jane i'm going to tell it all.
from the beginning.
you don't have to believe me,
but don't say i didn't warn you
jane 041202

i lost my virginity last night. or, rather, this morning. but let me start at the beginning...i was about to go to sleep angry when there was this knock on my window. of course, it was him...he came in my window & at this point i figured i wasn't going to let anything happen. so we were just hanging out, kind of trying to go to sleep...we start kissing...he worked his way down..."god, you taste so good" and i wanted to know what "good" tasted like...he came back up & we were talking & he told me he was hot so he would take off his pants but he didn't want to seem perverted. i told him to go ahead & do it as long as he understood we weren't going to have sex. so he did & he was laying there...next thing i know i'm giving him a hand job & then seriously he gets behind me...i don't remember what i thought he was going to do...we fucked. i was worried ...sean, you need to make sure you pull out...he kept asking me if i was okay, and i said yeah i don't know no and by that time i was crying not because it hurt, but because i couldn't wait one day for you...

...i wanted him to leave but i didn't want to be alone & he wanted to talk about it...
...i got 1.5 hours of sleep. i had to go to school & learn about stuff that doesn't matter. i wanted to get on the p.a. system & announce to the whole school what had happened...
oldephebe let the bloodletting begin

tell us!
tell us everything!

i need a briskly blowing breeze in my staid little life.

kick the ballistics (turns up drum machine)

set it off!! set it off!! right.
ye-ah uh huh right.

er..harrumph! *clears throat*

every now and then I feel the need to get in touch with my inner "homeboy"

pour the flame into my rigid little ears
tell us all about it jane

jane 071102

[on the 5th]...sater was having his fourth of july shindig & so i went to that and, long story short, i got a hold of some rum & i wasn't drunk because i knew what i was doing...i ended up flirting with this guy dave & i was half joking but i told him he should come hang out with me & i could drive him home. so he did and i told him to wait outside...i led dave in through the window. we were hanging out for awhile and then we started kissing & i stopped him & said, "what did you come here for?" and he said, "nothing really i'll do whatever you want to do." & i said "well i'm down for anything so what do you want to do?" & he said
well in that case i want to fuck the shit out of you
[always so eloquent, dave was]
so we did.
...it was in some ways fantastic, really good, but on the other hand...it was just really weird having someone else's body shape in my arms...i don't know how to describe the feeling...it made me miss sean a lot.
oldephebe wait I posted that before I read your second post

that was some pretty serious s**t
uh didn't mean to be flippant sorry
I guess you pretty much did pour the flame down these uptight little ears

be well jane that was ahpretty graphic and ah disconcertingly honest

I gues old farts like me really have no clue what young people are going through these days

I'm not old like wrinkled and gray, but old as in comparitively speaking but this is about you not me, so I'm going to sheath my tongue and shut it down for now
jane 072702

[new york]

...i woke up at about 2 (because of sean's call i didn't get to bed until after 5) & i walked around the village & i was going into shops & in one of the shops the guy started talking to me...his name is blaise!...i gave him my number & we went our separate ways...


i was going to go to this "dinner party" with sarah & so i decided to stop by [the store] on the way to the subway & say hi to blaise. i asked him what he was up to that night & he said that he was going to to go this open mic night & hang out with his friend from l.a. so he said wednesday sounded good & he would call me...
[after the party] i dropped sarah off and took the cab home where blaise called me & said that he didn't expect me to be home but did i want to go to that open mic thing with him? i said sure...
we got to the place & i guess the people weren't there so josh (l.a.) went to this other place & i told blaise he could go with them if he wanted & he looked at me & looked in their direction and he must have done this 85thousand times...he didn't want to feel like an asshole so he came with me. we stopped walking and i said "if you really want to go with them you can; i can catch a cab." he said, "they're probably in a cab of their own." so i said, "well, what do you want to do?" & he looks at me & grabs me & kisses me...the most passionate kiss i can remember...i asked him where he lived...harlem...do you want to take a cab? i'll pay.
it was a $25 cab ride to harlem & we got upstairs...there was this red light & this instrumental beat going on the stereo & he would talk to the beat all poetic like...we ended up fucking & getting dressed again just in time for josh who came back at about 2 a.m. & blaise had to work so josh & i painted on each other & when blaise was done the three of us got in bed. we all tried to sleep...it was too hot...josh left in the morning & blaise & i had our morning_sex (ok it was about 3 in the afternoon) despite my protests of it being too light...
i made him walk me back to my place & told him to come inside for five minutes & he did & i started kissing him on the bed & asked him if he could stay for maybe fifteen minutes, he said "what for?" i said "what do you think?" & he said "oh, we're going for the quickie, are we?" i said yeah, so we did...[three times in 24 hours]...
jane 073102

[still new york]

i called him [blaise] & he said he was feeling all hollow & empty inside & felt like he needed to be alone. but he said he would stop by & give me the $ he owed me from the cab ride before...he called me outside my building & said "i'm outside, wanna go for a walk?" ... we walked around & he said he was kind of put off by my testing thing & that he had read some of my actions to say that i was going to be clingy...we went to this bar...we kept walking & we sat down...i was saying how i attract boys who don't know what they want & he said he was shocked with that being so right on...

i came home the next day
jane 090102

[los angeles]

i smell like hookah. i just got back from going out with anthony. i can't even believe i was just there, out with him & his friends...
i had to go early...we got to this area of town near where i needed to be dropped off & parked there & we argued for awhile & then we got hin the back seat & argued more & we ended up kissing and having what i call postcard sex...
[i knew anthony for three, maybe four years before all of this had happened. funny, i've only talked to him a couple times since, & even that was a long long time ago...]
jane 061203

full moon.
i drove sater to see sarah at her friend's apartment. there i met eric, eddie, & jesse. they said they knew of another party so i drove eddie over there. sater & sarah left. the party died so we drove to south davis..the cops got there just as we were arriving so we left & went to sycamore & eric & i walked in the wrong house & then walked farther down to the right house, where shenanigans ensued. i danced with eric a little but i grabbed this girl's ass & danced with her...
i went to jesse & said, "you don't like me, do you" he said it's not that you just have to understand my point of view. i said i did...he said he really wanted a smoke & i had one left so we went out in front to share it...
we went back inside where i met a girl from austria & talked some german with her...there was a girl from spain coming out of the bathroom so i tried to speak spanish with her but it was pretty weak.
he leaned in closer commenting on how short i was compared to him, & he leanse in more & tilted my chin up to kiss me. i say...so...what do you want to do? he says, i really want to have sex with you. i asked him where he wanted to go & then there was all this nonsense cause we couldn't go to my place...i'm standing on this step & he's standing lower & we're kissing again & he pushes my hand down & he moans a little. 'so, seriously, we have to go somewhere,' i said, 'let's check out here.'
behind the first door was a couple probably fucking since they got there, behind the second door was a bathroom & this guy comes out with an accent & i say where are you from? and he says i'm from england but so throaty it was almost like ungland...or ngland. it was a pleasant non sequitor.
jesse & i took over the bathroom & we're taking our clothes off & someone knocks on the door & i say "go away!" & jesse & i realize what a bad idea the bathroom is when there's another knock so i say let's just go to your place, i don't care about the mess--i was about to do it in a dirty ass bathroom.
so we leave & i was probably still a little too drunk to drive..i apparently ran a red light.
i gave him some time cause he wanted to clean his room a little & i go in all ready & he says what about foreplay? & i go..uh, ok..
he was vocal.
that was hot.
and he was huge.
and that made me vocal, even though it sounded ridiculous as i listened to myself.
all i could say was, oh my god.

