baby_satan's_snack_tips baby satan thought i'd share some of my hellish creations with the rest of you. here's one you pickle-lovers will enjoy. BS'S MAYO & PICKLE DELIGHT has the heat got you feeling sticky and tired? have all your chocolate bars and similar treats melted? time to grab the mayo and slather it all over that gigantic pickle you've been itching to chew on. you'll need: - 1 jar/container/handfull of mayonnaise - as many pickles as you want (preferably dill, but experimentation is encouraged) - something cold and alcoholic to drink how to make it: remove a pickle from the jar, or wherever you keep your pickles. slather it in mayonnaise. eat. drink something cold and alcoholic to complement the taste of this unique snack (much like one would use cheese to offset the taste of a fine or not-so-fine wine). enjoy, and watch out for more of my exciting snacks. i'll post them as i create them. 010616 ... nocturnal I can't imagine why, but somehow I feel rather ill now. 010616 ... baby satan BS'S GUMMY BEAR & TEDDY GRAHAM DRINK you'll need: - packages of gummy bears and teddy grahams, respectively - a blender - assorted fruit (i recommend mixing black currants, apples and apricots) - milk (optional) how to make it: dump the contents of the gummy bears and teddy grahams packages into the blender (or as much as you want). clean and cut the fruit. dump that in there too. if you like, you can pour some milk in to smooth the whole thing out. let the blender run on high until the mixture looks somewhat drinkable. pour into a glass and enjoy. 010616 ... nocturnal and this is who might be in control of the universe for a while? I gotta find a new universe. 010616 ... baby satan these are only suggestions. i don't thrust my ideas upon anyone. you are free to eat what you wish. having said that, i will continue to post my snack experiments for those who might be interested. 010616 ... nocturnal please do. I meant in no way to hinder your experimental suggestions for curious snackers. 010616 ... baby satan BS'S TANGY URINE & TURNIP JUICE COCKTAIL ("THE TWANGER") ever wondered if urine really does taste like beer? ever tasted turnip juice? now you can get the best of both worlds with this exciting new nonalcoholic drink. you'll need: - canned turnip juice (only sold in hell, where some of us have no tastebuds. i can get you some imported if you really want it) - urine (your own or someone else's) - a blender how to make it: simply dump the turnip juice and urine into the blender. let the blender run on high for a few minutes, or until it starts to turn opaque and orangeish. if you want, you can squeeze some lemon in for an added kick. pour into a glass and enjoy. 010616 ... paste! sounds like something created by the nomadic evil Keebler elf that left the big ass tree to hang out with the swamp gnomes. or something like that. 010616 ... baby satan BS'S MIND-NUMBING LINT SANDWICH you waste perfectly good lint everytime you pluck some from from your navel, or between your toes, only to throw it into the garbage. put that lint to work! make yourself a sandwich that'll force your mouth to wake up and grow a new tongue. this treat depends on the availability of lint, so it'll most likely be a special occasion-type thing. you'll need: - a collection of lint (i recommend you start collecting a few weeks in advance, depending on how much lint you normally produce) - bread (any kind will do, but i recommend that nice italian bread that always has flour on the crust) - tabasco sauce - toothpaste (for a mellow taste, go for something like colgate; for something more powerful, try sensodyne or any other paste with baking soda) - anything else you wish to add (butter, salt, mustard or other similar items) how to make it: mix the toothpaste and tabasco sauce together in a measuring cup. you can experiment with varying amounts of each until you arrive at a suitable mixture. stick in the microwave for five minutes on high. when done, refrigerate. spread the lint onto the bread using a butter knife or spatula. once you have achieved a nice consistency, retrieve the tabascopaste from the fridge and pour it on. add other ingredients if you want. slap the two halves of the sandwich together and enjoy. 010617 ... baby satan BS'S RELAXING GOAT SODA what could taste better than a carbonated goat? a carbonated goat with a hunk of lime floating in it! treat yourself with this exotic and versatile beverage. you'll need: - club soda, or something carbonated and relatively tasteless - a goat, or several goats, or a piece of a goat (you get the idea) - a hunk of lime - some kind of liquefier how to make it: first, make sure your goat is dead. the ideal goat will have lived a long life and died naturally, leaving its body ancient and ripe for liquefying. after ensuring that the goat isn't alive, you'll want to use something like Baby Satan's Goat Liquefier to turn it to slop. sure, you could cook the goat until it melts, but that takes too long. liquefy it! but clean it first. after the goat has been liquefied, mix it with your club soda/tonic. you'll want to aim for a 50/50 mix to get that perfect taste: not to goaty, but nice and smooth with a velvety head. throw in the hunk of lime for a little added sweetness, and enjoy this relaxing drink. USEFUL TIP: if you liquefy the goat just right and try a 70/30 mix (goat/tonic), the drink can double as an effective sedative. it has something to do with excessive liquefication and the ratio of goat : tonic. don't ask me how, but it works. 010618 ... paste! dear baby satan, i'm hungry and i have extra virgin olive oil, cat, mashed potato flakes, WD40, mop strings, romaine lettuce, pepto bismol and pizza dough in my pants. what can i make? i have some ideas but my methods aren't as refined as yours. plus i don't want to waste such wholesome ingredients! can you give me some pointers? enthusiastically yours, paste! oh yeah, i also have concentrated watermelon rind and a bag of eyes. 010618 ... not god (wipes drool) 010618 ... black-dyed gel product do you know how to make anything with the old baking soda in the back of my freezer and a day-old cockroach? 010618 ... baby satan thanks for the challenge. i got to tinkering around in my demonic kitchen, and here's what i came up with. paste!---- you've got: - extra virgin olive oil - cat - mashed potato flakes - WD40 - mop strings - romaine lettuce - pepto bismol - pizza dough in your pants - concentrated watermelon rind - a bag of eyes you can make a whole meal with that: GRILLED CAT A LA BS with a ROMA-MOP-EYE-TATERFLAKE SALAD how to make it: skin and clean that kitty. let it soak overnight in a mixture of the WD40 and olive oil. the next day, preheat the oven to about 300 degrees and cook that kitty slowly inside of the pizza dough (like you would a roast). be sure not to cook your pants, as they may come in handy later. once you can stab it with a fork without breaking your wrist and the meat looks cooked, your kitty’s done. you can put the salad together while the cat cools off. after cutting and cleaning appropriately, combine the romaine lettuce, mop strings, eyes and mashed potato flakes (a little like mutant croutons), topping it all with a pepto bismol vinaigrette. for an after-dinner snack, munch on that concentrated watermelon rind. if you have any pepto bismol vinaigrette leftover, it would make a great dip. black-dyed gel product---- you’ve got: - old, frozen baking soda - a day-old cockroach you can make: BS'S SPECIAL SOCKRODA POPPER how to make it: gut the cockroach with a knife, screwdriver or any similar object. leave only a thin layer of flesh. stuff the cockroach flesh with the frozen baking soda. if you want, you can add some salt and pepper. let it sit out for a day or two until the baking soda melts and the cockroach begins to smell a little. then eat at your leisure. TIP: sometimes ingesting an aging cockroach can make you sick. preposterous, i know, but it can happen. to avoid food poisoning, spray the cockroach with lysol before ingesting. that should kill any bacteria, or at least allow you to dust your snack effectively. i hope those suggestions help. 010618 ... hanael i like you, i want to gnaw on your entrails if you'll let me ( i don't bite too hard) but i do just happen to have my own tase treat on hand a tasty_priest by the way, cousin, how's grandpa and uncle satan? tell 'em i said hi 010619 ... paste! bs, i almost fell out of chair from so hard laughing. thanx. also: i picked up some batteries, moose, powdered milk, frozen peas, phlegm, pie crust and dwarf droppings during a recent trip to the gun show. i want to do something with those ingredients plus Cher's leather panties that i just picked up off eBay. hope you can help. paste! 