grasshopper I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

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(Sam, you're beautiful and I adore you more than a simple 'I love you' could ever convey)
rxx aww....! 010216
green eggs and ham iam 010216
velvet spasm lucifer_sam 010327
lizardqueen youll never know dear how much i love you please dont take my sunshine away.
Me She's a drug. Only I seem to have never been addicted. 011203
Me Lucifer times... 011203
unhinged what happened to you? we all miss you so much....success can only taste bitter for us now. 011204
mcdougall the one that that i love.
words can't describe my feelings for her. everything about her makes me happy. i want to make her life wonderful. she has already done that for me.i wish she knew i felt this way. i wish she liked me too.
Sam. what would i do with out you.
i love you
ClairE See Samantha. 011205
Annie111 i used to like a sam, but he was a samuel.

i found out that he just dropped out of school. he is probably working for a plumber somewhere. that is how they all turn out.
me Mcdougall...are you ever as happy with Sam as you are doing anything (or with anyone) else? 011221
mcdougall me,
sam is the most amazing person i have ever met. i think about her so much everyday that it makes me hurt. being with her and talking with her are the things in this world that make me compleatly happy. no one else i have ever meet has made me feel this way. i love this feeling i love sam
me mcdougall,
I only long to be loved that way. Sam - such a simple name holds such intrigue. I wonder if others who know her see it, too. They must if she gives you so much passion. Though, either she's a true diamond, or she's a dragon disguised as a Cinderella. Of course, there's a diamond in us all, but not all of us find it. Does she share your passion? I hope she does.
mcdougall me
i know for a fact that other people see it too. lots of other guys have liked her and still do. its hard for me to compeat with them but i try. she is both a dimond and a dragon to me. she brings me happness at times and pain at times. the happeness feels so good i forget about the pain and keep going.but when the pain comes back i long for the happness. like a mobius strip it's a continious path.
share my passion? i hope so too.
me Is there a purpose in the pain? I've learned that in true love, there's always purpose and after the pain is gone, there's growth so that that particular pain doesn't come back. From what I read, that's not so. She must be crazy not to love you. I'd gladly allow myself to be swept away by a love mirroring yours. She must be worth it...her dragon and all. 011230
mcdougall she loves another the way i would like to be loved by her but at least we are friends. perhaps thats why it hurts so much. if thats the reason than bring on the pain im ready to be friends. 020102
me You're crazy. But you're the best kind of crazy. Willing to put yourself at such vulnerabity even though the woman you love loves someone else. She must offer some ray of hope that she may one day love you. If not, what if being so enthralled (if that is what you are, correct me if I'm wrong) with her is blinding you from another? Unlikely, yet quite possible. It has happened to me. Years ago. 020102
mcdougall she does love me. she loves me as a friend. i am happy for that. i just wish there could be more. blinding me? possible indeed. now that i know for sure we will just be friends i can amplify my relationship with an even more Greater friend than sam. one that will always love me back. love me unconditionally . 020104
me Greater...with a capital G. God is greater. You seem to have it all under control. I can't remember why I took such an interest in your blather, but I'm certainly glad I did. You seem like a wonderful young man whose seeking. If you seek, you will find. You'll always be in my prayers. Good luck to you. 020105
whitney youll never know dear, how much i love you. 020609
5 wot, uh...the deal? 020910
the corrector wot's.......uh the deal 020910
taojones How Ridiculous.

shining stupid person, a beacon of nothing in a world of increasing somethingness.

there are so many contradictions, where would I begin? I'll bet the beginning, that's where.

a friend once said, "You know, I alwsays imagined you as a famous radio personality," and I'm not sure what to make of that comment. If said comment were playdough, I would make a little dinosaur, and then I would stomp on it to assert my fearlessness of beast & prey.

what does that tell you?

belly fire don't call me Samantha
only my mother does that.
Samantha can be saved for the beautiful girls...but not for me.
Ick, call me Sam.
mcdougall eater_of_heart
the black_death of my joy
birdmad oh, you've met one of those too...

so glad that's all so far past now.

