dad tazfab 10 years without you. you would think i would be ok now. i'm not. why did you leave? was it because of me? what did i do wrong? why!? i wish you hadn't left me. i don't know what to do..who's left? who haven't i hurt? where's everyone going to? i love you dad, always have..i never stopped looking for you..never...why did you go away, i wish i could see you...and i can't...take care, i'm ok...don't worry about me...tell me it's not true...i'm here, waiting...please, it can't be true...i don't believe mom. please tell me it's not true...it can't... 001213 ... circe mine is a surgeon. he cuts people for a living. i cut people for fun. heh. 001213 ... Dafremen Dad? Mom? What's the difference to me? I would say they are nothing more than empty holes that scar my soul, but that would be a lie. You have to HAVE before you can feel such a loss. You have to have felt the love, before you can know that it is missing. There was no Mom, there was no Dad, there was me...and loneliness, people and pain. Loneliness was my Mom, and I was my Dad and together we protected me from pain and people. My kids have it good, before my first child was born, I was already an experienced father. 010219 ... Lindsey He rakes leaves by the driveway, refusing to glance in our direction, and although I know the windows are not soundproof, I promise myself he will not hear me cry. 010320 ... stupidpunkgirl i asked my mom if we could put my dad to sleep....and she looked at me and said oh emily.... so i asked her if we could at least tie him up with the dog so he'd have a little room to run around...but i wouldn't have to deal with him then. she didn't like that suggestion much better. 010321 ... mike Niggers are bad people wake up and listen to daddy! 010410 ... Teddybear My dad is actually nice It's my mom that's evil 010410 ... fusion My father was always rather abusive. He would have his clear days and his bad days. Where do you draw the line? Where can you say "This is fucking enough?" How do you talk to a drunk? Do you get drunk and communicate in slur with him? Or do you pick up his cane and knock some sense into him? Six back surgeries, and he still can't seem to get it straight.. near death many times, and he can't seem to get it straight.. does he care? He doesn't care for my mother.. he doesn't care for me.. I give less than a damn about the rest of my family.. My grandmother is the person who takes care of me.. my uncle is like my father.. he has always took care of me.. nobody else.. just me, my mom, and my uncle.. but now it's just me.. just me to wander around looking for a door that won't slam shut in my face.. looking for voices that don't sound like his.. trying to find myself in the darkness.. where is my candle? Why can't I see myself? Is it because my father never gave me any help along the way? Have I actually found myself on my own? Is this stream of thought helping me find myself? Where will all this end? When is shit going to get better? I think his psychological beatings are worse than physical beatings.. My father never gave me true love.. he never gave me true advice.. I've found myself on my own.. The sun goes down.. I feel the light betray me.. It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back.. It's like a whirlwind inside of my head.. It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within.. It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin.. -"Papercut" by Linkin Park 010526 ... Casey my dad has this habit of bothering me when I am busy, and not listening to me when i want him to listen. I should put one of those shock collars around him. 010610 ... CinnamonGirl my daddy makes his own cigarettes! and share it with everyone! :) 010613 ... stillsheryl my dad is a dick he's the man who, after you've met, you'd shake your head in disbelief that they're are actually people like that existing in our world the way he treats his family, his wife and kids- would make you cry and it's so hard to comprehend, I know he's an asshole, but he's my dad, and though I have no loving feelings toward him, he's still my dad, and it's so hard to equate that dad=asshole. it's so easy to say it and label it and characterize it, but it's hard to understand it. that I am living with, and have been raised by someone who I would never want to meet or socialize with. someone who I have no respect for. 011001 ... sheryl my dad beat my cat my dad beat my cat and while he is sick now he seems worst this is all my fault I am the biggest idiot for moving back whywhywhywhywhy I have all these emotions swirling around inside of me tingling to my toes making functioning incapable I'm such a freak and a fucking stupid one at that and you know what it doesn't even bother me anymore how many times can you feel the