apologizing unhinged simply_put i can never say things like this. i wish that i could. i know that you want me to. but i can never find the words to say. when i heard you say 'nicole you deserve better than that' it went right through me. i liked holding your hand. i liked feeling your arms around me. i was happy then. and when i am happy i always find ways to deflate that happiness. i really didn't think that you were using me, that you would just do that to me for the hell of it, but i must always find a reason. it's not you. it's me and my past. what happened between us that night meant a lot to me because i know that i can feel like that with someone and be sober. i can be close to someone with no ulterior selfish motives. i would love to repeat that night over and over with one small difference. but i am still me and i am still scared. i still cannot tell people how i feel on the spot. i have been yelled at and rejected too many times for how i feel. and the things here are things in the past. i know that i hurt you and i don't want to hurt you ever. there are still other people in my heart just like i am sure there are still other people in your heart. but if i had to choose between the real and the imaginary i would choose the real. you are real. what happened that night was real. but i was afraid to say anything about it the next day. i am still afraid to say anything about it because everytime i attach words to things they disappear. when you got out of the car the next day, i wanted to grab your hand, kiss you but instead i watched you walk away. it couldn't be real. i still try to convince myself of that. it couldn't be real that something i wanted for so long was in front of my face. i am still hurt and torn. but so are you i think. how do i explain all of this to you over the telephone, in a stupid window? i know that you love me and for that i love you. i love you for showing me that i can have better than that. and for that reason i hold you like glass, afraid that the ugliest thing i know in this world will break you; me. i don't want you to be broken the way that i was broken. i am a silly selfish little girl and i know that will happen. sometimes i think we may be too much alike. 020514 ... silentbob its almost unconscious. if any opposition occurs you're so quick to abandon yourself and assume you must be wrong. I'm sorry, i'll just stop 020515 ... phil kills unhinged and displays her to the Cubans. 020515 ... Ursm I am having a bit of a problem getting a straight answer from you. You have told me how you felt on here, and I am sorry if I can't see the problem. I know you have had some rough experiences, but I have never hurt you and never will. I am not going to go through an emotional battle with you. I am going to put it all right out in the open. There is not a big issue. I like you and I respect you. That night meant a great deal to me and, I find joy in the thought of being with you again. I have been through a lot in the past year. I am to a point now where I am very hard to hurt. You are not going to hurt me even if you tried. Now, to the point. Do you want that night to remain a happy memory, or do you want it to be the beginning of something even better. Please do not make this is an issue because it isn't. We are not children. This is the last I want to say about this online. If you want to talk further, I will talk to you one on one and face to face. 020515 ... jessica fletcher am i always wrong? 020520 ... TalviFatin I find myself appologizing for things that I have no control over. Things that do not pertain to me. Am I just an appologetic person? Is it a lack of backbone? Why do I do these things? 080721 what's it to you? who go blather from