petulant unhinged all i want to do is laze around i have a job most would be envious of well paid AND something i love and i don't even want to go to work i try to attempt my yoga routine and can only do about a third of it before i'm just so tired i can't move anymore i went to breakfast this morning alone and watched the rotating dance of couples come and go which made me feel even more alone some fought some snickered some cuddled and i tried to pretend not to notice while only half reading the book i brought with me even on a perfect day like today i could only see what i didn't have instead of all the good around me my brain makes chemicals that see only darkness i nap long hours again snuffed_out a losing battle i could win for months only to be held under again in those murky waters of self_loathing just snuffed_out standing_sabotage but the_dalai_lama_laughs visualization om tare tutare ture svaha she protects purifies if i just concentrate on love it can come back to me now sometimes i'm just too tired knowing that it will come back no matter how hard i try just sleep wake me up when it's over 070908 ... sameolme Perhaps joy will ignite spontaneously. A child skips gracefully across your path and you are airborne again. 070908 ... unhinged some of my students cheer me up even if only for the time i teach them. when the training starts to become ingrained, obvious and they learn things faster than they used to. the smile they get from accomplishing something they used to think was nearly impossible. or the profuse little clapping of hands and awestruck 'wow's when i play for them even if it's only twinkle twinkle little star. even though lately i don't look forward to going to work, there's always at least one moment everyday that makes it worth it. 070908 ... unhinged i refused to make any phone calls today instead i went to dinner alone falafel_and_hummus waiting for the phone to ring 071006 ... unhinged (it didn't. even she was busy with her boyfriend today.) 071006 ... unhinged the petulance is growing to annoyance 071112 ... . I'm having the same thing lately, uH. 071112 ... unhinged and the annoyance to anxiety and the anxiety to anger winter makes me cranky 071112 ... unhinged he went home for thanksgiving and said he didn't want to come back while i can't blame him it made me sad somehow that i wasn't even a blip on the screen that makes him happy 071128 ... unhinged sad_lonely_pathetic 080201 ... sameolme Maybe you should bask in the bright light of your love. 080201 ... unhinged it's just hormones. it's just hormones. it's just hormones. it's just hormones. it's just hormones. it's just the hormones that make me feel so alone. 080524 ... unhinged just leave me alone. don't touch me. don't invite me to be the third/fifth wheel. don't pity me. don't even fucking look at me. it's better if you just live your life like i don't even matter. you can't help me now anyways. 080702 ... unhinged petulance annoyance anxiety anger rinse_and_repeat in the seasonal cycle of discontent petulance annoyance anxiety anger over_and_over 090216 ... unhinged he asked me what was wrong with me yesterday and i just turned my head in his direction. i wanted to say 'you' but of course i said nothing. 'have you ever heard of the tv show 'dark shadows'? my friend sarah....' and then my ears stopped working. his 'friend'. yeah, after two and a half years, i know what that means. you are what's wrong with me fuckbag. they weren't just_a_kiss to me. but it seems like that's all they were to you; something, someone to do when you were drunk. you said you were going to quit. instead, you just cut back to parttime. and considering the dramatic_irony of my life of late, you will probably end up working only on the days i work, and your presence in my life won't change even in the slightest. i want to be near you incessantly like we were in the beginning i don't want to see your stupid face even for a second 090217 ... unhinged why don't we just nail you up to a cross already so you can keep telling everyone how unfair it is how right and innocent and virtuous you are and you can carry that cross with you everywhere to justify your proud bullshit i'm_so_over_it 091017 ... unhinged i was weak it was all my fault i should just shut up already 130523 ... unhinged ugh 140803 ... unhinged (but for some reason this time the anger has been replaced by a raw nerve a broken heart lots of tears and the corresponding want to numb that pain by any means necessary and he says i should give up weed and dairy right now yeah fucking right lets not go that far) 140803 ... unhinged *sigh* some crazy bitch threatening to punch me in the face at work yesterday really didnt help 150402 what's it to you? who go blather from