phil_s_diary phil yesterday- My car doesn't have any gas and my transmission is leaking fluid. There was a double murder at 161st and Harney. I made three phone calls, one to Ironworkers Labor Union, one to New Horizons computer training, and one to my girlfriend. None of them were returned. 020703 ... phil My horoscope today says I need to laugh at my misfortunes, or something like that, you know "lighten up". My little brother has chicken pocks. I saw my old friend Ryan, told him about how I liked not smoking, while we had cigarettes together. We watched wrestling, the Osbournes, the Disney Movie with the babe in it. Sirgeo has 3 jobs now, doing 60 hours a week, so this might be the last day in a long time we meet. We are going to walk around the lake, for excercise. I told the nearby pizza place I wanted a job, maybe two jobs if I could find one, I am still unemployed, going to go see if they still have "help wanted" My dad is wasting his time, he played GTA3 all day. Nobody deserves to be mad at me anymore, fuck them. I am not even in a good mood to take pictures. 020703 ... phil today I had an ulser, or some stress related problem. Maalox did the trick, lemon flavour, mmmm, so easy to get addicted. I touch a hot shower and a cold bath, and thought about the past, and realized a few things about how I was right the entire time. I still want to see my girlfriend, even if she cares or not. If she isn't nice to me we are going to get in a fist fight. I plan on winning. She pretends to be mad, I have to play super guy, because I don't want to unknowingly fuck her up. Spent some time with my older brother and went to the zoo. It smelled, we ate greek. I managed to talk to my mom some, which was good, but I just told her I didn't like her, and sometimes other people do deserve to be blamed for my problems. (she doesn't want me to be happy) Still can't talk to my dad, planning on using the line: "so are you telling me to GET a job, or are you saying you HATE your's?" should be a bucket of fun. Today was a good day, cut the strings off of a few ugly emotions I've been having. The stomach problem definetly got me in touch with my memeories today. My Horoscope says, oh you so horny. Told my sister, before she left, I don't love her, and wrote her a letter telling her not to come back from camp. All lies, all LIES! nojob 020711 ... phil today, i simply took multiple showers, because I was paranoid of using soap, which was a good thing because I forgot I had to mow the lawn. My hair is clean, shivers uncomfortably. huuhuhu. Splurge is working 60 hours a day. I felt like apologizing for smoking past the camel all those times, like I was warned against, and using yellow lighters. I met Joe at the bar, girl in blue, another person who worked at the movie theater last night. He had me go buy him some smokes, I got marlboro's by accident so I went back and got camels. Excellent, made a dollar. I also got a free pack from two guys, when I just wanted to bum a smoke, I had to go get them change. I am horrible about this when I drink. I have tried to enjoy the cigarettes. I filled out an application for "Keno attendent", the same job as Trent. We drank enough, and grabbed some tacos. I haven't heard from him since. I've been taking hot showers and cold baths, this seems to help my phobia of staying in the tub for more than 5 minutes. But the showers are painful. I haven't accomplished any of the things people asked me to do with them. i.e. deliver a letter, go to the cemetery, sell an alternator 020712 ... phil today is not well 020713 ... phil realized, hey?...beth still has my writing folder...is that even possible? how could that happen, what sick perverted fate causes things like this to happen to me. What is wrong with this world!? Was it something I did, she doesn't like me? Why did she want it in the first place? Why did I give it to her? (pictures of Demonic Beth flicker before my eyes), hu? wha? no, no, go away demonic beth, no!!! hehe jsut kidding. I distinctly remember explaining to her, hey I need that back next week, to which she replied, oh ya, and then oh ya the next week, and then oh sorry the next week, and then, and then again, and she kept giving me beer, and I kept waiting, and now...is it to late? Ok, so I will get it back today, I will chaeck the bar, if it's not there, then I will find out her number, either from her job, or from S or K, and then I will call her, and ask her, what she plans on doing with it...and she will say it is destroyed or something. I will stop by, no she won't have time today...we could set up a time, about 7, but not 8:00, just cause that is the special hour when dates are made, well ok, maybe 8:00. It will be a sign. Yes a grand sign. And then I get the folder back, and the floodgates will open, I'm sure. Everything will jsut fall into place, I'll get 20 phone calls, and everything would work out, oh yes, I see it now, like a vision, angel Beth coming to save me, yes save me slice through their horrible chains. heheh just kidding, it's only a folder. But I must have my precious back. Oh yes, my precious. 020716 ... phil I was out drinking fourties all night celebrating my new job. And my parents dpearture for a week, I borrowed a lot of change. I met some omaha guy, he was 34, I said he had big hands. He thought I was an oddball. He wanted to play music, find a guitarist. I offered, he hated it, but he said he would meet me at thet next show. I also met Andy Jones, told him I had been getting my life together, he was doing well, it was cool I had been waiting to meet him for so long. I also tried to say thanks to the mysterious "B" person who helped me with my sanity, oh well, maybe next time. I hit my head on the corner trying to give Justin a hug, I have a big bump now, I thought I was going to pass out. Tiler fell out a tree. Justin says medical supplies are a good stock investment, I had't seen Justin for a few years. Nobody at the bar was right for me I tried hitting on an old friend, I didn't touch her but I had her feel the bump on my head. I think she was pretty. We were all in the rain, it was making a river out of the parking lot. I was dancing around in circles. It's amazing how drug dealers can bring old friends back together. I was not happy I drank so much I was worried bout the calories. I need a brain. 020725 ... cheer-up-emo-kid I dont know if Im supposed to be commenting on your diary, but congrats on the job. 020726 ... Smoke em if you got em Yellow lighters are O.K. It's the white ones that you need to stay away from. Just tell 'em Stone Cold said so. But... Drop the Humpbacks and pick up a pack of Lucky Steee-rikes. So round So firm So fully packed Never a rough puff in a LucKy. Ray Bolger sez..."Smoking, like dancing must be smooth to be really enjoyable. That's Y I go for the smooth toasted flavour of Lucky Strike cigarettes"- a.i.y.d.n.-Ray Bolger; Star of Broadway Hit-Where's Charley & appearing as the Scarecrow in "The Wizard of Oz" Ad appears (unnofficial) courtesy of March 13, 1953 bAck cover of New York Post magazine. 020726 ... Same as Above By the way, Questions Comments... Call toll frEE 1-800-341-5211 Lucky Strike Brown & Williamson TobaccY Corp. Louisville, KY 40232 U.S.A. 020726 ... phil today 020729 ... phil life is shit with a t 020807 ... jusslissen2me life's a bitch, then you marry one... 020807 ... phil ...eno yrram uoy neht ,hctib a s'efil 020807 ... phil the fourth floor window breaks. The pavement feels like strange unyielding cotton. 020808 ... phil I walked in through the rear door i saw the light from the keyboard the monitor the single speaker the cable box the printer and the shut down button all glimmering green in my parents darkened living room it reminds me of a vast landscape full of bluffs and clouds. In the bathroom with the light on I sing to myself, glancing in the mirror makes me stop. I know someday all I will be was dead, the photographs will be nothing but a glimpse of the past for someone else. Moving out into the pitch black hallway I don't move my eyes towards the glimpses of light coming from the windows, instead I stare in the milky black floor holding that feeling of emptiness. 020912 ... phil doing nothin has "consequences" whatever...pfft doesn't seem right Anyways, I have to kill it's not my fault you know? going to the park at 5:00, it's 4:03 now... I cancelled my insurance and decided against getting my breaks checked. 020924 ... [.:..The SeeR ..:.] Sometimes, all you need is a simple paradigm_shift_to_straighten_things_out . Everything, Phil, is connected, and just as the Planetary Masses make their dent in the soft fabric of space and time, You too have made your own divot that just rides the waves of matter & light. Bouyancy is our goal, yet, you seem infactuated with sinking. I do not recommend that you continue with this pattern of thought. Re-align your kinetic and social energies toward that of growth and positivity, and this will have a reverberating effect on your life and the lives of all those who surround you. And, be Good. Things like these are the Substance of True Life. All else is merely a distraction! 020924 ... phil feel better? 