010619 ... baby satan well, paste!, it wasn't easy. but, after much experimentation, i managed to come up with something you might like. you've got: - batteries - moose - powdered milk - frozen peas - phlegm - pie crust - dwarf droppings - Cher's leather panties you can make: BS'S ELECTRIC MOOSE PIE with a sidedish of tangy leather panties how to make it: first you'll want to set your moose on fire, putting out the fire as soon as the moose has been slightly blackened. you'll do this because a lightly charred moose is just right for the pie, and a flaming moose is fun to watch. just make sure you don't set anything else on fire, like your clothes or your home. after the moose has been suitably charred, throw a bunch of it into the pie crust. throw the dwarf droppings in there too to give it an otherworldly smoky fragrance. bake the crust in whatever way you see fit. some use an oven, but i prefer to use an extra-large pie toaster, complete with little grooves to collect the moose and dwarf dropping runoff. once your crust is underway, cook your peas and mix the powdered milk and phlegm together to make a delicious creamy sauce. break apart the batteries with something bulky like a sledgehammer, meat cleaver or a box of snackwells cookies. cut Cher's leather panties into strips (as long and wide as you want them), and soak them in the battery acid. after letting sit for a good half hour, this makes for a great appetizer. when everything else is cooked thoroughly, throw it on a plate and enjoy your meal! 010619 ... paste! i'm on it! as a matter of fact, the moose has just burst into flames. he was a wily one, that moose. good conversation. tough to see him go. but then again, i got snacks a'comin! 010619 ... black-dyed gel product Hey bs, I tried the SPECIAL SOCKRODA POPPERS, mmmmm mmmmm good. Now I have a new problem. I fed an extra one to my dog, and he started to gag so I sprayed so lysol in his mouth. Long story short, he keeled over on my kitchen table. Is there anything I can make with a dog's corpse, a broken lightbulb, a bag of corn chips, and a half full bottle of beer. Should I just take the dog to the Korean grocer down the street? Either way its food. 010619 ... nocturnal someone has got to write the food network about this. you could so have your own show. all these recipes are absolute repulsive genius. 010619 ... baby satan thanks for the praise. now, black-dyed gel product, if you decide not to take your dog to the korean grocer, you could always make yourself an interesting snack. it's a bit of an acquired taste, but most of my creations are. you've got: - a dog's corpse - a broken lightbulb - a bag of corn chips - a half-full bottle of beer you can make: BS'S STUFFED BOOZEHOUND TORSO how to make it: cut that dog's midsection open, scoop out all the organs and gunk you don't need, and stuff your ingredients inside - even the broken lightbulb. pour the beer in there too. set the dog on fire, much like paste! did to the moose mentioned previously, but only let it burn until the eyes start to melt. then extinguish the fire and let your dog cool off. you might want to keep some of the corn chips handy to munch on during the cool off period. once your dog has cooled down significantly, get rid of the head and other unneeded body parts. all you want is the area everything was stuffed into, which will probably end up looking like a cross between a mutant chicken and a rattlesnake. when you've got that straightened out, throw it on a plate and enjoy. feel free to experiment with different "spices". if you've got some extra styling wax around, or lip balm that's melted, you could always give it a try. 010620 ... paste! i'm starved baby satan! oddly enough, the hurricane took everything...everything but a mannequin, bacon, vanilla pudding, elephant scrotum, Jackie Chan's cologne, phtalo green oil paint and a bag of funyuns. what do i do? i'm getting dizzy with this low blood suga...(paste! faints) 010620 ... baby satan shame about that hurricane, paste!. this should help once you come to. you've got: - a mannequin - bacon - vanilla pudding - elephant scrotum - jackie chan's cologne - phtalo green oil paint - a bag of funyuns you can make: BS'S DEMONIC SCROBANILLA SLOP how to make it: mix the vanilla pudding, elephant scrotum, oil paint and funyons together in a large bowl. throw the mannequin in the oven and let it melt. you'll have to have an oven large enough to accomodate the mannequin, and a deep pan of some kind to collect the melted mannequin gloop. while the mannequin is melting, fry the bacon. dump the pudding/scrotum/paint/funyon mixture in with the bacon and let it sizzle. pour yourself a shot of jackie chan's cologne and knock it back. a little like moonshine, isn't it? pour another. pour as many as you'd like, or until you run out of cologne. then, when the mannequin has melted completely, combine it with the pudding/scrotum/paint/funyon mixture and stir until it starts to stick together. when a paste(!)-like consistency has been achieved, throw your slop in a clean bowl and enjoy. TIP: next time you feel a faint coming on from lack of blood sugar, try chewing on an sos pad. it helps to stimulate the central nervous system, or so i'm told. so, while your body will want to faint, your brain won't let it! just don't get addicted to sos pads. too much artificial stimulation can't be good for you, can it? 010620 ... paste! phew! that was quite a scare, fainting like that, but i made it back to consciousness! and as a matter of fact i DID have an sos pad in my possession, but i was told a week ago by some quack doctor with an octupus hat that a sufferer from low-blood sugar is supposed to scrub his forehead with the sos pad, check email and then to ingest a motherboard. alas! it didn't seem like good professional advice and he only asked for 2 dollars. on the flip side, i received an invitation by the neighborhood bourgeoisie to host a meal tonight in their honor; they want me to be a part of their little elite circle. of course, i accepted, but only to prove a point unnecessary to explain...so here is what i have, waiting to be transformed into delights of the palate: sewage, duck feathers, spam, an ice sculpture of ghandi, a wonderbra, milk and a chocolate-frosted doormat. i don't mean to be so pushy with my requests, but you know, how many violins can one walrus transport? the answer is yellow pillow. 