tugging unhinged in far corners of my heart and mind the ones that don't articulate themselves well i could feel a deep rooted dissatisfaction the kind that makes food tasteless the kind that makes the mind unfocused, hazy the kind that makes the gaping heart raw and aching i cried unmitigated tears my frustration had no object but the vague tugging there was inside of me that it wasn't good enough my life what i was doing with it i wasn't doing something right the more i tried to pinpoint it the less i understood the more petulant i felt because the survival worries of my life had lessened (bills no longer a problem retail therapy no longer requiring a credit card) the fucking existential_crisis had to enter the picture if_only i had what i couldn't even figure i out i didn't have then, THEN the tugging would stop had to figure it had to make a plan something to focus on and_then the tugging turned to nagging cause the insidious thought that no matter what i planned maybe there would always be a tugging of dissatisfaction deep in me in the places i try to ignore then my small buddha mind says 'just your ego; cut it out' like the feeling when you are pulling weeds and the roots finally let_go 090319 ... unhinged (and also that creeping thought if i had someone to share my life with all of it completely that at the very least, my heart could be healed) 090319 ... unhinged he took my belt in his hands unbuckled it i said no and he stopped he stopped 090405 ... REAListic optimIST unhinged, when I read your words, I get the feeling of someone who is capable of giving herself to someone fully - in spite of the deep pain you try so hard to understand and forget. It is for this reason that I love you. Not in some creepy stalker way (I have found love in my life), but in a human way. I love that aspect of you because it is that capacity to be open in spite of potential pain that has deep meaning in my life. Thank you for being supremely human. 090406 ... unhinged you're welcome the words i write and the actions i commit are two decidedly different things. i have a habit of being open and understanding with the wrong people. but i figure i have to stay open and understanding if i'm ever gonna find the right person. right? sometimes being open and understanding means walking_away. i have learned to cut the people from my life that make me fester . that's not mean; being concerned for myself is not mean. i can't fix everyone as hard as i may want to try. i think being truthful is the most important part of my personal ethics. something about being paddled when i lied when i was a kid. 090406 ... unhinged (i will answer any question truthfully. it is just a matter of finding someone who cares enough to ask) 090406 ... REAListic optimIST I was the kid who would stay behind and face the music when all the other kids ran away after hitting a ball through a window or something. It just always seemed scarier to run. So, I appreciate and understand that tendancy. Through my empathic experience, I have also learned to read people quite well, so the number of people whom I let get close enough to hurt me has shrunk considerably, although I hope to increase my skills so that the number can rise. It is this skill and the fact that I have stayed in the same city for 10 years that has allowed me to amass a sizeable circle of good friends. I am quite lucky to have found love and to have good friends. I am also employed and making good money in this crazy economy, so I don't know how this turned into a thankfulness rant, but that is what i really feel in this moment. 090409 what's it to you? who go blather from