what_i'm_thinking_right_now Rhinna ...that loving you is not hard. If someone were to ask me, "why do you love him so?", I would say: It's because I always have. It's the fact that we both know we don't belong here - Our souls are definitely too pure for the 20th century. It's because he knows me...the real me...the true me, and he wants more. It's our intensity. He just takes my breath away. We each take our turns on the pedestal, as the other lovingly wears a path around, to protect...guard. It's the way he loves me. Our love is not selective. I can't say that there is one part of his soul, that does not reach out to me. There is not one part of his soul, even his darkness, that I would not cup into my hands, to begin to try to heal, or at the very least, to bandage. It's because our future would be non-existent, if the other were not included. It's just that we were meant to be! We didn't decide it. It was decided long before we found each other. So, on the contrary Peyton darling, loving you is not hard! To NOT love you, is what would be hard! I love you baby! 010222 ... smartass tourist One minor note: It is now the Twenty-First Century. Welcome to the Future. 010222 ... birdmad in no particular order and at high speed (the contents of my skull multitask faster than any pentium chipset currently on the market) Elisa, drugs, Brenda, Katrina, Samantha, depeche_mode, Debi, politics, money, i want a new saxophone, i drank too much coffee, i want to be close to someone, i want a tattoo, i need to have a couple of my ear piercings redone, i think i'll buy a copy of Tony HAwk2 for nmy playstation, i need to finish all of this goddamn paperwork on my desk or someone's going to get pissed, i'm glad today is payday.....etcetera 010222 ... Rhinna Yes, but my soul was 'created' in the 20th century, which is what I was speaking of! Any more questions? 010222 ... tourist How's your phone bill? 010222 ... sabbie that my butt hurts from this goddamn chair that i should get off the net, cos during the day its not free and that i should think about lunch, or breakfast, or 11eses. and i like this cd lots, and im glad the stereo unbroke itself. makes me happy that my constant companion has stopped sulking and started talking to you again. 010222 ... peyton Her phone bill is fine tourist.. but thanks for asking! Oh, and if you want to send us a wedding present, do go ahead. We will be wed in September, so try to make sure it arrives by then, but of course we will accept belated items. Thanks! 010222 ... kx21 Is U just part of GOD? i.e. GOD = The Universe + Everything else, or more precisely, GOD is Everything... 010222 ... Rhinna ::sigh:: 010222 ... silentbob right now its cold where someone i love is 010222 ... tourist May I say Congratulations?!! 010223 ... chanaka i'm really glad i downloaded this tori song...it's a great breakup song. i wonder if he will really call tonight and talk, or just sit there and listen to me chewing my candy. i wish i had someone to get drunk with. my butt is itchy, and i don't know why. homework homework homework i have to go to the library and i don't want to......... 010223 ... kx21 Two new versions of GOD:- GOD v1:- GOD is none other than Everything and physically presence at Everywhere. GOD v2:- GOD is simply Limitless Power of Creativity and physically absence at Everywhere. What is your preference, GOD v1 or GOD v2? 010223 ... startfires in side yeah, maybe it does feel a little empty but what would i do without it? where would i be? to accept a grand solution is to accept another falling out. another failure. another reason to just stay in bed. maybe i should just cut my losses and befriend my emptiness. maybe i could let the fire burn itself out. the world doesn't really need another superhero. maybe i should stop looking for you, maybe i already found you and you've gone again. let's start fires and spraypaint our names under the bridge we're not old just yet, i'm not gonna die for a long time i gotta keep running and looking and burning, burning i know i know the answer, it's just on the tip of my tounge, just on the front of my brain, christ! you are so beautiful it makes me wanna light myself on fire. 010226 ... firehunden i am thinking that i have nothing to say except.... "i am thinking that i have nothing to say except.... "i am thinking that i have nothing to say except...." ""i am thinking that i have nothing to say except...." ""am i thinking..."" 010226 ... chanaka why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that why did i do that *sigh* i'm stupid. forgive me, my love. 010226 ... trazlo i ask people that a lot. i got it from a friend of mine who asked it a lot. people lie in their answers. they give partial thoughts, things they don't really care about. that is what i'm thinking about. i'm also thinking about circles 010411 ... dB Will I ever get to where I want to be? Or am I just like everyone else. The ordinary man? 010412 ... dB fact: If you ask a 23 year old woman what she is thinking about, 4 times out of 10 the answer will be "Chocolate". 010412 ... nocturnal GODDAMNIT!!! I've been lying in bed for a fucking hour trying to sleep and I can't do it. fuck fuck fuck. yeah, that's pretty much what I'm thinkin. s'pose I'll go give it another try. 010412 ... johnny west FUCK THE DANCE TEACHER FUCK THE DANCE TEACHER FUCK THE DANCE TEACHER (ad infinitum) 010418 ... lil red girlie time to make the do-nuts 010419 ... carden i still have to email HIM...don't know what exactly to say. help me!!!! i don't want to make an ass of myself 010425 ... Miner Well you asked, so I will type it as I think it.... How do you know when enough is enough, raging suspicions and distrust are running through my mind. Is it possible he did it, could it of been any of the staff, were either of them capable of such an act. Why does the general manager want to talk to her tomorrow, is this the end of the road, if things go wrong, will I ever see her again, how will it effect us if I'm the one who has to tell her, to remove her from the place she has grown to love. Is there anyway out, or would retreat and cowardice just incriminate me further, after all I must be suspected, I'm probably the most obvious choice. Well I know it wasn't me, and maybe soon, the trauma can end. 010425 ... unhinged "all my life's a circle and i can't tell you why...the moon goes through the night time and [the sun keeps coming by] all my life's a circle and i can't tell you why...the seasons spinning round again the years keep going by" ---Harry Chapin when i was young, waking up screaming from the things that hid under my bed and invaded my dreams (snuck in my ears when i was sleeping), my dad would come in and sing harry chapin to me. i never fell back asleep while he was singing and i never wanted him to leave but it was always easier for me to fall asleep when i heard them. i keep singing them to myself lately. as much of a stubborn irish asshole as my dad is at times, i miss him right now. i want things to be the way they were when i was four. "sing to me baby in the middle of the night" or something like that moby. am i really that scared right now? 010425 ... trazlo i am thinking why do girls seem to be so obsessed over the guys with meaning in their life? does anyone actually mean anything to anyone or is it all just a search and delusion? 