at 5:45 a.m. i told him to pretend it never happened & he said what a cool chick i was & i gave him a ride back to his truck & drove home...
jane the next night [061303] crista & i went to the house party & i ran into dave. i told him he was an asshole.
i ran into everyone i had met the night before & then some.
i saw jesse. he was happy to see me. "i'm glad you showed up!" he gave me a hug, i told him i was heading out, that i liked his shoes...

next night [061403] i went to sean's...it was different...i didn't even once feel like saying ! oh my god! ...
jane quick rundown...


go to t's house [protecting the name of the er innocent]
smoke crystal_meth
stay up all night
talk to t for hours
can't eat


feel like shit
can't eat
can't sleep - still buzzed
dry eyes lips face hair
that night sleep in t's room
he takes the guest room


went to t's
after talking with sean
["i'm too tired to have this discussion"]
i'm crying
sater falls asleep on the couch
t & i are talking
"you're so beautiful
i can't stop looking at you"
kiss on the bed
this one needs no details...
jane 070503

i was hanging out with frat boy [doug] & this girl jasmine was all over me & we went into the bathroom where she more or less tore my clothes off & went down on me...we moved to the bedroom where we went down on eachother & she kept telling me how hot i was & how amazing my tits are...later i slept in doug's bed & he wanted to get on me & i kept saying how weird i thought it was & how weird i felt & he didn't listen & we ended up fucking even though i didnt really want to i didn't know how to say it
jane 072503

working at a show at s.v.a.
i see this bluecoat wearing tuxedo pants & we were cutely but awkwardly dialoguing & he said my hair looked delicious...& i went back to work & suddenly realized my god how magnetized to him i was...
so when he came back i took a cigarette break [he joined me]
& i said "look i've never done this & i can't believe that i'm going to but i like you & i want to see you again."
& he says, "what are you doing tonight?"
"alright, let's do something then.."

we ended up going to san_francisco, stopped in davis on the way to buy cigarettes, where i said my back hurt & he told me i was in good hands beccause he & his roommate were both massage therapists...
in san_francisco we went to this beach party with a dj & a bonfire & we met all these fascinating people...

we went back to his house & he starts giving me the massage he said he would & i say "how much am i going to have to pay for this?"
& he says

"if only you knew how beautiful i thought you were..."

"uh, didn't you just tell me?"
"did i say that out loud?"

after a while he kind of paused & then leaned in & kissed my back - i had no idea how stimulatory the back could be - & i turned over & it was probably one of the most intellectual mental physical emotional god anything you can think of i loved that night..
trixie this is like dear abby meets jackie collins.

you should have called it janes fabricated sexcapades.
jane 072703

went back to the city
made love

go out to car
find out it's been towed
drove me to the station
sandal broke
piggy back ride
246 dollars [towing + ticket]

made love
all night
all morning

went to toys r us for
so hot in the vintage cracked leather jacket

made love

told me he wouldn't come inside me until i was coming as well
jane 080603

[san francisco]

mention of how he's going to miss me when i go
mention of it being entirely sexual
& i got so mad
i was going to leave
"sit down & talk to me."
he started rubbing my shoulders & neck
& then my face which he had said earlier looked tense
& then he started kissing me & i felt manipulated so i pulled away
"you opened up for a minute there."
-i just wanted to know why you were doing that.
"do you know why i kissed you," he asked, "that first night you were here?"
-no, why?
"i just wanted to see you open up."

i felt so ... i dont know... i was thinking about leaving & i can't remember why i decided to stay.
it's easier for me to stay than leave.

we walked to my car to get my paints & i showed him some sketches out of my sketchbook - he told me i have great shading - we went back to the house & i painted an ocean on his back...

he asked me if he could paint on my front.

i was trying to keep my eyes closed but i knew he was looking at me & finally he said "can i tell you something?"
"i love you so much right now."

we made love that night & took a shower together...he woke up early to move my car & i moved it later & we made love more & ate & watched a movie
& he sang me the song he wrote about me with his voice like velvet that wraps around my entire body;
i wish i could remember the whole thing
jane 081303

night after the full moon

i wanted to go to the gay bar cause i was in a girl mood so i parked over by 21st & o street & walked towards it hoping someone would stop me out of curiosity.
no one did.
so i ended up walking past it & saw a guy saying goodbye to all his friends & getting on his skateboard.
out of impulse, i said,
"where are you going?"
he turned around & started walking with me & told me he was going to c street & that i could come along...i said sure...
"i'm jane, by the way."
once we got there everyone wanted to go to the bar on s street so we piled in a car and took off.
in the bar i asked aaron when his birthday was. he said november 26.
i freaked out.
i've never met someone with the same birthday as me.
he was eleven years older than me, but i told him ten.
we drank enough beer, smoked a cigarette & left.

in the car aaron grabbed my hand & kissed my lips as his friends joked ... we smoked a joint when we got back to the house... all i remember is really enjoying the sex ... despite the fact that i got some cum in my eye which is an undescribable pain. i guess a human sexuality course he had taken served him well; he told me the pain was from the sperm trying to fertilize my eye. fantastic.
we slept on the floor & i woke up early & dashed out of there as fast as possible just to walk the 25 or so blocks back to my car in those god-awful shoes.

on the way home from the bar
jane nix that last sentence that was a mistake 030815
jane 030815

we decided to go to the punk show, because we used to go every weekend & this would be the last of their shows i would be able to see.
we danced our asses off & ended up singing some backup [which i've always wanted to do] & then mickey says, yeah, we're having a party at my house after the show [which they say at every show] & so we decided not to be the only people there& got something to eat first.
we went to the house & brought the bottle of [vanilla] vodka & the orange juice that we had bought earlier that night & drank some & brought some in, not to mention we had some before the show. danny started talking to us as we walked up & we went inside & kevin talked to us...

later kevin asked me what our plans were that night & did we want to come to his house to drink...we said sure & danny ended up coming with us in my car as i followed kevin's car...i had probably been drinking too much to drive...
danny played my shitty guitar in the backseat..he played boner & we cracked up & then he played some beatles & we all sang
the bathroom being in a different building served some inconvenience but it made good oppurtunities for us to talk...
jane i felt like i had to make the decision for her, i had to tell the guy to lay off or take on both of the guys, which, at that point, i had no problem with. i told her, look, i can fuck one or zero or both of these guys & so can you...but i'm going to be leaving in a week & i'm not going to be able to make these decisions for you.
& then kevin was going to get some water so i told him i'd go with him
"she doesn't know how to tell him to lay off..."

finally kevin says, "i'm going upstairs to bed."
& i say, "well then, i guess i'm going with you..."
& he says, "i should hope so..."

sex with kevin was bizarre. he wanted me to know exactly what i wanted and how i wanted it. and i don't really know how to do that, but i know what i don't want. so it helps that every five seconds, or every time i made a slight noise, he'd smack my ass & say, "you like that, don't you? yeah, i know you like that.."
at one point i said, "no."
"really? sorry."

