oldephebe_and_i_just_can't_believe embarrassedoldephebe I just can't believe the incendiary passion and the f**g eloquence of some of these postings- word streams of blood that's screaming and do you really mean that-my god if any woman ever wrote anything so real to me i think i'd probably weep openly..i've written reams of prose and scattered in my pretension, in my my wild striding implacably romantic excesses how do i say right now that some of you all are really brilliant..not just poseurs of exhibitionistic or anything usually after the girl gushes over my pages of here's my heart hoisted high upon the flaming alter of romantic absolutism only then i said it without so many freaking syllables, only then it was real and full of rythym and the imagery every word seemed to softly kiss the gentle cleft of her chin, her alabaster eleganct swan neck and now I can barely roil the waters that feed the human heart..the things i read here and i don't care if i come off sounding sappy or lame or whatever the things i read here these are powerful souls sometimes shrieking sometimes stroking sometimes saying it with an effortless cognition a tongue like the tendrilled flame writing it's score upon the dead heavens i hope you people keep writing and i hope the words keep peeling back the skin of this forever night and so but the child of blight dosen't rhyme just for the sake of a soporific ryhme scheme or word ream or asanine alliterative derivative doggeral drivel you know it's the sound of Being being abraded roiled in it's - f**K it!! why do i get so: I 'm pirruetting on a poets perch please don't push me off until i've had my say. hah i say push me already.. well ... oh my that was a little disconcerting ... a little naked and off putting more incontinence and mispelellings and malapropisms to come.. i took a night, i took all its magic i took all the potentialities and possibilities that i think i'd ever reach and i called this girls love for me back to life with it really no i did it ... once we broke up and it was irretrievably damaged and doomed and there were racial and even money issues all tied up in continuing matriculation and really it was (sigh) a freaking epic soap opera but i took all the magics i knewm i took allthe dead light in me all the things that i would one day unlearn and spurn and even things i might one day learn and kindled it and shaped it and looked into the equisite blue ice of her eyes and made her mad made her pound the fucking wall against my sacrificial storm of rhetoric i looked into my soul and her soul and saw things that i haven't seen since and in some freaking faulkneresque temporal suspension thing i wrote our souls how they should be how they really were out on the paper i took this magic that heaven or god or a choir of muses had set aside and i used it to call a love to come roaring in pain against its reason against every impediment and she came running back to me not because of some physical endowments not because of my looks i tore something out of time and place and scrawled it upon a dozen or so pages of cheap spiral note book paper, i didn't know how to write poetry, i didn't even know how to write until then i was a stinking saxophone and voice major an ephebic out in left field jazz adept who couldn't play classical and i just happend to be able to sing in this placido domingo meets pavrotti type profundo/bel canto 1st tenor voice ... it popped out of no where and where did all those words come from and why am i sharing this here? something essential to my being bled out of me that day that is the day she woke up for real and realized on which side her bread was buttered on and her pragmatic side finall saved her from my from my rhapsodies she severed the cord, she realized on some level that this fantasy fairytale kingdom we'd made was just that. something some inextricable part of my deepest core left with her bled right out of me .. and yeah i know grow the fuck up and move on grow a set yeah i know all that i've asked way too much of you if you're still reading this but iread something tonight on this site that called those dead things in me back to earing life ..i think sometimes a man, a woman can save a soul carrying the cumulative despair of all those months or years or memories whatever it is, you know sometimes a man can save himself if he can see himself and know that there is this unhealing thing this echoe of his first authentic romantic trajedy and know that like Jacob he will limp from it for the rest of his days and maybe he will be a better man a better lover a better human because of it ..this excruciating elucidation brought to you by ... i had wings i flew once and she made magic come out of me ane we were magical and innocent and best friends and share this excriciating intimacy and guess what? we never physically consumated the ah relationship oh it got hot and heavy but we just spent most of our time being intoxicated by one another - a month or so that's it - and i have not beenwhole since - i realize now that there was no way she could return my deification of her humanity, so the things we write .. i have said way too much sometimes we lay for hours laughing and teasing one another in bed hours went by like minutes i have never felt closer to another human being since or felt whole since ... stop f**ing writing this ... i think the memory that i once lived and died in those eternal instants i think thsi word splrurge or blather baloon this word sprawl this dare i say it to myself this pathetic soul sprawl saved me tonight it kind of ... 030702 ... The Spork shamed into a moment of silent ponderanc As the day has shown, I'm not one to dole out praises, but I'm stirred, stunned, and believe it or not nearly speechless at the relentlessness of such raw expression. Whoever you are, Man, Woman, Child... That was freakin' beautiful. No lie. 030702 ... oldephebe hey thanks for thosereally nice things you wrote and i'm not just being falsy humble i tried to post this but i guess not enough bandwidth or maybe its my 56k modem anyway do not edit yourself me i'm talking to me - most people don't get my posts it's not that they are so deep or anything it's just the elusive idiosycrasy of me - i've got nothing witty or pithy just these six degrees of insidness or something - what you said - it was elegant and succinct so unlike my conveluted non-linear style - i was going to say somethings about existential contortions and throw in a little darkly ironic musings mixed in with a little saapiness but i think i achieved all that except for the darkly ironic musings - 030703 ... jane i think it was perfect & also in awe 030703 ... mon what was it you read to stir such !!!!!amazing!!!!!!!? ~peace 030704 ... ashmanzhou i is so but the reason for this is so much more than it is intended to be in the anonimity of the aether you do write so much more than would be so if you were stripped to you bare identity therefore it can be said that there is so much more feeling in this writing than it could ever be said it is the soul of the person they reveal freed of all bonds but entwined anew as their persona becomes them as such there is no reality but there is metaphysicality in this there is so much more than mere babble and so transfixed by us we write our prose or poems or feelings of odes to self and fill them with the rawness of self 030704 ... oldephebe yea it's something like that 030704 ... oldephebe okay addendum to yea its something like that - your word sprawl got beneath it all and helped me try to figure out what i wanted to say as an answer to your and others queries - what i read that ignited that so called searing soliloquy (spl chk?)was swiftly sifted into the ethers but it was something so beautiful by a young women to her lover who wrote her - take for example tonight i read something called the torture garden - and it elicited this: underneath you there is light underneath you there is flight underneath all these tempests there is a sacred singularity and if they make their hearts into anthracitic boils of bitter unyeilding things - theirs is the loss of light of life - out of these existential contortions come creation - take your seed imbue it with fire - i don't know if this is appropriate - but hey man it gets better. I was going to say that but your poserful imagery seared a sentiment and it seems to be still reverberating - so then just say the imagery unwound the sentiment - seems like a lotta souls in pain - and all of these aching breaths - all this excruciating eloquence gushing forth - it gets better - it gets cleaner and simpler even as it gets messier - this is the thought that birthes the deed - this is the thought that weaves the unshakable creed (n not my thought or words just to perceive a possibility - again i try to be succinct and let it be and just say bravo and then (pneumatic exhalation - suddenly i'm all air pushed between pursed lips - have i adequately (sp) conveyed my exasperation? aargh!) Okay so I enjoyed what he wrote in the torture garden - it was jolting and excoriating - excoriating? no it exhumed some things -the blood screams then it brings the bottom up boldly - so show me - hold your children close if you've got them hold your heart close for this sometimes i swing and then i miss keep posting all of you and to the person who wrote about the garden - good stuff and maybe one day i'll be able to just write one line w/o lapsing into some kind of digressive extemporanaeity 030705 ... oldephebe too many typos - i should typed powerful instead of poserful and when i said not my words or thought i meant yes these are my words and thoughts but the thought that shapes the creed or deed thing its part of this protean tapestry we're all weaving - so.. 030705 ... jane your typos show you don't stop to edit which is good, you are expressing freely. 030705 ... endless desire i am ashamed of how many times i had to use my dictionary when reading your entry at the top. i keep it by my desk because i hate not knowing a word and my vocabulary is poor. phebe, i do not often have the patience to read the legnthy entries on blather, though i should. yours was very enjoyable and i hope you stay with blather because you seem quite a lot like a person i would love to stalk and read. your words are enchanting and i only hope that i will have the pleasure of reading more in the future. i am very interested in why/how you chose your name. 030706 ... oldephebe it means the same thing as sophmore - i guess - you peel out of puberties physical awkwardness (some of us i guess) but no wait feeling ephebic is getting old for me - i guess - the name is not really a big deal - in the 9 to 5 world i've got to be this really rigid kind of a person - so i like to come to blather and not feel like my every articlation is sifted through the commissars of conducts unremmiting (sp) vigilance - wow umm oldephebe it means literally i guess to be kind of mature but still free or still kind of insecure or something like that - ah i'm sorry for all the 75 cent words - i come from a family where vocabulary is kind of injested through osmotic induction - so it was either be articulate and be mocked or be silent and still be mocked - boo hyphen hoo - anyway intelligence is not so much the words you use, its like thought process, decision tree heuristic things like that so all my verbiage not really such a big deal - i don't even know what i'm saying half the time - lucid and succinct that's the stuff for me or maybe as jane says these estuaries of unchecked thoughtsprawl are an inextricable part of non-linear me (is that really what she said?) i think i'm interposing a convenient interpolation or maybe its like you said or someone said hot summer night humidity making me dizzy no not dizzy for me i'd say making me careen even more carelessly into congeries of ... see what i mean? hey endlessdesire you write good stuff so thanks for the kind words - and usually i just trail off without the witty ... 