020925 ... phil quiet guy syndrome with an alcoholic twist, depressed abused "gay" guy meets reality finds "bumpy spiral of pain" becomes cynically infatuated with the whole concept of a "life change" discovers he is stupid angry and obnoxiously cold hearted unable to learn or succeed although he feels passionate hates reality despises parents because, and get this, it's an evolved character trait to hate your parents when you are his age. Enjoys telling people to go fuck themeselves, in his head. (not while I'm talking to them) Cannot sustain thoughts long enough for them to serve any real purpose a truly unusual character pretends sees other people in himself often finds the answers but chooses to stay in his funk, quickly forgetting the lesson he has learned, not on purpose in reality - looking for the land of bright colored clothing and becoming more an more resentful of these introspective thoughts. Sees no reason for self improvement, life is dumb. Allows people's misconceptions of what he just said, flurish before my eyes. Not fearful, feels connected with childhood. Finding it difficult to change doesn't worry about perception thinks many feelings of social inadequacy come from watching movies believes art crosses cultural differences, but not social sees his life in a larger sense this way wonders why he defines himself this way wonders about people's true intentions looks at himself and realizes people are not always who they appear to be likes "truth" it makes him smile worries he is just as much at fault as others, wonders if this means he can forgive others or hate himself feels like his failures should be forgiven, if I was an alchoholic you would all forgive me for my problems probably even try to help me out but because I don't stand out as someone easy to understand, or something you can label easily tries to help other people know what he knows listened to other people wants to work for the post office or fire department looks at most jobs as a total waste thinks to himself "someday there will be no reason for anyone to work" wants this to happen asap adults are icky 020925 ... phil I keep seeing words that aren't there 020926 ... phil oops. I was supposed to write something in here a couple weeks ago, I lost track of time however. It must have been halloween. p.s. my car still isn't fixed isn't that sick? I am feeling confident these days, but also feeling kind of unable to help ther people, or know what I should do next. I have been having fun recently though, playing games and getting my creative energy out. I am still searching around for something that will put me on track again, I think working helps a little but mostly I need more personal contact. I haven't been outside a lot recently, I guess I having been paying attention to things. Words still keep popping into my head like Rossane. Oh well, today I slept and couldn't find any clean pants so I jsut laid around in a blanket. I dowloaded a bunch of old games from the commodore64 website, but they all suck. The ninja game is kind of cool though, it's not nostalgic or anything, but I never really get over my old games so I don't have time for nostalgia. 021115 ... phil O h y e a h this might sound wierd, but I think I am going to give myself a bodywrap, just some kind of fetish. 021115 ... phil H.V. 030214 ... phil this hole blather thing is getting weird. I keep mispelling words and yelling at people. I am convinced I would yell at myself too, if only I weren't me. 030312 ... phil I ran forever to your arms searching for a deeper I never noticed you were gone and held forever for so long I won't blame you for your love it takes an open heart to empty a book 'cause you don't know this I won't take you down with me or pull you around, though I believe now I'm gone you'll never know to carry on you'll never know how much I lied our love you'll never know how much 030324 ... phil school is great, wtf? no car. 030324 ... phil Oh interesting. A couple of days ago I got popped in the side of the face. You should recognize me by my droopy eyelid and shiny complexion. Displaced orbital fractures. I didn't go down but a little hazy on the IQ. I get mad the more I think about it. (I was rather sedated at the time.) Sometimes I feel I can get so mad I would take a mental vacation, and do something horrible. I don't have a lot of middle gears. The police would give them six months. Any money would probably be their parents. But I am still not sure about extra charges. I just hope the system can help them before they end up like some people i know. The section of my face, which I guess should be in pain, produces no sesnations other than odd movements below the skin, are they blood clots? twitchy nerves...I jsut don't know. I saw "Osmosis Jones", unlike sOme people IU enjoyed the movie, and can imagine all the the hard work the people of Phil are doing for me, truckloads of blood cells, antibodies, new electrical lines, ect.. A real hell of a mess to be in. Meanwhile HQ is divising a takeover. Although I do what I can, if not for the help of family and friends I would praobably still be begging to be hospitalized. 030421 ... phil23 it's my fucking birthday 030511 ... learning lifes greatest lessons well happy fucking birthday 030511 ... phil I woke up the fifth of july in the sun. I could not remember how I had gotten out of my friend's house, to pass in the middle of a grass alley between a nursery and some building. It must have been 8. Luckily I awoke though and the left side of my face is red and the right is white, my arms which were already well tanned got a little red, and for some reason the small of my back feels like it's burnt. It felt as though I had been smashed. I made my way back to the house, it was difficult to know what was happening at the time but I was careful not to walk into any cars. I laid on a bench, with comforters, I was confused at the site of my bike leaning on the basketball pole. The truth is bad. I heard voices down by the pool, I just laid there, wanting to talk to somebody. I awoke and went inside my friend Dave was cleaning things in the kitchen. "Oh there you are" and a few idle words are what he said to me. Someone had to kick me out of the house, I was punching myself in the nuts and in the face real hard and I slammed the door closed that woke him up. But once outside I guess I went to my bike, I remember checking to see if I put my stuff in the pouch, I don't remember pulling out the knife and stabbing it into the ground and bending it real funny. The next thing I knew I was in the middle of the road, all fours on the concrete median. I was thinking, as clear as I can make out, that I was born right there, it was mexico and something about people in suits, the road looked real weird, like it had walls. The pretty blue light on the median is what got my attention and the only reason I remember this. By the marks on my body and my hand I can tell I got into some sort of argument with the great concrete beast. I must have talked to somebody or someone was noticing me, I can't remember, my imagination told me I was further down the road, near my house. I must have been confused. I thought it was day, when it was night, I thought I saw people standing outside a van, but it's impossible to say what was real. The best part was when I fainted, although I don't remember. The last thing I remember is standing on the median with my pants down, thinking I was looking at a day, when it was actually night, screaming like a bull and probably worrying anyone who could see me. I think it was at this point when my brain was struggling with all the pain. It was shocking, I think I might have been speaking spanish too. But I woke up and was like, where the fuck am I? Like I said the side of my face was burnt, and I was kinda concerned, the guy working at the nursery looked at me as I walked around to get my bearings. I didn't say anything to him. I told my friend I probably almost died. My hair-do told me I had vomited. My shirt was kinda gross. And my pants were ripped, which suprise me. I think I feel off th median. And for anyone reading this thinking I am horrible stupid person, I'm not. We had a good night, I swam in the pool, and was real nice to people. I had a few beers, maybe five counting the dos equis, and I was downstairs, I was handing out water to people. And English was pooring me shots in my water and a little dr. pepper. He would poor a little and I would drink a little, poor a little, drink a little, until the bottom was real strong, I don't remember finishing the drink. I remember three things well, groping his girlfriend upstairs in the dark in some hallway, creepy, punching myself in the nuts the first time, and standing on the median. It took me a little while even after I had awoke to regain serious control. All in all, I would say it was fun. 030705 ... phil It's not a sun burn on my lower back, it's a rash from laying in the grass/chemicals. My left eyelid stings, I sleep with my eyes open which makes people think I'm dead all the time. It's a good thing I didn't go blind. 030706 ... phil my throat is kinda tender. 