010428 ... unhinged shit fuck damn 010429 ... Sol I am thinking "fuck Ive got Music anthology on Monday I really should go and revise" "about Cat (upset) and how it could have gone better" "Have to get in touch with Nat about the 23rd" "what to order for the 23rd" "how to get Jo here for the same" NOthing" "about my dreams last night (and this afternoon" " why am i such a looser when it comes to relationships" "planning my hermit hood" "wishing i was an ethereal being" "why does my chest hurt?" considering how this bizzarre machine im typing into works" "Wanting to go see someone" "must practice" "potential Design project?? Help?" cant be bothered anymore 010602 ... the thinker I am thinking that i am typing useless nonesence that nobody will read, but i still will write it just as an outlet of my frustration, i do not think in complete sentences, i think too fast to think about punctuation, i cannot stop thinking about this girl i like and i know likes me but we are void of contact because she is in cancun right now instead of here with me, which kind of makes me jealous that i couldn't be there with her. Now im thinking, hey my friend just signed on MSN, i am thinking about not talking to him, because he is rude seomtimes and i dont like rude people. My god i have typed this much already it has been about 1 minute since i started typing this stuff and im am getting a headache, or i can feel it coming, the slow pulsating sting of a sinus headache, i am thinking that i should really watch the matrix again so i can get a good feel of what i am needing to do in this game i am developing, which is a good game. inside i can feel like i need to clear my throat, i just did, i can feel my nose itching to a sneeze and i just sneezed, 2 times infact. I am thinking about the lack of capitalization and punctuation and i am suprised i spelled those 2 things right since i am typing so fast. Wow i can type fast, man leave me alone sean, ill beat ur face in in Counter-Strike u bitch. I am going to go insane if he doesn't shut up, ill just block him temporarily and tell him my dad was on comp and my MSN was on. Wow what an entertaining guy he is... 010602 ... Casey why is it I'm so unliked. No one likes me. I'm traped in and endless void of lonliness and want. Maybe i should get a pet 010602 ... unique butterfly i'm thinking about these guys that like me, but i don't like them. i'm also thinking the guy i like and why he doesn't like me. actually, i don't know that. he might. he teases me all the time and it almost seems mean... but i don't know. i just don't know. 010602 ... kinkazoid that i wish my frickin boyfriend would get home from ozzfest 010608 ... Toxic_Kisses I'm addicted, I can't stop Blathering 011011 ... Dafremen I'm thinking that pondering the wretchedness of these thoughts makes me feel pretty damned good about my life. Oh and I'm thinking that unhinged's dad sounds like a guy who really loves her a lot and who knows what a lucky Dad he is. I'm also thinking that she should give him a hug sometime when he's not expecting it and then give him a stern look and say "Not a word Dad, not one word" and then hug him again. 011011 ... ^^^^^^^ (She's probably thinking I should mind my own business.) 011011 ... sheryl I'm wondering.hoping that somehow.someway the orange juice that I left on my dresser 3 days ago is evaportaing into the air and being breathed in while the vitamin C absorbes into my blood stream. so I don't have to worry about eating.drinking healthy or taking my vitamins. 011011 ... yummyC "im bored i need something else to do. my eye itches. look at that fingernail clipper, crap i gotta cut my birds nails they are too sharp...they cut me. look at all those scratches. momw ill think ive been cutting again. oh well whatever. hey eric just IMed me. my gay exboyfriend. people always think i turned him gay or something. my ass. his ass. i wonder what his brother looks like? mexican jumping beans are creepy. god i hate catapillars. scary. my bird is soo sweet. i wish i could get my nose periced. i'd like my lip pierced. kingsuperspecial is working. that blows, he might as well not be on AIM. why am I so obsessed with myself? the world is so selfish, or maybe thats just me. my arm is itchy. why am i so itchy? i hope a mosquito didnt bite me. what is that mosquito fever going around here called? its fatal for babies. mosquitos bite me nonstop, i am definitly going to get it. there is no avoiding this. so many infected people and so many mosquitos just waiting to suck my blood and give me some disease. It'll be my birthday present. my back hurts. crap i shouldnt have eated that mac n cheese.im so fat fat fat afta afatatafatafat ugh. 011011 ... SonyaKitty I'm thinking why me? Why do I have to be such an idealistic romantic to the point of self torture? I'm thinking I should really attempt to stop procrastinating but I'll just put in the effort another day. I'm thinking that I should go and get a smoothie as soon as possible or else I'll gnaw on my post it notes. (Yes I'm a little starved & thirsty right now.) I'm thinking of him, of us, of what we could be but aren't right now. I'm thinking of ways to show him what I see and hear and feel, but I'm also thinking of all that might fall over the edge. I'm thinking of how I could make things better for everyone, and realizing I'm stuck in a ditch. I'm thinking thank goodness for blather because it allows me to unload mental luggage. 011011 ... nocturnal keeps up with important issues when the hell is that ass george gonna shut his damn mouth so I can watch friends?! 011011 ... Dafremen My wife's thinking that sheryl won't hafta worry about washing the glass either if she waits long enuff. Good call sheryl, from both of us. 011012 ... Dafremen I'm noticing that a capital letter PPP looks a lot like some guy holding a bugle up to his lips if you tilt your head to the left when you're looking at it. I'd never noticed that before. 011012 ... daxle I want to knock on the door I shouldn't knock on the door (repeat) 011012 ... . : * p s y b o r g * : . I'm thinking about Justin, naturally. 