photographic_memory unhinged i look up when i'm remembering things cause i'm searching for the image in my head look up to remember down to forget 090223 ... unhinged eyes_cast_down 090223 ... jane ive always been jealous of people with a photographic memory. school was so much easier for them. 090223 ... unhinged yeah....school was kinda easy for me. my brother still throws fits about how easy school was for me. physics, calculus, and electronic music theory on_the_other_hand were not easy for me, no matter how photographic my memory. language, words, spelling, reading all super easy. just another reason why i should have been left_handed 090223 ... ungreat the things i would give to have the gift my mother has. i would love to remember... 090224 ... unhinged i have spent much of my life, time and money, trying to forget 090224 ... unhinged and_then this_song or smell or shirt reminds me of you and a slide show of memories passes by my open glazed eyes the way you grabbed my hand and massaged it your socks, the way you sat on the futon and your socks, the toes of them peeked out pushing clothes down the laundry chute when i was a kid my mother freaking about cleaning the house 'put your clothes down the chute; i'm not going to run all over for your dirty clothes' and when i got older and i had to do the laundry pulling clothes out the bottom of the chute when it was stuffed full pulling and pulling so hard that when the pants or shirt finally gave way i stumbled back into the washer and dryer and the creepy drain underneath the stationary tub old, black, dank my cat would chase centipedes in the basement the hum of the dehumidifier i thought of the laundry chute for the first time in a long time yesterday when he took me to his new studio space after work something about the look of the place reminded me of my childhood home milk chute laundry chute crawling under the coats in the front closet to get the mail out of the mail chute chutes chutes everywhere the last time i drove past that house it looked old, run down and me and my dad looked at each other both with a little shock and sadness the yard in disrepair that my parents spent so much time manicuring in the gross thaw mud time of spring no green just brown and grey everywhere and it was sad not the house i grew up in someone else's 090224 ... unhinged you reached in close which didn't happen the tequila in my brain dampening my flight response 'what are you doing?' and your hand reached for my seatbelt as your lips reached for my mouth my lips met yours hungrily you pulled away 'come back' i pulled you back in and you pulled away repeatedly the traffic light changed colors again and again until finally i said 'i think you should go away now' i asked you to drive safely and got out of the car you rolled down the window and said something to me 'go away now' and you got pulled over after you left me on the curb i felt guilty for pushing you away when i should have made you stay (turns out you didn't remember pulling me in first) 090225 ... unhinged we were on the wharf feeding beady eyed gulls walking everywhere foreign smells i could feel my shoulders pulled up to my ears my feet shuffling the reflex to disconnect from myself still too strong and then you grabbed my hand and i was exactly where i wanted to be people at the diner looked at me weird maybe i looked obviously distressed but where i come from no one cares when you look obviously distressed i put my sunglasses on when we were together hoping to disguise the obvious ring of tears in my eyes my voice mostly didn't crack i don't think i squeezed too hard you dropped me off at the airport i got my ticket went through security wandered all the concourses called my mother and finally there was nothing left to distract me from my tears i sat on the floor against the wall in a stinky strange airport near the bathrooms no less and cried no one cared or maybe we just think we remember (i used to convince myself all the time when i was a kid a lost library book, anything misplaced i imagined it in my head exactly what it looked like, where it was but there it was not) 090315 ... unhinged or when i listened to recordings of my orchestra performances, if i sat on the inside, i could remember where the page turn was when i listened to it but as i got older, i realized the value of destroying a memory like that 090315 ... unhinged we were both flying to our separate lives far away so i waited at your gate tears in my eyes you told me to go away i think because you were getting tears in your eyes but i made it just in time to hug you and then they called your row i waited until i saw your face pass from my sight your lips set in a straight line the beginning of a long journey to your life half way across the world i walked through the airport to my gate feeling you get farther away with every step that was the last time i cried on parting with you i am used to it now the gut_wrenching it doesn't cause the same tugging it used to tingling in the nose the precursor to tears cause you always come back one of the only to always come back then again we share blood that's what blood does 090320 ... unhinged ( gutwrenching ) 090320 ... . . 090320 ... unhinged there was a boy in my computer class when i was a freshman in high school still not sure what it is that attracts one person to another i blushed to think of him the last day of class i walked behind him like i always did to enjoy the view still i am a sucker for last times that one more poignant than others because my parents were moving us to a cow pasture town 45 minutes away where i was convinced there was not even one single cute boy so i stopped for a moment when he turned to the right like he always did to cut through the library my eyes the shutter the way his baggy khaki cargo shorts hit below his knee his backpack slung over one shoulder ambling to class not caring if he was late some cheesy kodak ad line in my head and i walked to class eyes_cast_down quick steps i didn't want to be late 090321 ... unhinged or the catfight in the lunch room that same year the gutter rat girls that lived near the mall with their poufed bubble bangs thick horizontal striped polo shirts and frosted jeans big hoop earrings thick eye liner girls i generally didn't stare at because a long gaze usually resulted in an insult or taunt barked from their gunky pink lips my cousin was the one that fought girls like that i just blushed eyes_cast_down but that day everyone stared there was some commotion at the door one girl was hopping around yelling her hands at her ear turns out she took one of her earrings out and stabbed the other girl in the neck with the post of it once it was stuck in she tried to pull down dragging the post of her earring down and even the people who were egging on the fight quieted down when the teachers finally pulled them apart and there was blood on the ground we turned back to our sandwiches and shrugged i tried not to look at girls like that 090321 ... unhinged dangerous stop_it_stop_it_stop_it sitting on the side of the bed him laying behind asked me what was wrong 'i already told you what was wrong. i told you to stop and you didn't' i punched his arm weakly when i said the word stop i wanted to beat him in the fucking face but he was too strong i should have told him to get the fuck out of my house but i let him stay he went away eventually anyway i lay beside him tears rolled down my face into the pillow he got a phone call and left eventually anyway the next day i went to the locust street festival and ran into renato 'hey what's up? you look like something is wrong' 'i don't want to talk about it' 'oh well...alright.' i was at the co_op stall getting a veggie brat. 'those are really good' he said 'everything at the co_op is' 'yeah. true. well, i'll see you at work. gotta go' and he left i couldn't figure out where they were playing too many drunk people too much noise i walked back across the locust street bridge to the east side of the river crying behind my sunglasses no one noticed or no one cared i curled up in my bed that still smelled like him and wanted to be his fucking face in 090324 ... unhinged beat 090324 ... unhinged (it won't go away; i just want it to disappear. more of a curse than a blessing) 090324 ... unhinged we had assigned seats in class so he sat in the row next to me just behind me a little and his leg wiggled and wiggled when i talked about him at lunch me and my friends called him foot jiggle boy our old math teacher strict like a drill sargent with a hungarian accent was teaching us trigonometry (how to graph sine curves cosine, secant, cotangent graphing calculators i always pushed the wrong buttons) and in the corner of my eye all i could see was his jiggling foot i sucked at trig a couple years after we graduated i ran into him and he didn't recognize me not even a little flash in his eyes we kept walking in opposite directions i said nothing 090325 ... unhinged the action of goodbye i was not with sam that night the why of that evades me i think it was because she was upset that we weren't spending time