same emotions eventually you become numb 011002 ... sheryl i can't complain because i put myself in this situation i am here on my own free will 011002 ... lost well my biological father is gone. i have no idea where all i know is that he was addicted to heiroine. and my adoptive dad has been dead for about a year and a half now. 011002 ... birdmad mine's been gone for 11 1/2 years as of today it was two weeks after my 18th birthday spent 3 years watching him fight a losing battle with the cancer that was eating his bones he became too brittle to walk and then his body shut down one system at a time over those last two days and the silence was deafening when his rattled breathing stopped the rise and fall of his chest had stopped and when it was clear he was gone, the silence became all-encompassing as we switched off the respirator my mom, my brother and sisters wept openly and each cried on my shoulder, i let a few tears slip, but for all of his chidings about how booys_don't_cry i could not break down until he was in the ground 011003 ... grendel boys_don't_cry 011003 ... Toxic_Kisses The guy whom I wanted to be just like when I was younger, the guy who could do no wrong, the guy I admired infinitely. The guy who abused me, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually. The guy who left us homeless, the guy who’s in prison now trying to be my friend, the guy who I've written 5 letters to in the past thee moths only not to get a single reply back. He use to Wright me two to three times a month, and now that I Wright him, nothing. 011011 ... blather word usage check wright==write 011011 ... mightbebipolar my dad is a incomplete human. he is alone and doesn't understand love, God, remorse or forgiveness. he was abused. it makes me sad. i walked on eggshells for 18 years, promising never to forget. i still want to make him proud, but, he'll never get it out of me. 011012 ... mightbebipolar AN and I am incomplete speller. 011012 ... lovers lament "and all the things i can't remember as fucked up as it all may seem to be i know it's me i cannot blame this on my father he did the best he could for me" still missing you after 5 years. 011012 ... lost i love StainD 011012 ... lovers lament isaw them on wednesday at family values. it was amazing. 011013 ... Annie111 Makes me angry because it's like he doesn't care anymore sometimes. He is not the same, he stresses more and is tired, and yells at me for typing at one am on a school night. he used to tickle me until i cried with laughter, and we used to watch the cricket together and make fun of my mom. sometimes i just hate it and i want to fucking, scream. other times i see my old dad, underneath there sometimes. after his long trips when he gets home late smelling like my dad. he is so solid and he keeps us together, structurally, but my mother keeps us together emotionally. we are a happy family most of the time. 011128 ... ClairE I can't even start. 011128 ... kerry my dad and i used to have problems. we're so alike and so stubborn that we'd fight and never make up. my parents made me feel like they hated me. they almost got a divorce over me. 011211 ... AHH my dads a fucking dickhead. his dad was a fucking dickhead. he needs to treat me like he was treated. not abusive physically, but other subtle ways. more painful. his expectations are fucking ridiculous. he says hes disgusted by me. he makes me feel like everything i do is a complete failure. like i'm nothing in his eyes but a waste of food and space and water and heat. the truth is. up til recently everything i've ever done was just to make him happy... to live up to him. been away at school most of my life, by choice. we're not too close. my mom is great though. shes the emotion and love that is family. my dad is structure. strict, stubborn, demeaning, ridiculing...pathetic. but sometimes hes the old dad, the one i love, the kind, supportive one. hes a dick to everyone though so i guess i shouldnt feel all that bad. not a dick , but just a fake. and its obvious at times..or maybe only to me. he has a god complex, thinks hes a fucking genius. i think its all a huge power trip. whenever i'm my own person for a little while (not constantly trying to make him happy by begging him for extra house work to do, waking up at 7am, being a fucking superman version of a 19 year old male) i think hes threatened. maybe a little hurt too since he did it when he was growing up. i just wish he would remember. dont turn into your dad dad. let me be. let me fucking be. and FUCK YOU!!!!!!!! but then i realize hes my dad. is his love worth all this bullshit. i used to think it was. i was his son. his slave. his jr. now i dont know. fuck this shit. fuck him. but i yearn for the love. so i think i may try and kiss his