011101 ... mechanical pharmaceutical birdmad i_wanna_disappear 011101 ... motionless I'm thinking, I can't beleive I'm slipping back into depression again. I've been happy for like the past month, and I can feel it coming on again like a thick fog that chokes me when I'm ahead. I dont know how to get rid of it. What can I do? I need to talk to someone, my brother, a friend or just anyone, I can't do it alone. I'm loosing again. I always loose in the end. 011101 ... psychobabe -god i'm pissed -damn that subnormal singer is fucking hot! -god i'm pissed 011101 ... whoknows motionless, i how you feel 011102 ... whoknows im also thinking that im too damn nice. when someone is only nice to me when she has to be....when theres someone else around, when she wants to borrow something, when she wants me to help her with her homework. i tell myself i wont let her do it. i wont help her. but im too fucking nice 011102 ... ilovepatsajak i feel really angry right now and i hate just about everyone. it's all too predictable. 011102 ... unhinged that i'm alone cause i make myself alone. no one wants to hang out with an asshole that complains all the time. if i was fifty pounds skinnier and had boobs two sizes bigger guys would like me better. oh that's not true you say? i think i have enough evidence to the contrary because no one wants a crazy chick that doesn't even look good. i'm kind of hormonally unbalanced right now cause of my damn uterus. i actually practiced today. practiced right through dinner and now i'm damn hungry even though i ate the only thing that looked any good in my room. so you miss me? did my phone number mysteriously leave your brain? i'm glad i'm alone in here right now cause i hate crying in front of a computer screen. 011102 ... Casey where did my pants go? 011102 ... SuicidalAngel Yeah all of you are walking around inside my head right now. Everything you guyz have said I can relate to. Besides the whole pants thing. You guyz fucking rock! 011104 ... whoknows i found your pants. any idea how they got here? 011104 ... psychobabe -i wish bryan was here -o0h another back missage would kickass right about now -sleep is good -head...hurts.... -i wish bryan was here -ahhhhhh i dont want ryan to come back! no no nooooo stay away! go back from where you came! -music would be nice about now 011104 ... whoknows damn virus 011105 ... Jenna I really want someone here to lie down next to me and keep me warm, touch my skin, run their fingers through my hair, kiss the back of my neck, as I drift off. I'm not asking for much, I don't think. 011228 ... reitoei that i need not touch the world. it all comes to me on a glowing screen. i can sit here and watch the world go round and no one can see me here 011228 ... kerry i smell potatoes. and i can't drag myself away from the computer screen. potatoes. potatoes. yummy potatoes. 011228 ... B.W.A.C.B.J.W.M.A.G.B. I wish I had some rubber baby buggy bumpers. That or some Szechuan chicken. 011228 ... pushpins Several studies have found that 40% of police officer families experience domestic violence,in contrast to 10% of families in the general population. Police brutality can go fuck itslef. 011228 ... ClairE Ooh, I have a stomachache, although my dinner was so very good. Man. (Maybe not very exciting, but you asked...) 011228 ... Aimee I'm thinking that I'm getting sick of listening to whining. Everywhere I go, nothing but whining. Christ people, get a fucking handle on life. If you're going to bitch, bitch. But don't whine... it's annoying. 011229 ... ClairE Aimee needs a backrub. 011229 ... Mahayana: Zakah: ... that insensitivity is the ugliest disease that takes over a humans brain/heart/soul ... cant some people stop to think that perhaps blather is the last place people have to vent, hope, to eXpress themselves ... if reading anothers blather is so 'harmfully annoying 2 you' than dont read that persons blathers anymore- its that simple... is the discomfort of what someones 'finger speaks' so important that one day you may push someone over the edge or take away someones hope all together... i read some peoples posts on blather & it plain to see that there isnt much keeping them alive these days, and if typing is 'one' of those things... geeze just let them have it... im not trying to stop anyone from saying what they wanna say, but think for a minute the inpact your very words could have ... that is if you even care [sometimes its enough for me to say fuck it & never come back, & sometimes i think no one would even care] *says in the whinniest voice possible* 011229 ... bitchin bitch problem-free! i agree.... fuck it aimee, you quit your fucking whining, you've done it so much before! blather_supressor I have always thought of you as a bit annoyingly whiny, and here you are telling others not to whine. I'd laugh, if your hypocrisy didn't piss me off so badly. 011229 ... niki not quite what you expected eh Aimee? 011229 ... paste! i still give fertilizer an 8.7 011229 ... Trinity thank god someone else finally agrees with me that Aimee is fuckin' annoying 011229 ... syringe Ironic thoughts. Totally. 011229 ... ever dumbening should i get up and get a glass of water? i'm thinking, right now, that i should. [time passes] i'm thinking, right now, that having gotten water was one of the better decisions today. ahhhhhhh. wattah. 011229 ... Mahayana: Zakah: ... that everything is conveyed for a reason & that there *are* lessons to be learned from it all, yet that doesnt negate my sensitivty for both myself & others, i just have been there before & know how it feels to be only hanging by freyed pieces of dental floss & some.thing/one comes along & seemingly on purpose... chomps down upon the freys without a care in the world whilst enjoying the mint flavor 011230 ... Mahayana: Zakah: ...that i just dont want 2 see anyone hurting, regardless of why they are hurting, or what they have said or done, this may not even be realistic or possible in a humans world but I still have hope & dreams of desires... in this way [i just hurt immensely when others do] [[i just love U all & i do mean U all]] [[[& i appologize if i have ever hurt anyone with my words, really i do]]] 011230 ... kate I'm reading trivia and looking hopefully at the blinking THING (what's it called??!) in the upper right hand corner of my computer screen but then I remember that I imed MYSELF and it's 4:57am and no one else is even ONLINE and I don't have anything to do but read trivia until it gets light out and I can go for a jog without being afraid that someone might rape me or something. And it's so quiet in my house. I wonder what everyone's dreaming about? 011230 ... Jenna I love you Mahayana. You have such a beautiful soul. I sleep_to_dream, but usually only during the day. 011230 ... ClairE Man, getting my period makes me have to pee a lot. I always thought it's just because I drink more during it. Then I felt clever. But I haven't really drunk anything today, and I've already peed three times. 