and two why would I be on this website? I want to let you all know "yes, I have cut my wrist" and now I have quit. I seen all the people who cared, and yet I seen something I would chose never to have saw. After I cut my wrist...when my arm didn't hurt as bad. I would pull up my sleeves no noticing, but other people would. The people who noticed started to care, even if they hated my guts before. I also lost 4 friend. All my best friends. They still hate me vene though I quit because I seen who I hurt by hurting myself. And reading one of the comments made on this page...someone said that this page was to make people proud of cutting there selves. I will tell you now it is nothing to be proud of and if I could I would take it back. A lot of people cut their selves and I didn't notice it until I did it. But now the world...almost everyone finds some way to hurt them selves either physically or mentally, and sometimes both. It's something that no one can change besides them selves. I quit, and I know as addicting as it is...so can you. All you have to do it throw away your raxors...throw away your knives. Quit burning your selves and scratching your selves...that makes you sounds physco. Yeah so does cutting, and on the other hand for everyone who says all they want is someone who cares (which I said myself) no one wants to care about someone who cuts them selves because you need to care about your self first. You need to realize you're beautiful before someone else can...you need to realize you're really smart before someone else can. And you need to realize that you can be happy, and you can care about your self, and you can quit. I believe that you can...and so should you. For those of you who haven't told your parents tell them...I did and they balled their frickin eyes out. I didn't mean to, but they did. Then because they cried and got me help I noticed "Wow! They actually care about me." Life is going to suck no matter what happens...even if yoiu get one million dollars...because that's how life goes, and you cutting your wrist sure as hell aint' gonna make it better. I know most of you won't believe this...or whatever...but you should. If you need to talk I put my email address on it. Click my name then it'll tell you... 041212 ... . . 041213 ... oE Oh. Didn't catch that up there. Danke Misstree. I can't believe a 12 year old is cutting her/himself. God. When I was twelve sure the hormones hit, and the whole being dateless for the 7th grade dances and, god, the whole hormonal tempest as your body grows parts and you're not even sure what to do with, i mean this thing that was asleep for the first twelve years of your life and NOW you've got this hair and heft in places you don't even want to THINK about and you're trying to make a new friend and suddenly this whole caste system erupts and you can't sit anywhere you want to in the cafeteria anymore and man when that pretty girl in theatre club opens her mouth to smile or sing or talk you get this this weird explosion in your chest, I mean it starts in your belly's bottom and works its way up. Love's fire. Love! Or just infactuation but it seems like love when you're 12. Is there any affirmation of being that equals THAT? The ecstacy and desolation of it. Okay this has NOTHING to do with cutting. ... 041213 ... Kilo I thought cutting was fun and enjoyable until I noticed the scares wouldn't fade. They stayed pink and won't go away and it's amazing how badly you can see them. HA! and you people say they're little white lines, try big pink gashes! 041217 ... . "..and you people say they're little white lines, HA! Try big pink gashes." 041217 ... Kilo Hey...I always post comments here, normally as a different name to...but I have written aroud 5 comments here...and no one at all has said anyone back...almost...but cutting sucks! 041218 ... fa i find when i am cut accidentally i try to prolong the blood flow just a little longer. it is very beautiful. 041218 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl i did it again for the first time in a month/2 months, maybe more. i did it again yesterday i sat and keened and silently screamed and nothing helped the sheer grief i was feeling made me feel as though the only thing i could do to make it better would be to cut. to feel something other than the internal pain i would say i regret it today but i dont... because i have no regrets in life, that's my philosophy. if i dont keep to it then... well. there wouldn't be much left not to regret. i feel guilty today that and i ate, so i feel doubly guilty. however, this is nowhere near as bad as yesterday was so i'm thankful for that. part of me wants the sores to fade, part of me wants them to stay red, raw and bleeding. it's calming. i tried so hard to stop. i looked back on my first post on this page. when i decided that cutting would be the coping mechanism of choice. i know that i didn't understand then what i was getting myself into. such a fool. 041219 ... C Sometimes I want the scabs to heal, and sometimes I want them to stay. Sometimes I want people to stare and notice what I'm going through...and sometimes I hate it and wanna die! But then I like it...it feels good, and makes me feel like I have everything under control...but I don't...I hate it...I hate cutting...I hate wishing to die, but it's a part of me life and now I like it. I have told people I cut and I wanna die...and they just look at me...sometimes I like to present them to everyone else and see what they say...but then..I have lost many friends...so I try nolt to cut...I do, but I don't tell anyone...and if I do it's either Ben, PJ, or Monte...they're all my good friends...it's hard at times...because I've made them cry...because I've been put in the hospital...I don't get it though...why? 041219 ... c I try not to hurt myself. I try not to hurt myself. I try not to hurt myself. Whats the first thing you think of me doing when you see this? Is it hurting myself, or is it me trying not to hurt myself. Do you understand how I feel when I say this to myself I try not to hurt myself I'm guessing you dont because youve never seen me crying on the floor with a blade in my hand staring up and thinking to myself I try not to hurt myself. The part you didn't see was I'm sorry..I try not to hurt myself, Forgive me! 041219 ... Kilo I'm home alone you don't know the shit I could do I could die, and you'd be left right there to cry or I could party and you'd be there with me...But I wanna die...and I don't want you to cry...I wanna be happy can't you see...happy for me is to lay and bleed.. 