heroin Nate Higgins The need you don't yet know you have that reveals everything else for the hollow pointless acts they are. How boring is it to do what is expected? Pointed spear says nothing here To touch and push and rip as directed? Moves not the piston pump without fear You cannot bite me hard enough From the end a single brown drop, a tear? You won’t bleed me dry enough Out the plunger pulling blood near You say you can cut deep enough Expells it’s heavy load another coat of veneer For me to know life again Drifting on the waves a single lonely mutineer But you lie Aegir You don’t even try 991031 ... anastacia you do it to keep out the ugliness of reality... 000320 ... prick if i could do it once and then forget i'd ever done it, i'd do it 010402 ... malediction i want to try it, and i will, and when i get addicted at least i'll know it was my choice 010817 ... daxle I am 010818 ... victor godot how is it becomes - to get sick with your love - how easy to just wait for your man slowing down your belly aches with the painkillers of some "solidarity" service - how fun to mock the others while walking stoned among "people" - how fucking confortable is a good shot - how fucking confortable is a good shot - up to now, i long for - i swear - i pray for a smarter way for ending up my life. 010818 ... Weed Eater The first time you shoot heroin, you've already died. It just takes about 10 years for them to burry you. [Well, not everyone (just junkies).] 010821 ... velvet underground and all you sweet girls with all your sweet talk well you can all go take a walk 010821 ... silentbob I'm choosing not to choose life. who needs all that when you've got heroin? trainspotting 010822 ... Aimee is made from the opium poppy. If purified further I believe it makes morphine. 010822 ... birdmad suddenly after nearly ten years clean i need a fix, really bad ooooh, i can just imagine the feel of the smoke, laced with the opiate searing its way into my lungs 011005 ... *~K & i learned, too, how it is made. the way they follow the fine tracery of veins on the poppy head.. just a few little pricks to let the sap flow. dry heal. & then new holes, just a few millimeters lower... it's very vampiric. draining the entire baby pod of sap. you know it's a brand name? bayer used to make it. it's called that for it's 'heroic' properties. heh. 020218 ... bloodshotglass my favorite drug. i was always into stims - i did experience a brief period of time addicted to coke, but after my source was cut & i had to come off it for a day, i never went back. i never wanted to experience that day again. as for heroin, it is the most beautiful high i have ever experienced. i hope at some point in my old age i will feel this high without the drug..but just from reflecting on a successful life. it's so comfortable, you don't need to talk, to move, to do anything. pinch yourself and you don't feel it. you feel like you're dripping into the most comfortable lazy boy ever. i must admit..not a day goes by that i don't think about the drug. maybe one day i won't. 020810 ... monde it's actually a very boring drug, compared to many others. I felt I needed to stop being so excitable. When I was slowly becoming a junkie it felt like it was happening to somebody else, and that made it all right. I was just watching from the outside. once I'd been dopesick a few times that illusion died, for the most part, but whenever i had money again...it would sort of happen all over again. one me would get up and beep the mexican guys, the other me would watch helplessly, thinking, "she shouldn't be doing that, but she's going to feel good and i'm just going to worry." 030405 ... cube For years we used to do whatever 'soft' drugs we could afford. My buddy went on 'ahead' without me and it wasn't until he'd pulled back from the brink of heroin addiction that he confided in me. He claimed to have used about 40 times before he realized it. It was during that time we both found religion, the same he still uses today. I believe the one addiction helped him to beat the other. ³ 030405 ... monde religion may be the opiate of the masses but opiates are the mass of my religion and nothing's going to change that drugs are easy to believe in but god makes absolutely no sense at least to my sober mind 030405 ... cube I wasn't trying to justify religion - just to point out that addiction can take various forms. I think there are addictive_personality_types, of which I count myself. At various times in my life, I've been addicted to drugs, women, speed (velocity), and religion; to name a few. ³ 030405 ... lani and if i would have listened to my mother... my life might be a little different right now. after three years of not sticking myself...the urge is still almost as strong but i will not succumb- at least not right now----------- 030718 ... lani and if i would have listened to my