heart_pang unhinged god don't leave me yet just let me hold on for one second longer i don't want to let go that's why i couldn't the last time i saw you because i know you aren't coming back all i ever wanted more than anything was to hold your hand 011218 ... ClairE All of a sudden everything in the world narrows into one point and almost your name is on it and I almost yelp. But from the outside it just looks like I've sat on a pin. 011218 ... unhinged my heart can't pang cause it's bursting with you you stayed 011228 ... unhinged fuck i am an idiot 020217 ... blown cherry you say it so well unhinged. May I compliment you? 020218 ... unhinged uuhhh *blushes* sure 020218 ... indie.chickadee ...is what I feel when I cry because of something he did. 020508 ... trudy ouch ouch... i shouldn't have eaten those burgers so fast. 020508 ... unhinged i could never tell you because every moment we were together was like stolen time. i didn't want to make an issue of it; i was just happy to be with you. so when frank told you i was mad at you and you asked me if it was true was i supposed to say yes or was i supposed to lie? i remember not being able to say a word; we were together and that was all that mattered. even though, you used that time to tell me who you had fucked in the interim or who you were going to fuck. and i was not on that list. i was on the 'when all else fails call:' list. or maybe it was the 'when the money runs out but i want to be fucked up' list. i knew that; i knew that when you met other people i would cease to be important. that i would become the back-up plan. but knowing does not prepare anyone for reality. knowing that everyone dies does not prepare you for when your grandma leaves and you know she is never coming back. knowing that you are an addict does not prepare you for the day when you look at your face in the mirror and you barely recognize what you see. you always tell yourself that there is time; some other time. that is what i always told myself about you. some other time; right now you are with her; don't spoil it. i was wrong. i don't think i ever said that i didn't do anything wrong. i knew i was wrong to ever tell you how i felt. i'm sorry if i ever hurt you. i guess me avoiding that is what hurt you in the end. i can't ever tell the truth when it comes to this. it's too hard. my heart feels like it's going to stop; i can't swallow or breathe. everytime i see you, my heart feels like it is going to stop. 021230 ... unhinged harrisburg it still felt like it was going to stop. 050815 ... a quiet sound "everything's a memory with strings that tie to you," 050816 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl damn it i was in love with you, we couldn't be together so i cut out my heart. and now i feel sad that im not in love with you. regardless fo the futility you say we could be toghether before you leave, but then take it back. we've decided ultimately now, more for practical reasons than morals. i miss the days i first felt for you. the innocent, pure love. our first kiss was perfect. now it means nothing. i wonder if it ever did, but i quickly suppress the thought because i dare not tread that path and desecrate all the special moments i thought we had with the ugliness of doubt. so....... ironically from all the other times i've sat here late at night waiting for my feelings to fade i'm now sat waiting to love someone, maybe you again (even though i know it wouldn't work, ever), and lamenting the loss of feeling, the hated numbness that now seeps through everything. why?! for fuck's sake you'd think that after so many thousand years of existing, that human beings would learn that instead of wanting what they can't have, they should just be happy with what they have. but who am i kidding i hate what i have, then when i get something else i hate that too. fucking irony. 050817 ... unhinged i listened to the voicemail you left at the busstop and tears started to slide down my face. i bit my lip and it didn't help. once again, there were tears sliding down my face in public because of you. (at least it was actually sunny today so i didn't look too strange wearing sunglasses) i walked up the street and bought an atmosphere album and a brother_ali album to distract the tears for awhile; at least long enough to make it to the privacy of my own home. i miss you too; hearing your_voice again ripped the scab right off my bleeding_heart. no matter what you say or do, i would never believe you are a horrible person. 110402 ... unhinged this is why exes shouldn't be friends you want my advice but i can't give it cause everytime you talk about how many times you made another girl come I taste bile 120715 ... unhinged YOU write HER poems why the fuck do i keep doing this to myself? 120716 ... rougeartist well if the question i,s do i like you...? does it even sound like a question is another day topic...! yeah so, let me put some facts forward before i even attempt to answer the not so a question....i haven't even noticed much, but your face ...and it has been 213 days ...i have been looking at you!! my favorite would be ..."the lost look on your face..." now you may wanna know why? (face to face u would have most certainly said NO....i luv it when your lips lie to your eyes) ....here i am taking the liberty to assume, you do ask why ! when you are lost..... your eyes are transfixed to dreamy horizon....pupils dilated ... i cherish the enigma in your eyes; those wide eyes...black eyeliner making it even more enticing.... slightly parted lips...shimmering gloss... only if i could kiss you...and feel that rebellious tongue ..!!! the chin....forehead.... hair flickering over your face....there is so much to absorb ..so so much to absorb..!! another of my favorite look on your face is "the smooth shift you make from all giggly self to the fake but serious angry self..." those pursed lips ...scornful eyes..tensed contracting brows...the gaze makes me defenseless... i only wish to give you a peck on thy lips... do you still seek an answer..do you? 140303 ... CheapVodka This is simply going to be a a letter to you, letting you know how I feel. It will be true and wholehearted. I have always been a ridiculously intense and blunt person. I have spent days rewriting this in my head, and I don't even know why. I hate that you have somehow gotten this spell over me and I can't break it. It is the single most confusing thing I have ever experienced. I have always been infamous, as well, for being practically feeling-less. It's an odd and torturous combo to be both passionate and... heartless? (NO! I can't be heartless, whether I feel it or not.) Just a little forward to my super long letter, explaining that I know I'm fucking crazy. If I don't get this out it will continue to eat me up for what feels like the rest of my life. I wish I had never