cutter cant use my normal name He acknowledged me as one in a conversation we were having. It hurt. I don't want him to think of me as his girlfriend a cutter. I haven't cut for a long time now. God knows ive wanted too. I think about it doing it almost everyday but talk myself out of it. Im giving myself time to heal. 020729 ... Freak I couldn't take it any longer. I gave into the want again. 020730 ... RavenousEyes It's that feeling again. I came home yesterday with the stress bowing my shoulders. Same ol' shit. I had every intention of trying to talk to you about it. To try and work through it. But you blew up at me in the shower. What was I suppossed to do? I fought it, I fought the worst battle in the world. To cut or not to cut. To feel the blood flow in warm rivlets down my arm, or hold it in and hope it went away. The urge, the desire. I promised, I said I wouldn't, I believed myself. But I'm a failure, always will be. When I told you I thought I was pregnant, you got upset. Ask if I was sure. Should we get a test. I told you not to worry. You don't have to be responcible. I raised a whole family, what's one more? You left. Left me to my thoughts, to my struggle. I wasn't strong enough. No, that blade is too dull. So is this one. Ah, here it is. Oh god, it's so red. Is it always this red? Maybe it's not dark because I wasn't wrong. No, no, I'm always wrong. One Two Three Four Shit I can't see, too much blood. Wipe it off, keep going. Don't fail yourself. Other arm, Five Six Twelve Twenty Fuck, what time is it? He left at 11:45, it's almost 3. Where did the time go? Must have blacked out, jesus, more cuts than ever. If I'm P, I have to stop. Can't let baby know mom's a fuck up. I have to stop. I don't want to stop. I can't stop. If only I had help... If only you cared. 030927 ... purple kisses This time he asked me, or rather commanded that I do it. I didn't really care about the idea of doing it, it was the fact that it was like a direct order and I sometimes don't like authority...but when he wouldn't talk to me I was stuck somewhere I didn't want to be. So I ended up doing it and I suspected this all along--he just hates me. There's nothing I can do, but I was hoping...i guess for nothing because that's all it will amount to. 040218 ... Eowithien I used to identify as that...I don't know now...I haven't cut for...oh, maybe a month? I really don't know. Actually, probably only half a month. I miss it. Its really difficult, especially now that I have to see a therapist and might get medication. Thats up to me though, luckily...I haven't decided if I want to yet. If I do, it'll probably be Prozac. Pleh. I miss it. 040218 ... JUSTme almost every day i have 2. 2 get through my day. so i dont feel the pain. my heart overloads with stress and sadness that can only be taken away by one thing. my razor blade. 040219 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl fuck. i want to i need to im trying to find a place thats not very noticeable god i tried so hard to talk myself out of it but it makes me so much calmer no more pain inside. why the fuck don't they get that? over and over again why do you do it? why do you do it? why do you do it? i told her over and over again the release the sweet sweet release like nectar sweet sensation short time they don't fucking listen if i want to cut then why won't they let me? it's such an urge it whispers and pleads and screams and cajoles it won't relent then it disappears. i wait and peek and then it creeps back wraps itself around me like some icy blanket and mutters cut cut cut........ shit this is hard. i dont want scars they told me that nobody wants to hire a fuck up. they say i have brains that i shouldn't throw my chances away by doing this but i need it they say its psychological yeah, it probably is. but it keeps me sane or maybe i've already snapped. they don't get it, because they've never done it. my cousin, she told my mother what it was like my mother thought it was freakish strange abnormal she couldn't understand. for open minded people, my parents are so close minded about this that its sad. i went to a party on valentines day it was really boring, and everyone there was pissed, so we got some blue square and joined them. everything was happy and shiny until somebody did something and i started feeling really bad. i went outside and started shouting a load of shit and then ran into the loos when they finally dragged me back into the building. after locking myself in the cubicle, i sat and scrathced away at the healing wounds on my arms until they were red and bleeding again, my tears dropping and mingling with the blood. everyone was screaming my name it scared me so i scratched more one of my friends had locked herself into the other cubicle and had been crying in there. she was pissed too. she talked to me afterwards. said that she knew how i felt, she saw my red and bloody arm in the loos. turns out that a lot of people i know will be scarred too. i'll see how they deal with having to get a job with scars. 