mother... my life might be a little different right now. after three years of not sticking myself...the urge is still almost as strong but i will not succumb- at least not right now----------- 030718 ... birdmad eleven years and i'm still fighting it, man. most of the time the jones is so close to non-existant that you forget you ever had it, but then there are days, oh man, there are days where it's this seductive voice in the back of your mind, rationalizing how good a little relapse might fee l 030718 ... jane trainspotting 030718 ... regret I watched you OD on it. I saw you almost die before my eyes. Never have I been so scared in my life. I pray you stay clean this time. 030802 ... aurora i've been clean for a year, but only because i don't have a connection. small town. the second i can, i'll do it again, and do it and do it and do it. i love it. it makes me my perfect self when i'm high. it makes me in love, with it with him with myself with everyone. it makes our lovemaking, which is already amazing, FUCKING INCREDIBLE. 031130 ... misstree once, all the stars aligned in such a way that i was able to try it; knew the source, knew the quantity and quality, safe environment, and knew i couldn't get more... god it was glorious... but two of the strongest people i'd ever met told me stories about when they were junkies, and what it took to walk away from it... and i will never forget the haunted look in their eyes... it scared me, seeing that look from *them*... and i know that i can never try it again, that next time it may be the key to killing_me_slowly... 031201 ... Lemon_Soda never. never ever ever ever. Ofcourse its would taste fantastic coursing through my veins. Ofcourse I'd love it if I tried it. ofcourse it would take me places I've never been before. I don't like to give up fantastic things, or things I love. And from what I understand, longterm use is bad for the body, mind, and checking account. 031201 ... birdmad as a junkie, however long i've been clean, i have no sympathy or respect for Rush Limbaugh. BTW, Q: what's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg? A: One's a flaming Nazi gas-bag and the other one's just a dirigible. 031201 ... LLRH Pretty much only drug I have never ingested in any way shape or form. Intruiged - yes. Scared - yes. Knowing my addictive personality and love of that sublime, euphoric wave that only comes with activating those neurons - I know once I have that ultimate high - there aint no goin back. grant me the strength... 031214 ... unhinged don't whatever you do don't i have watched the most beautiful things in my life destroyed by it. the things that kept me alive when i was so close to dead and everyday my heart spins waiting for the phone call. i've tried the perscription kind. broke all kinds of promises to myself and it was beautiful....evilly beautiful. he doesn't eat anymore. everytime i see him he is smaller, more shrunken. and he has tried to quit. several times. but there aren't many ways out of it. and i'm waiting for the phone call that tells me he is finally lost. i remember the voice in my head; such an ugly drug. you know you aren't strong enough to let go of this. you know you always want to feel like this. more. more. more. and it's eating him. the only thing that stopped it from eating me. cause i love him too goddamn much. don't. shakes kissing toilet bowls sleeping pills and none of it will help don't ever 031214 ... Little Lost Riding Hood You just expressed what I could not - experience of it. Thank you for sharing it and the advice. Like the apple to Eve - I know it will be temptation....saying that I was at a mates house the other day and he had about 3 wraps of it - I didnt do it... Lets hope the wrong occasion doesnt present itself at the right time... 031215 ... unhinged this is a topic very close to me right now and i would discourage anyone i could from even trying it; for most people it's not something you can try. once you do it, you're hooked. you are right, it is scary. i've never been so scared by a drug. oxys if you ever find yourself perilously close, the only discouraging advice i can give: think of the one person that would have to watch you die from it. the one person that you love more than words who would watch you spiral down the circle_of_addiction with nothing to discourage you once you've started. because even love isn't good enough to chase it away. the one person that would stand at your grave to be with you. and before you chew, swallow, push the needle in, think of their face, tears streaming down. and maybe that will be good enough to turn you away. maybe 031215 ... sevr not a big deal unless you are a weak minded fuck 031217 ... LLRH OR AN IGNORANT TWAT LIKE YOU.... 031217 ... unhinged yeah sure not a big deal to be a shaking mess in front of a toilet getting perscription sleeping pills from the