what_i_want_to_say_but_can't jennifer ... I can't wait until I move out so you'll actually have to WATCH the kids you get PAID to babysit 010102 ... Quiggz too much. What're we supposed to say here if we can't? It all comes out in the end, though, doesn't it? 010102 ... silentbob Negative. Some things die with time and people. Entire memories are forgotten with no notice. There are people and experiences and heartaches and secrets no one will ever know. 010102 ... chanaka at the end of a long and rather disappointing new year's eve, i wade through the snow drifts and get into my car. it is bitterly cold, but inside the house was only a little warmer. it is odd how the clashing of personalities brings back such warm memories of new years past, spent staring at fighting lovers. frozen memories, frozen steering wheel sliding through my fingers. i do not go up the driveway, but park in the street instead. it is still snowing. i want my footprints to be the ones to wreck the unnatural perfection of the freshly fallen snow that covers my driveway. as i look back upon my footprints (4 inch heels), i realize that something is missing. i am missing something that i didn't even know i was looking for. tomorrow children will tromp into the snow, and cars plow through it, but i know that i was the first to break in the snow. once it was perfect, like the new year, but i had to go step in it. i think i will go write your name in the ruined snow. 010102 ... unhinged that i never want you to go this smell reminds me daily of the soapiness of you and i want it to all come out in the wash that i love my family dearly but i just need space to be myself. i am older now. maybe everything won't be turn out picturesque like my father wants it to but i know it will turn out. i have enough faith in myself and him to believe that. can your prayers really help me noah? 010102 ... misstree that i really loved you, as much as i hid it, and as much as i hated it. that i still love you, that i love someone else, and will love everyone who leaves their footprints here, within. 010103 ... Quiggz Silentbob, perhaps. I take the veiw that all thinks are said, communicated, but not nessecarily realised. Just because it's been said, doesn't mean anyone listened. Strive to pick up the unspoken things that are said. People don't always have the courage to say them out loud. 010103 ... alkalinepixie i think yer amazing. boy. why don't you kiss me? 010103 ... Nina I loved you. You liked me at one time. I know you did. WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH US? Why didn't we take it when it came? It could have been so good. For both of us. 010103 ... G_wiz13 WOW this is a great fucking topic.things that i want to say but cant. Shawn your the best friend i could ever ask for, and wendy somehow i have feelings for you and you better not commit suicide or ever try again or im gonna have to tell you how i feel. 010103 ... Thyartshallshant That wasnt dumb. It wasnt stupid either. Don't feel embarraced for your thoughts. If you wanna keep turning into me, that is. 010103 ... alexander sometimes I want to fucking die sometimes I want to fucking make everyone else come with me sometimes I picture my stabbing my boss to death with his brass pen holders that he got for being the worlds greatest boss I cry when I think about my mom and dad passing away someday I still pick my nose I'm homophobic but I have a gay friend that is the best friend in the world but I can't tell anyone I think women do more hurt in the world than any other force God created Sometimes I stay in my room for days on end, my only contact with humanity being the pizza guy who also keeps me fed I work a ten hour day six days a week, and I act like everyone else because I'm scared and weak I check a million times after I post something because I hope someone will make a little witty comment about it, just to acknowledge that someone out there actually fucking heard a word from the real me that lives inside this cage in my head I'm 5'8' 160 pounds, I've got brown hair and eyes and lots of people tell me I'm good looking, and a girlfriend who adores me; but knows nothing about the longing and bitterness I feel, she only knows the me that I let her see to keep her telling me how much she cares about me. Everyone I know thinks I am just like them. I don't think I'm good looking. I've been in love twice. One was an angel that I hurt and left alone because I was young and stupid. The other was a whore who tore my heart from my chest and laughed at me when I complained about the pain. Someday I want to die for something meaningful.. like catching a bullet for my wife or getting burned to death while trying to save a child from a burning building. I want to be so much more than I am. I'm really lazy. I used to idolize Jewel until she said that she wasn't sad anymore during an interview. I want to find someone that can pull me from the freezing wreckage of my life. 010104 ... god i hear ya bro. i can relate. 010104 ... Rhin I would have responded, and regardless of the fact, that you check your posts a million times. I stopped breathing, while reading what your soul has spilled out, into our blue world. I almost felt your pain crushing me. That is what I wanted to tell you... 010104 ... Justice ...that I'm 'in' love with your soul! 010104 ... Quiggz Alexander, I know what you mean. It's one hell of a hard knock life for alot of us, but ya gotta keep pushing. It will be worth it some day. 010104 ... alexander thank you Rhin.. Your understanding is acknowledged and appreciated.. The tragedy is that there is no one in my life that agrees with you.. ever. Even when I'm practically screaming to everyone what I want to say. I need some ice cream and my teddy bear. 010104 ... Rhin Your truly welcome Alexander! Maybe (just an opinion), the tragedy is not, that no one in your life agrees with you, but that everyone in your life isn't honest enough to admit, least of all to themselves, that they feel the same way (at times). Regardless, I can hear you screaming! Just remember to breathe... 010104 ... MollyCule i've been wanting to tell you that i love you for fifteen months. even when i wasn't. and especially now. but i probably never will. 010104 ... Thyartshallshant I am a good person. I shouldn't blame myself for everything. I'm funny, whitty, and nice. I'm not stupid, I'm not dumb, and I'm not on crack. I DO deserve to live, and i should be happy. I shouldn't hurt myself, and i shouldn't beat myself up for the things that aren't my fault. I don't need to be angry and hurt all the time. I shouldnt cry myself to sleep at night. i dont need to be this way anymore. im 15 i shouldnt have all these issues. i cant take this anymore why cant i be free why cant i forget this pain i have wny does the world do this to me what did i do I need to let go of her. 010104 ... unhinged that i don't want you to go...i want to be selfish and kick and cry and scream like a baby. wendy please don't go. i couldn't imagine what i ever could have done without you. and you're going to go. but you will be happy. mike is going to miss you. but i know i will miss you more. where would i be...without your love? nowhere. nowhere at all. 010104 ... Quiggz Thyartshallshant, The world is a seemingly cruel and arbitrary place. I guess I probably didn't need to tell you that, but I said it anyways... uhm..... Anyways... sometimes things happen, and there isn't a good reason. But there's not really much you can do to stop them from coming, but you can try to accept that they will happen, and work more on dealing with the bad things then wonder why they happen. Wonder why after you can deal with them and keep somewhat happy. It's like being in a lions cage. You'd work on keeping him from eating you, rather than wondering why he's going to munch on your head. "And remember, I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together" -RedGreen Rock on, and keep the faith! 010105 ... daxle don't have any fun without me, especially not with her, and I don't care if this is selfish I know it's not fair but it doesn't make me feel any different 010105 ... Thyartshallshant Thank you Quiggz. And I CAN say that. 010105 ... pathwrat i am afraid of you 010106 ... Sintina I'm scared. Everyday of my life I'm scared that once it all comes together or looks like it will come together it will fall apart again. I can't say that I'm scared, because so many people expect me not to be. I'm the strongest one. I'm the one that will make it all better for everyone. I'm the youngest, and yet they all depend on me! It's maddening and I feel afraid that I can't possibly make them all happy and myself happy as well. And I don't think I'm exactly like you alexander!! You and I, sir, have quite a lot in common, but we are by NO means exactly alike. We have lived different lives. Seen different things. We have come to many similar conclusions, but we are as different as night and day in many ways. Example one: You have a penis and I don't. Example two: You try to hide your true self, while I try not to. Etc. 010106 ... Sintina Oh, and I can't find my blankie... I love my soft blankie... I used to sleep with it every night and I miss it. I can't admit to myself that part of me still loves Tiberius. 010106 ... Justice I forgive you... Hearing your voice again... I missed you too... Of course I love you still... Don't do it again! 010107 ... you know me i can't sleep in this house- too much happened to rip the nights apart- to rip me apart- ::sigh:: though i know there's not a chance, sometimes the feeling seeps through the crack beneath the door that he's coming back- he'll be here soon don't fall asleep- i've almost reverted to become the five-year-old wearing 4 pairs of panties to bed just hoping that if he had to make that much effort, he would stop i can't sleep in this house ... 010107 ... Glory Box I'm not a rock. 010108 ... lizard i need him. but i don't understand why i need him so much, when he doesn't need me at all. 010108 ... shit for brains yeah, it hurts when you do these things to me. it hurts a lot. 010108 ... misstree i'm not as strong as i want to be. 010108 ... sigh some days it's all i can do to make myself eat something- hungry, yes but not hungry enough, i suppose- i make sandwiches at midnight, tell myself it's ok because nobody can see me- usually, in a given day i eat maybe one shaky meal, scattered from when i wake (at noon) until i force my eyes closed at night (past 3) i want to eat but i just know when i do you can see every bite -i feel it- help... 010113 ... god who cares what anyone thinks. 010113 ... Quiggz I, for one. Besides, if we didn't care what anyone thinks, we'd all be passing through the digestive tracts of wolves by now... not that the human race's extinction would nessecarily be BAD for the planet overall, but think of it this way: Blather wouldn't exist. Not that I nessecarily think it does right now, but the illusion of it wouldn't exist either. 010114 ... god i don't care what anyone thinks (99% of the time) 010115 ... god blather must be my 1% 010115 ... gwyllynne when you look at me with that expression when your voice pleads with me in softly lilting tones what I want to say is "I forgive you" but I simply cann't say such a thing, I never learned how to forgive, and I cannot forget 010115 ... alexander What I want to say, part two. By Alexander It still isn't my real name. Today I'm hurting Ada again. She's confessed she loves me. She's given me her heart, she's given me her soul, she's given me her body. She's given me oral sex at seven in the morning. She even bought me ice cream at midnight because I asked for it. She could get hit by a train tomorrow and I would feel nothing. I would not shed one tear for the girl whose heart I've hurt so badly when it tried to love me. Dear God, am I becoming what I've most despised. Somedays, I want to fucking die again. I've given the blather address out to some of my close friends... I regret it. Now I can't even say here what I want to say anymore. I'm ashamed that they've already read what I've written. Someone out there knows I'm a fake. Somedays I want to die again.. 010116 ... G_wiz13 hmmmm.... I want to tell my girlfreind to move back in with her parents cuz she lives with another guy and i know shes not doing anything with him but still. but i cant because i know shes happy there. 010116 ... hoodrat i go to work because i have nothing else to do. i moved to this god forbidden place because of an ex-girlfriend (and i knew inside that it was a mistake). now i don't have the energy to try and leave. i have a lot in common with Alexander (both parts). in my case it was better to let the girl go (i think you would feel better). sometimes i want to die just because i'm so unsure of everything. i fall in love with all the wrong people. i don't think i notice the people i should 010117 ... alexander I'm so addicted.. I am defenseless. I can hit the random blather key and there is a 80% chance I will read something that can destroy me. I feel like my emotions have no immunity.. I feel like even the smallest cold can cause pneumonia.. and I will be lying on the ground coughing up blood.. I feel like a child.. with her I have no shields.. no walls... the battlements laugh at me when the world sticks it in. They laugh as the dark comes over the walls because there is no fire to quench it. You have.. broken in me.. broken me.. Nothing hurts.. like your mouth.. 