unhinged we all have things we tell no one. things we hide from every one. things society doesn't want to hear or see so we keep them hidden.

even me, even here, there are things i haven't been able to say directly.

there has been a shift in recent years. to even name the issues like toxic_masculinity even amongst all the backlash has shifted things deep in me so that maybe i can finally take the first step of telling this place clearly of the deep pain i have finally started to heal. i have finally found someone that deserves me to be as whole as possible. (please spare me any lectures about my lack of self_motivation. the medical community has since proven things like that don't come easy to depressives. but i have strengthened my self_respect enough in the intervening decades to at least trust my own inherent awesomeness. that is better than nothing blather_family). maybe he makes me feel safe enough to confront the things i boxed_up and locked in a cage in the cold dank corner of the basement no one wants to go. maybe the confluence of building my health and confidence and randomly taking the bus that night led me to the person that held up the light. maybe the fact that our society is holding up a light to abuse actually did help more than i thought. (i was skeptical of those that said metoo would allow me to heal. now i understand the power in naming things.)

i am grieving for losing my heart for all these years. i am overjoyed at the man and the relationship that is allowing me to reintegrate my heart. should i tell him that? i no longer want to cut_and_run but i still fear it from others.

do not back away

trungpa rinpoche was right. life gets really damn juicy when you can take your seat and keep it.
unhinged i have been sexually assaulted three times. including the time that i lost my virginity. after that first time, i called a rape hotline and the person on the other end of the phone told me it was my fault because i was drunk. (not drunk enough to not remember the whole thing though, the part where i explicitly told that fuck that i didn't want to have sex with him that night...the fact that i drank with him negated my clearly stated words.) yes, the WOMAN on the other end of a rape hotline told me i was at fault.

i became one of those repeat statistics. in part because i have always had an overly trusting nature (which for years i have struggled to repress and made myself miserable denying by becoming suspicious instead). in part because of the way i lost my virginity infecting my subconscious with the insidious idea that saying no didn't matter anyways. that my subconscious led me to assholes and predators because i didn't have to confront what happened to me if i confirmed that i was nothing better than a hole to stick it in over and over and over.

a few years ago after a questionable encounter that exists in the grey area i believe exists between consent and rape i decided to stop having sex until i could communicate clearly what i wanted. i was celibate for years. i meditated on the nature of my heart. i meditated on the nature of my trauma. i named it what it really was...trauma. just because i didn't get killed or beaten didn't mean that i wasn't abused. i sat with the nature of my heart in light of those quiet_realizations that have recently seismically shifted the way i relate to the man i am in a relationship with.

the infection is clearing. the wounds are finally healing. the future seems less bleak. THAT is a miracle to the person i used to be.
ergo hum Thank you your words do heal
The naming of names
feeling the pain
our hearts remain
. . 190302
unhinged lust_hurts on red 190302
unhinged i know i've been stingy with my words since we met


unhinged the day i went to that clinic was literally the worst and hardest day of my life.

i went alone
the nurse held my hand
the demerol did not put me to sleep
the nurse held my hand
shocked that i was so wide awake
the doctor
a empathetic furrow between her eyes

(what happened next i still can't say
too much of a violation
too much of a violence on
my body and soul
my body didn't want to let go of you
my heart knew that i had to)

but i had to evict you then
before i could change my mind
when i thought of our future
there was only terror

you deserved more
than terror

the sacrifice was really just mine
there will always be a hole in my heart
where you should be
what's it to you?
who go