030706 ... jane well.. thats exactly what i meant 030707 ... oldephebe endless desire - if you feel like it, while your wending your way through another of my circuitoud wordsprawls just key in dictionary.com 030707 ... oldephebe that's circuitous - not circuitoud 030707 ... endless desire oldephebe. i like this blatherskite a lot already. i don't have a lot of confidence in anything i write, so what you say is just very encouraging. i grin more every time i read your blathes (and not just bc you liked a blathe i wrote) :) 030707 ... oldephebe endless desire - why not? i'm sure that anything that issues out of a resplendant soul is an incontrovertable statement, an argument or assertion of ones being - seal your seed in fire - be immovable on the throne seat of Being look this is an honest exaltation i'm not trying to be saacharine or placating or condescending or anything - dip your quil into your throbbing soul and what issues out will suprise you 030707 ... niska i just... i have nothing to say. this made me cry and smile at the same time. 030709 ... endless desire i would use dictionary.com if that was any faster. unfortunately, i have a very slow computer/connection. 030709 ... endless desire it's good practice anyways. 030709 ... endless desire god, oldephebe, you are an inspiration to us all, in my opinion and not trying to embarrass you in anyway, but your zest and enthusiasm seems to fill these pages. you make me want to jump up and write every inch of my heart. it's a wonderful feeling. 030709 ... oldephebe watch it endless desire your gonna make me all veklemp (okay that was an approximation of a yiddish word that i think means cry like a woman) god endless desire that was beautiful "write every inch of my heart" wow umm i think ... relentless inner critic: finally, a surcease oldephebe:endless desire what you wrote was f***ing beautiful but it said more about your heart than any praise hurled at me 030709 ... oldephebe oh and endless maybe you need more ram and might need to amp up your memory but i'm a complete tech inept so consult User24 or someone about it if you haven't already diagnosed it and i just totally missed what you said ... 030710 ... hehehehehehehehe My blood is screaming. It's saying: "Hey! find something the fuck else to moan about. & Paste the past on the back of your ass and move on!!" 030714 ... niska actually, it has been proven, (so Cosmo says) that wallowing in the self-pity, grieving when the mood strikes and allowing the pain to seep through every pore of your being is the only way to relieve yourself of it. we then instinctively find this tiring, and begin searching for happiness again, beacuse pain isn't fun. torture yourself as long as you must, for this is the only way to move on. after 6 months though, you need to reassess your pain or visit a therapist. pining that long is obsessive = unhealthy. 030714 ... oldephebe to the beknighted blight belching his defecation and who didn't even have the scrotal fortitude to leave his real sobriquet (wow "real sobriquet" look what post-modern non-sequiters the internet age has bequeathed to us) olday so but then i wrote somewhere that i am so irrevocably the center of my universe period. See: the intellectual decay of blather niska (tips vintage phillies baseball ca i agree, but ..these things will forever howl out of my depths - i may sing the roaring wind to sleep for a season but every now and then it will writhe out of its cage and howl - I didn't know Cosmo was such a font of life advise, but being a guy and never having read it.. trying not to appear spiritually barren 030715 ... oldephebe should have typed olephebe: (tips vintage phillies baseball cap to niska) and olday should be okay relentless inner critic: yeah 030715 ... endless desire you confused me with your second comment on the 10th of July. 030719 ... endless desire hmm where you talking about my slow connection? 030719 ... endless desire i am going to assume so. . . 030719 ... odlephebe Umm I'm not sure wich comment but if your talking about the one relating to your internet connection, yeah I was trying to say that maybe if you had more room on your hard drive and more ram you could probably have several websites going at one time for a prolonged session on line so you wouldn't have to keep logging on and off of Dictionary .com - or blather or whatever you were on - if this isn't making any sense then just attribute to my ignorance of computerese - and I was thinking that if you asked user24 (i think he's a programmer or something) then maybe he could advise you on that - speeding up your system through a DSL line and more hard drive space and more ram - this is getting pretty redundant - i hope I'm responding to what you've asked - Oh and your writing is getting more visceral, more gut wrenching - there's such a depth of suffering, of agony - sometimes the words just claw at my heart - prehensile and palpable - like i said - Later 030719 ... oldephebe spelled my psuedonym wrong it's oldephebe not odlephebe 030719 ... oldephebe a v o i c e a n d n o t h i n g m o r e 030722 ... Dafremen ED - www.dictionary.com phebe - I've got some Tang left. Momma sez it's what the astronauts drink. 030722 ... oldephebe Daf - If you want to be real and not waste my time and your with disingenious constructions of rhetorical and cognitive dissonance, then sure let's rap - but the whole Tang thing ah no thanks Tang roils the gastrics acids. From what I've read of some of your Odyssian posts you appear to be a personage of redoubtable intelellectual capacities not to mention all the imperial ire and penchant for really savage and truculently surgical eviscerations - but overall I guess your okay. Not that my opinion of you matters to a person of your retinal scarring self-esteem. So sure we can continue to communicate on blather or drop your e-mail address - but don't play games - I've got no time for them - or play games if you want but I'll just choose not to play along. if your intention is to confound or incite someones ire for the delicious amusement it gives you then I'm probably not going to provide much fodder for your idle mandibular dessication - nor is my style to become engaged in some venomous flamefest. It's just not how I'm constituted - I think there are probably some things I could learn from you, given your staggering and eclectic storehouse of knowledge. Me, I don't take myself too seriously - only when it's time to be at someone's heart and I wouldn't waste my intellectual or emotional reserves here in blather I save that for the adveserial and often ulterior, Machiavellian stratagems I contend with in the real world - but hey like I said we can rap right here on blather - or not suits me fine either way - I've read some of your poetry and I gotta say - not bad - not bad at all. Like I said I just can't get enough of some of the beautiful things you people write - not that I'm some kind of arbiter of good poetry or anything - I find that some of my recent posts have been kind of insubstantial, kind of like aching out of emptiness, or pontificating pure prattle or some such thing - so I'm going to lay off for a while - feed myself with something besides my own myopic, solipsistic ephebic indulgences. And you know what maybe my words only matter to me, maybe they're like bee bee's hurled against a brick wall when i slingshoot them into these many realms of blather - maybe - and that's cool too. Maybe I can learn something by being silent for a while, maybe perhaps even a better writer or bullshitter or listener or human - maybe - Plutarch said something about stripping a nightingale of all it's resplendence (boy i really seem to like that word - i use it way too much) and all that was left was a voice and nothing more - so really i try not to take myself too seriously - so it's time for me to go and build up the treasure of light - time to put my ear to the conk shell of cacophony and sift through it's endless concentric eddies and be fed by what others have to say - too much pointless plackards of pontification on my behalf - maybe you'll consider my meager words, my argument maybe you won't - it's all good either way. be well daf a v oi c e a n d n o t h i n g m o r e 030724 ... Dafremen If this was sabbie we'd be drinking tang by now. She'd prolly bring ritz crackers and a can O' squeezy cheeze too. P.S. My email address is to the left. Just click on my name. Then click on it again when all of the results come up. I always put my email address on my stuff. Now PLEASE come drink some tang with me and I'll push you on the tire swing until sabbie gets here with that squeezy cheese. 030724 ... oldephebe Sure. I said "I think I'll let myself be fed by what others have to say - fill myself up with words other than my own..." Yeah well I have been reading the reams and reams of marginalia in these pages - and I have been reading the anguished out cries of those caught in the spiraling paralaxis of their own mysticism, of real almost insuperable adversity, of unenduarable tedium, of a heart cleaved by death of a loved one, or love or by a parents nurture fashioned into a noose and all those parental impulses an albatross embroidered around a childs neck and shattered clavicle - of all the petty contentions here - some maybe are just a function of age and hormonal oscillations - or the vituperation unleashed when someone doesn't play the part written for them to play - namely being a vassal to someone's inordinate vanity. Most and I mean probably 85% of what i write hear is ironic idle rhetorical dalliance. Or bred of it. Anyway - I've read things here that break my heart, things that compell me to think, take some inventory of the old interior, read the profundity, the prescience the perspicasity and not just from wizened and grizzled veterans of the old internet age - but things obviously by young people 14, 15. 16. 