(all though every now and then the treadmarks still kinda sting, but not like before)
nore i saw sam sitting in the sun at a picnic table today. we talked. he told me to read ishmael and zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. flaming hackey sack. he had an orange t-shirt on. i gave him a ride home. 030220
Mandy My younger sister. It's hard to be around her. Her persistant criticism makes it hard to breathe. I let her make "I can never do anything right" and "I'm ugly and revolting" run through my head about a million times. I try not to let her get to me, but it's hard after so many years. Oh well. I'll suck it up. 030629
birdmad as much as i delude myself that i can just put that time out of my mind, i caught myself thinking of her today, quite out of the blue

but then i do seem preternaturally prone to having my paper_heart run through the shredder

i guess i'm stupid like that sometimes
unhinged i had a dream about you last night. i had opened up one of my journals to copy something into and i flipped past the empty pages and there you were. someday you had written these words in colors and shapes to me. i don't remember what it said now. it was a dream. i am still mourning you. you were my light.
we were sitting in the arby's around the corner from my cousin's house. it was the first time we had seen each other since i had to move home. we were so used to holding each other every night. it was hard for me to get used to falling asleep without you. but we were together again. and of course i felt like everyone in the entire restaurant knew what we had been doing the night before. my cousin's cat and dog and neighbors knew what we had been doing the night before. and i was still in awe of that; it had been about a month since the last time we had sex. having sex with me depressed you because i didn't get off. but it wasn't about you; we never really got to talk about that though. and you were bent on proving yourself to me which i have to say now was definitely not a bad thing. and we sat in that arby's and you told me about your dream. how we were together in this house cleaning up all these toys that some kids had left laying around. you didn't think that they were our kids, but because you were dreaming about us together that was important. it meant that on some other plane we were together. even when we were apart, we were together. dreams meant so much to you. and now when i still dream about you, i think maybe it is because on some plane we are still together. maybe it means like how i pray for you and send you thoughts, that you do the same for me. but chances are, you are mad at me still.
it was the last performance of madame butterfly. sunday matinee. i was so tired when i got home. we couldn't go for a 'drive' because she had to go home and make plans for her sister's wedding so she took me to taco bell. i was sitting in the suite eating when the phone rang. it was you. you asked me where i was. my room...??? because you were up the street at the track. you had just quit your job at pizza hut and didn't have the car. you lived a 20 minute drive or so away. and you were up the street. of course you could come and see me. i wasn't really doing anything. just got back from the opera, sitting eating some dinner. one of those border bowls. so i went outside to wait for you. you talked about how your health was bad; how you used to be able to run and run. then i took you upstairs and gave you some water. you walked all the way from austintown...god. we laid in bed together for a little bit. i put a mixed cd on the stereo but there was a song from your old band on there and i had to get up to change the track but i got up too late and the very first few seconds came on and you laughed at me. i was embarassed. talk about lack of tact. you decided you were going to go walk over to mary's house. i walked you out to make sure you picked up your i.d. at the desk. you turned to me 'i love you. don't think i don't love you. i just get weird sometimes.' i didn't know what to say; my heart stopped. 'i know.' and you leaned down and kissed me. i could see nick walking up towards the door. i watched you walk away. you didn't turn around after you finally started to walk away. you seemed a little bit more bouncy. nick passed me on his way to the door 'that guy sure had a big smile on his face.' i blushed.
it was friday night in youngstown and me and kt wanted out of the dorm. we drove around and i got high trying to think of somewhere to go. we went through the list twice before we decided on the plaza. the plaza usually had a bunch of frat boys and shit but hey...yeah, the plaza. i walked over to the bar and ran into frank campbell sitting there all shit faced. i started a friendly chat and he told me it was his birthday. and then i felt a hand on my waist and a whisper in my ear 'so when are we getting married?' and i turned around and it was you; i hadn't seen you in like a year and a half. i gave you a big hug and you asked me to sit down with you. you started to tell me about your rough times in vegas 'but i don't want to talk about that anymore; i just want to sit here with you. it's so nice to see you again.' kt came down and sat with us and you grabbed my hand. it was like there was no time between us. but the few times that you got distracted with other conversations, i put my right hand under the left sleeve of my sweater and rubbed on the scabs on my wrist. i went to the bar and got another drink. you were out with frank for his birthday and he wanted to go to another bar; you decided to stay with me at the plaza. me and kt went out to your car so you could put our numbers in your phone. you were getting ready to go and you gave me a big hug like we used to; but this time you picked me up off the ground. i waited for a week for you to call me.