together so i told him i needed to hang with her so many strings to cut i had planned it for months i bought a gold brocaded journal of handmade paper the paper rough and pulpy with little pieces of flowers the genus indistinguishable but the pieces on top like they were stuck there after the paper was formed and i went through my other journals (mostly hand_copied versions of things i'd written here afraid that maybe blather might disappear) and selected each one the parts of me maybe he didn't know the parts of me i wanted him to know the parts he held inside of me when he held me so tight and wouldn't let_go even back then i recognized that we were like two pieces of the same puzzle two sides of the same coin some equally trite analogy for that where you see yourself reflected in someone else so i filled an entire journal hand written with my words and then filled an entire blank card both sides to explain it we drove out to boardman where he was the manager at a pizza shop but when we got there angelo was there with his girlfriend i didn't want anyone else to be there when i gave it to him so i handed it over shyly 'i made this for you' eyes_cast_down angelo looking with a sly smirk everyone else never got it assumed i wanted his ass cause he was a rockstar when really all it came down to was i knew exactly how he felt and wanted him to know he wasn't alone ( roughdraft ) his music made me feel like i wasn't alone at some of the worst moments of my life just wanted to return the favor he opened the journal then the card 'damn dude. you couldn't just write 'i'll miss you'?' his characteristic asshole way of shrugging it off or maybe it was the heroin talking angelo snickered i shook my head barely mouthed the word 'no' he looked down at the counter, the journal then looked at me and the soft crumble in his eyes that i knew i was priviledged to see 'no one has ever made me something like this i'll read the card later. promise' he took it out to the car so it wouldn't get ruined in the kitchen he always tried so hard to hide that look in his eye but i think i might have been one of the few people that knew it his sad look heroin_doll with the big brown eyes always quick with the lies shut_the_door so they can't get in and then maybe you won't get hurt again 090401 ... unhinged his blue green camaro and older one more angular how before i lived in the cramer house when i walked from the 62 busstop outside the union to the cramer house someone had one just like it same color same year and everytime i walked past it i looked at the license plate to make sure it wasn't yours 090401 ... unhinged the cramer house before i lived there no job dropped out of grad_school living on the savings from my college graduation take the 62 from the corner of prospect and capitol to the stop outside the union, kenwood walk three or four blocks west one and a half blocks south which sucked when it was raining, snowing the way his head peeked out like a gopher when he was opening the door he was sweet, clean, straight so of course i wasn't attracted to him and the thought didn't even cross my mind until one of the first times he got drunk and all the other guys ditched him because he wasn't a professional drunk like them he was not just a little drunk he was sloppy fall down liquid courage drunk i got him a glass of water made sure he didn't choke himself with the stupid cape they tied around his neck took his glasses off his face and put them on top of his dresser we were sitting on the futon in the dining room together he kept saying 'i need to tell you something' and i kept hoping he would be too drunk to remember he kept saying 'i need to tell you something' so i diverted him by taking care of him but he followed me into his bedroom when i took his glasses from him and spilled it 'do you know what i'm going to say?' i grimaced a bit, but maybe he didn't see since i took his glasses from him 'yes, i do' 'i thought you might cause you're smart' he slurred his words, he couldn't stand up straight 'go ahead and say it if you have to' 'i do. i have to.' he may have tried to put a hand on my shoulder but not in a sexual way he was still a virgin he wasn't like that 'i like you. i mean LIKE you. did you think that was what i was going to say?' i nodded 'yeah. we will always be friends sean' his mood lurched from excited, nervous to upset 'oh, i shouldn't have told you. don't hate me now. you are taking such good care of me. don't hate me for telling you' first time drunk 'i don't hate you sean. we will always be friends.' emphasis on the word friend, a step towards the kitchen because suddenly his bedroom seemed like a bad place to be 'ok. good.' 'let's get you some more water.' 'yeah. more water.' we ended up roommates lived together for almost two years and maybe it was unfair of me knowing he felt that way about me to live with him he was the best roommate i've ever had 090402 ... unhinged i was at the burger place around the corner from my house getting dinner talking to you on the phone waiting for my carry out cartoon cats everywhere a family establishment and probably not the place to have that conversation you_said 'what he did to you is wrong. the law says so. you know that right?' eyes_cast_down my lips barely formed the word 'yes' tears couldn't come i was already numb from it we talked and i kept my eye on the kitchen window waiting for food to come up or eyes_cast_down trying not to talk too loud in my heart i was scared, angry i left those mattresses on the curb when i moved out of that house within hours someone had come and taken them away i watched them tie the mattresses to the roof of their car and couldn't help thinking i should open the front door and tell them they didn't want to take that karma home with them 090405 ... unhinged child_elegance she already has a snotty disdain about her complaining about her milk at the restaurant from school from being the princess of the family but i talk to her on the phone for hour (s) at a time and the parts we share i'm reminded 090413 ... unhinged dreaming, frames slide by my eyelids like snapshots. something old and european about it, the way the people are dressed (woman in a long pouffy skirt, cape), a horse, maybe a carriage. in a forest. the woman is standing at the foot of a casket that is being tipped out of the carriage, two people at the foot of it, trying to catch it before it hits the ground. she is looking at them, at the ground, curls covering her eyes. click scene change everything is the same, but she looks up. straight at me. with menace. like she caught me taking pictures of her tragedy, crime. my alarm clock starts sqwacking. end scene 090430 ... unhinged laying in my bed on prospect late night telephone conversation a compulsively bought plane ticket flying standby to get there on time back in the day when it was still cheaper to fly from chicago before the faa made flights out of mke cheaper to relieve the horrible retardedness that is o'hare (because sadly it really was cheaper to take a bus between milwaukee and chicago and fly from chicago) the flight attendant in milwaukee gave me flight numbers of many flights and when it turned out the first one was delayed til after the second i gave the gate agent a smile and a number at first he seemed confused but when he saw what i was doing he smiled back and said 'i think i can do that' and i ran from one terminal to another even though it was the same airline going to the same place.... she picked me up in the taurus eventually and threw the dug out in the back seat while someone i hadn't seen since high school sat in the front, wide_eyed you need to be fortified to deal with those people we_never_change the look on his face newly sober when he saw me surprised, but barely the smile (the crooked teeth) and the long awaited hug that i flew all that way for from our foreheads to our toes pressed together brought in close he wouldn't let me let_go the vicodin she dropped into my hand once again the wide_eyed look from an almost stranger it was a youngstown night after all 090502 ... unhinged honestly i_will_remember it all etched on the back of my eyelids the precious moments i had with you (and then again if i think hard enough there isn't any detail of almost any situation i can't recall it's strange really the flashes that pass by my mind's eye: my first high school cafeteria watching my dad pull up parking the car on the street in front of the house after work the way my brother's brow wrinkled together and the scar he got from pulling the iron down on his face when he was little popped out when he was upset the dinner in hawaii where the three of us ganged up on mom and she got really upset and started crying at the table the day i found out i got into coyo or the day i found out college was free (getting lobster) waking_up to my brother crying in my lap i could spend hours everyday lost in the movie of my life and sometimes i do get lost in the rewind of a few perfect moments) 090515 ... unhinged kiss_me_in_my_living_room 090515 ... unhinged after that christmas where he woke me up crying in