041219 ... :) I'm gonna draw a picture, a picture with a twist, I'll draw it with a razor blade, I'll draw it on my wrist, as I draw this picture a fountain will appear, and as you see this fountain flow, its washing away my sorrows, washing away my fear, and my troubles will disappear. 041219 ... :) I'm gonna draw a picture, a picture with a twist, I'll draw it with a razor blade, I'll draw it on my wrist, as I draw this picture a fountain will appear, and as you see this fountain flow, its washing away my sorrows, washing away my fear, and my troubles will disappear. 041219 ... its just me Could any of you/us dare to imagine a different way of being. A different and less destructive way of affirming our beings. (sure that's NOT a sentence it's a fragment...out of the key of orality is what i say as a pretext because i'm too damn careless and lazy to spell check and even pay attention. I've said elsewhere that WE HAVE THE KEY TO FREE US FROM THESE CAGES. Okay for some of us there is no other remedy but pharmacalogical intervention - but for about 30 to 40% of us trying to hunker down and hang on as the hinges of our mind are being blown off by the havoc, by the spirit of havoc that pushes us to the the deep end of the blackest ocean - I know of what I speak, believe me. I don't want to open every sore here on blather but I've been rescued from the abyss by simpling choosing to critically think about what I was feeling, what casued it and what am I saying about myself and the feelings I'm experiencing. ...We have to learn to answer that dark, hysterical shrieking voice in our head...we have to. It's tedious and pain staking and a grueling process. Please ya'll stop hurting yourselves. 041219 ... C I cut because I'd rather have physical pain then emotional. I'd rather hurt and it get over the hurt foreer. I wrote 2 poems on cutting yet I'm afriad to pu them on this website...hmmm? 041222 ... CC I wanna fucking die, leave this fucking place, be gone from everything...everything that hurts me, inside and outside. For everyone who actually cares I just want to let you all know I am sorry I fucked up, sorry I slipped this time...Sorry the blade went to deep in my skin...I'm done and I am almost proud now I want you all not to cry, just say Good Bye! That's all I'm worth that's all I need, that's all I want. I want to be left in peace, and I want these people who tell me they care to STOP! You don't care. I want the people who say they're always here for me...to STOP! You're not always here for me, and you won't always be. I want everyone who notices/noticed my cuts...I want you to stop...don't notice and forget you did. I am not worth your thoughts, and I am not worth your worries! Don't be mad about this note, be happy, one less person on your list! 041228 ... Something New I have posted a lot of comments on this website. And some you would know I have cut my wrist, and others...you wouldn't even know it was me! 050103 ... krazee I cut it is a way for me to deal.Today my best friend noticed for the first time. Now he is constantly watching me. I can see him looking at me out of the corner of his eye. I am not any different than I was yesterday. He is just starting to see me beneath the surface. I am not the happy girl he sees everyday in the halls. I know he is worried about me, he asks me to stop. It isn't that I haven't tried; it's that no matter how many times I try I can't. I guess I am lucky in a way at least he knows, I don't have to hide anymore. 050114 ... Chelsea I found out how many people cut their wrists when I started doing it. I became aware of who did by how they acted. If you judge me just by the way I act...you would probably think I'm as happy as can be and so hyper all the time. And I just try to make the best out of the time I have with my friends. I love my friends so much, and that's why I quit cutting, at least, cut down to once a month, maybe twice. My friends worry about me, and try and check me, so I became smarter and moved up a few inches. My mom seen semi-fresh cuts today because I hurt my wrist snowboarding. And she was looking at my wrist...and she saw! But the weird thing is...she didn't say one thing. And she looked right at them! I was shocked, and it kind of makes me want to do it again. And I just don't understand why I feel this need. I shouldn't want to do it because my mom doesn't say anything, but I do! And I need some advice or help. I need to understand why...why I feel this need. And I know it's wrong, and I see a therapist now. After my principal seen at school and called my mom; I see her about every Thursday, but I don't think she actually knows. She hasn't been on the floor crying...looking up...thinking...I can still make my friends proud...just don't do it...and the next thing I know my arm is numb and I'm dripping blood everywhere. But it doesn't hurt when I do it. I try to be happy to cover up the cuts, and I try to act proud...but I'll have my nights...with one of my close friends...when we're laying on my bedroom floor and I'm crying! And I hate crying in front of people. That's the one thing I can not stand, crying in front of other people. And I'm afriad to talk to me therapist about some of my thoughts because she said any signs of suicide or putting myself in danger will be told to my mom. And I would rather just do it, then have my mom know I'm going to. I can tell you one thing...without my friends around...I would probably be dead already. So if you think we can talk email me at wondefulbabe0308@aol.com or IM me at wondefulbabe0308. Thanks... 