17 years old - such a light - such a pure and undaunted light gushing out of these people - there's a line in an TV show and this character who is scorned and effete and who, you know, killed his best friend - he says "...maybe my bruised heart can by back my soul with these drops of blood" butit wasn't the blood that was needed, it was tears that closed the seal, tears that redeemed him. - I like a lot of the stuff here, I'm stirred, I'm stubbled, I'm stumped I'm shocked, I'm 88 luft balloons of ..pneumatic exhalation...lets abandon that metaphore - today i read a blather about a young woman who confesses to being a prostitute - i applaud her courage and i won't go into my moral and or spiritual reservations and the whole quorum of tsks tsks that will certainly accompany most folks response to that revelation. This is a path she has chosen to pursue - period. No words I say are going to change that - so no judgement here. I don't agree with her choose but I'm not going to judge it. And anyway who cares whether i agree or not - I'm just one hand not clapping - I keep thinking maybe my bruised heart can by back my soul with these drops of blood - but I'm too impoverished - i've got nothing but these few dregs - shallow breaths dying - no promethian flame, no eccliastical choir of AAhs to accompany these cliched existential contortions - niska said it's not good to pine and whine and pine and yeah that's fine - i get that - all I or anyone can do is to say what is in them - to some it may sound like a bi-polar broadcast from the great blue beyond - yeah maybe - I have been dragging this roack around since the age of 12 - and damn you know it's getting pretty heavy it grows with each ear each hour each day another striation another layer - "Father Defalco please forgive me I think I've lost my place in line" that's another one of my maudlin compositions, another sorrowful soliloquy rendered in aolian mode or a minor key from the man made of misery - but really i want to unfold the credence table, I want to be severed from this boulder this albatross of anguish I 've been dragging down through the decades - more than i care to name - despite my ephebic, and ironic verbiage - I ran from the stage, the spotlight, i don't know why now - but it seemd every time i got done singing these women and men you know they wanted a piece of my soul even after the set was over - i didn't want to ride the waves of adulation - the fawning desperate clinging faces of pure want, pure adulation seen young taut lions sheathed in the armor of shadows seen their faces break into smiles into, i don't know this weird contortion of like a smile on a face that was so used to frowning - and i wanted to say i've spent myself up there in the bright lights, and now i just need to be replenished, i don't want my ego buffed and shined to a blinding brilliantine okay? But i just smiled wanly most of the time and wondered why they were making such a big deal - sure some of this sounds - ahh who's reading this anyway so why apologize? But you know now I kind of regret squandering those oppurtunities for ah not really stardom but to pursue a life married to my muse - but you know this is too insubstantial a reed to rest an entire life upon - I wish i could call the dead thunder back to life now, I wish i could summon the muse or the magic but i think i've spent those streams - here's the crux and the critical:? if anyone knows it then hey illuminate this canyon of shadow okay? Tell me. Too far away and lead me to myself as the song goes. Oh God! I'm praying for something outside of me to wrest me from this painstaking plod, this pennance, this mockery i call a life - and me? a malaise - i want to see my soul soar again i want to sing myself into holy spaces of someones heart, and people have written long poems with dirty words and eschewed all orthodoxies and the malaise of mores and they sparked a soul back into being - how does one adequatley articulate tortured ambivalence? I want to be part of the pageant of light again. I only know my being, I am only alive when i sing that is it - and all these concessions or excuses I've given myself for closing the door on the only thing that made me feel alive in this world, well i just don't know..i know all the verses and the curses and the catchechisms and all the coping mechanisms, yeah true that - i know so much shit and so much fucking theories and theology and god!! none of it has permanence for me - and i don't care i don't care i don't f*cking care enough god i'm just too effete and exhausted to exhume all those happy thoughts again - all those life imbuing aphorisms or affirmations the darkness in me consumes the treasure of light i keep building back up in myself - i'm tired of deaths penultimate kiss, dammit give me some permanence this time make it stick!!! You know? obliterate me already. Or redeem me or obligate me to something, god I;m just so tired of dragging this sisyphean rock down though the decades - no metaphysical extrapolations needed or wanted here - i made my own mountain of mysticism - i live through the light i place in anothers eyes - when i vault my soul into them - the fulcrm is the song the muse that makes love with me and the audience - it stirs something magical and there's no drug no romance no experience like it when you know you've inhabited another's being - Steinbeck had a great line about it in the Grapes of Wrath but i don't recall it now. - will the snow ever be clean again? snow on poplars - now unbesmirched - a country meadow - a pristine winter morning - evocations evocations evocations - if i stop typing sometimes i think then i'll turn to mist i think that if i don't put it here or there or anywhere these shallow breaths of the dying dregs of being i think that if i were to stop typing then - god! i want something to infiltrate my dreams! i want it! i want the here comes the happy again or something but nothing stirs these slow dying embers, i think that right now if i stop writing or typing that this may be my last utterance that slowly oh ever so slowly i'll be undone - permeable and diaphanous a mist.. so here goes let's see if it will really happen - god! of course it won't! a sigh a face fixed forever in a sigh - be a man be a man be a man be a man and die to all your quixotic extremes all you ephebic rosy colored dreams be a fucking man and embrace the next 50 years of that slow plod into the grave - but you know that you've done the right thing planned for your chidlren and family and taken care of momma and been the oracular pillar to your sisters and extended family - right? and how do you say with every breath i am dying i want i want to be up there see in heaven already i don't wat to be down here and if i have to stay then i want it to be in the arms of my muse - aah okay so no more phantasmagoric menagerie's no more hallucinatory excursions - but sometimes i yearn sometimes i quietly burn to have just one moment of me - i want to be the white moth to love's obliterating flame - really. One more time, one more time to let it unwind ....me - you know what in a world where people lose their limbs and life to bombs what right do i have to ? okay so just lather on the prophylactic of some protective camaflouge, some hardnosed hard-assed coping armour type thing, self-hypsnosis and fall back on my peiety, fall abck into Gods arms - He'll catch again and then hey nxt week we'll do this maudlin minuet of misery all over again or not peace 030725 ... oldephebe and again i've expurgated all the bile and now i can walk bravely into the day hah! all brisk and business like and stoics creed and anal retentive all the glorious acoutrements of adulthood - all the bile cathartically exanguinated and i saw them shed the armour of shadows, saw a whole lot of stuff up ther on the stage, saw their eyes become wet, saw the spendor of ther beings right there - the purest most incontrovertable argument the sincere expression of someones soul - sure i may not agree with it but i won't argue against it's sincerity and what remains a truth a verity for them - boy you know what? i really like that new album buy STAIN 14 shades of gray or something its called or is it puddle of mud any way it's really good - when i close my eyes i am assailed by phantoms foraging for a life i left behind long ago. - infinite choir of babble kepp sullying these iridescent streams with your being and don't give a damn about somebody's judgement - 'cause you know who can really peirce the insularity of idiosyncracy? not many - so you know be that irrevocable center of your universe - i know i will be for me and you whoever you are be for you and if our lines of force happent to meet up well then that's a moment of sweet serendipity i guess. blather on! solipsistic and ever so idiosyncratic 030725 ... . . 030725 ... oldephebe well this post is to me so ..i don't think anyone has read this lugubrious tear swollen blah blah it seems like every morning i awake to carrion birds pecking at my depleted spiritually carcinogenic flesh - but maybe i wasn't born for death - self to self remember the words driven down deep into template flesh remember the holy words as a man thinketh in his heart so is he - or something like that - what a tired tapestry of death i have made of me - i think really this time i need to take some time and contemplate - be silent for a while - fill up this harrow - there are some intriguing Zen poets i'd like to get into i broke the skin and bled out too many times bled out of this craven night - this black orchid - i read silent bobs posts to the blathe page entitled defeated and it dope slapped me back to what's really at stake here - i still i still i still cannot beleive the insight the intelligence you people have here silent bob, Daf, the stork, endless, jane, niska, ash, fire and roses and so so many others have bequeathed their wisdom, their insight in these pages - sixteen, miniver, ferret, all of you i really enjoy reading - i am praying for an answer - crucible of being thing pretty much a depleted cliche here - i've received some bad news recently and i guess the nature of my recent posts reflect the upheavels in my life - attenuated as it is - so no mercurial or pretentious remedial latin - no referances to greek trajedians or playrights - i've gotta seek out the silence so really i'll still be reading some of the glorious, grandiloquent, and bare bones naked authenticity things that are posted here but - let me place a watch over my mouth - make my mouth a holy shrine - consecrate myself to standing in wisdomes searing rain - fall back on the sword of my ambition - i almost impaled my sacred faith on the pike of self- pity see you in a few oh and daf be well - you are a person of almost omniscient capacities - fathomless and variegated knowledge bases - play on - my meager storehouse has been depleted - so really now i've embarrassed myself enough - later and uh ..later later 030725 ... Dafremen I thought you were very eloquent and hung on your every words. Sorry I thought you were a girl. You need to talk to your Mother about how she's been dressing you. She really wanted a little princess huh do0d? Oh..and nice bike. Wanna go for an adventure ride? Ferret's building a tree fort in the pasture behind his house. 030726 ... oldephebe hey daf nice try and yeah right... 030805 ... oldephebe hey daf - yeah right and ah nice try hah! 030805 ... oldephebe today i read some glorious soul streams from mistree, jane, not important, fire and roses, pipedream and where the hell is endless desire? i miss her open heart agony - really. oh let me resume phil, user24, theTruth, sixteen, miniver, of course ash, so lyrical once you get past the idiosyncratic syntax, um did i say jane? yeah there are others but you know me being all circuitouse and everything my short term memory is shot - and hey its not from alcholhol or some other spiritual palliative or angst ameliorative - i'm just a little ADS just a smidgeon so... today i felt just invigorated and challenged by some of the things i read here. i thought my scrawl upon the wall was something until i got here - and now i'll just go placidly along temporarily sated later - wait i forgot one - daf later 030805 ... Teenage Jesus "retinal scarring self-esteem" May I use that? Fantastic! 030806 ... oldephebe well my heart wants to say yes and my hydroencephalic ego wants to say no so let's just splint the difference and just say i have no control over whether or not someone chooses to appropriate my words (though sometimes i wonder why would they want to slough through my inextricable morass of the maudlin and melancholy) i mean language is protean, alive always morphing, so hey do your thing man later and ah peace 030806 ... oldephebe forgot to thank you for your kind words so thanks TJ geez i hope you didn't read the whole thing 030806 ... Teenage Jesus I'm afraid so... ; ) I enjoyed reading all of it actually. The lack of punctuation is off-putting; but not so much so that I coudn't make it through. Great words; very nice. I do hope that things are looking up. Well how about it? A line or two for happiness? Maybe I'll tell you something funny... 