my lap we were both at our separate lives far away and he called to talk cause he knew i had gone through it too loving an addict that needed help when really the only help would be to cut them loose because maybe the lack of you would be the only thing to sober them up i was sitting in the north facing chair at the dining room table staring into my bedroom (the door was open) i think it was the only time in our lives my brother genuinely asked me for help (not like the time i threw a rock at his face in the neighbors' backyard a few houses up and was surprised when it connected with his face, his brow split open so surprised i ran home without him crying) eventually he hung up i got up from the table and walked around into my room maybe ten steps and the weight of my heart buckled my legs collapsed i had never heard that kind of sadness, defeat in my brother's voice and it collapsed me my back slid down the wall and i cried glad my roommate was at work so i could bawl openly 090515 ... unhinged in_the_wake_of_lamentable_tides 090515 ... unhinged the second night we spent at my cousin's while i was dogsitting for her how even in her king size bed you curled up in me so close (like we were still sleeping on the couch in your parents' living room) that i couldn't breathe i was so careful at disentangling myself from you so careful i didn't wake you up usually but that night i threw your arms off me and went downstairs for a drink of water when i came back to bed you asked me if i was okay and i resented you for it you left without saying goodbye our goodbyes always were left unsaid (most of the time there isn't closure like the clean cut of a surgeon amputating the dead piece but the ragged demolition of a diy home improvement guy breaking down walls to make the room bigger) 090515 ... unhinged the second night we spent at my cousin's while i was dogsitting for her how even in her king size bed you curled up in me so close (like we were still sleeping on the couch in your parents' living room) that i couldn't breathe i was so careful at disentangling myself from you so careful i didn't wake you up usually but that night i threw your arms off me and went downstairs for a drink of water when i came back to bed you asked me if i was okay and i resented you for it you left without saying goodbye our goodbyes always were left unsaid (most of the time there isn't closure like the clean cut of a surgeon amputating the dead piece but the ragged demolition of a diy home improvement guy breaking down walls to make the room bigger) 090515 ... unhinged oops can't_sleep but i guess it's time i should 090515 ... unhinged the night you placed those words in my heart whispered_in_the_ear there is still a corner of my heart etched with your name the innocence of loving someone so much you would do anything for them the show was at the plaza i knew she would be there ( i_pleaded ) i avoided but i was going to be there for you because your eyes always smiled when you saw me at your shows and besides it was right the fuck downtown not the best place downtown but downtown nonetheless she tried to talk to me catch my eye but i pretended like i couldn't see her the best revenge on a histrionic actress i pretended like i couldn't see her the set up of that bar was stupid long and narrow so they put the stage facing the bar but offset in front of the bar so all the people standing in front of the stage got in the way of all the people that just wanted a drink but federal plaza used to be right outside the funky ass seventies cement fixtures/fountains/benches right outside the front door the road didn't go through right there so you could chill on the plaza so close to the police station that you didn't have to worry about cops catching a whiff ah the plaza sitting on the plaza outside the plaza on a summer night after a show youngstown at it's finest where i first learned to practice indifference without eyes_cast_down rather straight on in retaliation she took my usual spot right in front and used that opportunity to grind all over another girl and for the first time i couldn't move i always danced i always sang i couldn't move in between songs mike pointed at me and then lifted the corners of his mouth with his pointer fingers i shook my head my arms folded over my stomach trying to keep the tears in mike walked across the stage to you whispered_in_the_ear and you looked up at me i shook my head i felt glued to the floor and even though i tried to pretend like i couldn't see her it was too hard to ignore but i stood there anyways for you because i wanted you to know that i would wade through shit when anyone else would have walked out the door to be at your show for you because i supported the people i loved if my father would rearrange his work schedule get guys to come into work for a few hours so he could come to see my concerts i could watch the girl that tore out my heart and spit on it grind up on someone else the way she used to grind up on me (for you) to make me jealous because there was a quantum_entanglement between us that compelled me in the worst way to be there for you she walked up to me as you were tearing down with a shot she bought from the shot girl the test tube almost slipped through my fingers she may have said something but i just stared at her and almost choked on the alcohol literally my throat muscles contracted around it like i wanted to spit it out but i somehow managed to swallow it and walked away (i wasn't angry until after she chewed me up and spit me out years later in harrisburg, mechanicsburg and even then i still managed to grab her hand hug her) you were standing on the left side of the stage putting equipment into a rubbermaid container and i walked up to you to ask you for the cd i had told you i wanted for kt earlier and you just pulled me close and whispered in my ear: 'you are a special human being and i love you' i exhaled roughly in your ear tried my damnedest not to cry 'i love you too' believe me over the years i have seriously contemplated why i ever gave a fuck about you but i recall that night or i listen to your albums and i remember why it was so damn hard to let_go 090521 ... unhinged oddly i don't remember why you were at my house july sticky where we carrying stuff of mine from joseph's? i didn't move in that house in july but it feels like we were carrying things anyways we were walking to the walgreens around the corner for some cigarettes and passed a cool piece of furniture about half way down my block you wanted it for the basement bar when you lived near the airport on kansas it was a sidebar/hutch type thing with a couple missing drawers but other than that really nice antique heavy we dragged it down the block and drank up the last of the beers (or maybe we saw it when we drove up to my house yeah that's it and then afterwards went to walgreens) no more beer stopped at lemon i told you how i felt about joseph started to cry went to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall you protected me from the drunk guy trying to hit on me you threw a chair at the neighbors' house after they threw waterballoons at us back then you protected me but i'm not your girl anymore it's been months since the last time i hung out with you right now i'm all alone and i miss you us what we used to be, but are no longer 090529 ... unhinged more recently you had a show that i brought sean to it was not the best i've seen technical difficulties with that damn loop pedal maybe not enough practice *shrugs* i didn't acknowledge your girlfriend i wasn't in the mood (objectively i am aware that i am part of the problem but i have never been one to spew fake niceities talk to people i don't like if she wasn't your girlfriend i wouldn't have a word to say to her and all the other scenester_bitches she hangs with that will never be my crowd in fact i actively despise them) i stood a good enough distance away that it wasn't blatantly rude to ignore her she walked away maybe to get a drink and you slid over next to me 'so what did you think?' 