eddie_izzard dead bird Tea and Cake or Death! Little - Red - Cookbook! --- wake up in the morning death death death quick shower! death death death have lunch.... 000512 ... jennifer "So then god created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam, more jam perhaps, and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh, Belgium. And on the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and light and burma and, uh, and things that go 'uuuuuuu' and, uh Colonel Kahdafi and, uh, and (??) sneakers." 000512 ... birdmad ...death death death. --- an "ACTION drag queen"... --- of course the royal family all look frumpy. That's what happens when you let cousins marry... --- 000512 ... jennifer "uh... an ACTION transvestite see... I am not a drag queen, I am a transvestite... little bit of a crowbar separation there. And I think the drag queens would agree with me there." 000512 ... jennifer Do earwigs make chutney? Do spiders make gravy? ----- Fuck off Phil, I'm the Queen ----- Twang him into a tree! ----- Slotbun Waller ----- Ooh, the hair thieves... they come in the night.... steal your hair they do! ----- If you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on acid! ----- I like my coffee like I like my women. Covered in beeeeees! (different variations of this one) ----- Fiiiive Gooooold Riiings! ----- They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash' ----- Ciao! ----- Control-P-Print! ----- I swam like a boy chased by a sharky sharky 000512 ... birdmad "...and she said something involving the words 'premature' and 'ejaculation'... and i shook my head and said, 'no, ...MATURE ejaculation!... Wise-learned-Man ejaculation!..." 000514 ... executive transvestite "so i was sitting there, eating my beakfast happy as could be...and she asked me 'what are you so happy about?'...and i said 'i've just lost my virginity'...'really,'she said, 'with who?'...and that caught me off guard 'with you' i told her , and she shook her head and laughed and then she said something about the word 'ejaculation' and then she said something about the word 'premature'...and i looked at her all serious and shaking my head 'no, Mature ejaculation...Veteran ejaculation...wise learned man ejaculation'...but that was a long time ago...she's dead now." 001209 ... jennifer no, I'm staying here, I've got stuff to do... I'm not sure what. I've got stuff, I've got to sit around and talk weird for a few years 010112 ... jennifer Stop using taps! ----- I am King Pig from Hell ----- 'I don't know what you're trying to do!' You do, you do! ----- I'm very strange...Ask me why ----- I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less. ----- The curly-toed miracle! ----- Do you want a coffee? ----- Nooo... go away Mrs. Smith until your daughter has a baby... ----- Buy Mr Dog for small Yappy type dogs and maybe they'll shut the fuck up ----- Un cheval, pas du glue. Pas du cheval, beaucoup du glue ----- But Hitler killed people next door.... stupid man. ----- ...Keys.... ----- Hey, he's playing sexytunes! ----- So my choice is 'Or Death?' ----- Il faut conduire l'autobus plus de cinquante kilometres par heure ----- Hod-d-d-d-d-d ----- The school band will now murder 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful' 010112 ... jennifer we go into supermarkets we read the labels, because jam made by nazis is made with dead twigs, bits of mud and spit... no I don't think I'll have that one. This jam was made by goovy people out of fruit that agreed to be in the jam in the first place... volunteer fruit. Free range fruit. 010112 ... silentbob i saw him on politically_incorrect the other night. he had some brilliant witty things to say. it made me think of how i pronounced his name to my exgirlfriend i said Izzard like Lizzard she said izzARD like.... an accent on the ARD she also had a brother who said, "I love Nurv-ANNA, espeically In Utero" she retorted, "Its In ooTARE-oh, thad" i held my tongue with my teeth on that one. 010112 ... HairThief The man is an excellent stand up comic, I've seen him live a few times, all the above quotes are excellent examples if you've seen his videos. They probably don't read very well if you've never heard of him. His film career hasn't had the same sparkle as his comedy career. Definate Article is his best video. "Never lean over on a tuesday, never put your granny in a bag, always treat your neighbour like someone who lives close to you, never put a sock in a toaster, never put jam on a magnet...." 