050129 ... Jess ...... I have cut many times with i believe onli 3 objects razor, broken pepsi can, and a knife. A razor lives in my room! I cut because it makes me feel like my soul is beating the inside of my body screaming to get out and once the razor punctures my skin my soul is able to cry its red tears! :-( my most recent cut has been the deepest! and its taken a while to heal! and my aunt stared directly at it when she asked if i needed help and i replied no and showed her my just freshly healed wrist! she believed me and stared at my arm! I know i need help! but there is no1 out there to help! Not if they don't understand me! I need to be understood before i can be helped! :-( 050205 ... Twizlex when i just hate myself so much, when i cant think of anything else, when i feel numb, when im less then nothing, when i make a mistake. the pain from the knife carries me away, to a wonderful and painfully akward place, where i can feel again. I FUCKING HATE THIS FEELING 050206 ... Chelsea Sometimes I don't understand why I want to cut. But I like it...and I think it's weird. I really like it...exspecially when I'm so upset I can't cry or breathe any longer. Or when the only thing I want to do is get far away...because when I push and slide it across my wrist...the pinch you feel for that moment...is wonderful. I try to hide them; not show anyone, because I don't want anyone yelling at me...or making me feel like sh!t. Even though I obviously already did/do. I hate it when...this is going to sound weird...other people do it. I could cry...because I want to help, and I know what it's like when you already have started. I know how hard it is to quit. And that's the hardest part. Once you start you have to like through everything away. Another reason I did it was to start out new. I feel when I do it everythings okay again. I feel like I'm starting out fresh and clean. Like nothing can stop me from ruling my life. And when people tell me not to do it...I should be happy, they don't see...happy for me is to lay and bleed. I made that up in a poem thingy. But it's true. And maybe if someone actually cared! Gosh! I mean my mom just looks and looks away. Not don't do it or ANYTHING. It makes me feel even worse. But I don't do it for attention...I would just like to be reassured she cares...and I need to be reassured that she's there...my best friend, Chris kept me from doing it one year ago...the sad truth is when we quit being friends, he wasn't there to tell me everything would be okay tomorrow. And everything can start and be new tomorrow...that's when I started...I'm not blaming it on him, just saying he helped me not to do it...and then...now...we are friends again...so I try not to cut...because he means something to me...I love him so much, but nothing would ever be...and my friend Monte and his sister Tiffany...they both make me feel like I'm needed. I just need to be reassured. 050208 ... Cali Open up your eyes, And open wide, I want you to realize, The pain I feel inside. You like to think, Think I’m happy, You think I’m glad, Really I’m sad, You think I’m happy, It’s just meant to be, Get it threw your head, Before you’re dead, Come on, Get out of bed, Put on your fake smile, Walk a mile, Trying to be me, Just say it’s not meant to be, I know it’s not already, It’s just not meant to be, It’s not the world, It’s completely me, Go on thinking, Thinking it’s cool, I slit my wrist, I’m about to rule, I tell you I feel like dirt, I sit on the floor, Knowing it’ll hurt, Looking up with my blade, I still have a chance to say, I never did, But here’s the truth, I accidentally slid. Slid that blade across my arm, Believe me I slid it hard, I wasn’t thinking, I’d still be bleeding, I went too far, Not only will it scare, It’s going to kill me, I told you is it wasn’t meant to be, Sorry it was All Me! Please... 050216 ... kourtney yea im 13 and i cut my wrists i cant stop i got kicked out of school case of it and know one will know the pain i go thourh i cant stop people make a big thing out of it so what if i cut myself leave me the fuck alone im myself and you can all fuck yourself if you think im wrong people lookat me like o thats the suicidal 13 year old but you know what you go thorough what im going thorgh and lets see werer youll be margerachick247@aol.com email me if u wish 050218 ... nor it was accidental i swear. sure, i've been doing it for the longest time now- and when i show my best friend, she said 'nice' then went on with her life. earlier this week i had done it in the washroom after second period.and rolled up my sleeves in french that day -- this really sexy guy beside me kept staring at my wrists when i noticed what i had done. he says nothing, but its obvious what he knows. about half an hour ago i did it again. my arm now stained with red, as it seeped through my favorite black sweater, i lost all feeling. it doesn't matter. no one cares anyway. it won't stop. maybe this time i won't have to. 050223 ... Amy will I be denied christ, my suicide... 050227 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl tourniquet don't we all need one. it's when the mental scars won't stop bleeding that you have to let it flow out of the wrists. every day i really really want to every day i go to bed and feel sad that i haven't cut every day i wake up and see the horrible fat. on top of that are the faded red marks. maybe this time i can slice the fat off. 050301 ... Amy uufffffff! it feels so real, I´m so free, unless it is only for a few minutes...the only way to stop my tears and reduce the pain. 050306 ... me why is that everybody stoped writing here!! did you all quit?? 050309 ... Im Sorry...didnt think Id be bleeding I thought...that maybe last time...would be the last time I would cut, I wanted the friends back that I had lost. I did it again...recently...I didn't notice how bad it was...until people kept on noticing...without me wanting them to...and them telling how bad they were this time...the worst I've ever done before. This time instead of only cutting across my arm...I also went down...they were and still are really bad. I went snowboarding with a couple of friends and my boyfriend. I seen my boyfriends arm and noticed he had cuts going across his arm. It scared me...I love him...and don't want him to die..I want him to stay with me... So my friend and I made a deal. I want to quit cutting. And she use to make herself puke. Now if I cut, she gets to puke for a week, and if she pukes, I get to cut. I really think this will be the last time...and if I fail...hopefully it