030806 ... oldephebe well the thing with the whole overt absence of grammatical observance is ah i try to bequeath to my blathes and pretty much all my writing outside of work and business the same narrative flow or syntactic integrity as it issues forth in diarhetic streams - i'm not some rogue linguist in the vein of Keruac or anything or even close to his verbosity, genious that he was. but ah it's a release for me and ah i feel free and unfettered when i don't pause to fasten on the grammatical bridle - or pause to edit, i just kind of let it all ungrcefully sprawl out there - so really i gotta commend you for rowing through the river of rococco rhetoric one word of happiness? hmm if i feel it i write it. maybe i'm being obtuse hmm time to galvanize those temporal lobes. 030806 ... Teenage Jesus I yeild to your style and wisdom. And I look forward to further perusal of your material. Funny: when my brother and I were small children in the early 1970s, we had a frog named Whitefingers Clepto. 030806 ... Teenage Jesus yield - shit 030806 ... jane speaking of using stuff you wrote i'm sorry i didn't ask you i copied down something you said "i saw my innocence die a thousand times" sorry thanks 030806 ... oldephebe you know, i really don't want anyone to yield to my "wisdom" or scatterbrained style, praise or insults don't mean too much to me, i only hope that maybe some thread some word will reach somebodies heart, that's all. all of my questing perambulations are really as misstree eloquently said just a process of shearing all the chaff away, to glean some clarity from the misted mirror, but i don't think we should yield our sovreignity to anyone or anything, we must all be the center of our respective universes, i'm going to try and catch up on some of your posts and start digging what you have to say - and i think that if anyone connects to these meager misbegotten words, then it says more about your or their hearts instead of any praise hurled at me - really i mean that - if we look for ourselves in anothers eyes than we begin the slow winnowing away of ourselves, put yourself on the throne man, if we say here i have burned my self in effigy and ashes upon the alter of someones absolutist expectations then we herald, we become the architects of our ultimate obliteration. - we run careening towards our doom. god I didn't mean to get into that thread, not here not now anyway but ah now I'll just awkwardly truncate this already too long tangant uh later and ah peace oh that was pretty cool name for a frog heh heh just a voice and nothing more 030806 ... Dafremen If the phebe-ster won't have you, you're more than welcome yield to MY wisdom. (I'd recommend that you do. It's kinda like a runaway Ford Focus, not much mass behind it, but you still wouldn't want to pull out in front of it. : ) ) 030806 ... oldephebe *Jane* a qurum of tsks amassed - ah forget it hey jane it's cool um I'm going to pare down and edit a lot of the stuff I've posted here and ad it to this pile of poetry and prose i've been trying to get published so you know copy a phrase here and there (geez why would you? your stuff is pretty good.) but ah you know from what I've gleaned from your sincere self projection, you seem to be a pretty decent person. So hey, just apply the golden rule. God did that sound like an injunction? hope not. why am i going on so long about this? hmm and ah hmm. Hey jane, I like the things you share as well. Hey I read that essay by Phillip K Dick as well thanx for the heads up it was thoroughly turgid and didactic - no just joking it was revelatory, it's evocations are still reverberating in the old cognitive cathedral, or hovel, whatever. And ah for TJ things are not neccesarily looking up circumstantially, but my perception of what is going down has under gone a radical renovation - so ah thanx for asking - later 030806 ... jane let me know if you get published maybe you can hook me up i'm only half joking 030806 ... Teenage Jesus Just for clarification: what I meant was, I yield to you with regard to your choice to avoid punctuation. That's all. I simply meant that you know best on what and how YOU should write. I do on the other hand yield to you Daf! 1. It's much easier to do so, and after all, that is the subgenius way. 2. I need that dogboot stock to actually pay a dividend some day. 3. And lastly, you've been a huge help to me in the past; and well, my granny told me to dance with the girl what brung me...uh- I guess it looks like I brought a doOd to this dance. 030807 ... Dafremen And don't think I don't appreciate it TJ. They have amazing hors'deuvres at these things. But can we find a seat? These pumps are kicking my ass. (Oh and try to look up my dress and we're throwing down. Bare knuckles, do0d.) P.S. I'm going to try to call you today bro. 030807 ... misstree *cocks an eyebrow* TJ, you're a Subgenius? 030807 ... Teenage Jesus Why yes I am. You? For those who don't know, it's a lot like Taoism, but much funnier (and Taoism is already high on the humor, and humor appreciation scale.) 030807 ... naughty misstree babbles away her work day tj, i've heard discordianism described that way too... lots of similarities, and subtle but important differences... there's a reason why "bob got a church/and eris got a cult"... mayhaps I'll spend a bit of time and write down a comparative piece, from what I know... mayhap tomorrow... expect something to be shat out of my brain soon, though. :) something or other poked a thought into my brain that i thought was interesting enough to share (for once ;)... i totally stand by my comment that by releasing a torrent you are able to cut to the quick, but another post reminded me of another way of getting to that shimmering nougaty center; one of the characteristics i see in most good writing, is the ability to express a complex concept in a sparing way... a well-placed metaphor or two can bring things across from subconscious to consious, and the most striking examples of this are often found in the shortest works, because there's less regular conscious to get in the way of the meat and marrow, more direct hits to archetypes and symbols. i'll hunt for an example after posting. i was then struck by the difference between the glorious swirling torrents that carry your Art (see quote_of_the_day) and the brash little shining mice that are another type of vehicle, how opposite they are in appearance but how similar in nature. i was tickled. thought maybe you would be too. :) 030807 ... misstree sorry, that second bit was adressed to oldephebe, forgot to specify. 030807 ... oldephebe *archetypes and symbols* *misstree* Will you be my tutor to the muse? just kidding. The more I read of your posts, it just reveals more and more of the astonishing depth and breadth of your cognitive and intuitive reach. Blathe oracle Misstree. What you said was right on point. It singularly impaled me to the stone of the moment. And ah hey! I'm really rigorously trying to affect an approximation of a stoic projection so I'm too occupied with my pretension to be tickled. Do I have to say not really? Mistree I'm going to take your advise, illumination and really try to access that when I grope, yes grope at metaphores. I've been getting into some of the things you write and I gotta say *hand clutching heart* you've got depths barely unfurled. I am impressed. Oh and TJ thank you for your clarity - it's something I aspire to. And ah the redoubtable Daf not a bad choice to chain your cart to. I learn as I chafe every time I read one of his not deconstructionist or mischevious riposts More to come on the subject of tutledge, and the perambulationg and indefagitable quest for knowledge thanx mistree! later Wait. I didn't quite get the whole sparkling rodent allusion. obtuse oldephebe later 030807 ... misstree Um, a good example of the sparkling rodents would be most haiku... though i think of haiku more as soothing than sparkling, a place rather than a vehicle, it has a similar mode of expressing much in little. My pottery book is out in the car, so examples of meeses will have to wait until tomorrow... there's one i can almost remember, by Raymond Chandler, something about a wedge of sunlight... bah! And ya shouldn't go around complimenting me like that; it'll give me the impression that i'm not just interjecting on top of everyone's ideas and getting in the way of their thought processes. ;) Aw, shucks, the truth is I just really don't know how to take a compliment. I see the flaws in my works, the tendency to ramble and, especially recently, dodging the really emotional soulmeat... for the most part, at least. But whenever I can help broaden any brain's playground, my heart is filled with blood. Right down to the cockles. And you're right, Daf is a good wagon to hitch a ride on, but with that persuasive bastich especially you have to remember to take everything with a grain of salt, then dump your own special brand of salt on it and see what it tastes like. His mountain is not my mountain is not your mountain. Lazy brains lead to churches, desperate brains lead to cults. And I totally understand about groping for metaphors... I usually feel like I'm trying to explain to someone what a martian sunset is like, and dissolve into things more easily grasped. Years of tolerance of this dissolving things to archetypal elements by those around me has made it damn near my native language. Again, though, remember that metaphor can be misleading... it helps slide in concepts that should be caught by the Bullshit Detectors, and is sometimes used for Great Eeee-vil. Okay, my brain is really really tired. I'm going to go do real work on my overtime. Don't take any wooden nickles. 030807 ... oldephebe *misstree* simply brilliant 030807 ... Teenage Jesus Despite all of the ocassional sturm und drang, Daf is one empathetic ring tailed tooter. WARNING: METAPHOR AHEAD He's more like a well than a wagon. I couldn't resist. On tutors and such: Demonstrating value quickly is very important. Sometimes (probably more often than not) you don't need a tutor. Right or wrong, Beethoven gave no props to Haydn. In spite of his elevated status in the conventional world of classical music, the karmic debt appears to me to have been hefty. Not unjustly so, per se- hell, that was between him and shiva- `eh? 030808 ... Dafremen "His mountain is not my mountain is not your mountain. Lazy brains lead to churches, desperate brains lead to cults." I like that. My favorite folks around this place aren't the ones who believe everything I say. They are the ones who read first, discard the rubbish, then CONSIDER what I had to say, keeping what fits, discarding what doesn't or storing thoughts away for further consideration at a later date. I had an instructor once named Mr. Lansford. He had an absolutely charming way of teaching people to pay attention and THINK. He would be rolling along and purposely inject huge and absurdly blatant errors into his lectures then at the end ask if anyone had any questions. If noone caught his gobbledy-gook, he'd start the lecture over again. When we first started, I would get dirty looks from the rest of the class because I would catch him again and again. He would smile a little smile each time and I quickly became one of his favorite students.