020831 ... vagruntz I like my coffee like I like my women... in a plastic cup. 020917 ... vagruntz “Father, bless me for I have sinned, I – I did an original sin – I – I poked a badger with a spoon.” 020918 ... Zed Without a doubt Eddie Izzard is the greatest perfomer of comedy the world has ever seen. 021110 ... HairThief Eddie Izzard has now gone passed his prime. I agree a few years ago he was a remarkable performer. However he now seems obsessed with religion and world politics and he's really running out of material for tours. Of course, I don't pretend it's an easy job but his original stand up routines about Kev the Darlek, late night petrol stations, growing up with wolves, cats drilling, throwing sticks for dogs etc.. were inspired and tough to beat. Unrepeatable and Definate Article were my personal favorites. Then again what do I know, I'm just 1 consumer out of millions. 030203 ... Alden Eddie is the man. I must have seen "Dress to kill" about a million times. Anybody see him on the tribute to monty Python a few years back where he did that cameo? Good stuff. 030203 ... pipedream who's eddie izzaard anyway? jam with nuts in it is disgusting jam, imposter jam...off with their heads i say! *thwack* eww gross so that's what 'spurt of blood' means... 030306 ... Kristopher "Eh, this is Steve the Dalek; he has two deathrays, he is very dangerous. This is Kev the Dalek; he has two plungers. . . . Kev's not very dangerous, piss off, Kev." 030306 ... Kristopher Ah, Darlek, Dalek, it's all British junk lumped into a robot shape, isn't it? To the BBC. . . 030306 ... HairThief Ok, so maybe I was a little harsh up there. I'm going to see him in December at Manchester and I'm hope after such a long break, he'll have loads of great stuff. His live shows have always been entertaining. Crossed fingers, I'm sure I'll have a great night. 030724 ... Steve ...Sir Dingly Dang 040104 ... jane anyone hear about 'circle'? 040104 ... trixie it's even better in french 040107 ... Kristopher Yes, I have the DVD of Dress To Kill and Circle is on it. Very bizarre, Eddie Izzard all in French. It's funny as hell though, as long as I remember to put on the English subtitles. 040129 ... micky jo so fucking funny i could just cry sexy as hell on the circle DVD the first time i got to share the bed with someone he played Dress to Kill as we fell asleep quoting the lines to each other awesome 040130 ... mous "did I leave the gas on? ...nah, I'm a fucking squirrel." 040303 ... jane no smoking in bars now, and soon: no drinking and no talking 040506 ... jolie laide Cake, please. 040627 ... jane izzard Everyone fucking lies! When we're kids, we lie our heads off! "I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I was dead at the time! I was on the moon...with Steve." And your dad's going, "I haven't even accused you of anything yet!" "Well then what is it? What is it? What? What?" "Did you brush your teeth?" "No! Yes! What's the correct answer? I was dead at the time!" Then when you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass. I've broken this...is that expensive? I broke it...I'll pay for that." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people who have strong personalities." "And I've broke other things! I've smashed that...and that's gone...and I've just thrown the cat out the window." 041017 ... jane izzard Other mass murderers have gotten away with it...Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, well done there. Pol Pot killed 1.7 million Cambodians, died under house arrest, age 72. Well done, indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is because they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Oh, help yourself! You know? We've been trying to kill you for ages! So, if you kill your own people, right on, then. But Hitler killed people next door.... stupid man. After a couple of years, we won't stand for that, will we? Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people, and we can't even deal with that. We think that if someone kills someone, that's murder, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick, that's what they do. 20 people, you go to a hospital and they look at you through a small window forever. And over that, we can't deal with it. You know? If somebody's killed 100 thousand people, we're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100 thousand people?! You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, lunch, death, death, death, afternoon tea, death, death, death, quick shower. 041017 ... jane izzard And we had the Druids- long white robes, long white beards, early transvestities, didn't get their shaving together. And they built Stonehenge, one of the biggest henges in the world! No one's built a henge like that ever since! No one knows what the fuck a henge is. Before Stonehenge there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge, but a big bad wolf came and blew them down and three little piggies were relocated to the projects. But they built Stonehenge, and it's built in an area in the south of England and the area where they built it is very "ahhhhhaaa, ahhhhaaaaahhh oooohahahhhhh". Because that's good, it's a mystical thing built in a mystical area. You don't want to build it in an area that's "yadadadada da boo boo doo dee dee dee". No, you build Trump Tower. Yeah, so they built it there and the stones aree fifty feet high, thirty feet long, twenty feet deep and other measurements as well. And the stones are not from around there, that's the amazing thing. And remember, this is B.C. *mumble mumble*...this is before the B.C.-A.D. changeover. You didn't have to wind your watch back, you had to get a new bloody watch! "Oh, it's A.D. is it, now? Fucking 'ell...." And the Muslim people going, "A.D., who's he?" So, yeah, the stones are from 200 miles away in Wales, so these guys in Wales were carving the rocks out of a mountain... "Fantastic, building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea! It's a marvelous religion, the Druids have got, they've got a lot of white clothing...I like that." So they smash out a huge stone and then they put tree trunks down to roll it along on. "All right, walk it along, here we go, here we go. It's not far, is it?" And the Druids going, "Heave, everyone, heave! Well done, everyone, you're doing very well. You'll love it when you see it, I've seen some of the drawing already, it's very special." After 200 miles, "You fucking bastards! You never told us it was 200 miles! 200 miles in this day and age? I don't even know where I live now! I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!" 041017 ... Eddie Izzard But I’m going to finish up today by talking about my, uhh, ‘bout – about puberty! Because, uh, which is a, kind of, you know, spiky subject. But it – it’s interesting, because, you know, there’s things like these kids started shooting people, which you’ve had in America. Because guns don’t kill people, it’s just, uh, uhh, that certain noise they make. And umm… Uhh, it’s just a bullet ripping through peoples’ bodies. That’s what kills people! Erhhh… Yeah, have guns but don’t allow any ammunition. There! We got it! We got it sorted! And they just go, erhhhhhoh… *thunk*. So, yeah. Umm, but puberty was, well, before puberty, I was – a – at school I didn’t tell kids I was a transvestite cause I thought they might – kill me with sticks. You know?… “Why?” “I don’t know, he said a word we didn’t understand. And he won at Scrabble with it.” So, yes. So, uh, I played – I – I – most transvestites fancy girls. And you can tell people this, “Yes, most transvestites fancy girls.” “Well who told you that?” “A transvestite told me that!” “Probably lives in a cave somewhere.” “No, an *executive* transvestite did! “Oh, really? Wow. Fantastic…” So, yeah. So I played kiss chase with the girls. Tag a girl, she has to kiss you, kinda sexy. But then puberty came! Puberty came and destroyed my confidence, destroyed my everything! Which, I think, is part of the thing that causes these kids to go off and – and – and – and – and do – and commit murder, essentially. Cause it is such a hell of a gear change cause think about it! It’s the one time – cause before puberty, girls and boys are going, “Girls! Ehhhhh!” “Boys! Uhhhuhhh!” Then it gets to puberty and instead they’re going, “Girls! Ohhhhoh – ” or – you know, “Boys, boys,” you know, whatever sexual preference you’re going, but you just start switching on at that series – “Rrrrhhhvvvhvvh”. And you think, “God, I want to get off on some of these people. I better look my best.” And then Mother Nature says, “No will look the worst you’ve ever looked in your life!” *blows raspberry* “Hold on, where did I get all this from? Jesus! It’s – ewhhhuhewhhhuhewhhhuh.” We repulse ourselves! I mean, I used – I used to look at the mirror and go, “Well, I’m not going to shag me, that’s for certain!” Cause that’s what narcissism is all about, is looking in the mirror and going, “God, I’d like to have sex with myself,” you know? You know, it’s all sort of self-attraction thing. And then when – you’re at the – uh, you go – the acne thing, you just go, “Uhhuhhh, no way.” And parents should tell you the facts of puberty! “Look, your hair’s going to go greasy, your face will become a general plague area… Here’s a book on the Black Death, uhmmm… Tufts of hair will grow on your chin, not in a sexy stubble way, but in a continuing plague theme. Down here, I’m not going to even *talk* about that! But here’s a picture of your Uncle Jim… Well, sorry, Sal, I, uh… No, that’s your aunt, sorry, umm… Ah, it’s Queen Victoria.” Umm, yes, so uh, and it’s over months and years, isn’t it. Puberty’s over months and years. It should be *one day*, get the fucker over with. Go into school, “[falsetto] Sorry I’m late, I don’t know why I was late.” By the time you get home, “Right, I’m going home to get a job with a drill.” And that one day at school will be wi – “[falsetto] Sorry I don’t [low voice] know the answer to that question, [falsetto] I don’t [ low voice] ehhuhhhhhhh… [falsetto] ‘Scuse me, can I be excused? [low voice] I seem to have the plague…” And then I had to *chat up* girls and I had never used it – my vocal ability to chat up girls and when your voice is breaking it’s very hard. It’s going, “[low voice] Uhwhine… Susan, I really quite, [falsetto] uh, fancy you! [low voice] I saw you in the [falsetto] plague room!” I had to *chat up* girls and I’d only tagged them before and I didn’t have the verbal power to be able to say, “Susan, I saw you in the classroom today, uh… As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, ‘I fancy you.’ ” But no. At 13, you’re just going, “ ‘ello, Sue. I’ve got legs. Djo like – bread? I’ve got a French loaf. *raspberry* Bye! I love you!” So, it was all not working very well. And uh, and later on, when we become m – more mature – when we become more mature, we have that line, where if you’re getting – if you’re talking to someone, getting on well, you can say that great line, “Djo want a cup of coffee?” And if they go, “Uhhhiiiiiee yeah, ok,” then sex is on, yeah. That’s the unwritten rule. Doesn’t always work. If the president of Burundi says, “Would you like a cup of coffee,” you’re not supposed to go, “Huhrr, I’m in here!” “And how do you take it?” “Anywhere, find it, big boy! Oh, just a cup of coffee, all right… I thought you meant ‘Do you want a cup of *coffee*!’ So you’re from Burundi, are you? Fantastic! Yeah! No, I know, it’s near Zaire, isn’t it? Near Tanzania, yeah. Yeah. No, I learned them all when I had chicken pox. Now I got to go now, cause my, uh, grandmother’s on fire, and uh…” 041017 ... grendel 'Et la singe est sur la branche' that one was hardest...Not a lot of monkeys in France, monkeys thin on the ground and uhh, pretty thin in the air... just generally pretty trim. .... "Je suis le President du Burundi " Burundi? Oui, tres pret a Tanzania, ou Mozambique...no, no, no no...Zaire ...J'ai appris tous quand j'ai eu le pox de poulet, m'excuse que je dois laisser, ma grand-mère est flambe 041220 ... according to St Bastard J'aime le coffe la même manière que j'aime mes femmes, chaud et fort... tres fort.... et tres chaud... avec une cuillère. ahh...la virage de la cuillère, la virage d'un mesange, j'aime apporter la cuillère à ma bouche [Je suis Le President du Burundi...."] 041220 ... HairThief ahhhhh, not seen any eddie in ages, this page was an excellent way to spend the last few minutes. Thanks to everyone that's posted here, I've been chuckling away to myself like a demented fool 050709 what's it to you? who go blather from