010620 ... baby satan sorry. i got a little tied up. a gang of angels tried to steal a book of my old recipes, and one of them thought he would beat me over the head with a frozen emu. needless to say, i showed them where to stick their wings. now that i've got that out of the way, here's a treat that'll mystify your elite friends. you've got: - sewage - duck feathers - spam - an ice sculpture of ghandi (not to be eaten) - a wonderbra - milk - a chocolate-frosted doormat you can make: BS'S SPICY WONDERSPAM how to make it: combine the spam, sewage, milk and duck feathers and stir until it all starts to stick together. throw it on the oven at whatever temperature you like (300 is the usual reference point) until it's thoroughly cooked. when cooked, the sewage provides a mildly spicy taste that brings the spam to life. the duck feathers are also edible when cooked, and some have compared them to barbecued artichokes. when your spam mixture is ready, take a hammer to the chocolate-frosted doormat, knocking bits of chocolate into the spam mixture. the remnants of the doormat can later be draped over your ice-sculpted ghandi's shoulders to give him an edgy look. you can also put that wonderbra to good use by hooking it around ghandi's breasts. that'll surely instigate some heated discussion at the dinner table! if you'd rather not be so controversial, you can always chop up the wonderbra and sprinkle bits of it over the spam mixture. once it absorbs the sewage, it stops tasting like cloth and adopts a lettuce-like texture. your dinner guests will be just as hard-pressed to find a stranger meal incorporating spam as they will be to pin down what makes this one taste so fine. 010620 ... black-dyed gel product Great work, BS!! The STUFFED BOOZEHOUND TORSO was a big hit with the ladies. You should get the food network, or just stab the iron chef and steal his show. 010620 ... baby satan i'm glad the hound went over well. here's a little something to enjoy in the hot weather. BS'S SOOTHING JUNE BUG BROTH you know how june bugs are everywhere in the summer? now you can turn those annoying things into something refreshing. you'll need: - a bunch of june bugs - cranberry juice - eggnog how to make it: gather a bunch of june bugs using whatever you want. i recommend those big nets used to clean gunk out of swimming pools. liquefy the june bugs using Baby Satan's Goat Liquefier. sure, it's made for goats, but it'll work just as well on anything else. once the june bugs have been completely liquefied, throw them in the blender with the cranberry juice and eggnog. if you'd like a tartier taste, aim for more cranberry juice than eggnog. if you want enough sweetness to make your lips fall off, go heavy on the eggnog. either way, you get a cool drink that's easy to make and impossible to imitate! when the mixture starts to look brownish, pour it in a glass and enjoy. 010621 ... paste! hey baby satan! the dinner went over magestically thanks to you! they all had simultaneous panic attacks and i have it all on film. and as they were trying to leave, i told my shepherd to release his flock of wooly vermin all around my doorstep. then ghandi started to speak, and needless to say, it was quite a moment. after that, the SPICY WONDERSPAM was a knockout! no, really. it came to life and started punching. 4 out of 5 of my guests are dead now, but that's ok, they were a pain in the ass. nevertheless, one good transformation came from the beating. the other guest, in conjunction with his WONDERSPAM beating, was so enchanted by frozen ghandi's words that he became my shepherd's apprentice. he's gonna walk the earth like david carradine. i'm hammered. it's munchy time. i have a 2x4 and a gallon of cheeze whiz. that's all. i could do the obvious and just spread a thick layer of pasteurized goo onto the wood and grub away, but that's boring. can you help here? i also have elvis presley's lung. i've been saving that, as you could imagine, but now may be the time to put it to use. any help is appreciated. paste! 010621 ... baby satan i'm happy to help, paste!. i actually had a lung on hand the other night, and some toying around yielded new snack that might work for you. you've got: - a 2x4 - a gallon of cheese whiz - elvis presley's lung you can make: BS'S CHEESE-ENCRUSTED LUNG SPLINTERS how to make it: you'll want to break the 2x4 into tiny pieces, either by running it over, going at it with a chainsaw or just beating it to pieces with something hard. once you've got a sufficient number of wood pieces, stuff them into any openings in elvis's lung. you'll want to dump a lot of the cheeze whiz in there as well. when all this is done, throw it in the microwave on high until it explodes. then pick up the fragments and eat them. it's a messy snack, but very tasty. if you don't fancy cleaning up cheesy lung splinters, you can always take the stuffed lung out of the microwave before it explodes and start gnawing on it. whatever you decide, you won't be disappointed. 010621 ... black-dyed gel product BS, your snack tips are great, but eating your recipes keeps landing me in the infirmary. Last time they had to pump seven gallons of june bugs out of my stomach; the doc said I almost beat the Rod Stewart record. Do you have any suggestions so that I won't land in the hospital next time, or if I do, how can I ruin the lives of the nurses, doctors and other patients? 010621 ... paste! mmm! good recipe! whatever elvis inhaled over his lifetime sure adds a valiant flavor to this snack! i must admit, baby satan you have a way in the culinary realm. i'm still picking tasty CHEESE-ENCRUSTED LUNG SPLINTERS from my teeth. mmm! well, i'm stuffed. i sure don't need anything else to satifsfy my hunger, but i do have a mailman who is quite ready for a scrumptious treat. here's what he has: an overnight-mail giant box full of kind bud, 327 insured mail parcels, a wooden statue of a tree, a sweaty hat, pop rocks (an entire truck full), 78 bottle rockets and a large hawaiian pizza. he's hungry and worried and really stressed out and he's bugging the christ out of me. i have a really good idea for him (get high, eat the pizza, watch fireworks), but i don't think he'd go for it. could you please devise an alternate recipe to relay to this poor soul. paste! 010621 ... pyriel and while you're at it i just cleaned out my attic and came across the following items a set deer antlers a vacuum bag full of dust some mummified rats five deformed fetuses in jars a termite mound (with live termitews still in it) some well aged and equally mummified cockroaches (which i figure i'll use to mae some sockroda popper hors d'oeuvre) and a quart can of black pitch sealant what do you recommend? 010622 ... baby satan black-dyed gel product---- one way to avoid landing in the hospital would be to only make yourself small servings. too much of anything can be bad (even if it's too much of something that tastes really good). if that doesn't work, try drinking some shoe polish beforehand to coat and protect your stomach. as for ruining the lives of the hospital staff and other patients, try offering them chocolate truffles dipped in nitro glycerine. if their writhing and imploding doesn't do it for you, nothing will! paste!---- you've got: - an overnight-mail giant box full of kind bud - 327 insured mail parcels - a wooden statue of a tree - a sweaty hat - pop rocks (an entire truck full) - 78 bottle rockets - a large hawaiian pizza you can make: BS'S EXPLOSIVE HAWAIIAN POT PIZZA how to make it: line the pizza with bud, pop rocks and bottle rockets. set the pizza on fire and let your mailman eat it while fireworks explode and the fumes get him high. then smash him over the head with the wooden tree statue, throw the mail parcels at him as he attempts to flee, set his sweaty hat on fire and use it as a frisbee...and just have fun tormenting the pour guy. be sure to save some of the bud for yourself (although I need not remind you to do this). pyriel---- you've got: - a set of deer antlers - a vacuum bag full of dust - some mummified rats - five deformed foetuses in jars - a termite mound (with live termitews still in it) - some well-aged and equally mummified cockroaches - a quart can of black pitch sealant you can make: BS’S DUSTY RATFOETUSCOCK STEW how to make it: hack the deer antlers into bite-sized pieces with a hammer, or anything hard enough to do the job. then dump the antlers, dust, mummified rats, deformed foetuses, termite mound, mummified cockroaches and black pitch sealant all into a large pot. if you have some baking soda and some leftover cockroaches, you could make some sockroda poppers, but I recommend throwing most of them in the stew. cook and stir the contents of the pot until the rats/foetuses/mound/cockroaches are tender and the rest begins to achieve a stew-like consistency. make sure everything has been cooked thoroughly. then pour into a bowl and enjoy. 