030706 ... phil ( you see I didn' really have my pants off, I was just dreaming) 030721 ... phil I remember that day, up there. ya, well I got fired for work cause I was drunk pissed off showed up late and went home early fuck 'em so.. it is almost christmas and a happy new year I had a dream I was all fat and drinking mountain dew, sheesh so I said ok, when I weigh 175 I will start watching what I eat so I went to weight myself... 175 good thing I didn't choose precise workind, ahve to be more careful next time, I know what it is, I rode my bike all fall and now that I stopped I am full of... something anyways, ya, the holidays? just got back from thanksgiving at my grandma's slept most of the time but was awake more than I had hoped for that basement always reminds me of guitar, and well now I am just thinking about basements there have been few matt's basement the fightclub basement the guitar taping and the bad eggs at least, that TYPE of basement but what am I talking about it is the season to watch the Grinch Who Stole Christmas and try to figure out how to get gifts for people and then of course, when the big day comes, I sleep in to about 4 pm. I still haven't gotten shot yet which is good news you rarely here suck good news I think my body is rejecting eggnog 031204 ... phil I feel hing over even though I haven't been drinking... if only I'd known. Why do headphones fit so snug over my eyes? 031204 ... Fuck you [Because you've got a fucking small head.] 031204 ... phil My folks are asswipes. 031214 ... phil I am happy with myself. My license still hasn't returned to me. I had a dark dream of the bad side of town. Echelons of evil. Theft, organized crime. carelessness, military bases, old men, and hippies. I have dreams that run along my day dreams, about women and balance. My wishes are starting to turn into actions and my habits into memories. Nothing haunts me, I am free, only a cage could keep me unhappy. Poor birds. I drew my backyard. Games are evil. 040524 ... phil I am fucking stupid I don't have anywhere to go the path stopped I was walking to your house you gave me hope you didn't give me emotions you didn't change me I wish I had figured it out I wish we weren't living in the gutter but people use drugs because life is shit crack, that is just fucking stupid and marijuana is worse than cigarettes I feel sorry for anyone, all our friends I feel sorry for you people lose sight of what they need you can't learn it in a day I want it to stop this kind of shit that keeps coming back to haunt me and friends my problems with girls I don't really have anything to give to you, and it hurts I am missing the pieces between you like me and don't call all I know is you like me I still wouldn't know why even if you called and told me never to talk to you again even if you did 040812 ... phil I don't really have anything to give to you the path stopped at your house I wish I had figured it out I feel like we're living in the gutter marijuana is worse than cigarettes even if you called, it hurts but you can't be afraid to tell the truth to people 040812 ... phil first off all, you all suck i spent the first 2.5 hours of my day wrote email, read monty python script, went to bathroom, ate three pieces of french toast spent recent 2.5 hours playing video game watching partial Zoolander writing this entry drank MtDew. Think about mean people. Now I go read a book, get clean (brush teeth, shower, change clothes, wash clothes) then next 2.5 hours (3:30 - 6:00), going to store, eating dinner, look for a friend. Until 8:30 finish watching zoolander, watch million dollar hotel/other crap on TV. 11:00 half asleep doing nothing. 041222 ... phil Some years ago I asked myself a question after I go through all this school have a kid make enough money then what, what do I get what is life really about. (shakes head) the first thing I thought of was helping other people. The easiest way to do this is simply by not hurting other people. A lot of people must think it has to do with money and get mixed up sort of, and end up hurting a lot more than they help. Mixed in there is also kind of this hopeless thought of helping every living creature, but jeez, I'm just to stupid for that. Most of the time I actually spent sitting around. I guess I was thinking a lot at the time but it's not the sort of thing you can recall easily. I read some of the journal I had been keeping. But it was full of nonsense and a few drawings I had seen a million times anyways, so I chucked it. I guess that was a mistake, why not keep it, but I was trying to get organized. Well after a while I did become organized as hell and in the meanwhile aside from wasting time thinking about stuff all the time I managed to pick up on a few freetime activities, working in video games, which drew me into school. Although I quickly learned it was not the sort of thing I wanted to try as a career. Of my own accord I started taking another class instead. Film. I worked on one or two projects, but it wasn't a deep enough field for me to become very interested. The photography and art history courses seemed more full of interest, more pursuit. Now I find it's much easier to relax and read and pick up on new activities. Although the area I live in still isn't very sports enthusiastic. I don't mean watching TV and eating bacon, I mean actually enjoying sports. Landing jobs became easier as I developed a sense of closure to the work. Paying off tickets, buying airline tickets, paying for sports. These sorts of things drove me. It wasn't often I just wanted money on a whim, but it did happen occasionally and makes me wonder how I will ever learn to control my spending. I can't exactly remember what I wanted to buy at the time, but it was damn important, the kind of thing you wish you could remember now that I have a job. I also overcame a lot of BS that I picked up along the way, my own personal beliefs of how things work out. Why I get distracted, worrying about going to hell. Although I also came to realize some age old concepts about the lack of true friendship people seem to attract and kind of the utter absurdity of ever finding the right person to marry you. I still don't have an overwhelming sense of courage that allows me to ask people any old question I feel likfe asking. But perhaps that is for the best since I am not sure how they would react, if they would try to retaliate. Why does my dad smoke, why does my mom go to church, why does so many people seem to not need me. How do these people really feel about me, and what are the chances of scoring with various different people. I can tell you, life seemed pretty thin and unappealing for quite a while, after I failed my college classes, and I didn't feel all that capable of continuing on in life. But, damnit, if anyone was in the same boat I was in I certainly wasn't helping them any. There had to be people that had the same feelings I did, felt as disconnected from everyone as I did. I started feeling kind of sad about the condition, sad about how I knew things weren't really this way, how it was all in my head. And that, no matter how much I new logically that things weren't working the way, the bad sort of way, I saw them as, I still saw them that way. I felt kind of... mad at god. As if he just wanted me to be happy, and forcing me to change without the need to change, himself. Then I realized this must not be god I was thinking of, but other people. Then I realized, if I changed, maybe everyone else would kind of change at the same time. Making this happen proved to be pretty impossible. Then I remembered that there always seemed to be thses miraculous people you meet, that seem to work outside your normal viewpoint. School and work put me in contact with a lot of people. So i made a sheet, of things I needed to do. To better myself, part of this was getting acquainted with people, reading, doing things I felt like doing. Now, when I feel like doing something, I like to get up that instant and get it done. It feels kind of weird. I used to just lay around and keep it in mind until I was almost out of time. I still kind of do that I guess. The first girlfriend I had had in several years, seemed to good to be true, it almost made me weep, but she was shy and I was a little to clingy for her, so it didn't work out. But it kind of upset the stoic equilibreum I had myself trapped inside of, and I had direction, and I knew opportunities to change your life came around about twice a year, and this was a big one. So I kept calling her, and upsetting myself. Driving a lot of emotions. Then something happened, after I met my next girlfriend. I could, I can't explain it, it seems to simple and pointless, but it is positively the most important thing to happen to me since peanut butter. Something moved inside of me that had been dormant, and that one event I was still a little sore, it all dealt with basic human sex drive, and having a girlfriend. I wonder how long this had been building up, who's fault it was, I had felt so dead inside. I thanked my lucky stars I had stayed away from drugs, or tried to do things someone else's way, and I don't think I did anything to stupid