Doar carved in faith 050714
unhinged this word has been coming up in my life a lot lately and a big part of me despises this selfish strange word.

one day when my mind was tired of reliving the past, my thoughts turned to esoteric linguistics. the word itself doesn't seem to make much sense when examined rudimentarily.

a - not
mends - fix, darn, patch holes

the parts of the word, at least to me, imply not fixing.

so why the fuck have all these people come back to me recently trying to make amends? did it ever cross their minds that maybe there are things that shouldn't be fixed, reconciled, patched up? that maybe in some cases, bring up shit that happened a decade ago could have been more than old news? that maybe it was like picking a scab off a wound so old that the salt of bringing it back to the present seemed little more than selfish?

thank you for reminding me that
for all the work i've done to
make myself better that

some wounds
make scars so solid
no amount of time or distance
can dissolve them
unhinged i don't want to seem like a dick to all the skites around here working steps but being on the receiving end of that step is


i try very hard to master_consideration with those i love so all the junkie_bullshit and selfish oblivious crap doesn't make any sense to me. i am a fallible human being so im sure ive hurt people, but blatant abuse doesn't make any damn sense to me.

there aren't any amends strong enough for using my heart and leaving marks
a clever disguise company 111025
perfectly_chaotic This is a step I have been approaching. I must tell you that the thought of doing so is rather horrific. To actually face some of the people I have harmed.... I am not supposed to merely apologize, but I am also to ask how my actions affected the other person. I am supposed to look at how what I did made them feel.... That is scary. I already have a hard enough time living with and accepting the cold facts about what I have done even without actually having to hear about how their experience of it was....

I have also heard amends can be sort of selfish. In a way it is supposed to be a way of forgiving yourself so that you can move on. It does not mean that your relationships will be fixed. Nor does it mean it will be good as new. I have been told it means you are supposed to do what you can and try to grow from the experience and improve the situation in whatever manner, if any, might be possible.

Maybe I ought not be writing this, but I am not feeling particularly brave about approaching the actions involved in that particular step. I also cannot write of it from an experiential standpoint and that makes me hesitant to post as well.

As I understand it, there is also the possibility of misusing this step as well. Particularly when it comes to making amends with members of the opposite sex. I have heard stories of people who did so because they wanted to either hurt the other person or get something, usually sex, out of doing so. If it is approached incorrectly it can do even more harm still in some cases. I am also terrified that I could, inadvertent of my intentions, do such a thing because my thoughts are not always the clearest to me. This is why one ought, in my opinion, work through the steps with a sponsor who has done so before them. Just because someone thinks an amends ought to be made does not necessarily make it so.

The actual step states "We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"...

To you unhinged, I am sorry to hear that these people have been emotionally injuring you with their attempts at making amends. May you be well.
unhinged i'm not sure if injuring is the right word; i'm not sure about any of it.

i feel angry. when i feel angry, i feel completely thrown off. anger isn't a frequency i've ever vibrated at efficiently. i have a habit of letting the negativity consume me, still.

in the case of far reaching things that happened a decade or so ago, there is also a measure of appreciation for how different i am now. that i've been trying, and mostly succeeding, at being a better person. maybe i shouldn't be so self_righteous and angry. but i couldn't help but STILL get the feeling that i wasn't considered. then or now. part of me was flattered that i was still on that person's radar. so much conflicting shit. most of it i'd rather forget, file away in some deep corner of my mind labeled 'formative years' and thought about only in passing, or when some particularly old writing here is dredged up by three_words

some things are better left in the past. some of those things took me a long time to lay down instead of wearing them like a motherfucking badge of victimhood and self_hate and self_guilt. maybe my own self_work has been tenuous at best.

the more recent of it, there is absolutely no place for amends. he abused me on too many levels. my current boyfriend finds it disrespectful to maintain contact with exes, i know it's not healthy for me, that he's not healthy for me. he has never really wanted to know how i felt; hence all the abuse.

he isn't capable of facing or dealing with the effects of his actions on me. it breaks my heart still to hear him say he's sorry and that he loves me.


i heal so damn slowly; his wound is still open and gaping even though i have this amazing man in my life to help me heal. in a weird ass cosmic_irony these two cases in my life are related, because in face of both of them, i could never talk about how i really felt. but now, i'm grown_up enough to walk_away (finally) from those that i can't share with.

it breaks my heart to ignore him. it breaks my heart to be unheard. but i am scared of him hearing what i have to say because chances are he isn't clean or sober. chances are he'll flip the fuck out and start screaming at me.

i am afraid
because every other time
i told you i_loved_you
implicitly and explicitly
it all ended up the same
unhinged god

this year has been a wheel that i want off of

fuck it
i won't deny my feelings anymore to make you feel more comfortable

i've been on this
for way too long

are just not supposed to be
what's it to you?
who go