march deb Michelle stood with her back to the cold March air. The wind tossed her blunt raven bob into her face and around her ears. It played at the nape of her neck, sending a shiver down her back. She reached up to tuck a wisp back behind her ear and she looked up to see Kyle walking around the corner. "Hey Mickey! Let's go to my car. It's warmer in there than out here." She nodded and he took her hand and led her to the parking lot. "Wow, your hands are freezing!" He exclaimed as she inched closer to him to get warm. They reached his car and climbed in, then turned it on to get the heater going so they wouldn't 'freeze to death'. He reached over and began to warm her hands by blowing on them and rubbing them with his. After a few minutes, Michelle asked, "So, what do we need to talk about?" Her eyes were serious. "Oh, nothing," Kyle smiled and kissed her fingertips. She pulled her hands away from him and looked into his eyes. He was confused. "What? Wha'd I do wrong?" Kyle's face was hurt but controlled. Michelle looked as if she were about to cry: eyebrows raised, eyes sad; bottom lip pouty. She simply shook her head, looked down at her lap, and she twisted her class ring on her finger. She took a deep breath and turned to Kyle, saying, "You always do that. I mean, you make me think you need to tell me something important when all you really want is to get me alone." Her voice was strained and it cracked when she said the last word. Kyle's mouth dropped and he didn't know what to say, "Uh, well, I mean, Michelle. Can you really blame me? I never get to see you anymore," He lamely grasped for some rational reason to constantly have her to himself. "Does that make it right?" She squealed, becoming more and more uptight with every word that was spoken. "You lied to me Kyle-" "Make what right? Michelle, hon, you're not making sense. No. That's not what I meant. I mean-- I don't know what I meant-- I'm sorry," Kyle reached for her hands that were clenched and raised to her chin. She jerked away from him. He gave up and the two sat in silence. It was Michelle who spoke first, "I'm sorry. It's just, sometimes I feel like I'm just a body to you. Like you don't really love me. I know. It's stupid." She raised her brown puppydog eyes to his and begged for forgiveness though she had done no wrong. "It's OK. I'm sorry too. But, Michelle, what do you want? Do you want me to just SAY I love you, or would you rather me prove it? Because," He paused, sighed heavily, said nothing for a moment, then went on, "If you say you want me to just say it, I'm not sure I can handle that." Kyle was the one looking at his hands this time. "What are you saying?" Michelle looked almost frantic, one hand reaching for him but not touching him, sitting on one foot, leaning toward him, other hand in her hair, wild look in her eye... "Are you saying that if I won't-" She paused, knowing full well he knew what she was insinuating, "Then you'll-?" Her breathing quickened as she mewed over the possible outcomes and she silently begged for him to answer her. The air was so tense and thick they could barely breathe though neither really tried to. No one spoke, but both knew the answer. Michelle just hoped she was somehow wrong about him. After a long pause, her boyfriend of eighteen months finally breathed, "All I'm saying is you need to think about it. Because I don't know if I can-" She cut him off, splurting out, "I have to go-" She gasped, gulped down a sob, and grappled for a handle. Once she got the door open, she ran. Michelle burst through the outside door of the cafeteria and she ran, hands over scarlet face, out the 'enter only' door, and through the hallway. Abbie dabbed her lips while she stood, threw her napkin over her dessert, and yelled to Cynthia, Nate, and everyone else at her table, "I'll be back--" Abbie couldn't find Michelle in the hall, but when she looked up, she saw the door to the lady's room shutting. She ran after her friend. Michelle stood stunned in the corner under the window, between the wall and the sinks. She was shaking, her arms folded over her chest like a little girl in a great big department store who lost her mommy. When Abbie walked into the room, what was left of Michelle's composure crumbled. She gulped the air as if it would somehow run out and she would drown in her own tears, and she began to sink into the ground. Abbie walked toward her, arms open, saying, "Oh, Shelly." She knelt beside her and wrapped the poor girl in a hug. Michelle grasped Abbie to her and she sobbed, "It's not your fault Abbie." The two crouched there for a while and the only sound in the room was Michelle's muffled weeping. Some girl walked into the room and when she saw them huddled there, mumbled, "Sorry," And she silently made her exit. Michelle began to mumble the same words over and over again, but Abbie couldn't quiet make them out. Michelle gasped for breath and turned her head, so Abbie could finally hear what she was saying. "I can't. I can't. I just can't. I can't..." With each insistence, she shook her head, cried a little less and began to give up a little more, but hugged Abbie to her a little tighter for security. Suddenly, she let go of her friend and Michelle crumbled into the corner, shaking her head, saying, "I can't. I can't..." She was quivering like a small child who just stepped out of a warm bath and into the cold air. Abbie instinctively reached out to touch her shoulder, but Michelle wouldn't let her touch her anymore. She just sat on the floor, burbling nothingness. All Abbie could think was, "She snapped. She's gone." Poor Abbie felt helpless. What could she do? 991209 ... McKenna March fourth. The only day that's also a command. 000124 ... oodles March third of 1993 was the first time that the four of us laughed together: Amber-quiet but wild, Kelly-pretty but flighty, Erica-funny but insecure, and me (Karen)-smart but immature. There we were, adolescents living every moment of life to its absolute fullest. We laughed, we cried, we laughed, we made mistakes, we made amazing memories. I could learn a lot from the girl I used to be. 000204 ... For sure! it's what you do in the marching band, that's for sure. 000712 ... Rhin eight years left...checkmate. 030107 ... (at least these days) it's not anything but a thing that should move forward but hardly feels like it does. 030317 ... niska it's ok. it's over now... ;) 030402 ... minnesota_chris I visited London on the way back from Russia once, at the beginning of March. March 1st in Russia is like March 1st in Minnesota: grey brown piles of snow, rain and mud. But in London, it was green grass and TULIPS! Sure it was rainy, but it looked happy even so. And I had to leave that idyll and go back to my home, the land of grey brown... 030402 ... Lady Lightness march 19 so much is happening. i am in the thick of the fire. i am living in la. i am spending time with my family in their homes. i am learning about my patterns of behavior. my old self is dying. i am living in a house with 12 other people. i am spending my time and energy working at a restaurant. i am doing a clinical drug study. i am unsure if i will make this months rent. i am living in venice beach. i am sitting in a coffee shop off main. i am 5 blocks from the ocean. today was the first day i didnt go to the beach. i am spending time with eric. i am touching eric. i am letting him touch me. i am scared that he doesnt care about me and that i am not special to him. i am eating meat- and raw chicken ceviche. i am neither fat nor thin, nor in shape nor out of shape. i need to get myself to yoga. i talked to steve on facebook. i have my own space! i have my bed and my room and although it is shared, my space is mine. i am dancing. i am about to receive my hulahoop in the mail- i designed it, and a woman in wisconsin made it and i paid her for it and now it is coming. i am completely distrustful of men of people- although i feel love, i fear that any love or compassion is temporary, an outlier. i am missing school and learning. i am learning so much on my own at my own pace. i showed angel blather and now he writes there. i read a book on intimacy and family systems therapy. i take the big blue bus all over the west side. i am practicing pranayama breathing. i am thinking about life. i am covered in moments of freedom and bliss and no-i/lady lightness-ness. i chant om namah shivayah when i walk. i am watching the grey sky over the pacific slowly grow dark. i give $5 to circus street performers on venice beach. 070320 ... little wonder hi, march. you can start melting stuff and being spring-like anytime. 080307 ... no reason we're expecting 30–40 cm of snow tonight i don't know how the city will hold it 080307 what's it to you? who go blather from