oldephebe_and_i_just_can't_believe_part_deaux oldephebe um yeah seems like the first one is all wacked, or the blathepage has reached its capacity as far as memory so I guess I'll just resume the incontinence here so I think Daf had asked me if I really talk or write this way - umm yeah, but only with my closest friends 'cause of all the spiritual slogging through amber and all we all have many parts to play eh? so if any one wants to rap or slap me around or cry on the old shoulder or something, something, you wont have to slog through the mud on the first blathepage of this name, just come here yeah - have to get back to you on the stuff I read yesterday - just dashed in to slap this on the screen 030823 ... misstree definitely agree about the slogging through amber... that's one indicator of how close i am with someone, how thick my words are, how much i don't dumb things down or avoid describing things in non-linear, non-standard ways... kinda scares me sometimes when i meet someone and immediately fall into that, when we both pause in our speech as if to build the words that carry the most precise weight. but very fulfilling to speak such. it's a brain workout. and i, ruler of all things deciduous, have deemed that you are no longer allowed to say that you have no poetic instinct. it's just a damn lie. so there. ya. guess i should get back to that coffee... 030823 ... Dafremen Thank GOD there's a part two. 030823 ... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ (psst. That's yer Q god...god?) 030823 ... oldephebe well then ruler of all things deciduous, i'll try not to be so self-deprecating but it will be hard with intelligent, intuitive people like you, sharing the many facets of their beings on these resplendent blue pages thankyou - and you have a wholly destinctive voice, you shape-shifter you Hey Daf, yeah Gregory Hines is dead sadly, umm I think it was colon cancer or something - 030823 ... Dafremen Hey...I'm sorry to hear that, he was a very talented man. Of course, when you dance THAT fast, I don't suppose it's very good for the colon. 030823 ... oldephebe Yeah, and the thing about G Hines was that he was an adept and actor and singer as well - even held his own singing with Luthor Vandross (Luthor has emerged from his stroke induced coma, the stroke was inuced by his diabetes) G.Hines yeah had great comedic timing - his last stint was on that show (the one with the straight guy who plays a reserved or normal gay professional who has this intense platonic thing with this gorgeous, taut effervescent red head - the cast is rounded out by this flamboyantly gay character that just sends my abdomen into paraoxyms of undulation and the woman who has this harpy voice excavates sonic fissures up and down the entire CNS - as a kid i worshipped sammy davis, frank sinatra, and dean martin - always dreamed of singing and dancing on broadway - until some physical problems pretty much rendered any kind of serious dancing a serious fantasy - but ah yeah, a serious loss to the world of entertainment - read something really tortuous by ash tonight - haunting unsparing revelation.. later ... 030823 ... Dafremen Read blather_tragedy . Let me know if you find that as haunting. 030824 ... oldephebe In ref to ash's "twisted mocking parrallels" ash - I may may embroider these blue frames with my ornate and empty air, i may in the seizure of my self-obseesion churn and vex my breaths into transcendant spumes of chant, the churning of hyperbole, i am a shrine unto myself - and that is all - this song of harrow, this is more than a barely sketched personality beneath lattice upon lattice of gilded filligree, all is made meretricious before this/your self-poseesed song of harrow, shear the nightingale of all its feathers and all that is left is a voice and nothing more - and yet what you have wrought here cries out - like the words of Job - it's authenticity cannot be questioned - in todays constructed simulacrae)s)sp) - throngs before the electric cyclops - give us our spectacle - give us our gore - but let it not be real - let it not touch us - let it just steal the torture(s), the searing drops of implacable marching time, lift those minute into hours off of us - and god for what ever you do - do not provide an interregnum - a space - a lacunae - for a mind - a self - to contemplate its fallen state - i am willing to dip my ladle into this song of harrow and be burned by it - it is that real - the goraning soul - wailing under the walls I hope my words do not offend - this is a sacred space - i hope i have not desecrated it with my comments - I did read it daf - quite unsettling - tragic - 030824 ... oldephebe i ran my mouth way too mcuh today - gotta say though - imposter, pipedream, U-24, The Stork, endless, crimson, unhinged, "i ain't sayin" misstree really put thier thing down today (or yesterday it's 3:07AM here) jane,ash, and others who i can't recall - if anybody who really knew read my blathes they'd be able to figure out my true identity and ring my bell and snicker gleefully at all this babble, towers of babble - i'm actually starting to get into astrology a little bit due to dafs passionate sharing of one of his life's vocations - The Spork made me think about yeah all the verbiage - the envogue language of business/corporate speak - some of it is decadent, effete, but i approach business the same way i do every thing, with my heart - poeple with work with you if you climb down off the pedestal and teach ith patience and compassion and an infectious effervesence - transmit your belief to the interlocutor the "other" they'll catch it! my soul is a moaning ghost -that's it simply - for the person who shared her affinity for the tale of sparticus (yea i know an actual historical figurant) excellent- 'nuff said later ... 