(He told me so 3 quarters later just before he retired.) By the end of that quarter, the entire class was paying attention, dissecting his words, exploring their meaning and LEARNING. Mr.Lansford, it seems, had found an antidote for apathy and lazy minds. Unfortunately, out here in the regular world, without a GPA to protect, folks are little motivated to look and THINK. Those of you who take the time well, just so you know: I smile a little smile each time that you do. 030808 ... oldephebe metaphore metaphore what the hell am I here for? TJ I think Beethovans myriad prodigies of compisition, pedagogy, and technical facility kind of rendered him beholden to no one. Not to mention he was a fairly good pooper of the prose as well. point taken though. Please no more discussions about Beethoven because given my rambling non-linear mind I may start dredging up soporific reams of minutia and esoterica about him and the harmonic and poetic and stylistic juxtapositions encased in one majestic breath (Beethovens not mine, I write kindergarten rhymes, melodies comparatively speaking) Hayden though his seminal oratorios are ..rapturous. Beethoven and his purple infinities - and such an implacable will! His stylistic, structural, orchestral innovations are still being unwound, by each new generation so Beethoven to me pretty much in a class by himself Daf - like what you posted on dare_to _be_dadaist - have to say my remedial knowlege of dadaism (but not neccessarily the intuitive,and cognitive apprehension thereof) is equivalent to a pod without it's pea, that is a formal, academic knowledge - dada is so primeval, so part of the questing, restive, evolutionary cognitive and psychological process that given some of my anti-confluential exploits (some pretty foolish) in the tempestuous vagaries of youth, I'm sure it's informed a lot of my ephebic forays into the fray. No I will not elaborate, too embarrassing. Oh and yeah you gotta be you and I gotta be me and everybody else must adhere to their own solipsistic score - So I think there's room in this vast choir of babble for everyone blah - I so hate sounding aphoristic ugh! You all have given me some tasty nuggets to ruminate upon. Where's that spitoon? No really we're all peacocks spreading our panoplies so I think that any injunction to subscribe to any kind of absolutist paradigm is inherently tyrannical, of course and 1+1=2. Yes I'm not being oracular, but I'm just saying (yes?) aren't we all kind of like chimeras of chaos, caprice and creation? To become the vassal to someones vanity or autocrasy or insert whatever you wish when we subsume that sacred seething seed of singularity to anything or anyone we inaugerate our eventual enslavement to mysticism, we run careening toward our obliteration. Misstree I'm digging what you scrawl upon the wall - really. I still need to explore the tutor teachor dynamic - just something I'm curious about - it doesn't mean I'm searching for a intellectual mentor, or that I want to sit in the sand at the sages feet or anything. I just want to peruse the scrolls of time and examine a few of the more epoch shaping collaborations. later 030808 ... Teenage Jesus Beethoven was a student of Haydn, and a bad one who didn't take instruction well. It was this that I was referring to. I was pointing to their relationship as tutor/student. Yeah- I agree; Beethoven has a rightful place in the panthoen of classical music, and is easily argued as Haydn's superior. In fact it would be difficult (for me anyway) to argue the opposite. Now I shall read the rest of your post... 030808 ... oldephebe cool 030808 ... Teenage Jesus pantheon - dammit 030808 ... Dafremen Some of life's most valuable lessons are taught not by the master, but by his pupil. 030808 ... oldephebe true that 030810 ... stork daddy them's awfully big words for such a little lady 030810 ... oldephebe hardy har har!! 030810 ... oldephebe This has been an interesting week thus far in blather - got the whole gamut here. For me certain paths of contention have just plain petered out. So many rays of light here. Today I read some of Jane's rant - More of Dafs always inimitable perspicasity, eyedreams page, and several others what's an apt metaphore to convey the imgae of sitting down to a banquet table and never getting full, and yet not wanting to leave wanting to sample every delicious variety? A Hero of mine, Gregory Hines, passed away recently - to me the world is a lesser place when a talent like that is taken out of the world that's it I'll check in tommorow ... 030812 ... oldephebe I want to thank pipedream for introducing me to the truculent wordsmith/genious of sylvia plath 'nuff said 030817 ... jezabel i am stealing your shoulder to cry on. i would normally avoid such omdiscreion, but, the russian has just left and left me unfulfilled. i have a twop week rule... if i write a poem to soemeone, i have to give it to them within two weeks... i so wanted to give him his, mostly under seduction, tonight. but we talked until he late hours. and it was good. 'phebe, i must confess, though i am a sexual creature and a bitch to boot, i am a softite at heart, and i am willing to wait to tase his accented kiss. fuck this. this sucks. i need a nipple to sustain me, somethign, *anything* i can sink my teeth into* okay, i'm done eith your shoulder, you can have it back. 030817 ... oldephebe "..and i am willing to wait to kiss his accented kiss.." now that is an intimate yet eloquent and elegant image - yes sometimes the promise of what is to come is the most powerfully erotic ah devise - conjuring the erotic potentialities provides a lot of cud for the old imagination to endlessly masticate upon.. I was wondering where that wet blotch on my jammies came from - I usually don't drool that heavily in my sleep :o) like i said you have got serious game if I may use the the gritty patois of th asphalt playground er ah testing ground - look forward to reading more of your writing - you, you got a gift, oh yes you dooo..:o) later 030817 ... oldephebe tempests and tirades will rage on and on and on - who lights the wick, who whets the promethian flame? dunno I'm reminded of something in the Oddysey, (sp) um something one of the platonic/socratic progeny wrote regarding bridling the independant or intemperate tongue, reared against its betters, Homer hero that he was, spoke out of a darkened tyrannical heart that day..I'll have to try and drege that up, this is an immense choir - is anyones voice or theory infallible, insulated against the usurpations of diffrently enabled articulations of divergent orientations? of course not -i gotta say though I read some poetry tonight on blather that whispered bedlam into my reserved little heart - jezebel, my god! she is an innate thunderer - ash, and misstree, endless is back, umm mayahanna, pipedream, silent bob, the larder table is groaning under so much celestial whieght iit's ah gettin' late so perhaps i'll resume the whole Homeric/socratic/oddysian/polis/monarchy/tyranny/dissident thread at another time -oh and be well Daf and 7q i really enjoyed what you had to share We need the voice of dissidence, the tongue that rails against tyrannies cage, the dissident tongue is the primordial torch of freedom, equality, enlightenment - it is late - shut it down man geez! later ... 030820 ... oldephebe darn this insomnia!! this is just a heads up to anyone who gives arotten little rodents derrier - spurred on by the seeming convergance of three separate and yet related, and no i will not codify or expound right now for the strict constructuralists (is that even a word? um okay the tripartite building, components, relationships thingy not now to late, but i am intrigued by some of the arguments several blathes spawned, i'd like to on a very remedial level 'cause i'm no theologian or philosopher or social theorist, but ah i'd like to explore these estuaries further and i am being intentionally vague -because right now my mind is a mish mosh omigosh OK? i'd like to discuss a few things rationally, with equanimity, sans all the theatrical vituperation - agh - soooo does anyone feel me? is that phrase still ah being used? ( hmm must consult sterilized suburban jargon book that attempts to approximate authentic street patois, but without all the messy concommitant litany of well you know..) In 1997 a great teacher died, probably one of if not the most eloquent and formidable architects and speaker/teacher of what we so called modernists construe as liberalism -bah! there I said it - his acolytes are legion, they have helped to shaped some of the finest minds in law, in the academy, on the bench -blah blah - not the apostacy that is called new-liberalism, and not some limp wristed apology for those who don't like to compete either - ah I'll ge back to this on a different blathe page later 030821 ... Dafremen I feel you phebe. What would you like to chew the fat about? 030821 ... oldephebe "Oh! ah Hey Daf er you caught me off guard here" *quickly rinses off vermillion encrusted battle mace, and quickly sheaths three foot serrated sword back in it's hilt "Damn this brain matter, these kinds of stains never come out!!" grins sheepishly and dons burlap cossack over battle armour and feigns a benign placid smile* "Er Hi Daf I was just out for a morning constitutional, with our friend 4f, I mean q6 or whatever, um if he doesn't show up for evening vespers I didn't do it "- heheheheheh "umm yeah just a little cathartic jocularity at no ones expense ah I haven't quite worked it out, would you like a glass of wine? it's so germane to any discussion of unconventional dialectics umm no wait I didn't say that right," *thumbs frantically through 7th grade primer on myths and magic 101..* alright enough, that t squared is A OK in my book - yeah so Daf I haven't got it worked out yet, um kind non-linear and erratic here but some of Isaiah Berlins writings on democratic discourse - ah liberalism in the time of blackest tyranny, I ah haven't read a lot of his stuff but our friends' misguided vituperations, as well as your comments under virgo and the whole bible thing and a few things misstree etched got me to scratchin' I'm trying to find on line an essay of his against totalitarianism in any context, a really balanced, eloquent and yet formidable treatise, no facile appeals to myth or metaphore, or atavistic symbols, just implacable and reasoned cogitation - a beautiful symetry that strode as easily through the Talmud, as well as philosophical tombs that I cannot recall (I think he even incorporates a little poetry as well hmm)- so in bits and pieces I'll try and get it together - again nicely done later 030821 ... oldephebe Peitho's calling I forgot to clean up after the night of wanton revelry, and ah the wine was a little rancid as well, I better go before she makes me eat these baby pineapples glazed in a gold facsimili of something really viscuous and werd smelling, ugh, braized or glazed or something ((shudder)) 030821 ... oldephebe finally i think the whole thing about the blah blah's bible best blah is finally out of it's flatulent wind, sorry guys, but we sure as hell churned out just clouds and clouds of methan on that one, or at least I did, Look, Bible, shmible, if you believe in it read it, if you don't, DON'T - 'nuff said - it's kinda good that no one really clicks on here too mcuh these days, feels more private, kinda like - okay 7q - he is an extremely bright individual who happens to hold some opinions that differ from my own - Daf - continues to unfold just sheath after sheath of assimilation and yet shows an intuitive grasp and an openess or willingless to mix and mingle the ideologies a bit, and broaden the sphere of understanding, - jezebel..well..she is a baad mamajama - what else can I say - mistree like daf continues to reveal more astonishing layers of depth and experience, unhinged - passionate, poetic she really got to me today - kind of almost teared up i am such a fop, well no but still, pipedream, wow she has one of the most beautiful lyric poetic voices I've encountered, it's extemporaneous, she's brilliant! and really eclectic - ran into endless again, was kind of missing her unique beauty and passionate prose - birdmad - now this cat swings - Edream until today I hadn't read much of her stuff, very descriptive, polished, writes like a pro and holds the readers attention w/o saying see look at me look at how brilliant I am! easy breezy, crimson - skills serious skills, ferret - beneath all the whimsy there's a real gem being etched into clarity - Fire and Roses, of course the