unhinged all i want to do
is laze around
i have a job
most would be envious of
well paid AND
something i love
and i don't even want to go to work
i try to attempt my yoga routine
and can only do about a third of it
before i'm just so tired
i can't move anymore

i went to breakfast this morning
and watched the rotating dance
of couples come and go
which made me feel even more
some fought
some snickered
some cuddled
and i tried to pretend not to notice
while only half reading
the book i brought with me
even on a perfect day like today
i could only see what i didn't have
instead of all the good around me

my brain makes chemicals that see only
i nap long hours again
a losing battle
i could win for months
only to be held under again
in those murky waters
of self_loathing
just snuffed_out

om tare tutare ture svaha
she protects
if i just concentrate on love
it can come back to me now
sometimes i'm just too tired
knowing that it will come back
no matter how hard i try
just sleep
wake me up when it's over
sameolme Perhaps joy will ignite spontaneously.

A child skips gracefully across your path and you are airborne again.
unhinged some of my students cheer me up even if only for the time i teach them. when the training starts to become ingrained, obvious and they learn things faster than they used to. the smile they get from accomplishing something they used to think was nearly impossible. or the profuse little clapping of hands and awestruck 'wow's when i play for them even if it's only twinkle twinkle little star. even though lately i don't look forward to going to work, there's always at least one moment everyday that makes it worth it. 070908
unhinged i refused to make any phone calls today
i went to dinner alone
waiting for the phone to ring
unhinged (it didn't. even she was busy with her boyfriend today.) 071006
unhinged the petulance is growing to annoyance 071112
. I'm having the same thing lately, uH. 071112
unhinged and the annoyance to anxiety
and the anxiety to anger

winter makes me cranky
unhinged he went home for thanksgiving
and said he didn't want to come back
while i can't blame him
it made me sad somehow
that i wasn't even a blip
on the screen that makes him happy
unhinged sad_lonely_pathetic 080201
sameolme Maybe you should bask in the bright light of your love. 080201
unhinged it's just hormones. it's just hormones. it's just hormones. it's just hormones. it's just hormones.

it's just the hormones that make me feel so alone.
unhinged just leave me alone. don't touch me. don't invite me to be the third/fifth wheel. don't pity me. don't even fucking look at me. it's better if you just live your life like i don't even matter. you can't help me now anyways. 080702
unhinged petulance

in the seasonal cycle
of discontent

unhinged he asked me what was wrong with me yesterday and i just turned my head in his direction. i wanted to say 'you' but of course i said nothing.

'have you ever heard of the tv show 'dark shadows'? my friend sarah....'

and then my ears stopped working. his 'friend'. yeah, after two and a half years, i know what that means. you are what's wrong with me fuckbag. they weren't just_a_kiss to me. but it seems like that's all they were to you; something, someone to do when you were drunk.

you said you were going to quit. instead, you just cut back to parttime. and considering the dramatic_irony of my life of late, you will probably end up working only on the days i work, and your presence in my life won't change even in the slightest.

i want to be near you incessantly
like we were in the beginning
i don't want to see your stupid face
even for a second
unhinged why don't we just nail you up to a cross already
so you can keep telling everyone how unfair it is
how right and innocent and virtuous you are
and you can carry that cross with you everywhere
to justify your proud bullshit

unhinged i was weak
it was all my fault

i should just shut up already
unhinged ugh 140803
unhinged (but for some reason
this time
the anger has been replaced by
a raw nerve
a broken heart

lots of tears
and the corresponding want
to numb that pain
by any means necessary

and he says i should give up
weed and dairy right now
yeah fucking right

lets not go that far)
unhinged *sigh*

some crazy bitch threatening to punch me in the face at work yesterday really didnt help
what's it to you?
who go