030905 ... oldephebe people will work with you - flagjabbit! 030905 ... oldephebe I have written in these pages, of my valiant or somehow enobling or rather ephebic gyrations, of my fight against the dying of the light. And I am coming to a critical impasse or juncture in this fleeting time - this brief smear of years upon this plane - I have looked back upon these years, i have looked with an unpoetic eye at what my emotionalism, my pursuit of some aesthetic first gleaned in a world that doesn't exist - I am not a child I can no longer afford this kind of recalcitrance - I took my son to see Seabiscuit this weekend - I did not shed one tear, no frog in the throat, no inspiration, nothing but a calm, clinical detachment - there are some things that I must contend with NOW! And for that I must divest myself of this propensity for emotionalism, the details are of no import here, perhaps this is what .. I don't even have the verbiage or the emotion to conjure the verbiage to explain whatever it is I am trying to say. Can I live without my heart? We shall see. Has it served me well? No. I am not ashamed of the things I have posted here, but I am not sure if I have it in me anymore, or even if I can afford to expend the nearly depleted emotional reserves in order to deal with a whole consortium, a constellation of crisis contending for my care. My heart, I must make it an enemy to me. As someone wrote, my emotional responses when it comes to real issues self-preservation or outrage, when I as a man am called to act and not sit idly by and watch my family burn all around me - someoe said perhaps it is too much for me and so that is why I keep everything in check. That is true. And now because of what I must do, I cannot afford the luxury or distraction of sentimentality, lofty or idealistic expectations. I know how I am made. And so this begins, this only begins the path toward wisdom, my wisdom for me, period. Maybe it's not so bad, maybe..And when these things are past, which may not be for quite some time perhaps then I can return to or afford the luxury, or even meet a resplendant soul - and we two grizzled (not by age, more by experience - I have always felt old in my soul, even as far back as 11 years of age) and so one day perhaps there will come a time when we two grizzled poetic souls can rediscover the world of light together again, I'm not holding my breath, but that would be a lovely thing - for now and at least the immediate future I will choose to apprehend the world a little differently. I do not know if I shall see the woman who first inspired me to write in these pages, inspired me to write out of my heart - I'm finally accepting the liklihood that the odds that our lives will intersect are quite unweildy at this point. I cannot afford to think of her, I cannot afford to think upon any of the soft things that sing so loudly in me. I will deal with what I need to deal with, I have a faith that if nutured will sustain me. But this heart that is become my enemy must be sheathed if I am to remain, if I am to fight or "deal" I will probably continue to write in these pages, and enjoy the wondrous souls that are shared here. I read the river or something misstree had posted to that blathepage - I knew it was her because of the breadth and the beauty and the earth spirit she wrote out of. Careful..careful..I must be very careful not to indulge these emotions too deeply, it will not be an easy thing, but my heart must not bleed through the armour I am stitching over my soul, over my entire being - it cannot be.. I would like to thank unhinged and imposter and "I ain't sayin" and User24 and so many others for helping me to see something redemptive in these writhing characters I cast upon the wall - like shadows on the cave wall lit by fire - I would like to thank Daf for the pleasure of sharing his mind and vocation with me - it has been a distinct pleasure - I have been broadened by it, misstree, endless, pipedream, eyedream, birdmad, celestias shadow, silent bob, The Stork, niska, jane, and many many others, I have been broadened by your words, jezebel, as well, your Art your poetry is a wondrous thing and the world would be black without it - without people like you all who write so passionately here - Who knows? Tomorrow in those blackest hours before the dawn..