will be because this time I died... 050320 ... *Amy* I felt that sensation again. I was trying not to cut anymore, but this time was too much, I can`t bare all that any more. The sensation came again because of all of you, spreading all over my body and my mind, the only temporary solution I find is to cut my wrist, so much better now 050417 ... taylor Cutting is so complicated! I love it but i hate it. I enjoy the short term feeling but hate the long term. My therapist says i am having a "relationship" with cutting. I don't understand that. I have been cutting for almost two years now. On and off as I go. Some how I have fallen deeply addicted to the feeling of bleeding on my own. It's nice feeling like you have control over how you are scared. I don't know what to say about it. It's hard. I love to cut because it feels good, it's a release, i am relaxed and it gives me something to think about. I don't want to cut because of what and how my family and boyfriend react. They only want to help but the just think that you can say " I am never going to again" and never think about it. That's bullshit. It becomes a habit if you think about it. I fantasize about cutting all the time. I daydream I am laying in a corner of a tiled room and i am cutting with blaring music and i go too deep and i am frantically trying to wipe the walls with my blood and i crouch in the corner scream and cover my ears and then i pass out, then my boyfriend comes in and holds my limp body. Even though i don't die, i end up in the hospital and the my daydream is over. I have soo many of them. I like to make my own tools to cut with. cardboard cutters and new shaving razors ripped and broken into shards. It's releif. I will write back soon ...i have more to say. 050428 ... because you kill me I hate it when people notice my cuts. I get scared that they will tell someone and I am embarrassed because I hate them. I hate them so much-- that I tend to cut even more. Broken shaving Razors, cardboard cutters- sometime i will just scratch at my hands until there is a burn left. It's stupid, It's a habit. 050428 ... *Amy* and there it comes that feeling again, can`t stop myself , I need a cut....again 050430 ... because you kill me Crap. Why is it so hard. I WANT to stop. I WANT to cut. Complete opposites. How can it be so difficult? 050503 ... erynn cutting is an addiction a paradise from pain without it i would kill myself either that or go insane 050619 ... *Amy* how a need a cut! I don`t know how to take this pain out of myself, it doesn`t stop. it keeps growing. it hurts 050625 ... swept along I promised her. I promised her I wouldn't do it again. And I did. I don't know why. I wasn't upset. I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I just needed to. The blade was right there. It didn't even hurt. This time. I felt nothing. Within minutes I felt bad. Guilty. I broke her promise. And if she knew, It would break her. I've basically just cut her wrist with my own blade. With my own hands. How could I have done this to her. The pain I feel, the guilt I feel for breaking our promise to each other just makes me want to cut again. All I wanted to do was help her. And by cutting myself, just then, I have killed her. 050818 ... swept along "Small, simple, safe price. Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets. This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals. And I am not afraid to die. I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight. I want the pain of payment. What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts. Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks. Would you be my little cut? Would you be my thousand fucks? And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid. To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts. My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter. I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart. Love is not like anything. Especially a fucking knife." I love that last bit. 050819 ... sam have you ever thought no one cared u were all alone and the only thing that matterd was sitting there with the razor in your hand pressing againts your body then sliding it one way and hearing the slicing noise to me it is so comforting it doesnt even hurt ne more it feels more like when u see a rainbow that relaxing feeling but the reason i do it is because of people..people who think there shit dont stink and have to put people down to be happy or cool..but what happens when they actually make soemeone kill them self they will have to live with that so is it rele worth it? i wrote this poem for one of my friends who commited sucude because fo bullying: crimson tears poured from her wrists her body lifeless, her world a mist swept under by waves of hurt and pain struggling for breath, but never again the words, the rumours tore her apart scars cut through, right from her heart her skin a mess, but her soul alive wishing, praying not to die but over this she had no control her strength is dying, growing old the light is fading, her angel gone her death is near but the reason wrong dont try to help me, just let me die let me drown in my sorrows, the tears I cry what she is saying, will never make sense until you have been through her pain so intense the memories held within do nothing but hurt a life without meaning drops blood on her shirt the reason of nothing, the truth held within her body not soul trapped inside a coffin her reasons, her pain, her stories live on trying and striving, her memory lives strong shes trying to tell you, her body cant speak for now she is dead, she is helping the weak her angel still there, always by her side watching above on her body and mind the angel within they call it her soul the angel that helps all her stories unfold a lesson to others that strength is within the bullies are weak, do not let them win. so ya to all u cutters i just wanted to tell u that ur not alone im here for u dont worry and i know that u here for me 050831 ... swept along That poem was gorgeous. And sad. I've decided i really have to make an effort to stop cutting now. She has. So i need to. I remember being so much more happy before i felt the need to cut. And i want to go back to that