distanced unhinged they like to act like it is my fault that i wanted to continue my life. that i got out and they didn't. that i'm not stuck there anymore. but what else was i supposed to do when i was nailed down dying while still reaching out to all their pain trying to help them and they were deaf, complacent, satisfied in their current holes? you were the ones that threw me away. i never asked for a damn thing. you asked, i gave. until i was a shadowed skeleton, i gave. and then when i learned the difference between selfish and self_need, when i turned to myself instead of you for all the shit that never came back my way, there were wide eyes and so many questions. so many assumptions. i wasn't going to go any lower than i already was. and i pulled myself back out. I. IIIIIIII. all on my own. 'how does it feel to know that we've left you on your own?' from such a far distance, it's expected, familiar, healthier. i never asked you for anything. and i never got anything back in return. 030916 ... Afar I no longer trust words to communicate what is true to me. So many times have I tried to speak of how I feel, or what I seek, only to despair at the realization that others cannot grasp my meaning, in spite of what have at times felt like optimal word-choices. In all fairness, I sense my struggle to understand them reciprocally has been equally futile. In and of itself, I have begun to accept this, but the frustration is that others do not do so also, and demand I explain myself to them. They expect that it should simple for me to express myself effectively, given my seemingly adequate command of the language. [I wanted to elaborate more on this point but, having retyped my thoughts six times to no avail, pass instead onward.] I feel more and more isolated, more and more unable to communicate in this hyper-communicative world. I know language is great for some things, and obviously the madman within me sits here, typing, typing away while proclaiming typing's futility. It's a meagre consolation I am trying to grant my isolated, confounded self. Yes, many of us face existential crises; no, none of our existential crises are probably very similar. For some it stems from a shortage of this; from others, an excess of that. One man's trash is another man's treasure - that much is certain! Yet I find little of either; I can no longer discern one from the other. This world feels more and more alien. Hell, it *is* alien. The gadgets in their ears, bedazzled chatter about media iconography, everyone's taking pills for their depressions, et cetera; this is not my homeworld. So many little points of estrangement that I cannot count. I am buried in sand. Ah, but there is a hope within, a dream within, an intangible sense within that something transcendental cometh. I am trying to be patient. After a decade of struggling to force this transcendence I see now that one can only do so much, but there is something greater within that urges me on, on, on into the somethingness. Everything I augur points toward a requisition I shall only find after departure from this physical realm I see before me. I have tried letting go of this latter idea again and again, hoping that things might improve if I let go of everything, hoping that I might find contentment if I resign to the emptiness of it all. Yet the life force thrusts this metempsychotic idea at me ever anew, refreshing my madness... and in turn, my optimism. 071017 ... pete not enough time, in this age of speed, can disconnect our bodies from the space beneath our feet (or wheels) 071017 ... fix futile |?fyo?tl; -? adjective Incapable of producing any useful result; What would be a good result whilst you are alive today? If you don't understand yourself then you have very little hope that others will understand you. I fully concur with what you have said, and I don't feel like you are the only person that struggles to be understood. Not being understood is what true loneliness is; it is a separation from the world you try to interact with. When I feel lonely and misunderstood by human beings I go quiet and try to find my connection with nature, this is very soothing because you come to realize that you are a part of everything that exists, you are not infact separate from anything. If wanting to be understood by humans is something that makes you feel more whole and alive, the best thing to do is try to mix with likeminded people, and to try to find a closer connection and understanding of the world. At the same time it is best to try to interact with people that don't understand you because if you don't you are leaving them behind and rejecting them from a cycle or a certain intelligence that they also would long to be a part of. People will continue to fight, bang, scream and demand, where you will find your full strength is a place where you do not falter in you beliefs and feelings, keep the quietness with in you and never let it go. People lose themselves in what we call a rat race, they forget that they breathe in Oxygen from the trees and give back CO2 as a thank you or a gift. People struggle to pay their bills and don't really have time to think, "i am alive". If the world was to start again, the best place to start is from simplicity, what are the vital things we need to be healthy and happy, rather than plan out your life’s achievements before you have even passed go. The imbalance in this world is how people have forgotten what is most important, people tend to struggle not because of their own failure to be a part of the system we have created for ourselves but because they are a fly caught in a spiders web with no clue how big the web is or how to get out and fly away. The only way the world could make a turn around is if everyone changes and try’s to be more understanding towards one another without only thinking of themselves. The other option is to join a small commune where you have a heightened connection with like minded people, however this goes against the bigger truth that we are all part of the bigger whole so to distance yourself from the real world could in fact be a selfish and a weak action. It is a big struggle to stay strong and silent from within but it is also a very big challenge, which will help you. This is why Buddhism teaches to accept the dark as well as the light simply because it is the truth, it is the reality of this world. I always dreamed of a day where the black was taken out of the Ying Yang but I think we humans have a long way to go, so I will not see it in my life time yet I do believe strongly that one day humans will reach an intelligence that will create an environment blissful to live in. Keep hope inside you and peace within. "Ay, there's a rub" ! 071017 ... unhinged silent_and_roaring the second time it happened to me, he didn't listen. when i asked him to stop he said 'i see what game we're playing here' he was too strong. there was no hope of fighting back. i just layed there, silent, with my face in the pillow praying that it would end. that he would finally finish and get off of me. my mind disconnected from my body. not to anywhere in particular, just away and kind of numb. for weeks afterwards, my mind floated away, above me, numb. for about a year afterwards, i couldn't meditate. when i put my mind back in my body, the tears welled up and wouldn't stop. i remember his eyes. there was something flat and dangerous in them. it's the first thing i look for when i meet men, it's the first thing i run from. years later and other numerous but smaller violences under my belt, i find myself seriously contemplating giving up on men all together. testosterone at high levels doesn't seem good for me. 120807 what's it to you? who go blather from