he scratched my back up pretty well & bit my neck a couple times. my neck hurts from having my hair pulled.
after it all he wanted my number & email address 'cause he wanted to fuck me before i left. i told him i didn't think that was going to be possible, but, hey, here's to hoping...
karl the weed jesus, you wrote all this in two days? 030816
trixie that last one was funny, you could send these to a magazine. 030817
jane what, like hustler? 030817
splinken hot. 030825
jane i never thought i would be at a loss for stories, but i feel myself being spread thin, redundant almost, because all of these stories are so similar yet so different. i miss the ease of boredom; it makes almost anything interesting (& worth it for the time being). 030826
jane 082703??

college makes things blurry. especially if you're not sleeping. & the fire alarm goes off every hour or so. seriously it went off four times in three days. the third time it happened winter & i walked across the street to get a piece of pizza...one of the guys behind the counter was kind of good looking...we finished & were outside smoking a cigarette & he was outside also & i asked him when he got off & he said ten...he had this thick italian accent & asked me if i wanted to do something ...of course i said sure...i told him i'd meet him there at ten...

i met him & we walked to union square where we waited to pick up his car...he said, "you have gum for me, no?" & i started looking in my purse for gum...& he says, "you give me from mouth?" with a big grin on his face...

kissing in the park is violating. strangers are watching you be felt up by a stranger & you are thinking, "what am i doing here?"

we ended up going back to his place in the bronx...he asked me to teach him english ["sure..."]
we ended up fucking on the couch, an uncomfortable experience due to the loss of the middle cushion halfway through...i suggested moving to the bed five feet away...
he was so selfish...pushing my head down when i would have gone down on him had he been patient. & then he wouldn't go down on me [my guess is, he didn't know how...he had never been that generous in his life].
i asked him to drive me home.

now there is awkward tension everytime i pass the damn pizza place across the street, avoiding looking into the window & hoping he isn't looking out...
jane 082903

i had seen lee awhile before i met him...i knew i wanted to meet him. he didn't seem like he felt the need to participate in the intellectual battles the other nyu students insisted upon.

i had also heard he plays guitar like a god.

we all gathered in some girl tina's room, someone handed the boy a guitar & he, well, played like a god.
he kept turning & looking at me & i got the feeling i would not have a chance with him...
later on in the night i mentioned something about my dad's money & he said, "thats it. we're getting married right now."
we left.
we went down to the courtyard to have a smoke & we talked. we visited his room & some random guy was sleeping in his roommate's bed so he offered his bed & said he would sleep in mine.
we went to my room.
we laid in bed,
actually said vows...
"so, can i kiss the bride or what?"
the first person i've actually felt passion for...
i had sex with him last night, too..after some drama went down. i still like him as much as i ever have. i probably would marry him if he really meant it.
unfortunately, recovering alcoholics aren't interested in the kind of relationship i am..
jane 091903

i awoke this morning to a voice saying, "this is a fire drill. what are you doing asleep at four in the afternoon??"
i was rather freaked out, due to a long night including some molestation, namely a tongue belonging to a brit named giles (i am not making this up) being stuck down my throat.
turns out this fireman was not actually a fireman at all, but a saturday night live actor who katie had run into & decided to bring around the dorm rooms...
he ended up laying down in our bed & put his website up on winter's computer. after he left i was exploring it & decided to leave a message...thanks for waking me up this morning, email me if you want my number so you can take a nap with us some other time...
he ended up instant messaging me & we decided to go out...we met in union square & walked with his friend and another girl to the apartment.
i still had alcohol in my system from the vodka we drank an hour earlier, but we had some more vodka there...we smoked a little pot...he kissed me & invited me into the bedroom...
we fucked like animals...every position, elongated stretches of oral sex...we tried to get the other two to come in & join us but they said no thanks...i wanted them badly...we could see them fucking on the couch because the door was ajar...while i watched them he made sure i was getting mine...
we sat out on his deck as i smoked a cigarette & told his fortune...it's strange to be serious with a comedian...it's like when a clown dies..
we watched them fuck some more...he had trouble coming the third time but the fourth time was easier..
i have trouble coming, which is to say i don't.
he slept, and i stayed awake thinking he was breathing funny & that i would have to perform cpr on him. i believe we woke up at noon or so which is when i decided to bolt...an inoppurtune time..why couldn't i have left at six or seven unnoticed?
he told me he had a great time & made a point of telling me he wasn't looking for a girlfriend...as if that's what i thought and/or wanted..
made the walk of shame home & crashed in my bed next to winter feeling violated yet satistfied
crimson I must say I am truely loving these stories.
My friend's going through some hard times; when we get together and there is nothing left to say, I pull these up and read to him.
He loves them, as well. He told me this fabricated girl reminds him of me. I don't know if I'm insulted or not. Not that that matters. :D
jane 100703

[background information: i had sex with "j" - see above - a few other times & decided it wasn't really right for me, kind of weird in a vain tv star way...his friend's name is mike - he comes up in this story]

i was doing some work on the computer when i see j's screenname online & decided to just give him a hello...the person says this isn't j, this is his friend jon from l.a. he proceeded to tell me how cute & sexy & hot i am...
& then:
"wanna come over right now & mess around with mike & i?"
"are you serious?"
"yes. dead serious."

well i had to write something but told the boys i would come over when i was finished.
which i did.

before anything, i knew i needed a drink. i made myself a vodka drink & sat down. the boys had a lot of fun getting me to talk - what did i want to do? what did i want in general? it was actually fun talking to them; that mixed with the vodka was helping me to quickly relax.

we all moved into the bedroom where my clothes were stripped off & one of them would go down on me while the other would kiss me & my nipples. i have to say although i knew mike before this incident, jon was much better at going down on me...this continued until jon grabbed a condom & fucked me, then mike couldn't get it up for quite awhile & jon & i fucked about three more times.
one of those times i felt an orgasm coming on...the first and possibly last i would ever have...right when it was about to happen something changed & i lost it. this is the worst possible thing that can happen - very disappointing. oh well.
mike finally got it up enough to fuck me & he did his thing...nothing amazing, really.
j was at work this whole time & came home at about 6 a.m.
i should have left, if not before that, then right then.
this is when i began to feel cheap.
before j came home it was both of these guys on me. it was for me, essentially. & i was having fun.
when j got home it morphed into me feeling like the girl who got passed around between three friends, & the third only because it was obligatory.
afterward we were all sitting out in the living room & talking & j insulted me playfully. i had been so awkwardly upset about the obligatory sex that i chose that moment as the appropriate moment to leave.
they pleaded me not to leave, especially not like that...j did a couple stints from snl & i didn't really care. i left.
i don't think i'm going back.
jane 101803

oh god how boring
another get drunk
smoke a joint
watch radiohead
music videos
alone in the room
awkward silence
shut up & fuck me
the boy from upstairs
whose mysterious roommate
is getting me my fake i.d.
sorry pete
so young
believed me when i said
i was 25
knows nothing about
female pleasure

i don't remember a lot about last night
except coming down
with him inside me
jane 112203

there was a party downstairs. okay i quit sex and i was a good sober for a month but a lot of vodka and coke and rum and coke and the clash made me smoke pot & then i was talking to this guy & later he invited me to the bedroom & i grabbed another guy & we all went into the bedroom where i gave one a hand job while going down on the other...then i fucked the one i had been talking to & then it was time to switch but he couldn't get it up & then the other couldn't get it up so i left
jane 121303