doctor to try to get some rest to try to get off of it to make the decision several times to go back and maybe one last time you won't get clean and earn yourself a hole in the ground to lie to your friends to get the money to get one last hit to care more about being high than your protruding ribs empty boxes of sleeping pills scattered around your room cause you were a weekend warrior that could quit anytime you wanted only stupid people and dead people think it's no big deal to get yourself high right into the ground 031217 ... chris This is life, with order, in perfection, in its beauty. A warm rush flows through the brain in less than a second. Comfort surrounds your mental state, followed quickly by physical comfort, as if being cradled by a tender, caring entity, protecting you from all anxieties, misfortunes, bad feelings: these have all been forgotten. Any part of your life that was out of place now fits perfectly like a puzzle. Every part of life seems to be happily repaired. A grand sense of euphoria surrounds every sense, while each cell in the human body is treated to a warm bath of pleasure, accompanied by an indescribable gravity that only adds to the pleasure and overall bodily sensation. But the bodily sensation isn’t what makes the experience so incredible. It is experiencing life as if it were perfect. 040204 ... RainForest Well, it should be good. Who expects to live forever and the people I love are junkies too. 040205 ... Sid and Nancy The day becomes beautiful and calm forever more. I'll just make sure I have a constant supply and never run out. I'm making plans for addiction and plans on how to avoid withdrawal. I just don't expect to ever stop. That takes care of that problem. Now where's the safe place for vehicle storage? 040216 ... depressed the stuff is amazing, but im out of college because i couldnt stop. i know now that if i go back i will lose everything, and probably commit suicide through overdose. you know whats scary? im actually really considering it. 040217 ... grendel i miss it on days like today 040217 ... .fallen I hear ya, man.....believe me, I hear ya 040217 ... nemo i started because... he killed himself. i needed a new best friend and no one here was good enough to take his place. i lost respect for life and realized my own mortality all at the same time. i started one day, and havent stopped since... now im broke, i work 60 hours a week to keep my habit, my friends have forgotten me or atleast i would hope so. because he died, i dont want anyone close to me ever again, it almost hurts to know some one so well, and then think about how easily i could loose them. its better being alone. but i_dont_want_you_to_be_alone. i dont want to know you or anyone else, youre better off. maybe my addiction is deeper than i thought. each day i remember him, i do a shot, it all goes away.. except those days that i dont have the money or i have to work before she wakes up... those days suck, i feel like falling over, or falling up. on those days that i cant float away i am plagued with memories, regrets maybe, questions, thoughts, voices, pictures, but then... all i have to do to make everything go away is 30 black cc's of that certain opiate. it seems like so long ago this wasnt even an issue. 040323 ... quotree heroin, she said, was the best i had no more mountains left to climb the world's so slow, are my dreams just too high to be fulfilled in time? -wumpscut, "heroin, she said" 040405 ... quickshaggy im lost without being lost.and hoping to be found im now clean but it will never go away.and i wish to die every day some time the sleep less night and pain full days arnet worth life 040428 ... unhinged yeah bird, it's days like today that i understand why 040428 ... thieums I'm your hero. You're my heroin. 040428 ... another knot in the string False enlightenment ..Yes Supreme_enlightenment...NO Drug of choice...yes Drug I love...no the brain and vein crave the heart and soul cry the ten_supreme_hearts are stomped in the dirt of the tracks I make on the way to claim the prize. Another Knot in the string 040611 ... another knot in the string A thought, A_seed_of_light Popped in my head today. I looked up at the sky..into the light and trees. I noticed how beautiful it was. For the first time in years... Why ...I know why.. and it is a shame. It is the title of this blathe. 