clueless cher Directed by Amy Heckerling CAST: Alicia Silverstone.........Cher Horowitz Stacey Dash................Dionne Brittany Murphy............Tai Paul Stephen Rudd..........Josh Donald Adeosun Faison......Murray Elisa Donovan..............Amber Breckin Meyer..............Travis Jeremy Sisto...............Elton Dan Hedaya.................Mel Aida Linares...............Lucy Wallace Shawn..............Mr. Hall Twink Caplan...............Miss Geist Justin Walker..............Christian Sabastian Rashidi..........Paroudasm Herb Hall..................Principal Julie Brown................Miss Stoeger Susan Mohun................Heather Nicole Bilderback..........Summer Ron Orbach.................DMV Tester Sean Holland...............Lawrence Roger Kabler...............College Guy Jace Alexander.............Robber Josh Lozoff................Logan Carl Gottlieb..............Minister Joseph D. Reitman..........Student Anthony Beninati...........Bartender Micki Duran................Dancer Gregg Russell..............Dancer Jermaine Montell...........Dancer Danielle Eckert............Dancer Written by Jane Austen (novel Emma) Amy Heckerling Cinematography by Bill Pope Music by David Kitay Production Design by Steven J. Jordan Costume Design by Mona May Film Editing by Debra Chiate Produced by Barry M. Berg (co-producer) Twink Caplan (associate) Robert Lawrence (III) Scott Rudin Adam Schroeder (co-producer) Other crew Den Abraham..............set dresser Barry M. Berg............unit production manager Alan 'Doc' Friedman......make-up Richard Graves...........assistant director Raul Gutierrez...........assistant to Scott Rudin William Hiney............art director Lawrence Karman..........camera operator Mark Kusy................set dresser James LaBarge............set dresser Alyson Dee Moore.........foley James Muro...............steadicam operator Wendy Murray.............set dresser Patricia Nedd............foley Nina Paskowitz...........hair styles Karyn Rachtman...........music supervisor Patrick Romano...........stunt co-ordinator Marcia Ross..............casting Daniel Silverberg........assistant director Jeffrey T. Spellman......location manager Amy Wells................set decorator Diana Williams...........assistant director OK, so here it is. The entire script to Clueless including important actions, songs from the soundtrack, and my own personal comments. Just hit the little speaker next to the character's name to hear the lines from the movie (They're not working yet). I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's amazing the things you pick up when watching a scene 50 times. One thing: this is written by a hopelessly devoted and loyal Alicia Silverstone fan, so some of the commentary may be biased. But, I figure if you're reading this then you must have some interest her. Enjoy. Any suggestions, errors, anything?! Please email me pacey578@rocketmail.com SCENE I - CHER'S HOUSE "Kids in America" The Muffs (Heaps of shots of the girls having fun) CHER V.O. So OK, you're probably thinking, "Is this, like a Noxema commercial, or what?!" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl. I mean I get up, I brush my teeth, and I pick out my school clothes. "Fashion Girl" David Bowie Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. He's so good he gets paid five hundred dollars an hour just to fight with people, but he fights with me for free 'cause I'm his daughter. CHER Daddy! MEL Cher, please don't start with the juice again. CHER Daddy, you need your vitamin C. MEL Where's my briefcase? CHER It's been a couple of months now, so I say we go out to Malibu. MEL Don't tell me those braindead low-lifes have been calling again. CHER They are your parents. And don't try sneaking out of the office. Dr. Lovitz is coming by to give you a flu shot. MEL Oh, Josh is in town. He's coming for dinner. CHER Why? MEL Because he's your step-brother! CHER But you were hardly even married to his mother and that was five years ago. Why do I have to see Josh? (Watch those LIPS!!) MEL You divorce wives, not children. CHER Here. MEL Forget it! SCENE II - CHER'S CAR "Just a girl" No Doubt CHER V.O. Did I show you the loqued-out Jeep Daddy got me? It's got four wheel drive, dual side airbags and monster sound system. I don't have a licence yet, but I need something to learn on. (Cher runs over a potted plant on the kerb) Oh, why that came out of nowhere. (Watch her face when she looks back at the road) Here's where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like to have people be jealous of us. DIONNE Dude! CHER Girlfriend! CHER V.O. And I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion efforts. DIONNE Hey Cher. CHER V.O. Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past who now do infomercials. DIONNE So? CHER Shopping with Dr. Seuss? DIONNE Well, at least I wouldn't skin a Collie to make my backpack. CHER It's Faux. DIONNE Hello. That was a stop sign! CHER I totally paused! DIONNE Yeah, OK. SCENE III - SCHOOL WALKWAY DIONNE It's not even eight thirty and Murray is paging me. CHER He is so possesive. DIONNE Tell me about it. This weekend he called me up and he's all "Where were you today?" and I'm like "I'm at my Grandmother's house"... CHER V.O. Dionne and her boyfriend, Murray are in this dramatic relationship. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie just too many times. Now I have to say to her... CHER Dee, why do you put up with it? You could do so much better. DIONNE Alright, sh, sh. Here he comes. "Shoop" Salt n' Pepa MURRAY Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages? DIONNE I hate when you call me Woman! MURRAY Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin' around behind my back? DIONNE Jeepin'? CHER Jeepin'. (Watch Cher closely. It's Classic!) MURRAY Jeepin', jeepin'. DIONNE No, but speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain to me how this cheap K-mart hair extension got into the back seat of your car. MURRAY I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your stringy something on others you got up here... DIONNE Excuse me. I do not wear polyester hair, OK. Unlike some people I know, like Shawanna. CHER Dee, I'm outie. DIONNE Bye. MURRAY Why do you gotta go there? DIONNE That's it. I've had it with you. MURRAY Is it that time of the month again? (Croud Gasps) CHER V.O. I don't know why Dionne is going out with a high school boy. They're like dogs. You have to clean them and feed them and they're just like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you. (Random guy puts his arm around Cher) CHER Ooo! Get off of me! Uh, AS IF! SCENE IV - CLASSROOM DEBATE MR HALL Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America? Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro. Cher, two minutes. CHER So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty? (Class breaks into applause) CHER Thank you very much. MR HALL Uh, Amber? Replying? AMBER Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some little party. CHER Hello?! It was his fiftieth birthday! AMBER Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine. MR HALL Ladies. So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton? Comments? ELTON Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD. I've gotta do to the Quad before somebody snags it. MR HALL I'm afraid I can't permit that. Any further insights? TRAVIS I had an insight, Mr. Hall. MR HALL I'm all ears. TRAVIS OK, like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn't torment my Mom anymore, huh? MR HALL Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti, but tolerance is always a good lesson, even when it comes out of nowhere. TRAVIS Thank you. MR HALL And with that in mind, I'm going to distribute you report cards. Now, is there a Christian Stobich in this class? CHER MR. Hall? The buzz on Christian is that his parents have joint custody, so he'll be spending one semester in Chicago and one semester here. I think it is a travesty on the part of the legal profession. (Look at Cher's face while speaking! Ahhh, I can't take it anymore!) MR HALL Thank you for that perspective Cher. (Mr. Hall hands out the report cards) Now could all conversations please come to a halt. (Travis jumps up to the window) And could the suicide attempts please be postponed till the next period? TRAVIS Must die. (After Cher, the most classic character in the movie) CHER V.O. Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period. I got a C in debate?! 000820 ... cher SCENE V - SCHOOL HALLWAY CHER (on phone) Dee? DIONNE Wassup? CHER Did you get your report card? DIONNE Yeah, I'm toast. How'd you do? CHER I totally choked. My father is going to go ballistic on me. DIONNE Mr. Hall was way harsh! (Cher and Dionne meet up in the hall) He gave me a C minus. CHER Well, he gave me a C, which drags down my entire average. DIONNE Bye. CHER I'll call ya, OK? DIONNE Yeah. SCENE VI - CHER'S HOUSE CHER V.O. Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972. Wasn't my Mom a betty? She died when I was just a baby. A fluke accident during a routine liposuction. I don't remember her, but I like to pretend she still watches over me. CHER Hey, Ma. 98 in geometry. Pretty groovy, huh? "Fake Plastic Trees (Acoustic Version)" Radiohead CHER V.O. Yuk! Uh, the maudlin music of the University station. CHER Waa, waa, waa. (Cher enters the kitchen) Yuh, what is it about college and cry-baby music? JOSH Hey, who's watching the Galleria? CHER So, the flannel shirt deal. Is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator? JOSH (grabs Cher's tummy) Oo, wow. You're filling out there. CHER Wow. Your face is catching up with your mouth. JOSH I went by Dad's office. CHER He is not your Dad. Why don't you torture a new family. JOSH Hey, just because my mother marries someone else, doesn't mean he's my father. CHER Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means. (They enter the Lounge) I hope you're not thinking of staying here. JOSH I sure want to. CHER I'm sure you do. JOSH I've got a place in Westwood, near School. CHER Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast? I hear girls at N.Y.U. aren't at all particular. JOSH Hahaha, you're funny. (Josh changes the channel from Beavis and Butthead to the News) CHER Hey! God, you just got here and already you're playing couch Commando! JOSH Hey! In some parts of the Universe, maybe not in Contempo Casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world. CHER Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G again? MEL (From Dining Room) C'mon you chuckleheads, get in here! (They move to the Dining Room) Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter. JOSH I don't think so. MEL (to Cher) Doesn't he look bigger? CHER His head does. MEL So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion about Corporate Law? JOSH Yeah, you know, but I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law. MEL What for? Do you want to have a miserable, frustrating life? CHER Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does. MEL At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction. CHER I have direction. JOSH Yeah, towards the mall. MEL Which reminds me, where's your report card? CHER It's not ready yet. MEL What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?" CHER Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations. MEL Very good. (One of the mobile phones rings, everyone answers their phone) CHER Dee? JOSH Yeah? MEL Hello? Yeah, Jake, what? NO! Not the afternoon. (Cher and Josh put their phones down) CHER You are such a brown-noser. JOSH Oh, and you are such a superficial space-cadet. What makes you think you can get teachers to change your grades? MEL (in background) I told you I wanted it in the morning! Doesn't he understand? In the morning. CHER Only the fact that I've done it every other semester. SCENE VII - VARIOUS SCHOOL LOCALES "Shake some action" Cracker CHER V.O. I told my P.E. teaher an evil male had broken my heart, so she raised my C to a B. CHER I'm so miserable. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't study. MISS STOEGER They're slime, they're slime, I mean they're horrible, don't feel bad, don't feel bad, I know, and you see they're all like this. CHER V.O. Then I promised Miss Giest I'd start a letter writing campaign to my congressman about violations of the clean air act. But Mr. Hall was totally rigid. He said my debates were unresearched, unstructured, and unconvincing, AS IF! I felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate. I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength. SCENE VIII - THE MALL DIONNE Dude, what's wrong? Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something? (Watch Cher flick her head) CHER God, no! Nothing like that. It's just that, we've been shopping all day and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall. I have tried everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude, but I