during my stupor, just stayed alone alot. One thing I learned is that... you can't help other people who have this problem. I was hoping to come out with some sort of solution, or someone to thank and endorse. But no. It's all pretty shitty. My old journal stuff was pretty dumb I guess. But I know at the time when I was writing it it seemed like a once in a lifetime event. stuff like "reavealing the shape of your mind" and "questioning what no one eelse seems to question", turns out to be pretty worthless compared to, brush your teeth, read chemistry, greet someone new. I think one of the major setbacks was the way my mom always rapped about all the things I needed to do. It's like she overstated the obvious and drove me away from it. And alos, seriously, I wish I had some god given power and control over my life, like a samurai sword or a way to explode people's brains inside their head. I still have feelings looking back on my old journal entries, not refering to these right here, of bitterness angst and turning out to be who I am without a lot of personal choice in the matter. But the way I was going about solving this was kind of assbackwards. I just didn't to corrupt myself with power or anything. Although I am sure, if I had the opportunity, those urges to destroy the world might have been taken back before it was too late. Are people inherently evil? I don't know, most people who seem at all evil are just stupid, and real evil is generally 1 in (let's see) about 500 people or maybe even less. And it's hard to discern... 050116 ... phil self_trust 050116 ... ♥ i still care about you. don't sell yourself short. the fact that you're considering all of this, pontificating, gives you more worth than most of the people i know. 050116 ... sister PHIL YOU THINK TOO DAMN MUCH i didn't read it all, i don't have that much time. and i guess it would be rude or something. 050301 ... phil Psychology sounds about as much like bullshit as Qigong, or telekynesis for those not familiar with the ancient Chinese practice of Qigong. In my opinion, and I think this can be proven 100% accurate, is that Qigong is a lie, that no one can transmit energy outside of their body and the feeling is available for anyone who believes in them. But if you test you find it is purely a psychological effect. That shows us how gullible we all are, even a scientist bent on disproving it may feel "something", not quuite explainable, but when a test is devised which eliminates are ability to see the Qigong master, or differentiate between a "master" and an ordinary person, it is disproven. I have always been obsessed with natural phenomenon, how does love work, what powers do we as humans have over our world, and which of the many things that we percieve as true are actually false. Things like humans being a weak animal who only survives using the mind or using the mind to become physically stronger. The solution to my questions has always been a pain in the ass for me, because it is an unproven science without valid evidence and a myriad of claims. I am convinced however that the lies surrounding fighting, meditation, and our connections and outer world must be misproven, and that anyone claiming to possess magical powers is taken for their word. I was just examining claims made for certain martial arts, the power to control your emotions, as taken from Tai Chi, and various independent sources had me convinced that you could somehow take your bad chi, your anger and ineasiness, your emotional pains, and retune that with the natural state of the universe. I always wanted to possess telekensis. I want to fly around in my body, and have found that dreams are a great place to experience the impossible dream. Now it seems that my dreams are being squelched by a lack of money, my dreams involve seeing the world, traveling by motorcycle, that is one dream with no real goal, but something which can only be found on the road. I decide other dreams could happen, from experiences I enjoyed. I enjoy going on long bike rides or walks through the city, I hear walking through mountains is great too. I have seen california and colorado, the desert of Utah, and many more little things inbetween. Why do I spend a year looking at the inside of an apartment, when these adventures are mainly free, because I can't go off an walk because I don't have time. Today I have a wedding to go to. I don't seem to want to do anything until I have an excuse not to do it. I never liked to read but now I have glasses, sitting too long hurts my back, running hurts my arms. Now I just read an excerpt from Overcoming Hurt and Anger By Dwight Carlson, and he says my pain and my aimlessness results from anger being mistreated and he has the solution and he lists the old solutions and says they fail, he talks about feeling victimized etc. Here is my problem with that, every anger has to reasons for coming into being. One person who is afraid and one person who is a dick. I have beena dick before, sure I have chased a kid around threatening to beat him up, as we lose our train of thought. How about this, all these ideas, if they are so wrong, why don't we forget them? OK... So you see everything I said previously, now consider the ability to take all these confusing thoughts and push them all away and say... problem solved, I now know the solution, it is this or that or whatever you want. Now I do what I want when I want and everything seems to work out. That is the power of LSD. You take it and it is like a mountain of thoughts and information and solution seeking. They go away because while you are on LSD, your body is racing, your mind is racing, it is like exercise, when you get done... what the fuck am I talking about. The idea is that you can somehow deprogram your mind of fallices and see reality more clearly and be able to prove and disprove for personal reasons a lot of questions you have had. What good is personal belief and what damage does LSD cause though. It makes it impossible to be yourself, you are so uneasy your mind is like a buzzing conumdrum, no one understands, and all you have are lies about how this is somehow all your fault for not doing this or that right. Wrong! LSD did this to me and that is that. People look for solutions for why this and why that, and the solution is, do you remember taking LSD, well this is what happens, it is like stepping out of a car. I feel like stepping out but if I do I have reprocussions, you don't feel them right away, and it seems to solve your dillema of wanting to step out of cars, but what a horrible consequence, LSD is much the same way. There is no single way to describe the pain afterwards, believe me and not some nice present with a bow from some guy who hasn't been where I have been, it is like being tied to a table in your mind, it is like loving someone and losing them. I lost myself from a consequence of spiritual matters and reality splitting dreams and revelations of questionable excistence and in that state I lost myself, and that is something bad. The feeling of bad, I couldn't shake, believing in what I saw or not made no difference, it was much more than a feeling though, it was something that LSD changed and I had no power to change back, it was being misunderstood by everyone, not being able to experess myself as I once had, not being able to say something at the right time, I had lost my touch and was now an idiot. The problems feel on one another until you didn't know which problem to address first, the main problem is the solution. Wait for three years is what I figured, by how bad it felt, it was like a roller coaster that started at a quick drop, the feeling of high would then slowly drift out on the tracks, like a radioactive thing until it finally reached a tolerable level. I deduced from the initial change in feeling when compared with my normal mind of youth and the speed and deceleration of change, that it would take years. So while you are tripping there are a number of things that you do that you don't see. When you write you often forget something that you only thought but failed to write, when you trip you do this 100 times worse, as you get into things. There also becomes present a constant fear of the unknown as you need to just guess as what is going to happen next, constantly, I mean. Take this example from one trip I was on: Me and mny friend ben were walking together in a museum, we looked at the artwork, we had taken LSD, we were losing our minds, we watched some artwork swirl around, I told Ben to let the swirling carry over onto the wall, then the floor, then the swirling covered even ourselves, and this really weirded Ben out. He even tried touching a painting and got told not to touch paintings over an intercom. We left shortly after. The looming sensation is that if anyone figures out you are tripping then they can fuck with you very easily and you are so sensitive to everything any bad experience would be mutliplied by 1,000. My bad experience was on mushrooms, I felt crummy, I had failed out of college, I had no way to support myself, my car was going to be destroyed soon and I didn't know what was wrong with it. My friends