040611 ... :) Amen. 040611 ... daxle I am. 040611 ... .... daxle I am 010818 040611 ... daxle very observant of you 040612 ... nemo riding the horse again 040810 ... nemo lets go see my boy, you know -- ron_my_hero. 040810 ... lani i posted on this over a year ago. my veins are still free and clear of any self-inflicted battle scars. the frightening sickness remains only in memories and dreams. and i am happy when i just take it one day at a time. 041021 ... eklektic my roommate does heroin 041022 ... applegirl "im diving in" she says like that dream she had about drowning like that with all the black precious bubbles mocking her thirsty lungs she is me licking the dew from our lips and we are diving until we drown in every elixir created 050130 ... cat like kissing god the world stands still in permanment peace just for that first few minutes kike god has lifted u in his arms 050216 ... picasko cat ......like god lifting u up in his warm arms forever it seems but really only a warm sunfilled few hours in time until your rejected back (if only the stone was a permanent fixture comeon chemists!) though the stargate naked screaming and cold all your friends gone since your time warp returns u to a even greater loneliness emptyness and pain than wenst u entered that star gate of ill usion 050216 ... oldephebe I watched a drummer friend of mine turn from an elegant smooth lady killer type into a dope sick lunatic frothing at the mouth and ready to decapitate a guy who just brushed by him and make a harmless remark, one that he's made many times one that highschool and college guys reeling in the testosterone tempests will make cause they can't help themselves, no impulse control...we're were in the campus cafeteria and hadn't spoken for a few weeks. I'd met him at west virginia tech, i think initially the recognition of a kindred spirit was manifested by our similarity in clothes. we both wore baggie pleated dress pants, pointy toed shoes, silk shirts with small collars and thin ties and even so retro 50's style ties with the elegant frank sinatra style brim and mohair and or camel over coats, scarfs and all that...i think he was in a bennigans ordering a rob roy and i happened to walk by having just beendenied admittance to a private party even though i was invited by one of the guests (this WAS west virginia and me a young black guy who spoke like an upper crust yankee really ribbed them the wrong way) so anyway D called me over and we complimented one anothers wardrobe between his effortless flirtations with this 20 year old blonde bar tender, anyway i learned he was a jazz drummer and a poly sci major or something who liked to play in jazz clubs on the weekend...he asked me to check out the jazz club scene in that little parochial hamlet charleston masquerading as a city. we started hanging out and sitting in me on tenor sax him on drums and me drinking lite beer and him ordering rob roys and both of us had a serious rat pack obsession. He could talk his way into the panties of co-eds and professors alike, even the owner of the jazz clubs wife got all breathless and panting and coquetish around him...i gotta say that this brother WAS good looking but you know he confided to me that he couldn't understand how a guy like me who was at least just as good looking as me (his words not mine) was soooo shy and sooo diffident around attractive women...and why did a woman have to practically throw herself into my lap before i'd say anything to her? a few weeks into our friendship he started borrowing money. then he'd stay at the club later and later, he began looking a little disheveled, he started leaving campus ostensibly going back home to attend to some familial crisis or something. one day we were just hanging outside the dorm in a little alcove and he pulls out a ciggarette and offers it to me..he knew i didn't smoke,,i mean i smoked a pipe (just tobacco and only occassionally because of the singing) then he asked me if i ever tried cocain...i was cool but i said nah it's not for me, i don't wanna burn a hole through my nasal cavity. he smirked, secretly knowling as if to himself, as if he were in the possession of the greatest secret known to man. he pulled out a newport, mentholated and unwrapped it and produced from his wallet a small package of coke and proceeded to mix it with the tobacco, with very deft and quick movements of his hand as if he had been doing it for years lit up took a few drags and offered it to me. i declined several times finally on the third or fourth time i accepted the cocain drenched ciggarette took a modest drag and experienced a kind of nausea from the cocktail of assorted chemicals that were being expelled from my chest...blech. did you feel anything man? Uh...not really. This was a little jarring but i was cool, but inwardly i'd begun to withdraw from him. we began going out less and less and he lost whieght and started dress in just jeans and the assorted T - shirt. and then the signs, he began wearing long sleeves, scratching and going to more seedier clubs..and he began to lose connection with the effect of his actions, his abandonment of the performative considerations and implications of friendship those with men and women, and his friends and his girl friends just became a means to him getting another bag. i reached the point where i couldn't really get angry with him...the