i had been talking to this guy on myspace.com & agreed to meet him for drinks tonight so i met him at the corner of astor & broadway. we walked up st. marks place & into a place called bar 81 [i think]. i had a beer because i didn't want to get drunk in front of this stranger. he asked me to tell him more about myself & i was thinking this was inevitably leading to sex. i told him about my days as a catholic school girl & he told me about how he got his masters from nyu & how he is now working in the movie business. we ditched the dive bar & went to a restauraunt where he had another tequila shot & i had another beer [this time a bud lite instead of a rolling rock]. he said we should get out of there so we did. we went back to my place after buying a six pack of rolling rock and were confronted with the embarrassing procedure of signing him in; i felt like such an 18 year old at college it was sickening. we went up to my room where we started talking more as he felt my breast over my t-shirt [& soon under]. i asked him if he was even interested in talking & he assured me he was before sticking his tongue down my throat. he didn't even let me finish my beer, which i was enjoying more than his mouth. nevertheless, the making out [if that's what you want to call it] led to more before he asked me if i wanted to fuck. i don't understand how people ask this question. but he did, & i did [i guess - i can't even tell anymore] so we did. his cock was too big [a problem i haven't ever encountered] but we made it through the difficulties, only to stop in the middle due to evidently striking moral issues on his part [meaning he found out i had quit sex & felt bad for making me relapse...but not too bad because he asked me to suck him while he "finished"]. he got a phone call after all this & had to go back to the movie set. i walked him out. he remembered on the way out that he had forgotten his flask of tequila but he said it was now mine [oh joy]. he said he would call me & as i was walking away i turned back & yelled, "don't lie to me!"

it felt good for about an hour afterwards until the guilt set in & i crawled under the covers & died.
minnesota_chris random sex and aimlessness and grrr 031213
jane 121503

oh man oh man how beautiful how beautiful

i called blaise since he hasn't called me since forever [especially angering since i live in new york now]
so i called him & we had a good conversation i told him i would take him out so he wouldn't have to worry about money or anything, just that i wanted to see him
he mentioned that he had sort of kind of been avoiding me because he was thinking of me as a sixteen year old troublemaker [i told him i just appreciated his honesty]
so then i had to go take a final & told him i'd talk to him later

i was walking in the store with some friends & he called me. this was an amazing event, like a comet, or mars exploding.
he told me he really enjoyed talking to me earlier & that he wanted to see me before i left. so we agreed to meet that night.

i met him at the subway station freezing my ass off. it was almost snowy weather & i thought i was cool wearing my roommate's red boots with a skirt. bad idea. anyway so we walked a few blocks, i bought us beer at a store on the way..
walls covered with pieces of magazine fading black&white into colors, walked up stairs into a room lit by a red glow inside a white sphere..

get on with it, you say.

we started talking about what might happen & analyzing the situation [the only person i don't feel bad doing this with]. i told him that i was afraid if we had sex i would never see him again because this was the pattern i was accustomed to. he told me that wasnt the problem, that i intrigued & fascinated him & he could see us being long term friends. so whats a girl to do?
oh god it felt good.
"you're a beautiful woman & i'm lucky to be inside of you"
i could see myself coming with him [although this is a pipedream for now].
i had a final at 9:30 in the morning. he walked me to the bus stop at 7:30. i took the bus to the subway & took the l train the two stops home where i got in bed for fifteen minutes. these minutes are more often than not crucial moments. these minutes are when i realize that what i have done is a very bad thing or a very good thing. these minutes i grinned as i rested in my bed.
- - - -
to be completely honest i want a boyfriend. just for that security. no strings, no cards or flowers or chocolates. fuck all that. i just want stability. i dont see how thats too much to ask.
. . 031222
jane 122603

day after christmas.

a couple days before christmas (the 23rd) i went into the bank with my mother to change one account to another type of account. turns out the banking officer was hottt. turns out he also has known my ex boyfriend since fourth grade.
so anyway, he tells me he likes to bake & that he's making christmas cookies, & that i should come by the next day (christmas eve) to get some.
so i go.
he asks me out.
i say friday is better for me.

on friday i go to his house; we're supposed to cook together but by the time he gets home at about 9:30 neither of us feels like cooking. so he grabs a pizza to bake in the oven.

we're drinking red wine; he keeps filling up my glass...we watch almost famous but by the end of it i'm toasted because we had finished the first bottle & gone on to a second bottle of white. hell if i can remember what kinds. all i can remember is not being able to talk, & being frustrated by that.

i do remember being in bed. i remember about 2 minutes of the sex. i remember waking up at five in the morning & thinking i should just leave, & then thinking that would be rude.

we woke up later, talked for awhile...he walked me to my car sometime before noon & told me he would call me later [yeah right, i'm thinking].

but he did & we talked & he's called me a few times since. tonight he called me & i was thinking he was too conservative, we don't have any chemistry. but when you get down to it we have a lot in common, & it bothers me that there isn't any chemistry. there is no reason for me not to like him, or for me to be uncomfortable around him. i can't really explain it either. we'll see how this turns out.
jane 010504

i can't really say anything here because you know what happened. i enjoyed myself & i hope you did too. i don't remember his name but it was never important, right
jane i just got home from a strange day, to say the least.

i was supposed to meet this guy joe at his apartment on 96th & park. so i take the subway all the way uptown, get there, & we go get some beer & then head up to his apartment. we each grab a beer & then, & then: he turns on the tv. or maybe it was on. either way the tv is on, which eradicates the option of conversation in my eyes. this is also the second time this has happened to me, so it has become an official pet peeve. are you trying to alienate me? but i keep my mouth shut & figure after the fourth quarter of the mavericks/knicks game he'll turn it off. but he doesn't. so i say, how long are we going to watch tv? he doesn't really give ma an answer so i say the same thing i said to the other guy last night...i have a tv at home. i start to put on my sweater & my jacket, joe doesn't look up. so i leave without saying goodbye.

i go to this other guy matt's house. he lives in brooklyn, not too far from me. about five stops east on the l train. & i know he doesn't have a tv.

we hang out for a little bit, i snort some percocet which never ends up hitting me, i'm pretty sure. the subject of massages comes up, & we end up indulging each other. then the lotion was sort of gross feeling so he decides to take a shower & invites me to join him...i told him i'd think about it...
at first i was just sitting there talking to him while he showered...then he keeps telling me to come in so finally i do. a candle lit & all other lights extinguised...romantic lighting which i find quite pleasing. he starts to wash the stuff off my back with a washcloth, then all of a sudden he's kissing me, kissing my neck, warm water pouring down on us. next thing i know we're fucking in the shower, tingling warm water like warm rain in this candlelit escapade...

the rest wasn't as beautiful as all this so i think i'll stop there...but honestly
jane after another amazing night at blaise's apartment where he confessed that he actually gave a fuck & that we had made more of a connection than he had previously thought. after the night i decide, i'm going to be monogamous. its not worth sleeping with other people because here's someone who actually likes me, here's someone who connects with me & gives me everything i need, physically, mentally, emotionally...everything.

nonetheless, i had a date i couldn't break.

we'll call him rk for now, to protect the hmm innocent.

he used to own a club here in new york city, so he knows all of the club owners in the city & can get us in anywhere the fuck we want to go. we meet at starbucks & talk for awhile, then decide to walk to dorsia.