we hadn't really been talking on the phone that much. everytime we did it resulted in a fight. she told me that one of her friends saw you doing coke again. a lot of it. and here you were telling me how you wanted to clean up and i remembered the first night that i hung out with you after we met again at the plaza and i knew that you were coked out that night. i didn't think of it at the time, but so many little things; damnit, i knew you were coked out that night. if there was one drug i HATED it was coke. i watched coke destroy someone else. i couldn't. no, i couldn't. and i had my recital to worry about. it was too much. the night of my recital, i had already made plans to meet natalie at the space to chill before we picked a bar to go to for the night; i would call you when i got back later. me and wendy were getting ready to go; i was about to pull the door shut and the phone rang. it was you. i had been so short and torn with you for the past week because i didn't know how to ask you about the coke and i had my recital and...'i am on my way out the door. how bout i call you when we figure out where we're going?' i went out to the space and smoked some and then called you up and told you we were going to be at the draught house. you never showed up there. when i got back to my room you left like three messages on my machine 'i'm so sorry; i know i've been acting like an asshole; i want to apologize to you; please call me' and i couldn't stand it anymore; i called. 'so when was the last time you did coke sam?' to your credit you didn't even try to lie and say you hadn't been. 'two weeks ago' that was the night that you picked me up. 'are you sure that's the last time you did it?' 'yes' and then the conversation started to get nasty. we started yelling. 'i can't talk to you about this on the phone.' 'good cause i'm almost to your dorm. can you please come talk to me?' i left wendy in my room for awhile. that was the night/morning that pulled us together.
it was hard to still be friends with the guys you used to be in a band with. i mean they got to be close friends of mine after you moved away. what did you want me to do? i was not going to choose between my friends and my boyfriend. no. nope. no way. not going to happen. but the fucked up part was that the ones of them that knew about it wanted me to choose too. i still went to their space to hang out with them when i was dating you. not so often as i had been before you, but i still went up there. the one night i went up there and frank was recording another band's demo. they were wrapping up for the night and the singer and bassist left but the drummer was still hanging around. frank was in the practice room getting something out of the refrigerator 'so nicole, when were you going to tell me that you were fucking sam?' he was pissed. he was honestly pissed. 'what?!....what are you talking about? i'm not fucking sam frank.' 'yeah...sure.' 'i'm not.' 'well he was my friend and then he moved out to vegas...' oh god...these boys were worse than women. 'well frank, i didn't know the relationship you two have. i didn't know if it was appropriate to tell you i've been hanging out with sam. you are my friend and he is my friend. and i'm not going to pick between you.' 'well you tell him that i said hello; for the millionth time.'
i slowed down with the weed A LOT when i was with you. i felt like i had to be clean around you cause you were trying to be clean. that's only fair right? i mean i did get high in front of you twice, but i felt like shit for it. i had promised myself that i wouldn't to help you be strong. i wasn't that strong though. you never really held it against me though. i'm glad for that. i was there for you and that made me there for myself. i guess that's how i could put it. or maybe i was there for you so you were there for me without even really realizing it.
i've only talked to you once in the past two months. i have these heart_pang (s) where i need to talk to you. but after the last thing, i mean goddamnit sam, that hurt. how could you ignore me after all the stuff we went through together? do you really know me at all? i know that it's my fault too; i know that i could never really tell you how i felt. there was that note i left on the coffee table the morning that i had to move back to my parents' house, but that's the coward's way out. i can't ever just come out with any of it. it's always got to be written down. i never told you all the things you did that drove me up the fucking wall. because i never wanted to make any more trouble for you. but i miss you. and i still love you. and it's so hard for me; i want to call you, but then i just let myself think of the things that happened that made me mad or whatever and then eventually that goes away. it's been almost a month since the last time we talked. i don't know what i would say. but i had a dream about you last night. so that means that somewhere on some plane we're still together. right?
unhinged sleeping_with_you