010622 ... black-dyed gel product this is by far the sickest page on blather. I love it! BS,you are the McGuyver of cooking. What can I do with a camel's uterus, three eggs, a bottle of whiskey, the cast of 90210 (don't ask how I lured them to my home, it involved a lot of fake movie deals and blackmailing), and my neighbor's left turn signal? 010622 ... baby satan good stuff! you've got: - a camel's uterus - three eggs - a bottle of whiskey - the cast of 90210 - your neighbor's left turn signal you can make: BS'S NUMERICAL UTERUS JAMBALAYA how to make it: pre-cook the cast of 90210. you'll probably want to dice them or something, since whole bodies aren't oven-friendly. luke perry will require a lot of attention, as he is especially prone to burning. the others, especially shannon doherty, should give you no trouble. once the cast has been suitably cooked, cook them some more. blacken them! cajun style! pour the whiskey on them. break the eggs and throw them in, along with the uterus. tie the left turn signal to your head so any dinner guests will be thrown off. he's turning left! wait! he isn't turning left! he's going right! wait! which way is he going? with all of the cast members, you can make a hell of a lot of servings, so this dish is ideal for large groups of people. and it's sure to be a hit! if you're feeling really evil, you can play the theme music for the show while you serve the cast! 010622 ... black-dyed gel product BS, I accept your robots challenge. Here's a robotic prosthesis and a rooster. How do you make popcorn with them? 010622 ... paste! ok bs, it's dinner time again! i'll cut to the chase 'cause my tummy is a'rumblin'! observe: a shotgun, grapes, Richard Simmons' left ass cheek, a handful of fresh adrenochrome glands, burrito-size tortillas and the planet Saturn. not sure how to use the planet, but then again, i'm no baby satan! 010623 ... baby satan black-dyed gel product---- it's pretty simple. in order for this to work, the rooster has to have corns somewhere on its body. you remove the corns and use the circuit in the prosthesis to pop the corns! get it? popped corns? popcorn! it's a bit of an acquired taste, like coffee and asphalt. paste!---- you've got: - a shotgun - grapes - richard simmons' left ass cheek - a handful of fresh adrenochrome glands - burrito-size tortillas - the planet saturn you can make: BS'S ADRENALIZED ASS TORTILLAS how to make it: dice richard simmons' left ass cheek and the adrenochrome glands and cook them up. throw them into the tortillas along with any rotten vegetables or dead mice that might be lying around. after you've eaten the tortillas, load the shotgun with grapes and shoot them at the planet saturn. like the hawiian pot pizza, this is an interactive meal. and this one allows you to get some target practice in as well! 010623 ... paste! that was incredible! so good that i gave an order to my henchman to recover Richard Simmons' right ass cheek. what i'm talking about here is seconds. seconds of a fantabulous meal. there were no leftovers and there never have been. what the hell am i rambling about? brainfart delirium. mental lapse the size of detroit. paste! is mighty tired. i think the aftereffects of being severely adrenalized are beginning to show. but O what a jolly pleasure of the palate, chap! 010624 ... paste! well bs, what i need now is less of a snack and more of an injection. i haven't slept in four days and i just ate two whole turkeys and now the tryptophan is making me sleepy. i need something with pep, sumpin' sparky, a booster per se. here's what i have for an injection or other: coffee, gunpowder, VHS recordings of every Road Runner cartoon, a bottle of cheetah farts, a pinky fingernail of unknown white powder and HAL 9000. what should i do before i fall asleep? again, this isn't a snack request, but more of an interactive experiment request. *yawn* save the blizzards...zzzz! 010624 ... baby satan you've got what you've got. you'll do what you'll do. overflowing rivulets! rivulets, i say! turn to the left! hump the tape! swallow your own spit! salivating bear dandruff! i say! another one for the road? get out the needle-nose dandelions. sleep well. 010624 ... black-dyed gel product BS, what can I make with a donkey, 7 bic pens, lighter fluid, a mannequin, endangered bald eagle eggs, and a GI Joe with kung fu grip? I know most of these items aren't particularly "edible," but I ran out of chives and soy sauce. 010625 ... baby satan who needs chives and soy sauce anyway? "not i," says black-dyed gel product, because bs is here to help him eat what should never be eaten! you've got: - a donkey - 7 bic pens - lighter fluid - a mannequin - endangered bald eagle eggs - a gi joe with kung fu grip you can make: BS'S EGGYDONKAMANFU WRAP how to make it: hack the mannequin's plastic body apart until you have a layer of plastic thin enough to work with. place pieces of the donkey inside, along with the pens, lighter fluid and gi joe action figure. break the eggs and eat one of them, but not before calling up some wildlife organization and tormenting them by saying: "i'm going to eat endangered bald eagle eggs! hahahahaha! hahahahaha!" then you can drop the two remaining eggs into the wrap. throw the whole thing in the oven at 350 degrees until the plastic gets melty. this is where the gi joe action figure's kung fu grip comes in handy; if your donkey is still alive, the gi joe action figure will pulverize it with an assortment of controversial grips. when your wrap is ready, i recommend wearing some sort of protective gloves to avoid melting hands, but feel free to experiment. 010625 ... Casey um...do you know how to make chocolate chip cookies? 010625 ... Persona I've got the late night munchies, Baby Stan, and I need something quick and easy....all I've got is my pet ferret, dry yeast, super glue, and my own left breast. Any hints? 010625 ... nocturnal um, I've got a question. who the hell is baby stan? 010625 ... baby satan Casey---- yes. you'll need: - penis juice - applesauce how to make it: you take the penis juice and mix it with the applesauce. then you have chocolate chip cookies. Persona---- you've got: - a pet ferret - dry yeast - super glue - your own left breast you can make: BS'S STICKY FERROOBY THING how to make it: make a paste by mixing the super glue and dry yeast together. when it becomes fairly sticky, slather it all over your pet ferret. your left breast should not be eaten; use it to turn the pages of a book you will surely want to read following this meal. failing that, your left breast will take on all of the duties normally performed by your hands (which will be quite sticky). the sticky ferrooby thing can be eaten raw or cooked, depending on whether you prefer hot stickiness or room temperature stickiness. nocturnal---- baby stan was a glitch of the typing persuasion, but i may be able to salvage him. ::: eats baby stan ::: that worked out pretty well. 010625 ... Persona you ate Baby Stan just like that? I would have figured you'd at least make him slightly more tempting with potting soil and motor oil perhaps? 010625 ... baby satan some things are better raw and naked, my dear Persona. sometimes you gotta grab that Baby Stan by the ear and take a bite out of his lobe. 010625 ... black-dyed gel product baby satan, I just finished eating my Eggydonkamanfu Wrap. Greenpeace has put me on their animal hatecrime blacklist because of the eagle egg thing, but otherwise the meal was delicious. So much donkey goodness! Recently, the number one button came off my keyboard, and I started thinking: if plastic were edible the ethiopians wouldn't be starving. Keeping that in mind, what can I make with the one button from my keyboard, an ethiopian kid's starved skeleton, half of a rockem sockem robot, a teenage mutant ninja turtle pizza thrower, and the left pinky of the middle kid from full house? 