ass a little more, and be his clone once again. ...we will see. 011227 ... Mahayana: Zakah: Sangha Jewels of Refuge father, U fucking incest soul killing bastard father fucker who tore the whole family apart how could you sexually molest your own young children while bathing them, how could you molest your own daughter [my sister] for many many years after you won custody of us from a mother who severally abused & neglected her children, @ ages 7 & 9? how could you betray us like that when we needed you the most, father fucker, than go on to be a so-called 'mister church man' preaching at the whole world, while you still stood watching me sleep at night in my room- you fucker, you sick sick sick fucking asshole father, trying to become a minister at your church ... poor poor sheep dont even know who they are worshiping ... oh your father is so funny, so cute, such a good good man BULLSHIT *you* say that through the years of no sleep at night .. time to go to school .. fall asleep in class.. get bitched at...hide hide hide your body behind the layers .. hate hate hate your body... try to stay away at school as long as you can ... you killed every tiny sense of family i had left ... after mom betrayed us & neglected us the basics of life, i thought you saved us father fucker incest bastard, instead you killed us some more, its sort of like torching 50 year old bones just to make sure their dead [fuck mother, fuck father, no sense of fucking family cuz of you asshole father fucker, you killed that last thread of hope] [[ i dont have a dad, i never did, only a father fucker & that title is still too good for even him ]] 011227 ... Rael One Cloud MY dad molested me when I was a kid. He never fucked me or anything, but he did all kinds of sick other things. Made my sex life crazy for awhile. After fifteen years since my 'rents separated, he came back. Just turned up in my kitchen. First thing I said was 'wow, you're really small, & old!' he was so not the specter I'd built him up to be. & too pathetic to hate. I talked to him for awhile, but when he was to meet my friends, he booked. What a chicken. He's a PREACHER now, so I guess he figures that makes the things he did forgiven. He's in complete denial. His new wife wrote me, all this rude bullshit- you're a dyke, you're a junkie, you're a whore, you're damned, & you're certainly no family member of mine. What a joke, these two. Way I see it, isn't judgement up to God? More likely to take a yardstick to my dad for molesting a kid, but either way it's not for a human to judge. Not part of her family? well, Jesus, why should I care? She's only my father's new fuck toy. It's up to him to disown me, if he wants, but instead he sends me 'you never write' guilt trip cards, so I guess I AM a part of that family, like it or not. As for a junkie, a dyke, a whore? well. Not RECENTLY, anyway. =) http://ledbeatle.diaryland.com 020201 ... little wonder how can he? how can he wipe away 18 1/2 years of his life because he doesn't like living in a house with someone who is sick a lot of the time? how can he throw her into a house the size of our garage [is it even that big?] how can he say goodbye? he's tired of taking care of her "in sickness or in health". that's what it comes down to. my parents don't fight. they say they still love eachother. he won't even give it time. he won't even give it a chance to heal. he's set on being without her. he doesn't want someone who can't complete her "wifely duties" on a day-to-day basis. [it's not my fault] but i wish it was, because then maybe i could do something to fix it. he's giving up. he's walking away. he's keeping his house. and it was all decided in one night. 18 1/2 years put behind him in one night. 020207 ... thugstylez though i didnt grow up with mine i dont hate him. i dont love him. i would visit him every now and then when i was a little kid until i reached the age of 11. but he was never really my father. he was just some guy that i would visit occasionally because he would get me cool toys. didnt hear from him again until i was about 16. i cant say he didnt care. im sure he did but....shit happens i guess. the last time i went to visit him i just felt stupid. we didnt know what to say to each other. we just sat there. for what seemed like hours but i dont think it was more than one. we just sat there without saying a word to each other. he would talk to his wife instead so there wouldnt b complete silence. i felt so stupid until i finally decide to leave. i got in my car and lit up my joint. this is not poetic in any type of way and no one will probably even read this but i just felt like putting my 2 cents in. 020306 ... thugstylez i really like what dafreman said about having to feel the love to know its missing. thank