didn't like eachother so I couldn't hang out and be happy anymore with any of them, because they didn't like eachother and more so there friends didn't like me, or I didn't like there friends, or the drugs changed your moods so you like someone one minute and not so much the next, Ben had left, and I was driving through Lincoln and people hated me, because I was some loser college kid who was out driving through Lincoln with mushrooms in the car and some chemical imbalance in his head. I couldn't relax, I couldn't go into a room and relax and sit down and take it easy, always before when I felt good and happy about where I was it was because I was trying to get away from something but I felt energized by that something at the same time. That something that was missing now would remain missing to this day and I can't say exactly what it was. The essence of life. It feels like any place I went to before, it taps that feeling, it is a place in my mind that sees some light, but a light that takes many forms, the light of my childhood, when I say in James dorm room there was a light that lit upon James and his life, that lit upon the people that came and went, that lit James story about not fitting in as a college student, it was me, my special way of thinking and experiencing something for the first time, it was my position as a college student, it was the possibility of being free from curfue, free to do what I like, and now because of LSD that light was fading. As I drove to James that night, I was going to take shrooms for the last time, ever. I was doing this because LSD and mushrooms had totally fucked up my life, but I wanted to see one more time what exactly these drugs were. I didn't want to really, i knew they were stupid and useless and ultimately it would be bad for me, but seriously folks, after what I had been through one last time was not going to hurt me, but I had to know, I had to see, was the confusing mess of images splicing with non-reality really a chose, did I choose what I saw and make it happen, was it an influence of the drugs opening the mind to see something that everyone else might see, or was it just me seeing what I wanted to believe was true. It was going to be a bad trip, I was in a bad mood, I drove around that night, it seemed like I went all over town. That I saw so many parts of the town and I had such paranoid thoughts about little things I had been working out in my mind. Silly things, like believing the paranoia that Dan was out to get me, that the reality I had been in was all just a lie. I guess it was because I found it hard to take in so much information about the world outside of my parent's house and our little street and my dorm room in context of the college. I was out of the maze, you see, out of what I was supposed to be doing, I was exploring, and I was sure someone was trying to get me to go back into the maze, or that something horrible was going to happen out there, or that I was going to be laughed at by those outside of my maze, for being so lame. Do I still hurt people, yes, am I still a dick, yes, I don't even realize it. I don't realize that they don't realize it and I don't forgive them, and I can't udnerstand because I am never a dick! So I have taken a lot of different experiences, getting threatened, and lumped them together in thought, seeing beauty and lumped them together in thought, sex, lump, school, lump, and when you look back you don't see what really happened, so it is kind of hard to right about it. Did I read that in a psychology book, do I believe that now because I read it, or is it a natural state of being that everyone thinks but never bothers explaining, is it something I have forgotten. It is annoying you know, no one seems to look at the world in the same way, seriously though, answer my question is this simply reality or is it something I was told, that we lump our memories together. What does being lazy in the mind really mean, is lumping lazy? Do you love me, and if so can we have sex? and why not? or get over here now. Does money stop you from anything? or is it everything! I don't have any friends, does anyone else feel like who they are has been lost and they lost all their friends and now they are almost hopeless because they need to find a friend who they will probably never meet, to answer these questions. God damnit, why the fuck are we all so fucked up! I hate sitting around doing nothing TJ, can we get up and go, God I don't know, anywhere but here. This place is so fucking disgusting and boring. I need a bucket of red paint or something, GOD!!! Don't you see that you are a fucking piece of shit, that your life is going down into a tube? Why the fuck can't I see you today, to see how it turned out, why don't you care enough to help me with my problems, why are we just 5 minute friends who have hung out now for 5 days. You make me fucking sick, I make myself fucking sick for not saying anything. I want to skate, I want to have fun. I cannot hold a job, I do the work, I wear deoderant, I brush my teeth, I show up on time, I take the breaks and go back to work, I try and they say it is because I work to slow, I try but the guy I am working with gets angry, I am told I have an attitude problem, I ask for explanation or reasons and no one gives them to me, I got fired for being sick, my boss said she was sorry, GOD!!! Why can't I get that job back, why can't I work at the newspaper again, where I have experience, I left on good terms, they are looking for people. I have writing for hours, this is only one page!?!?!?! WTF!!!!! I read and I have no response, I have no time to read, where are the responders, this game was fun, now it is old, how do I get out of this game, what am I going to do with my life. That fucking questions, what I was planning. Why can't I answer that. It enrages me, why can't I say what I am planning to do with my life. God damnit, I want to walk around and look at things, what solution is that? Fuck me. I need to pay credit card bills and rent, how the fuck am I going to do that when I feel like walking around. Oh but Phil, you must pay rent you need to get your priorities straight... WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, GOD DAMNIT SHUTUP, GIVE ME FUCKING MONEY OR SHUT THE FUCK UP. My dad gave me $5000. He also paid for school. Damnit, why isn't this working. I work and work and then what, I fucking die? A year has gone by and I have made no progress... it is lame as fuck. If I stop working now everything will just get spent and then what??? I have nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to, Heidi says she loves me, then she bothers me for playing a video game, she bothers me for staying up when she wants to sleep, I beg her to stop watching TV all the time, I just want to finish reading a book, I want to make paintings, but those things take time, I need to get a job, she told me I needed to get a job, that she can't do this on her own. That really pisses me off because I pay the fucking rent, it is raining outside, it is fucking Saturday, she is giving free haircuts to friends, they are probably just using her for free hair cuts, why doesn't she care, why don't I get free whatever from my friends, I get free haircuts from Heidi, but what does that mean? Now that she gives free haircuts to these people and now I have to go to their wedding, I can't say I won't enjoy it though, and the food is good. My neck cramps up, when I am writing, when I am driving, I do stretching, it feels better. I no longer need to study yoga or anything, I just find what hurts and I stretch it or relax it or rub it or rub around it, closer to the heart, I have a reference book for muscles, I study martial arts for free on the internet, listening to interviews, watching fights, wrestling with my brother who is taking Karate. Do I teach people, do people trust me, do I make money? No... it seems like something that you could make money with, but how? I have a car, it still runs, I want to sell it, I need to fix a few thing first, I have a garage that needs some shelves. I need to buy some screws, I need to work on the cars electrical parts. Why does this take .5 years to finish? Damn, I could have had this done earlier, right? I don't do it because I am scared, because I have just enough money for rent and don't want to spend it on fixing this car, because, what if I don't sell it. If I get a job then I don't have time to fix it. If I don't get a job I will be in even a harder situation. If I had a garage with a light and room to work, it would be no problem, but that would require moving. So what do I do? I need to poop. It is tiring, and I was tired for three years? I do know that something woke up inside of me after that long hybernation, and that I was deeply confused by that time. Me and Ben walked back to the dorm rooms, we went up the elevator I am sure, luckily the place was empty. And in the commons room we started to hit the walls. I hit the wall to see a ripple of energy like a lake pond spread out. It is my belief, now, that we were conditioned to see that, because Ben saw the same thing. It is an odd coincidence if we