'it was good, but you need more practice. show practice.' you put your arm around me eyes_cast_down 'yeah i know, you're right' 'no_no , it wasn't bad. you just need more practice. that's all.' you squeezed me but just for a second did i reach up to put my arms around your waist? or did i just lean into your sideways hug? just for a second and then you let go too soon afraid she might see the difference between you and frank frank never minded hugging me in front of his girlfriend(s) frank never minded making me the friend his girlfriend(s) hated frank never minded sticking up for me if he thought his girlfriend(s) were pissing me off but maybe that is just your way of trying to protect me still 090530 ... unhinged the way you smiled when i found you there asked me for a hug like we had always known each other or the way you grabbed for my hand when i sat down next to you on the bus on the way to our first date 090610 ... fiano we held hands for the first time on a horse and cart, around a temple we went. 090610 ... unhinged when we finally got to the hotel a block from the ocean riding in an airport van because the rental car was filled with luggage we were leaving you there after a long ass day of traveling we checked into our hotel rooms me and you walked out on the lanai and the urban flash of waikiki sprawled out below and around us lights lights lights a warm ocean breeze even in the dark night you hopped up and down the way you did before a lacrosse game 'i can't believe i am going to live here' the excitement in your voice changed the way the humidity felt on my skin i grabbed you and hugged you 'i can't either. i'm excited for you' but i was already thinking of it how it would feel to have five thousand miles between us we had just got there and i was already sad the day i left i couldn't eat breakfast because i couldn't stop crying less than a week later i got my first tattoo because i was so fucking sad at the thought of my life without you you don't have that excitement in your voice the island stole it from you come back home brother you need me, our family, more than you want to admit 090629 ... unhinged (my sister was happier back then) newlywed pregnant with her first child also the first grandchild/niece of the family all of us buzzed with excitement for nine months my sister had morning sickness throughout most of the pregnancy sitting in a restaurant she ordered something easily digestible took two bites and then turned green i was sitting across the table from her and saw on her face the exact moment her stomach turned she laid the fork on the table but by that time was used to quelling the nausea closed her eyes took deep breaths laid her hands on her belly and said 'thanks a lot.' to the baby in her belly 'i can't eat anymore.' her due date came and went her belly stuck out in front of her so far she forgot what her feet looked like her doctor decided to induce her because the baby was getting dangerously big she went to the hospital at 9am january 4th 2002 she had my niece at 6am january 5th 2002 (yes, she was in labor for 21 hours even though she was induced) we got a phone call early the only thing my sister had the energy left to say: 'she has red hair' my niece was 9 lbs 8 oz 21 inches i first laid eyes on her at around 9am her face was wrinkly and upset she was stubborn even as a fetus it was not hard to see that she was perfectly content to be unborn and the trauma and discontent of being in the world made her decidedly uhappy the red of her face from crying competed with the carrot red of her hair the presence in her eyes was that of an old soul the coincidence of the hour of her birth with the death of my grandma a few years before seemed not like a coincidence at all i was too in awe to even touch her but in those moments of standing over her hours after she was born the suicidal depression that was overwhelming my life at the time went from a deafening roar to a mere whisper with the miracle of her amazing little life before me my own life seemed infinitely more important in those same moments my heart shifted from self_sacrifice to unconditional_love there was no way i could leave a world that she was in my arielle my first cuddle_bug my baby_doll 090710 ... unhinged (a fresh one) sitting at a picnic table at the dockside restaurant michelle pointed out how someone must have used an electric drill to put the tables together because the screwheads were embedded into the untreated planks watching the sunset by the kinnickinnic river the allen bradley clock coming up like the moon in the dark ('the polish moon' he said when i said i always use it to navigate by when i'm on the southside the biggest clock in the world it's kinda hard to miss) the man holding his three foot catch while his wife took a picture near the fish cleaning room the bartender (who reminded me of my brother with his long hair, bushy beard, nice smile) and the host fighting over the radio the bartender was listening to local hip hop the host put some crap 80s and everytime he went to the front the bartender flicked it back to hip hop thank god st stanislaus (?) church the mcdonalds signs in spanish definitely a sure sign you're on the southside of milwaukee drinking for free throwing tips as we go 090805 ... unhinged made my way to the back of the bus mostly empty except for a young black kid probably 8th or 9th grade i look over and he is slobbering all over a cigar wrapper (wait; is this kid doing what i think he's doing?!) the strings of spit glinting in the sun he puts the wrap between his legs and i divert my gaze next thing i know there's green resting along the length of the wrap i knew it blunt rolling on the bus balls kid balls and he got off the bus before he was done with the job the weed still precariously unwrapped in a neighborhood where the cops are eagle_eyed and bored hope he got to smoke the thing 090825 ... unhinged urban beauty: i was taking the bus home on a wednesday morning from the south side and tuesday night ladies night with my girls the bus was going through downtown i was watching the scenery float by when i saw a mom and her little boy sitting on a building ledge at a busstop for another bus route and the mom reached over and put one of her headphones (earbud variety) in the little boy's ear the ubiquitous white ipod earbuds a mom keeping her little boy entertained at the busstop waiting for the bus at a busy eastside intersection after friday night meditation class a veggie panini and fries in a paper sack munching on the fries while i'm waiting for the bus while they were still hot a b-boy type with a hip hop hoodie and baseball cap thick rimmed glasses crossing the intersection south and west starts dancing his way across the bridge throws his hands up in the air jiggling his waist, hips, butt from side to side at the oncoming traffic spontaneous joy and/or under the influence of some good drugs 091006 ... unhinged the tree outside his window under and over the street light in the middle of the night a rainbow tree red on top orange in the middle yellow on bottom today the rain was pushing the leaves down falling spiraling the tree lawns the street the curb covered in a beautiful blanket of red, orange, yellow leaves this time next week there won't be anymore leaves on the trees just in the street the street sweepers will come and take them all away the trees will be naked again the howling wind click click clacking the branches together the snow is coming the winter is coming but for now the trees are going down in a beautiful glorious blaze 091021 ... unhinged the leaves were making beautiful blankets of mostly yellow all over the grass, sidewalk i was huddled and slow from the pain the beer, the smoke i felt the need to amble even in the cold and you jutted across the street i knew you would be faster than me when i caught up to you, you turned to me 'when was the last time you skipped?' actually i had been skipping recently the fall was my favorite when i was a little girl my absolute favorite part kicking and shuffling through the leaves 'i don't know' you grabbed my hand and we skipped to the bar i reminded you of the night we made snow angels in the quick mart parking lot the only good thing about the impending snow that i will be able to make snow angels with you again soon we had only a beer at the bar no shots i reined you in the pain made me too tired for that place all the scenester_bitches that i didn't give a fuck about being nice to we got home and you made us a drink lemonade, cider, raspberry stoli horrible i took a sip and looked at you 'i don't know how i feel about this' you were putting your hair down you laughed at me you still pretend like you don't smoke so we had to take the dog for a walk in the park to have a cigarette it was misty wet out the leaves had the glittery glint of the rain on them the dog led the way like she always does and we walked up and down the park you put your arm in mine and the three of us strolled through the park in the middle of the night the vintage rhinestone bug on the lapel of my wool coat glittered in the lights you pulled me closer to you in the chill 'your bug looks awesome right now the way it sparkles in this light' the dog dragged us home your boyfriend was awake watching tv i went upstairs to bed 091028 ... unhinged tessellations irresistible 091101 ... unhinged i was standing at the southbound busstop near my place sucking down a cigarette for the long busride to the southside when a cop car sped past lights, no sirens then another one then another, that turned left instead of going straight 'weird' i'm sure i said it out loud i talk to myself in public all the time i live in a quieter neighborhood in milwaukee i'm not used to the lights and sirens anymore i could see the bus coming a few blocks off and two young black kids came running from the direction that the last cop car went one of them had his shirt tucked in his pants they turned and saw the bus coming ran up to the stop the kid in the white undershirt's neck was covered in sweat the other kid, in a baby blue hoodie with some writing on the front sat down on the bench even though the bus