010625 ... baby satan yar! a snack for many! you've got: - the number one button from your computer keyboard - an ethiopian kid's starved skeleton - half of a rockem sockem robot - a teenage mutant ninja turtle pizza thrower - the left pinky finger of the middle kid from full house you can make: BS'S CHILLED ETHPINKERSFARK TRAY how to make it: first you'll want to refrigerate everything overnight. the next day, set up a snack tray as follows-- smash the ethiopian kid's brittle skeleton into pieces the size of carrot sticks. do the same to your rockem sockem robot, using a colgate toothbrush as the model for the shape of its pieces. use the teenage mutant ninja turtles pizza thrower as a tray which will double as a trebuchet when the time is right. finally, place the middle kid from full house's left pinky finger and the number one key from your keyboard in the center of the food, arranging everything in a linear yet visually pleasing manner. serve and splatter. 010625 ... paste! it's summertime and everyone's out lookin' for ways to beat the heat, including paste! after mugging all of the sunbathing beachcombers in my recent trip to the shores of montana, i came up with some fine items. here's a sample: 14 ice cubes shaped like et's head, a watermelon, fuel additive, a wandering child, sheets of bounce fabric softener, motorcycle chaps, and a fifth of stoli raspberry vodka. i also acquired a gold tooth and some purified sand from the pirate-turned-yuppie who was too good to set his towel on regular sand. don't worry, he got a healthy dose of aluminum bat. zoinks! 010625 ... baby satan my apologies, paste!; you'll have to give me some time with this one. i'm in the process of freezing ice cubes, and i've only got five and a half so far. i shan't be raped again. i shan't! 010625 ... your friend jesus that's what you think 010625 ... baby satan after being raped repeatedly by jesus, i've been left with one hell of a sore ass. fortunately, i did manage to freeze the rest of the ice cubes. here's what i came up with. you've got: - 14 ice cubes shaped like et's head - a watermelon - fuel additive - a wandering child - sheets of bounce fabric softener - motorcycle chaps - a fifth of stoli raspberry vodka - a gold tooth - purified sand you can make: BS'S BLOODY MYSTERY PULP how to make it: mix the purified sand, raspberry vodka, fuel additive, watermelon and sheets of bounce together until you have something resembling a lumpy broth. throw the wandering child in there whole, along with the gold tooth and all of the ice cubes. stir violently with sharp knives until your pulp is nice and bloody. then you can pour some in a bowl and use the motorcycle chaps as makeshift spoonsticks. refreshing. TIP: watch out for pieces of bone floating around in the pulp. you did throw the wandering child in there untouched, remember. i recommend using a fish finder to target bone slivers, allowing you to scoop them out with your spoonsticks. you can them use the slivers of bone to sharpen a nostril or itch an irritating retina. 010626 ... baby satan "them" should have been "then". but i've been raped. fuck. 010626 ... black-dyed gel product Hey BS, my air conditioner's busted. Do you have any recipes to help beat the heat? Feel free to use the air conditioner. 010627 ... paste! g'day bs, the plaster is falling out of my head and into my aquarium. this creates an oozing fish blob surprise that i want to throw on some rice. it sounds pretty tasty and i think i'll go along and chow on that for the rest of the night. however, tomorrow i need to really feast. i need to empty out my freezer for overnight thaw and make a large ass meal tomorrow. here's what's in the delicious icebox o' devious paste!: rolling papers, frozen heads (of lettuce, several girl scouts, jfk, 2 yaks, 2 emu), oj concentrate, bottle of tequila, spam, a flux capacitor, waffles, and a tattoo gun. and of course, ice cubes. samurai seamus de la horizon says hi. 010629 ... baby satan black-dyed gel product---- here's a little something that'll keep you nice and cool. BS'S GASTRIFIC TENSOR STRIPS you'll need: - a length of tensor bandage - gasoline how to make it: simply soak the tensor bandage in the gasoline overnight. refrigerate and consume. chewy, cool and mind-numbing! for a more portable version of this snack, feel free to use band-aids in place of the tensor bandage. you get the same taste, but with an added stickiness and in bite-size portions. paste!---- a suitable recipe is on the way. 010630 ... baby satan okay paste!. i got something. not that it'll be of any use to you now, but i'll post it anyway for when you return. you've got: - rolling papers - frozen heads (of lettuce, several girl scouts, jfk, 2 yaks, 2 emu) - oj concentrate - a bottle of tequila - spam - a flux capacitor - waffles - a tattoo gun - ice cubes you can make: BS'S IMPOTENT MINI-FEAST FROM HELL how to make it: first, soak the rolling papers in the oj and roll a spam joint. toke on that sucker. isn't that tasty? after you've polluted yourself sufficiently, mix more of the oj with some tequila to get a drink pitched somewhere between a screwdriver and a urine sample. drop a few ice cubes in there for good measure. cook the frozen heads and remaining spam. toast the waffles. cut the cooked results and mix together until it looks something like diseased hamburger helper. use your flux capacitor to ensure that the heads and waffles have been cooked thoroughly. after eating, drinking and smoking some more, give yourself a tattoo or two. 010701 ... black-dyed gel product hey bs, i really hate children, and I was thinking wouldn't it be great to do something terrible like create a dish made out of children to feed to children. Sort of like when someone feeds a hamburger to a cow. Obviously, the child-dish would have to be disguised as something children like to eat for this to work. I have three children to use for this experimental dish. Any suggestions? 010703 ... baby satan i'll be working on this one. i've got a few ideas on the drawing board: BS'S KIDDY INTESTINE SURPRISE (disguised as chilli) BS'S FLESHY FAJITAS BS'S MYSTERIOUS KIDDY BITS (made into a yummy marshmallow salad) we'll see how these ideas work out. i'm off to the kitchen. 010703 ... black-dyed gel product hehehe excellent ~~~cackles evilly~~~ 010703 ... lali dear baby satan: lately i've been producing a hole lot of extra mucus and i just don't know what to do with it. i want to do something useful and tasty with it. any tips? 010706 ... sophia dear baby satan: lately i've been producing a whole lot of extra mucus and i don't know what to with it? any recomendations? 010706 ... lali what are you trying to do, bitch? 