luke sherrila i'm wanting to: type to/talk with you, meow..but you're not here, so i'll type to myself where you can still see it. hee. i'm thinking of wounds. how they heal from the bottom and the top, always leaving the soft middle largely unhealed. or raw longer. and because we don't see it, we don't realize- we're not mindful to be gentle of it. we just go-go- go. and we don't remember what branch caused which scar, only that we got it climbing trees, or kissing. and it doesn't stop there. i have a HOLE through me, in his name. and no matter how hard i try to unknow that, it's true, and i do. and he stops being him, and we stop being us and i just go. and go and go and go, and my soft middle! and i remember how to remember and not how to forget, and i am all kisses and ghosts. they're just words. worrrrrrrrrds. words whir. i like that (and you). 010308 ... Annie111 was so dumb in star wars. i'm sorry, but han was the mack. 011127 ... ClairE warm. Makes me think of yellow hair. and kindness. sullen anger? good name i guess. although luke from the Bible was def. brown-haired 011127 ... Bizzar An amazing person. One of the most talented musicians Ive ever met. He holds many of my secrets, and I his. One of my best friends. ...I hope he realizes how much I treasure his friendship 030216 ... .:. reminds me of paris and rain. 030326 ... brin hes always lonely 030326 ... PoleCat the boy was gregariously funny.. total wit & spit. i wish i had the balls to quip the shit that came outta his mouth.. maybe that's why i lost the man i .oved so much to him.. bollocks. 050429 ... marjorie it's a trap! IT'S A TRAP! 060414 ... does it ease the pain? to do list: - someone named 'Luke' [check] massive shoulders and soft moustache funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun 101024 ... karyn When I saw you standing in the doorway of the guitar shop, I honestly couldn't think of a single thing to say. I got slightly nervous for the first time in ...well, since James. That's a big thing. But I don't want it to seem like it's a big thing in the same way that desperation and crazy intensity are, but rather in a way that speaks to what kind of person you are. I really don't know that much about you. I've only met you twice on the same day. But I seem to recognize certain types of people. Types of people who usually come to matter a great deal to me. I wish I knew why you never called me, but I don't suppose that matters anymore. So here's perhaps a letter to you. I wanted to tell you all of these things later, much later. But if there isn't to be a later, then an anonymous note to the world will have to do. When I got home from our lunch/coffee, I felt a smile on my face that I haven't felt in a very long time. It's not for lack of meeting people or lack of dating, though, as I said, it has been almost 4 years since I have. On every date I've had in the last few years, there has been something telling me that it isn't quite right. I'm no expert people reader or anything like that, but I've learned to trust my instincts about people. Usually feeling nervous around someone means that I won't be able to properly talk or share or be myself. It usually means that I'm intimidated or that I really like someone. And that usually equates to me not being able to be myself. It usually ends with me clamming up and feeling like I'm watching every thing I say. I pretend because I am insecure when I feel that kind of nervousness. I felt that kind of nervous excitement, but alongside it was another feeling: that feeling you get when you've met with someone who matches you, in some small or big way. That feeling you get when you find something of yourself reflected back at your from inside another human being. It was a small feeling, but it was there. And I don't want you to take this as a sign that I've fallen completely and deeply in love with you. It's not like that at all. I can't say what it is like, but I know I don't know you enough to even think of the word love. Even writing it feels weird. But there is this. When I stayed over after the barbecue, I wasn't worried about waking you, or rolling over to interrupt your falling sleep, or worried about anything. I've never felt comfortable falling asleep with anyone before. And it was a surprising thing you did, not trying to have sex with me, but just slept with me instead. And it made me feel like I could get used to you very fast. It made me feel that maybe, just for a moment, someone might need me too. It made me feel like I didn't have to be alone anymore. I told you I'd been alone for a very long time and you said that made you sad. It didn't really make sense to you. I said that alone doesn't have to be lonely. And you looked at me and gathered me close and didn't let me go for most of the night. It's been a week. And it's felt like longer. I know you aren't going to call, but I wish you would. I'm not holding my breath because that isn't something I do. I just wanted you to know that you've reminded me that there are other people in the world who can be good for me. Maybe nobody else is like you, but it isn't up to me. It's your choice and your life and you have to what's best for you and I guess that it isn't me. But it was nice to meet you. 110912 what's it to you? who go blather from