both imagined it, rather it is more likely that the same LSD we both took and our equal level of awareness of its effects, our closeness, led us to seeing the same thing. That fateful night of the last mushroom I seperated from my buddy, and we both had horrible experiences at roughly the same time, he was threatened by an opposum, I was threatened by a car full of people picking up drugs from a nearby house. Then our realities seperated even further, he had seen his sister fucking two guys and taking it in the butt. That is weird, the weird thing is I liked his sister to and the idea, well, nevermind... at that point the evening was over and as I left, more confusing streets, going back not the way I had came in and not sure exactly about where I was going. Not only had I forgotten about school, I had forgotten about work. Then I made the greatest mistake of my life, that blasted table. I stole it from some hallway, and me and friends took turns drawing and signing it like a cast. It wouldn't fit in my car, so I left it, on my way to the car I did find a book someone left behind and thought how similar these fates were. I don't even remember Dan moving out of the dorm room, but he did and I was left with a shambled place. I had taped an outline of my face to a mirror, my reflection had become somewhat disturbing, I can't believe I used to bother shaving... I was a lame duck. The face in the mirror looked like Dan's face after I was done. That was the room it happened in to, that was the table I did not sit to meditate on while my mind was racing. After the experience there however, my mind was clear, and there was a definite enlightment experience, was this mental muting the fabled grail of the East which I had been seeking, was the movement of things and changing of the perception the art of chanelling energy, had I gained infinite wisdom. I think I did. I think it was. And I think that meditation and getting enlightened is all very real stuff. I thing the energy is real, per se, however, I believe this stuff is confusion. I think the ancient chigong masters believed in flying and believed in psychic powers because LSD lifted the shield and you could do it without LSD. That is the thing, LSD is unecessary, it provides no information on it's own, it only, apparently, destroys old information and replaces it with the new information. And that is the trick, LSD sort of superizes your mind by clearing it's memory and overclocking the processor allowing information to flow in, thoughts to spin around, and perception to increase. I believe it is an increase in perception, and perception is our greatest flaw and weakness. I think it is by perception that wew are tricked by our own lies, energy transfering and moving people, which is clearly false, yet there is something there, something meaningful. They say that shcizophrenics, artists, shamans, etc. draw inspiration from within, from microscopic perceptions. I feel in much the same way we believe in the powers of things we cannot explain, believing we can do things we cannot do, but things that are none the less possible, only we are not normally capable of doing. I think science is interesting because of it's visibility, oh yes I see, and it's proof, no matter how it is tested it is true. I love it, in fact, however the unexplained things still need reasons. Some believe that we can imagine something beyond reality, beyond ourselves, I think we are limited to our experiences. The craziest dream is something we have experienced. that every whim of our imagination is real, if you can think it then it is real and it can be done. What strange dreams. My greatest dream has been infinity nothingness. Or an all consuming destruction. Can it be possible? Should it be done, is life one hell hole? I don't know, but I imagine the atomic forces, and gravity, and think, sure, the moon floats, the planets float, everything seems to have amazing powers, so why can't my human form, then you think there must be a way, everyhing we do is controlled by some part of the mind, our heart, our lungs, sense must travel to the mind, there must be something in the mind which is our whole self, and what is outside or seperate is a dead thing, we cannot, at least, feel it. So this mind, is it the same mind that controls our breathing or heart or other instinctive actions? Or are these other dead systems. So then we are sittign in a cockpit of sorts and we do not die. What is the experience without the body like? I know that I had a very special experience and I know it was very real. I know this because it only makes sense. The psychologist may explain that we need anger and we can't bottle up anger and all that crap, but I know that I do not fear an angry person, that there is a connection between us, and that I am not angry, that I am at peace, he says it is a danger and I say it discounts practically the whole of psychology for him to say that. Where is his proof? What proof can there be? That we NEED anger, that my anger is still there even though I don't percieve it. Where is it then, if I don't percieve it, bottled up inside, where inside? He warns it will explode at innapropriate moments. It hasn't done that yet. In fact I think he is full of shit. Which gets me to my point. I am a zen master. I can clear my mind of thoughts and I also believe that I have some sort of god-like grace that preserves me and keeps me safe and puts things inmy favor. From my times when I was tripping and my closeness with the energies of the universe at that time, I feel that I have made many miracles happen, maybe not ones that can be seen now. Maybe you want to lock me up, but I have heard about these experiences in writing and music, but it can be so easily confused and hard to decifer meanings, but no, I think I know what paul simon means in his song when he says the shadows of his mind on the wall, because I have seen them, they never seem to change, and in his song he says it is like a maze, his life follows, interesting theory. I like Paul Simon, for his music, and basically because I don't know him. Another thing is that, take for example, the 6 healing sounds. Sure, I believe they heal you, I believe it. Listen to me, you see what you feel when you trip, a wave will come and wash over you and heal you, or drown you. Another thing I disagree with is mysticism. I don't disagree that we cannot see chakras and auras, but does an aura mean what they say it means, how do they know what they mean, when i was born means my personality and blah blah blah, what you could say it means anything and that is because we, and by we I mean our personalities, are vast and you can say someone has this personality, which is true, but personality is what you want it to be. I had a voice in my head,I still do. It wants me to believe whatever I believe about whatever I believe in, to be true. It doesn't want me to question anything it just want things to be accepted as they are. It wants me to question myself instead, not to question what is outside but what is inside. This voice is part of my mind, my mind has always been it's own thing. Sometimes I think of random crap or loosely related things, like blurting landmines out mid-sentence, and I blame this voice, but it is a seperate thing in my mind, and the voice can make sense, it can talk to me and make me believe the presence it evokes. It has a presence of supreme intelligence of another place another world another plane of reality, it wants me to believe it, but it sucks at it. It was the main problem, or this thing that cannot be called a thing seperate from my own things, maybe it is really me just bothering me, I don't know, all I know is that Bruce, a guy from school, once told me we was trying to have out of body ecperiences, and when I heard this voice, which was two females talking, I thought I was not hallucinating, I thought it was really the voices of two people talking. I blared the radio eventually and felt better, however, the voice said something funny, it called me a fag. I was a little shy about my sexuality but I can honestly say only what people want to hear about, I don't go around telling people I like poking my butt, but it was something I felt like doing so I did it. I associate being gay with hate and violence and bigotry and that sort of thing, so when the voice started doing that I got offended a lot. I felt the voice was trying to "do" something, that it was not doing this without reason, or I couldn't help but think that. I ignored it a great while, maybe really like 10 minutes, or tried to sleep it off but anyways I probably got a panic or got angry and couldn't stop from attacking the voice, only... how do you attack a voice in your head. I matched it's statement of fag, with fuck you, eventually, after trying to reason with it, even admitting I was a fag, I argued that if I was gay, what, should I go fuck some guy? I couldn't fuck a girl, I wouldn't ask a girl, hey do you want to fuck... anyways I didn't feel comfortable with this voice there, I felt like it was intruding on my personal space, and I wanted to know if anyone else had the voice in their head too. If it was