010706 ... sophia i want to be just like you. 010706 ... baby satan sorry about the wait. i got busy with the liquor for a while, and you can guess what kind of shit started happening. nevermind those knickers hanging on the stove burner... black-dyed gel product---- after much experimentation, i've found that the best dish to make with children is a yummy marshmallow salad i like to call... BS'S GOOEY KIDDYMALLOW STUFF you've got: - 3 children you'll need: - any old bag of marshmallows - coffee beans - asparagus - ground hash how to make it: preheat the oven to 350 degrees. gut the children, putting aside any flesh and desired organs and disposing of the rest. clean and slice the asparagus. mix the kiddy bits and chopped asparagus with the coffee beans, marshmallows and ground hash. stir until mixture resembles colonel sanders suffering a heat stroke. then throw it all in the oven for approximately half an hour. when it all starts to get melty and gross-looking, it's been cooked enough. scrape the goo onto a plate and enjoy. lali & sophia---- i'm going to stray from my regular territory (demonic cooking) and branch out into something sexual here. since the two of you seem rather smitten with one another, you can use your mucus as a lubricant during masturbation and any subsequent sexy activities (such as intercourse, playing blackjack or vacuuming around the house). if that doesn't satisfy you, try using your mucus to remove annoying rust stains around the bathtub drain or elsewhere. the natural toxins produced in your mucus have a way of eating away at all things rusty and ancient. keep it away from pets or small children as it may cause severe brain damage if ingested. 010706 ... black-dyed gel product thanks bs, now i finally have a delicious way of disposing of america's most annoying and useless resource: children. You should go on that Emeril Live show and cook that guy. Keep up the good, err evil, work! 010706 ... emeril hiya, baby satan! i just wanted to tell you that i think your cooking tips are great! i want you to come to work for me so i can exploit your talents and molest you when the day is done! whaddaya say? 010706 ... emerils delmonico don't burn me down... 010706 ... baby satan ::: hurls emeril into a volcanic explosion of BAM!'s and cries of "LET'S KICK IT UP A NOTCH!" ::: 010706 ... emeril BAM! i'm hurting now. please don't hurt my restaurant. it must carry on after i... ::: he explodes again and expires ::: 010706 ... baby satan fuck your shithole eatery! gaaaaaa! ::: engulfs emeril's delmonico in a sea of fire as red as herpes personified as jude law's step-uncle ::: you go bye-bye. 010706 ... emerils delmonico ::: goes bye-bye ::: 010706 ... baby satan ::: wiping the demonic sweat from his brow ::: that takes care of that. ::: picks a piece of emeril's charred scalp from the ground and eats it ::: 010707 ... baby satan here's an on-location snack. it really only applies to me, and anyone else lucky enough to be standing in the flames that presently engulf emeril and his beloved delmonico. still, i had to throw this tantalising treat out there for the rest of you. BS'S CHARRED EMERIL SCALP you'll need: - a piece of emeril's freshly-charred scalp all you really have to do is pick a piece off of the ground and eat it. yum. tastes a bit like a cross between a nike running shoe and an alligator purse. if you don't have any charred emeril scalp on hand, visit any of his other surviving restaurants. there you can eat basically the same thing, only given fancy names and disguised as actual meals. enjoy! 010707 ... firehunden may I interject a little recipe that i came across during my travels around the world? "Flaming POSTROTSMEGMANADS in aged PEEPRECUM sauce" much like any dish the meal is made by the preparation. this dish can be difficult due to the time and the ingredient requirements. however, substitutions and alterations to the recipe are encouraged. ingredients: 3oz. drain pipe sludge (commercial is preferred) 12oz. virgin precum from a canadian girl scout with red hair(younger the better) 6-8 african elephant balls from a central african territory. these must be from the same herd and only from fully developed elephants. 2oz. of smegma scrapings. (this is the hardest part, so pay attention. you have to find an old couple who live in the death valley area, they need to be brother and sister, and they need to be married. they need to collect thier smegma scrapings for you immediately after they have sex. this can take weeks of fornication so be patient). 8oz. of my dogs (Barnaby) urine. I sell this locally anyways so it won't be a problem to collect. preparation: let the balls soak in the pee, unshaven, and in the sun for about 4 weeks. ensure that the balls are kept damp with the urine. once the balls are nice and smelly and if all goes well they are infested with maggots (difficult..because of the salt in the urine), coat them with whipped smegma paste scrapings. lay the rotten balls in the dry flaked drain sludge and heat to just above room temperature by setting on fire(gasoline works well for flavoring). serve the balls on a newspaper and pour the chilled precum over the top to put out the flames before eating. i promise you colors that have never been seen in your lifetime, and will never be seen again. warning!: ensure disgestion by serving a common drain blockage removing chemical as a chaser. thank you for the wonderful delights that you have subbmitted above. i now enjoy a fuller life because of your cooking stylings. 010707 ... pinkish ew. grody 010707 ... yummyC yo, baby satan... Tonight i'm going to have a few guests over. they are penguins. I don't want to give them anything particularly predictable (fish), and besides that, I haven't much to work with. I'm too lazy to go to the store. but I do have stufff lying around the house i could use, maybe? just everyday ordinary items. i picked through the stuff and i was wondering what i could make for penguins (that would leave a good impression, we had some disagreements in the past, but this is sort of an apology dinner) with... ~a bottle of abercrombie and fitch cologne ~a mandy moore barbie possessed by kurt cobain ~sludge I scraped from a toilet in mexico (saved as a souvineer) ~chalk dust ~black-dyed gel product's third nipple ~3 pennies ~a cosmonaut's left pinky toe love, yummy 010709 ... black-dyed gel product I was wondering where that nipple went... 010710 ... baby satan thanks for the recipe, firehunden. i tried it out on my pet leaf, and it wilted quite nicely. you've done well. yummychuckle---- i'm not sure if you're still alive but, if you are, here's what i came up with. you've got: - a bottle of abercrombie and fitch cologne - a mandy moore barbie possessed by kurt cobain - sludge scraped from a toilet in mexico - chalk dust - black-dyed gel product's third nipple - 3 pennies - a cosmonaut's left pinky toe you can make those penguins: BS'S DUSTY NIPPLE DOLL how to make it: smother the possessed barbie doll in the cologne, sludge and chalk dust. let it sit on your counter for a good three days, or until it starts to stink and attract flies. place the cosmonaut's left pinky toe in the mouth of the barbie doll, even if you have to wipe away some of the surrounding gunk. throw the pennies over your left shoulder, one at a time, chanting: "my nose is on backwards" with each toss. you can then place blacky's third nipple on the centre of the barbie doll's forehead, hence giving it a sort of third eye. it should stick rather nicely. throw the whole thing in the microwave for ten minutes and enjoy. 010710 ... kingsuperspecial baby satan baby! every time I clean the cat box, I feel there must be some use for those crumb coated clumps of kitty poo. I also have some moldy beets, and a very dusty bottle of Dekuyper's Root Beer Schnapps, some used tissues, some stale "Peeps" left over from Easter, and about 127 back issues of "Mt.Bike Action". Could I make a snack out of these things? thanks, beautiful! 010714 ... yummychuckle hey bs! thanks! I am still letting the barbie sit, but its looking so appetizing! And man I cannot wait til I get to place black-dyeds third nipple on the forehead. mmm mmm mmm... I'll save some leftovers for you and bring them down the next time I go to hell. ciao! 010714 ... paste! after being on the road, nothing, and i mean nothing, beats a pleasant homecooked meal courtesy of baby satan's suggestions. i came across some interesting, and possibly irresistable, possible palate pleasurers. allow me to empty my suitcase...hmmm...okay...nice!...whaddafuck?...wow!...weird...zoinks!...yes...no...mookah...so that's where that was...ahh. here's what i came up with: a pair of dice, graphite_salsa, 2 ox bladders, nitroglycerin, a crusty baguette, a Soviet tank, and a gallon of bright red semi-gloss latex housepaint. i also have (stole) several rare Picassos. as they say in Tangiers: "no rest for the wicker baskets." so there you go bs, make my stomach happy. 