regrets Rob Looking back. I am an expert at regretting. I have 20/20 hindsight. 981021 ... rae no regrets. 981024 ... megan if... i would have never cried on the phone to him. because who wants to hear someone cry? 990227 ... bren a letter sent no regrets no time to say im sorry my friend a cry for help that is what this is something i cant put into words 990728 ... emsie I regret too much as it is, and I don't wanna regret not telling you this... 990729 ... jared_d what if I had... Nah. 990923 ... birdmad it is better to regret the things you have done than to regret the things you haven't done 000504 ... Spete But, why not both, really? Good, better, best. 000505 ... stan regrets are foolish (shakespeare) 000730 ... Megan Regrets... I've had a few. More than a few. Most of them center around not something I myself recognized, but something someone else felt it necessary to point out, all the things I did wrong, the things that, though it doesn't matter now, should have been done differently, or are "normally" done a different way. To those people, I say, why cause that pain? Why wake me up from my childish view on life? Why would you tell a child what rape is before they need to know? Why would you tell a child that they can't really speak 47 languages, when you have no idea whether they are capable of such things or not? Why do you have to put an end to dreams? To childish fantasies? To innocence? Why must you give me regrets? 001211 ... unhinged my life is full of them...i regret almost every word i say every day...i regret my existence and the way it influences others...sometimes at least. and then every now and then something great arises. i give someone courage or knowledge...i helped a whole group of people nail their music history test...i don't regret that. the only man i don't regret was steve. my beautiful nonconformist tromboner boy...everything was so greatly confusing but it all ended good in the end. i will never have regrets for mailing you that letter i wrote in europe or leaving you them in my senior will. no regrets steve...you are about the only one. 001211 ... monadh we only hugged goodbye 010311 ... .sunshine. i regret the fact that i just spilled my tea on my leg. 010505 ... *Ziima* I regret sending that letter to Daniel. I can just feel him being scared and disgustingly shocked. I shouldnt have listened to Sarah... 010505 ... fallenangel i cant remember a time when i didnt possess regrets of some sort. i wish they would stop. 010708 ... tears in the night i have to many to count. but right now my real regret is not not telling them how i feel not telling them what i want and what i belive. my real regret is not being able to belive my friends 010709 ... End Is Forever One regret leads to another 020107 ... searching i'm only 23 and i have so many. i regret all of the people that i have hurt, that i have lied to, that i have pushed away because i am too afraid of being hurt to let them get close. i regret the way i treated her in the end, as if caring for her was a burden, i wanted to go out and have fun, not take care of a dying old woman. i felt betrayed and angry and i robbed myself and her of the last moments we would have. now i wonder, does she hate me now. did she know what i was going through like she always did, and forgive me because i was young and dumb. or does she regret loving me, because i wasn't worth it. i can't be the person they all think i am, i am not as goos as they believe, not as smart, not as talented. i just pretend really well and i try to give them what they want. but i'm so tired and i regret becoming this person, because now i don't know who i am or what the real me is. i regret building so many walls and never letting anyone in, i regret hurting him thinking i was protecting me...soon the other shoe will drop and they will all see me for what i am and everything i have worked to be won't matter anymore, they'll see that i'm not the girl they wanted, they'll be disappointed, and they won't love me anymore. and i regret that the most, the knowledge that i am not strong enough to keep this up forever. 020120 ... blown cherry Every time you'd get up and go and have a shower, I would lie there thinking "should I follow him? does he want me to follow him? or does he just want to be on his own now?" I should have tried, because now I'll never know. 020514 ... misstree every pain i've ever caused, every moment i've ever missed, every sunset i've squandered, every step i haven't taken. every love i've given up. every harsh word i've thrown. every silent goodbye. regrets are laced through this rich tapestry like rotting threads. but, heavy as they are, carrying stones makes you stronger. 020514 ... Tildan shower is for cleaning. and it helps with the nausea 020515 ... vette fools leave too soon. built to fill roles and fall standing alone again distant and dissatisfied. these four years and how we say goodbye to these four years. it's a long goodbye with mixed emotions. just fragments of another life. well i'm not dead...yet 020604 ... wish463983 this morning it seemed kind of final. we talked about how we had let things go too far and we weren't making eachother happy anymore..... then he came inside and we napped together no words just his hand on my hip and my face cuddled into his shoulder 020905 ... ShilohLives I regret not begging you to stay...holding back from you...not telling you the truth, eventho I know you wouldn't care...not askng you about those 3 girls you cheated on me with...not yelling at you..not telling you that I found the letter that you "didn't want me to read"...saying goodbye istead of see you later...I regret too much to put on this page...I could think of all the regretts concerning you for days on end...I regret all the tears I fucking cried...the tears that you didn't see or care about...i regret the knowledge that someday we will see eachother again...I regrett you...I don't regrett loving you...It just hurts...2 years ago still hurts...now that's something to laugh about... 