(i cannot escape this side of myself that is why I hesitated posting here tonight) i may relapse, or maybe in a few days I'll write this 10 column repuditation of everything i wrote tonight - i don't know. This is what i do know. Nothing must touch my heart for a while, for such is the intensity of my emotions with respect to somethings that i must handle - if i allow my heart to be pricked, i will be incapacitated - thrown off course, thrown off my strategy - thrown off the plan - and what is the plan? Merely to apprehend the world clothed in the armour, in the calm surety of something besides my naked heart. ... 030906 ... i still aint sayin if i could, i would put my hand in yours, lend strength with a squeeze and show you that this is not the end, it is never the end, this too shall pass, and every story we carry is something to guide us through hell. but i can't, i can't even explain why your Being means to me any more than a passing dream. so instead i wish you all the best, all the strongest and brightest and fullest and may you never ever thirst. 030907 ... i still aint sayin and be careful not to put your strength all in armor; when it shatters, its failure will drive deeper spikes than the blow it absorbs, and leave you crumpled; best to also remember the bending reeds, the way of the prarie, to hunker down, to flow, to allow fire to lick over you to redeem the parts that have gone fallow. strength has many faces. 030907 ... its another secret person and besides... there is always the linguini the warm ravioli with strings of mozzarella gooey goo there are canolis too so many yummies for your belly It's a wonder if you have the room for salad too I would eat your portion for you share that load with you dear phebe still you know what you have to do This is not the olive garden and the people at the table have their pasta portions too they will not pounce upon your breadsticks because Mama made us plenty, buddy now dig into that minestrone stew she makes it thick-a like-a we like it it's a bitch-a but-a since-a we like it she even made enough even for you italian hospitality to heal your soul The wine, the sauce, the pasta bowl reflections of the bounty found in life so take your fork and grab your knife a toast phebe, to all the vino you can hold! 030907 ... eyedream deux 030907 ... pipedream armour is all very well, my dear phebes-i've got enough myself. but the problem comes when your armour is TOO effective, and that's when you realise the reason you've stopped feeling is because you made your shell so hard that everything just bounces off you- and whatever is trying to get out only reverberates back into you and jangles every cell in your body. breaking armour is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. don't make it indestructible, don't pour everything into it so when you have to break free- and i know you will, your soul was made to fly and sing the sweetest of songs- you will still have something to lean on. you're quite important in the blather-sphere and beyond; we need you around in all of your sparkly fireworky entirety :)) *gives phebes a hug* 030907 ... oldephebe thank you pipedream, and i ain't saying and the other anonymous blatherer, can't really convey what i'm feeling or how much your truly beautiful words meant, with the way you guys write ("i ain't sayin" and "pipedream") wow words escape me, truly gifted writing, um I will try and integrate your advice into what lays before me - the following blathe constitutes some peripheral issues interwoven with the big hoary and nasty things i must contend with, i took a step backward today that's okay it's spilt milk, i accept my imperfection and move on more conscious of what i must concecrate my being to with unremmitting vigilance..thankyou again, and thanks for the yuks about the olive garden whoever you are - it sounds suspiciously like daf, or ferret or blah-ze, heck i don't know but it was really funny, thanks - "i ain't sayin'" I've re-read your post several times for the sheer lyric beauty of your words thankyou. pipedream - again as usual you seem to step in right on time and say just the right thing, something my own ambivalent heart was trying to work out.. later ... 030909 ... oldephebe ... a nighting gale without its feathers the fire shut up in the my bones, maketh the marrow to scream, maketh a mind to howl such unseemly things, maketh me weak in God's strength. Verily 'tis a soul unbruised, untaught to the ways of a life lived in the smiths forge - and then suddenly to be splayed upon the anvil, to endure these endless hammer blows, this is my body broken for me, this my pennance to be smelted and hammered out of shape endlessly. This is my blood, and I crave the gleaming metals jagged rusty serrated smile, stop up this geyser. Every step is like feeling your bones shatter, like bits and bites of broken things gnawing deep into the derma, each step a grueling toll exacted upon the soul, upon the body broken for me. Ah and how dare I have the impertinence to to sweat these coals, these cold embers, the unthawed blood bled out of me. Look into my eyes then, peer into these empty windows, and all your words of care dance against the panes like stacatto bruises made by the crooked wooden tendrills of a trees' skeletal hand the wind an unseen conductor tapping out some ominous score. And so I will carry this cargo, shift it ungracefully, spavined and lurching through these days framed in fire, closer to what is left to come. There is in me always this ineffable sense of falling.. falling..from and into some pavilion of pain catching fire..