i was doing that god awful gig at the born again church; horrible pop christian music for their annual spring musical. as matt would say '...and then i commenced into whoredom.' it was the worst gig ever; but they did feed us before every performance and i got stoned before every performance because that was how i was then. after the performance, i called you and you said you were over at paradise alley with derek and dennis and dennis's girlfriend was having a bonfire out in the middle of nowhere that night and asked me if i wanted to go. sure, why not? you picked me up and we went back over to paradise alley cause damian was going to drive out there. the three of us crammed into his pick-up and stopped at the gas station to buy some alcohol. damian pulled a roach out of the ashtray in the pick up and i asked him if he wanted a bowl to smoke it in. he said yes. i asked him if he wanted to smoke the paper. he said no. so while he was driving, i got the bowl ready for him and packed some of my shit on top. you just looked at me. i almost felt guilty for a second but once again jesus was driving me to smoke the reefer. we passed the bowl back and forth between you on the way out there. when we got there a lot of people looked at me funny. especially the girls that knew you, but i was used to that by now. the way they looked at me like 'who the hell are you?' because it was obvious that we were together. i sat down in a chair near the fire and you kneeled down next to me and kept your hand on my knee. some chick named sarah or something came to talk to you, about how she was worried about you. and never stopped giving me the death stare. you had slept with her before or something. i watched some teenagers get drunk. we were there for quite awhile and then damian decided that he wanted to go to the iron_skillet ( the_iron_skillet ?) but sarah was going home with him; to spite you maybe. *shrugs* so the four of us crammed into his pick-up. sarah fell asleep. we left her in the pick-up when we went in to eat. we finally got back to paradise alley at dawn and you said you were getting to old to stay out all night. we went back to your house and slept on the couch.
unhinged i was slowly working out of my heavy drug use that was my social life in youngstown when i got back home at my parents pretty much out of sheer necessity. i hide so much shit from my parents, including you. although, i think my mom kind of figured it out anyway but she's always in denial. but on the way to the mushroomhead show with wendy the night before we smoked half a joint on the highway and i had a few drinks at the show. and i was slowly growing out of shape so when my dad asked me the next morning if i wanted to go to the lacrosse championship in columbus and that i had ten minutes to get ready and i knew my brother wasn't going to play anyways, i said no. sitting in the car for a total of four hours and sitting in the rain to watch a bunch of other boys win a state championship didn't sound like my idea of a good time at nursing myself back to normal. so i had the house to myself. i was making some mac and cheese when the phone rang. my mom told me that you had called at midnight the night before looking for me and woke her up; i was on my way home from the show. the show that you knew i was going to be at. i was trying to make mac and cheese and all of a sudden you are screaming at me about something scotty put on the messageboard and how you were going to talk to frank about it and that you were pissed at me for making you try to talk to them again. you were hysterical. i was thrown off cause it had been awhile since you got hysterical on a regular basis and i wasn't used to dealing with it anymore. i told you that i never meant for you to make up with frank for me. you tried to blame it on me saying you did it for me because i kept talking about how frank wanted to talk to you. i thought that i was helping two of my friends make amends. you got to frank's apartment. i was trying to drain the noodles for the mac and cheese with one hand while i held the phone with the other and listened to you yell at me. you had to go yell at frank now. you hung up with me. i finished the mac and cheese and ate a bowl of it and thought to myself 'damn, i should have gone to columbus.' as soon as i put my empty bowl in the dishwasher the phone rang again. i had a sinking feeling that i was you. i didn't want to answer. it was you. you started yelling at me again telling me how you didn't want to associate with people that supported people like that (i.e. frank, mike). it hit me even in your initial vagueness that you were breaking up with me for continuing to talk to frank. i started to cry silently and just let you continue to yell and gradually explain what you meant. you like to ramble. i had at least told frank that i was not going to make a decision between you and him and i just thougt to myself 'here it is. he made the decision for me.' after you got everything off your chest and you finally realized that i was possibly upset, you asked me if i was okay. 'no' 'well what's wrong?' 'first of all, if something i did makes you upset then that makes me upset. second of all, i didn't have fun at that show at all.' and suddenly it was okay. suddenly you were no longer mad at me even though you had spent the last hour yelling at me and making me cry. you tried to seem all supportive 'well you don't have to go to those shows alone. i can go with you.' 'i wasn't alone sam.' 'oh. well you can call me tomorrow if you want.' we had gone in the span of an hour from you never wanting to hear from me again to you giving me permission to call you tomorrow if i wanted. i was too upset to be pissed but immediately after i hung up the phone i started to get mad and made the resolution that i wasn't going to call you again. but about five days later other things started to crumble and i couldn't stand it anymore and i called you. 'so you were pissed at me huh?' what a fucking genius.
he called me yesterday night after ignoring me for essentially three months. he was all drunk and retarded. he asked me not to be pissed. i've been sick all day. and part of me does not want to make any attempt to contact him ever again...mind you i would answer the phone if HE called, but yeah....but part of me wants to know what the fuck he wants. but the other part knows what the fuck he wants. the same thing everyone in youngstown wanted; to be able to cry on my shoulder when it was convienent and walk away when they had better things to do. but i think i'm strong enough now not to call him. i hope.
unhinged there are different levels of ending.