he's talking to people, everyone knows him, i stand observing, a separate entity from these club sceners. he's told me about how mtv is promoting his dj'ing in europe right now; he has mtv send him cartons of cigarettes from anywhere in the world he wants. he's coordinating events for a sony party, bob dylan is going to be there & so is jane magazine. they're giving away $200 gift bags, so you can imagine the kind of money rk is being paid for this. the man is the richest 21 year old in the country.

anyway, we're getting free drinks at dorsia, a bottle of vodka & some orange juice or cranberry juice. i have a couple drinks but i dont want to get drunk. we're walking downstairs & my boot slips out from under me & i hit my ass, back, & elbow on the stairs. i knew i wasn't drunk because it hurt like a bitch and a half. i now have huge bruises. i can barely sit.

after making an ass of myself [no pun intended] we realize its 2 am & rk's friend working the door is getting off, so it's time to go. everyone's tired, no one is up to going to another club, "making the rounds" as they call it. so we get in the car & go to coney island. rk grabs my hand in the car & holds it the whole way there.
we're talking in his apartment. he tells me everything about myself, but it wasn't in a fun way like we were clicking, it was in an insulting am-i-that-transparent way. he mentioned that he needed a massage so i decided i was the woman for the job. i got tired & laid down, thats when the kissing started. he didnt know how to kiss. seriously i felt like i was in junior high again. i wanted to ask him, how many women have you been with? i got my answer this morning anyway: 2. explains a lot.

by the way he didn't know how to fuck either. although thanks to my skills i got as close to orgasm as i probably could have under the circumstances.

this morning i woke up at 8:45 [thats less than 3 hours of sleep] & decided it was time to go, but i could barely get out of bed due to my ass injury. he walked me out to the street & told me how to get to the subway...blah blah blah. coney island is deserted, especially at 9 in the morning. it was very surreal walking through a deserted fair so early in the morning.
the subway ride on the w train was an hour and a half. not to mention i got a little lost. but really. thats a long trip.
jane if you want to know how long, check out mta.info/nyct/maps/submap.htm & see the distance between the coney island/stillwell ave stop [the end of the yellow line] & my stop, 3rd ave on the l train [the grey one] 040131
jane i walked all day with rob. we walked down to chinatown & ate lunch there. we walked all the way back uptown via broadway. i met up with kevin. we wandered into this french restaurant; i had been there before. we drank imported beer which i later charged to my card. he bought some bass & we went back to his room. he read me writing, i read him some of mine. i played pink floyd on the guitar. he asked me if i wanted to make out with him. i was reminded of that british movie, late night shopping. slowly clothes were removed, i was naked except for boots. a condom was found. he never came, neither did i. but it was enjoyable nonetheless. i left at ten in the morning, wanting badly to smoke a cigarette & write aimlessly. i thought about money. i thought about how he had noticed my knuckles. i went to sleep & forgot. 040229
werewolf that one seems almost real. 040301
jane we frequent a bar called solas. i know everyone that works there, down to the ecuadorian cleaning guy named georgie who is in love with my colombian friend nicole.
there was a new bartender there on friday night named brian. now the girls and i had swooned over willie since we had been going there even though he was married. brian was a new hope, a new guy to swoon over.
i drank on friday, flirting with this dark haired irishman. on sunday he bought me a drink. last night he was giving me doubles. something about the irish accent makes me want to buy ten thousand drinks. it was just me and winter and her friend last night, along with some vagabond from los angeles. i guess he told brian he thought i was cute.
winter left, i stayed with my open tab. i wrote my phone number on the check. i walked the guy from los angeles a block or so and then said goodbye.
when i got home i tried desperately not to make anything to eat. i started freewriting on my computer but it was difficult for me to type. i wrote about a half a page in size ten font single spaced. it took awhile to do. finally my phone rang. it was brian.
he came up to my room; i had to sign him in which was embarrassing enough. we opened a beer and we started talking. we talked about where we would want to go. he said rio de janeiro. he has five sisters and three brothers. his middle name is jude. he kissed me. he told me he liked my eye makeup. he said i had good taste. i asked him if he was keeping his eyes open. he said he couldn't stop looking at me. he liked how i made eye contact. i rubbed his back. we took off our shirts. we kissed and laid together. he told me it felt like we had been laying together for ten years. my boots came off and so did my pants. he made me come twice.
we made love, i came more. i was amazed. he left this morning. i'm going to see him when i get back from london
jane its about 8 in the morning & i just got home from an experience to say the least. there was a lot of cocaine involved thanks to a man named bill or will or william who is twenty years my senior. i cannot go to sleep yet although i have been up all night. i am worried about the implications of my actions and lack of self-advocation. i know i asked him seven thousand questions. i know he didn't want to talk about being a lawyer. i know we played guitar, we watched lost in translation in the background, he tried to kiss me several times which led to him trying to kiss me up in his bed which led to sex. it was barely possible on his part, probably due to all the cocaine we had done, and fortunately it was brief. i couldn't sleep so i walked home. i was cold but i walked fast because the coke is still in my system. i can still taste it in my throat. my blood is pulsating. the euphoria is long gone but the shaking has not yet subsided. 040402
jane also i have been grinding my teeth for many hours & this is becoming difficult to stop 040402
jane i was uptown. i watched chasing amy with sarah. i tried to convince her to come downtown with me but she was going to go to bed. so i decided to check out the party at karl's. there was supposed to be free wine there but when i got there the jug was empty. i, being a master at finding alcohol, ended up with a strong vodka cranberry. karl kissed my forehead. more alcohol. lots more. some new people came in. one of them was the guy i had seen earlier this week at weinstein who was speaking a different language with another guy. i had been trying to figure out what language it was & didn't want to ask for fear of looking like an idiot. i asked him about it & he said swedish. i remember very little after that. i remember going back to his room where he ripped my clothes off. i woke up & we talked for five minutes before i decided it was an appropriate time to leave. i told him that it was unfortunate that we met under these circumstances because i had admired him from a distance when i saw him that first time. he didn't really hear what i said but i told him not to worry about it. i carried my boots home under my arm 040403
jane 041604

i just walked home from the subway station with the taste of cock fresh in my mouth. last night i went on a date with a couple named clayton & katie. we ate dinner, then walked to their place. clayton showed me his photograph gallery [beautiful beautiful photos] & we all watched seventies porn in bed - it was this film called felicia where this young girl comes to stay with this couple & seduces the wife & eventually the husband - this breaks apart the couple so to get them back together they have a threesome. of course it was a french film so it was dubbed over. clayton went downstairs & katie took off my shirt and pants and went down on me - so close to getting off - when clayton returned she worked on my upper half while clayton went down on me - then it was katie's turn - i watched him work on her for so long before giving her an orgasm. it's funny, but he did it in such a loving & giving way, it was quite beautiful & i appreciated being able to be a passive observer. then finally clayton's turn - katie started going down on him, then it was both of us, then we traded off. finally, the grand finale where i went down on katie while clayton fucked me - he also was quite aggressive when he came & almost bit my shoulder off - oh well at least i didn't get whipped with the studded belt
jane 041704
[moderated from freewrite]

i feel disgusting after last night. can it still be called rape if i asked for it? i want to vomit out my insides just to purge this feeling - this aftermath of last night. i won't sleep on the sheets that touched him or near to the pillowcase that he hacked on. this disgusting swine of a man. oh god & i asked him to fuck me & i had to wake up mext to this body, this gross body [not a matter of aesthetics, although i could get into that, but repulsive for reasons mentioned] & i realized what i had done [not that i didn't know - it was the magnitude of that i had done that knocked me] & i just wanted to shower the event off & pretend it hadn't happened.
i know this is the opposite tone of what someone would expect to read here, & i'm assuming that people are even still reading this, but people should know that everything has its shadow, you know? i'm not a psa kind of person but shit like this happens - i thought i was immune to it but it happened. & since this happened i have not been able to masturbate which means i can't sleep - it might sound silly but its painfully true. i couldn't sleep in my room for two nights; i slept on my couch - i could barely even go into the room
jane 042704