you 020306 ... Sam My Daddy 020314 ... Teenage Jesus Up until about a year ago, I hadn't seen (or heard from) my dad in over twenty five years. I found him to be a self centered opinionated jerk, who had no explanation as to why he didn't seem to care about my brother and I. Anyway, I had lunch with him and drank several beers on his dime. Then got the hell away from him as fast as I could. I have since adopted my wife's father as my own. He's an actual human being. I hope that this page will serve as a warning to all potential fathers out there. I am a father myself now. And I know that my boys need my love, support, and attention; and I hope they always will. They make me so happy that it's very hard to imagine my life before them. This page has made my heart hurt. Revenge belongs of course to the universe; but some of the horror stories here make me want to be it's instrument of karma. But I cannot. I do hope for healing and happiness to ALL of you who have been so terribly wronged. Good wins in the long run. Always. 020314 ... god i hear ya 020407 ... unhinged how am i going to tell you what a miserable failure i am? how could i tell you that i have went through so much without telling you so that one day i could say 'see dad? see all the stuff i went through on my own...i really am an adult.' i know that i will forever be your child but i am not A child anymore. it bothers me that in your eyes i am never going to be able to take care of myself, irresponsible. but dad can't you see the hole you are forcing me in? i live my life to make you happy. everything i see as a shortcoming in myself is because i know i won't be good enough for you. i just want to be good enough for you dad. i want you to be able to tell everyone what a wonderful daughter i am, tell everyone all the great things i have accomplished with my life. but at the same time, i would give anything to have my own life even if it meant working a shitty minimum wage job at kmart and living in the ghetto for the rest of my life. i know what is right and wrong. sometimes i still choose the wrong just to prove to myself that I am the one doing the choosing; if you could let me go dad. if you could only let me go... 020427 ... Zoe my dad... that's a topic. my dad left when i was five. i have a 1/2 sister by my mother who is older. we used to visit my dad, he always treated me better than my sister. i hated him for it. he has never sent child support, in fact if he comes into my state he will be arrested. he owes about 30 thousand now. i don't visit him much anymore. he was emotionally abusive to me. also he is racist and sexist and homophobic. he got married recently (actually i'm not really sure if they are married or not, she has a ring). she is nice, he is still an asshole. i remember him talking shit about my mother to me. at least she was there. the one thing that worries me is that i'll have to invite him to important things like graduation. he doesn't deserve to be there. he will just get drunk (he's an alcoholic) and embarras himself. i've never loved him, and i know that is bad. he doesn't deserve my love. 020531 ... poetic_onslaught my grandma (my moms mom) told my mom that her dad was dead. my mom believed this for 20 years until my uncle (my moms brother) told her that he was still alive. she didnt really believe him. a few months later my uncle died and she decided to look into it. it turned out that her dad was still alive and when she contacted him he told her that he always tried to contact her but that her mother wouldnt let him talk to her. also we were alwayz moving so it was hard to find where we were. so after 20 years they finally met and now they keep in touch every now and then. i should look for a thread called "grandma" so yall can hear about other cruel things that my grandma has done. that lady is unbelievable....she'e like a villian from one of those exaggerated soap operas. 020531 ... Rayne I am daddy's little girl! and I always will be no matter what. I love my dad! I would be lost without him! 020620 ... jimc When the call came in that you were in the hospital again, I was making one final attempt to reachout to a friend to attempt to mend what I thought was the most special and important friendship I had ever had. The call changed that. It was then that I realized that the best friendship I've ever had was with you and being stuck almost 200 miles away is deiving me up the wall. Although we have had our MAJOR differences in the past, you were always there for me with words of wisdom. With all the hardship of dealing with the deaths of Sara, Dee, Both Grandma's, Cheyenne, Tuffy, Itiit, the divorce, the business failure and the loss of Natalie's friendship, you were there. Now the thougt that I might lose you is almost more than I can handle. Please get better Dad, I can't deal with one more major loss in my life. Mom needs you, Ken and Kevin needs you, your grandchildren who think you are a GOD needs you and I need you. I love you Dad - your are my cornerstone in life. Please get better. 