030624 ... ShilohIDisgustedWithHerself actually it's only like 1 year...or well...Oh shit who cares!! 030629 ... floralieca Nous ignorons tous de quoi nous vivons, alors comment pourrions-nous rater quelque chose et avoir des regrets ? [Annemarie Schwarzenbach] 031029 ... . . 031030 ... eXscape I regret taking for granted a girl that gave me head whenever I wanted. 040307 ... Somebody that I used to know I regret ever taking back the boy who left me. If a boy breaks up with you, don't take him back. Even if you love him. The breaking up the first time means there's something wrong. He killed himself first, but will kill you in the end. 041107 ... . yesterday i was horrid. sorry for being horrid. tired and lost 070226 ... zombigrl13 I regret what he did to her, to make her do it to me and to have me do it to you. I regret giving you a lie because I gave in to her controlling you and losing you when I should have fought harder. I regret losing my virginity to a guy because I was stoned and didn't want him to think I was a virgin. I regret not being there for you after the accident because you had hurt me so deeply that I wasn't ready to forgive. 090424 ... f why is it such a shame to be a virgin? if i was one i would put an advert on tv about it! no really... you want to do it with some on that you are in love with.. thats all.. nothing else.. thats what i did, although it was brief, i do remember it very well! no need to be stoned or pissed. it's much better if you are not in fact. 090424 ... FA113N My regrets are numerous, but I don't want to regret living in the past. I'm moving on. "Shake It Out" - Florence & The Machine Regrets collect like old friends Here to relive your darkest moments I can see no way, I can see no way And all of the ghouls come out to play And every demon wants his pound of flesh But I like to keep some things to myself I like to keep my issues drawn It's always darkest before the dawn And I've been a fool and I've been blind I can never leave the past behind I can see no way, I can see no way I'm always dragging that horse around Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground So I like to keep my issues drawn But it's always darkest before the dawn Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back So shake him off, oh whoa And I am done with my graceless heart So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart 'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn It's always darkest before the dawn Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back So shake him off, oh whoa And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back And given half the chance would I take any of it back It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone It's always darkest before the dawn Oh whoa, oh whoa... And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat 'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me Looking for heaven, found the devil in me Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back So shake him off, oh whoa 120826 ... daf What most people don;t understand about me, is that I regret very few thing that I do. This is a learning process, and I am only human. So I live the life I live, do the things I do..don't feel too bad when the air tastes like shit afterward. Someone has to write the songs about shitty days. But some of the decisions I've made in this lifetime have been reprehensible to me. Replaceable. Regretted. These are those regrets. They are approximately 10 in number. They will be listed in the order they are remembered. These are the few things I would change given the opportunity to change anything. 131130 ... daf 1. Played the part of Judas to a poor kid who was trying so hard to fit in..just like me. I have absolutely no qualms about calling this the most heinous thing I've ever done. This is certainly, without exception or caveat...my deepest and most heartfelt regret. When I was first adopted, around 11 or 12 years of age, my father (a child psychologist) wanted to help me learned to socialize with other kids. Being raised semi-feral leaves you lacking in certain skills. He wanted to alleviate that problem for me. Thanks Dad. He sent me to a play therapy group where I spent time with other kids who had similar problems socializing with other kids. Now I made a few friends, but mostly I hung out with this kid who wasn't too bright..but he was nice to me. And he was loyal and listened to good advice given with sincere intent. I couldn't have asked for a better early friend. I've always responded well to honest people who need someone to trust and believe in. Always. I'm wrapped around the finger of the unappreciated human treasures who appreciate me as such. Some of them know it and take as much advantage as I'll let anyone take of me anymore. And I love every moment of it. Trust is an opiate..something inviolate. It's the diamond of my economy. It's the backbone of my reality. Everything outside of it is suspect. And this kid gave me that. He trusted me to be his friend and never doubted me for an entire summer. And I never steered him wrong. Not until two years later, anyhow. Then I stuck the knife in and twisted it. These days it sits like a splinter in my throat whenever I think about it. And I deserve that. I always will. My dad had gotten me involved with a scout troop and I was trying hard to fit in. I had a friend who was as outcast as I in that peer pressure cooker of a scout experience. Other than that, I was the outsider. I was the embarrassment because I didn't think or talk like anyone else. That weekend I was trying sooo hard. And then came the walk through the woods. I was 14. I was awkward; uncomfortable around everyone. I was determined to try to not look weird that summer. That was the summer I lost my outward geekdom. That was the summer I was more a pawn of fashion, peer approval and judgement than I have ever been before or since. 