rollins As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious... 010822
shorlove desire to... 030422
b i thought gutwrenching as he said it.
this was today, when i ausitioned.
i didn't even get to go.
man was i nervous.
tomorrow will be better.
i can do it.
unhinged trying to wipe the tears
from my face
as my hands shake
getting out of your car
for the last time
loading up a cart
walking up the steps
handing in my keys
all for the last time
driving down mahoning
past the cemetery
the tears well to my eyes
as i try not to cry
holding my cigarette out the window
keeping my poison to myself
so many last times
caught up in only a few days
it was all so gutwrenching
that reality hasn't quite
caught up with me yet
i wake up at night
searching for you beside me
finding only
sad sad songs on the radio
i've come out a different person
a better person
dirt can be a good thing
when you scrape it away
to reveal what's underneath
i will remember the look of so many eyes
that i stared into
for the last time
eyes that created pillars in my heart
pillars of need
pillars of want
pillars of love
pillars that will support me
when the future starts to crumble
the defenses of my heart
the pillars of their eyes
will still be standing
this is what you all have made me
i am no longer a
lonely monument to self_disgust
but a many splendored testament
to the power of love
what i could have only become
from leaving
my stomach tied in nots
an especially poignant memory
welling tears to the top
someday the gutwrenching eased into
a sweet sardonic smile
Syrope Like a freeze-dried rose, you will never be,
What you were, what you were to me in memory...
My silence solidifies,
Until that hollow void erases you,
Erases you so I can't feel at all.
But if I never feel again,
At least that nothingness will end
The painful dream, of you and me.

-- Missy Higgins, The Sound of White
unhinged and all i have left of that
unhinged my heart aches so bad
it twists my stomach in knots

cuddle_bug could make my stomach ache go away
where are you?
think you could stay?
In_Bloom unhinged-
you just made me cry
unhinged i've been doing a lot of that lately myself. today the weather agrees with me. grey, soaking drizzle. i just want need arms around me. is it really that much to ask?

i held her hand walking to the busstop, clasped not entwined. i squeezed while her hand was limp in it's heartbroken drunkenness. her hand is someone else's, but that's the story of my life. stolen affection from someone that belongs to another. but i'll take hugs, hands where i can get them. i'm desperate.
In_Bloom I have stolen and I've been the stolen
And each time I have been happilily striding beside one I believe, there is still that small wounded part of me that counts the time, counts the steps and just knows it won't last forever.
arwyn Holidays are so hard now.
I could call you. Say "mom?" And maybe fix everything, but it won't work. There's too much to forgive. There's too much to sweep under the rug. I need that apology. That heartbreaking apology that admits you didn't care. I want that apology.

I watch Sara's family. Her mom is a dream. Her sister hates me, but that's okay. I'm not fond of her. But the unfeigned love and closeness the three of them share hurts. My heart aches for that kind of love. I know I'll never get it. I watch the whole spectacle.

But relieved she never had to deal with the abuse I suffered.
unhinged (fifteen years later, those people are nothing but memories. in an era of reconnection, i refuse to use social search engines. but, sometimes i still wonder what became of you. you were pivotal to my late blooming adolescence.)

making beauty like

what's it to you?
who go