(unpliat the entrails of these wretched lines, the sepulchral song..pale..pale can I drown the distance between here and then, me and you, what is to come, skip this endless interegnum, all this dress rehearsal for death. Bone of endless burning embers, fire swollen with each step, grows the gaunlet to the grave. Touch the purpled, mottled violent blooms, violent and violet, a calm and quiet desolation - I am burning beneath my skin, always burning in this body broken for me because of me, hence my humility, and what has it wrought?...I want nothing hidden no more, come now I am ready to behold your face without becoming undone..rend the veils, take no care for my humanity, unbolt the door and let your true nature run amok in me upon me, the wantoness of desolation..I am yours..at last.. 030908 ... oldephebe yea who am i kidding? feathers and all or how 'bout - I crave the serrated kiss of the rusted metals gleeful gleaming smile, here I have made my shallow prints in the snow, sign me a secret, sign me something holy, say it with the elegant poetry of your hands, sign me something sacred, watching you, and the effortless grace of your painterly limbs, and hands, even sitting still you emote the dance - you inhabit my every breath, and all I can do is ache, to break these fire swollen bonds asunder, and then watch what sweet thunder our bodies shall make..arthritis rings the jagged edge of every breath, ...to feel as if every moment your soul is sealed in mist, in this impenetrable fog, these words, this heart, this life..I am depradations daffodil, Child of Blight, bred of the afterbirth acetone of the woman whelped in rage, was there a daddy's bruising back hand, her lovers misbeggoten miscegination, is that inference misplaced, did i mispeak, in trying unravel this unReason, all of this is so insoluble, but then we're talking about arthritis eh? Okay I think I got this. Edie said lay me down by the shallow water, and sean colbin said something like i am unfinished, is there a piece that God left out? Where is the new path to perfect indifference, to perfect acceptance? Has it so quickly petered out? And Becki told me not to be so sensitive lest it permeate my being. Have all the things left untouched, unsaid, unhonored, unlearned meshed into this indefagitable consumation, something so long repressed, it went down down deep into the space behind these unlit eyes, and gathered it's self, shaped it's name, it's place and said if I will not be acknowledged, or atoned then I will at least be felt..is that what this arthritis is? ..in me? later ... 030909 ... oldephebe blah...and drecht not misbegotten miscegenation - should have written misbegotten misogyny - the detritus of so many half utttered things pool to scatter every thing fades.. lariot of fire lapping out of some unknown sky wrap me in your embrace, see my heart flash brightly one last time the gathered embered remnants reserved for just this one last moment of Being just before the burn 030909 ... oldephebe i am unsure about how i feel on this 9/11 anniversary, i didn't lose anyone personally, but like everyone else i grieved with the rest of the nation. One of the few times i've felt patriotic, proud of this nation that is imperfect and still even as we try to live up to the egalitarian creed set forth in the constitution we're a heck of a lot more enlightened then other places in the world. my heart my prayers go out to every family who lost a son, daughter father, husband mother, sister, wife, friend. many words have been written on this,i've got nothing to really add except that i've been avoiding contemplating the abysmal sense of loss. in aggregate that this nation experienced on that day. no pontification, no poetic allusions, just sadness - and i have avoided writing or thinking about this since mid december 2001. i would like to personally welcome realistic optimist to these realms of aching breaths. another unique and powerful voice..i anticipate reading and being inspired by his unique spirit ... 030911 ... oldephebe maybe there was a piece that God left out, in order to draw me to Him so that He might fill it.. ... 030911 ... oldephebe The days last breath has barely begun, and yet here is where i will deign to drool my denouement - quotidian that is - i have encountered several remarkable poets today - misstree, nom, monne, not me, monadhr, eyedream, and a again the hoary question of my gender came up again, wierd had this war within me before i even new what the truculence or vying impulses were, i have striven to scour my spirit of these things, i have hidden even from myself, so..the struggle the unhappy medium of me continues..i'd like to be hardy and stoic, and then the best parts of me, the things that define me and inform my parental instincts, and guide my pen, and tutor me to the muses, lead me to the hall of my contrition my faith those are the things that tear at my heart, this is one of the few places that i can allow those things that sing so softly in me to "be" ... i wonder about people like daf who are consumed by a fervor to share thier vocation, or leading so unabashadly, so