& when we were finally together our histories were conjoined - i was a little girl again, swimming in a lake or playing basketball with my brother - he was the quiet one in school - maybe he got picked on [who didn't] - we were both trying alcohol for the first time [anything we could find, synthesized in an old water bottle] - it was our first kiss & he wasn't quite sure how a breast felt pressed under a nervous palm - like columbus must have felt "discovering" america - we were both making the love we had waited two years to make - because destiny had us meet - & this moment was our lives crossing in synchronicity so that he could explore my body with eager hands & mouth, & at the same time hold me tight like he had never been able to do before, when we were friends
jane i was on one of those inane dating websites [& yes, i'm a hypocrite because i'm on more than one] & there was one of those pages that consists of randomly selected pictures of other people on the site. one of them said sacramento - which is where i was....so i decided to write him a note. he wrote me back & i called him & we decided to meet at true_love. we talked about sex & music - i got refused at the door of a bar - we went to matt's house & met up with crista there - on the way he told me he was indeed sexually attracted to me - i sort of chuckled to myself....
we left matt's at three in the morning or so. we went back to his dad's house, where he expected me to strip down immediately. yadda yadda yadda..... while he slept i watched this movie - i think it was called 'confidence.' it had ed burns in it. when i was sure he was asleep [i think it was about five am or so] i crept out of bed & put on my clothes. he woke up when i opened the door & walked me out
jane today i went to the current couch that speed_levitch happened to be surfing on this week. i hadn't seen him in about three months, & he had been calling sarah frequently. i had just wanted him to sign my book for me - we smoked some pot & i drank three beers, which he obligingly got for me quickly - he started to rub my hand - i was trying to sort of avoid making out with him so we started talking about what he was working on & where he had been. i told him that a friend of mine had died & how the tragedy of it was that he was in a band that made beautiful music...he decided that embracing me & repeating "awww ohhh" was best for the situation. then we were making out & later he snagged me & decided to go down on me - which was undeniably enjoyable - & i heard him get a condom out of the desk & was thinking it was sort of wrong that he hadn't asked me what i thought about it - & i felt him slip inside me & felt my stomach sort of churn - & as soon as it slipped out by accident i grabbed my hair clip off the floor & grabbed my bag to leave. he ran in front of me & barred the door, naked, saying how i couldn't just leave like this, how it was cruel. i told him to fucking let me go - just watch me! - i had to argue with him until finally he stepped aside. i struggled with the lock on the door & ran down the stairs. as i searched desperately for a cab, i could hear him screaming my name from the balcony. i only turned to look once before i kept walking. i knew how straggly and downtrodden i looked but i was in chinatown so this seemed somewhat irrelevant. i stopped in "pancho's cafe" to use their restroom which the guy [perhaps pancho himself] told me was for customers only. pleading with him, i told him i would buy anything, & he directed me to the bathroom. i bought lemonade. i walked back home, crying, people staring increasingly as chinatown tapered into the lower east side. 040625
phil can I make a film about it? 040625
jane yes but only one of us can star in it - so what'll it be? me or speed? 040626
daxle do you ever learn? 040626
jane do you? 040626
daxle yes, i do 040627
phil I don't know,
1. are you willing to travel?
2. how can I find speed?
jane 1. couldn't you just travel here?
2. he's easily accessible - he invited me to dinner last night to "groove with some noodles"
phil Jane,
certainly not tomorrow.
jane i decided not to write about the dreadlocked cheater at the bar 041104
daxle i'm vaguely dissapointed that i was never written about 041104
jane halloween masquerade: imagine this: five of us, two male, three female, the hulk ends up making out with dominatrix nurse, who ends up covered in green makeup. axl & slash (both female) both end up making out with the same guy who has a "for rent" sign around his neck. for-rent ends up following them both around the rest of the night, even though axl is now paired up with a carrot & slash is now paired up with a heroin addict/zombie. slash ends up eating a lot of fake blood. it's hot, in a halloweeny way. end of the night, alcohol has worn off for some but not for others. the not-so-sobers end up leaping into a limousine filled with russian teenagers under the assumption it's free. when they realize they will in fact have to pay, they are dumped upon the street, slash still with zombie, hulk still with sexydomnurse. axl has not paired up with anyone. hulk takes nurse to his apartment, the other three go towards axl & slash's apartment, where slash proceeds to have second thoughts but ignores them & fornicates with a zombie, trying not to have third-or-fourth-thoughts all the while. thoughts regarding zombie's roommate, who didn't go to motherfucker, who slash is smitten with 041104
jane i think its important to note that was number 40 041104
jane for once i have to go out of chronological order because i forgot also two boys downstairs, one of their friends, & a guy from conneticut 041104
jane actually the one from conneticut deserves the story. another "imagine": imagine a fourteen year old in a chat room who catches the attention of a twenty year old, who doesn't know she's fourteen. intelligent conversation ensues, they keep talking online for months. finally she gets him to reveal his phone number, & they talk on the phone. one night, a conversation lasting nine hours total - midnight to nine in the morning california time - three am to noon conneticut time. on & off, sporadically speaking, neither really dedicated or rejecting. two years after they meet, she goes to new york to visit; thinks this is a good idea, they should meet. he doesn't think it's such a good idea, or hes not interested - either way it doesn't happen. a year later, she moves to new york. they're still talking, & the idea that they might meet is becoming more feasible. after all this time, they exchange photos. a year later, they meet. after four years of talking on the phone, two strangers end up walking fourty two blocks and five avenues for lack of conversation. they end up chainsmoking in her living room & watching bill murray. later they decide to break the tension further & each get 40oz of colt45 (a delicacy on the lower east side), which they drink on the roof. after drinking fast, alcohol buzzing through veins, he steals a kiss on the rooftop, which turns into bare back on cold roof, head between her legs, she easily unbuckles his belt upsidedown with her left hand - roofburn on her back - only his body to keep her warm 041104
margaux i like your spelling of fourty 041104
jane [no names have been changed, because nobody is ever innocent]