011230 ... daxle getting my period always makes me have to poo a lot more likewise, though, when my eating habits changed there was no effect I wonder how I can fix my zipper 020113 ... amphetamine rush i'd like to die right about...now. 020113 ... Mahayana a time for: + singing.humming.dancing + making compost & worm tea + mulching the garden + planting by the signs of the moon + envisioning + gathering wild greens & seeds + tree planting [hopefully a willow] + discovering wild flowers + laughing.giggling.teasing + watching birds.fireflies.grasshoppers + waterproofing my hiking boots + church tuned windchimes + turning that old [wooded skeleton] couch into a garden bench + growing gourds for artistic-sakes + building a solar-powered waterfountain for the backyard, built right up against the house, in that wide open space between the east facing kitchen & computer/reading room windows [{i suppose im thinking of times springful warmer ways}] 020208 ... Syrope that i cant wait for him to call me in a few hours that when his best friend finds out about us he'll hate both of us because he liked me first that strawberry pie is sooo good but should go back to throwing up after i eat now that my exboyfriend who hated that so much is not in charge of me anymore that i have to read 5 chapters of biology and outline them before monday that rainy saturdays should depress me but today it just makes me want to smile that i'm almost late this month but that i can't tell the only-possible-father that i need to send my admission acceptance into NC State while i can still get a dorm i want that i really love asking people "What are you thinking?" like every five minutes and I KNOW it gets on their nerves SO BAD.. 020302 ... girl_jane What are you thinking about-are you thinking about me? 020703 ... Dafremen After reading that...yes I am girl_jane. How the hell are you? Before that I was thinking about how uncomplicated girls are. 020703 ... phil hum d dum hum, hmmmm... maybe he was right, maybe I shoudl think, I need to use my mind to get a job, oh well, I'm gonna die some day, and I am insignificent while I'm alive. Hmm dmm dmmm. Ya, well that's pretty much it... boom, hehe, yep, I am done... hmmmm... nothin'... let's see what the other people are thinking. WHOA! schizo alert, wow, what a bunch of nuts, throw away the key, damn. ... ... hmmm... I feel like...like....hmmm.something. I feel kind of ordinary, oh ya those old feelings, lots of them. I am so boring... hmmm...1 2...3, 4 LSK i 5 @#$6,,,7..8OIL 9 10, ll.....12! yay!!!! now you know my abc...blah, forget it. Can't change the past ...nothing...nothing. I wanna sleep.. hmmm. tomorrow, more pain, yep lots and lots of pain tomorrow, oh wow, what a hell day that'll be, oh pain pain pain. Stares at enter key. 020703 ... bethany it's fucking hot and we need central air and that the back of my remote control lasted 3 months 020703 ... silent storm i think im losing you 020703 ... little fury bug i wonder where he is right now...what he's doing...oh god, i'm pathetic. it's hot in here. i wish it was autumn...autumn has perfect weather. i love wearing sweaters in the fall. why is it so effin' hot? ooh wait, there you go...he's online and he's speaking to me and telling me about his night... 020703 ... Ariadani you're wonderful i love you i wish i could take the pain away i hope that we can stay like this forever i want to protect you from the world, from your family, from everyone who has ever hurt you, because no one has ever done that for you before i want to prove to you that you do have a purpose, but only if you are willing to look for it love is not all you need, but it solves a lot of life's problems people are horrid. the masses deserve to die. but individuals...ah, now thats why im still alive, for the ones around me. i have to resist becoming your everything, as much as i want you to be mine. those are dangerous games, and to toy is not my intention even though it dosnt seem like it all the time, i care. 020704 ... Mahayana a certain beach shell need not bother to make itself ornate with an eels dance- neither need you do anything- my dear sweet love, but be yourself [~ i_think_im_losing_you ~] [there is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt] 020704 ... Dafremen I've decided that I like your little [brackets] too. : ) 020704 ... she I'm thinking about Jake, and the story of how he had to get those gauges in his ears. Then I remember the way he touched my hair this morning, that it was soo gentle and so unlike the persona he puts off and I wonder what really lies behind those quiet little comments he makes, and I'm thinking of how my stepdad will call anytime and complain about my being on the computer and how I have to be up at 2:45 am so I can be to work by 5 and then what clothes I'll wear tomorrow night so that I can stun the whole group. But then I remember i'm fat, fatfatfat, and fat people aren't stunning, but Jake told me I looked "stunning as usual" this morning. Did he mean it? I hope he did, I have a cute face, but too much weight. I'm thinking of how my bird will start shrilling anytime now because she thinks I'm ignoring her. But I'm not, I'm just... well... thinking about that 1.50 raise I got and why it was so much because I always seem to be in trouble there, but it's no intentional. I wonder what Bobbie's fiance will look like now that he is out of Basic training, he was always cute. And now I'm back to Jake with his accent. "Go pock the cah in the gaar-oge." It's kinda cool, i have a thing for accents. 020705 ... Mahayana [let go sass |just|... let... go] do not dwell on things said in the past 020716 ... Freak My mom told me that my step dad has been more of a father then my real dad will ever be. I don't think thats true. All my step dad does is pay for stuff. We don't even talk to each other. A father isn't someone who just pays for shit. A father is someone who.......oh my god....I dont have a father. 020725 ... . i left so abruptly...without saying a word. i wonder if they miss me...i wonder if anyone's looking...i wonder if they even noticed that i left at all. 020725 ... blown cherry Is that I'm just going to bask in the uncertain glory of these early days, and ask questions later. That I need a best friend around, and you're it, I just have to start making the most of you. That it's really nice to have some one around just to hold and to touch, and that it's absolutely amazing and wonderful that that person is you. And I'm still biting my tongue, almost every moment you're with me, and most of the one's you're not. 020726 ... Mahayana that i can not believe that i stood up for myself at my new job, that i didnt allow my boss and co-workers to disrupt a positive atmosphere at work- for myself now nor for others, that i would not allow others within the setting to engage in both harmful and discriminating language. that i didnt back down, for speaking up for what is right does not make me out to be the bad guy no matter what anyone else thinks- i know voicing my concerns on behalf of myself and the clients, co-workers, and other staff was just what i had to do- not only for myself but for everyone else whom believes in going to work as a professional that respects [all] individuals therein within