something strange that everyone had. Then it got fucking weird. You don't walk up to someone and ask, hey, do you have a voice in you head that turned itself on for the first time this morning? Well, one option of course was taking medication to get the voice to go away, but I thought, shit, this is my mind we are talking about here, so I calmly listened to it and tried to realize it was just myself saying this over and over, and it was, it was just myself. But that is a problem, because why... I think probably because some part of my brain got fuck or cut off from the drugs and was screaming for help, or some other crazy thing. That is about the most sense I have ever made of it. But for a while it seemed like maybe it was real. I had fun with the idea, hey what if invisible people are in the room with me. It seemed posibble with this voice in my head, so here is the weird part. Other people, when you stare at them trying to see if they have a voice in your head (I don't mean stare! I mean, cleverly try to figure it out without being too overt) basically I would look at the person, maybe say hi, and say something like, so..... how is it going? Not to weird, but if they had a voice in there head it would be a clue, I am ready to talk. Of course no one else had any damn voice in their head, but they would do some crazy stuff, at the suggestion I was insane probably just by looking at me you could tell, one guy raised his hands up and almost howled, it was weird, maybe we was stretching, but no one seemed to react, he seemed to be staring right at me. Then a girl said thanks to me, out of the blue, like she was a ghost and I had noticed her and freed her spirit. Man. I tell you, after you have seen so much crazy shit on LSD, these ideas are not far-fetched, they are normal. For all I knew the world was a giant jig-saw puzzle that would slide around spraying saw-dust between the grooves, changing the very surface of reality into an untangible mess of random activity, my hand would be 16 feet to the left opening a door knob I was standing on. Who the fuck knows? I was concerned to say the least. The more I tried the crazier shit I could get to happen with my mind, I fucking saw God. I know probably many people get to say that and have every right to, and I am just one more, but I fucking saw it, I saw the whole thing. It was an experience so amazing, not for itself, but for how much I needed it, and how right it was at that moment. That moment when my worries seemed to dissappear and I felt good. That happens to everyone, or else you don't really live. I get why people say that. I also know it is hard to pass along because you have insane hallucinations that you think are real. Basically the power comes from you, I don't know what you have going wrong with yourself, but overcoming whatever that is, that is enlightnment, and more, but mainly that I think. It is when it dawns on you that, oh yeah, this is what it means to excist, life and people and your body and all that stuff is one thing, but jsut yourself, what is that experience like, that is enlightenment, when you ask and ask and question what am I what is real why this and why that, but they are all questions about perception, and exploring your perception, messing with perception and all that. I know exactly what it is, and I am sure everyone is tired of hearing the computer is a brain metaphors, but damnit, it is when your mind goes, STOP FUCKING AROUND, and just reboots, because you are well on your way to proving that you don't even excist, and your brain is not going to let you do that. I don't know. Maybe that is wrong. Ok, it is the way in which we look inside of the world and see the plant growing. ??? I don't know that just came out, maybe poetry does explain it best. Look, I can write poetry. Tree birds singing lofty candle wax ridden holocaust trapping saw dust making drill holes together. (Seems random, but it is not and through exploring what I have written, using it like a clay, I can write amazing shapes) So I have this constant babbling brook in my head of just Qi, is all I can call it, it lacks definition, maybe raw data but not feedback, it's of course not random I choose to spray it out, but the words come from some mechanism in there that just makes words come out, I can't explain, my question is, why how, hu does the human mind work? What are the right questions to ask. The question why has an appeal, evidently you can why anything and even ask why to existence itself, leaving only god available to answer, but you could just as easliy ask how. Who the fuck is going to answer that one? How does pop taste good, how do we excist, how is there gravity? I think the answers to those questions don't require us asking why, which is probably a silly question. The answer to why in total is simply yes. Why this? Yes. It does do that, The next question is HOW? It feels like I got my firs answer, why, answered by God in my enlightenment, if you want to call it that, I call it meditation and losing control of your mind and being controlled by some outside force which draws you into enlightenment. Ya, that is the real weird part, maybe this voice is trapped in me, after it tried to control my body, after I left my body, but no... I was pulled out... but I don't think so, look at the 4th dimension example of an apple on a sheet of paper. I think it was not coincidence I think I position myself, after I got close to seeing. I don't know, but it feels like I am waiting. Like I used a ticket with LSD and now that ticket is gone, doing more acid will not get me there again, and it is harder to do it naturally because of LSD, or because of the experience, so I wait for the chemical to fill back up so it can spill in an enlightenment moment, I dont get it. I clearly did not recieve a very straight forward, or complete answer, or else I could do more than just stop thoughts from my own mind, oh great, so now thoughts I can't control from another mind are in there. That voice was another mind meant to replace mine if it totally got destroyed. I absorbed that other mind, both equally valid, but I feel that I survived. I theorize that even if I did have magical powers to turn on a tv remotely, the tv remote is even easier. I feel that if I have the power to set things on fire with my thoughts, I could do it with a lighter. Use a heating pad instead of qi, or electricity. Who says this universal energy or earth energy or any type of Qi is ultimately good or healing. Maybe it is an evil. I don't know. What can I do that is special. Then I have to wonder... ok you have guitarist, they practice guitar, then you have typist who can type fast, does this writing make me a typist? I can be called a photographer because I went to school for it, or a videographer, even especially when I video tape everything. But what am I when I sit and ramble to myself non-sensically about what I know not? What am I, who knows what I know? Is there a name for someone who just clearly is enlightened, but with nothing to show for it, and who thinks the whole thing is a useless insane mad maze of men who don't have any idea what they are talking about and believe some crazy stuff it would be better to just forget who worries less about his death than abosolute insanity. I don't want our minds to be like this, I don't want to end the universe or medicate everyone, I think inside this place, this mind, there is a solution to our madness. Things that make us wrong, all of us, not just the Nazis, but everyone, maybe it is fear. Maybe by being fearless I can solve the problem. I don't want to be stupid, just fearless, but how can you be fearless when you are naturally afraid and fear controls our minds because we simply evolved that way and the mind is not ours 100% to control and we can't even trust ourselves really, with suicide, which, hey, that is bad, isn't it? and everyones answers to everything, and the common every day answer, of well duh? quit thinking about it all the time. I mean you are just going to die someday and that is it. But I can't believe that at all, as a logical person I can't say that this will end without any proof. I can't say that the universe was created, only that it is and always has been and always will be and every particle in it including ourself and that strange awareness we seem to possess. My only logical thought on the matter is that all matter in the universe is equal in size and perception and that who "we" are (our percieving self) is just an atom or electron or string or whatever that happened to sit in just the right place during the birth and here we are. Which makes me wonder, is my father or mother around, do they percieve, or do we all percieve. I think we all percieve. Why are some thoughts tiring and hard to deal with, why do I get so tired from writing this. Why is it 12:10 right now... can reality be trusted to always be reality, can I feel safe knowing no immediate danger, apparently for years, will befall me suddenly sitting at this computer, can I truly let me guard down once in a while and believe in the unseen and unknown, what is literally around us when we are not looking, to