met you, simply because now I can't unknow you. You rapidly became one of the most appealing people in my life but also someone that made my sad little heart skip a beat. I really could care less if anything happened between you and I. All I can really think about is the time you were the sober one and I was the opposite of a lady. (You know, needing to be carried and all.) Playing pool with you that nite, as my partner, was so carefree and without pressure. I have tried to play before as well as after this fateful game with you, and I just don't think it can ever be the same again. Sure sure, I like watching you bend over to take the shot. Really tho, I just couldn't get over the fact that being around you was so easy. Let me even stretch a little further back.. When I walked into the Z Bar to look for my Pop on Valentines Day, I saw you first. As I walked over to my father sitting at the bar with you, I just kept feeling.. I dunno.. struck? I actually physically tried to ignore you for the first 5 mins or so, while also trying to not be rude. The more I let myself hear you and talk a little back, I already felt myself slipping. I knew once you and I and my Dad and Jeremiah sat down at the table, that I wasn't going to want to leave early the way Jeremiah always does. You know what happened next? I let my boyfriend of 7 years, whom I have always cherished and done my best to stick by, walk out of the door on Feb 14. I knew that after that, there wasn't any going back. Yes, we have a lot in common. A disturbing amount.. Lots of people have lots of things in common. Why should that be so important to me? I have been working over this thought for days. I have come to a sort of conclusion, which is that it can't just be that we're so similar. This is where I run into the old adage, 'opposites attract'. I can't hear this ridiculous phrase one more time w/o going off the deep end, for real. I have spent the last 7 years under this twisted inclination that if I just accept all the fundamental differences between Jeremiah and I, I will finally have a happy ending. This was a very comfortable place to continue to convince myself that I was happy. Comfortable, but totally jaded. I have never felt struck by anyone like that in my whole life, accept for the father of my child. Unfortunately, he passed away about a year ago. (The baby-daddy) When I learned of his passing, because we are a country apart, something changed in me. I think it is the feeling of knowing that I will never have such a bond with anyone, ever again. This feeling came to a sort of culmination after meeting you. I don't know if this is just because I have finally realized that I can't keep going on in a loveless, sexless, and volatile relationship; or perhaps it is simply you that I have seen and heard, just you. I have tried to shake this heartache and not become consumed in it. This is where my intensity comes in. I am fully aware of how ridiculous this all seems. I am also fully aware that it has been little over 2 weeks since I even met you. For that matter, I am also aware that this could pass after time. Let me tell you right now, I don't want it to pass. For the first time in almost a decade, it's like I finally felt my heart beat again. I finally started thinking about my life outside of a kept woman. I finally started to remember what a connection to another human, a real connection, could feel like. I just want to tie this whole thing up and be done. Like you, I am also a writer and mostly just like to get my words out so that I can somewhat be free of them, only returning if I feel like it. We are quite the tormented type, I guess. I was just going to put all this, and some more uncensored parts up on a site I write on, but I figured I wanted it to go straight to you. Normally I would never share my thoughts with anyone, especially the one I'm feeling about. This time I decided to stop being such a wuss all the time about everything and just do what I thought was best. I want you to know one more thing: I am grown and no fool. I know from the jump that you not only may feel nothing at all towards me, but also that you have another life. I know that you love your Baby Girls, I can see it when I look in your eyes when you speak about them, and it's beautiful. I know very well that I may never even hear from you again. Tho this really pains me and I fucking hate that it does pain me, because I'm fucking heartless! I really just want you to know the things I would have told you if I had seen you that day at your house or even at the hospital yesterday. I really just want to put all this thought and these feels out there in the universe. I hope that I get a good return. I hope you get better and I stand by what I say. I will be there for you, as a friend surely. I know exactly what you're going thru, my situation is almost identical. I will understand you. I am just crossing my fingers that you will hit me up when you get better. You mended.. must be near greatness. PS. I think you're very lucky to have the last name Golden. It would look so awesome on the cover of a book somewhere. 140304 ... unhinged his eyes twinkle my lips twitch my chest feels like there is a sunny day inside it dying to get out unfurled tulips bursting my lips twitch i smile spontaneously 140506 ... unhinged my heart is too sore to turnover 150908 ... unhinged you told me you are gonna be a dad this morning; that magnifies some painful upwellings i've been having lately pang p(((aaaa)))ng 180821 ... xelda my pangs are mostly for strangers these days it's a place of privilege 180822 ... unhinged ive been burned one too many times by what i guess weren't much more than strangers. these days my heart pangs for the past, using the past to spin out fantasies of an imginary future. maybe that's why some of these things have been bothering me lately; the reality crushes any hope of the fantasy. 180823 ... Risen There's this part of me which wants to daydream, but the rest of me knows that it isn't healthy. So I steer myself away from those thoughts, and I try to distract myself... But then you go and show up in my dreams instead, and now I am helpless 180904 ... Risen There's this part of me which wants to daydream, but the rest of me knows that it isn't healthy. So I steer myself away from those thoughts, and I try to distract myself... But then you go and show up in my dreams instead, and now I am helpless. But I don't mind. 180904 ... unhinged i thought you were different. i thought wrong. but part of me has spent the past six months waiting for you to say exactly what you ended up saying ('you are great but...') these fault lines in my heart are old well worn this time the heartbreak is less of a seismic shift the plate_tectonics less violent there isn't much left to shift these days 190513 what's it to you? who go blather from