inimitable Mayahana and ash, well they know who they are cause i get so excited reading thier stuff i can't keep in the exuberance!! sabie! yes wanted to extend my props to her as well - got to get some sleep - oh and i will remember sfl tonight in my prayers, umm his words really got to me as well as unhinged insight and mistrees perspective as well - i pray "he" is well, or getting to begin to feel like he may start to feel better soon - yeah pain like everything else is a process some facile all encapsulating label imbued with ooh magical clarity but still it's true - sometimes I feel like weeping, when i read or wade into these enrapturing soul streams, the words, so powerful, the heart that wrote them so swelled with passion, anguish, ecstacy - I usually get these strange looks from poeple when I wax poetic - even some most of my family members don't get it-poetry is the language of the soul - i can't play games with it i only know how to be to be to be in those enraptured moments - all my life i have been looking for a language, a bruah to paint myself before the world, a way of communicating that didn't feel like you were f*****g swimming in amber all the time!! I wish all hearts could be tender, i wish all hearts could be true, not going to happen - madness and evil cruelty run amok in this world and I sit here pining about poetry, but do you understand that to me - that core, that truth is what can save us, yep here i am grown man, with kids, talking like a 14 year old girl i don't care our music, our hearts are what will redeem humanity - yea not mine but if you can reach a snarling heart with its' light, if enlightenment can penetrate decades and decades and disparate, what the hell it is the universal language - we will never have world peace sure but my god the horror that goes on just the next road or town over or next house, i wish men and women and children and young people had the guts to be vulnerable - and say Here!! there it is this is me!! here is my argument! when you do or say this it negates me - oh , oh, i'm just know that if a heart can be swollen with the music of a glorious poem, that heart could not then turn act slash out of cruelty - this is what i believe, naive sure and yet all the music in me will dry up, this is me, 7q wanted to know what wisdoms searing rain felt like, don't know what it will feel like to him, don't know how life has shaped him don't know how he's constituted, only know that if my heart stops hoping and feeling so damned acutely, then it all dries up and dies, i live by my dreams, my art my music, the world of acquisition is a reality - go get your bread so you can eat and feed your family prepare a comfortable life, yes - but I have never, never wanted things, never got too upset about not having things,growing up in alarge family, never wanted girfriends to buy me things, or wives or sisters or parents or buddies, God!! things don't touch me, after so amny years I have found the thing that touches me and it and it grabs the Dark by it's obdurate neck and pushes it right out for a while at least - i am transfigured by it damnit!! why can't or won't people just let themselves feel, feel, feel something real just a little at first - nothing touches me deeper than this music - to me the piano, saxophone my ephebic tenor voice, the words its all knit together in this glorious orchestral, sonic spiritual mosaic, i hear it all in here in my heart - i think i shared a little bit too much tonight - can't take it back, won't do it - 'cause a persons truth no matter how awkward or ungainly it is like Gods glory to me - they looked upon His face and they were radiant and I am radian every time I look upon each of your souls here, or if I'm lucky enough to meet those earth spirits, when it goes down that's cool, when it ends well that's cool too every thing runs its course and has its own rhythym - they looked upon hsi face and they were radiant - yeah that is what i'm trying to convey - with my pretention and pleonasms and all that prattle, exuberant prattle and every word i shape in my mouth in my cathedral is true is real - every word i lift up in tribute to someones soul stream is me is me is real is me - maybe I'll get a reprieve and no one will stumble upon this and i can start a new blathepage and be all egg headed or less open than i am now -..sounds like a plan 030822 ... oldephebe ok just need to clarify an awkward line - i said something like "and if I do happen to meet an earth spirit or one of them..." I was not talking about meeting someone from on line or anything - all of the poets I've ever met have been through this weird little protracted dance of serendipity and aligning forces or rythyms - all except for the person who first inspired this entire page - i guess it is to her that i owe my poetic soul to, even though it would takes quite some time for me to meet another i felt so nearly joined with - yeah gals in between, wife, yeah divorce, gal pals, friends who you happen to fool around with and all that but this other soul poured herself into my world years later and it was almost as glorious, this second girl was the poet, i think thier birthdays were maybe what 10 days apart - both has some seriously similar ah quirks, good and exasperating, i'm just beginning to see that now, hmm gotta thank Daf for his astrology posts - goodnight blather 030822 ... Fire&Roses These are beautiful... Thank You. 030822 ... oldephebe Fire and Roses - Unbelievable - You actually trudged through all of that? i was ah just trying to flush some dirty water down the commode - i think i should thank you - but ah your welcome i've got some imitation crab meat to get back to - sans the mayo later 030822 ... unhinged oh blah anything i would want to say right now sounds like i'm blowing something up your ass... it is nice to come back to blather and find the likes of you and eyedream here it makes me happy. very much so. my old blue is back. 030822 ... Dafremen See phebe? And just so you know...she's never said ANYTHING like that to me. In fact, if memory swerves me right, I was more of an acquired taste around here, like liver and onions...or b00gers(Po0p?) Anyhow, I'm pretty glad you showed up too, man. It's always a pleasure reading your ramblings and musings. I'll miss you all alot, to tell the truth. Oh well, there's work to be done...no getting around it. 030822 ... oldephebe unhinged - whatever is spoken sincerely counts a lot with me so - thank you so very much - no way you read thru this entire thing, if you did then, WOW and geez, and um i think eyedreams stuff is awesome as well - and now the muddled sky awaits ... or geez something apropo to walking out into a dreary dawn, ...brahms huh? yeah i get that Daf - hope that you will check in from time to time, oh blathe oracle praise coming from poeple such as you and unhinged means a lot, i'm touched deeply touched by unhinged posts and I feel like I'm sitting in on a lecture or something when I read one of your posts, but its like the really intriguing kind of lecture so.. there ya go..and here i go yeah knd of groggy this morning so the writing is well.. all grogified i'm off to go and tell unhinged how awesome i think brahms is, he is though you know? brahms equals virtuosic compositional melding of diachotomous themes/elements blibber! later 030823 ... Dafremen Yea...well he's no freddy_fender, but brahms'll do in a pinch. 030823 ... once again I think I like the way you talk/write I wonder if you talk like that for real 030823 ... unhinged yeah, i think the closest i ever got to praise for daf was: tact and i definitely fought with and despised him for awhile: suicide but you know i love ya daf...sheesh. i showed my mom the violin and it made her cry. hehehe. oldephebe see: brahms 030823 ... Dafremen Gregory Hines is DEAD!?! 030823 ... oldephebe Oh I'm sorry once again I didn't anser your question - umm yeah this is the way i really wrie and talk, um but it's only with people that i know who'll get it and not hoist their eyebrows in petty ire or something - but yeah - sometimes i don't like the way i speak but - this is the way the universe has created me so i might as well get used to me, blibber be - okay see? totally nonsensical - out of the key of rality - thanx once again! oh please read nommes' pine needle ashes evocative - melancoly - rustic - beautiful!!! read pine needle ash!!! later, 030823 ... oldephebe out of the key of orality geez! ... 030823 ... Dafremen Just can't bring yourself to make the switch to number deux can ya? This is the site of your blather hug. There will be others and may already have been. But I got to see and be involved in this one. That makes it a special blather for me too. : ) 030823 ... Dafremen Why do you think I'm putting up with this 10 minute download time?! (Course I should talk. REad claptrap some time or hell... meet_roger_dafremen sheesh 030823 ... oldephebe ash - I just realized that was YOU who wrote as if she were peering inside my arrow riddled heart..I forgot to thank you and commend you for your searing clarity..I hope your wounds are healing..and misstree's right that scar tissue growing over the wound is much tougher..i'm overwhelmed by the things you share..you have a divine flame..a mind kissed by whatever all loving Deity you choose to observe..but even your innovative inverses of olde english norse speak cannot blunt the scythes edge..you belch infernos into these sometimes staid streams..who here is immaculate..who here hasn't pirroueted on the promonitory daring life to leap out of them..wanting it the Dark the cessation of all this..death in life..wanting it to take them like a lover..who among us can say they haven't done their dirty dance with desolation..eh? you know how i feel about your writing, i've commented upon it several times..i've even intruded into your fire words shimmering in the Dark with my polysyllabic pedantry..and almost put you to sleep, or aroused your ire..please do not take this luminesence and hold it back from the world..please do not mar any further what is so sacred..so cherished..i wish i had the breath to breath into you, or anyone whose soul is a waking writhing furnace..there are diamomds in you waiting to be shaped, waiting to be let out..and again please forgive my presumption..again it's ..just.. ... oh never never mind..i got a little emotional is all.. .. 030922 ... pipedream im so glad you haven't made your shell so hard...i tried to tell you but it wouldn't go through, but im so terribly glad your sparkles are strong enough to kick your butt and live their own shiny lives :) 030923 ... Dafremen Been waiting for that email phebe..then I realized that, being Cancerian, and Cancer being the sign of PRIVACY (Dontcha just hate it when folks show up at yer house unannounced...daily?! Specially right after you got all comfy, sitting in yer undies in yer favorite chair...) you probably have little or no intention of sending me any birth information at all. Just too personal, and trust does not come easily to the Cancer personality. Second only to Scorps in capacity for suspicion. 030923 ... oldephebe yep 030924 ... oldephebe narrows eyes and then scurries away although i did give you the month and day..just not the year..um read the whole conveluted question on ask daf..i think i asked you about a cancer born the 29th of the month a libran born one year later born on the 29th of her month as well... yeah i just love my privacy..just got into a little tif with the imperial matriarch over proposing to pop by with my imperial matriarch in training sister yeah i really really love my privacy, but i can also be really extroverted at times as well, i just love riding the old emotional roller coaster. pipedream - yea you hit the nail right on the head just like daf..you guys here are some really special people later, here's an interesting tid-bit..ah never mind let me retreat to my shell of suspicion..real cozy in here..kinda empty..but..i got all my suspicions and neurosis all lined up just where i can see 'em ... 