010717 ... baby satan kingsuperspecial---- it's time to put your shit to use. here's a treat that'll leave your thyroid french kissing your small intestine. you've got: - crumb-coated clumps of kitty poo - moldy beets - a very dusty bottle of dekuyper's root beer schnapps - used tissues - stale "peeps" left over from easter, - about 127 back issues of "mt. bike action" you can make: BS'S STALE & MOLDY BEET TISSUE SHIT-THINGS how to make it: lie the used tissues out flat, placing on top the crumb-coated bits of cat shit, moldy beets and stale "peeps". roll into something resembling a menopausal fajita. beat each wrapped tissue as hard as you can with the bottle of root beer schnapps, until appropriately flattened. organize the back issues of "mt. bike action" into a pile low enough for you to mount, but high enough to prevent you from safely getting down. the kitchen counter may come in handy here. climb atop the heap of magazines and enjoy your shit-things. yummychuckle---- your kindness is much appreciated. be sure to enter through the side entrance when you next visit hell. i've got a surprise for you. paste!---- it's been too long since you last presented me with a culinary challenge, my hungry friend! welcome back! you've got: - a pair of dice - graphite_salsa - 2 ox bladders - nitro-glycerine - a crusty baguette - a soviet tank - a gallon of bright red semi-gloss latex housepaint - several rare stolen picassos you can make: BS'S GLOSSY BLADDER DISASTER how to make it: soak the oz bladders overnight in a nitro-glycerine/graphite_salsa mixture. the next day, cut them open and throw in the crusty baguette, dice and latex housepaint. hack the stolen picasso works to bits with a screwdriver or lint brush, throwing those in as well. once you've finished, sew the bladders up with needle and thread. carry them into your tank and enjoy your meal while watching stupid punk kids break their toes trying to dent the tank with their infantile kicks. TIP: you may want to save some of the picasso pieces and decorate the tank with them. it might be just the look you need to intimidate your foes and attract homosexual tree frogs. 010720 ... titi hi baby satan i need yourhelp. my boyfriend's semen tastes rather disgusting, yet he insists om me swallowing. what can i do to enhance my culinary experience and him enjoying the blow job? 010721 ... baby satan there are a few ways you can remedy this problem, titi. here are two that will probably give you the most success: 1) freeze your tongue, either by injecting it with some mild sedative or inserting it into the exhaust pipes of several vehicles. as vanderfookin liked to say: "semen-induced regurgitation or related discomfort can be avoided by eliminating the sense of taste. if one first attacks the tongue, one can then examine other, less sexually frightening specifics." 2) have your boyfriend inject some sort of shitty taste-killing serum into his testicles. you can experiment with this, injecting such things as pear juice and pepsi, or any combination of such beverages/liquid solutions, for an endless variety of semen-tasting possibilities. as for enhancing his pleasure, try doing jumping jacks or playing badminton while performing oral sex. exercising the whole body always strengthens the mouth's bond with that snake-like door knob of funk. 010721 ... kingsuperspecial hi baby satan. I'm cleaning out my desk, and wanted to know if I should save the random food items I've found in the process. I have bag of dried apples chunks, a Safeway-brand chocolate mocha breakfast bar, a secret stashed bottle of Wild Turkey, 1/2 box of Frosted Mini Wheats, a bag of gummy worms, 5 bottles of white out (my backspace key stopped working ), some packets of Taco Bell Hot Sauce, a stale fortune_cookie , a tupperware with some leftover BLOODY MYSTERY PULP and dented can of Schwepp's Ginger Ale. thanks ! 010724 ... baby satan jesus christ! i haven't seen that many ingredients since roberta and i were baking cookies for paraplegic hamsters! unfortunately, my kitchen is currently undergoing some major renovations. some angry mutant warthog left puncture marks in everything and ate most of my shit. :::sobbing like a baby demon::: that's rather appropriate. i'll get back to you, though, once the renovations are complete and the muse re-established. 010808 ... baby satan what the hell. i'll give it a shot, horribly destroyed kitchen and all. you've got: - a bag of dried apple chunks - a safeway-brand chocolate mocha breakfast bar - a secret stashed bottle of wild turkey - 1/2 a box of frosted mini wheats - a bag of gummy worms - 5 bottles of white out - some packets of taco bell hot sauce - a stale fortune_cookie - a tupperware container with some leftover BLOODY MYSTERY PULP - a dented can of schwepp's ginger ale you can make: BS'S CHUNKY MOCHA GUMMYSICLE, complete with a suitable alcoholic beverage-- THE HOT GINGERTURKEY how to make it: pour the remaining frosted mini wheats into a serving bowl, mixing in the dried apple chunks, gummy worms, fortune_cookie, white out and the leftover BLOODY MYSTERY PULP. stir and let sit. while you're letting that settle, mix yourself a drink with equal parts ginger ale, wild turkey and taco bell hot sauce. guaranteed to blow your libido right through your chin. you can drink it now, later, or drink it now and mix some more at your leisure. throw the chocolate mocha breakfast bar in the microwave until suitably melted. then throw it in with the rest of what's in the serving bowl. throw the whole thing in the freezer, and let sit until the following day. by then, you will be terribly hung over and ready for the tasty and soothing frozen CHUNKY MOCHA GUMMYSICLE. TIP: in order to prevent the GUMMYSICLE bits from sticking to the bottom of the serving bowl, you might want to rub the bowl down with olive oil or raw sewage prior to filling it with your ingredients. for eating purposes, you can either take bites out of the whole frozen entity or hack it into bite-size pieces with a defective exact-o knife. 010809 ... baby satan :::singing::: it's been a long time now i'm raping a scone that was to be sung to the tune of "wait" by the beatles, if you weren't sure. i decided to take some time out from the demonic orgies i've been holding in the reconstructed kitchen to give you all a treat you can enjoy in the colder weather. here's something that'll grow hair where you don't want it and kill it where you need it. BS'S HOT CHOMATOFISH you'll need: -water -hot chocolate mixture (any kind will suffice) -a tomato -a goldfish how to make it: it's pretty simple. first, boil the water. when it starts to bubble, whistle and shoot all over the place, it's probably finished boiling. pour some into a mug, or a dixie cup. throw in the hot chocolate powder. cut open a tomato and squeeze in as much of the contents as possible. you can use Baby Satan's Goat Liquefier to turn the goldfish into an orange goo, and then throw it an as well. the resulting warm beverage is guaranteed to kill the shivers and replace them with disgusted convulsions. TIP: if your stomach isn't the strongest, throw in some shredded paper; it'll absorb some of the chunkier bits and make for a more digestively accessible drink. otherwise, enjoy! 011110 ... baby satan "an" should be "in". fucking typos. 011110 ... god i can't stop drooling 011216 ... celestias shadow mmmmmmm, foooood. hey, baby satan, if I start a restaurant, will you come and be my chef? Pleeeeeeezee? There are many free dead babies as part of payment. 031130 ... jane would you like to come over & make me a candlelit dinner? i can offer a promising reward.. 