010127 ... misstree goddammit, why don't you call? i heard the break in your voice when i called to find Rain... I've called you twice, i won't chase any further, but, well, you're the only thing between me and loneliness, and though i hate to admit it, i need that right now... but you're so far away, proud like me, and you still won't call... i want you around... please.... 010127 ... chanaka need i repeat the same old lament...that i tell you all the time why do you bother with me? why do i bother having friends, seeing as they always leave? why am i still lonely? tell me that..please and the reason i am crying is you 010127 ... PinkSnowStorm Mike, I think I like you. Do whatever you want with that information. Dad, I hate you, but I love you and I really miss you, you fucked up bastard. Mom, you're not always right. I pretend that I don't care what people think of me, but today on the bus, several people kind of ganged up on me. As soon as I was off the bus, I cried for half an hour. I am a horrible Christian. When I act like I'm mad at you, I really want you to love me. Theresa, is the person that I knew in you really dead and gone? I'm still scared of the dark. I'm afraid of demons and ghosts, too. I feel so lonely now. God, I wish they'd ask me what's on my mind. God, I wish they'd notice that I'm crying. 010205 ... unhinged that you are so fucking immature and spoiled....so far in your life everything has been handed to you. you wreck your car and almost kill me and all you can say when your PARENTS find you a car that you should have been looking for yourself is, " i don't want that car. it has too many miles on it." so you get the better car instead. unbelieveable. that i love you. that i don't see you enough. that i'm scared. i don't want to intrude on anything that you have built up for yourself. but the thought always returns to me. i could give so much love to you and all you would have to do is accept it. this shooting sharp sleep pain in the back of my head is telling me that i'm not worth it. that i would be nothing to anyone ever. my eyes ache with sleeplessness. because i want to hold you again like i did once. i wish i could tell you. i wish that you knew. that in every breath i speak, i wish it was to you. maybe this knife, these drugs, will work quick. 010205 ... ni-yeev things i want to say i dont have words for. the things i want to express are my feelings... yet they excape my thoughtz so tactfully... they wont hear me here. nobody hears me here. i'm just another lost voice, yes? yes. even as lost voice, i skipped over others because i wanted my say. lost voices... can't be heard... is that i? is that correct? why do i care? ha. 010205 ... chanaka back back back into the corner of my mind it sits scratching at the blackboard to compute the equation of infinate variety. VENT off steam that builds in those corners hissing and spewing past my ears. the agony of release floats from my fingertips SIGH and let go of those thoughts blowing those leaves out to leave the bare earth exposed. TRACE the memories etched in frozen surface proof that i never forget why don't you believe me? 010205 ... heather i think it was you and you made me cry but i'll never know for sure cos i can't ask you any of it 010206 ... lalalala i wish i could ask. her. ask me. i wish she would call just to say she still loves me. 010206 ... unhinged you are a stupid bitch. i never did anything to you so back the fuck off. you will never have a career. grow up. how old are you? well you act like you are twelve. he doesn't want you around anymore...can't you get the picture? i'm really not into degradation, but you suck and you need to get off your high horse. all you boardman brats born with a silver spoon in your mouth. GET OVER YOURSELF.... 010206 ... god don't beat around the bush,now unhinged. come right out and speak your mind. 010206 ... Morelen All she wanted to say to me was that she didnt like me, and then she wanted to make feel like shit. i may, have alot of flaws, and i may have caused alot of problems...... but...for some reason....I dont think this one is all me.... 010207 ... unhinged christina and you of all people know, god, that i'm always just coming out with it. "nicole why don't you just take a bitch pill?" why don't all you annoying fucks shut the hell up? i'm in a mood lately. seclusion seems imminent. 010207 ... erin I always get these visions of my friends of the same sex doing sexual acts with me I really want someone who is weird like me yet cant find them I feel i am going to have a life that always seemed like something is missing I feel deeper than anyone in my whole town I always have things to say to people but i dont say them like good things like telling someone something i like about them Joes breath smells a little pale skin makesme sick i want a boy who can never think im weird or different and will take me places ive never been before I am sick of my normal life I need to get away form these same people I sometimes forget to brush my teeth everyday I think my thighs are really fat yet people tell me to shutup I am afraid to have sex because the pshycic told me that I would get pregnant the 1st time I did I am attracted to Robert Downey Jr. I want to live in Paris or Italy when i grow up I will never date someone with bad teeth all my friends are nothing like me and they've all made really stupid mistakes and are fake in some way I think my mom dwells on my life to much I wish I could be more open everyday Ive always wanted a vibrator I did a lot more than kiss eddie 2 weekends ago I want to meeet a boy that dresses different than everyone else Sorry if this was really long----- I hope someone will read it and not think im a freak --- 010225 ... unhinged that i love you the depths of which i can't even define more than lust, desire to just spend some time with you would make every day complete i would devote every day to making you smile incessantly because right now there is no one else on this earth that i feel deserves the plate of happiness more than you you have helped me remedy something that might never have been fixed you give me confidence when i have never had any but if i told you this i don't think you would comprehend it's not because i'm still a teenager you an old man trapped in a 24 year old body this is not infatuation i spent my high school years being infatuated this is the most sincere love i have ever felt for one person do you believe me now when i say i will always be here for you no matter what? that every day you cross my thoughts and my lips with a smile mike i love you 010225 ... Tank you dissolve my barriers just by being that which you are. you could make a difference just by being that which you are. you could help me heal myself just by being that which you are. you, you i could actually trust... 010225 ... Megan I love you. I miss you. I want to be your friend. Sometimes I think I would want it to be more, but what if I don't? I couldn't hurt you like that. Even if it is arrogant of me to think that my not loving you could hurt you at all. Because you not loving me hurts a whole hell of a lot more than you know. 010225 ... peyton Erin.. I feel you.. I can relate.. You are deeper than anyone in your town.. just don't put so much value in appearances.. You'll get out of there.. one day you'll see Italy or France.. Be strong.. don't let go of who you are.. 010225 ... johnny west Erin--- There is nothing wrong with being different, or wanting someone to share your weirdness with. The important thing is to be able to tell the flies from the mosquitos. Weird is beautiful. So are you. 010304 ... alkalinepixie i want to tell you im sorry. and that i fergive you. and that yer not hurting me im hurting me. and that we're perfect together. and i think you kno that. 010304 ... florescent light Do you think about suicide? Because I think about it quite frequently. It might surprise you. You think I'm a freak? I'm not. Don't tell anyone. I wouldn't want them to think that I'm not functionable. Because I am. You don't have to be depressed to want to want to die. And now that this girl outted herself, it's looking more and more like a good idea. But I won't do it. Now is not the time. I don't want it bad enough. I just want you to understand. 010305 ... Karen I want to say how much I HATE you! I want to say how much I LOVE you! I want to tell you all about those times when you hurt me. I want to tell you all about those times you made me so angry I sat up all night pouring my soul out to the darkness and drenching my clothes in sadness. I want to tell you that I need you. I want to tell you that I forgive you. I want to tell you that we can never be together again. I love you. R.I.P. 010305 ... mikey im just gonna say line by line many things i never get to say to some people. or never will say. youll not know who its to. but i can get it off my chest. i love you. i want you. i need you. i miss you. i hate you for dragging my heart and soul along for years only to let it go at the drop of a dime. please forgive me. im so sorry i never realized how selfish and jealous i was it in the end was my own downfall and i deserved it. your my best friend in this world if only you could open up my heart and crawl inside you would be happy and i would take your pain and hardships unto myself so that you would never again feel anything but happiness. i envy you. i wish we had never crossed the line of friendship. because i lost a friend and friends are never replaceable. yes we gain new ones but everyone is unique. definately was the case with you. and lastly. not ever sharing my thoughts and letting you know i liked you was one the biggest mistakes in my lifetime. i am one of those people who did meet the PERFECT one for me...and i never told her so. and worse i knew you liked me to. i was so affraid. scared. young at heart. i was depressed. all these are excuses for which i sometimes sit back and kick myself in the ass and say SEE MIKEY your your own worst enemy. 010306 ... unhinged suicide i understand we are all our own worst enemies 010306 ... mikey alexander: my ultimate goal is to give my life saving someone elses. something you said in your first blather made me think of it. i havent thought of it in a long time but reading your words made me think of it. thanks you for sharing your thoughts friend. 010306 ... disgusted im a whore....i hate myself 010324 ... selfish I think I love you, but I fall in love so easily. It's entirely possible that I'm more in love with being in love than I am with you. Doesn't matter because this can never be. You don't seem to understand that, but I'm glad you don't because I think that if you did you would stop this whole thing we have. I couldn't bare that, so maybe I'm being selfish and horribly unfair to you, but I'll just ignore all the reasons we can't be until something happens and I have to tell you. But never forget that I do love you, at least I think I do. I just want to apologize in advance for whatever damage I may cause. 010324 ... blue star I'm so scared that one of us will die without me having ever told you... petrified really... and yet I'm scared out of my mind about telling you. What if you laughed at me? What if you responded like you do about all the other girls that chase you around? I don't think I could take that... I would go mad. But I love you. 010325 ... shiva you are beautiful. 010325 ... hoodrat I am absolutely amazed by you. I know that we only talked for a few hours, but it felt like we had known each other forever. I wish that moment would have lasted forever. 010403 ... monadh I still miss you I think I always will I look for you in every moment in the passing faces of strangers in old haunts where we hide our summertime away 010404 ... emersonjay this coagulation, it says. the nonstop solitude, and the idea that someday there might be someone who would see my way. why do i always settle for comfortable? why am i forever more in place when i express how i feel to the ones who cannot see it? you are all out there. you're the stars in my night sky, the people i pass in the park. sometimes i imagine that the subtle grins and smiles we exchange are just a little part of the knowledge that we all have something deep inside us, and it's the ones who know each other best that have become the best at hiding it. the unchallenged happiness, the burbling to the surface of the true you, even if just for an instant. don't you ever think that that's what running through their head? 010406 ... Teddybear How is it i got stuck here on this planet? In this time? In this form? With this surrounding? I really hate this situation I was stuck in. I, like alot of us, was delt a shitty hand. So why can't we just shout out REDEAL THE DAMN CARDS!!!!!! 