030924 ... pipedream isn't it weird-funny the way even when you have 'em all lined up, you still don't want to lob a few rocks at them and let them break? there was a line from a beautiful mind that i liked..something about how we need our nightmares because without them we wouldn't have any dreams.. 030924 ... oldephebe yeah..honest..and more substantial thatn some of my ornate alliterative lattices i'd rather say something true than the empty eloquence of exhibitionistic bombast..break me off a litttle more truth won't you? ... 030924 ... Dafremen There is a line between faith and confidence that cannot be erased by the mind or the heart alone. This line can only be erased by time and experience, neither of which fall under our control. There is your truth. 030924 ... pipedream wow 030924 ... oldephebe yes yes the eking out of our lives through experience, through the shifts in how we respond to physiological responses to experiaential phenonmena (stimulus and what not..Life) slowly the reflex or autonamous responses of the sympathetic nervous system and what we subjectively choose to contextually characterize as the emotional category of said response right..I get that even if that's not exactly what you intended to impart. I will oscillate between varying degrees along the spectrum of action tendencies..I get that. Time shapes life, sculpts it, and frees it from the stone or imprisons it. Time and the truth that we choose to tell our selves about said experience and our relegation or fixation relative to that. Daf - thanx for chiming in pipedream - break me off something..how about invoking or distilling some of your own insight ... we can crawl through these crucibles, under a sky of fire..or we can rise to try and uniquely represent reality in a way that does not cripple us..rise to ram life right back in the face..i willl not be the lamb shaped into (or for ) recumbant conquest.. i was hoping though for some of pipedreams inimitable lyricism..wreath my head with her glittering breaths..however i find the delineation insightful...intriguing..daf ... 030925 ... oldephebe i read misstree's contribution to the blathe page enitiled mother..a nice bit of cleanly distilled truth in that and with some nifty verbiage to boot.. still though pd hook me up..hollah back. wo.. ... 030925 ... oE coming soon:(said the narcissist to his reflection)..an updated extemporaneous appraisel of some o' my favorite poop slingers. Kinda spent right now though. Off the cuff ready, and ruff - HE WE GO! *in the voice of chuck D from Public Enemy sans that skeletal and siesmically unhinged caricature of vaudevillian absurdity..the guy with the really huge clock around his neck* LLRH, DOAR, pd, mtree, jane, werewolf,LS, celestia, daf, phil, RO, Jez, magicF, endless, U-24, nomme and her various alternative projections..i wish she'd write more, ferret, kss, quite a few others..like i said coming soon with really didactic blurbs and idiosycratic verbiage ... also check out the new Cruise movie "The Last Samurai"..really neat! Neat?.. 031207 ... pipedream sorry i took ages in hollerin' back *turns pink* i haven't hit this page in *ages*... having been through a crucible of sorts of my own i will turn around and study it, and hope that the cynical, sarcastic person i used to be some years ago will never have reason enough to return. it's easy to be cynical and descry everything in sight. its easy to raise an eyebrow and put on my condescending face. its when i open myself to find the good around me is when i am embarking on the hardest journey of them all, when i give of myself and hope to be given to in return is the scariest thing of them all...'because to love is frightening we prefer/ the freedom of our crimes' (f.t prince) 031207 ... User24 looking forward to your appraisal, oE, sometimes I wish people would criticise me more, why do people politely beat around the bush instead of getting straight to the point? Whenever someone does get to the point, without all the extraneous fluff of conversation, (now -I'm- dancing around the point) they are percieved as rude or blunt. Request, oE; tell me what pisses you off about me. honestly. :) (And why not reciprocate the favour..) oldephebe, I've learnt that in order to comunicate, one needs to learn the language of your target audience. Now, obviously I have no idea what your personal reasons for blathering are, but for me, it's a mix between a replacement for 'real' social interaction, and (sadly secondly) to express my ideas and meet likeminded people. I know a few people also blathe for purely personal reasons, not caring who reads, or whether their words are read at all. (I don't think that last one is why you blathe.) So, as a friend, (naturally you are free to ignore or yell at me) I'd like to impart some advice; lower your level of english - I can't understand you sometimes, and while it would be wonderful if people in general actually used the linguistic tools provided, sadly, most people don't. If you want to get your point across, omit some of the more obscure words. Sorry to bring that up, I hope you take it well, as you should know, it's not meant with any hostility. :) Now onto your good points; you're approachable and friendly, you have a way of seeing every point of view, which makes you stand out (to me) as an academic, I think you'd be a good political philosopher.. And (because I don't really like praising people - I prefer to criticise) onto what -I- think of you, subjectively. (yes, the previous was pretty much objective, believe or nay) You have secrets, oE. You just need to open up more (maybe I just haven't read the blathes where you have) You have a Past (capital P) and I'd like to know more (that's not a request, just a comment) you feel things, as in, you have deep rooted beliefs, anti-establishment, perhaps.. maybe your upbringing/background prevents you from expressing yourself fully.. anyway, I don't know if I'm a very good judge of character, but that's roughly (and in no way entirely) what I think about you. and onto me: I contradict myself way too much, and I'm perhaps a little too blunt sometimes (not just on blather) I assume that everyone's like me, and I don't really hold too much respect for the rest of humanity (is that a bad thing? maybe not..) and I qualify and restate myself too much, and I dither a lot, too. Crap with speaking my mind (in real life only) :) but fairly content, if not happy. yeah.. anyway, what do you think? hopes he hasn't offended you 031208 ... Little lost Riding hood I sat, like hunting tiger, feasting on your words. Gorging myself on your open lament. I felt a thousand tears cascade over me, still warm from your weeping heart. I drowned in the fluidity of your metaphors, so sweet and lucid yet bitterly sad... I reach my hand to stroke your face - a distant comfort to a lonely soul. You truly are a sublime inspiration Oldephebe - my gratitude to you for making me feel... 031208 ... oldephebe U-24 everything's cool brah..I will address your comments when i get some time LLRH - I don't know what to say..I want to say something worthy of what you've shared. Let me hit you up later.. 031208 ... oldephebe (sheesh!) Okay..so here's my off the cuff answer to you U-24. I didn't really take offense at your words. They were true, in that one sense you believed in what you were saying..and yes they were accurate w/r/t to some of my quirks and quandries. To be honest..I do try, strenuously at times to come across a little clearer..been trying to do that since the age of 13 or 14. Being pointlessly polysyllabic..not a good thing. Is there anything about you I dislike? Pretty much drawing a blank on that one. I think you're pretty bright guy just trying to find his way. I wish I could snare the sun and sing out its sound. Yes I'm shaped by secrets far too old and hurtful to reveal through the celestial smoke of my so enlightened paralxis of pedantic profundity...Not! U-24 if you read through some of my more disconcertingly revealing blathes you'll catch a glimmer, hell more than that..you'll be face to face with a few of my supperating soul warts and postules. And oh yes User I do have secrets major major secrets. But god they are so unremarkable that they would only paint me pathetic. My reason for blathing? Hmm..I guess i want to touch the hidden light that is in all of us..share some things..encourage people..be expanded by folk like you and daf, mtree, pd, zeke, jane, LLRH, RO, doar, endless, CS, LS, and so many others here. There are dust motes in my belly..so there's not much more i can say on this..Hmm sometimes I blathe just to howl, just to rupture the staid air..just to say something REAL..you know cause in the world of brick and mortar and tacky tactile things being passionate and poetry just gets me strange looks..or blithe dismissal..so here i am.. I don't think I could get offended by what you write U-24..maybe if someone else had asked me that..I would've been offended, or insecure or hid in the high hubris of my idiosyncratic aesthetic.. but I sense that you were not saying or asking what you did to harm..you were just being REAL.ssso I hope that answers some of your questions..if it doesn't then let me know what you feel needs to be clarified and i'll try to answer as best i can..Peace brah LLRH - Yeah you hit the nail right on the head..sometimes i want to cram the wreckage of my life back in my head..but it's out there now..blinking in the blue..so..you know..sometimes believe it or not i do have a black heart and malice flowing through my veins..that's why i prostrate myself before the Treasure of Light..I wish that reason and Light would ring my every word..actually the whole malic thing is not true..neither is the black heart comment..i guess i was just going for a dramatic metaphorical image..see? just exposed myself as the poseur and dilletante that i am..well maybe not dilletante..but i get so few oppurtunities to use that word. LLRH, I wish you would share more of your Light with us..you're a really powerful writer..woman..person..God! I am so drenched in the dire and dramatic..so i crawled to the shrine and prayed that God would divest me of all these defilements..but then my writing ould lose it's ache, its music and I'd be all blandly vapid..so..welcome to the festival of fire and flame..i know my name and it's name is pain..Okay so i tried to summon something out of all the emptiness in me to respond to you guys..I'm wrent, I'm spent, and filled with dents..and kindergarten rhymes. I hope within the next week to set up a site where you guys (those in blather) can listen to a few of my dark renovations of aluminum tree christmas carols..and yeah U-24 you so hit it on the head..I am at times ani-establishment..and i just excised an entire paragraph here so yeah..so full of secrets..but none of them are really remarkable.. User any info on audio blather sites and how to upload to them would be greatly appreciated.. this masticating dark matter in me is transfigured by the light pouring out of the passionate souls here..so..maybe some of my blathing is a surrogate for meaningful social intercourse..may..be.. i just get so tired of tapping on the prophylactic of poeple innured in the atrophy of apathy..i want to reach in and pry pains fingers off of their beautiful true selves..open the apeture and show them their true wonder and beauty..so..yeah..the burden of the world crept into me..wept in me..and god sometimes i feel it so acutely..but i fled from the sacerdotal robe..my own selfishness and sacriledge (sp) saved countless congregations from impaling themselves on my oscillating extremes between humble, compassionate servitude to their souls and self-obsessed seclusion into my own fathomless emotional appetites..and so I felt the years..years yet unborn leaning in me..felt its burden..said far more than i wanted to today..every temple has it's Light though really..and this from a lapsed acolyte..still though truth, love light is this unimaginably, ecstatic transfiguring thing..and (at least for me) it is only the mastications of our own minds seeped so long in the neural soup of misery that takes us away from that Source.. Okay so U-24 there ya go..some supperating postules and abhorrently vapid aphorisms..the despair dejeur LLRH - still feel like i haven't responded adequately to what you wrote..thank you again..but the whole hand on cheek thing..well ask pd..i'm kinda averse to the tactile, and overt displays of affection..and yeah i realize you were speaking figuratively..but still sometimes i just cringe at the whole hugging and platonic tactile expressions of empathy concern thing..still though..your words pour in the light and pervade this cave..and send the serrated shadows back to oblivions womb.. peace.. 