was in sight i turned away from them pulled out my bus pass the three of us got on the bus walked toward the back sat down the bus didn't even pull out into traffic when a cop car came speeding up and cut off the bus everyone looked around at each other out the windows the seconds it took the cop to get on the bus seemed like hours and in those seconds i knew exactly who they were after the kid in the undershirt was antsy the kid in the hoodie was sitting on the inside of the seat stuck the cop got on the bus and i took my headphones out of my ears the kid in the white shirt stood up 'you, don't move, put your hands up' the lights on the back door were lit the kid in the white shirt ran for it the cop was still in the front of the bus ran towards the back door (?) looked at the kid in the blue hoodie 'put your hands up' the bus was dead quiet in any case, got back off the bus to run after the kid that bolted the kid in the blue hoodie, obviously the smarter of the two just stayed glued to the seat eventually the same cop got back on the bus to get him pulled him up from the seat the lights on the back door weren't lit the cop pushed the kid's face into the door and it didn't move he yelled at the kid and the kid yelled at the bus driver the lights came on and the cop pushed the kid out on the street people got up with their cell phones filming the cop arresting the kid i couldn't look the minutes seemed like hours eventually i saw the kid with his hands behind his back, cuffed the cop pushing him toward the car in front of the bus the kid in the white undershirt had left his polo shirt on a seat a brown ralph lauren polo with skinny baby blue stripes the snobby blonde college student sitting in the seat poked at it 'ew it's all sweaty. it's not THAT warm out' the day had been unseasonably beautiful, indian summer i made some comment about how i had seen the kids run up to the busstop another young black kid looked at the shirt 'eh, they probably stole something' a fratty college boy across the aisle picked the shirt up and got off the bus to give it to the cops by that time there were other cops swarming he got back on the bus 'there are a bunch of cops out there now huffing and puffing, giving each other coordinates' shortly after, the bus pulled away and all at once, everyone on the bus started talking 091109 ... unhinged there is this midwestern phenemon i've seen it in more than one state a few big cities but mostly the land is covered in farms and in all that rolling land between farms there are small 'big' cities where the people come to town for groceries to shop at the walmart mostly trucks in the parking lot flannel and overalls work boots, carhartt, dickies the mahoning valley was a fucked up oasis in the no man's land of farms that covered ohio and pennsylvania youngstown was the 'big' city people came to (not when i lived there, but she said when her mother was a kid shopping in downtown youngstown at christmas was one of her mother's fondest memories so much so she still talks about it the way the woolworth's looked at christmas time) and like a lot of the little 'big' cities in the midwest by the time i was old enough to notice the farms were turned into housing developments and strip malls subsuburban sprawl i remember coming back to ohio after i moved to milwaukee she picked me up at my parents' house and we wanted to go on an adventure so we drove up the highway to youngstown looking for him we stopped at the pizza shop he worked at at the time same franchise different store different strip mall he had to go out on a delivery 'come with me' we looked at each other 'come on. get in the car.' his girlfriend's kid's carseat in the back he set the pizzas on top lit up a cigarette when we got to the house he stuck the cigarette in the car door just like he stuck cigarettes in the pegs of his guitar she yelled at him 'don't you think you'd get a better tip if you didn't reek like cigarettes?' 'dude, i didn't throw it in their yard. chill' he came back to the car all smiles after i moved away the reunions were always all smiles i almost forgot what we looked like when i lived there i almost forgot that he was a heroin addict i almost forgot to be afraid of the phone his smile his smart ass mouth i almost forgot 091201 ... . . 091201 ... unhinged you got out of my bed in your underwear and i realized in your state of undress just how skinny, wiry you are not so apparent from the way your clothes hung on you i couldn't help but wonder why you were so skinny if coke had anything to do with it 091205 ... unhinged (he called me not long after i wrote that 091201 for the first time in years to tell me someone hacked my email and was sending out weird shit. his voice is still the same) i got on the bus and looked in the back like i always do the seat parallel to the back door was empty where i prefer to sit and when i walked to the back i saw the guy sitting sprawled out across the back seat big hoodie, baggie clothes hood up, eyes barely noticeable i glanced and chose my preferred seat didn't hold the eye_contact didn't want any trouble i was in a bad mood on my way home from a gig at the mall someone had offered me a ride home but i walked and took the bus anyways even though it was ass crack cold to prove i could take care of myself because i didn't feel like talking to church people cause i was depressed and felt like being alone i saw movement out of the corner of my eye hoodie guy from the back of the bus was standing at the top of the back stairs and when i looked him in the face i realized i knew him and a smile of recognition lit up my face 'oh! hey dude' he sat down next to me on the left talked at me convinced me to grab a beer with him and i wondered why all those months ago when we first met that i stayed with my ex 100114 ... unhinged thom_yorke 's solo album is playing in the bar stereo drinking an extra special bitter brewed in house eating a veggie burger 'were you sitting in fuel earlier? yeah. that was me. why didn't you stop in and say hey ma? i was on a mission. a mission for some food' i can feel your eyes on me when i walk 'the over the glasses is sexy. yeah yeah. the over the glasses gave me an over the boner.' the boy with the dreadlocks (is that a grill in your mouth or do you just stumble over your teeth when you talk?) tried to steal a handful of cigarettes when i offered him an open pack ( kindred on red ) and i pulled them back tamped out A cigarette and he laughed urban flamenco fades away to snowflakes and shining lights 'see you next week boodhi' 100228 ... unhinged milwaukee is definitely part of me now cause of you wanting_silence on red shambhala hip_hop she wore a mala 'i want peace of mind why you trying to get a piece of mine?' turns out she goes to the same meditation center urban flamenco fades to snowflakes and twinkling lights teaching itty bitties violin dancing to hip_hop in my free time taking the 22 across the bridge the 15 up to where i work and live dancing to hip_hop in my free time unhinged_in_san_francisco when i have the time bipolar_boys_with_guns in your basement on kansas anthony 'two fingers in the air just one time sing it for me all cause it's on your mind peace' milwaukee 100305 ... unhinged the night i met him he had the afterglow of an oxy_blanket he was honest with me even then about all of it what the tattoos meant (and i understood the impulse to get some new_ink to commemorate the horror) she called him (in retrospect his eyes were hazy) mad to hear my voice in the background and i carried that bracelet around with me in the dark parts left it in the bottom of my purse held it in my hand in the dark even when i didn't really know him six months later the universe brought him back to me i_will_remember even that first day when even it took six months for my advice to sink in even cause the first night we met i told you to dump her ass and it took us that long to run into each other again even back then i knew you were the one 100307 ... unhinged even through my headphones i heard you beeping at me looked up and the truck was pulled over in the busstop i hid behind my sunglasses bit the inside of my lip the words got stuck on the inside i couldn't let them out but distanced from it you were as sad as i was you have always had an easier time talking about it but being near me was just as hard for you your pupils were dilated but small the way only those pills can do glazed i know it when i look at you the light changed but the car wasn't moving i looked at you and your eyes were shut like so many times in the beginning of our relationship when you were scared intimidated vulnerable you shut your eyes on me i poked your shoulder 'go dude. the light is green' your eyes opened lazily your foot pushed the gas i clutched the part of the door made to hold on i hate driving with you especially when your eyes are glazed you got me where i was going you probably would have stayed and took me back if i would have asked you to i brushed you off but really i was clenched inside scared intimidated vulnerable trying so hard to hold it together you