010406 ... yoink you smell really bad. just back the fuck off. here's 10 bucks. buy some good smelling lotion and some gum. 010426 ... Kristen Grandpa, I'm sorry I didn't see you before you died. I feel bad about it every day, and though I know you don't hold it against me I can't help but feel that I failed you. I want to tell you that I love you, that I appreciate all you did to raise me well and to give me what I needed to get by. I want to say I'm sorry we didn't talk more, and that I really regret not having heard more stories about your life. I hope you like all the flowers I've bought for you and Grandma, I hope your knees don't hurt anymore, and I hope I make you proud. I'm trying to do good, I'm trying to do the best I can. I never forget you guys, I miss you in my own way. 010427 ... Persephone I'm bisexual and the entire world needs to know! I will run out and paint my body rainbowed, spin my world purple. Maybe you will understand. Daddy, leave me alone. I was diagnosed, I carry a card. Why can't I tell anyone anything? 010506 ... Glory Box I want to show up at your house in the middle of the night, sick with drink, and I want the door to open onto your sleepy face, your makeupless face, and I want to break into "Love Love Me Do" by the Beatles. I want to wake the whole neighbourhood up with my shrieking, my declarations of passion. I want to tell you how much I miss you when you're gone, how much I wish I could move on. I want to, I want to, I want... you. 010507 ... cali j Matt...I love you 010511 ... dovenightmare God you are beautiful. Your skin paper white, flawed like the kind you make yourself, your long eyelashes and sunburned neck. Irish eyes sparkle without needing color. The pale lithe body I want to see naked, long arms and hands with scraped knuckles, mouth a soft closed line, white patches of scalp shining through dyed black spikes, your flat off-key voice singing burned copper tracks, crashing bass guitars like waves. Who's that song by? You kick a rock down the driveway. Me. 010513 ... Glory Box fuck you and your untouchable face and fuck you for existing in the first place and who am I that I should be vying for you touch said who am I I bet you can't even tell me that much 010516 ... carden we need some time apart, i want to see what it's like to date. i've never had the opportunity unlike you. i want to see if this is for real or if i've really fallen for someone else. i would like to enjoy and explore college life and all it has to offer... 010516 ... Dafremen Ladies and gentlemen, FINALLY someone who's being honest about the REAL nature of "forever" as in "I'll love you forever" or "F*ck my parents! You and me are gunna last forever!" 010516 ... scribbles um...first off..i've always had a crush on you. i think you're cute, i think you could be the one i've been looking for. we get along so well, we can talk for hours...unlike me and this other person. i told you about hanging by a moment and that's how i feel about you. everyday we keep talking, i feel like i'm falling more in love with you. i had a dream last night and we were a couple...we visited your family and everything was great. i think it could be great. but you like someone else and i don't know if you like me like that because we're too close of friends. and i have someone that i'm seeing, but i'd like to give it a shot with you...i don't know if i could break up with him. but i really want to see if we have a chance. yours... 010522 ... carden pentagrams are not evil!!!!!!!! to the boss at happy chef 010522 ... blindforyou I actually do love myself, somewhere, deep and dark, I can say, "you're right. I am beautiful" I lied to all of you whenever I said "no I'm fine, really, don't worry about me..." and as far as I'm concerned, I still am. I wish my father was dead. Or incarserated. Or just badly bruised for God's sake. I just want him to experience a few moments of the hell it has become inside of mt head, thanks to him. 010523 ... unique butterfly There is so much to say. Let me start... Here. I love you Jake. I miss you so much and I'm sorry I hurt you. I know it's been over a year, but I'm still so sorry. I never told you that. You'll always be one of my best friends. I wish you knew. Ricky, you will never know how I really felt most likely. In a way I want to tell you, but after watching you lately I don't think the two of us will ever be together. I've released you from my mind. I don't feel the same way anymore. I'm sorry, yet maybe I shouldn't be. I almost wish I'd never met you. Emily I don't think I will ever like or trust you again. You were so mean. When I thought I hurt you, I felt bad and did a lot of apologizing, but as soon I asked to be friends, even if we didn't talk... just so we didn't hate each other, you never answered. You're mother spoiled you rotten and I don't want anything to do with you. Justin I don't understand. I never will. You and I were just not right. You'll never treat me like a person, so I guess I don't care to speak to ever again. Mom and Dad I don't know if you really love me sometimes. You rarely tell me and I wish you said it more often. I love you both so much and I don't know what I would do without either one of you. Don't leave me until your really old. I don't think I could handle it at this age. Your the best parents I could have and thanks for being there for me. G.P. I think I've fallen in love with you. Nobody but me knows and nobody but me will ever know except you... Well, that is, I'm only going to tell you if you ask. I don't know what to do anymore though. Holly your such a good friend to me. Sometimes we seem so different and I don't understand why we're friends. Still, I wouldn't give you up for anything. Believe it or not, I have friends who are preps. Yeah, I know you wouldn't like that if you knew and that's why I'm not gonna tell you. You'd think I'd change, but I haven't. I may look different, but I'm still me. I promise. Katie I bet you found this. Maybe not. But I'm gonna pretend like you didn't. You are such an awesome person. You'll never know how much I wanted to be friends with you when I first met you because I thought you were so cool. Now I am, and you know what? You are still just so cool. Danielle I don't understand you. You drink and smoke and yet you want to be perfect. I don't drink or smoke and I don't really mind that much that you do. You have such awful friends though. I mean, just people I can't stand or are really into trouble and all that. I don't get it. You want to be thin so bad and you don't eat and that worries me. You're such a sweet person yet I don't understand so many things you do. Michael you can really give me the creeps sometimes, but I don't think you know that. I just want you to know, that I think your a good guy... but we're definitely not for each other. I have no doubt in my mind. I really do like talking to you, but friends is all it can and ever will be. Oh... there's so much more to be said... 010602 ... karmakazie I'm sorry, phil...for being such a needy asshole...you left this world before I could take your arm in passing and reconcile what was once a beautiful friendship...before I lost my head...I think about you a lot...I wonder if you still begrudged me for how I wanted to make you care, to make you love me the other way...it's been 3 years since your death, and I still want to crawl in a corner in shame and sadness...well, here it is...I can't carry this any longer, so you're going to have to listen, where ever you are...I am so sorry,Phil...I want you to know that what I did and said in your company distanced us and that our friendship is too golden to be nullified...so can we start over? That's what I would have said..I couldn't say it to you before...you didn't look like yourself the last time I saw you...you scared me laying there and not moving surrounded in white satin....so I cried on your mother's and father's shoulders and went home. 010603 ... yummychuckle er...lots of people said what i was planning on saying that i can't say... like 'selfish'. anyway, also the i want to say i love you but cant thing. and i kinda skipped past some entries cus i dont have enough time to read em all, but... i wish he knew how much he hurt me, and it wasn't only physically. and if he did, he might even laugh. i wish it would bother him. i want him to hurt like i did and do. but that sn't what i want to SAY now is it? 010604 ... snow_angel that I love you. I want to tell you how much you really mean to me still, after all this tyme. I know that what you tell people should be enough. But if you tell them how much i mean to you why cant you tell me. I want to have some tyme with you, spent with you and only you. I hope that one day we can sit down and I can tell you that youll always have a spot in my heart and I want us to be the way we were, even if we arent TOGETHER. 010604 ... the one that I cut myself deeper and deeper everytime you yell. Everytime you tell me that im selfish. I know I am. I cant do anything about it. I steal and I lie and I cant do alot of the things I tell people I can. But I dont do it to hurt anyone, Im just being selfish. I try to be faithful to god and to my beliefs but how can i believe blindly and whole heartedly in something that lets me and everyone I know suffer. I want to tell everyone that I am a mess inside. That I dont eat because I am afraid to be alone. i am afraid to be with anyone and sometimes I think that ill never be able to stay in a relationship. Am I an idiot? Why cant I let myself like a guy that likes me back and will take care of me. Instead of treat me like shit. I find flaws in everything, obsessively. I anylyse every second I exist and All the things i do wrong and even what I thought I did right. I am in love with someone that will never love me back and I dont care. I dont want to graduate, I dont want to get a job. I want to die. I want to just end it all and not have stupid shit to deal with. I wish i was worth more. I wish i could understand what I am supposed to do to change my life. But i am a dumb ass stupid hopeless bitch who should just fucking be thatnkful for what I have. And id like to say im sorry 010604 ... Dafremen Hey no problem. You seem like a person that is looking for something...continuously. You seem like the kind of person that wants somethign sooo bad...until you get it...then you don't want it anymore. Whether you are or not...you sound like a Gem. Either way, just so you know...I'm STILL in the process of losing my mind...just for YOU! What can I say? I LIKE selfish bitches like you. - - 010604 ... crystal this is for "the one", i love you! please no that i am always here 4 u, whatever u need. life is hard i no, i can't fix what is wrong, but i can listen & give hugs:) we had that talk that 1 day & it was very nice. we still hav 2 go 2 church 2gether. take a second & just think of what u do hav... ...me! 010605 ... Dafremen Just three simple words that have tickled my funny bone today: Dog_Boot_Company 010605 ... nocturnal at work wow, that's so funny. those same three words have been annoying the crap out of me all day! 010605 ... Dafremen Funny how a little thing like perspective can change something so dramatically huh? 010605 ... nocturnal at work it's a fucking laugh riot. 010605 ... Dafremen You know what it sounds like YOU need? (Dare I say it?) 010605 ... nocturnal at work please don't. I'm begging you. 010605 ... Dafremen Planning on doing a little begging? Count on Dog_Boot_Company for all of your begging needs. From our 8 inch boot with added knee padding to our open-toed "foot kisser" model, Dog_Boot_Company has the equipment that every aspiring sycophant wants and NEEDS. So whether you're casually sucking up around the water cooler or heading to the bosses office for some hard core brown-nosing, Dog_Boot_Company 's Likass 2001 line is sure to have something to fit the occasion. Dog_Boot_Company: Outfitting the vertebrally challenged since 1956. 010605 ... Dafremen I absolutely could NOT resist. 