heidi loe just wondering what they would s ay if this exsited. 000625 ... loe just connecting the dots. 000627 ... forlorad lets make this all connect. 000627 ... enon yes ma'm we are. 000627 ... eveean fine. fine. im coming out. 000627 ... loe anybody else coming? 000627 ... enon no ma'm no. we are all here. 000627 ... idi we are all one in the same. aren't we. here is the dictionary. and i want someone to be mine. 000627 ... . : * p s y b o r g * : . I know a Heidi. She's weird. 011104 ... Piso Mojado she died this morning 040606 ... Piso Mojado she was 34 040607 ... dosquatch I'm sorry for your loss, wet floor. 040607 ... Piso Mojado she had been depressed before- although her depression of the last few days of her life she hid, she kept it to herself. and i wonder if i hadnt been so caught up in myself that night, what if i couldve changed the tragedy that is my/my father's life right now 040608 ... pete she never played live infront of people she didn't know before we coaxed her into going on the stage. it was only fair, she just did it to her boy friend five minutes before. she played a cat stevens song, the one that goes "i am old, but i'm happy." it was so beautiful, i can't believe she's never heard it before she played it. she just new the cords and the words. 040609 ... Piso Mojado we buried her this afternoon, a beautiful spot by a fountain and a newly planted tree 040609 ... Piso Mojado she loved lavender, peter/paul/mary, westside story, candles, the magnolia soundtrack, light blues and purples. No words i write can summarize her life/her life spark, but i have to try 040610 ... witchesrequiem Hair longer then her height. Always perky, happy.... What the Hell is wrong with her X. So cute ... Not sure if there is a brain back there...but you want to be around her anyway. 040611 ... Piso Mojado found out that she had a THING for peter paul and mary- somehow became friends with them- got back stage passes, signed pictures- like they were all close friends. This was from a girl who grew up in the disco era 040611 ... phil spike and heidi 040612 ... Piso Mojado my dad took all her pictures down, her pink towels that hung in the bathroom. books and clothes packed in boxes hidden away in the garage. he wants to erase her- ease the pain of everyday living. meanwhile, im wearing her necklace, her sweater, thinking her thoughts, wishing she was here. 040614 ... . http://www.mit.edu/people/nocturne/athena/text/woods.html#No_One_Is_Alone 040614 ... skinny meatballs, crazy drum breaks, red stuff 040624 ... Piso Mojado 21st bithday without her wish she was here we'd go to a bar and sip sour apple martinis and laugh about growing old and being adults 040726 ... Piso Mojado it wasn't supposed to be like this 040809 ... Piso Mojado was i the last person you talked to? and i wasnt listening. oh guilt. oh unchangable fate. oh permanence of death 041013 ... emmi there's something so beautiful about everything that's been blathed here 041014 ... Piso Mojado her gravestone will read Heidi L. Marx G.G. Chanah bat Avraham vSarah (in Hebrew letters) 10/8/1969 - 6/06/2004 Cherished Sister, Beloved Wife, Adored Step-Mother "More precious was the light in your eyes than all the diamonds in the world" 041130 ... Piso Mojado Because she was so beautiful how I write about her must be beautiful. Her unveiling is next weekend. I'm so scared to go home and see everyone and stand by her gravestone and be in the unbearable moment of the finality of her death. It's still so unreal, so unbelievable that she's really dead. 050215 ... Piso Mojado (portion of list i read for her unveiling) Heidi driving with her hands on the bottom of the steering wheel. Heidi meticulously putting on makeup in the bathroom- choosing outfits- deciding on jewlery. Heidi sipping coffee in the morning. Heidi politely saying no to seconds. Heidi lying on the couch, reading. Heidi and i sharing a knowing glance. Heidi drunkenly telling me to suck up the lobster leg like a bong hit. Heidi proud and pleasant- inviting me to coffee at the french cafe around the block to discuss self-mutilation. Heidi's face strong and pained and hurt and a small girls on the anniversary of her mother's death. Heidi's flatt butt so cute in her PJ's in the morning. Heidi sharing Clos Du Bois. Heidi eating edemame and sushi with soy-paper. Heidi and i clowning around for pictures in the redwood forest in northern cali. Heidi's beautiful, carefully chosen cards. Heidi holding me when Y and i had fought and i had come home crying and broken. Heidi and i going to friday night services and then dinner at islands. Heidi and i parking and then getting nonfat lattes before getting pedicures/manicures. Heidi laughing. Heidi crooning and rocking sleeping baby Winston. Heidi and Bengi sharing giggles and secrets at the dinner table. Heidi showing me her apartment and letting me sleep there. Heidi explaining to me about the crystal champagne flutes from tiffany's that she always wanted. Heidi talking about getting an MA in Chinese Medicine- scared and partially grossed out at the thought of touching strangers for accupuncture. Heidi and i laughing about HST, Abfab, the Office. Heidi wondering why she always craved cheetos when she was sick. Heidi reminding me that it's ok to pamper myself, to treat myself well with luxury. Heidi beautiful and done up in her wedding dress. Her thank you notes. Her blue eyes. Her tattoo. Heidi sharing how she hadn't been able to make it through the meditation retreat- how she conspired and talked with her roomates on the second day. Her hair, so well cut and colored. The smell of her perfume. How excited she was about France, her return from Greece. How nervous she was during my grandparents' 50th celebration weekend. How she picked bubblegum pink for the hallway. How she wanted pink uggs. Her coach purse. Lighting candles in the evening. Waiting for daddy to come home. Pale face, bags under her eyes- premakeup mornings. 