dealing sphinxradio roll with the punches, honey. 011221 ... ClairE All you can do is lie back, but it's still such a difficult process. Like a pelvic_exam. It's gonna hurt, but no_one will name it. 011221 ... tricky i don't know how much longer i can take this. every time he re-ups he gets deeper into the game. every time he re-ups he has to spend more time getting rid of it. i don't want to hang out with my boyfriend when he's off running errands to deal. first of all, it's dangerous, second of all, he pays no attention to me! he just thinks about his money and how much he owes and how much he is owed. i haven't heard from him all fucking day. every time i call he says, right now isn't a good time, i'm in the middle of doing something. well what if i never called? what then? would you ever take the time to call me? you say you don't like to sit on the phone all day, well you used to. and that's the man that i fell in love with. you do seem happier now that you're doing something, but it's not a good thing. you're just going to get so caught up in it that you won't get out for a long ass time. i fell in love with a man who wanted to be held by me, not the man you are now--you think i'm clingy when i come to you. so you get upset when i'm clingy, but when i'm not, i get upset because you aren't as affectionate as you used to be. so there's this gap. and i don't know how to fix it. would you quit if i asked you to? or would you be offended? i'm so lost. 040121 ... minnesota_chris you don't sound lost at all. He's a loser. 040121 ... tricky now i know the answer. i just talked to you on the phone, and i told you that it was coming between us. i know what the problem is this time, and i know how to fix it, but you wont let me. you don't even want to try. i told you that your dealing is coming between us, and i asked you if it came the the point where i had to break up with you, would you stop? and you said no. that's all there is to it. you don't give a rat's ass about me. i can see it all clearly now. and when i started bawling on the phone you said, "hey i'm tired, i need to go to sleep." just when i needed to talk to you the most you said you didn't want to talk about it. fuck you 040122 ... tricky now i know the answer. i just talked to you on the phone, and i told you that it was coming between us. i know what the problem is this time, and i know how to fix it, but you wont let me. you don't even want to try. i told you that your dealing is coming between us, and i asked you if it came the the point where i had to break up with you, would you stop? and you said no. that's all there is to it. you don't give a rat's ass about me. i can see it all clearly now. and when i started bawling on the phone you said, "hey i'm tired, i need to go to sleep." just when i needed to talk to you the most you said you didn't want to talk about it. fuck you 040122 ... tricky now i know the answer. i just talked to you on the phone, and i told you that it was coming between us. i know what the problem is this time, and i know how to fix it, but you wont let me. you don't even want to try. i told you that your dealing is coming between us, and i asked you if it came the the point where i had to break up with you, would you stop? and you said no. that's all there is to it. you don't give a rat's ass about me. i can see it all clearly now. and when i started bawling on the phone you said, "hey i'm tired, i need to go to sleep." just when i needed to talk to you the most you said you didn't want to talk about it. i still love you now, but i don't know how long i will be able to stand this. 040122 ... tricky (oops) 040122 ... dries&hardens is difficult. i'm exceptional at convincing myself of lies. an exceptional way to cope, except with you: the champion of avoidance who sits wide-eyed across from me looks lazy-eyed behind me and all the while lays sleeping next to me in the back most parts of my occupied mind untouched, really, by those lies i can't convince myself of shielded by some phantom who has built invisible, impenetrable walls fit for the champion you once were but are not now and for the wide-eyed champion who lays sleeping always in my expectant mind so maybe it has nothing to do with timing as beautifully as that excuse rolls of the tongue when i'm trying to talk in circles around you without you to someone who is not you about you and all the energy in that chambered anatomical marvel is stored up for those times i say those lies aloud and can't look to your eyes because for an instant they are true and there are no walls because there is no champion not now and a phantom failure sleeps always in my paralyzed mind persuading my heart to break 090111 ... no reason maybe it's not so much about breakups themselves, and more about knowing how to deal with pain and guilt and loneliness and change without a real support system. 140424 what's it to you? who go blather from