010605 ... yeah... guess who i love you too crystal... i do. and im sorry that i cant explain it all but i do know that youre there...and you have to know that i will always be there for you too. 010605 ... florescent light we'd be better off if you were dead..... 010605 ... Dafremen It's moments like these that call for a group hug. : ) Please dearest florescent DO go on. 010605 ... florescent light and I hate you for being so weak... I watch you escape into your world of spiritual candles and religious writings. Your innocence and goodwill were not meant for this fallen house you live in your world of Tupperware and denial walking on eggshells in your own home. Living in your world of hidden secrets and lies you're denying, hiding, scared. Every time you don't look, 20,000 tears are plagued unto me. 010605 ... Dafremen Oh sure just had to outdo my Dog Boot thing huh? 010605 ... dB What do I want to say? What is there to say? Something meaningful? something special that people will remember? You can talk about your pets or baseball scores. It doesn't matter. Everyone forgets at some time or another. What do you say, when all has been said? Even the most well meaning soul will screw up an opportunity like this. I abstain. *Much Peace* 010605 ... nemo all those thoughts that swirl around in my head, i want to say them. 010614 ... kingsuperspecial Sometimes I want to get a bullhorn and yell, just stand on the corner and blast anyone who comes by. fuck you, you assholes! lick my balls! you're all pointless morons! I hate your stupid society! christianity is stupid! give up! you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake! you are the same decaying organic matter as everthing else! god hates you! the human race is a virus! die greedsucking scum! I probably shouldn't do that, though. (a) feeling a bit frustrated 010614 ... silentbob your face killed me on friday i wanted to kiss it so badly that my stomach feels winded when i think of it i'm really starting to like you, girl 010617 ... nocturnal and I congratulate you on surpassing yourself. we are all so proud of your accomplishments. oh wait, that's not something I can't say, seein as how I just said it and all. 010617 ... korie that i miss you so much that sometimes it feels like part of my heart has been cut out. like i've only got three chambers left, and they're probably empty anyway. that i hear stories about you and the bandages you're walking around with wrapped around your wrists and i want to fucking scream at you and bash you in the head with a brick but i also want to unwrap the elastic and kiss your injuries. that someday you'll realize maybe just how wrong you were to believe him over me. that i just can't bring myself to tell you the truth about the last month we had together. that i couldn't lie to spare your feelings anymore and so that's why i faded out. that you pushed me out - are you ever sorry? do you even care? do you think about it now and question how exactly you believed a very very evil boy over me? that i miss you, i love you, i want my life back. 010620 ... yoink_on_drugs i'm a reasonable man, get off my case. 010620 ... scribbles dang it, it's happening again. i can't get you out of my thoughts. i wonder if it's true and what am i supposed to do. which way should i go. who is mr. right? things seem to be right with him, but i want a chance with you. you seem like your the one, but so does he at times. i'm all confused and i can't do a thing without hurting someone. i want them both to be a part of my life, but if i were to end things with his i know that wouldn't be possible. ahhhhhh....i hate not knowing what to do or what i feel and think. it's driving me crazy. here's a sort of poem that i wrote about you: i was walking down the street today who did i expect to meet absolutly no one alone for this day smirks come across my face only you know what i'm thinking i don't really know what's floating through my head everything come to me in blurred images and words i can't possibly make sense of anything i'm numb to my own thoughts i don't know how, or even if i can, react to these things, thoughts and feelings that are churning throughout my numb body that's all i have to say today 010708 ... carden yes, it's me 010712 ... carden/scribbles there isnt anything i cant say to him now :) 010712 ... Miner So much I thought, but tonight its been said, the doors opened, and I'm happier than I will ever have words for. I hope this is the beginning of a very long and happy time for us both. Its amazing how much pleasure and peace can be gained from finally talking with that special person about your feelings :) I love you :x :x 010712 ... Casey You fucking immature sophmores. Fuck all of you. You call yourselves losers, but you always act higher and mightier than anyone else I know. You hipocitical sons of bitches. You hurt people and you can't even see it. You hurt me, you hurt him, you hurt her. You make people think you like them when you really slam them and make fun of them behind your backs. Your all fucking cowards. I'm sorry I once thought you were my friends. Go to hell 010722 ... yoink i didn't have the nerve to tell you you sucked, but there you go you are such a bitch sometimes you don't deserve to talk to me. you don't deserve any of it i wish i never met you 010722 ... Dis You miserable fat fucker, god I hate you sometimes. Of all the things I regret in my life, man you really rank high. I can only pray that you get the karmic ass-whallop you so richly deserve; how I'd love to know that you ended up treading the sea of mediocrity for the rest of your life, devoid of victories, dotted with defeats. It's criminal, the way you manipulate people. It's shameful, the way you thrive on useless melodrama. A person like you could drive a person like me to outright physical violence, and that's no lie. Do us all a favor and tip over into an early grave, you smarmy son of a bitch. 010815 ... Aimee I can't take this anymore. It's not your fault you did nothing, and nothing you could have done could have stopped this from happening. I've tried for my own sake to forget how I feel about him, but i can't. I've loved him since the day i truly discovered what love was. I can't help it. But I can't do this to you or me. I don't want to hurt you anymore, and I don't want to lie to you anymore. I am in love with someone else, and if I could change it I would. However, I need to follow my heart and not my will. I need to know if he's worth everything I think he is. I need to know if he can love me back as i love him. But we're not suited to one another. Our families hate each other, and I don't know you anymore. I want to, but you don't seem interested in finding out who i am now. Did you know I love photography now? And that a rainshower can make cry? Did you know that I wish deep down I could have cut it as a violinist? And did you know that I haven't forgotten all the things you said to me? Especially the one about how you could never truly see a future with me? It's after the relationship is over that the truth comes out about a person. It's when both people start telling their friends what they really think of their former love. I'm sorry, there's just too much there. And I can't in good conscience say I love you in that context, without wishing you were him. I'm sorry 010815 ... Devil Doll do you ever stop complaining? christ you just can't accept that life sucks. you're not as cute or deep as you try to project yourself to be... I'm willing to bet that you don't have any friends.. you don't deserve them anyway... cunt 010815 ... niki sometimes...i just want to tell someone when i have had a bad day. i never do because everyone else has their own crap to worry about. and of course i allow them to unload it on me but i never feel like i should do the same. so i go on with it bottled up inside, sometimes you can tell but 90 % of the time i hide it with a joke or smile. my mom will nag me to tell her but i never do. it is probably bad but i always justify it by saying "everyone else has bad days too, they certainetly don't want to hear about mine." but i would feel so much better if i could find someone who could just sit there and listen, not say a word, and not call me a whiney baby when i am done. i'm pretty sure that Fuel wrote that song "bad day" about me. 010815 ... Glory Box You won't like me when we meet, and you're the leader of a punk band and you're beautiful I know it and I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I'm not beautiful, I never will be, and the only thing beautiful about me are the words I cast into the wide open air. And in my head it's always you and me and the lights are off. I couldn't stand to have you see me. 010907 ... Aimee I am so in love with you I actually regret anyone else I've ever dreamed about when i look at you. When I look into your eyes, it makes me tremble because I know you love me. I've never had someone look at me that way. I've never had someone willing to jump to protect me if ever there came a need. I've always been that person. I've never felt so scared of letting go in my life either. I'm scared I'm going to fall for you so hard and then something will happen to you or you'll begin to see my flaws as annoyances. But I love you. I don't even know if the words do it justice. I know I should be skeptical about how this whole thing is going, but I've never had a relationship like this. And it's the first time I've ever just said "screw it" and decided to follow my heart without analyzing everything. It feels wonderful too. and the only reason I can't say this is because I'm afraid to. 010907 ... ilovepatsajak i miss you sometimes, dad. 011108 ... whoknows im sorry for what ive done. but i dont think youre sorry for what youve done. i dont think you even know what youve done. what happened was more than just a "miscommunication." a lot more. how could that be when there was no communication at all on your part? you knew exactly how i felt. i never hid that from you. but you didnt respect me enough or care enough to tell me how you felt. no matter what you thought would have happened, it would have been better than this. i can live with the truth. but i cant live with lies. 011108 ... rip what i want to say but cant is to tell my boss screw off i want a 4 dollar raise. my teachers to go to hell and give me an A. to my parents let me do what ever i want and give me some money and stop yelling at me. and to the girl i like go out with me and lets have some fun. 011117 ... Norm Technically there's nothing you can't say. Its just the things you refuse to say, its just another weakness that everyone has. Take that pacifier out of your mouth and tell me to fuck off. 011117 ... psychobabe *heart is warmed and extremely happy* 00h ERIN! I MISS YOU SO MUCH! i saw this and was like, whoa this should be interesting. YOUR SUCH A SWEETHEART! i hardly knew any of that that you wrote back when *isnt sure already forgot lol* but dude, i miss you so much. I remember when we became friends in the 8th grade, i knew so many people but *shrugs* they didnt even know who i was. Then you, emily and kim came along and we were all buds! i was so happy cuz i was like "hey, new friends rule!" and you were one of the very few who got to konw who I-KATIE was! and i love you for it! lol:p i miss the times we sat in studyhall just messin around talking, laughing and just chillin man, good times i tells ya. O0h do you remember? Our senior road trip? lol i'm STILL going to get you and me, you and anyone else who wants to go will go around the states visiting places and friends. Its going to rule hard. But i'm sorry things for you are tough at *cringes* michigan. Bah theres nothing new here, just the same people, but more like differnt cliques ya know? its no longer emily me kim and those people, its more like emily with ryan STILL, kim with kevin blein *bleh* I try to keep in touch with all my buds, its kinda hard tho cuz i'm working and gettin money for a car *WHICH I GET IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS!!!!!* but yea, i'm more happier than i've ever BEEN before. I_have_realized that i have friends, family, loved ones, and *hehe* significant others who love me! me, katie! i have realized it now. And its kinda sad tho, that its taken me 15 long years to see this. But i'm happy. Happy and loveing life *god never thought i'd say that* but yea. I loves ya to death! keep it real and man skrew guys sometimes they sux but sometimes they rule *hehe* 011118 ... Kati i am always afraid of my brother dying. i know it will happen sooner rather than later. i just fear that day 011130 ... ClairE . 011203 ... ClairE Ha, ha. ____________, even on bl_a_th_e_r. 011203 ... unhinged that you have become a horrible person and i can't believe that at one point in time i was so in love with you. the person you have become in the last six months is utterly disgusting. remember how about eight months ago i sent you that e-mail telling you you weren't a sell out? well....i don't have the same opinion anymore. rewriting polly and rot for a record label aren't what makes you a sellout though. the fact that you could ditch someone who has been with you for five years because you think he is the cause of your unsuccess is what makes you a sellout. you weren't the only one that was disappointed when sony renigged. but, you were the only one that started wearing women's pants and shopping at banana republic to play into their hands. you were the only one that has turned into the very opposite of why i ever loved you guys in the first place. you have lost sight of the real meaning of success and your interview in unsung hero says it all. "we are hungry. we want to be recording artists." so you sellout someone you supposedly love to get there? that is beyond hungry. you don't ditch people you love, you stick through it with them at all costs. and i don't think you realize what you have done. you have compromised yourself beyond rewriting songs. you have fallen into the evil trap of the industry with your designer clothes, women's jeans, and cute new hair cut. you have changed everything you used to be for them and all they want is a whore just like you. you deserve everything you get. bad karma will come back to you. 011203 ... rip shana i love you and i want to be with you but it seems like you hate my guts so fuck off bitch 011203 ... Lindsey you know that feeling you get when you're really upset? it's not like a pain, really. and you're not going to cry because it's been too long. but you want to hit something and this weird suffocating feeling comes over your entire torso and you want to kill something. i feel that now. i hate that feeling. 