happiness. And back to who i was then. 050901 ... swept along That poem was gorgeous. And sad. I've decided i really have to make an effort to stop cutting now. She has. So i need to. I remember being so much more happy before i felt the need to cut. And i want to go back to that happiness. And back to who i was then. 050901 ... peyton on the left side of my face near my eye 051019 ... Nepenthe I posted on this word a little over a year ago, with the same name. I forgot about this site and stumbled across it again. On the subject of cutting, I suppose the act itself never really did anything for sadness. It kills anger, though, very effectively. It makes me feel numb. It burns, and I like the burn. I went farther than one should with it and now I have these nasty scars that look like worms stuck to my skin. No one sees these. It's still something to do for boredom. Largely, cutting is a way for people to be heard whose creative centers seem to be clogged. People who don't know what to do with all of this shit that's inside of them. It's something that will be grown out of. That may have been what it was for me, but the habit of the act is not quite wearing away in the same way. It's like smoking, really. Don't kid yourselves. It's just another bad habit. 051115 ... the end i have been thinking about it again. But i dont think i could bring myself to do so once more. Its enough hassle trying to hide the large purple scars from everyone, and i can't imagine the bright red gaps in my arms to be any easier. Especially for gym and having to take your hoodies and any other coat off in the caff. Its been over a year, im happy but i feel like im missing something. Smoking is my bad habit though. And various other things. But whenever i get a little.. i don't know.. i can't explain it, i think other things. In the middle of class i have wanted to shove an entire pencil right into my ear. Fuck its annoying. Maybe i need more mg in my persription. Just erase the pain with rainbow capsuls. Quite delightful. 051116 ... the end i have a lot to say about this. i just can't word it. 051116 ... BiTe~Me THERES ALOT TO SAY ABOUT IT FORST OFF ONCE I STARTED I COULDENT STOP. WHEN PPL NOTICED I GOT SCARED AND EMBARESSED AND MA BEST FRIEND TOLD ME TO PROMISE I WOULDENT DO IT. I PROMISED BUT I DIDENT KEEP THE PROMISE. I JUST GET SO MAD THAT I CANT CONTROL MYSELF SO I START CUTTING I LIKE TO SEE THE BLOOD AND I LIKE THE FEEL OF THE BURN AFTERWORDS IT PUTS ME IN A DIFFERENT WORLD. IF MA MOM EVER FOUND OUT WAT I DO SHE WOULD PROLLY SEND ME SOMEWHERE IF YOU KNOW WAT I MEAN. I TRY TO STOP BUT ITS LIKE A DRUG BECAUSE WHEN I TRY TO HOLD BACK ALL I CAN THINK OF IS HOW GOOD IT WOULD FEEL IF I CUT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IT ALSO HELPS ME FALL ASLEEP I TURN TO A RAZOR ALOT ESPECIALLY ONE POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I WAS ALWAYS SO MAD AND DEPRESSED THAT THE INSIDE PART OF MY ARM LOOKED LIKE A EXPERIMENTAL CUTTING BOARD. 051130 ... IGG it's so odd i was going to post on this yesterday. life is cold again. 051201 ... *Amy* I feel like it`s all coming back to me now. I was so much better than before, I wanted to do a lot of things, I wanted to be so much better person, but evidently there`s something that`s wrong. It seems like I cannot do all the things I wanted because everytime I find a wall in front of me. And delusions, and envy, and it`s soooo frustrating. And when last night I saw that girl with the scar in the wirst I just felt jelous, and I just wanted to cut again. I want to have that ugly but pleasent scars in my wirst again, and I will do them. Itp s not fair I want to improve but there`s allways someting in the way... 060212 ... *Amy* I feel like it`s all coming back to me now. I was so much better than before, I wanted to do a lot of things, I wanted to be so much better person, but evidently there`s something that`s wrong. It seems like I cannot do all the things I wanted because everytime I find a wall in front of me. And delusions, and envy, and it`s soooo frustrating. And when last night I saw that girl with the scar in the wirst I just felt jelous, and I just wanted to cut again. I want to have that ugly but pleasent scars in my wirst again, and I will do them. It`s not fair I want to improve but there`s always someting in the way... 060212 ... the end Out of all the pages i have visited on blather, this page takes the longest to load. 060217 ... Bricks in a police station with a key 060305 ... ivyducktwilightseto well I did it again. I did type out three pages of shit to say, but fuck it. fourteen deep cuts on my thighs with a pair of scissors, where no one sees them. Bleeding on my shower curtain. I almost feel at home in these moments. The old scars seem to have almost faded out of sight. I'm not ready to let go of this yet. The pain just feels too good for me to stay away any longer. But for the love of fucking god won't someone come and do something to make me stop doing this to myself. Because alone.... i never will. 060410 ... me i never used to cut myself. even five or six months ago, if i had been told that id be sitting on my bed with a broken razor blade, just slicing my forearm just to watch it bleed and feel the pain, i wouldve thought they were crazy. i was always one of those gorls who said "crazy mother-fuckers, who would do that?" but that was before my life went down the loo. depression hit so hard and fast it spun me around. i couldnt handle it, and still cant to this very day. my friends just say im emo and leave it alone, and i laugh with them. but it gets harder every day. i had had a best friend, about as close as you can get w/o turning lesbian and going steady. we told each other everything, so when "it" happened, i waited until i couldnt take it anymore, then i broke and told her. she listened and was sympathetic, just like the rules say. but then i felt like i couldnt be sure if she was for real. so i started lashing out at her(emotionally and verbally, not physically), i suppose in a sense i was testing her to see if she would stick by me. and she did. but i had given her a big part of me, and i have real trust issues anyway. so i continued to poush her away, hating her for being so good to me. finally