5 or 6 of the troop were with me, half walking, half jogging through the twisting trails of some park or other. I wanted to fit in. I struggled to keep my mouth shut. I struggled to ignore my impulses. I struggled to be someone other than who I am. I just wanted people not to see me so different. Just for one weekend. Then we met the other troop. And then he saw me: It was that kid from the play therapy group. (Oh brother how I wish I could take it all back right now! You didn't deserve the harvest you were delivered by my hand! Certainly you sowed more than the reaper delivered. Surely, you are worthy of better friends than I was capable of delivering at the time. If you ever read this, please accept my humblest apologies.) He saw and recognized me immediately..and I was mortified. See, I was 14 and getting as shallow as I'd ever gotten. I knew how different the other kids in my troop already thought I was. I knew what I problem that was. I was just starting to make some headway toward convincing them that I was someone acceptable. In my twisted little 14 year old brain, acknowledging this chubby, slow, DIFFERENT kid..would see me tossed back to square one. Back as the quasimodo, reject scapegoat of the troop. My selfish, peer enslaved ego wouldn;t have that. "Hey! Remember me?!", he smiled. "Huh? No. Who are you?" I blushed, "You must be confused." (He wasn't. I was.) "It's me! Remember? A couple of summers ago? We played in the sandbox..remember?" "No man.. sorry I must look like someone you know. I've never seen you before in my life." (A lie. The shittiest most scumbag lie ever.) "No wait! Remember? (something something something..I'm just panicking)", he went on. His voice was starting to distress right now. You see, I was his chance to look cooler than he did to this own troop. I was his chance to show them that he had people who accepted and liked him. We could have been an island against the judgemental shitbags who weren't worthy of our loyalty. But instead I chose to spread the disease. I raised my voice. His eyes welled up with tears as his fellow scouts apologized for him. "He gets confused sometimes," they said, and I knew what they were thinking. Worse yet, I knew what he was feeling. I knew what I'd done to him and did nothing to stop it. They dragged him off like he was a spazz. But he was just reacting from the heart to the pure insanity of what had just been done to him. The pure unexpected, selfish evil of it. I won't forgive myself until the day I can apologize to his face. It's the only regret I have like that. 131130 ... CheapVodka Oh my. That was intense daf, yet somehow very identifiable. I have had few regrets in life. I have always believed that if I do something with the best intentions, then why should I ever be sorry about it? I have held myself to very high standards for many years now, and for the most part it has worked out to my advantage. Long ago, as a child, naturally I did silly and awkward things that I would take back in a heartbeat. However, I know that when I was just a kid I made a lot of decisions based on lack of knowledge or awareness, or even wisdom. Once a person reaches a certain point in their life (not necessarily a specific age but more like a stage of reasoning or wisdom, HECK! I dunno!) said person must start becoming accountable for the decisions they make. I have done some terrible things in my adult life. Too terrible and which I am too ashamed to ever speak/type out loud. I have found that the only form of surrender good enough for myself, to these people that I may never even speak to again, is to spend every nite before sleep, obsessing and depressing over the mistakes I've made. I used to cry, and tell my boyfriend to never mind it. I told him that it was my private pain. Years down the road I have made the conscious effort to ensure that I won't hurt anyone again. At least, not knowingly. I learned these lessons from the torture I forced myself to endure. If I must feel such pain for what I have done, I must not let others feel the pain based on my own actions. It seems like putting a rubberband around one's wrist and popping it everytime you think a naughty thought. Time heals all I guess. Or perhaps learning to just not think about the things you can't change. Is this form of literal forced ignorance true healing? Is it possible to distance oneself from regret without ever offering retribution? Without offering retribution outside of self mutilation, emotional and otherwise? What does a logical person do when they can't fix something they know they've broken? 131130 ... daf These moments of regret and mourning serve to remind us of what is right about doing right and what is so very wrong about doing wrong. 