020117 ... Arwyn Sweetheart, You just don't understand my family. I can't just say to them, I'm getting married this summer and you're just going to have to deal with it. Mum, This is MY wedding. I appreciate all your counsel and wisdom in the matter, but remember, this is MY wedding. You had your first one years ago. You've had two since, I only intend upon marrying once. Let me have the dress I want. Let me choose my flowers, and please get over your anger with my father! He's not giving me away. Nor are you. Or my brother. I will walk myself down the aisle. Why can't you just let us make our plans and start the path of life as spoiled as we'll ever be? This will be the most lavish day of our lives! Why can't it be perfect? And so mummy, that is why we are marrying this summer. Yes, I know my brothers will have quite an upset at it, but such is life. I'm sorry if this upsets you, but Dad is paying for this, not you, so be happy. Please!!! be happy! This is a wonderful occasion, and he's a wonderful man (even if he is a yank!)*sighs* mummy, please why can't you be happy for me? I just want to marry the man of my dreams, and just because you had wretched success with men does not mean that He will leave me when i have four children and the 5th one on the way.. It doesn't meant that... please just be happy for me. oh and mummy? You really need to 'get laid'... might help you loosen up every now and then. 020117 ... unhinged i said it the other night i said 'mike i love you' and it was beautiful i still smile to think of it note to self: there comes a time when every word is appropriate 020117 ... unique butterfly katie... oh my gosh... i can't believe you found this... wow... i am so glad your life is going good! my life has been pretty ok actually, but man, i glad you're happy! that makes me feel happy! i definitely want to go on that senior road trip still! nothing would change my mind! i miss you lots and i would keep typing but i gotta go! 020122 ... ts i want to scream scream to the heavens her name that i adore this beautiful Alexandra; that the stars have cursed us cursed our hidden love for one another 020122 ... silent storm I miss you. I'm not allowed to speak those words. Not to you. But I did anyway. So what are you going to do now? 020122 ... underfire Most of things in here are ... "I miss you.. or I love you or I hate you".. I believe I'd have to make mine... guess what? I'm bisexual. 020122 ... she ::hands Alexander a teddy and a pint of ice cream:: 020122 ... misstree being self-indulgent again that i miss you that i loved you that i admired you that i thought you were the coolest thing since lemony fresh was invented that my heart still breaks for what you must think of me that i would put myself through hell to bring you some of the joy that you deserve, but somewhere, i lost the map. 020128 ... Sim Dai ma tashne, Ohloong sitard na'pesche. Qui' ahrle, Qui' sehte, Pichy vrai ta'nehkt da slehr. 020128 ... blown cherry So many unsaid words. After enough time passes, often they seem uneccessary to say anymore. Do you want to let it get to that stage? Do I want to let it get that far? Far away from me, then I'll be far away from myself. If I let my words fade now, what if none more striking ever come back to replace them? What if I fade into oblivion? I can feel my words, my passion slipping through my hands. Please bring it back. The pain, the ecstasy. Who wants to be 'happy'? 020208 ... Syrope there are so many... i want to say to almost every single person at my school "Fuck you, you're jealous and you're weak and your life is gonna turn out to be a living hell and I'm gonna laugh my ass off at you" To the few people for whom this does not apply, I wanna say "Why did you have to be nice to me, I was so close ...almost had the courage to push down on the razor..." I want to kill my mother. I don't love her, anywhere inside, although when I say I hate her, the people listening - their eyes get wide and they say 'aww but you really love her deep down'...well I don't. I hate her more than anything, ever. I want to tell Michael that he can blow his marijuana smoke up his ass and run from everything like a wimp because all he did the whole time I was with him was run and hide from his problems. Then I became one of his problems because I was in his way of his pot addiction, yes he is full-blown addicted, the fucking weenie. So I know its possible to become addicted to pot, I've seen it. Don't tell me you can't. So keep running sweetie, maybe one day you will be able to face life like I've had to. I refuse your half-ass smoky happiness. I want to tell everyone that I stopped throwing up after I ate, but that I still want to. I want to tell everyone that I'm not a whore, but that my sex life is the only part of my life I can control... I want to get out of this house as soon as I can...and I don't plan to come back unless to my mother's funeral to spit on her ugly face. 020209 ... angie I want to tell people that I get confused a lot. I forget what I am supposed to be like. I forget what I really want. I forget what other people think. I get confused about what I should do in certain situations. I don't really regret being confused about all this stuff...and making some of the stupid decisions that I do make. But maybe I am just confused about how I really feel...maybe I do regret doing the things I have done...but maybe I dont. I think I am just confused. I really think I will be okay though. Some people might not believe that...but I really do believe that I will be okay. I am glad that at least I can have confidence in myself when people who you would think would always have confidence in you lose it because of some of the thinkgs you have done while confused. Sometimes I have incredibly deep thoughts...but a lot of the times I dont. It is really hard for me to say this because I build myself up to be this completely deep person who is just so cool and all. I know that some people are able to see through this...but some others can't. I can't really express my true thoughts anywhere anymore...I feel violated at home...with my journal. If only I could turn back time...but then I really don't think I would have realized how fucked up some of the things were that I was doing. So...I am grateful. I truly am. There is so much more I want to say but can't...but I won't because it is stupid petty stuff that really doesn't matter and I am beginning to understand this. Thank you Blather For all you have done You have helped me grow in ways I never thought possible. 020718 ... blown cherry you always draw out of me in the end. I want to share everything with you, but at the same time I want to hide from you my pain and maddness. I really do want to tell you everything, all the clouds in my head, but the cat fight going on inside of me is an intense battle, I'm just glad you know which side to fight on. 020722 ... poeticmisfit words can be so hard to find. *i wish my tears could fall into words* 020723 ... jojo i hate the boy in you that let me go because i loved the man too much to stay while you were sleeping. 020723 ... jojo is that i am sick and tired of hiding the things that i like to do and things that i have dreamed about just because they come up in my love's life and he acts on them, unlike myself. it makes me feel like i don't exist when someone else is living my life, but i want to sing, i want to continue with the violin, i want to spend my time in the dark room, i want to make my clay and throw my dinner sets and just be with him while i build my life. that is not too much to ask, but i still can't, after so many years of bad timing. bad timing and now i am in the state that he mentioned passing through by chance, and i did not stay here earlier because of his proximity, and he must now think that i am copying him but i can only be here because i have let go of my love for him. that is just the way our lives work. parallel, never together. always one step behind. i want to ask him to wait for me. but that might be asking too much. 020723 ... cheer-up-emo-kid I want someone to take care of me. I wish someone would tuck me in every night and bring me a glass of water and give me a goodnight kiss. I dont like being the strong one in my relationships. Im not that emotionally stable. I wish my mom would still set up playdates for me so I wouldnt have to find my own friends. I want you to take me home and feed me and wash me and let me sleep in your bed. 020723 ... pipedream how come most people on this page can't tell people they love them? or apologize? scary things, both, but if you said them for real it'd make more a difference instead of saying it in the comfortable anonymity of an online nickname. i'm a blunt idiot who does before she thinks (and is consequently frequently misunderstood) so there isn't really anything i can think of that i haven't said anyhoo...that's good, no regrets...so far. 030316 ... Diabla WOW. it would take to long for me to do this one so i'm just gonna say Alexander my name is Alexandra,lol cool and i think we r the same age but i am a girl i have to go now to 100_facts_about_me 030507 ... User24 I wanted to say that phrase, but my voice simply refused, like an evolutory safguard against such heresy ever being spoken. The phrase I tried, and am trying to pronouce, is "awgtyidnfioujhygxzzzqioppppkjddfdkfjh" 030508 ... Syrope wow...i was sooo angry... i hate reading my old blathers, i feel voyueristic :-O 030508 ... jane he told me the other night that he loved me as he played with my hair and handed me a bottle of expensive vodka. he caught me off guard and i couldn't remember that i was supposed to say it back. that's okay though...i've said it before. 030508 ... carlita it's something new everyday, but the same old things are always there as well. i really don't know why i don't just tell you what's on my mind. you've even told me to before, and i just hide inside this shell of mine. i wish i had the guts to let you in once in a while, but i guess i'm afraid you won't like what you see in here... 030729 ... Glory Box are you coming to see me? guess what happened to me today? i wish you were near me. can i kiss you? that poem is about you. it hurt me when you left without explanation. why did you do that? what's your name? what's your phone number? 031006 ... Death of a Rose I read this whole page. There I've said it. And I wanted to. Ps. I like it very much. 031010 ... MollyCule That just because you didn't call me tonight, which I never really believed you'd do anyway, now I'm going to go cut myself, and then I'm going to burn you a CD. 031011 ... ferret i so fucking desperately wish you were gay. kinda selfish but oh well 031011 ... youll never know i got done up the butt last night. and i loved it. 031012 ... ferret it's so sad when someone keep something secret for so long and pushes everyone away, so that when they finally reach out, there's nobody there to catch them, and the reach so far out, that they eventually fall. Please, don't let that happen to you 031012 ... gwyllynne I wish I knew how to forgive 031223 ... Nirvanic Blind (sighs) Is that it? My sighs should be deafening 031223 ... magicforest i lied 031224 ... oE god, as mych as i talk, as much as i madly whittle away the lead point on a pencil..there are ways too many things i'd like to say that would probably be like liberating..but would injure those i care about..and the song always seems to be calling beack inside..tip of ice berg and all that pip pip!! What i want to say t those whom eternity is cradling in her busom..what i want to say but won't..for fear of obliterating the already tenous strands of a friendship... 031225 ... Queen MuFaSa Mom, I wish you would hug me sometimes. I wish I could sit and talk to you. Tell you that I'm in love. That I'm happy. I wish you wouldn't question me everytime I asked to step outside of the house. Why can't you see that I have it hard sometimes too? Why don't you ever kiss me on the cheek? Or ask me how my day was? Or how I'm feeling? Or tell me to go and, for once, have a good time with my friends? Why do you ALWAYS find a way to somehow make me feel guilty about everything? Why don't you tell us to pray? You make me feel pretty damn crappy about myself sometimes. But you're not a bad mom and I love you. Why can't I tell you that I love you?Why dont you tell me? You should laugh more. And live more. Dad, I really just want to hug you. But I can't. I can't stand the way you drive sometimes. You should laugh more. Get out and DO something. Why can't I tell you that I love you? What's wrong with our family??? Sis, I don't know where I would be without you. I love you. You need to chill out though- seriously. Don't take everything so freakin seriously. Who cares if she got you pillows that don't match the freakin couch?? It's not the end of the world. Get a grip. And stop holding grudges. It's really not good for you. Get over yourself and let me be happy, okay? FZ, I love you...I think. You're the only one who's never let me down. Sometimes I wish I never admitted it to you. We're so damn complicated. YOU'RE so complicated. You're FAMILY is so complicated. Why can't we just be a normal couple? Why must we be surrounded by all this drama? I hate drama. I want solitude and peace and contentment. I love you now, but I don't know how long I can love you for. I need you. I need you telling me that I'm beautiful and smart and funny and witty. I wish your hair wasn't so funky. And that you were taller. Samy, I thought you were a great friend. You were like a sibling. What happened? Why all of a sudden the need to be center of attention? It's cuz of your dad, isn't it? You make me feel like I'm too 'goody two shoes' for you. Well, I'm sorry. But I can't change for you. So you can go on ahead and continue this act of yours for as long as it keeps you entertained. Why am I so hellbent on pleasing everyone around me? For once, I wish I could not give a rats ass about what you all think. Maybe I should just elope. Screw It. 040105 ... !kung !kung 040105 ... !jung !jung 040106 ... misstree *prolonged, frustrated, deafening, rage-filled, animalistic scream. windows shatter. car alarms wail. psychic sensitives bleed from the ears. packs of feral cats devour old ladies. rage rage rage rage rage AAAAAAAAUUUGGGHH.