031213 ... pipedream yeah, 'phebes here has a PDA phobia...so no face-stroking, but you can get away with a hug if you hide on a high-ish shelf and kinda pounce on him when he's passing by and thinking his thoughts (hence not really paying attention to the surrounding)..heheh 031213 ... LLRH I totally see your point Phebe and yes i was figuratively speaking...No, the obvious *hugs* etc thang aint pushing my buttons either... What I should have more eloquently put is: I want you to feel me inside your brain - morphing in and out of channels - flashing like a thousand stars, a heat of scars. Empathy and sympathy are so close - two brothers on the frontier of comerarderie, yet so far - drifting on boundaries accepted by tears and divided by pity. It is empathy that I feel - for your words rang so true - slicing me like serrated swords, yet binding me all the while. I wanted you to know that although beautifully and intrinsically individual - that you wrote what I have bled away in countless blackened hours. And you made me want to cry (not a common occurence - I assure you!) A sky, a soul, and me... 031214 ... oldephebe ... um..okay..i am speechless..more than just ambient noise..the aural equivelent of background static..clean silver slicing, cutting through the incense and the smoke of corruption..my fallen splendor, my corrupted light...my Bacon and dantesque phrases..tongue of fire wrending the enchantment of my Dark Noon verses and the low idolatrous murmurings holding a space in the air and then crystal shattering celestial spattering before the intimate commerce of these outrageous breaths arcing out and finding their mark. How violently, how, presciently, how gloriously you insinuate yourself upon the canvas..to inhabit these spaces..so virtuosically, so comfortably, it constitutes a raid upon my inspired repose of spirit..you must write more..please share with all of us here more of these devinely tendrilled breaths..the air..this blasted heath of harrow..that holds twilight in the broken swale that cradles my heart the air in there in here feels almost tolerable when i read these your words LLRH..very nicely done..and yet i know that you write not to have your exhalations desecrated by inane and shallow appraisal - shadow towering in the sky is prodded by an galvanizing induction cable..hmm that's an odd conjuring..oh well..anyway.. in the days to come i think i can more adequately express my appreciation of force and fire blossoms of your exhilirating verse..it's like a meeting of the eccleciastical and ..ah i'm groping strenuously at this ichoate impress upon my soul.. okay so maybe it's pointless to continue peppering this platter with the hoary and the hesitant stabs at ..here's something..i want to say.. her eyes were like windows that flickered with a loveless flame ..don't know if that fits you or if i'm imposing some solipsistic shade of my exasperating soul upon the reader but that's the image i just gleaned through the incense and supperating postules of chant and that damned mercurial..capricious muse..you - are - beautiful ...LLRH ... 031214 ... pipedream *picks her jaw up from the ground and carefully puts it back in place* if i weren't half-awake with impending calculus on my head, i'd swear that i just saw blather_cupid whiz by... 031214 ... oE no no..it's totally just a mutual appreciation society..ya know like the whole jigar thing..right?..totally..you know how effusive i can be at times pd 031214 ... oE oh and good luck on the calculus test pd *smiles* 031214 ... pipedream yup...i know how effusive and charming you can be :)) thanks for the good luck; although i didn't ace it i *did* get a bar of drak chocolate toblerone, just like that, because the angel who gave it to me doesn't like dark and was looking for someone who did, and i got it. and i've been pining for some for the past week; God gave me a present. im convinced. *grins* 031215 ... oldephebe pd - I tried to blathe something on this page but blather was doing the freaky deaky..ssoooo here's my reconstruction charming eh? i havent heard that one in a while..chatty yes..could you tell me how that chocolate tastes? i kinda have chocoholic issues..sweet serendipity..okay so i could resist the compulsive alliterative impulse..especially the literal conjunction of two of my favorite words....sweet and serendipity..man! chocolate pd - the higher maths elude me..but i am confident that your corpus collossum will be filled with a torrent of frenzied neurons..dope slapping the calculus back into submission..you're an impressively bright woman/person/sprite... ... 031215 ... Little Lost Riding Hood I impale myself apon your austere knowledge like a lamb to the slaughter - arranging myself along your words - a virgin to your thoughts. Fat cloudsof my sunset - bloody red orange vapours that pick and weave their way around me. Crying rain that soaks my soul leaving me to dissolve and permeate your mind in effortless waves. Words of broken love - and yes, a loveless flame burning in my eyes. A love begot by bitter hurt - destitute and alone and with empty staring sockets brimming with sadness. But tears have wet these unloved eyes - as torrents leave me dry - swept away on tides of fallen angels - fire and anger awash in this broiling symphony that is my heart.... Flowers lay at rest on coffers full of past. bells that toll for futures hope and my flag that flys half mast.... 031216 ... pd gaping gawd, where have you been all of oE's life, LLRH? 031216 ... oldephebe oh man..gulp! have to read what you wrote again LLRH, completely blew me away.. pd - um...she's got a gift, I'll say that much..methinks pd likes seeing me squirm.. LLRH - Man! There is no way I can respond to what you wrote quietly. Or blithely, let me muddle my way through the rest of this opaqued day..and when i get done with the dreary I'll try..i'll try to say something to your..words..my god..you give your words an unbearable vivacity, power..like giving something sensual and sacred sheathed in the incense and fragranct smoke of an inchoate shrine..giving them flesh, letting them be seen...erotic truculence...I'm babbling, ..yeah let me come back to your amazing words LLRH - 031216 ... pd heck, i tell it like i see it, and the way i see it...you two should be growing old on a park bench in blather-land. heh. 031217 ... oldephebe but how does the toblerone taste? seriously.. i've never really got into the real dark american chocolate and anyway american chocolate i find is inferior by far to what you can get over seas..i've been lucky enough to sample some from friends..keep slingin' the truth as you see it pd.. i wouldn't have it any other way.. 031217 ... Doar oops...........soory.....wrong door... please don't let me interupt..... oh, is there an oldephebe here by any chance.......see i've got this proclamation to deliver....... just sign here, here, over here....no not there, here, other there, some initials here, oh don't worry about the first born clause, and lastly right here. thanks 040226 ... pipers yezz yezz, im his personal phone-answerer so i'll sign...thankyew, thankyew very much *elvis style* *shakes oblong package thoughtfully* wonder what it is... 040227 ... oE jack kerouac's original 120 foot scroll of on the road again..just sold for 2.4 million dollars. sheesh...blieve it or not..i have yet to read the so called post pubescent poseur's right of passage.. 040326 ... oldephebe notable additions to blatherdom - puredream, kookaburra, borealis, z, pete, wcw..(as well as some other truly distinct voices that i've inadvertantly omitted..because i've got a sieve for a cerebelum..i've got a huge list and a wharehouse full of really idiosyncratic and i guess idiomatic laurals of appreciation to pour onto many peoples' shoulders but i don't have the time to blathe like i used to sooo... stay tuned for this page to resume..i guess..-just wait someday i'm gonna buy my own big boy bed!...boy do i miss the RANDOM... ... 040712 ... pd Just that, exactly that- I want to rush into the wind with you, lie in your blood, taste your skin I want to take your breath away like a secret present unto me alone, be the well of your happinesses I want to call you when I hurt, look up into your eyes when I wake, take your tears and turn them into laughter I want to be the only one you see when I enter a room the one you call first with the good news the keeper of your secrets, the treasurer of your soul, I want you to be the light in my eyes, the lilt in my voice Why is that so hard, so impossibly unreal We could be so happy 040723 ... oE boy, that was really quite beautiful pd i'm glad you're back in the blue :-) 040727 ... meta meta 060222 ... LLRH oE just reading your blathes to me. God I havr been so lost these last 2 years. The fire has been all but extinguished - only the embers glow, like beacons to my soul, reminding me that life is still beautiful... By the way - I am reading Kerouac's 'On The Road' now!! 060307 ... Death of a Rose Man, I fucking miss you. . 080207 ... LLRH I have somehow become wayward in this barren landscape that constitutes my mind. Luminous black clouds fill with the sulphorous cloying words that spew from your splenetic mouth. I am forced to cower in the these nebulous holes that suck and drain the lifeblood from me like vampiric, twisted spectres. How I have come to detest and abhor the sickening platitudes so readilt supplied in errant apologies. Keep your malodorous breath. I will force you back till a vortex of my crashing anger reveals the black and nefarious seed that grows in your shrivelled, piteous heart. One day I will revel in the pure and altruistic glory of unadulterated love. I will bask under a thousand suns, eminating and recreating galaxies with every step I take. I will bathe in the unborn stars of my perfect nebula, ablaze with arrows of burnished gold. I will no longer creep and cry and shelter my flames from the elements of the world, I so beleive these things that they have to be true... 080208 ... LLRH Apologies for the typos! Concentration somewhat lacking. 080208 ... They call me Truth oh GOD, so beautiful...oldephebe, i wish more books was as raw and true and powerful as that. you let us see more than the tip of the iceburg, though i know there may be more underneath i witnessed something extraordinary. I guess in short, i concur with everyoneon this page. 080208 ... z whatever became of oe? 100427 ... () (where are you, stainley?) 100518 ... z OE? 110117 ... unhinged wonders how pheb is now too 110117 what's it to you? who go blather from