i created a ridge so large we couldnt bridge it(i didnt want to) but i still see her everyday in class, and it makes my blood run cold and my gut twist into a knot. even today, i was reaching for my binder on the floor and didnt notice she was closer to it than i was, so when she picked it up and handed it to me, my blood just froze. it made me depressed for the rest of the day, so when i got home i immediately went to my room, locked the door, and began to cut. im afraid im doing the same thing to another friend, except shes also doig it to me. were both making snide comments to each other, and although i do this all the time, shes never done it before. i think she has something gong on at home and has the same issue as me: the "fear" of having people care too much so you pretend to be happy 060523 ... me i never used to cut myself. even five or six months ago, if i had been told that id be sitting on my bed with a broken razor blade, just slicing my forearm just to watch it bleed and feel the pain, i wouldve thought they were crazy. i was always one of those girls who said "crazy mother-fuckers, who would do that?" but that was before my life went down the loo. depression hit so hard and fast it spun me around. i couldnt handle it, and still cant to this very day. my friends just say im emo and leave it alone, and i laugh with them. but it gets harder every day. i had had a best friend, about as close as you can get w/o turning lesbian and going steady. we told each other everything, so when "it" happened, i waited until i couldnt take it anymore, then i broke and told her. she listened and was sympathetic, just like the rules say. but then i felt like i couldnt be sure if she was for real. so i started lashing out at her(emotionally and verbally, not physically), i suppose in a sense i was testing her to see if she would stick by me. and she did. but i had given her a big part of me, and i have real trust issues anyway. so i continued to poush her away, hating her for being so good to me. finally i created a ridge so large we couldnt bridge it(i didnt want to) but i still see her everyday in class, and it makes my blood run cold and my gut twist into a knot. even today, i was reaching for my binder on the floor and didnt notice she was closer to it than i was, so when she picked it up and handed it to me, my blood just froze. it made me depressed for the rest of the day, so when i got home i immediately went to my room, locked the door, and began to cut. im afraid im doing the same thing to another friend, except shes also doig it to me. were both making snide comments to each other, and although i do this all the time, shes never done it before. i think she has something gong on at home and has the same issue as me: the "fear" of having people care too much so you pretend to be happy 060523 ... Emptyness Alive cuttting yourself dont help in the long run. it just gets you attention you dont want. things happen life is shit but there will always be a reason to carry on. to not give give in 060523 ... Emptyness Alive cuttting yourself dont help in the long run. it just gets you attention you dont want. things happen life is shit but there will always be a reason to carry on. to not give up give in 060523 ... cady i started right after my dad left just to prove to myself i was strong and could live without his acceptence and without his love. then i got to where i couldnt go a day without it... i was even doing it in the middle of class. and thats saying a lot at my school we have less then 30 kids in each class total. i started wearing jackets all year round and one of my teachers asked me and my lame reply was "i just like jackets, gosh." my friends didnt suspect a thing till i was in the middle of a tickle fight with one of them and she grabbed my wrist so hard that it started bleeding. i tryed to make excuses so she wouldnt worry or question me... or most importantly try and make me stop. but she did these puppy dog eyes and started tearing up. we've been best friends since we were 2. she just started questioning me and i couldnt deal with it. i had to leave i ran home and i avoided her at school for 2 weeks. which is saying a lot cuz yet again really small school and our names are together alphabetically. but she wrote me a long note in class so i answered her. but stupid me i brought the note home thinking my mom wouldnt go through my drawers. i went to work this fundraiser for my teachers cuz thats whats expected of all the the perfect little straight 'A' students. well while i was away my mom decided hey lets go through my daughters notes. and when i got home at 1 am she confronted me about it. yelling at me like i had done something wrong. just because i upset this perfect little facade she had set up since dad left. i became the problem. i became the one to blame. dad wasnt there to sheild me anymore he wasnt there to take all the shit from her. im hardly ever passive when it comes to fights so i ripped her a new one for going through my shit while i was off raising money for the school. so she started checking my body for cuts and she did that for like 2 months. so in the mean time i turned to drinking yay me i get to add something else to my list of fuck ups. even after she stopped checking cuz she thought i had stopped i kept drinking and then one of my long time class mates boyfriends got me to do pot and bars with him. so i got to add that to my list as well. of course by day i was still the perfect kid i had been raised to be. played basketball, did track, made straight a's. no one could tell. i hadnt cut for a year and half till just the other day. when i found out the only person in my family who i can stand would hate me if they knew i was gay. hell half the people in my county would hate me if they knew i was gay. i guess i just couldnt handle the thought of losing him as a friend. so i guess its just me and my blade again. well really my brothers blade since my mom still wont let me have mine back. its been like 3 years you think she would give it back by now but noooo. i know totally pointless story of my life. but oh well. 060610 ... me I decided I dint want long stripes on my arms, so instead I began cutting in shapes-like a broken heart