forthrightly with others..i wonder if minister or great teachers or simply enlightened members of the laity such as daf, feel impelled by a profound compassion, to propound and prosyletize their teachings like the Buddha or John the Baptist (sans the scourge of his zeal) or pure souls i've met who can't help but kiss your life tenderly with thier compassion - or the indefagitable Paul, or The Prophet Mohommed, or Joan of Arc. can anyone replace such a prodigiously voluble voice? and why would anyone want to take upon themselves the impossible feat of filling another's uniqueness - blather will miss him, and yet new souls will come to the fore, and spread thier uniqueness, thier prodigies, thier gifts.. wasn't the Budhha and others of his ilk tortured by an acute empathy for the suffering of mankind..i think the Budha spent the greater part of his life spreading the teaching which he said he realized "was hard to see - and understand..subtle to be experienced by the wise for the benefit of the few, with little dust in thier eyes - who are wasting through not hearing.." or something like that.. i am increasingly enjoying the banquest table unhinged and others are preparing daily..an embarassment of riches..yea well what do you want? I'm a word nerd in philistinistic culture..so.. ... 030912 ... oldephebe many modes of blindness..many modes of seeing, pursuing a truth.. as long as it's egoless and driven by compassion..that's just my opinion.. later, ... 030912 ... monadh aka nomme aka notme aka nom aka mon if i may suggest my theory, perhaps it is not that your voice sounds strikingly feminine to folks it's that they see the name oldephebe and they relate it to Phebe/Phoebe. ? Speaking as someone learning how to recognize and transcribe old/handwritten/damaged records such as census' and wills etc (thus focusing a fair bit of attention on names in general, specifically errors variants and whatnot) I think more eyes would tend towards finding/seeing the name as Olde Phebe than Old Ephebe. I think that was the case with me when i first read your first blathe, i reached for the dictionary actually. I hope i didn't offend/make you feel anything but good about yourself with my whole 'there's a little donne in all of us' ramble this morning. I go off on tangents apparently. There is no doubt we each have our own unique voice and certainly none of us shall come across an identical voice to your own, nor any of ours, as you pointed out before. I for one am an avid reader of yours and I am sure I am not alone in that. 030912 ... oldephebe you make an obvious and incisive observation, one that i apparently had missed - but this isn't the first or the last time i've dealt with these kinds of issues - and i was not offended, i needed to hear your gentle and yet sagacious words..needed to peer out of my pointless pique and into something else.. i love the few things i've read of yours so far and will be earnestly seeking out your embroidered breaths..here in blather..thank you again for such beautiful words ... 030913 ... Dafremen Definitely what messed me up man. I thought it was Phoebe too. Olde Feeb..aaaa f*ck it. I'm growing accustomed to oldephebe. Respondign to what you wrote above: I am DRIVEN to help the people around me and I really don't care if they think I'm crazy or a stupid d*ck as long as they take SOMETHING with them that can make their lives better in the future. They can HATE me, if in the end they will be happy..that's how much I care for each and every living thing..that's how much I care for the FUTURE and the countless millions upon billions that will follow us out of and into the dust. They deserve to LEARN the path from the beginning...some path...any path, that leads to a life of harmony and cooperative unity here. I am so here for my people...every single goofy and not-so-goofy one of you guys. I feel your pain and I see how we as a people can make it go away, or at least reduce it. I just wish we would. The email address you folks have here with be good for as long as hotmail is around. Use it. If I can be of some assistance..USE me. That's what I'm here for as far as I'm concerned..to be here for you. And as our boy prodigy johnboy said: Anyone's got a problem with that can jus' "lik my nutz." PLUR see also: raves P.S. Howd-a you like-a you ravioli..eh? 030913 ... oldephebe yeah i figured that was you - i was just leaving room for the off chance that someone else might have.. well i don't really have a problem with anyone here, i dig a lot of what you share so there will be no sampling of hirsuit scrotums tonight or any other night - getting a bit bawdy aren't i? if i were italian i'd be so insulted by the whole concept of olive garden - authentic italian cuisine my hirsuit and slightly crenellated posterior!! so it's not my plaintive exhortations or whatever eh? maybe .. ..look i know no one will emrge or is vying for the exalted honor of being ensconced on the filigreed and extravagantly embossed velvet throne seat of some kind of uber, omnibus ecclesiastical authority but..ah you WILL be sorely missed. Best of success to you in all of your endeavors..wait..that sounded like fodder for the kid you barely knew in highschool as you blithely, perfunctorily smear this upon the back page..so her'e something from my heart -Daf - I have rarely encountered such a brightly burning lamp, wherever your path takes you may you and those you cherish never fall out of the Universe's favor, wherever you go your presence will be felt, will be welcomed, i wish peace unto your ceaselessly striving well muscled heart peace, wholeness of being..be well Daf ........................................ oh wait - especially in the midst of the crucible(s) yet to come ... 030913 ... misstree brought this over from mother, because i don't like getting too far from the source... but thanks, knowing that someone is reading means more to me than i care to admit, sometimes... as far as honesty, well, if i can't be honest here, then i'm just well and truly fucked, aren't i? aside from water_brothers, we all have to hide little pieces of ourselves from people... i realized at work today that when i go see a drag king show with some coworkers tomorrow (another coworker is performing), i have to keep my tongue bitten about being bi... i hate having to subscribe to that kind of hypocrisy, but in an office of mostly women... and if my writing is unique, well, i blame it on caffeinated rants when i have time to think as my fingers catch up to my brain. :) and i didn't mean any offense with the comment about not being able to approach empathy, it's not that i don't care, it's that thinking of it stings too much... and for knowledge, well, i've seen some *very* interesting times from some very strange perspectives, and i'm always poking at things (like brains!), so i guess i've got a pretty good sum going so far for what i've had access to, but there's always more out there... i am thankful for knowing what i do, though... even the times that were hell, *especially* the times that were hell, taught me so much and gave me so many stories to tell when we're all in hell ('cause hell is boring, and they need good stories there)... and don't for a second that you don't have a very unique, very honest voice around here... sometimes your outpourings just leave me stunned, the rambling dances, the amount of You that you bare... your own knowledge shows through, as i've said i recognized a voice with some years behind it (that's a good thing)... anyhow, i gotta go gussy up, be well darlin' 'phebe, and please accept an inordinately fond *hug* 030926 ... oldephebe um..no need to apologize..i took it just the way you intended it..yeah..i totally get what you were trying to delineate and qualify..it was all implied.. hope you have an ecellent time at the goth thingy..and i never heard of..what did you say..drag king contests? Blame it on my sheltered up bringing..is this where they ah dress in the opposite sexs clothes..complete with all the ah make-up..and what not..is it really a contest or just some kinda promenade..and why am i asking you about it..okay so.. yeah like you said those tribulations we go through pretty much smelting iron in our core so we can go through again..or be a ballast for someone else who's going thru.. you got serious game though girl..aight? hollah!! put it right thurr!! the truth that is..no prurient or salcious inference was intended..implicit, inadvertant or otherwise.. and now..i miming a constrained approximation me awkwardly emoting one of my trademark perfunctory hugs..yeah..i keep those emotions all bound together. later ... 030926 ... misstree thinks youe spiffy darlin', i don't truck with perfunctorty hugs. those who attempt them are met with ridicule and clinging affection until they give in and finally allow themselves to be hugged properly, full force, with all due affecton. there's a reason that i claim converteed hippies wherever i go; i turn everyone into a bunch of treehuggers; and, as i learned when a friend net-humped my leg, in the electronic aether, you don't have much of a choice. so deal with the affection, ya staunchy old bastich. *grin* a drag king contest is, apparently, an event where a bunch of girls dress up as guys (being contrast to a drag *queen* contest) and, at least in this case, get on stage and perform a song from a famous male music artist to attempt to earn tips from the crowd. and i had a good/bad time tonight. i may babble about it in my corner, but will not clutter your space with the worthless details. and as far as me having game, well, i thought so until recently, but god damn if i'm not doubting right about now... and really, i don't mind a bit of lascivious intent, as long as i don't have to tell someone to go away more than three times, i take it as a compliment. *grin* hell, i could use a bit of intent.... *grumble grumble* and again i'll be damned if i let you get away with one of those perfunctory hugs, you have to stand there while i throw a real friggin' hug at you, one that squeezes you until you know it's real, one that squeezes out all the doubt and self-conscoiousness until you say "this is really nice... wish i could breathe... urk!", one that says that someone in this big fucked up word values you, and that someone is hugging you right now, and not only do you risk offending them if you don't accept it (though they may be infinitely hard to offend), they're going to damn well keep hugging you until you *do* accept it, that they're going to keep their arms wrapped tight around you until you accept that they think that you're a damn nifty human being and they're happy you're around, which is really the whole point of hugs anyhow. so there. and the smelting iron analogy was very apt, indeed everything we go through pushes out a little more impurity, a little more contradiction or weakness or ignorance or naivete or excessive bitterness or just plain inexperience from our system, brings us closer to pure metal (whatever that metal may be). 