be safe? Ok, so here is my final thought for today... suppose there is evolution or at the very least change, or a beginning is a better word, supposing there is a beginning, in the beginning of ourselves, by which I mean me, not the actual me but the effort by which I excist, the things led directly to me, that which created me, the innocent child if you will, what does that thing do. If it doesn't have any worries, if it gets what it wants, what do you call that, what good is that? Just basic simple existence and happiness and the warmth of love and the clarity of mind. Absence of fear, before we knew of death and pain and were able. The moment just before the first icy tinge of painful reality completely changed our perception, what were we then, how did we feel? Did we know why we were there, were there thoughts? What was going on? Now if I imagine that and don't lose it and go outside to work or find a job or fix my car or go to the bar or say hello to a neighbor, then what do I say to that neighbor. Hey neighboor, I sure love being alive. Will that be enough for me? No, I want the emotions, the flight, the chase, the happiness, and all the crazy patterns of rising and falling and going through life and getting pushed and pulling, I want to live, I want it all, I don't want the simple single minded void. But... isn't that single minded silent purely peaceful sort of ew. Is that mind set horrible, do people hate it. Here is my problem with society. Oh we are all innocently paving over the natural trees that you cuold use for food and locking the doors we have built from those trees so you cannot get inside and opening factories of things other than the necessities of food and sleeping. Then there are those damn things that keep trying to kill and eat us. Let's not ever forget that crap. But war, seriously folks I don't get it. No matter how you cut it, a human attacks another human and kills it. Who was wrong who was right, why was it done.= lame!@ I guess my personal drama goes back to, A) person a is popular kid B) person b is not well liked C) a doesn't want to talk to b, b wants to know what make a so popular D) and finally, when b hangs out with a it turns out to be drinking, which is retarded, but b drinks and a is unhappy. So b, that's me, tried to figure out, after drinking, what is something that b does that is always fun but does not involve a and b drinking, a doesn't want to do anything fun, and b really wonders why b was popular. Util finally we have E) The poor guy a was never happy with all those people that made him popular who were really only finding ways to use him and made him popular to use him. Sex, money, endangering him for personal amusement, having fun at his expense, etc. Now person b really wonders who the fuck all those other people think they are, it turns out they are just serious assholes who know they are assholes and stick together and are really just using and hurting eachother and b really wants to be left alone and go back to doing what b thinks is fun but feels responsible for all the trouble the assholes in the world are causing and wishes he could do something to help, and tried to share fun with people but finds people don't really need that much help to have a good time and maybe he was caught up ina small world of problems that he shouldn't feel responsible for, and no one wants to help him out of his problem. B didn't get to know to many people. Because he was not popular, the people he did get to know he didn't like because they were violent or drug abusers or weren't very respectful to me, b, and he really just doesn't udnerstand what makes people tick. I mean he doesn't even really understand his parents, but maybe he has a great understanding and it is just a bunch of subtle reasons, and resigns himself to cooking good food and reading a good book and listening to music even though he was convinced something amazing was going on. He hears about all these great stories and thinks he can live them all but really can only live his own great story and again wonders why worrying about every one else and trying to explain everything as a group phenomenon when all this stuff going on in his head is really just personal and doesn't need to be explained or shared, but then he thinks about great stuff, like G(64) and realized that detailed explanations can achieve amazing results and maybe he should keep searching, but he doesn't know what for, just searching for what others have found, since he can't search on his own, and he is kind of stuck in society, but all this does not explain why he can't hold a job. Because god damnit when he was truly happy someone kjept complaining and no one would explain the complaints or resolve anything and he got fired because he just got disillusioned by the whole thing and refused to be mistreated. I still refuse to get mistreated by other employees, damnit, and bosses seem to fire me because they hate me, also. I mean, it can be a horrible person that tells you that you are fired and the reason can be a lie, but you think it is true, so you think there is something wrong with you, and no one believes you, even your family stops believing you, like no one ever has a similar experience, even though I know my dad would yell at people at work he just doesn't get that I would get fired and that it has to be in some way my fault. You know, I shouldn't complain, because they paid for my education, and I am greatful, but only so greatful, because, they made me go to school, convincing me and paying for me, when I didn't feel I was ready, when there were too many things going on in my head to concentrate on school work, but oh no they were convinced that I would not go back after taking a break. And when I got back I didn't know what to think or say or do so I did just waste time, but damnit I bet that Dan guy really knew I was going to get fucked up from using drugs, but he started doing them when he was younger, and then I find out he doesn't even do them anymore. I really need to learn to control myself. Even where I live now my girlfriend is trying to control me, or at least she is losing her anger, or getting stressed out, or something weird is going on. I wish I could solve it so no one else has to go through what I go through. If I start my own business though, then I will have to put up with the clients shit and they are just as bad as the employers I have now, and I am just as bad because we are all humans, which leads to one questions would I rather be out in the woods full of wild animal or in an apartment surrounded by other humans. Probably the latter. But geez do I ramble. Is it just my personality that I care so much about all this stuff, because when i start to talk to someone, they usually jsut avoid talking to me about this kind of stuff, or I don't know, could it be I think about stuff that no one else thinks about, 'cause I seem to be better now than at least one other guy at the job of putting down floors, and I seem to be able to assemble combine parts, I know sure as hell I can keep a place clean, I obviously can serve customers and deal with patients, except I had horrible god-awfuil bosses. The last job I honestly lost due to poor performace was a custodian at a school, I was definitely pushing my luck on taking breaks and stuff, but I did the jobs OK, just not over the top, and then that principal asked me to clean the restrooms and I wasted all that time scrubbing the floors and actually did not clean a window that she wanted clean and I know the toilet bowl was still a mess, I did deserve to get fired. But I was going to quit in a month... and I did move to California. I delivered newspapers and did a decent job of it. You know I have done a lot of bad stuff, stealing has never really upset me, or people using drugs, I mean it seems normal, violence and rape and stuff, I don't know, if I can say that I don't care, does that make me a horrible person, or to say that I understand or that it could be me in a different day under the influence or after a certain chain of events that led me into an emotional panic. I don't know. Does it make me evil? Obviously we are all evil... but am I giving up on being good. I mean I don't steal stuff and don't do some things without thinking a bit about it first, that could be wrong, but it seems more like I am stealing from myself, or letting myself down by not accessing greater opportunities, like if I tried to photograph more maybe I could really sell my stuff, or if I had more confidence I could say I am a mechanic or a spanish translator, but whatever. I don't do that stuff 100% awesome and I know people who do it better, better guitarists, better writers, all better than me. I don't believe that stuff is true though, I am just puking. I enjoy life, the parts of it I like, and I suffer through a job and I have hopes and plans. I just think ealier I had some greater dreams than I do now. The more realistic dreams are a let down. It doesn't seem that anyone takes an interest in me much. 090815 ... phil Its nice to look back and see that things have gotten so much better. 110718 what's it to you? who go blather from