were trying to get me to tell you i would call you i didn't want to commit to that i wanted silence i wanted to get used to my life without you again 'give me a hug' i reached out to you hiding behind my big sunglasses and i grabbed on, tight 'i miss you' your foot let go of the brake and the truck rolled into the parked car in front of us bump i turned and let go for a second you mumbled something about how it was a good thing the truck wasn't diesel i had no clue what the fuck you were talking about and turned back into the hug grabbed back onto you 'yeah, i miss you' 'i miss you too' but not enough to follow through i only call when i'm drunk 100401 ... unhinged the innocence is mostly gone from him now he's a man not like the first time he came home from hawaii skinny and cocky not like the second time when he was heart_broken or the third time when he couldn't stop crying the toll of getting through those things alone was visible to me (not just the obvious gauges or tattoo pant of kabuki masks that scares little old japanese ladies) when he was a little boy his eyes glinted the necessities of life hadn't entered his schemes the mischief was always for the fun of it he was subdued especially around the crowd he hangs with the brother i used to know talked shit and threw punches with his friends he seemed almost meek that day to me in the park he is used to being the center of his universe the way he talked he seemed a little sad and disappointed that his universe was so small there little fish i got to show my brother the bay from the golden gate bridge and realize that's how my face must have looked the first time i don't miss my brother so much he's doing fine without me 100416 ... unhinged your_smile sitting on the sidewalk outside the bar drinking our beers with one of my students and her boyfriend i caught you smiling at me like it was in the beginning the smile that disappeared during your illness i remembered that smile it unsettled me and in my drunkenness i threw a 'what?!' defensive and demure your way you looked down, shook your head but your_lips were still turned up at the corners 'nothing' 100521 ... oren motographic_phemory 100521 ... unhinged almost to the last leg of my_walk little dude sitting on the curb watching the construction workers eat up the street and pour cement fixated his grandma with her cane trying to get him away crouched down his hands on his knees watching the machinery eat cement 100617 ... unhinged that girl in the coral mini dress trying to kick start her scooter the skirt creeping she stops just long enough to pull it down and a car full of young guys pulls up on her left talking at her out the windows and then poof and the boys turn out of the parking lot 100707 ... unhinged the stare_down when i asked you what the money was really for you flipped up your sunglasses and we stared at each_other long enough for my heart to skip heart_pang you gave me an orange tootsie pop and it had an indian on the wrapper 'that's good luck' i tore off the indian and put it in my purse today i went to pay for something and when i pulled out all my cards the orange indian fell on the floor i bent over to pick_it_up 100724 ... unhinged dust_it_off i called your phone and you didn't answer i had things to do i let out a frustrated sigh put on my shoes and walked out the door two blocks later i saw you leaning out of your dad's car flagging me back towards our places i turned around today as i was walking past your house you called me so many times before i thought of you and the phone rang attuned 100724 ... l o s t g i r l you kissed me so hard that i expected to taste blood on my bruised lips. and then i woke up. 100725 ... unhinged approaching_infinity 100822 ... unhinged my_turn_to_go 100901 ... unhinged i called your phone and you didn't answer i had things to do i let out a frustrated sigh put on my shoes and walked out the door two blocks later i saw you leaning out of your dad's car flagging me back towards our places i turned around 100720 the_day_you_died four_months_later i'm still caught despondent_fish 101108 ... unhinged we decided to burn one at midnight on new years eve/new years and we walked to the busy intersection i noticed a couple near the window of a bar kissing i inwardly cringed we weren't on that status anymore but being with you on that night made old sleeping feelings turn over you turned towards me at midnight unsure whether you could kiss me it was an awkward exchange but i turned my lips up towards yours at the last second pressed together for a lingering second like our lives our hearts 110106 ... . eye debt I_c 110106 ... what_if we had been alone? 110107 ... unhinged hate to break it to you but you still have panic in your eyes when you're high the dilated pupils don't hide the fear 110220 ... () (on friday, someone i work with asked me if i had one. i don't, but my memory is selectively both very good and visual. i feel like i know what one would be like, but jus missed the cutoff.) 110221 ... h|s|g I think it's hid in betwe em otio now if I could just get pas those blocks... LEGO_my_ego 110222 ... h|s|g Hid in between emotional_blocks, that is. 110222 ... unhinged pensive_association 110406 ... unhinged in_the_wake_of_lamentable_tides i've been thinking of it walking down the hill from your apartment to the city the lights sprawled out in front of us walking faster than the bus could catch us half way between your place and dinner winding down the road that went from there to here you turned to me and said something_to_the_effect_of 'why would you be with someone like that?' and i'm still not really clear on that answer but i'm trying to do better i feel the innocence_lost that i am a decidedly different person than i was on_that_walk 110414 ... unhinged i was trying so hard to leave you behind (i still think of you often; i walk around this city ghosts of you everywhere) i got off the bus lit a cigarette after work and there you were one_hundred_feet right across the street we avoided eye_contact but a week later i had a text from you about how you were leaving town you must have still been thinking of me the way i think of you attuned 110512 ... unhinged you called me 'hey i have shit to do but i can swing by' so i hopped in the truck with you even though experience told me i should know better i buckled my seat belt you reached for yours 'i only buckle up if the passenger does first' i felt better after we crossed the river less conspicuous left on humboldt left again on singer that's where your dudes lived your glazed eyes failed you crack smack the bumper hit the bricks you jumped out left me alone (i thought to myself what am i gonna do if somebody asks me to move this thing? i don't know how to drive) you came back quick turn right on keefe jump out at the light bend the bumper back into place with a pick axe (i knew what you had in your pocket) took the back roads to the walmart and again you left me having panic_attack s in the passenger seat 110512 ... unhinged the night him and one of his crackhead buddies swung by and picked us up and we ended up at the bar i took you to when anthony played on a trip back here but emptier quieter (i felt them staring at my ass when i walked_away looking at me then looking at you questioning smirk) that was the night he dropped us off on the corner of capital and humboldt a vodka cranberry in your hand you asked me to hold that was the night i got the scar on my knee cause you asked me to hold your drink as we were climbing out of the back of a two door car i bit my shit and even with a bunch of it spilled down the front when i stood up there was still some vodka in the glass and for weeks afterwards you cleaned and bandaged my knee so early i didn't know the truth between the two of you but every time you brought him up afterwards i wanted to spit 110515 ... unhinged (i got a big pink stain on my favorite cream colored scarf that night you took it home and washed it i remember i could feel my pants sticking to the scrape i knew i was bleeding because the cold air against the exposed fleshy part had a strange tingle to it even in my state of drunkenness there were sweet things you did for me just as sweet as any money spent you told me i never compromised you have no idea how hard it was for me to let you take care of my knee that day and all the following days i did i let you take care of me when you could but that unfortunately was never when you should) 110516 ...   