i guess i'll start with the game of monopoly, & how i won. i sold boardwalk to bill for pacific avenue [for the monopoly] & the promise of immunity on all of his property. he got ripped off.
i had been drinking a lot of beer that night, & everyone left one by one until it was the original awkward love triangle left in the living room. sinan convinced me to sleep on the couch instead of walking around the corner to my futon. we all went to bed, me on the couch, mike in the room next to me, & sinan upstairs. i knew sinan would come back down, so i got a glass of water & sipped on it & waited. he came back down, saying he had forgotten to lower the blinds. after doing this, he said goodnight & went back upstairs. i slowly opened mike's door & tiptoed inside. "mike!" i whispered. in the dark, i could see a smile on his face. i stood next to his bed, leaning on it with my arms, & told him that if he wanted me to leave, i would. he pulled my arm down so we could kiss, & i got on top of him on the bed. i had waited months for this to happen. months of flirting, of drunken staring, of phone calls & instant messages, only one time we stole kisses in my kitchen when no one was there. now i felt his hands sliding up my shirt, pulling it over my head. i undid my bra with my left hand, & pressed my breasts against his chest. this was the scene i had only imagined; i had thought it to be impossible. i ran my fingers through his blond curls, gripping whatever i could, sliding my left hand down his side. his sliding hands made their way through my belt loops, & soon i had nothing on except his sheets. he pulled me on top of him, & i whispered to him, "you're such a tease."
"oh, really?" he replied. i heard him grab something from his table & waited a few seconds, asked him, how long has it been, mike?" "too long," he whispered back. the moment i had been waiting for occurred. my surprising relief came from the fact that he had been with debbie for so long & had forgotten how to have raucous sex [i suppose], so it was intense & passionate, like i had forgotten about. & most importantly, i was comfortable. this was the kind of situation in which i would like to have lost my virginity. strong arms, biceps to grip onto, strong back to wrap my legs around. we laughed that debbie's roommate was in the next room, & we laughed about patrick. it was all so new, yet all so familiar in a way. it was intense but comfortable. it was everything i ever wanted.
we both decided it would be best if i didn't sleep in his bed, & so instead of sleeping on the couch, i crept out the front door at the time people usually wake up for work & skipped to my front door, grinning & giddy with infatuation.
jane this one begins as it is wont to do: at a party. it was getting crazy, and i was trying to pretend to play bartender. you put some breasts behind a counter full of alcohol, and you're bound to meet someone. after getting tonic water sprayed on me twice, i decided to go hang out with the people i came with. i met a friend of a friend. we started talking in close perimeter because the music was so loud, my knee in between his, leaning over to speak in his ear, hoping i wasn't more drunk than i thought i was. i ended up going home a little early with sarah, punching a wall twice on the way down the stairs (don't ask me why). after tucking her in, i got the call to come around the corner. he was there. we ended up hanging out a bit, then leaving around the same time. he was going to sleep in his office, and i told him he was welcome to stay at our apartment, due to the fact that we have a very nice futon that i slept on for a month. he agreed to at least come up and look at the place. next thing i know we're making out in my room, and the next thing after that we're making out on the bed, and so on....
oh, orgasm. how i've waited for you. can you imagine? small but there! first orgasm. felt like taking myself to dinner. or him. mmm
he gave me his email address, which i thought was a little strange, seeing as how usually people give their numbers the morning after. but it was okay, and ive seen him since, and i like him, and he likes me. and we'll see ...
jane because sarah was still in california, i was forced to go out with isabel. it's not a bad thing; she's not a bad person...but you don't have to live with her. so we meet up with her friend graham, and we immediately begin talking about the season premiere of 24 we had just witnessed. and how amazing it was. so we walk to the bar (piano's) and on the way graham's roommate - john - calls, and isabel whips him up into coming out with us.

for the first twenty minutes in the bar, isabel had her back turned to me in order to speak with graham (apparently they had a lot of catching up to do). i attempted to participate sporadically, but i was becoming increasingly interested in the group of foxy males to my right. but then john arrived.

i like the idea of asking someone what they do and them saying, "nothing!" unfortunately in this day and age, this is a rare occurrence. but it was my day. apparently he had started some sort of business in new mexico that had supported him in his worldwide travels. a tan man with hair bleached by the sun, the skin on his face also sun-kissed, with the crinkles around his eyes more prominent than those of any other 24-year-old. but this was endearing to me. we talked about where we had traveled; he had never been to asia, and i had never been to south america or africa. and we talked about london. and we all drank, and i talked to john, and we all walked home, and he let me hook my arm in his (as a gentleman should). and isabel kicked graham out because she was tired, and john and i went to the roof. where we made out and more.

and finally all my clothes were off on a new york rooftop in the beginnings of january 2005. so he wrapped me in his coat and carried my clothes back downstairs. and we were in my bed...we didn't sleep much, but we woke up relatively early to isabel's habitual morning jumping-jacks. and more coitus. three more times, or so (but hey, who's counting). the impossibility of my climax paralleled well his difficulty doing the same. [until finally].. and he stayed until three in the afternoon; we talked more. and then it came, the invariable "and can i steal your number?" let me tell you, i'll only give it out if i think it's going to be used, not to mention - why the fuck bother going out of your way to ask for it if you're not going to use it?
so i gave it. and that, as they say.... was that.
jane ben:
does it count if he had technical difficulties? two penetrations, then - wait - uh - we can try it again - no we can't! - you can't just walk me up the mountain & not show me the view!
jane well, i guess i can't write about it here.... 050222
silentbob i am reading this instead of working.
i want this to be a novel i am reading, i feel inspired to write, but i don't want to just steal all your stories.
jane oh don't worry, it'll be a novel. so far, 25 pages. 050223
jane benjamin:

three days before the eruption, insomnia caught me in a net of frustration. i turned to voyeurism and found myself anew, something different, knowing it was, knowing this night would save me.

and it happened.

46 violations negated by one night and two hands. i shook and i screamed, and i thought, this is it, enjoy. you'll never be able to do this again.

three days later, i find myself kissing a scent i had quit, hand-rolled tobacco caught in facial whiskers. i breathed in through my mouth and out through my nose and thought, this better be worth it.

and i waited.

patiently i waited, and mr. down-the-street came by, filled with determination; and me with my mindset. i felt the same surging i had felt three nights prior, and i felt the wave and i felt my palms sweat. i pulled at my hair and i breathed and i trembled under a strangers breath.
and i suppose after that first gift i understood that i gave back in this way, and not to give unless i've first received. but at the same time, its my gift to give, because who wouldn't want to see the look on my face?
jane 022605