* phuck. 040106 ... melanie I wish that i could loose the ability to speak. maybe bite my tongue off or something so that i wont have to speak. that way, i wont ever be misunderstood, i wont hurt anyone with the things i say, and i wont be able to say all of the things that make me seem so stupid. i could just sit quietly and just be myself and nothing more. 040307 ... anonymous is to tell the boy i'm in_lust with I think he's absolutely gorgeous.. 040307 ... Uncertain Please come back. 040318 ... stork daddy your faith in me is wasted 040318 ... sameolme Damn! First Santa Claus, then the Easter Bunny, now you. Please God, make it stop. 040318 ... stork daddy just kidding 040318 ... sameolme Wheww! You've restored my faith in prayer. 040318 ... unpaUSED I'm going to tell a long long story now, and I hope telling it will fix it all. There were lots of coincidences with him, in university. Then once he invited me to a party. It had been my last exam, so I went. Maybe that was just an excuse. He wasn't really cute, but I never like really cute. He tried to get me to drink, which I don't. I did not take offence, but when I mentioned to a *freind*, he said that means they don't have respect for you. I would come to realise that later. The party moved to a club cos the neighbours complained. He did not come along. I went, and we sat at a table, and did not dancethe music sucked bigtime. People started leaving. Then he came. He was very drunk. He was sitting and talking to this girl. A nice song came along, and I got up and went to the dancefloor. I like to dance alone. A couple of minutes he came along, and started dancing with me. We ended up making out. Maybe it was me, maybe him. Probably both. "I'm not the guy for relationships. I have a girlfriend. Maybe I will breakup with her, but maybe not." Why didn't I care? I knew nothing but his name. We left, for his place. 'I live too far'. I slept with him on the only bed/couch he had. And we made out bigtime. That included my first kiss. In the morning, we went for coffee. He said he "takes responsibility", that he won't run away from what he did. It was the first time he cheated on his girlfriend of two years. And he siad he'd like to hang out with me, and htat we would make good freinds, cos we hit good conversation. I went home. I felt guilty for being the cause of unfaithfulness. And I messaged that I don't wnat that again. We met a couple of times again, I stayed at his place also without anything happening, his girlfriend came to visit, and I did not see him for 2 weeks. She left on valentine's day morning, and he called me in the afternoon. I went out with him in the evening. He got drunk, which was the excuse, and we made out like hell again. Way more than the first time. I went home next night, walked through the hills, begging forgiveness the whole time. Collapsed in the middle of the road and cried, and screamed. I am a GOOD girl. I don't so this. Not with someone else's guy. But I met him again and again and again. Made out with him four times in total. Realised that I don't even like him. He has a beer belly, is kind of self obsessed, but not really. Has too much convincing power. He says that he's not cheating on his girl. "It may sound wierd but I like you and her at the same time." Meanwhile, I read somewhere, that we tend to choose partners that are like our dominant parent. He's totally like my dad, who I regret to admit, I'm not very proud of. Tried everything in the book to get rid of him, but it's harder when you have feelings for him too. So when he calls, I say, no I'm busy, then he calls again, and I say, I'm tired. And he calls again, and I give up, and agree to meet him. Everytime I was with him, he would keep asking how I feel. Cos he knew I feel bad about it. The last time I made out with him, it got a bit too far, and I was crying. He consoled me. I made myself get better, but then he was "talking" again, and us making out again. He makes me feel like a prostitute. I said that to him, he said not. Not at all, and I shouldn't htink like that at all.... I asked him what if I get a boyfreind? He siad he would be jealous but he wouldn't mind it. Then he was like no you'll be all about faithfulness again. That was kind of mumbled. But it made me feel like a prostitute. Today I told him I think I am in love with him. I thought it would make him get away. But it didn't. Now, I'm going to try to stop seeing him altogether. He'll think it's because of me being in love with him. When it's not. But then he's gone hoem today, and he might jsut break up with his gf. I would be in a ton of shit then. 040402 ... unpaUSED I'm going to tell a long long story now, and I hope telling it will fix it all. There were lots of coincidences with him, in university. Then once he invited me to a party. It had been my last exam, so I went. Maybe that was just an excuse. He wasn't really cute, but I never like really cute. He tried to get me to drink, which I don't. I did not take offence, but when I mentioned to a *freind*, he said that means they don't have respect for you. I would come to realise that later. The party moved to a club cos the neighbours complained. He did not come along. I went, and we sat at a table, and did not dancethe music sucked bigtime. People started leaving. Then he came. He was very drunk. He was sitting and talking to this girl. A nice song came along, and I got up and went to the dancefloor. I like to dance alone. A couple of minutes he came along, and started dancing with me. We ended up making out. Maybe it was me, maybe him. Probably both. "I'm not the guy for relationships. I have a girlfriend. Maybe I will breakup with her, but maybe not." Why didn't I care? I knew nothing but his name. We left, for his place. 'I live too far'. I slept with him on the only bed/couch he had. And we made out bigtime. That included my first kiss. In the morning, we went for coffee. He said he "takes responsibility", that he won't run away from what he did. It was the first time he cheated on his girlfriend of two years. And he siad he'd like to hang out with me, and htat we would make good freinds, cos we hit good conversation. I went home. I felt guilty for being the cause of unfaithfulness. And I messaged that I don't wnat that again. We met a couple of times again, I stayed at his place also without anything happening, his girlfriend came to visit, and I did not see him for 2 weeks. She left on valentine's day morning, and he called me in the afternoon. I went out with him in the evening. He got drunk, which was the excuse, and we made out like hell again. Way more than the first time. I went home next night, walked through the hills, begging forgiveness the whole time. Collapsed in the middle of the road and cried, and screamed. I am a GOOD girl. I don't so this. Not with someone else's guy. But I met him again and again and again. Made out with him four times in total. Realised that I don't even like him. He has a beer belly, is kind of self obsessed, but not really. Has too much convincing power. He says that he's not cheating on his girl. "It may sound wierd but I like you and her at the same time." Meanwhile, I read somewhere, that we tend to choose partners that are like our dominant parent. He's totally like my dad, who I regret to admit, I'm not very proud of. Tried everything in the book to get rid of him, but it's harder when you have feelings for him too. So when he calls, I say, no I'm busy, then he calls again, and I say, I'm tired. And he calls again, and I give up, and agree to meet him. Everytime I was with him, he would keep asking how I feel. Cos he knew I feel bad about it. The last time I made out with him, it got a bit too far, and I was crying. He consoled me. I made myself get better, but then he was "talking" again, and us making out again. He makes me feel like a prostitute. I said that to him, he said not. Not at all, and I shouldn't htink like that at all.... I asked him what if I get a boyfreind? He siad he would be jealous but he wouldn't mind it. Then he was like no you'll be all about faithfulness again. That was kind of mumbled. But it made me feel like a prostitute. Today I told him I think I am in love with him. I thought it would make him get away. But it didn't. Now, I'm going to try to stop seeing him altogether. He'll think it's because of me being in love with him. When it's not. But then he's gone hoem today, and he might jsut break up with his gf. I would be in a ton of shit then. 040402 ... unpaUSED I'm going to tell a long long story now, and I hope telling it will fix it all. There were lots of coincidences with him, in university. Then once he invited me to a party. It had been my last exam, so I went. Maybe that was just an excuse. He wasn't really cute, but I never like really cute. He tried to get me to drink, which I don't. I did not take offence, but when I mentioned to a *freind*, he said that means they don't have respect for you. I would come to realise that later. The party moved to a club cos the neighbours complained. He did not come along. I went, and we sat at a table, and did not dancethe music sucked bigtime. People started leaving. Then he came. He was very drunk. He was sitting and talking to this girl. A nice song came along, and I got up and went to the dancefloor. I like to dance alone. A couple of minutes he came along, and started dancing with me. We ended up making out. Maybe it was me, maybe him. Probably both. "I'm not the guy for relationships. I have a girlfriend. Maybe I will breakup with her, but maybe not." Why didn't I care? I knew nothing but his name. We left, for his place. 'I live too far'. I slept with him on the only bed/couch he had. And we made out bigtime. That included my first kiss. In the morning, we went for coffee. He said he "takes responsibility", that he won't run away from what he did. It was the first time he cheated on his girlfriend of two years. And he siad he'd like to hang out with me, and htat we would make good freinds, cos we hit good conversation. I went home. I felt guilty for being the cause of unfaithfulness. And I messaged that I don't wnat that again. We met a couple of times again, I stayed at his place also without anything happening, his girlfriend came to visit, and I did not see him for 2 weeks. She left on valentine's day morning, and he called me in the afternoon. I went out with him in the evening. He got drunk, which was the excuse, and we made out like hell again. Way more than the first time. I went home next night, walked through the hills, begging forgiveness the whole time. Collapsed in the middle of the road and cried, and screamed. I am a GOOD girl. I don't so this. Not with someone else's guy. But I met him again and again and again. Made out with him four times in total. Realised that I don't even like him. He has a beer belly, is kind of self obsessed, but not really. Has too much convincing power. He says that he's not cheating on his girl. "It may sound wierd but I like you and her at the same time." Meanwhile, I read somewhere, that we tend to choose partners that are like our dominant parent. He's totally like my dad, who I regret to admit, I'm not very proud of. Tried everything in the book to get rid of him, but it's harder when you have feelings for him too. So when he calls, I say, no I'm busy, then he calls again, and I say, I'm tired. And he calls again, and I give up, and agree to meet him. Everytime I was with him, he would keep asking how I feel. Cos he knew I feel bad about it. The last time I made out with him, it got a bit too far, and I was crying. He consoled me. I made myself get better, but then he was "talking" again, and us making out again. He makes me feel like a prostitute. I said that to him, he said not. Not at all, and I shouldn't htink like that at all.... I asked him what if I get a boyfreind? He siad he would be jealous but he wouldn't mind it. Then he was like no you'll be all about faithfulness again. That was kind of mumbled. But it made me feel like a prostitute. Today I told him I think I am in love with him. I thought it would make him get away. But it didn't. Now, I'm going to try to stop seeing him altogether. He'll think it's because of me being in love with him. When it's not. But then he's gone hoem today, and he might jsut break up with his gf. I would be in a ton of shit then. 040402 ... unpaUSED I'm going to tell a long long story now, and I hope telling it will fix it all. There were lots of coincidences with him, in university. Then once he invited me to a party. It had been my last exam, so I went. Maybe that was just an excuse. He wasn't really cute, but I never like really cute. He tried to get me to drink, which I don't. I did not take offence, but when I mentioned to a *freind*, he said that means they don't have respect for you. I would come to realise that later. The party moved to a club cos the neighbours complained. He did not come along. I went, and we sat at a table, and did not dancethe music sucked bigtime. People started leaving. Then he came. He was very drunk. He was sitting and talking to this girl. A nice song came along, and I got up and went to the dancefloor. I like to dance alone. A couple of minutes he came along, and started dancing with me. We ended up making out. Maybe it was me, maybe him. Probably both. "I'm not the guy for relationships. I have a girlfriend. Maybe I will breakup with her, but maybe not." Why didn't I care? I knew nothing but his name. We left, for his place. 