that health care facilities. i am fortunate that my concerns were met up with responsible upper management & Human Resources managers that not only cared to listen to what i had to say but also commended me and thanked me for having the courage and professionalism for taking these matters seriously ... and this is the only reason why i am going back on monday- they are not only willing to make changes but are also working towards making those changes a reality and i want to be apart of the positive changes at work- it might have caused me extra stress i really do not need in my life right now- however- id do it all over again if only it meant that one person down the road will have a better working atmosphere and that the working group dynamics will improve ... than all the stress i went through was well worth it. im also thinking about how lucky that i am to have such a grand love in my life, that she is without a doubt [[the]] most wonderful person i have met in my entire life im also thinking how having your computer totally die on you is such a horrible thing to have happen, however i am also thinking thank god i have the opportunities & privilegde to come to the good 'ol Milwaukee Public Libaray downtown to read a lil blather- and to send a lil email here and there to my sweetie :) to let her know that i am ok and that i am thinking of her :) what_i'm_thinking_right_now: even despite life having throw me some hills i have much to be thankful for 020726 ... Mahayana ohmygoodness those horible typos i just did ...that is what i am thinking now 020726 ... phil today 020729 ... jane i miss you 020907 ... curious toys this face mask is getting too tight...it's starting to crack and it's somewhat hurting my face. is it time for me to wash it off yet? good jesus, 5 more minutes....will i be beautiful then? 020907 ... curious toys i'm thinking about how it must feel to be loved and adored by so many guys, the way that she is. and if i'm thinking about thinking about how it must feel...then that just means i don't know. because if i did know, then i wouldn't be sitting here thinking about it...i guess. 020907 ... Nathan88 that every word she says is like hearing the voice of an angel that im frustrated with the fact that she still does not see im worried for her things might get awkward between the two of them cuz i know how that goes...not cool im jealous because i know he has more of an idea what to get her than i...and he spent a lot of money in the process...damn thats bothersome no wonder i wanted to go i am kinda dissapointed in the way i react to things i should of gone to lax tonite...its sat. im sittin at home alone...it doesnt bother me im just fuckin bored that if certain things would have gone my way i gaurantee the biggest smile on her face that could ever be possible *please do not get upset over this one* for i mean nothing but the showing of pure love the fact that she could make me feel so invisible and unapparent but at the same time make me feel like i was the most loved person that has stemmed from any love is truly amazing i hope she does not think that i am unhappy bout anything cuz i truly am not...i do not know if she could tell becuz not once have i not wanted to be around her...it wasnt i didnt want to be around her just certain other individuals i rented a movie im gonna go watch it to pass the time til i can talk to you once again 021221 ... screwing for virginity my jacket smells like cigaretts, and i jsut waisted 2 hours of my life. 021221 ... bethany that when people tell me to do something ask me it takes me a minute to actually do it coz i aint no beck and call girl and they keep on asking me different ways thinking that i'm gonna pop up and it pisses me off and i'll do it when i'm damn well ready 021221 ... girlnamedlover Im thinking about how my boyfriens of 11 months and one day and I just broke up. and about how Im really fucking drunk. and about how I cant get "falling out of love at this volume" stuck in my head. 021221 ... girlnamedlover I love him. 021221 ... Rhin ...of how much i would just love to snuggle deep into my bed and talk to someone...at this very moment. 021222 ... devalis ...I miss my Sean. Where is he? I know that party didn't last this long. Least I hope not. Am I being obsessive? Do I even have to ask myself that question? Am I turning into an Andy is a better question. ...Firefly is awesome. I can't believe they're cancelling it. So quality. ...dammit, where is he? 021222 ... angie It feels so right having you next to me. I love how we say the same things and think the same things... I love everything about you Past, Present, and Future I hallucinated last nite again...after you had left...I was so tired...I was falling asleep but I thought I was downstairs again it was the oddest feeling. You were saying the most amazinly beautiful things to me last nite. I never wanted it to end. There is nothing better than falling asleep in your arms. Safe from everything and everyone. Comfortable. I wake up every morning with a smile because of you. Haha today I woke up at 1230 because my mom came home for lunch and she was like Angie...4am is too late for him to stay over...tehee...I told her we fell asleep and she didn't care then she just laughed :) Yay :) You are so amazing 021230 ... sweatin like a talkshow host tonight shit. He knows. foot in my mouth, no, foot down my throat, lips wrapped around my knee. "uh...i'm...going to...go now..." "ok." "er. bye" "...bye." 021230 ... Mahayana god this really fucking hurts [and] somehow i think i deserve it all 021230 ... pontifier Holy mother of all that is good bad or indifferent! All I can think of is the pain. The PAIN! No, not the pain most of you blatherers are feeling. I mean real ouch pain. Physical pain that causes sweat in 0 degrees. I fell on my hip playing hockey without pads. In the interest of salvaging my elbow I chose to let every pound I own land on 4 square inches of my hip. There seems to be a possibility of brokeness. My elbow is fine though. Was it a good exchange? 021230 ... that girl over there i'm wondering why 'pontifier' doesn't visit the emergency room? he obviously needs pain medication and/or an x-ray...or...maybe he just needs a long soak in a hot bath, followed by a hot oil massage? i'm also wondering if he scored? that at least would have made the injury worthwhile in some aspect. i love hockey! 021230 ... colors20 I'm thinking I want to help someone, or accomplish something. the wierd part is that I've been accomplishing a lot lately. I don't know why I still feel like I need to do more and help more. I feel like I should be able to help Tenecia more. Maybe I help her more than she lets me know. I mean help keep her less stressed. Her parents are really crazy, both of them. That really sucks. I really enjoy spending time with her, and she enjoys spending time with me. she told me so, and the way she acts makes me think so anyway. I'm just a little afraid that I might be getting obsessed or "addicted" to her, but she assures me that I'm not. that's a good thing. I doubt I'll worry about it much more. I am worried about my school work. I got a 3.4 in the first quarter, but I know most of my grades have slipped since then. I think I get bored or tired of the classes. I dunno... I'm kind of waiting for a hint of what I should do. nothing has come yet... so I guess I'll just keep waiting. 