030926 ... pipedream misstree, youse da magic hugger person *grins* i'd hug everything in sight if i coudl get away with it...in my part of the world you can't exactly do that *lol* 030927 ... oldeophebe aight aight..gurl..how 'bout a compromise..since i refeclt my being through my words..let me just project my abashedly tight sphincter of a personality into my pen..or keyboard and project a newly imagined semblance of a simulated being into this sumulacrae..*hugs misstree* there hey that wasn't so bad..okay..give me a little time..though..i'm a lot like my old man with the not hugging thing..still though there are about 2 or three people in this world that i can hug w/o stiffening up..so maybe that's why my words..in person and in writing are sometimes so overtly emotional..a noiseless flash..hurled against the frosted pane..heart in a glacier..heart of fire bound in its cage..yeah..i spent years in the forge building those bars..it'll take a little time to look for the key..or maybe if i drop all the baggage i can just slip between the bars..and be free! nice thought..so here's another canted column of conjecture.. thanks for breaking down the whole drag contest thing..I mo' check out yo' corner but i probly won't post anything..i'll try and respect the sacrednesss of (your) that space..something tells me though that i'm going to enjoy what i'll find there i'd like to comment on something else you alluded to in your post of 9/25 but i haven't got the scrotal fortitude..or the verbiage..um..see i think you could probably relate to this..um..it has something to do with the exasperating diurnal..or heck not just diurnal but..the many estuaries that bleed into our (or ones) soul water..we are many beings..or aspects of things bound into One..right..so man if we're so diversly faceted..i mean i wish one could know which side of them is coming out to play..it's really validating..seems like a semblance of home..like this is where i feel the most me..the most complete..and at the same time saddening..frustrating..umm..if you do have an inkling of what i'm trying to say don't put it here..umm..i know you could probably relate..well i don't know..know but i gotta feeling.. okay so let me get back to keeping every thing tightly wrapped up..i think you're pretty nifty as well..yes that was corny but in the small PA rural town where i was raised thats the way people spoke..and i miss such sholesomeness..such simplicity..intensly..and yeah sometimes the bleakest undercurrents run through small towns because they are left unacknowledged and left to ferment and practise their virtuosities thier genious of desecration and depredation..sure..but pennsburg pa was a pretty cool place to live..even the yuppies were nice and self-effacing..really miss the stalks of sweet corn..thier tassles gleaming in the sun spray..sweet corn is really good too..go out there and tear off a couple of ears..chow down and then ripa dn tear until it's lunch time..we grew every thing..everyone did.. this rustic reverie brought to you by the people of pathos scorn.. later ... 030927 ... oldephebe dangnabbit!! spell much? 030927 ... no 030929 ... pipedream yesnomaybe la la la 030929 ... Dafremen I have a pathos that I scorned once......once. (shudders) 030930 ... unhinged pheb-- see: ohio 030930 ... oldephebe thanx unhinged..i checked it out.. well what can i say but that i don't try to be grandiose or spread my verbal promenades like a peacock unfurling his panoply..that's just the way the words come out believe it or not..it's always been that way..sometimes i tend not to speak openly or freely around even my own family for while they understand me they think I'm intentionally parading my pedantry..pedantic promenade..probably would have worked better..blech..so..blibber..these are the ten degrees of turgidity that are? is? me. I'm trying to take pipedreams advice and pare down some of the ornate exhibitionism..or what some would objectively interpret as ornate exhibitionism..might also be from my love of reading..aahhh fagedaboudit.. peace... ... 