040219 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl oh shit look how much came out. that should probably be under cut. 040219 ... JUSTme Cuttin is the complette oppisite of suicidel...normally....cutters cut so that they feel better. suicidal ppl cut so that they can die. 040219 ... bite_me cutting is sometimes what helps people not to be suicidal. 040220 ... misstree cutting is a coping mechanism, with aspects of self-punishment and release of emotions (as there is a distraction from the pain). many/most suicide attempts are both a way of seeking release (though the complete release of death isn't the one they seek) and a way of saying, "shit's fucked, i can't do this" without adding the phrase "on my own," because asking for help is one of the hardest things that you can do when you're feeling really vulnerable. when i was the age of many who have shared stories on this page, i indeed planted a small scar_garden... it's easily hidden, and i kept it small, just doing enough to make it through... it's like anything else, excess can be very dangerous... and i know that location isn't exactly decided on a whim for most people, but if you can keep the scars off of forearms, trust me, it will cut down on questions and weird looks for the rest of your life... it's not a shameful thing per se, but it is a sign that you're using harming yourself as an escape mechanism... there are better ways to go... but those can't always be accessed.... these days, the occasions that a blade bites my flesh are pretty much all part of ritual... it does have a very strong power of focus, and the strong sensations can be channeled well... but it is with calm mind and intent... there is control... it is something so personal that there is no pride or shame, simply Being... i dunno... i wish that i could show all that things *can* be endured, that it gets easier, that any form of escapism should be used sparingly, as sparingly as you can, build your strength like you build muscles, push yourself... abusing escapism is alcoholism, drug addiction, adrenaline addiction, nymphomania, and in all of these, each one, you are lowering yourself by allowing yourself to be controlled by an outside factor... hold yourself as high as you can... when you do return to it, do it with reverence, with proper weight... and know... it will get better... life becomes more tolerable the more you do it... i swear to you... 040220 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl its so hard to believe that life gets better when you really have to experience it yourself to know. 040220 ... misstree i know. if i could, i would download that one fact into each brain that needed it, as Truth. but all i can do is say, i know. i have felt my own version of what you feel (for each life is different, each pain is different, each joy is different, but we are all human hearts) and if you have any faith in my words, gather them close to these three: it gets better. let those words wrap themselves around you, warm and caring blanket, and soothe what they can. (helpful hint from the playful land of tree: in times of need, curling up and singsonging those or whatever words you choose, softly, mantralike, letting your mind drift and your body hug itself and rock, can sometimes help disperse badnastiness in the brainbox. it will take effort to let go. parts of your mind will fight its own recovery, especially since releasing yourself when things are badnasty is especially hard. try. be as strong as you can, and try.) 040220 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl that thought is like a wavering candle, i'm just hoping it won't blow out :) thank you for your words, misstree. i don't mean to be blatherstalking you, by the way, in case it looks that way. 040220 ... jane her pain is my pain. she told me she was cutting her forearm and pouring hot wax on it. she told me it was the only thing that made her happy. i wish i was enough for her 040220 ... jane he was surprised to see her after months. her scars had become worsened. he knew what she did to herself. but he was from the south, where such things were incidental and rarely talked about sorry, i'm drunk. i can't write about this anymore 040301 ... Piso Mojado last night- it was either cutting or hagendaz icecream. i went for both numb numb numb this pain 040302 ... Briar~Rose i cut the word cutter into my arm. got into trouble always get into trouble for cutting havnt done it for months want to do it so bad rite now to ease the pain in my heart so i can sleep without nightmares of that stupis australian BITCH fuck i hate her i want to cut again to be a cutter again o yea too bad my "scar garden" is on my forearm. 050422 ... *Amy* all that was too much for me. I couldn`t stand it, so I cut again and it made me feel better. now I have another scar, they won`t fade. no one ever saw them, I wonder what would you say and do if you knew 050423 ... because you kill me I have been one for two years. I usually tell my boyfriend. But everything goes downhill after that. He gets upset, and blames himself...it can't be him. Is it? The i feel bad and hear bad things....tempted agsin...it sucks big fucking cock. I swear. I hate it. I didn't tell him about three days ago. It would hurt us so bad. DAMNIT! Is it worth it! grrrr....now i need to again... shit. 050428 what's it to you? who go blather from