030101 ... scuzz I think I need patience. The new year has just come, millions of 'resolutions' drift into the air in a fleeting explosion of fireworks, and nothing will change tomorrow. Doesn't it all feel the same? We don't get any life changing revolation about ourselves that the stroke of twelve, so what of it all? It feels the same, but in the past, each coming year has somehow quietly made past years distinct. Patience will hopefully help me find change. School starting up again in two weeks is NOT what I'm looking for in the way of change. I need a new guitar solo to end my day. 030101 ... Lilac beautiful_mistakes 030103 ... sixfingers wow.. well it's hard to tell because by the time im done writing this i'll have gone through so many more thoughts than words i can write in the same time period.. 030103 ... solitary What's left ahead of us, my darling, is a life that rivals champagne and diamonds with only love and familiarity when we find each other again. 030104 ... megan will he call me? hope so. i don't want to step back into reality tomorrow. i should probably take a bubble bath. I should probably be doing my homework instead of blathering. 'I should probably just shut up and blather. 030105 ... devalis I don't want to be in school. But I am. And can't stop it. So I'll just sit. 030211 ... niska i don't even know what to think right now. i want you to cry i want you to feel i want you to hurt then i want you to heal i want you to stay i want you to go i want you to wonder and i want you to know i want to start over i want this to end i want to be your lover only, i want to be your friend i want you here i want you there i want you. want you everywhere i want to hate you, but i can't... why the HELL can't i decide what it is i really want from you? I am stuck in a place i don't want to be, and you remind me of why i'm here - why can't i just embrace this and stay? i keep thinking of when i will leave again, and it's ruining everything. i'm trying so hard to be realistic, but everything about you isn't. and somehow, i just want to give it a try, just in case it's the best thing that could ever happen. even if i walk away feeling it was the worst, at least i could be happy for one moment in this wretched place that i hate, save for the fact that you're in it. it's not really as complicated as i made it out to be and for that, i'm so sorry. i'm just a bit afraid of what i might learn from you. and even more afraid of what i already should have. 030403 ... jessicafletcher peanut butter crackers GET OUT of my teeth!!! but you taste so good. 030404 ... Dafremen How very privileged I am to have met you all. 030404 ... eklektic how could he just leave her like that. even if it has been discussed over the years and money has been spent on counseling, i dont understand. i dont know you. but i dont understand why you're leaving. it's going to hurt them when you leave. 030405 ... pipedream i wish i could sing that song. how much i love my blog site. how i intend to pass CS like this. i wish i had a swing. tomorrow i will be happy because i will see my posse. i better get off the net and do some CS. there's a hole in my good old tattered t-shirt that i will never throw away and i can feel my hair tickle my back through it. today the strawberries taste perfect. 030406 ... User24 Hello me, meet the real me In my misfits way of life A dark black past is my Most valued possesion Hindsight is always 20/20 Looking back it's still a bit fuzzy Speak of mutually assured destruction Nice Story Tell it to readers digest... 030406 ... ferret i'm so depressed yet at the same time i want to be more depressed and not depressed and i NEED to talk to someone about why i'm depressed. lots of people at my school are depressed. i need to talk to one of them. grrrrrrr... 030412 ... niska it just keeps getting better. i just saw a wicked fucking band tonight. first, this local band at this cabaret by my place fucking KICKED ASS! i can't believe i don't go to these shows more often. i bought their album. not downloaded, BOUGHT. this is rare... then i come home, wasted & tired and Billy Corgan is back, & on SNL (I get it late). AND tom called four times in the three hours i was out. so i call him back and can't help but grin, cause he's coming home tomorrow! it's such a day for good music, i can't even describe what a fantastic feeling this is! i want to dance sround and sing. my neighbors may complain though... i'll have to be quiet, i guess. right now, i wish we were sharing this day together. i'm feeling like this is the funnest day i have had in a few months, and he's not even here. just missing it. right now, i'm missing tom... :( 030412 ... unhinged what i'm thinking right now is that i'm sick of all this bullshit. when they needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to give them advice, someone to listen, i was there. what about me? so i sit there nodding and affirming and reconfirming not wanting to add to anyone's stress. calling when they ask me to with no_reply, waiting for telephone calls that are never returned. what happens when i need someone to do the same for me? nothing; not a goddamn thing. i could be your emotional snot rag, cut myself up into little pieces and you don't care when you are having a good day. but when the days turn dark and you need someone to help you sort it out, you come to me. you tell me you want me to move in with you, but you can't return my phone calls. i feel like everytime i call it's a hassle for you. and i tell myself i'm not going to call you. but i know i'm lying to myself. just once i would like to have someone be there for me. just once. i needed you; i held the phone in my hand my thumb posed over the button ready to dial and i thought 'oh no, i shouldn't bother him. it's 4am and he said he would call and he didn't so he obviously doesn't want to talk to me.' and i cut myself to pieces and cried. you don't want their bullshit anymore. but what about me? 030413 ... stilted spastic i'm thinking that i wish someone treated nicole like they gave a shit about her. but then i could also wish the same thing for myself, and it's no fucking use. nothing happens, everything happens, nothing changes, nobody materializes. sally go 'round the roses. "i wanna do that drunken belly roll". 