ambivalence one deck wally there were strip clubs and sports bars and a dive or two on the walk from his house to hers. he was tempted to stop. the air was filled with mainly silence but in unpredictable intervals there'd be a noise. a screech or an exuberant yell. the sounds were mixed between danger and safety and you never knew which would be next, or when only that there would be another. the city on nights like this transformed from the bustle of colored reefs and schools of drinkers and laughers and late working businessers to a deep sea full of hidden exspanses and trenches and caves. faint evidence of life reminded you why lonliness never felt complete, but always felt like waiting. hurrying past a bum who was too dead eyed to speak, he kept his hands tight in his pockets like two poker faces. he wondered if this was a movie what music would be playing. a pitch woman called to him from a stripclub's smoky entrance. he'd been in a strip club once. the whole time he'd felt as if he was doing it more for the girl than for himself. "sorry, i've already been in one" he said, slowing down slightly, mainly because he wanted more than anything a new destination. "it's a new night, and we've got some new tricks" she said, a more complex pitch than he was used to hearing. "sorry, once a philosopher, twice a pervert." he replied, qouting some philosopher he had read in a bookstore while waiting for a friend to finish their shift. a man came out giddily trying to suppress his drunkeness as if it was his secret and asked him for a light in an exagerated polite manner. a cigarette was a good idea. he lit the man's cigarette and bummed one from the man, who fumbled in giving it to him and nearly dropped it. he watched the smoke from their breaths dissipate into the air, and he felt for a moment like doing the same, melting away disinterested like the whole world was pulling him in different directions. but he remembered suddenly his purpose, it found a center in him and pulled him back into a building walk. he made loud slapping noises with his feet, hoping to draw attention to himself, to maybe get himself mugged, but at the very least to keep him from thinking about anything but the noise of his steps echoing off of concrete. her house came into sight. it seemed like a constellation in a sea of blackness, the only thing he could find order in. he went over his script in his head. where would he start? how much was he willing to commit to it? was this the right timing? how would she react? he stopped in front of her house now and lingered at the doorstep. each step he took shot through him as if it was a trial, a test of his resolve. as if they were guards watching for pretenders, protecting some sacred event from being given away to worthless candidates. was he ready? he could not wait any longer, and he finalized yet another part of the decision and reached out and rang the bell. he stood in shock for a moment. there was no longer the chance of a mere melting away. footsteps picked up in volume and went down in frequency. hello? a voice answered and he felt for once, unlike the voice asking for a light or inviting him in, it was a voice he had heard before from the inside out. for a moment the night was dead silent. 030623 ... birdmad can easily ferment into antipathy 030623 ... weaving sunlight its ambivalence rather than reaction or silence that brings me the coldest comfort 040224 ... weaving sunlight its ambivalence rather than reaction that brings me the coldest comfort 040224 ... stork daddy i forgot about that name 040224 ... es I feel like I'm being pulled in ten million different directions. 050115 ... and - Lately my view of humanity has been getting better AND worse. 071114 ... plus and minus (the plus didn't show) 071114 ... Wait - if the plus didn't show, am I ambivalent? 071114 ... Oh dear. Does this mean my view of humanity is only getting worse? 071114 what's it to you? who go blather from