131201 ... daf 2. I broke someone's heart so that I could use someone else's body, ultimately breaking their heart too. It was the summer of '83. It was the best summer of my childhood. I had come out of my shell; had friends and a girlfriend. I had a job at the camp and the respect that came along with it. I was on top of the world. You know, I can't remember the name of the girl I wanted to try to feel up, but I remember the name of the girl I broke up with to do it: Judy Kozlowski. She was really amazing. We would just talk and make each other laugh for hours. She loved horses. I loved horses. She was into me. I was soo into her. So we just hung out at the stable, by the pool..in the woods, wherever. But I was a 15 year old boy with raging hormones and frequent tent-in-pants syndrome. Judy would make out..but wouldn't let me go farther than that. (Note: Smart girl.) And there was this one girl who was very interested in me, and well developed to boot. I decided I wanted to find out HOW well developed. And that's when I fucked everything up. For the record, I've never cheated on anyone sexually in my entire 45 years on this planet. I'm much too loyal for that. I've seen too many broken hearts gone hard with scars to want to add to the mess. But I might as well have that day. I decided I was going to break up with Judy. And she had done NOTHING wrong. She had done nothing to warrant what I did, and the irony is that I still liked her so much. But I was curious and high on my new found confidence and just..justified betraying her by breaking up with her. (I am SO sorry Judy. You were so good to me. I shouldn't have treated you that way. So you know, I never repeated that mistake again. I'm just so very sorry that the lesson was learned by hurting you. If you should read this, please forgive me.) She was heart broken and pissed and cried and didn't understand what she'd done to deserve the treatment I gave her. I don't understand it myself anymore. What a stupid waste! I got with the other girl. And found out how developed she was. It was anticlimactic. Things like that usually are. Mostly though, I just couldn't get into it knowing what I'd done to get there. And I pretty much ditched that girl afterward and tried crawling back to Judy who wouldn't have me. (Note: Smart girl.) (To the girl I used like that: I'm so sorry I did that to you. I'm so very sorry for any harm I caused to your heart or your feelings about yourself. I truly hope you can forgive me for being so stupid and thoughtless.) No one at the camp saw me in quite the same way afterward, and I don't blame them. What a jerk I was that summer. 131201 ... daf Btw: Other than the first one. These are in no particular order. Just as I remember them. 131201 ... dafremen Pot. Pot. Pot. Pot. I never should have taken that first hit when I was 13. It's the little comfort that's killing me. But I really can't bear being around most people without it. PTSD, ATTACHMENT DISORDER, SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER.. Maybe that's why some people call me oversensitive. I find that ironic considering the number of broken hearts, crushed self-esteems, numbed feelings and waning hope that the world seems filled with. All of the angst and piss filled break up songs seem to call BULLSHIT to the notion that I'm oversensitive. Maybe if we'd all met more sensitive people. Maybe if we'd been more sensitive ourselves. Maybe "oversensitive" is actually the right amount of sensitive waiting for the world to get a clue. Maybe that's why I'm so high all of the time. Maybe that's why stoned seems so sober. Maybe. 131220 ... unhinged milarepa urban_bodhisattva 131220 ... epitome of incomprehensibility A few serious ones. A few silly ones. As for other people, I remember a news story last year: a man got a tattoo that said "No Regerts." Laughable, sure, but not really a big deal in the large scheme of things. 131222 ... dafremen Maybe he was traumatized by water fowl as a child and wanted to symbolize his phobia with a tattoo that said "No egrets", but the tattoo artist misunderstood. 131224 ... unhinged i guess telling you how i felt was a mistake again 131227 ... daf I got pissy and started fucking with a friend of mine who was simply trying to comfort me. She didn't understand my state of mind at the time (neither did I.) But it wasn't for lack of trying or caring or loyalty that she failed to reach me and for that I regret deeply what I did to her in return. My online friend Nicole had always sort of been there; rooting for me when appropriate, hissing and booing at the psychotic antics of my ex..also when appropriate. And then came the day that psycho cheated on me. That was the day our relationship was over and I was crushed beyond reckoning. 16 years of striving, loyalty, love and compassion and been for little or nothing. At least nothing that would matter to an elderly me. I was betrayed, surrounded by shallow backstabbers and wasn't feeling particularly sociable. And that's when Nicole contacted and tried to comfort me. And you know, just the sound of that much compassion coming from someone you'd considered a casual friend for so long..well sometimes it sounds like pity. I don't do well with pity. Not well at all. MY mind began inventing this scenario based on some off hand comments by a few haters. "Nicole thinks I'm some pathetic 30 something you might find living in his mother's basement." "That's not empathy, that's her looking down on me like I'm some socially retarded wretch." And that's when I just started pretending like I was Mr. Geek on the Rebound. I started spouting shit like "sparkin and spoonin" "courtin'" and shit like that. It would have been hilarious if it wasn't so awful..if I hadn't been so intent on just MESSING with her when she was being so open to me. When I eventually spat the truth out, it was a in a VERY venomous tone..filled with contempt and loathing. For a loyal friend who was just trying to have my back. The truth was that I didn't want to have anything to do with ANYONE at that point. I was in a hardcore FUCK people mood and really didn't have anyone I felt I could trust. So I didn't trust her either. That was a huge mistake. She was so being my friend. She could so empathize. She's been through sooo much heartache of her own looking for a partner to share her life and loves with. Nicole..I'm so VERY sorry that I treated you like that. You didn't deserve it and I've regretted it ever since. It will ever be something that will make me wince with embarrassment when I think about it. I wish I was better at friendships than I am. You certainly deserve people in your life who are. 131228 what's it to you? who go blather from