030413 ... minnesota_chris "this paper is such crap!" 030413 ... spoons how much I miss you... 030413 ... :-( sometimes (all the time) I think Tim tries too hard to have depth. maybe it's his lack of faith taht drives him to search for meaning in things that don't have any. like him (that objective asshole) that would also explain why he tries to rob meaning from things that do. Like God. a real friend doesn't question your faith just because he has none of his own. or becasue he's trynig to be rebellious because he's a PK and maybe if he abandons his religion then someone might think he's cool... and just the thrust the point home he must belittle your faith, your beliefs. or just make himself feel better. a real friend doesn't give you the look he gives his little sister when he wants her to shut up and then tell you that you're stupid and wasting the space and then ignore you. and then get offended when you get offended. and a real friend sure as hell doesn't ditch you for her boyfriend. i don't have any real friends, then. 030414 ... b_l_a_n_k people are crap. i hate people, they're so shallow. i wish people would just step off their high pedestals of crap and look back up and realize how stupid they are. all i can do is watch the people around me blow through life like they don't care. it's pathetic, i would skip a grade or 2 but i would miss the few real people that i know. besides, i don't know anyone at the high school... except Jessie. She could hook me up. But i don't want to just be a tag-along. Grrrrrrrr. I wish i could just take everyone's lives and mess them up as much as i could so they would finally see that they're no better than me, or anyone else for that matter. All the jocks need to shut up. Interruptions in class and people being annoying. Too annoying, i feel like there's nobody to talk to. and wtf is a "watershed"? wtf is that????????? anyway, yeah, the list of people grows smaller every day. 030414 ... andrew where is she? 030617 ... carlita i better eat something quick... before my stomach eats me alive! 030702 ... nomatter thanks for crushing my dreams, but how am i supposed to know if I am depressed? 031017 ... brazen lucidity . stolen name -Why are they pink? They shouldn't be pink. They're not usually pink at this time. It's only 4:40ish. -Wonder if anyone'll know what they refers to. Not that it matters. 031228 ... Doar my mind is blank 031228 ... ...IV ...to the person who thinks they have no 'real' friends.. you are incredibly insecure. and rather self-centered, if i do say so myself. a friend does not always agree with what you believe in. yes, i know you realize that. but a real friend also doesn't keep their mouth shut and let you walk into whatever you want. if they don't believe in what you do, and have ideas that clash head on with those beliefs, bet your fucking left ass cheek they'll tell you you're wrong. or at least that they think you're wrong. a friend does not always back up another. they don't always want you around. oh, hey, you got annoying. maybe i should sit and listen. or maybe ive dealt with so much of your crap, or im in such a bad mood right now, that ill just tell you to go away. in the same tone of voice i reserve for my little sister. big surprise there, dear. im -sure- youre always the center of attention, and everyone is completely fine with that. your not-so-real-friends need their space sometimes. cut 'em some slack. oh, no, she's more interested in a guy than me. do you have a boyfriend? no, i didn't think so. and if you ever have had one, im sure youve taken him over her once in a blue moon. not to say youre a selfish bitch like that friend of yours, keeping a guy on a short leash and paying no attention to anyone else. calm down. shell be back. and if not, dont worry. she wasnt worth it. or maybe youre not worth it, because you dont take the fucking time to talk to these people and ask them why they act the way they do. or actually think about why they act the way they do for more than two minutes. yes, yes, i know youre too weak to do anything but scratch the surface, but its always worth it to try. right? of course, i could be completely wrong about you. may have skipped over some of your words, yknow. but it's all good. arent i a hypocrite, taking what you said at face value. and if there are any spelling mistakes in there, i blame emanuel. good for nothing spellchecksheep. by the by, excuse my lack of punctuation/capitalization. im simply not in the mood to hit the shift at the beginning of every sentence. laziness abounds. 031228 ... Syrope my old blathes are so odd. i've stumbled upon too many tonight. and how am i supposed to help you? your problem deals with something i can only dream to have. i'll be here if you need me, but i'll feel useless. what else is new today? 040410 ... pete i am empty. and in my emptiness i can be used and never run dry. i am not free, but in my unfreedom i can be chained but never truly contained or controlled. i am absense, and in that absense i am present always. i am drifting, and that drifting is a constant standing point. i am still the state my breathing and meditative experimentation put me in over four hours ago. i feel so alive. i want to fly. i think i might be able to, once i close my eyes. i fell asleep with the sun, woke again when i in my dream remembered i could wake, then i remembered that i could talk and talked to a friend. i want to listen to bjork. im sure that would shatter this, and mogwai is so appealing. i am just thinking and typing without much difference between the two. christmas steps = volume up. i hear her voice. i want to hear her voice. i want to call her but i am afraid. of what, pete, are you afraid? of her not answering the phone. what a silly fear. maybe she will come on and i can ask her if i can call her, or her me. or maybe i should just call her. the thoughts the thoughts. i feel the strength of this love. this powerful love. i feel kinda silly at the email i sent borealis. random emails from someone you havent talked to in a year.. must be strange. if feel. i exist. i transcend. i stay the same. i adapt. i never evolve, i have yet to figure out how to change my gene sequences to allow me to evolve. i think about how my mind my just be a quantum computer-ish thingy, and i think about the millions of billions of universes created when i think. christmas steps is building up. wow. i love this song.. okay.. what am i thinking now? well.. i love you. 040411 ... Connecting..the.dots.. Of the pain that awaits me in a few weeks Better to laugh and dance in happiness now while I still can then think of the ever looming misery ahead My tummy just growled at me, I guess I must be hungry, what time is it? Is it really -that- late? No wonder I just got growled at! And other thoughts of food as I leave blather to head for the kition 040613 ... love & hate My Katie, the one person who makes me complete. The one i love unconditionally for eternity, as i promised her. Never did i imagine she would stop loving me.... 040613 ... lacunas coil sleep, wind, silent, breathe, life, and lego blocks. 