on my arm(heart on my sleeve…hah) I thought it was high enough to be hidden by my sleeves so I could wear t-shirts, but it wasn’t so for the first week or so I would cover it with a Band-Aid(another reason shapes are good-) and say it was a bug bite. Cutting it in a shape also gave me more focus when I was doing it so it helped more than just hacking away with no purpose. Anyway, one day my two best friends in the whole world came over and saw it, but didn’t press on the subject(by now it was scarring enough to not look scabby nemore). Then I went over to one of their houses and they were both there and they asked again and wouldn’t let me leave until I admitted I did it to myself. Then they asked that eternal question: WHY? I couldn’t tell them-it hurt too much. How an I supposed to explain that its like an addiction, that the pain gets so intense that you need to balance the emotional with the physical? You can't ever know the depth until you’ve been there, so I knew no matter what I said, they would still not get it. So I said “I don't know” and I knew they knew I was lying. Finally my friend kicked me out and I felt really bad cuz she looked like she was gonna cry… so me n my other friend went outside and she made me swear to stop. I said I would, but asked her if she would be pissed if I did it again anyway. She just gave me this Look that made me wanna puke, it was so full of sadness and disappointment and…fear? She just said she would be disappointed in me, and coming from her(she is NEVER serious, she’s always happy) I knew she was really worried. They both were. That made me feel guilty, but then just the next day I was really low. I couldn’t help it, and I did it again, just on my thigh(near my pubic area). I've been cutting there and its a lot easier to hide, it just sorta hurts to bend your leg right there, but you can't see it with the right swimsuit so its alright. But I feel so bad for betraying her trust, I can't imagine what would happen if they found out. Then my mother, the unobservant woman she is, noticed a couple days ago(the heart)(two months after I've done it) and gives me a 2 min lecture. That’s it. When she fist started I was like O SHIT cuz I knew id get shipped away to some asylum. But since it was in a shape I said as innocently as I could I had just “wanted a tattoo”. I have pierced my own ears twice, so it wasn’t hard to believe. She just said “don't ever do it again” and let me leave. but of course for my grades she gives me a two hour lecture. Wtf? 060619 ... me My dad is the biggest bastard on the face of the planet. He just got married today, and he told me yesterday. On fathers day. What irony. What a cutting session that was. I even got a new razor. I forgot how much nicer it is with a new one. But anyway, as soon as I had found out, I called my friend, and sobbed on the phone to her WHILE cutting. It was amazing how much pain can lessen by combining those two types of things. 060619 ... Roaul Duke i havent cut myself in a few years. i did it to prove to myself that i had control over my body, to be able to enter a different state of conciousness. the first time i ever had to do that was when i was five and my mom was withdrawling from heroin, and i told her i was hungry, she snapped and hit and kicked me for what seemed like hours although im sure it was only 20 or 30 minutes. as the pain grew stronger my mind slipped into another place. 060619 ... *Amy* a friend of mine saw my scars a few month ago and ask me about them. I didn`t knew what to say, it seems that there`s something that don`t let me think what would be my answer in those situations. So I got off his car and run to my house without explainig anything. Somehow I wanted someone that I knew to see them to know what would happen. Well, he didn`t say anything else, I went dinner with him, only the 2 of us, but he didn`t ask me anything. It wasn`t my intention that he sees them but as it happened I felt good that someone of the people I know noticed there`s something wrong behind this perfect facade, that makes them think I have nothing missing. 060620 ... me ive been thinking, about why people are so disturbed by cutting, and ive come to a realization. cutting is just like smoking, maybe better. they both make the pain go away, relieve stress, make people feel better for a little while. but no one gives a shit if someone pulls out a cigarette, when cigarettes give you cancer and causes second hand smoke too. cutting is personal, only you know(unless others concern themselves enough to point out the scars)and it affects only you. its only dangerous if you use a rusty blade or the cut gets infected, yet people seem to thinks its a horrible thing. does anyone else think its unfair? 060624 ... (_) true, though . . . i have two round scars from scratching; they mostly go unnoticed. that was pain, in many manifestations, and pain is not meant to feel good. instead of keeping you safe it makes you vulnerable. so. 060624 ... Roaul Duke pain doesnt make you vulnerable when you are the one causing it. for me it was strength because i could control my sense of pain, make it non-existent. 060627 ... i name my razor blades i am a cutter. after reading all this depressing stuff i have to say i did cut. it's an addiction i'm never going to break. in the beginning, i saw that poems helped me...they don't anymore. each day i slowly get worse... one day it seemed like everything just crashed down on me. my mom called the cops on me. they came over, saw my scars, asked questions...liked they cared. i was the insane 12 year old who cut. i'm 13 now. after telling them my mom used to be abusive, one police officer looked me straight in the eye and told me it was alright for parents to hit children. later, because i was considered insane in their opinion, i had to ride in an ambulance to the hospital. they took all kinds of tests on me, took blood, made me pee in a cup, took my blood pressure. a lady had to come and "assess" me to see if i was really insane or not. i had been silently crying the whole night. very traumatizing. the lady finally told me that i wasn't insane, just suffered from depression. wow, maybe the fact that i WASN'T hearing voices or that i WASN'T practicing santanic