club we played at no longer wanted him to play there..i still did, but i was mostly going through the motions and the clubs owners mostly related to me through him...i'm was and still am pretty reserved and not the luminescent and intoxicating fountain of charisma that he was....he finally left school and said something like "man i really f---ed up but i'll be back man you'll see, we'll go out and i'll finally convince you to sing in front of poeple and you'll get paid and we'll put together a quintet and look back on this s--t and laugh" - and then without missing a beat looked me straight in the eyes smiled and said "you have a few bucks, my brother only sent me enough for the bus ticket." (i think he brother probably just sent him the ticket)and got on the bus that would take him home. D was a guy who could have gone to new york and produced musicals, owned and promoted his own clubs concerts and he wasn't a bad drummer and a pretty decent choreographer as well. what a freaking waste of talent and person. ... 050216 ... oldephebe I watched a drummer friend of mine turn from an elegant smooth lady killer type into a dope sick lunatic frothing at the mouth and ready to decapitate a guy who just brushed by him and make a harmless remark, one that he's made many times one that highschool and college guys reeling in the testosterone tempests will make cause they can't help themselves, no impulse control...we're were in the campus cafeteria and hadn't spoken for a few weeks. I'd met him at west virginia tech, i think initially the recognition of a kindred spirit was manifested by our similarity in clothes. we both wore baggie pleated dress pants, pointy toed shoes, silk shirts with small collars and thin ties and even so retro 50's style ties with the elegant frank sinatra style brim and mohair and or camel over coats, scarfs and all that...i think he was in a bennigans ordering a rob roy and i happened to walk by having just beendenied admittance to a private party even though i was invited by one of the guests (this WAS west virginia and me a young black guy who spoke like an upper crust yankee really ribbed them the wrong way) so anyway D called me over and we complimented one anothers wardrobe between his effortless flirtations with this 20 year old blonde bar tender, anyway i learned he was a jazz drummer and a poly sci major or something who liked to play in jazz clubs on the weekend...he asked me to check out the jazz club scene in that little parochial hamlet charleston masquerading as a city. we started hanging out and sitting in me on tenor sax him on drums and me drinking lite beer and him ordering rob roys and both of us had a serious rat pack obsession. He could talk his way into the panties of co-eds and professors alike, even the owner of the jazz clubs wife got all breathless and panting and coquetish around him...i gotta say that this brother WAS good looking but you know he confided to me that he couldn't understand how a guy like me who was at least just as good looking as me (his words not mine) was soooo shy and sooo diffident around attractive women...and why did a woman have to practically throw herself into my lap before i'd say anything to her? a few weeks into our friendship he started borrowing money. then he'd stay at the club later and later, he began looking a little disheveled, he started leaving campus ostensibly going back home to attend to some familial crisis or something. one day we were just hanging outside the dorm in a little alcove and he pulls out a ciggarette and offers it to me..he knew i didn't smoke,,i mean i smoked a pipe (just tobacco and only occassionally because of the singing) then he asked me if i ever tried cocain...i was cool but i said nah it's not for me, i don't wanna burn a hole through my nasal cavity. he smirked, secretly knowling as if to himself, as if he were in the possession of the greatest secret known to man. he pulled out a newport, mentholated and unwrapped it and produced from his wallet a small package of coke and proceeded to mix it with the tobacco, with very deft and quick movements of his hand as if he had been doing it for years lit up took a few drags and offered it to me. i declined several times finally on the third or fourth time i accepted the cocain drenched ciggarette took a modest drag and experienced a kind of nausea from the cocktail of assorted chemicals that were being expelled from my chest...blech. did you feel anything man? Uh...not really. This was a little jarring but i was cool, but inwardly i'd begun to withdraw from him. we began going out less and less and he lost whieght and started dress in just jeans and the assorted T - shirt. and then the signs, he began wearing long sleeves, scratching and going to more seedier clubs..and he began to lose connection with the effect of his actions, his abandonment of the