explicit
unhinged
we
all
have
things
we
tell
no
one
.
things
we
hide
from
every
one
.
things
society
doesn't
want
to
hear
or
see
so
we
keep
them
hidden
.
even
me
,
even
here
,
there
are
things
i
haven't
been
able
to
say
directly
.
there
has
been
a
shift
in
recent
years
.
to
even
name
the
issues
like
toxic_masculinity
even
amongst
all
the
backlash
has
shifted
things
deep
in
me
so
that
maybe
i
can
finally
take
the
first
step
of
telling
this
place
clearly
of
the
deep
pain
i
have
finally
started
to
heal
.
i
have
finally
found
someone
that
deserves
me
to
be
as
whole
as
possible
. (
please
spare
me
any
lectures
about
my
lack
of
self_motivation.
the
medical
community
has
since
proven
things
like
that
don't
come
easy
to
depressives.
but
i
have
strengthened
my
self_respect
enough
in
the
intervening
decades
to
at
least
trust
my
own
inherent
awesomeness.
that
is
better
than
nothing
blather_family
).
maybe
he
makes
me
feel
safe
enough
to
confront
the
things
i
boxed_up
and
locked
in
a
cage
in
the
cold
dank
corner
of
the
basement
no
one
wants
to
go
.
maybe
the
confluence
of
building
my
health
and
confidence
and
randomly
taking
the
bus
that
night
led
me
to
the
person
that
held
up
the
light
.
maybe
the
fact
that
our
society
is
holding
up
a
light
to
abuse
actually
did
help
more
than
i
thought
. (
i
was
skeptical
of
those
that
said
metoo
would
allow
me
to
heal
.
now
i
understand
the
power
in
naming
things
.)
i
am
grieving
for
losing
my
heart
for
all
these
years
.
i
am
overjoyed
at
the
man
and
the
relationship
that
is
allowing
me
to
reintegrate
my
heart
.
should
i
tell
him
that
?
i
no
longer
want
to
cut_and_run
but
i
still
fear
it
from
others
.
feel_this
do
not
back
away
step_into_fear
trungpa
rinpoche
was
right
.
life
gets
really
damn
juicy
when
you
can
take
your
seat
and
keep
it
.
190222
...
unhinged
i
have
been
sexually assaulted
three
times
. including
the
time
that
i
lost
my
virginity
.
after
that
first
time
,
i
called
a
rape
hotline
and
the
person
on
the
other
end
of
the
phone
told
me
it
was
my
fault
because
i
was
drunk
. (
not
drunk
enough
to
not
remember
the
whole
thing
though
,
the
part
where
i
explicitly
told
that
fuck
that
i
didn't
want
to
have
sex
with
him
that
night
...the
fact
that
i
drank
with
him
negated
my
clearly
stated
words
.)
yes
,
the
WOMAN
on
the
other
end
of
a
rape
hotline
told
me
i
was
at
fault
.
i
became
one
of
those
repeat
statistics
.
in
part
because
i
have
always
had
an
overly
trusting
nature
(
which
for
years
i
have
struggled
to
repress
and
made
myself
miserable
denying
by
becoming
suspicious
instead
).
in
part
because
of
the
way
i
lost
my
virginity
infecting
my
subconscious
with
the
insidious
idea
that
saying
no
didn't
matter
anyways
.
that
my
subconscious
led
me
to
assholes
and
predators
because
i
didn't
have
to
confront
what
happened
to
me
if
i
confirmed
that
i
was
nothing
better
than
a
hole
to
stick
it
in
over
and
over
and
over
.
a
few
years
ago
after
a
questionable
encounter
that
exists
in
the
grey
area
i
believe
exists
between
consent
and
rape
i
decided
to
stop
having
sex
until
i
could
communicate
clearly
what
i
wanted
.
i
was
celibate
for
years
.
i
meditated
on
the
nature
of
my
heart
.
i
meditated
on
the
nature
of
my
trauma
.
i
named
it
what
it
really
was
...trauma.
just
because
i
didn't
get
killed
or
beaten
didn't
mean
that
i
wasn't
abused
.
i
sat
with
the
nature
of
my
heart
in
light
of
those
quiet_realizations
that
have
recently
seismically shifted
the
way
i
relate
to
the
man
i
am
in
a
relationship
with
.
the
infection
is
clearing.
the
wounds
are
finally
healing
.
the
future
seems
less
bleak
.
THAT
is
a
miracle
to
the
person
i
used
to
be
.
190222
...
ergo hum
Thank
you
your
words
do
heal
The
naming
of
names
feeling
the
pain
our
hearts
remain
190223
...
.
.
190302
...
unhinged
lust_hurts
on
red
190302
...
unhinged
i
know
i've
been
stingy
with
my
words
since
we
met
but
i_love_you
190307
...
unhinged
the
day
i
went
to
that
clinic
was
literally
the
worst
and
hardest
day
of
my
life
.
i
went
alone
the
nurse
held
my
hand
the
demerol
did
not
put
me
to
sleep
the
nurse
held
my
hand
shocked
that
i
was
so
wide
awake
the
doctor
a
empathetic
furrow
between
her
eyes
(
what
happened
next
i
still
can't
say
too
much
of
a
violation
too
much
of
a
violence
on
my
body
and
soul
my
body
didn't
want
to
let
go
of
you
my
heart
knew
that
i
had
to
)
but
i
had
to
evict
you
then
before
i
could
change
my
mind
when
i
thought
of
our
future
there
was
only
terror
you
deserved
more
than
terror
the
sacrifice
was
really
just
mine
there
will
always
be
a
hole
in
my
heart
where
you
should
be
190326
what's it to you?
who
go
blather
from