050814 ... surprise Gee, can we guess what it is? 050814 ... baby satan that's a pretty tantalizing offer, jane. i may have to come out of retirement to whip you up something extra special. i can picture it now. the sound of jazz wafting through the air like burning cheese...the eager scent of demonic flesh...a broken casio watch attempting to ingest itself and failing miserably... shit. i've been in hell too long. 050814 ... IGG ooooo me too. i must say the recipes on this page are very inspiring. i shall post again soon with a list of ingredients, should you wish to take time out of your hellish schedule? 051028 ... Choirboy hey BS, my priest keeps wanting me to sit in his lap and since i'm sure he's just a friendly person who has only my best interests at heart, i'd like to bring him some cookies. Do you have any good cookie recipies? Sincerely, . 051028 ... - - 091204 ... baby satan this sure takes me back...back to a simpler time, before i collapsed beneath the weight of my own ambition to make the ultimate sponge cake with marla sokoloff as one of the main ingredients. back when paste! and kingsuperspecial and black-dyed gel product inspired me to heights of culinary excellence/disaster i never dared dream i could reach. back when jesus did something nasty to me behind the deep-fryer. it's enough to bring a tear to the eye. :: sings :: those were the days, my friend... we thought they'd never end... 091204 ... Gilles de Raisin-Bran Greetings, ladles and genitals... your new host here in the infernal kitchen Gilles de Raisin-bran. Want your next party to be as unexpected as the Spanish Inquisition (or that sudden bout of explosive diarrhea you got from those sketchy devilled eggs?) If you do, I'm your guy because the only person who can come up with stranger and more unforgettably atrocious nibblin's to perturb your palate would be Sandra Lee and her Kwanzaa Cake (mmm-mmm-mmm, don't forget the corn_nuts ) so let's get to it, boppers? who's ready to experience near-orgasmic nausea? 110131 ... The Spork so, you're the new host, eh? alrighty, I've got an office party to deal with next week and i'm in charge of the whores_d'oeuvre and since i just got hosed on my oldest kid's tuition, my budget is kinda tight for the next few months, so here's what's laying around Chateau du Spork: * a jar containing about 1 gross of chupacabra foreskins * the fan-belt from a 1952 Studebaker * a jumbo bag of Pretzel m&m's * 4 marine batteries * a lampshade * a cottonwood stump and a pair of weatherbeaten truck_nuts can you help? 110201 ... Gilles de Raisin-Bran OK, Spork, this one's gonna be tricky, because you're gonna need a 55-gallon drum of goat-urine to leach the brimstone and diesel fuel out of them foreskins. Normally, i'd say leave them as is, but unless you want a room full of hallucinating and incontinent co-workers, the brimstone and diesel fuel don't mix well with the pretzel m&m's stay tuned 110202 ... baby satan marine batteries?! foreskin?! i'm really trying hard not to drool here. 110202 ... Gilles de Raisin-Bran teste and ovary-bearing life-forms...it's our proprietor and senior chef BABY SATAN!!! give it up like you did on prom night (or like you wanted to on prom night) OK, so you've got: * a jar containing about 1 gross of chupacabra foreskins * the fan-belt from a 1952 Studebaker * a jumbo bag of Pretzel m&m's * 4 marine batteries * a lampshade * a cottonwood stump and a pair of weatherbeaten truck_nuts You've got GDR's CHEWY ELECTRO-CHOCO-SWAMP STUMPNUT BOOGIE SURPRISE After letting the chupacabra foreskins leach in the goat urine for 48 hours, rinse them in beer and then scoop out the insides of those marine batteries into a large concrete mixing bowl. throw in the M&M's and the trucknuts, mixing them until they are a thick but violently reactive paste and then run the cottonwood stump on a coarse grind through your nearest mulcher, set the stumpy bits aside as we want them to stay reasonably crunchy and splintery (Ideally, your lampshade should be made of human skin, but if not, no problem, if it's paper, then we've got that much more fiber to help things along later and if it's plastic we've got that much more crunchy mouthfeel and, for added enjoyment, that much more rectal bleeding) Cut the lampshade into as many 1.5"x3" strips and arrange on a cookie sheet Next, cut the fan belt from the Studebaker into as many pieces as you have lampshade strips drizzle some balsamic vinegar if you have any handy and wrap the fan-belt bits in the lampshade strips take the wrapped belt/shade treats and roll them in the paste you made of the marine battery innards, the M& M's and the truck_nuts, then roll that in the coarse-ground residue of the cottonwood stump. from here, take these and stuff them into the chupacabra foreskins and give them a light going-over with a blowtorch set on medium Enjoy, but remember, if you left the skins in their natural state, some of your guests may literally shit themselves into a new dimension, i've been there and it makes Juarez look like the fucking Champs-Elysees 110202 ... buck futter yer muther's a hoor, trebek 110202 ... Gilles de Raisin-Bran they say too many cooks spoil the soup, but I say "not if you use a big enough kettle and butcher them the right way" 110211 ... Gilles de Raisin Bran coprolites...fossilized prehistoric turds, find a few just the right size, polish 'em up, and make them look like easter eggs...then watch the mayhem ensue 110211 ... baby satan with the end of the world supposedly mere inches away, i feel it's only right to offer my support. it's been a tough time in hell these past handful of years. i've doubted myself in ways a baby demon never should. it's been ages since i've so much as made a salad. part of the blame rests with justin bieber, and my failed attempts at making him into a sinful burrito. but in the end, i've no one but myself to blame for my long-running crisis of confidence. i think it's time to dust off my knives and get the old kitchen up and running again. besides, not many pleasant people come to visit in hell. it's much nicer here in the blue. so what have you got sitting around in your kitchen or glove compartment that you're not sure what to do with? what's taking up too much space in your refrigerator? trust in me, old friends, and i shall give you recipes for the end of the world. no one should have to face the apocalypse on an empty stomach. 121217 ... baby satan ::: scratches chin with a salad fork ::: it just ain't the same without the old crazies around, is it? no kingsuperspecial, no paste!, no black-dyed_gel_product, no god, no flarchallo...not even a little flarch_squidlery. maybe tonya's hiding around here somewhere? mew? ::: checks in the slow cooker just to be sure ::: nope. nothin'. even the cockroaches have cleared out of the place. this is what happens when you--- ::: trips over something and falls to the floor ::: fuck_a_duck ! what the...hey... ::: notices that the tripping hazard is a stack of vinyl records, now haphazardly sprawled out across the floor ::: there's a note here. "dear b.s. --- thanks for the use of your kitchen. it was fun wreaking havoc for a while, but i'm packing it in. getting fresh produce just isn't as easy as it used to be since old man foreskin o'flannery closed up shop. if you return at some point, apologies for the mess. please enjoy these records i picked up at a meth lab estate sale. yours, gilles." well, that was nice of him. vinyl, even. might as well play something before i go. let's see. ::: sifts through the records ::: hmm. no. no. not quite right. close. closer. ha! that's the one! ::: blows a giant mound of dust off the old turntable disguised as a deep fryer, fires up the hi-fi, presses stylus to record, and starts playing "brilliant corners" by thelonious monk ::: perfect. ::: nods head, closes eyes, and grins ::: 121218 what's it to you? who go blather from