drawing paper, fibrous, a little coarse, fine-point ballpoint pen, common brand her handwriting was worse than mine apropos...jagged words 110516 ... unhinged the way you looked at your watch (who still wears a watch?) with that smart_ass side_smile and said 'am i gonna have to remember this date now?' a mexican inflection to your english i could feel my smile stretching the limits of my mouth 'you just might' 110522 ... unhinged even in a crowded bar you were all i could see hear i reached up to gently grab your earlobe between my thumb and finger you had a hard time holding my gaze but i persisted my new_ink was still raw the summer heat made that more noticeable suddenly the bartender plunked a beer in front of you and pointed over his shoulder 'from your friends' and hugo was making that obnoxious gesture to suggest you'd be eating me out later only more obnoxious because being gay i knew he found that somewhat repulsive and i flicked him off and went right back to seeing only you suddenly repetitively you are all i see 110813 ... unhinged waking up to the cat passed out between us his belly exposed a face of complete kitty contentment the undeniable happiness he had on being the marty cat sandwich 110816 ... unhinged tess 110816 ... unhinged words shorthand for the expansive scenes painted on the inside of my eyelids the aurora bridge the water the mountains the houses the clouds the sun meaningless if you haven't seen it these words just shorthand for the epic expanse of the northwest aaahhh seattle 111112 ... unhinged harrisburg the retelling of that point in my life so panicked so angry so sad but so_many_years_later the first picture to float to the top the parking garage downtown two older black guys sitting on a cement seat the structure made sipping on some malt liquor he walked over with the three of us brazen (always) and asked 'do you know any good bars near here?' and the old men turned to each other eyebrows creeping above the glasses amused a once over glance at the four of us him with three girls a tall skinny one a small skinny one a short thick one a chuckle and a languid finger towards the door 'that way' and the old knowing chuckles that actually didn't know shit followed us outside 120611 ... a clever disguise I have so many things I could say. But what I will say is that I am so thankful that you have any happy memory of that night. 120611 ... a clever disguise Actually, I already said it. the_damage_done 120612 ... unhinged wordless_conversations new years eve/day 2012 i was on the phone with her she was probably either standing or sitting right next to you when you died (i was sitting at the kitchen table 1700 miles away looking out towards the mountains) my mom got quiet 'nikki i think he just passed...wait' 'you mean he's dead?' 'oh alan...hey i gotta go.' the tone of her voice closed my throat with tears 'ok. bye' i sat at that shitty ikea kitchen table and the dam cracked tears_and_sobs new years eve fireworks were coming off the mountains near_and_far wait he died he just...yeah, he died i could feel it in my mother's voice the exact second his life left his body and i_cried while fireworks went off in the distance 120808 ... (z) (eidetic) 120809 ... unhinged fresh a perfect august day in seattle the sun slants down through the highrises downtown blue blue sky pierced by mirrored glass i sit on the patio of lola 4th and virginia she brings out the sizzle plate and sets it on top of it's wooden bench pours the ouzo on either side of the kebabs the smell draws envious glances i pounce as i almost literally drool all over my plate watching the pedestrians hustle past the sun shine in mirrored glass onions, figs, haloumi after the most beautiful movie today_was_a_good_day 120830 ... unhinged it was the last thing i did every_night at the end of a long day i stumbled up that staircase tired_and_alone waiting for the phone to ring waiting to know whether you were alive_or_dead always_coming_back_home_to_you 120922 ... unhinged the sky was grey the tree lawns were white we took the back roads to the highway you were in the back in your carseat 'yellow auntie nicole' look at the stars look how they shine for you baby_doll you were still tiny enough for a carseat and i turned over the corner of the front seat 'sure honey let me find it' they shine for you 121007 ... unhinged that same night: harrisburg we were sitting on the sidewalk patio the four of us maybe after that african sold him the roses and i was staring at the tv vacantly trying very hard not to lose it the three of you were sexually harassing each other it was obvious the two of you fucked he looked over at me with the signature puppy dog eyes and said 'but you never give me the fuckme eyes' he batted the eyelashes for dramatic effect i just shook my head but i saw what he did to you afterwards and i knew i wouldn't survive him using me that way too 121014 ... unhinged i was standing on the back landing trying to get my shoes on i was crying because i was getting yelled at but we had to leave the house my mom was in the kitchen (three stairs up from the back door) looking down at me struggling with my shoes asking me what was wrong i was probably seven or eight i couldn't find the right words to explain to my mom why i was crying which made me cry harder so that i started hyperventilating which made my mother panicky and she started yelling at my dad 'i told you. just blow in her mouth until she starts breathing again' my dad came down the stairs knelt down and grabbed my face in his hands 'oh nicole. don't cry' and he blew in my mouth his breath made my lungs restart i sucked up the tears that had turned into snot pouring out of my nose he pulled me close to him despite my efforts to get out of his grasp and wouldn't let me go til i stopped squirming 121014 ... unhinged snow_like_drifting 121016 ... unhinged the_ways_we_said_goodbye 121114 ... unhinged we were in the middle of fucking back_then i always shut my eyes the trauma of my past i didn't want to look in the face i didn't really like him but he was good on paper a professor writing a book cooked me dinner without meat obliging but i didn't really like him we were in the middle of fucking my eyes shut i heard 'look at me' i opened my eyes his curly hair a frizzy halo his hazel eyes intense daring me to maintain eye_contact he got off i didn't 121122 ... unhinged i walked into your work it was busy i had to move a chair to sit in my normal spot you may have noticed me before but when you turned to smile at me wry and cautious my heart melted at the sight (possibly gag worthy) to know that the sight of me makes you smile that made me feel better than anyone else has been able to for a long time 130101 ... unhinged then at some point the sight of me at your work started to make you nervous the barest glimpse of the corners of your mouth upturned quickly changed into you chewing on the right side of your lower lip maybe it's cause work was busy maybe it's cause my presence unsettles you now (hiding something?) the world may never know 130226 ... unhinged it was summer my little sweatbox of a studio was like an oven we went outside to smoke trying to catch any small stirring of air him and his girlfriend came out of the wine bar to also smoke (he was closing the place for the night) you invited them both up to my place his girlfriend was pretty but vapid but also brash (thought she was tough) she clung to him literally like i or the nonexistent breeze would blow him right out of her hands (i was slightly disappointed that he had a girlfriend, especially a dumb bitch type we talked a lot when i went into the wine bar but at the time it hadn't amounted to much i went in there to hang out with him when i felt like i would give in to you) that night i gave into you you were uncharacteristically sober at least opiates sober you had just got back from massachusetts you were happy (you got to spend time with your son) i couldn't resist the four of us crammed into my little studio he sat down in the same seat he always sat when he chilled with me after work she sat in his lap even though there was a second chair we scooted over to the small kitchen you leaned against the cast iron sink the smile wouldn't leave your lips a true smile at the time i thought it was just because of isaac she was being ridiculously loud talking about shit none of the rest of us had any interest in but he pretended to be interested presumably so he could get laid later you looked at me and smiled i smiled timidly back eyes_cast_down that was the day i really met you not a reflection in dirty_mirrors but you the way you were supposed to be sober happy it made all your wasted bullshit after that that much harder to bear 130525 ... unhinged your_eyes were sad your forehead creased your emotions were plain on your face i could feel you staring at me the unconscious habit of my foot jiggling started my hands fidgeted the only thing i could think to do was flee my own hurt shut you out part of me is sorry for that part of me doesn't really give a fuck how hard that was for you to be another row in the same pattern i've been waiting all my life to break free from for someone to love me the way i know my heart is capable you stood up when i said i was leaving turned your body towards the door watched watched and did nothing 140121 ... unhinged sitting at the bar at robert's show so we wouldn't have to pay the cover my back to the stage to most of the room turned towards you only you at some point we both stopped talking held each other's glance i didn't feel the need to look away my mouth turned up at the corners we are both old enough to be tentative but young enough to feel giddy in each other's presence i want to kiss you when