jesse was a picture whore. it was another worldwideweb sort of mystery thing. he would send me pictures of himself and constantly ask me if i had any new pictures to send him. i never did, because i’m not in the habit of taking self-portraits every other day. i had started talking to both him and this guy i’ll call jay (because the james’ are getting confusing) at the same time. when i found out that jay was a cokehead (“not pepsi, but” he told me), i decided that of the two, jesse was the safer bet. for some reason, i found it appropriate to share with him the stories of the boys and the girls—certainly not because he made me feel comfortable—if anything, he made me nervous and strange things came out of my mouth. so finally, after weeks of hardly catching each other online, he says we should go out. and i’m thinking, maybe. after the benjamin incident, and after meeting ryan, i was thinking i would just go on the date and not let him walk me home. i was talking to my father earlier, and i tell him i have this date, and he says, don’t let him walk you home if you don’t want it to go anywhere; don’t ever sleep with them on the first date. and i kind of laugh. and he tells me that i let men get away with way too much. so jesse and i go to vasmay and drink, and i’m breathing in through my mouth because his breath smells like old cigarettes. and we play pool (i beat him once, then lost). and we’re talking about how i have to be incredibly honest; i say that i’m having trouble deciding where this night is going to go. i say, if you come to my apartment, i’ll probably invite you up, and we’ll be talking in the living room, and then we’ll be kissing in the living room, and then we’ll be kissing in the bedroom, and then you’re going to be number 47, and i’m just trying to break out of that pattern. “we’ll seehe says. and soon we’re out having a smoke (yes for some reason i thought it appropriate to smoke), and then he kisses me out in the cold. and i laugh a little and say they’re playing my jukebox songs. and then we’re drinking guinness and he kisses me again. next thing, it’s last call, and then later they’re closing up the bar. so i have to decide quickly what is going to happen. i decide that he is allowed to walk me home, and instead of discussing what happens next in the cold, i invite him into the first door. without thinking, i’m walking up the stairs, thinking, this time will be different. we’ll actually hang out in the living room and talk, and then he’ll leave and i can eat those noodles i’ve been thinking about. what happens is i sit in the isolated corner chair, and he sits on the couch, and we talk for something like two minutes before he gets up and kneels down next to the chair and kisses me. i melt but not because i like him. and we move into the bedroom, and we’re standing and kissing, and i laugh again, saying, we didn’t come in here to stand up. so he sort of throws me onto the bed and strips off my clothes and goes down on me forever, despite the red, and i end up coming for the third time in my life, the third time this week. this affirms my belief that it does not matter who it’s with, that it is, in fact, a mindset. so i wake up the next morning with a man in my bed, and we roll again, and he’s smoking in my room and i’m thinking it should stop; why didn’t i say no when he asked me if he could smoke in here? and when he leaves, i’m thinking, he chose sex. he chose it over my preference, which was not sex. consequently, i cannot speak with him again, no matter how good it was. i can give myself an orgasm.
jane 052105

i can’t give myself an orgasm. it’s been about two months since i went into the hospotal, and about a month since i came here to arizona. i’m located in a log cabin between williams & flagstaff, with wild bunnies running around on the acre & bird watching galore. i’ve named the lesser goldfinch “poppins.” i have been bored.
jason is the guy that works on our house. i had met him a few times. but on friday i noticed a different guy working on the yard. he was driving a small tractor & clearing out the dirt piles next to the driveway. i introduced myself & he told me that his name was tony. i asked him if he knew jason & he said that jason was his father-in-law. i got him some water from the fridge & we chatted a little bit.
“you wouldn’t happen to have a cigarette, would youi asked.
“what i have, you probably don’t wanthe said in his oh-so-eloquent way.
i saw the circular tin shape through the denim of his right pocket, & said, “try me
he told me that one dip is equivalent to smoking 20 cigarettes. i told him i could handle it, thinking maybe i wouldn’t be able to. but i could, and i ended up sitting on the shady corner of the porch, spitting brown through my teeth, while the dog cocked her head in wonderment.
the next day, i decided to give the dog a bath. it was hot outside and hence a good day to get wet. tony was working on the part of the roof where it had peeled itself off. he came up to me and handed me three cigarettes. i thought it was sweet. after washing the dog, i laid down on the side of the porch & took off my sandals.
“lazyhe called me. “maybe we should pour a little water on herhe discussed with the dog while threatening me with a water bottle from my refrigerator. “see how she likes it
“go for iti teased.
“it’s only worth it if you’ve got the white t-shirt onhe said.
“do you want me to go change
i didn’t change, but he ended up pouring water over my shoulder, then over my hair.
“i’ve got water tooi yelled as i got up to bombard him with half a water bottle. he came after me & took my arms & stole my weapon. the first time he touched me, i thought. i ran around the back of the house, yelling that i was going to get the hose.
“if you get the hose,” he said, “i’m going to leave
i ran back around. “you’re not really going to leave, are youi asked.
“nohe said. he told me that he would hang out for a little bit before he left.
“after thati said, “i need a cigarettei sat on the porch to smoke it. he sat down next to me. “so that’s like, the most you’ve gotten in awhilei asked inappropriately.
he chuckled. “pretty much. and you
“yeahi said softly.
he went inside to use the restroom, and i went inside to get something to drink. “now i’m all cold & tiredi said.
“well why don’t you go take a nap, lazyhe laughed, and mussed my hair. touch me again, i thought.
“sounds goodi yawned, and walked into the extra guest bedroom.
he followed me in. “oh man, you were serioushe was standing at the corner of the bed. “well, uh, i should gohe said. “if i stay here any longer i’m going to get into trouble
“but you don’t want to goi said.
“no, i don’t.”
“well, it’s your decision. i’ll give you a second to think about ithe was sitting on the bed now, and i got up to go to the bathroom. when i came back i checked out the window to see if his truck was gone.
“i half expected to hear you peel out & find you gonei said. i laid back down on the bed. he left the room, and then came back in to leap on the bed.
“what the fuckhe said, and kissed me. he kissed my neck. he unbuttoned my pants. he stuck his fingers down & i shivered. my pants came off, and he fucked me with his hand. he turned my body so my knees were bent over the edge of the bed. i felt his tongue and bent my neck back. he kissed me again, & i felt his hand. “i’ve gotta gohe said. “i’m sorryhe left, and i curved myself on the bed, waiting for my breathing to slow.
later, i was sitting on the shady side of the porch when he returned. i waved, like i would at any other car, as he pulled into the drive. “forgot my drinkhe said as he walked back to get the mountain dew wedged between the corner logs of the house. i stayed put, smoking my last cigarette coyly. he came over & put his hand on my shoulder & told me he was sorry. “why are you sorryi asked. “i’m not sorry. there’s no need to be sorryi asked him if he was coming back, & he said that he would see how the afternoon turned out. right, i thought.
by about five, i was sick of the anticipation, & i started drinking. i opened a bottle of chardonnay, which i despise, and by the bottom of the bottle it was 2:30 am & i was watching my second hour of “my so-called life” re-runs. i was also in my second hour of attempting to get off, unsuccessfully. i think i was on the phone with aaron. “you’re not taking me seriouslyi yelled at him. i don’t remember anything else. blackout.
i woke up at 6 am. i heard a voice.
“you awakeit asked. i rolled over to see a pair of jeans with a familiar round tin in the right pocket.
“no...” i moaned.
“i’m at the gymhe said with a smile. i watched him take off his clothes & put on a condom. he got in the bed with me. i was already naked from the night before. i watched my knees spread, watched the left one bent beside his body. i ground my pelvis into his, in a surreal state of consciousness. i was still drunk. he came & then he left. i rolled over & went back to sleep.
. . 050605
jane can't believe its been almost 2 years since i wrote here

& daxle , just to let you know. i did write about you, i just never wanted you to see it.
silentbob Last year for nanowrimo the novel i tried to write began "This is every infidelity I ever committed against my husband." And it was just supposed to be story after story of every person she ever cheated on her husband with. it stopped being interesting really quick, because I stopped getting creative. it was based on a girl i used to talk to a long time ago. but tonight i'm realizing that... unconsciously i was probably trying to write this. 071107
jane this was supposed to be my opus. when my computer was stolen, the majority of the writing was stolen. i lost faith in the opus. janes fab.esc. was no longer in high demand anyway. i would like to eventually reconstruct the rest of it, but i'm not sure my memory is up to the task. the longer i wait, the more valid this excuse becomes. 071108
daxle It's been so long that I don't even really remember what happened...
I guess I should have written it down
jane which one? 071108
j. you don't remember? ) 071108
jane (it's been 6 years since i've written about these... )

i wonder if i have any motivation left, to finish them...
what's it to you?
who go