performative considerations and implications of friendship those with men and women, and his friends and his girl friends just became a means to him getting another bag. i reached the point where i couldn't really get angry with him...the club we played at no longer wanted him to play there..i still did, but i was mostly going through the motions and the clubs owners mostly related to me through him...i'm was and still am pretty reserved and not the luminescent and intoxicating fountain of charisma that he was....he finally left school and said something like "man i really f---ed up but i'll be back man you'll see, we'll go out and i'll finally convince you to sing in front of poeple and you'll get paid and we'll put together a quintet and look back on this s--t and laugh" - and then without missing a beat looked me straight in the eyes smiled and said "you have a few bucks, my brother only sent me enough for the bus ticket." (i think he brother probably just sent him the ticket)and got on the bus that would take him home. D was a guy who could have gone to new york and produced musicals, owned and promoted his own clubs concerts and he wasn't a bad drummer and a pretty decent choreographer as well. what a freaking waste of talent and person. ... 050216 ... oldephebe I watched a drummer friend of mine turn from an elegant smooth lady killer type into a dope sick lunatic frothing at the mouth and ready to decapitate a guy who just brushed by him and make a harmless remark, one that he's made many times one that highschool and college guys reeling in the testosterone tempests will make cause they can't help themselves, no impulse control...we're were in the campus cafeteria and hadn't spoken for a few weeks. I'd met him at west virginia tech, i think initially the recognition of a kindred spirit was manifested by our similarity in clothes. we both wore baggie pleated dress pants, pointy toed shoes, silk shirts with small collars and thin ties and even so retro 50's style ties with the elegant frank sinatra style brim and mohair and or camel over coats, scarfs and all that...i think he was in a bennigans ordering a rob roy and i happened to walk by having just beendenied admittance to a private party even though i was invited by one of the guests (this WAS west virginia and me a young black guy who spoke like an upper crust yankee really ribbed them the wrong way) so anyway D called me over and we complimented one anothers wardrobe between his effortless flirtations with this 20 year old blonde bar tender, anyway i learned he was a jazz drummer and a poly sci major or something who liked to play in jazz clubs on the weekend...he asked me to check out the jazz club scene in that little parochial hamlet charleston masquerading as a city. we started hanging out and sitting in me on tenor sax him on drums and me drinking lite beer and him ordering rob roys and both of us had a serious rat pack obsession. He could talk his way into the panties of co-eds and professors alike, even the owner of the jazz clubs wife got all breathless and panting and coquetish around him...i gotta say that this brother WAS good looking but you know he confided to me that he couldn't understand how a guy like me who was at least just as good looking as me (his words not mine) was soooo shy and sooo diffident around attractive women...and why did a woman have to practically throw herself into my lap before i'd say anything to her? a few weeks into our friendship he started borrowing money. then he'd stay at the club later and later, he began looking a little disheveled, he started leaving campus ostensibly going back home to attend to some familial crisis or something. one day we were just hanging outside the dorm in a little alcove and he pulls out a ciggarette and offers it to me..he knew i didn't smoke,,i mean i smoked a pipe (just tobacco and only occassionally because of the singing) then he asked me if i ever tried cocain...i was cool but i said nah it's not for me, i don't wanna burn a hole through my nasal cavity. he smirked, secretly knowling as if to himself, as if he were in the possession of the greatest secret known to man. he pulled out a newport, mentholated and unwrapped it and produced from his wallet a small package of coke and proceeded to mix it with the tobacco, with very deft and quick movements of his hand as if he had been doing it for years lit up took a few drags and offered it to me. i declined several times finally on the third or fourth time i accepted the cocain drenched ciggarette took a modest drag and experienced a kind of nausea from the cocktail of assorted chemicals that were being expelled from my chest...blech. did you feel anything man? Uh...not really. This was a little jarring but i was cool, but inwardly i'd begun to withdraw from him. we began going out less and less and he lost whieght and started