silent_and_roaring Ouroboros your cries were so loud and yet it was silent 120806 ... Ouroboros the room pitch black but i could see your face, your naked body. 120806 ... Ouroboros my hands empty claws, my arms leaden weights, my body tense and numb. 120806 ... Ouroboros i looked over your right shoulder toward the door and stared at the ceiling 120806 ... Ouroboros 100 lbs more than me, weight fully on top of me, hard to breathe but just part of the silence 120806 ... Ouroboros sarah, touch me please! sarah, why won't you speak- say something! and all the while crying sobbing fucking me you were 120806 ... Ouroboros last night i shook and shook- jaw trembling, whole body shaking, limbs and head moving on their own- i puked and puked the trauma out of me, what you did out of me. 120807 ... yikes wow.. are you ok? 120807 ... Tourist !!!???!!! 120808 ... Ouroboros that happened. mostly i forget about it but my_body_remembers and i find myself trapped and triggered and scared without warning 121025 ... Ouroboros healing from this trespass is still happening. it's mostly gone- i don't shake or leave my body like i did a year ago. i can't say sex is my favorite activity. and i am scared of men, of being attacked, every day. 130627 ... unhinged *hug* after what has happened to both of us, and then that poor girl from west virginia that made national news for getting violated by those football players and the video being all over the internet, those other girls from canada and california that had the same situation but none of the adults in their lives did anything so they killed themselves.... this is a problem. too many girls i know have been raped. why do some men think that it is acceptable to use and violate women for sex? after the last time, the back seat of his car in the park cornered by two guys, thinking to myself 'well sucking dick is better than getting full on raped or getting a black eye' and practically running home when i finally recognized where i was and could get out of the car, i tenaciously attached myself to any guy that seemed even the least bit gentle. you were gentle i didn't have a single trembling of fear when you touched me kissed me fucked me my instincts immediately recognize men that would hold me down corner me in the back seat of a car whisper all kinds of excuses in my ear you were gentle never for a moment did any of that cross my mind so i could actually come with you because i trusted you i don't think you have any idea how much it hurt me when you told me you thought i was no_big_deal that i didn't try to contact you for a month because i trusted you with something i can't trust most people with but to you it was some casual no_big_deal heart_pang i cried every day for weeks when i tried to do shamatha i was trying to use you fucking you as a way to forget but trauma has a way of catching up with you when you least expect, want (my instincts know who not to trust but sometimes my inherent belief in basic_goodness wins out when it shouldn't) the reality is we were not compatible but you made me feel safe when i wanted to flee you meant so much more to me than i ever did to you my heart still hurts healing from this when i still can't say no when i should just doesn't seem possible unless i'm completely alone. i'm so sad and lonely. it seems trite to even write it here for the millionth time. there are too many of us, scared, trembling, triggered, afraid to have or disliking sex. trembling like a rabbit in the shadow of a hawk 130627 ... unhinged (i still cry occasionally during shamatha. i still have no desire to have sex with men. i still seriously lack trust for most of the men in my life. i still need to be alone) 130914 ... Ouroboros still. i want my love of sexual contact back, not a weak flame going out at the thought of wind. 130914 ... unhinged (i don't want sex i want affection) 130916 ... Ouroboros the most important event in changing my life and kick starting my healing and evolution. 131224 ... unhinged i still havent learned the lesson enough to follow through. i really should know by now any guy that hops into bed with me doesnt want to be emotionally invested. i should say no. but ive said no numerous times in the past and it didnt matter. i might as well get myself to a nunnery. 131225 ... Ouroboros I really regret not even considering reporting this . May be one of the biggest regrets of my life. 140320 ... Ouroboros Although I can still file a police report: there's no limit of time on reporting rape. He could be arrested and given probation, prison time up to 8 years, anger management classes, or fines up to $10,000. It would show up on every background check for the rest of his life that he was arrested for rape, and/or convicted of a felony charge of rape. He would be required to be a registered sex offender for the rest of his life. 140320 ... Ouroboros bastard. dumping your messy emotions literally into my body. foul, pathetic, evil. you took what you wanted and blamed me for it, took no responsibility. you raped someone you claimed to love. you became that which you despised. you dirtied me and dirtied yourself. this wasn't a learning experience for me asshole- this was you raping me because you had no other way to make yourself feel less broken, feel less alone. fragmented you were, so you fragmented me to make yourself whole. that's some black magic shit right there. not grey but black. you could have hated me, been angry with me, but that raping me was an option for you fills me with disgust and fear. who are you actually? who was this man i was so close with for years? not who i thought he was. i pray you don't do this to anyone else, and i pray that i never see you again ever. seeing you last spring was just awful- you make me sick and frightened for my life. your legacy lives on. 140916 ... epitome of incomprehensibility I didn't see this here in March. I wish I had better answers, that if I were your friend close by I could be there to sit down and listen if you wished. I can't try to determine whether you "should" make a report or not, because there are multiple factors to consider: first of all yourself, what that would mean for you, whether a sense of finality and justice, or reliving trauma, or both, and how that might all balances out. Then there would be the factor of others' safety and well-being; I wouldn't rate his very high in my considerations. ...and this is from the perspective of someone who's been on the side of hurting others, both by words and by hitting people in the past. And who didn't venture to say anything when a girl at my summer camp said she was sexually abused by an ex-boyfriend; she went on by saying they were drunk and it didn't matter - clearly it mattered or she wouldn't be telling it the way she was - and I took that statement as an excuse not to pursue the subject, also rationalizing that I wasn't popular so I wouldn't be welcomed if I tried to get her to say anything further. Maybe it wouldn't have been a good idea for me to open my mouth anyway, me being monstrously selfish and tactless back then. But this isn't about me. Stay strong, and keep finding support and healing. I've always liked your blathes. You have a precise and evocative way with words - imagism high-def as HD (Hilda Doolittle = high definition = a well-defined image). 140916 ... tail-devouring snake e_o_i thanks. i'm not going to report, just continuing my healing and moving forward... 140917 ... flowerock I was married to a man who treated me this way. I think there was realove between us but that he was just sincerely sick and damaged. Some people just are. Mental emotional physical invasions. I went to the hispital, torn inside and out. The nurses should have told me to do something about, instead they scolded me for being reckless and sinful. I Don the know what to consider "rape" I felt raped but by my partner, my husband... I allowed him to live with me and be a part of me. When I finally stopped allowing it and left my life changed and I am finding myself happier and more relaxed. I still am inexpressible and a little closed up sexually and just not very flexible about it. Luckily I have a beautifulover who makes me feel loved and safe. Ever so slowly I am really opening and wanting to embrace sec and my body again. My whole body not just sexually but in general. I am working to be healthy again inside and out. 140917 ... unhinged https://www.yahoo.com/health/nearly-19-of-female-college-freshmen-will-be-119437338867.html 150521 ... tail-devouring snake rape taken took shattered trust shattered self parts of the whole are missing 180319 what's it to you? who go blather from