'I live too far'. I slept with him on the only bed/couch he had. And we made out bigtime. That included my first kiss. In the morning, we went for coffee. He said he "takes responsibility", that he won't run away from what he did. It was the first time he cheated on his girlfriend of two years. And he siad he'd like to hang out with me, and htat we would make good freinds, cos we hit good conversation. I went home. I felt guilty for being the cause of unfaithfulness. And I messaged that I don't wnat that again. We met a couple of times again, I stayed at his place also without anything happening, his girlfriend came to visit, and I did not see him for 2 weeks. She left on valentine's day morning, and he called me in the afternoon. I went out with him in the evening. He got drunk, which was the excuse, and we made out like hell again. Way more than the first time. I went home next night, walked through the hills, begging forgiveness the whole time. Collapsed in the middle of the road and cried, and screamed. I am a GOOD girl. I don't so this. Not with someone else's guy. But I met him again and again and again. Made out with him four times in total. Realised that I don't even like him. He has a beer belly, is kind of self obsessed, but not really. Has too much convincing power. He says that he's not cheating on his girl. "It may sound wierd but I like you and her at the same time." Meanwhile, I read somewhere, that we tend to choose partners that are like our dominant parent. He's totally like my dad, who I regret to admit, I'm not very proud of. Tried everything in the book to get rid of him, but it's harder when you have feelings for him too. So when he calls, I say, no I'm busy, then he calls again, and I say, I'm tired. And he calls again, and I give up, and agree to meet him. Everytime I was with him, he would keep asking how I feel. Cos he knew I feel bad about it. The last time I made out with him, it got a bit too far, and I was crying. He consoled me. I made myself get better, but then he was "talking" again, and us making out again. He makes me feel like a prostitute. I said that to him, he said not. Not at all, and I shouldn't htink like that at all.... I asked him what if I get a boyfreind? He siad he would be jealous but he wouldn't mind it. Then he was like no you'll be all about faithfulness again. That was kind of mumbled. But it made me feel like a prostitute. Today I told him I think I am in love with him. I thought it would make him get away. But it didn't. Now, I'm going to try to stop seeing him altogether. He'll think it's because of me being in love with him. When it's not. But then he's gone hoem today, and he might jsut break up with his gf. I would be in a ton of shit then. 040402 ... unpaUSED I'm going to tell a long long story now, and I hope telling it will fix it all. There were lots of coincidences with him, in university. Then once he invited me to a party. It had been my last exam, so I went. Maybe that was just an excuse. He wasn't really cute, but I never like really cute. He tried to get me to drink, which I don't. I did not take offence, but when I mentioned to a *freind*, he said that means they don't have respect for you. I would come to realise that later. The party moved to a club cos the neighbours complained. He did not come along. I went, and we sat at a table, and did not dancethe music sucked bigtime. People started leaving. Then he came. He was very drunk. He was sitting and talking to this girl. A nice song came along, and I got up and went to the dancefloor. I like to dance alone. A couple of minutes he came along, and started dancing with me. We ended up making out. Maybe it was me, maybe him. Probably both. "I'm not the guy for relationships. I have a girlfriend. Maybe I will breakup with her, but maybe not." Why didn't I care? I knew nothing but his name. We left, for his place. 'I live too far'. I slept with him on the only bed/couch he had. And we made out bigtime. That included my first kiss. In the morning, we went for coffee. He said he "takes responsibility", that he won't run away from what he did. It was the first time he cheated on his girlfriend of two years. And he siad he'd like to hang out with me, and htat we would make good freinds, cos we hit good conversation. I went home. I felt guilty for being the cause of unfaithfulness. And I messaged that I don't wnat that again. We met a couple of times again, I stayed at his place also without anything happening, his girlfriend came to visit, and I did not see him for 2 weeks. She left on valentine's day morning, and he called me in the afternoon. I went out with him in the evening. He got drunk, which was the excuse, and we made out like hell again. Way more than the first time. I went home next night, walked through the hills, begging forgiveness the whole time. Collapsed in the middle of the road and cried, and screamed. I am a GOOD girl. I don't so this. Not with someone else's guy. But I met him again and again and again. Made out with him four times in total. Realised that I don't even like him. He has a beer belly, is kind of self obsessed, but not really. Has too much convincing power. He says that he's not cheating on his girl. "It may sound wierd but I like you and her at the same time." Meanwhile, I read somewhere, that we tend to choose partners that are like our dominant parent. He's totally like my dad, who I regret to admit, I'm not very proud of. Tried everything in the book to get rid of him, but it's harder when you have feelings for him too. So when he calls, I say, no I'm busy, then he calls again, and I say, I'm tired. And he calls again, and I give up, and agree to meet him. Everytime I was with him, he would keep asking how I feel. Cos he knew I feel bad about it. The last time I made out with him, it got a bit too far, and I was crying. He consoled me. I made myself get better, but then he was "talking" again, and us making out again. He makes me feel like a prostitute. I said that to him, he said not. Not at all, and I shouldn't htink like that at all.... I asked him what if I get a boyfreind? He siad he would be jealous but he wouldn't mind it. Then he was like no you'll be all about faithfulness again. That was kind of mumbled. But it made me feel like a prostitute. Today I told him I think I am in love with him. I thought it would make him get away. But it didn't. Now, I'm going to try to stop seeing him altogether. He'll think it's because of me being in love with him. When it's not. But then he's gone hoem today, and he might jsut break up with his gf. I would be in a ton of shit then. 040402 ... unpaUSED I'm going to tell a long long story now, and I hope telling it will fix it all. There were lots of coincidences with him, in university. Then once he invited me to a party. It had been my last exam, so I went. Maybe that was just an excuse. He wasn't really cute, but I never like really cute. He tried to get me to drink, which I don't. I did not take offence, but when I mentioned to a *freind*, he said that means they don't have respect for you. I would come to realise that later. The party moved to a club cos the neighbours complained. He did not come along. I went, and we sat at a table, and did not dancethe music sucked bigtime. People started leaving. Then he came. He was very drunk. He was sitting and talking to this girl. A nice song came along, and I got up and went to the dancefloor. I like to dance alone. A couple of minutes he came along, and started dancing with me. We ended up making out. Maybe it was me, maybe him. Probably both. "I'm not the guy for relationships. I have a girlfriend. Maybe I will breakup with her, but maybe not." Why didn't I care? I knew nothing but his name. We left, for his place. 'I live too far'. I slept with him on the only bed/couch he had. And we made out bigtime. That included my first kiss. In the morning, we went for coffee. He said he "takes responsibility", that he won't run away from what he did. It was the first time he cheated on his girlfriend of two years. And he siad he'd like to hang out with me, and htat we would make good freinds, cos we hit good conversation. I went home. I felt guilty for being the cause of unfaithfulness. And I messaged that I don't wnat that again. We met a couple of times again, I stayed at his place also without anything happening, his girlfriend came to visit, and I did not see him for 2 weeks. She left on valentine's day morning, and he called me in the afternoon. I went out with him in the evening. He got drunk, which was the excuse, and we made out like hell again. Way more than the first time. I went home next night, walked through the hills, begging forgiveness the whole time. Collapsed in the middle of the road and cried, and screamed. I am a GOOD girl. I don't so this. Not with someone else's guy. But I met him again and again and again. Made out with him four times in total. Realised that I don't even like him. He has a beer belly, is kind of self obsessed, but not really. Has too much convincing power. He says that he's not cheating on his girl. "It may sound wierd but I like you and her at the same time." Meanwhile, I read somewhere, that we tend to choose partners that are like our dominant parent. He's totally like my dad, who I regret to admit, I'm not very proud of. Tried everything in the book to get rid of him, but it's harder when you have feelings for him too. So when he calls, I say, no I'm busy, then he calls again, and I say, I'm tired. And he calls again, and I give up, and agree to meet him. Everytime I was with him, he would keep asking how I feel. Cos he knew I feel bad about it. The last time I made out with him, it got a bit too far, and I was crying. He consoled me. I made myself get better, but then he was "talking" again, and us making out again. He makes me feel like a prostitute. I said that to him, he said not. Not at all, and I shouldn't htink like that at all.... I asked him what if I get a boyfreind? He siad he would be jealous but he wouldn't mind it. Then he was like no you'll be all about faithfulness again. That was kind of mumbled. But it made me feel like a prostitute. Today I told him I think I am in love with him. I thought it would make him get away. But it didn't. Now, I'm going to try to stop seeing him altogether. He'll think it's because of me being in love with him. When it's not. But then he's gone hoem today, and he might jsut break up with his gf. I would be in a ton of shit then. 040402 ... kath i want to tell them all how i feel. how i wish they would listen, and see what's in front of their faces. but i can't. i want to tell him that i like him. but i can't. because he likes her. she's my best friend. i want to tell someone everything. i want to tell them about my life. i wish i could tell them everything. but i can't. because no one listens. i wish i could tell people to tell me to stop being so dramatic. i wish i could tell them to all fuck off. 040402 ... x baby_satan, you're my loinmonster 040402 ... birdmad anything everything it all comes out wrong anyway 040402 ... pheather if i say it then, it's not can't anymore. that i crave blather_sex badly. so i just said it. 040402 ... 10waysToDie that guy friend of mine you're so worrried about? i fucked him a few weeks ago, after i only knew him for a week. maybe even less then that. and thats not all, it was a 3way. me and him and that girl you're so freaked about me knowing. and it happened on two seperate occasions. and a lot of other stuff happened too, including me going and fucking you and ten going to his place and giving him a blowjob. and now i'm completely fucking obsesed with him and it makes me sick. all i want to do is look at him and touch him and curl up on his couch with him. and i don't feel bad about any of this. not a single thing. 040402 ... ambermoon i can say that you make me feel like sreaming at the top of my lungs i can say that i want you to hold me and never let go i can say every time i see you my heart races and i feel dizzy i can say that my life has not gone the way i always wanted it to i can say that im content here with things the way they are the things that really need to be said and the the things that i really want to say... i can't. 040410 ... morrissey i can feel the soil falling over my head 040410 ... x i forgive you 040410 ... little wonder sometimes I wish we were nothing more than friends. I miss the teasing and the flirting and wondering if you really liked me or not. then one day we crossed into love and set ourselves up for failure 1200 miles apart. it's not that I regret what happened, but if we had never stepped over that line we might still be friends, and I'd like that. you were one of my best friends. the only person I could tell absolutely everything to. and then you decided we couldn't talk anymore. or maybe you didn't make that decision, it just happened. all I know is that we haven't said so much as hello since august, and I hate you for it. 040410 ... stork daddy my dad says everything is going to be alright. 