'well maybe i shouldn't bother anymore.'

'bother with what?'

'bother with calling you.'

'that's absolutely fine with me.'

unhinged i_had_a_dream_last_night

i'll_love_you_forever ; or at least part of me will
unhinged last_night_i_heard_your_voice

or two months ago rather
and i wish i had a way
of hearing it again
i'm sorry for all of it
unhinged saturday night i had a dream that we were together like we had never been apart. all my anger for you has faded, but i still don't know what i would say. the way my stomach became a black hole when i heard your_voice again. i still miss you and i still love you which i guess is only compounded by the fact that any relationship i've had since didn't mean anything compared to what we had. but, i tell myself that you surely have someone else. someone else that i couldn't stand to have rubbed in my face. someone else that you would be sure to tell me about. all of it faded into bitter longing; i'm afraid that you were my one chance. that my one chance is over.

i_will_remember you; a promise and a curse.
the nights child I might keep my little sammy bow-wow a fantasy just a bit longer. It's all so much more pleasant this way. 050309
unhinged yes, it's five months later
and i still don't have anyone
to replace you with
so i'm still having dreams
but i still don't know what i would say
i'm weak today
and i'm pretty sure
that the love i had for you
will never go away

but i couldn't be your sobriety
your towel
or table
or pedestal

and i'm pretty sure
that of anyone else you could find
i would
unhinged i was watching a documentary on meth and they flashed a really disturbing statistic at the end of the show.

only 6% of meth addicts that try to quit actually succeed. i.e. 94% of people that try to quit go back to it.

i've been thinking of you ever since.
unhinged three_words is killing me today 080528
unhinged yesterday was your birthday
i hope it was a happy one
what's it to you?
who go