actor werewolf there was a period in my life where i was very self conscious. i rehearsed everything i thought could happen to me a billion times before it ever did. and then when things happen, you don't react to them the way other people mean when they say react. it's like i was an actor bored with the role because they've amputated it from its life, returned it to the page. i didn't feel very real. i realized now, that this is why love brought me no joy for the longest time. i simply never felt loved. i had already imagined the distance of ignorant boredom coming between us, muting and distorting our words like we were underwater. i had already imagined betrayals, in thoughts and in eyes and in touches. her face in ecstasy pressed upward towards someone else's heaven. i had seen my eyes too go glassy like a sharks, as my body moved further and further from the voice i'm so used to that i call it me. if and when either happened, i'd say what was expected, and it would work. always i was waiting for someone to call my bluff, but they never did. i was always after easy answers and never questions and i've sacrificed the most beautiful parts of my mind because i knew it would it would bring a smile. if you say something dumb for a smile, it's almost a smart dumb thing...i thought so for a time. i didn't know yet that love crumbles when exposed to certain possibilities. and i was sure everyone else'd be thinking about them so why shouldn't i? how do you know there isn't someone better for you? i didn't know to trust. that's what's great about relationships anyways right? even in the shortest lived ones, there's a time, maybe it's a month or a day or even the minute ticking trapped within a kiss, but there's a time when you really believe in the two of you, you think you're going to make it, make it into the annals. love isn't about what could be, it's about what is. and if you concentrate too much on what could be, it will be more than your heart can bear. you will expand beyond your friends and your lovers, and what you once called yourself. parts of you will anyways. there will always be a part that is lonely, that realized all along that the small things were the big things. there is always that part of us, born into a world it needs protection from, it needs so much from. and one of the first things they teach you how to do is smile, is cry. the hunger, well that's a forgotten lesson you remind them of. i was born an actor. i hope you enjoyed my monologue. 021122 ... j throwsarose 021130 ... girl_jane the pc term nowadays...I still call myself an actress instead... 021201 what's it to you? who go blather from