040613 ... puredream "that you really are a beautiful person." -believe it 040613 ... daxle i can do anything 040613 ... mood ring the words that describe my love is you and me. and there are tons of yous around, but they must not want me for their you. and the moral of the story is: dont let me tell you what im thinking. my mind is a scary scary place. 040613 ... dosquatch That second jumbo Texas margarita - bad idea. Very, very bad. *groan* 040613 ... puredream I've always seen through you. Seen into you... 040721 ... nonlucid nothing... absolutely nothing. and it's beautiful 040722 ... pete a sick person shouldn't work in the kitchen of a restaurant..but i only work three days a week.. so i can't call in sick cause i dont even have a fever yet 040723 ... thunderbuck ram about the magnificent dirty horny sex I had last night. I'm obsessed. 040823 ... love & hate That this world is full of fucked up people. Ones that are out there only to destroy you. That everyone ever born in this world is an arsehole. They are there to cause pain, to hurt you in ways unimaginable and to slowly kill you while you still believe and trust them. That no one is capable of loving, that everything turns to hate. And everyone you ever love will let you down and stamp all over your heart. That this world should be eradicated and that every human being should be killed as they are all fucked up and dont belong here. My life shouldnt be spared. When i take my life, it will be the beginning of the end of the rest of this world. And everyone will feel pain and suffering. Everyone will feel heartbreak. That this world wasnt made for me and i should not exist here for it is not a nice place to live. Take my soul if you must, if you cant take my life, take my soul. I give it to whoever wishes to take it, i no longer want it. I give it to you, TAKE IT NOW. Please. I beg of you, whoever you are, take it from me. Use me as you wish as long as i dont exist anymore. I give you my soul, my body, my mind and my heart. Just let me die, and i will thank you for eternity by never coming back to this fucked up world. By helping everyone by destroying this stupid planet with all its morals and beliefs. Take my soul!!! 040823 ... thunderbuck ram Jesus!!!!!!!!! ............2. Here now for a limited period only, but he may come back again.. 040824 ... unevolved i need some new tunes. 041017 ... concha colm wilkinson has a sexy sexy voice and i need to go to bed and i need to stop dipping my fingers into the open peanut butter jar that is before me but my arms are cold and tomorrow is the last real day and oh my i've got the tired shakes. 050403 ... *Amy* I would like to be a homeless and die from drug adiction to stop this tempest in my life 050404 ... *Amy* I would like to be a homeless and die from drug adiction to stop this tempest in my life 050404 ... delial thinking about talking to her again, but then the conversation played itself out in my mind, and the reasons for not talking came flooding back...so i changed my mind. ugh. why do things have to be so fucking complicated. now skipping through my itunes playlist...mm, neutral_milk_hotel "oh, beautiful smiles won't you stay awhile? we could close the door and sleep all day..." 050404 ... sirflaccid I really don't feel like being played. However, I may be already. 050404 ... piercedjenny that i would really like to get in touch with the part of me that feels anything but nothing at all 050404 ... Freak An unfaithful heart burns worse than unfaithful lips. 050405 ... lovekilledlove and i just wish i was in love... 050405 ... had subway for dinner i really really really miss her 050405 ... giff this is too good to be true. something has to go wrong and that's why butterflies are crawling all thru my stomach tearing me apart. i want to hear his voice to ease my fears, but i am so scared this time is it. the dreaded day that i wish would never come. the more i fall for him the worse it is. why does love have to be so scary? 050406 ... . i want your hand between my legs warm and cupped i want your knee parting the space up against the old cement wall we'll make the doves fly away except that one thing which embitters every succulent little dream you are gone 050406 ... dreamer i want to learn italian 050407 ... Doar how much i want to turn my life around and begin anew. *sighs* 050728 ... Lemon_Soda We waste our time thinking about what was or will be...we forget so easily that we are now... 050729 ... akuma aoi my teeth hurt it's hot outside i need to get laid 050729 ... epitome_of_incomprehensibility I hate people. People are crap. They're so profound. Why can't everyone just be shallow like me???? Okay, yeah, that wasn't exactly fair. I feel like being funny. I also lack creative inspiration and someone to yell at. I feel like painting things with subliminal messages inside them but I really don't know how. 050729 ... rhin i've just discovered the sex of one blatherskite to be the opposite of what i assumed, and it pisses me off. it completely throws certain blathes of theirs into an entirely different perspective. now i'm thinking... i'm not re-reading those blathes. fuck it. and sometimes i curse too much. 060619 ... rage i wonder how long i can scrabble from candle to candle before i have to face the darkness. 060619 ... *Amy* I`m thinking about how I wanted someone by my side to talk to before I go to sleep. Maybe if I wasn`t alone all nights I wouldn`t imagine and see so clearly those faces of dead peolple I knew looking at me, and I wouldn`t end all my days crying because they won`t stop looking at me. I wish there was someone holding me and telling me everything is going to be allright. 060620 ... australian highrise I'm thinking: is it normal to be so angry at people you once thought the world of? is it normal to love your littlest brother and no one else? why do I hate so many people right now? what is with my idiotic fucking funk I've been caught in the past week? why can't I tell anyone? only You know. I'm wearing a dress with blue and white and green and yellow. 060620 ... Toxic_Kisses My last "Verify" code for Blather was: 2asy 2asy=sassy=Sassafrass=Mahayana Even when not here she still finds ways of haunting Blather 081009 ... In_Bloom Is to take up an invitation back East and out run my own crumbling walls I won't- I won't run But I can think it to make the hurt a little less 081009 ... daxle I do not feel so enlightened. What is going on with my brain chemistry? Probably best just to go to sleep. How did I get roped into attending a 2.5 hour long catholic mass tomorrow? 081009 ... somebody about sex, as usual 081009 ... twentyone I should probably get this tooth looked at. 081010 ... In_Bloom The sound of your sucking breaths through ever so slightly parted lips and your eyes fixed on mine as the back of your knee makes friends with my fingertips 090623 what's it to you? who go blather from