050301 ... Piso Mojado i_miss_you 050429 ... Piso Mojado Has it really been a year that you've been dead (but not gone- more and more I know you are here- in me or in the universe- with your smiling face and twinkling blues eyes and your grace...) love you always 050606 ... Piso Mojado we visited her grave, my aunt uncle cousin and i and wept and remembered and then SO strongly, so vividly, i felt her there i saw her there smiling at us comforting it's ok, i'm ok so much love (im tearing up as i write this) 051208 ... Ouroboros 2 years yesterday And I feel sadness, and anger, and love. But mostly I feel detached. I want to honor her decision. I feel sad about how much pain she must have been in, and I often lament over experiences she is missing, moments when I miss her. But, she made her choice, and unless for some twisted reason there actually is a hell, I believe that she is either beyond her pain, in a better place, or simply not anymore. 060607 ... Ouroboros I can love you and remember you without trying to carry you 061003 ... Ouroboros life goes on with out you here paths diverged life and death 070414 ... Ouroboros 3 years yesterday time flies, but you're still you in my mind, still 34, still newly wed, bright and shining energy all those rituals of femininity- although i don't wear makeup and can't afford a hair cut, yesterday i went and got my toes painted red by a tiny vietnamese woman who sat by my feet. i tipped her well and left feeling like i had passed on your spirit, your kindness, once more in this world where you no longer can. i didn't visit the cemetary because nothing of you is there but a marble stone cut into the muddy grass. i carry you always within my heart and my memories, although sometimes the all encompassing love is replaced with anger and apathy. you made your choices, and i honor you for that. 070607 ... ever dumbening it trips me out that she was just six weeks older than i. 080107 ... Ouroboros that's pretty weird- she always seemed so *old* to me, like a real grown up (whatever that is.) whereas with you it feels a little more even. you both appreciate language and beauty. 080110 ... Ouroboros father says Heidi did not deliberately seek to kill herself. Remember, that all was going wonderfully with her. She was graduating in one week, a fact of which she was so proud. Her sister was coming out, which she loved, things were great between the two of us, etc., etc. She took as many pills as quickly as she could, to blot out both the pain she was still having in her back and because, I'm sure, she had a panic attack, and her panic attacks were post-traumtatic distress flashbacks, in which she didn't just remember her childhood abuse, she relived it. Her goal was simply to blot out both the physical and the mental pain as quickly as she could. Did she deliberately take a lot of pills. Yes. Did she mean to end her life? Absolutely not. 080214 ... Ouroboros she did kill herself, and it's absolutely ridiculous that my dad is convinced she didn't. she also killed herself after she and i had a less than pleasant conversation, which is the root behind my current "i say bad things and i cause irrevocable damage" loop. fuck you heidi. i'm damaged from your suicide, and yet i can't kill myself because i know (very intimately) the pain it would cause others. 110113 ... Ouroboros 7 years ago she died. Unbelievable that this many years has passed. So sad. Each year moving farther away from her. I can't remember her laugh, her voice. I can still recall her smell though. Images. Memories. Photographs. But 7 years is so much. This life has moved on without her here for so long. So much has happened. And she is still dead. Dead for a long time, that just keeps growing. My father reminded me tonight that this is what happens to us all- we all die and it is in those who live who keep our memory alive. We all fade. So I have so much to do before I burn out. This short life (each time around). Follow_my_heart is all that there is. Over in a heartbeat. Heidi Lynn Marx- I wish you weren't dead. It would have been wonderful for you to be here longer. I love you. Yit gadal v yit kadash shmay raba.... and, may there be peace and life for all of us... 110606 ... Ouroboros 8 years and the pain is still raw, still like she just died, body bloated and blue, medics not even bothering to try to revive her. Her light was ripped out of my life. And with it all her love. We having been living this awful parallel universe without her. It's a horrible cosmic joke. Tragedy. 8 years since I last saw her or heard her or hugged her. So many seconds ticking away. Her sisters are not in contact. Her name never spoken aloud now at my dad's house, only her rose quartz bookends left in his study. This grief is so much! No where for it to go. No way to turn back the hands of time. Just the awful sadness, the lack of her in my life, in this world. 120606 ... unhinged . *hug* 990328 a similar date etched in my heart for a different reason. the pain of silence and lack; there don't seem to be adequate words but maybe thai and tequila and hugs would mute it all for a few short moments 120607 ... Ouroboros hope to catch you next time you are down here N- it twas unfortunate timing for me. 120608 ... unhinged funny how every time im in sf you aren't even when you're living in the bay *shrugs* you have a place to stay in seattle anytime you need it 120608 ... A friend She was an amazing person. She is missed and still loved.... 130819 ... no reason funny, i was just thinking today about how i like you and that you're cool. 130819 ... Ouroboros tearing out the one thing she ever knit, to use the yarn to hopefully knit something to make some cash. all i can think is, "it's so sad" and "fuck her." 130914 what's it to you? who go blather from