psyki heard tales of monkeys chopping off
large sections of burnable wood
insect choir serenades the fire
fading crescendo dropping off
polish the ax with molten wax
large sections of burnable wood
insect head goes popping off
and love fills the fiery forest
lancaster you should know
the monkey
he be watching you
and he no like it
filia there's an infinite number of monkeys outside who want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they've worked out." -Douglas Adams 000907
blah are funky 010223
Aimee I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.
I thought this was odd since
they are normally a couple thousand a piece.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home.
I have a big car.
I let one of them drive.
His name was Sigmund.
He was retarded.
In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals.

I laughed.

They punched me in the genitals.

I stopped laughing.

When I got home, I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to
their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died.

No apparent reason.They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.


I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.

It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet.
It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile,
that is, until they began to decompose.

It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee, but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber.

I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two at a time,
so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my
freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my
bed, and The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and
I really had to use the bathroom.

So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys.

I felt better.

I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.

I told him I had a wet one.

He couldn't take it either.

I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution:
I gave them out as Christmas gifts.

My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like
them, but I could tell they were lying.
So I punched them in the genitals.
God, I like monkeys.
god we can all relate. 011117
t you think you know addiction
i'll show you addiction
dB Haven't you always wanted a monkey? 011118
SuicidalAngel Yes! I do! 011118
Adam in tired mode 3 Monkeys Named Bob is an awsome band. Really, I think they are the best ever. Ever! 020204
pralines&cream should be "monkies" but English is weird ...

(sidenote: t, did you create that little phrase yourself? *eyes suspiciously* because that same phrasing with a link to blather was on my AIM info ... of course, i could have read it somewhere else and subconsciously put it on there, thinking i'd made it up myself)
CrAzYpInKmOnKeY damn_pink_elephants 020709
minnesota_chris The world is full of monkeys, hairless apes. Beating their chests, eating and fornicating. 030115
josh robots ninjas monkeys pirates

they are my four favorite things!
Dafremen I love this story. THIS is why Aimee. That's all. 030702
Aimee this is why what daf? It could be the impending heat stroke, or the pregnant brain, but whatever you're talking about just went over my head.... 030703
misstree If anyone can think of any monkey-themed ska songs, toss them under monkey_ska ... a friend is hosting a show on sunday that happens to be, well, a ska show with a monkey theme. imagine that.

ave monkeys, dude!
Sifl and Olly Precious Roy's Hooker Monkeys 030703
niska i love you, Tom. 030704
ferret OMG AIMEE! that was one of the funniest things i have every read! lol, it could just be because i'm tired tho lol. 030704
karl the weed lol, that was funny 030707
Dafremen Again, Aimee...this is why. If you don't get it, well then you must go through life as a non-getting-it-dead-munkey-having individual. Period. But this is still why. 030806
Aimee ummmm okay 030807
somebody Aimee didn't write the story. 030826
Dafremen It does appear to be all over the internet. Ok, I'll bite..who DID write it then? 030826
somebody "[ Unknown, 1/14/2001 ]

I don't know where this 'story' came from (I don't know that you could call it a joke so I put it in the 'Money Shot'). My Dad gave it to me in hard copy about two years ago. I passed it around a little back then. About 50% of folks thought it was hilarious, the other 50%, atrocious. Since then it's been taped to my wall. I finally decided I better post it before it fades away into nothing. It reminds me of something Steve Martin would have wrote in the Cruel Shoes days. Let me know if you've seen it before and where. - JB$"

That dates the story to around 1998 or 1999 that THIS person first heard it.
mon twelve 030826
thisisart ssssssssssssssssssssssssss 031104
Mandijabster monkeys eat bananas 031125
Strideo psymonkeys read your mind

they are reading your mind right now

you can't stop them
p2 why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
it died.

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
it was stapled to the first monkey.

why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
monkey see, monkey do.

why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
peer pressure.

why did the tree fall down?
it thought it was a monkey.

why did the boy fall off his bike?
he was hit by 4 falling monkeys and a tree.
misstree *gasp*
holycrapola! you just made my day, darlin'... this joke is half of how i got me nickname... never heard the last two lines before, though i also added one of "because history repeats itself"... there was another joke series, too, but i'll never tell... gotta keep some identifying feature for the family from back in the day...
JaCkIe What my mother is 040229
I A¡ì¨^q☻☻☻☻☻☻☻¡ý 040229
haha i collect monkeys
not real ones but stuffed
Suck_Monkey it seems,
to me,
that the suck monkey
somebody we all called him muunkey
I never really understood why
you 12 Monkeys 040720
Mister Brightside "And of course that last line, Really really hard to work into a conversation because there just aren't a lot of monkeys in France.

Monkeys - thin on the ground and...well, thin in the air too, ...just generally pretty trim,

so in order to make sure i could use any of that, i had to go to france with a mousa, a cat, a monkey, a chair and a table and wander about heavily wooded areas so that whenever anyone came along, i was like 'Ok everyone, positions, allez, maintenement, posicion..."

helper George is one 130227
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