triggered unhinged blather is well aware of my foibles. they have been spelled out here for over a decade. i have smoothed many of them over, learned how to control them, but they are still there. habits, tendencies, genetics. i love my father. in many regards, i couldnt have asked for better. but his constant and vocal denial of my depression as a medical condition has been far from helpful. it really isnt a matter of just doing something. (its been a long time since i let this shit stop me from doing things. the lingering shadow of those weeks of my undergrad where i did nothing but sleep, the months where i cultivated my scar_garden ... my current self cant allow that anymore) my ways of self destruction are quieter now. the ways i inflict harm on myself are more subtle. i think there is a cycle to it. when, how, why i get depressed. i think sometimes events or situations set it off. i think sometimes i can ignore it or dont notice it (which is probably a good thing). i have a chronic illness that never goes away. admitting that to myself has been hard. i am currently in the midst of a severe fit of illness. when i was young i wouldve attributed it to him leaving me, not as a bout of illness. now i realize that being suddenly and deafeningly alone was just a trigger. maybe i couldve changed the relationship in such away that the end couldve grown into something other than what it is now. maybe i didnt want him to ever know this part of me. i stumble through this thick black fog. it is beyond just doing something. but this too will pass. (it has been a long time since i felt this bad) 140801 ... unhinged this place and my life in it to stay open but safe at the same time trying_to_find_a_balance tears are constant now sorespot tonglen (should be universal and secret) 140803 ... unhinged damn hormones fuck you uterus sometimes it just feels good to cry the conundrum of that is frustrating 160208 what's it to you? who go blather from