dress in just jeans and the assorted T - shirt. and then the signs, he began wearing long sleeves, scratching and going to more seedier clubs..and he began to lose connection with the effect of his actions, his abandonment of the performative considerations and implications of friendship those with men and women, and his friends and his girl friends just became a means to him getting another bag. i reached the point where i couldn't really get angry with him...the club we played at no longer wanted him to play there..i still did, but i was mostly going through the motions and the clubs owners mostly related to me through him...i'm was and still am pretty reserved and not the luminescent and intoxicating fountain of charisma that he was....he finally left school and said something like "man i really f---ed up but i'll be back man you'll see, we'll go out and i'll finally convince you to sing in front of poeple and you'll get paid and we'll put together a quintet and look back on this s--t and laugh" - and then without missing a beat looked me straight in the eyes smiled and said "you have a few bucks, my brother only sent me enough for the bus ticket." (i think he brother probably just sent him the ticket)and got on the bus that would take him home. D was a guy who could have gone to new york and produced musicals, owned and promoted his own clubs concerts and he wasn't a bad drummer and a pretty decent choreographer as well. what a freaking waste of talent and person. ... 050216 ... Mister Brightside a bittersweet laugh in the thought that the junk never had second thoughts and ran back up the needle once it was flowing in my veins 050216 ... distilled mouse Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers 050804 ... jordie I remember in fifth grade thinking I'd never drink. then middleschool came. I remember in 6th grade thinking I'd never smoke weed. then 7th grade came. I remember thinking I'd never take pills. Then ninth grade came. I remember thinking I'd never do coke. Then I was a sophomore. I remember thinking I'd never do heroin. That was 6 months ago. 060517 ... nemo bridget_barnstead died of this. i think she meant for it to happen... nov 19 or nov 20... sometime saturday night, but it could have been sunday morning. i think i will go use some to honor her memory.. maybe 061121 ... eklektic i just saw I once blathed "my roommate does heroin". funny considering i, now, am a recovering addict. 061231 ... list it kills me that there is nothing i can do to help her with this. i remember when we were little and she taught me dance routines and we made puppet shows and built sandcastles, and now she's addicted to heroin?! life effing sucks. 070611 ... hsg ibogaine.org 070611 ... jane reminds_me 070725 ... current_dismal_contributor her what? 091020 ... unhinged heroin_doll 091021 ... Michael proof that scientific advancement and progress doesn't always give positive results. I never used the fucking needles, but plenty went up my nostril with every other poison invented by the chemists since 1850 110924 ... unhinged heroin_ 110925 ... (z) (a great song) 110926 ... jane he relapsed again, he told me, after seeing me last night, on my birthday. it's manipulation; it must be. i am not responsible for him, his sobriety, his recovery. the best thing i can do is to cut all those ties before i get dragged down with him. when my drinking was at its heaviest, i understood losing yourself to a substance. i understood that each nugget of substance gets you less and less high, less distance from your problems. i understood that addicts are human beings with a disease. i'm losing faith they can be helped. or maybe just him. his obsession with me is dangerous. all i can think is, "this is toxic. this is unhealthy. i don't want to be a part of it." he'll relapse, regardless of me. it's not my responsibility. it can't be. 181127 ... unhinged heroin_ heroin_doll oxy_blanket battered_woman_syndrome dr gabor mate has some amazing insights into addiction and addicts. the first thing being that all addicts have experienced trauma. healing trauma is a personal responsibility that cannot be done from the outside. but when you are on the outside loving that traumatized person it can be a smeared around shit show of epic proportions. (after a typical fight of ours i told him he needed a therapist and that i was not a therapist. he was court ordered into treatment to avoid a possible third strike prison sentence of sixty two years. he decided to start digging into his problems. he acknowledges that his addiction is because of his childhood trauma, is ready to get to the bottom of the trauma to leave behind his addiction. i knew this years ago. it has been agonizing watching him take almost a decade and another potential and long stint in prison to figure this out.) epidemic 181128 what's it to you? who go blather from