your_eyes twinkle like that 140404 ... unhinged you bristled your lips twisted in a snarl i didn't know what to say my childhood reaction of silence seemed like the only option your eyes narrowed you could tell i wasnt sober something i did gave me away you were uncomfortable decided to stay sober i felt like any asshole we stared at each_other silent tears in our eyes all the options i had come up with for staying together didnt seem viable someone had convinced you i wasnt worth keeping you knew i wouldnt stay friends we stared at each_other silent tears in our eyes you had a jolting epiphany 'ive never even really told myself this' your sober stomach turned and you catapulted yourself off the couch shut down the conversation said you wanted to take me home the anger made everything sharp between us you were angry with her and once again you were shutting me out cause you were angry with her i flew down the steps to the car my tears fell i turned to you in the car before i climbed out i wanted you to stop me instead you 'didnt know what to say' you didnt drive away until i pulled open the door my tears fell 140601 ... unhinged (my heart broke that day in a way it has not been broken for years. once again i wasn't good enough. once again i was thrown out, abandoned. it triggered something in me that i had been able to hold at bay for a long time. i am finally beginning to repair myself. i still have strong feelings about all of it, about you. but mostly now, i find myself wishing you are happy. mixed with anger, anger that has taught me that i deserve better, that i am awesome and deserve someone who can appreciate and love me for who i am.) i laid in bed staring at the wall my wrist itched echoing_thought how the hell did i get this way again? will it ever end? it was unbearable the ugly voice in my head the self_destructive voice the nagging voice the addiction voice came back with a vengeance thoughts are just thoughts i pushed them all away 'thinking little buddy, just thinking' my heart cracked gorged it wasn't just thoughts there were horrible feelings there too the pain seeped over to the physical i laid in bed staring at the wall tears streaming down my face my heart cracked a little voice almost drowned by all the pain said 'you know this will pass' i decided to acknowledge my addiction with a firm no i will not hurt myself today. it was a beautiful summer day. the sun was streaming in my window. everything felt so black. i turned towards the wall hiding from the taunting sun cried until my eyes were too sore the little voice said 'start running again' several times per week i ran up down and around my neighborhood the season changed so did my heart 150105 ... birdmad . 150916 ... flowerock Beautifully written, I don't even know how to say... but beautifully dealt with as well is the best way I can think to word my feeling. Some things I wish I could delete from my memory. I don't quite have a photographic memory, but somethings are burned in time and creep up behind my eyes unexpectedly. I feel sick, but it's passed and there is comfort in that, I'm still here and going strong. Memories that call on all of the senses. 150916 ... unhinged tonight i was on stage tonight my heart overflowed (we covered jeff_buckley ) . 150917 ... f uh. no, my name is River Phenix. i kept it in a box and some times i sang songs. 150918 ... unhinged the stark relief of a winter forest the white snow ground trees the black trees the black road the stark relief of coming together for the first time in years for a funeral of a reunion of grief crunching through the snow in the cemetery so quiet in trying to hide to stay composed even in the face of death we laid flowers on both urns (flouncing of tradition that had just been approved by the pope) my sister flung herself across both urns and wept the shock rippled through the family as her sobs broke the silence her husband nervously stepped forward to pull her back into his arms whispers mingled with the crunching snow as we wended back to our cars 171109 ... unhinged bach_goddess i had to pull you to me so close that you couldn't see the open portal of my heart reflected in my eyes the fuzzy edges of all the beer made me not give a fuck that we were at a crowded bus stop you were still trying to speak to me even as i buried your face in my neck words flicked in and out of the noise around us i pulled you back to grab your face dive into the pools of your eyes i wanted to dive in startled by the depths of my want drunk enough not to care eventually i stopped fighting it and kissed you but in a mistaken way in a friendly way i left my tongue to myself so that i could deny that i wanted to hold you all the time especially now now that he was out of the way now that you were sad now that you were so anxious you vibrated the bus came too fast the bus came at exactly the right moment 190730 ... unhinged i was reading some strange young adult sci-fi open to interruption him and his friend slide in the space on my right somewhere around drink three his friend got up and left he was trying to use lesser evilism logic, harm reduction to justify centrism same old milquetoast story i found myself raising my voice in my insistence that it was time to stop and fight draw a line and then refuse to cross it my voice raised before i realized it he realized we had started to yell at each_other (something i find myself doing a lot in the trump era) and suddenly went quiet i thought i had pissed him off until i noticed the fuckme eyes five hours later i denied his invitation to go back to his hotel and he silently walked to my busstop and waited with me the lack of coercion struck me not even an eyebrow or pouty lip of disagreement not even a hitch in the step the modesty of our kiss before the bus came a sad commentary on my past a bittersweet sorespot that i can't get close to him now fucking covid 200806 ... unhinged the sibilant whispers of a gentle voice raised speaking a gentle language like water moving over rocks after a rain the feline saunter like a panther on the prowl in the stacks of shoes pantherus retailus in his natural habitat 220911 ... unhinged the big bright smile that blinds me with all it's toothy brilliance when auntie's face flashes across his screen resuscitating me one_photon_at_a_time 221001 ... Photophobe I have to say over the yesrs this continues to be one of my favourite blathes. Thanks for this glimpse into your mind, unhinged. 221230 ... unhinged (thanks photophobe...i think this is my longest running blathe. i'm glad to have readers) wordless_conversations on red i try not to let myself think of it so much anymore those last six days in hospice but sometimes i really do need to remind myself that you are gone i had somehow managed to take third shift with you maybe so we didn't need to talk because i didn't want to burden you with my tears i cried in the shower to think your daughter the poet had no words for you at the end of your life there is still a big gaping hole in my heart where you used to be (two_years_later the tears still cut my face if I let them) 230116 ... Lycanthrope Thanks for sharing. Miss ya. 230117 ... Photophobe Brutal. Thank you. Sorry means nothing here, maybe. Maybe this is the most blather of blathers. Even more than a farmfish tri rhyming scheme or a dafreman rant or some way of telling you how wonder you are... 230128 ... Photophobe wordless_conversations has always been the actual blathe. we know. 230128 ... unhinged actually on red it's silent_conversations 230128 ... unhinged the parts of seattle i traipsed through when you still responded when covid was more of a party and less of a fascist takeover before i watched my dad die the last breath rattling when i promised him i wouldn't let my mom die alone and sickly like a documentary flicking on the backs of my eyelids when i was a girl that gave her heart away freely before the strongest string snapped as my lips brushed his cold dead cheek now i can admit it all the well intentioned trauma you buried deep all set free with that reverse fairy tale kiss girl broken into woman shame broken into strength (happy almost birthday dad) 230313 ... unhinged we were driving down the highway this time in rural AZ in his girlfriend's SUV to get to the cheap smoke shop on the reservation to get cartons of cigarettes i was in the backseat staring out the window as the pipe made its way around sometimes chiming in sometimes staring at my phone my mind kept interrupting what_if he dies while you are gone? we got off the 10 they dug around for masks before they went in when they took longer than expected i called you 'talk to me' my head hit the back of the seat my eyes closed 'about what?' your dad had died from cancer just a couple weeks before 'it doesn't matter.' you didn't need me to say anything else you started chattering about something stupid my brother and his girlfriend came back to the car cartons tucked under their arms 'i gotta go' your voice softened my heart_pang clamored in the dark the desert slipped by 230405 ... Photophobe 3 230409 what's it to you? who go blather from