wolves nore wolves is one of my favorite places in benicia, along with the cemetery and northgate. oh, and kema's house, of course. there's a painting on the wall, very high up, of a guy making coffee -- sepia-toned. dee dee and i tried to read it; we got part of it, but i can't remember. i took a photo. once i went to wolves with spike. there was a band. that day we found the green light and we ate under it, because her brother and the girls were eating in the restaurant we didn't want to stay in. i burned spike an alice in chains cd, and she gave it to her brother because she'd lost his. we listened to it in the car. i couldn't drive yet, then. 030127 ... nore denise and spike and i went to wolves today. i sat by myself in front of the window. (i need to turn in my application there!) then i went outside. (that guy was there, the man who dresses in woven, striped ponchos and plays guitar and bangs conga drums and just always seems to be there at wolves.) i walked down first street. i told a girl that petals is a good restaurant. (my dad works there.) i watched a lady try to back up into a parallel parking space. (i was going to help her with hand motions, but she got it.) i said hi to a guy who grunted back at me. i found a place by the water. there were two benches. rocks on the beach, so grey. the water was a creamy, pearly silver-white. the sky as well, and the sun shone through the clouds, and after a while i thought, God can paint like this. the sky is really his canvas; the clouds really his medium. what would it be like, to paint in space? three dimensional, using anything you wanted -- clouds, water, trees, earth, sky? i stayed there for a long time. spike and denise had found me -- they meant to sneak up on me but denise had to laugh at the benicia poodle sign. i lay upside-down on the bench and watched them walk around on the face of the earth. i saw the earth as a planet, suspended in space -- not as just everything, not so overwhelmingly surrounding. i saw the horizon, and i saw denise and spike sticking up from the face of the earth as they walked around. the birds flying were actually in space -- not really connected to the earth. the sky was so huge and so round. blue, white, glowing. creamy. painted. i sang "turn from any other love," standing on the benches. then denise and spike came over and spike hugged me and i was happy. i realized that there is a part of me that only jesus knows, and that's a good thing -- that's how it's supposed to be. and that is so special. i don't have to have identity crises or wonder if i matter, because i do. to him. 030212 ... farmfish bravo.nore. 030212 ... jane beautiful 030212 ... nore when we went to wolves, last friday, james came. after wolves, we all sat at the beach for a long time. it's so much better there when all the colors are drowned out by the night. i sat with spike; denise, elba and james came over after a while. spike and i were going to go over to the dock, but she slipped on a mossy rock, and i went to help her and slipped as well, but not as badly. i was really worried about her wrist, but she claimed she was okay. the sky was once again painted a deep, wet black. the stars were so very white and so very far away. i thought about the universe and God and if He's real, how ridiculous our little God-games are. Maybe they aren't ridiculous, but they're so small. and i believe He's real. i always think of the poem "dover beach" when i sit there on the beniciabeach (like humbox) at night. "turbid ebb and flow" -- the waves are so gentle and black there. pantera's "planet caravan" (song) would perfectly match the water. another time, recently, at wolves, i was sitting on the bright-brown, worn leather couch with denise and spike. no, wait, they were sitting there first; i at a table across from them. they were whispering to each other, and when i asked what about, spike leaned toward me and said, quietly, passionately, "that guy over there -- he's beautiful." and i laughed. i felt bad afterwards, but i totally didn't expect her to say that. denise and spike said, "she's making fun of us." i said, "no i'm not!" i looked at the guy, and he looked really interesting. i don't think i can call anyone beautiful, except in a very general way (as in, everyone's beautiful) until i've gotten to know them. the guy had strikingly black hair, shiny, matted to his head. he was sitting alone at a corner table, drawing in black ink in a lined notebook -- cartooning, i think. listening to headphones. he went outside after a while. i wish they could see. 030225 ... nore i went to wolves with rachel a few days ago, and paul, the guy who plays the crazy drums, asked me for a penicular balance, and then asked if i was from canada. i'm not from canada. 030404 ... uow both of my dogs are wolves wolf husky hybrids they are half brothers same father but different mothers one is black the other is silver both have a bit of dog in them, but they are mostly wolfy wolves 040827 ... nom i miss them all the time 060207 ... nom wolf 060402 ... worthless There are two wolves inside each of us. I've been feeding the wrong one. 160306 what's it to you? who go blather from