030523 ... Fire&Roses You were the greatest guy in the whole world... my hero. Remember when we were little we used to play monster. You would run around growling chasing us. You don't play any more. You are a monster and I can't love you any more. I can deal with it when you call me a slut, when you say i'm a bitch, I can take when you hit me I'm not afraid of the monster any more old man and I hit back. DOn't talk about my mother, you haven't got the right. She might not believe in divorce, but you can't get rid of me old man and if you EVER EVER do ANYTHING to her... I'm going to kill you. That's not a threat it's a promise. 030611 ... endless desire i have never called anyone "dad" i mean, my papa was always papa and i kind of wish i could get to say the words but at least i have one at all, even if i only seem him every now and then. and then there's nino, and it just seems like i have "dads" flowing out my ears. i don't need anymore protectors or big brothers or worriers i just need to be let free. though, there is nothing like a father's arms. nothing at all. sometimes i wish my papa would hold me longer. 030611 ... no reason most of the time i wish mine wasn't such an ass 041211 ... Forming Mind the smell of fresh wood pulp, luminating from his coat left on the dryer. his large sigh as he sits heavily in his chair. the laces of his boots as he unties them. quick metal snaps of the laces as they hit the sides of his boot. Slipping them off to prop on the hearth. The butter that runs slowly down his chin as he ate his corn. The way his laughter shook the room. His booming voice as I stood at the plate, cracking a double. His words that would at time rattle my ribcage and set my mind on fire. The hugs that warmed you deeper than the soul. The pat on the back when he'd claim I did okay. A good job. The way I'd shift in my seat uncomfortable and hurt as he exclaimed to a relative I was too ugly for a boyfriend. With a chuckle that stabbed my throat. The tears streaking pillows as my anger was never as high as when we fought. The clashing similar atitudes. The way his eyes lit up when I entered the room after work. The shaking body as holding his hand, I felt a squeeze and this was the biggest event of the day. The stuffing, suffocating tears as his lungs lunged for one last breath. The hug towards a mother and my muffled "I love you" in her shoulder. 041212 ... anne-girl not father christian, somewhat fundamentalist, conservative embarrassing, i keep him away from my friends still sometimes calls me a princess, tries to hug me as i mock-cower in a corner knows mechanic stuff, makes soldering look easy grey-haired, drives a giant red van entirely too jolly retired, lonely i think... don't see him too often almost completely unlike me... i'm my mother's child loves me unconditionally i love him too, though i rarely tell him 050626 ... Joe Sa Feen my whole life my dad has made me feel like a mistake. i was just the second child that no one cares about. if it weren't for my mom there is no doubt in my mind that i would be dead. he's a huge asshole and i avoid him as much as possible. he is the one that puts all of my doubts about myself in my head. my mom has told me i can do whatever i want with my life while my dad has said to get a "safe degree". he's the type of person that tells you what to do with your life and stomps on all your ambitions. 060209 ... John There mean and tall but most of all there guys!!!...( I hope!) 070423 ... me I saw you in your car that day. It was cold winter and overcast. Before this I had only seen you so alive and shining. I could see it in the air around you. Something that looked like death with you in the middle trying to see out through. Something cold and deadly. You didn't want me to see you like this. I love you Dad. I wish I could take that cloud away and never ever ever let it near you again. 071113 ... me flawless He taught me to stand up straight. To talk to strangers. To be washed and clean no matter what. To believe in God without doubt. To know that all people are equal and good inside. To be unashamed and brave and unafraid of pain. To think for myself. To trust God. He gave me genetics. Black clouds and soaring rainbows. Mine are tiny compared to his. My guilt is enormous. I don't know how to fix him. I love him. I don't know how to make him know. I don't know how to make him love himself. He shines. And sometimes he dies. But I love him anyway. 071113 what's it to you? who go blather from