snapped unhinged unhinged 060218 ... unhinged damnit guess_which_posts_i_did_stoned and/or high ...... once_you_were_more_than_everything 060218 ... unhinged to here you say 'we have to stop doing this; i don't want to lead you on and i just feel so guilty' and when you asked me if i was mad at you and it took me a second to reply because i didn't want you to hear the tears that had quickly welled to my eyes you asked me again if i was mad and again i had to pretend to have a smile in my voice when i said no. and i guess that wasn't a lie; i wasn't mad at you perse. i'm a master of splitting hairs if i can avoid talking to people about my feelings by it. besides, i'm not sure if you are deserving of knowing my feelings. i put amnesiac into the cd player and bawled my eyes out til it was over. as i cried i realized i was upset about my reoccuring situation ever since i broke up with sam ; i absolutely refuse to let anybody get close enough to love me but this petty cycle of meaningless_sex is only making me want to heave myself off of a bridge. i cried because you actually were somewhat of a nice guy but i knew i would never get to be anything other than a fuck_puppet or a friend and since the role of fuck_puppet was making you feel guilty, which pissed me off because it was pretty amazing sex that i don't get the luxury of having often, i was left with friend. i haven't wanted to be someone's 'friend' for quite awhile. i'm sick of giving the someone the emotional convience of a girlfriend while i get no sex and no commitment. fuck being most people's 'friend.' so i guess that means we're done. i was just hoping to get some more regular good sex out of you and maybe a trip to the art museum to see my monet. it was painfully obvious you didn't want me to be your girlfriend and even more painful when you seemed so concerned about leading me on. that more than anything has made me finally realize that my dichotomy between love and sex is really unhealthy. and that i would just like a healthy relationship that involves decent sex with someone who can help me be sane. i cried because just like all the rest of them you didn't want to help me you just want to fuck me. i cried because my timing with the good people is horrible. i cried because you tried to pass your guilt onto me and it made me realize i was horribly numb about a situation i should have never had to feel in the first place and that i'm so broken i might just be beyond repair. that i would feel guilty asking anyone to help me at this point. i'm a recluse and a hermit. i'm not so good at interacting with people face to face. you were a nice guy and i was a good lay. those two things don't seem to mix very well. 060219 ... ivyducktwilightseto well unhinged, I would tell you it will all be okay but I have this strange feeling that doing so will mean nothing to you. But I will tell you that there will almost always be someone out there somewhere that will be willing to listen to your problems. I'm actually experiencing the same thing right now, but I know that sooner or later there will be a release. Yes I am in a hopeful mood, and those are few and far between, but I know I will eventually be all right. Well, all right from my current situation, but god knows when something else will come along. Anywho, keep your head up. I read what you write all the time, and I know that you are a beautiful person that really should not have to go through some of the things that you go through. I suppose I'd love to chat sometime, but I'm feeling a bit reclusive right now as well. So for the moment, much love, peace. 060507 what's it to you? who go blather from