040410 ... Syrope i could write my life story on this page. i dont even know how to deal with how i feel right now. something inside me is going to break. whether i'll leak tears or blood i don't know just yet. 040411 ... her royal highness the quirk exactly what i think of you 040411 ... ostrich am i delusional? or is there something intense between us? 040412 ... LS I'm going to miss you terribly, you know. 040412 ... the nights child I'm not sure if I'm in love with you anymore 040413 ... pete i dont know what you are saying. who you are saying it too. each word resounds inside me. it echoes and grows. i feel afraid. i feel small. i feel. two nights past i felt my skin breathe. i want to hatch. like this: http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/art/m/e/melodypena/hatch_llama_gry_bkgrnd.gif.html. what is this world? where will it carry me? you? us? all of us. perhaps you were right. the more i read the more the past words light in my eyes. i never asked for a seer, a prophetess. but i wont fight it. just don't say the cold words: "spare no one; put them all to death, men and women, children and babes in arms, herds and flocks, camels and donkeys" (1sam15:3). the killing of the soul will continue, but like the camel trees each time my head falls, it will grow up again, only a little to the left, a little to the right. what i want to say but cant. i guess i am saying it. typing it. feeling it. the world on its knees. the mind outside its bounds. can your words be true, but not so damaging? can i be wrong in my application of them? of my internalization of what i percieve. perhaps they are meant elsewhere, and all will be well. perhaps and perchance. for the life of me... i cannot remember.. that is one of those songs that echo in my mind, though i never really knew it until i heard it a year ago. let it be. silence. ta biblia calls. the book. saul must slaughter and will fail to kill them all. david will be annointed. the two ancient mafia's will battle for the crown of israel. david will sleep with his general wife, and impregnate her. he will have his general killed, he will marry her wife. that child (or is it the one who came next from her?) will become solomon. after solomon the kingdom will spilt into israel and judah, and i will be into 1kings. will this happen here too? these stories, these religious histories.. they can be used as metaphors. pardes holds true. the merkavah was in the sky. for moving as one, each with four heads, four wings, so gracefull, so bright. not birds but more than that. the merkavah. on it sat the likeness of the image of the spirit of god, or so said ezikiel before he preached the fall of judah. like so many others. jerusalem was doomed. i am glad i believe it in a different light than those who take this book, ta biblia, religiously. i would be more afraid, divinely afraid, if i took it as they did. i would cry for the day of my birth, as did job. enough, i digress greatly. i still spell it wierd. speak to me. don't let the uncomfortable times come yet again.. please. i will try to disallow it, but two need to fight the falling curtain, it is too heavy for me alone. hello can you hear me? see me. feel me. the whisper was heard by none "i feel like im drowning on love" but may now be pronounced by many. come_back 040413 ... shivers i love you and im dont what happend but it will be ok dont let things change my body and my mind are two different things beware 040529 ... megan i wish i could say aloud to you "fuck you! fuck you for having two lives and only showing me one! fuck you for being two-faced and a liar, and fuck you for making me feel loved! fuck you for fucking me and leaving me after 2 fucking years, and fuck you for not being there like you said you would. fuck you for fucking around on me! fuck you for being so fucking shallow! fuck you for not understanding how to have a relationship, and fuck you for fucking over my trust. i want to hate you, i truely do, because that would probably make it a helluva lot easier on me, however, i'm having trouble with that part since it's just sinking in just how horrible you treated me even when it seemed like you were giving me the world. you have made me a bitter person, and i hate you for that. you make me cry even after you told me you'd be the one to dry all my tears. you never felt like i did, you never loved me most, and you never will. and fuck you for making me think that." i wish i could burn every remaining shard of you, if only for a little while, so i can just fucking get over you completely. i don't think you really understand what you did to me. gah 040529 ... shaq attack! The slitted sheet, the sheet I slit. And on the slitted sheet I sit. 040529 ... spiffy there are so many things. so many things that i keep inside. sometimes it's as simple as a just an opinion. something i would like to add to the conversation. that gets annoying, but i can handle that. there are other things, bigger things, they are just SCREAMING to get out. but i don't let them. i just can't. i am too afraid. afraid of what others might think. afraid that i will scare away people that i care about and don't want to lose. i am afraid even here to say certain things. i want to, but i can't. people will judge me. 040627 ... delial "goodbye." 040627 ... Doar let me be the person you turn too, I could state that you would never be hurt by me, Only delighted to hear my voice, as I could hear the sudden happiness when you pick up the phone and realize it is my voice. You could treat me more fairly than you have been, I've realized you are nothing like a mature woman, You are still stuck in the "Hangin with the boyz, and chillin wit ma girlz" phase of your life. It actually makes me physically repulsed when these words pour out of your mouth. But I will never tell you that, because honesty is something you never could handle. 040708 ... love & hate you are my soulmate for eternity... 040709 ... witchesrequiem There are a few people I would love to tell to fuck off... b/c they are shitty friends..and stabbing you in the front is still stabbing.. 040709 ... spiffy i have this sudden urge to go out into the street and shout as loudly as i can something completely random like, "the wallabies are coming!! RUN!!!" but of course i won't. 040709 ... dudeinanigloo Can I have the car tonight? 040720 ... Jess I love Dudeinanigloo! 040807 ... Splinty You're beautiful, you're so beautiful. You're my angel. And you just called me angel yet you have no idea what that means to me. A star fell down and cut me and now I have glitter in my lap. Stiil you remain. I'm just waiting for the happiness to shatter. It won't be long. It never is. 040807 ... smurfus rex would you just fucking pick ME already? I mean, you know I'd wait forever, but jesus... 040808 ... misstree right now, i need you. 040808 ... alwys fleeting fancy is fine, but closure is owed to all situations. this attrition is killing me. let's tie off, please. 050430 ... never every time i think about you, i wonder why we cant stare into each other's eyes any more, how did it end between us without a word. I think it was that our lives were moving at different paces, or maybe that you're a superficial bitch who can't understand that you dont need to go to college or have finished school to be a meaningful human being. I should have showed you. 050430 ... evelyn is not real what was the point of it all? was it all some elaborate scheme? a joke? "let's see if she believes me, then drop it all and say i love someone else!" was that it? why'd you pick me as the victim? i'm not even a guy. ...and then you wonder why i walked away. you think you're the one who was rejected here? that's interesting. why, you ask? because I never stopped loving you. you never even started to love me. 050607 ... if living is theproblem well thats just baffling you didn't check for stds before I came to see you. I did. Somehow I feel cheated. I love you. Why didn't it occur to either of us to have YOU tested? Why just me? What am I going to do now? You keep moving away from me. You try to make me leave, and then you pretend that you never wanted me gone. You want us to be "very close" but you want to be the one to choose at what time, or what day, that we can be close. you put that blank angry look on your face and play videogames or go online and I am dismissed. not allowed. somehow you think this is fair. I've wondered. I wonder when you'll grow up. no, growing up doesn't mean you have to be an asshole or listen to bad music. growing up doesn't mean you have to become your mom or your dad or stop having friends. Just thought I should clear that up for you. You don't even have to get married or have kids. when are you going to start living the way you say you want to? When are you going to realize what love IS? When will you stop being afraid? 050608 ... . FUCKINGSHITBASTARDCUNT - there, that wasn't so difficult now, was it? 050609 ... *Amy* I prefer stay at home that go to my cousin`s marrige. everything will suck, and my sister is not going to be there. I will feel uncounfortabe and I will want to runaway from my family. I want to through up all the things I`ve heard about this party and forget everything. If only I could be far away. 050609 ... alexander i'm sorry it ended like it did you're still very beautiful.. I've always thought so.. I want you by my side.. but I know I'm disgusting. I know I'd stray. I know I'm not fit to touch the hem of your garment. I know that I'm not ready. I miss you so much.. and I'm so sorry I hurt you. I wish you'd just stay with me and let me be selfish. I wish I could treat you like all the other evil people in life. But I can't. The only good path left is to let you go and make you hate me. It's the only way to save you. I'm sorry I'm such a monster. I love you. ----- I don't care anything about you. I want to have sex with you. That's it. I could care less about what you say or how you say it. You're playing a game with me, that much is clear. But you don't know that you can't win. After all your games.. the only way you can win against me is not to play. I'm an angel and the devil sweetheart.. I'm so fucking destroyed you can't even comprehend. I want to fuck you and leave you behind. I'll probably even make fun of you afterwards. You fucking disgusting weakling. ------------ I don't even remember you anymore. You're like some idol or legend from the past. You're some sort of false altar that I've built the tragedy of my life around. I crowd around a memory of your beauty even though I can't remember what it looked like. You could have been a monster. But all I've got left is a scabbed festering gem of nostalgia to love, now that you're gone so very far away. I don't know what to think about you, Nikki. I can't even say your name because I'm afraid of who will know. I'm such a coward. I deserve to lose you too. But I would die if I could just have another year with you. Just one.. to know if you were really the love of my life.. to know if I'm wasting my breath on everyone else. Because I feel like you were my soul-mate. And I snapped you in half. I miss you everyday. I love you still. Every single day I think about you. It's been eight long years, darling. 050808 ... you know me I still love you. I honestly don't know what my answer would be if you asked me to run away with you, to leave this life, this family, and be with you instead. You would leave behind a family of your own as well... We would be complete jackasses to even consider such things, but I don't know what I would do if you asked. 100119 ... . God, I want to be loved like that. Would you run away with me? 100119 ... In_Bloom I'm afraid you'll betray me. Your past says you won't The present is a new world though For you it's angry new world What if you decide to hedge me against your accumulated hurts? What if you tell me one day no one will ever be good enough- me, not good enough 100119 ... . I can't even bring myself to say here. 100120 ... . I can't even bring myself to say here. 100120 ... alexander sometimes I think that you don't love me and then I realize that even if you did i wouldn't know what it felt like it would probably repulse me like something strange and alien something that I laud and cast aside the reality of i don't want love i want adoration not you but a sycophantic point of view a slave a servant a fucking cowering beast i am a calculating conflaguration of steel and rust and metal i'm going to profess that i just to be warm but that's not true i want more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine more wheels in the machine 100206 ... three words teleport_massive what_i_want_to_say_but_can't what_can_i_do 110509 ... Glory Box Let me touch you just a little, let me in, closer closer chase me sometimes, come and find me come sit near me i'll breathe you in. 150529 what's it to you? who go blather from