passage unhinged it sat there like a rock between us in my mind. you needed help through your pointless existence and while i could sympathize i couldn't feel the need to talk. i had wanted you to be there for months but you were too busy with him and the passage of time had built a wall of apathy inside me. where were you when i swallowed the last of my codiene and went in search of alcohol? where were you when MY life felt pointless? where were you for all those months? in his arms...learning lessons that i have lived with for too long. you want him to understand. you want resolution. but i can tell you that such things don't exist. you will spend years trying to convince him. and all he will have is his own perception. and one day you will wake up and realize that. but now you are crazy with heartache. i remember that. and i know there is nothing i can say to make the want to drink go away. because i spent so much time smoking pot when you weren't there. so much time staring at the big zero on my answering machine wishing that there was one message from you. torturing myself because you weren't. i gave my heart to you and you threw it away. i know how it feels dear. 020124 ... ClairE You know when you are auditioning and you get up to the passage that you are nervous about and you start sweating and your eyes start squinting and you pretend no one is there watching you and then you pop out the end, but it's just not as fun? Yeah. 020125 ... june i fon't know what it means there's too much snow outside 040127 what's it to you? who go blather from