worship might have clued her in when she asked me. people just don't understand. i have finally stopped cutting my arms, and recently started on my thighs. it's amazing how stupid people are. they don't even see the scars all over my arms that are practically blinding because they're pink against white - my very very pale skin. it's amazing how fucked up the world is, too. so if you need any help with cutting or w/e, you can contact me. believe me, i've been through it. 060704 ... me christ, i feel so numb. completely empty. its so horrible, worse than the depression. its making me cut even more, and ive been trying to hold back on it; i cant cut certain days cuz i have work and it'd interfere with that. im jusst cutting deeper and watching it bleed, seeing how much i can get it to bleed. the only thing im worried about is getting caught and being sent somewhere, im terrified of that. its the only thing that makes me hesitate, and then the cold, lifeless feeling washes over me again and i just cut so i can feel something again. i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all 060725 ... Much Like Falling Reading all of these stories... it makes me feel better about myself. Knowing that I'm not the only one who feels like this.... All of my friends have slowly drifted away from me ever since I started. Even my own boyfriend, who does it himself, had begun to push me away. I guess that they realize that I may be taking things too far when I do it. There are so many scars... the old ones don't even show. It looks like someone just took a razor and hacked off the skin on my left wrist... I can't go a week without doing it, and when I do I regret it. My razor is begining to get dull... When I started, I thought it would only be just that one time. It's been a year, and I haven't stopped yet... 060813 ... Violet Strangt a few scars on my leg, i was so young. 060825 ... me 'tis the season to be cutting fa la la la la... 060916 ... who gives a shit ya i cut. som,e times bad not on my arms though....mom would see secks bad but i love the feel of a razor cutting into my skin......email is angel81291@yahoo.com if ya want to email me. 061210 ... pete fuck. i really was looking forward to going in to work tonight after a week of intense academics. there's something in cooking dinner service that, first, increases the stress levels to the breaking point and then, second, lets it sail clear out. 070406 ... Isaou Friday 13th.. Supposedly unlucky but I beg to differ because I have stumbled across this page. Entry after entry of others who know how it is, who know how satisfying it is to just run that blade across my skin. Shit gets to people. People cut. Shit is numbed for a while. Handy. Yeah well...there's some great people on here & some who just need someone & also a lot of great deep thoughts. Here to help if needed.. 070413 ... crapping bird some Crapping Bird did a huge Poop on my car on the 1st. i hope it doesn't do it again today! 070413 ... crapping bird some Crapping Bird did a huge Poop on my car on the 1st. i hope it doesn't do it again today! 070413 ... Isaou I guess I hope it doesn't either... 070413 ... more more more more What is going on here? More on my upper arms? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!? Why Why Why Why? I don't know. I don't even fucking know, why why why. Panics. Like I'm in a vice. Like I'm in a fucking pressure cooker. That feeling in my chest, my chest, my chest, my chest. I need a knife, then, I press and pull. A filet knife. Poor salt in it, if i'm feeling daring. It's so funny. It's so stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. I'm nothing, I'm absolutely nothing. Fuck me. Fuck me. And it will always be like this. Always. This is the way I am, for now and forever. SO GIVE ME A JOINT AND THAT FUCKING FILET KNIFE, EVERYTHINGS GUNNA BE ALRIGHT TONIGHT. 070414 ... nobody it will be alright, until i decide to cut again, and then, it will be perfect, i don't really cut, i scratch an itch, i'm allergic to life? it's a red shining star, carved into my hand forever, i caught a falling star and now 070508 ... Isaou A jagged heart Forever a part of me now 070509 ... mellow yellow oh... make it soft then... i've designed a new 8 - i designed it in the shower. its two hearts interconnected (mirrored) - it even looks better than a ying yang... it's got no dark in it, a bit like my friends wrist tattoo, that's cool too. (don't fill it in- it needs to be white inside) 070509 ... mellow yellow oh... make it soft then... i've designed a new 8 - i designed it in the shower. its two hearts interconnected (mirrored) - it even looks better than a ying yang... it's got no dark in it, a bit like my friends wrist tattoo, that's cool too. (don't fill it in- it needs to be white inside) 070509 ... Isaou Wow...your name's Mellow Yellow [YUM] & you have a creative idea... mind if I..? 070509 ... frankensteins creature copy your cut a carbon copy of ink? or blood? both stain but that's too fake i cut because i like it i look forward to it it's my reward and you cut because 070509 ... Isaou because I can. 070602 ... _______________ _______________ 070603 ... asher they say that over a seven year span every cell in the body is replaced. you are completely new. it's a frightening thought. now, I look at the fading white and shining purple lines that inch along the flesh & realize that the person who made them is completely different from the person who sees them today. is different from the person who makes new marks for different reasons. mapping_the_flesh. refecting on and cultivating this seven_years scar_garden. 080319 ... fried happy graduate, filet knives to cigarettes, no contest you thrive now on compounds, dull, the sound ringing in your skull, no pirouette from the guests they're fed up with your head case delusional dread, the usual spread, cherry red to the flesh, it's occasional, fresh and unfavorable, open and savorable, cable news spit bible blues into pews of jews and canoos, the hebrews were eschewed to the lewd crude and rude reading of jude by, yours truly, the dude. 110329 ... you I do it to feel because it rhymes with eternity but I do not you want cuts getakitten 140412 what's it to you? who go blather from