wept ~gez~ all these years you say nothing and now you weep. i have not tears enought for what you have done to me. tell me how it was done. "its in my power" i was mortal once. i was mortal to you. you gave me your immortal kiss. now look at me 020823 ... unhinged i sat on my mat, facing my altar, and i couldn't feel my heart. i sat on my mat, facing my favorite buddha statue, the weeping buddha, and i wept. i took refuge in the teacher, in the buddhanature, in the dharma, in the sangha, and i wept. there is so much suffering in the world. we huddled in balls and wept. things are stuck inside of me they tear on the way out they make ugly noises not the pretty music i strive so hard to project to the world but ugly strangled tearing in spurts echoing in my hollowed broken insides to a deafening level i curl into myself to feel the vessel now so suddenly empty i am an ocean deep and still the tears a superficial turbulence at the very top like waves on the ocean deep inside i am still that is my true nature but my raft is battered by the waves first i must conquer the waves and part of me was glad for the tears streaming down my face the strangled ugly sounds my voice did make it was leaving me soon even my surface will be still like a mirror reflecting my true insides soon i will be to the outside world what i know is inside that i can't yet show soon even my surface will be still 070416 ... unhinged once again i meditate (in the form of motion, yoga) and the tears just spill out the people in my life that truly understand my capacity to love live too far away for me to get hugs on a regular basis in the cloudy season my hug prescription goes up to about five per day and i am currently getting about none i am in a hug_deficit right now 091129 ... unhinged glass tears jagged because it still hurts being without_you (i_wonder when i will stop crying like this) 100901 ... poet i feel too much i get high all day to smother the feeling but sometimes i cant help but let it get to me the need to have another being to clutch and confide in to share a part of your soul with another human being share your deepest insecurities share your craziest aspirations ive realized recently just how sensitive a person i am... when we talked about what animal each one of us would be based on our personalities we decided you would be a cat and you said i would be a dog and at the time i didn't really think so but now it makes perfect sense i always have this desperate need to be loved i'm just like a hyperactive labrador retriever puppy and i thought i'd been maintaining pretty well as far as being lonely goes but it's been a long time and i'm still alone so how am i supposed to react when years later you still pop up to haunt me in my dreams when i can feel your skin and your body feel your warmth in my hands look into your eyes hear your voice taste your lips and the sensations are real my brain can't tell the difference then suddenly i'm awake and its morning and emotions are still swirling around in my head and it hurts and i feel so desperately lonely that i cant help but do something i thought i was done doing and that's missing you so i masturbated and went back to sleep i slept for several more hours and when i woke up i felt ok and i forgot about it for the rest of the day but just now i started thinking about it and i wept... and maybe that's pathetic and maybe all i need is some person some sack of flesh who says it loves me or someone to be there for me but i don't have anyone and my fucking existence hurts right now i thought i was done with this and through hurting over you but its not over and i now realize that the way i dealt with it was immature and i feel like an idiot so fuck i don't know what to do or if you'd forgive me if i asked for it or if you really despise me... i guess i deserve it but hey i guess you're with someone else now anyway so hey whatever this is just me making myself miserable nothing to see here move along i wish we were still friends like we said we would be i did want to be friends and i told you i needed some space and i feel horrible because it must look like i was lying... but i wasn't lying, i was just afraid to talk to you because i thought that you hated me... i don't even know if you remember me like i remember you... you were a giant part of my life and now there's a huge hole in me that got filled with nothing and maybe you're not the only thing that could fill that hole but i miss the comfort of you being and knowing that we helped each other feel whole god i am such a fucking epic failure :P 100901 ... unhinged . i'll always remember you what_you_meant_to_me (i can't even begin to find someone to replace you) 100901 ... unhinged sadhana_of_mahamudra everyday i carry a big weight some days are easier than others to pretend that they aren't gears_stripped when i feel like this i avoid going to the center because sitting makes it impossible to pretend the weight on my chest doesn't squeeze the tears out 120619 ... Lia http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoLeELQDOjo 120619 ... a clever disguise i find avoidance is the best method until it's not so painful to mourn. Mourning is necessary for healing, but mourning when the pain still cuts too deep is just overkill. 120620 ... unhinged i'd rather cry than be angry 120620 ... unhinged damnit i'm afraid of this but more often than not i can feel the relief at the end of the tunnel 130523 ... unhinged i keep coming back to this. my shamatha deteriorates into tears. like the stillness breaks the dam that holds them all inside hridya dukkha i try to dismiss this as a hormonal imbalance, but this depression and sadness isnt that easy to explain away. my heart hurts. selfishly and not so selfishly. i am still realizing the extent to which i cared about you, the extent to which your misery was my misery. (i guess some people call that love) my heart hurts but i am not sure there are any words that would make either of us feel better so i refrain 140623 ... flowerock this morning, thinking about your grandmother. I am honored to have met her, I hop to see her again. I hope to see my grandparents as well. the things I could call regrets so far are having missed opprotunity to spend time with the older members of my family before they left this life. 140624 ... unhinged i sat this morning and the tears welled but didnt fall (i miss the way you smell) 140709 ... unhinged just when i thought it was behind me.... ouch 140710 ... unhinged sitting is painful right now; the world is vibrating with pain and suffering at such a high level i can't help but notice especially when i am still sometimes bravery is nothing less than taking my seat and staring reality in the face 171116 ... unhinged it's_ok sometimes the tears just need to be knocked loose without_you there is a new timbre of despair to my weeping 220729 what's it to you? who go blather from