031003 ... misstree i like your ornate exhibitions... each type of art is different, spartan can speak as well as lush, pastels and jewels... if you wish to experiment outside your habit then i could only encourage, as experimentation leads to expansion, but your natural written voice is so lovely and unique, it flows so from you, don't push it away it if it is the best vehicle for your soul. 031003 ... misstree wrote that before i read the_life_of_language (an incredibly well written piece), and i still mean every word and puctuation mark above. trust theyself, 'phebe. jane captured it in i_do_not_write_for_you. 031003 ... pipedream i agree with misstree, but sometimes single peacock feathers look prettiest...so the language fireworks are a part of your you-ness, 'phebes, but i do still think a little paring down will only make them sparkle brighter...keeping focus where it's supposed to be. but i have to say, biases apart, everything from you, my dear, is a joy-you add such warmth and light to this blather-blue world with your everywhere-ness and generostiy of spirit, you deserve lots of hugs :) 031004 ... oldephebe yeah but sometimes my writing sounds like a bi-polar broadcast but pipedream and misstree those words coming from you two really means a lot..considering how much I enjoy your totally original voices and the impressive breadth of both of you guys cognition..I think i'm gonna read neesh's extremely well written piece..there's some precious stones there as well..not to mention..a mini-lecture on linguistics..so..here i go off to quilt another patch upon my amalgamated hide ... 031004 ... oldephebe..grumbledy mumledy goo.. meant to say i think i'm gonna read neesh's mini-essay AGAIN.. 031004 ... pipedream pish tosh, 'tis only the truth :) and YOUR input means just as much...mistree hasn't commented much on my stuff but i DO quite like her..whenever i lean against a tree it reminds me of her :) 031005 ... oldephebe wishes every shimmering soul thank you pipedream, thank you mtree, neesh, daf, 7q, U24, jane, endles, the stork, neesh, daf, tj, realistic opt, imposter,UNHINGED,magic forest, the cat who wants to curl up in laps, and ah ever' body..HELL yay. You go girl!! ... oldephebe so agrees with jane jane - hear..hear!!! Yeah jane wrote i write for me..check it out..awesome!!!!!!!!!! ... oldephebe and yet..after all these fuminations..i cannot conjure the tirades and tempests..or even tenderness to take the magic back and compell it to bleed into my breath..thank you blather for these brief but glittering distractions..i fear the bells pull rope has been engaged..and now these loudly haunting final hours..have drug out their decree..these endless idols mocking in the mirage i made out of me..or vice versa..i glory in my time here..really..i have..o infinite banquet of babble..O grand sire of some of the most palpable shards of hope that i have dared to entertain..these past few months..i just want to say thank you to all of you..every one especially those that have challenged me so many of you are so incredibly talented..I mean real talent..and not the excess of exhibition and clever juxtapositions..and please no encouragement or words of validation of whatever..i'm not writing this for that and i'm not particularly interested at this hour what either side of the coin would cast at my uncaring heart..my heart truly goes out to every one here..I have been a howling ghost for far too long..far too long..far too long....love is possible, love can shape something incandescent in the most desolate of hearts..God whatever you may call him or her rcichly bless all of you.. a wonderful life..filled with unconditional love 031005 ... realisitic optimist oldephebe you beautiful weaver you five star chef you clever magician i haven't the descriptors to enscribe your essence nor would i purport to have such ability to reduce someone to text even you, who so masterfully renders the experience of being of thinking, of feeling with only these 26 letters we have and i sit dumbfounded and i sit reeling and i sit mouth open i can do naught else when i am enraptured by your words when i am happily drowning in your voice your beautiful voice so human and articulately so; full of hope and experience pain and fear i am reminded that i am sentient that i can feel my own decay that i can fight or flight or howl into the night and that in the end it only matters that i experience it alive awake open if i could experience how you express then i would know i'm not receding into the depths of my skull as i so often do oblivious to the obvious but worse oblivious to the subtle the special subtle dischordant melodies and unexpected harmonies and that i can dance to the beat but i not only need to feel the groove but yawp out what it feels like in my own voice you are not just inspiring to read but you are educating to look up your tools for expression but its more than that the depth of your dive when you call out from the abyss can be felt from the thickness the full weight of the sonar we decode from our boxes of ones and zeroes all i know is: if you had a box, i'd chow it! 031006 ... oldephebe RO - I am hardly worthy of your words of tribute..I quite honestly aspire to your eloquence and clarity 031006 ... realistic optimist you are too and you know it. i propose a new name for oldephebe: wisenewb, or something which indicates the richness of your experience and of your heart, but at the same time alludes to your sincere effort to see things as though it were the first time. 031006 ... oldephebe oldephebe will do just fine..thanx anyway..and again...ah..you got serious game brah.. 031006 ... realistic optimist high *5* word wielder. let us open our hearts and thus open our minds and awaken ourselves from our daily grinds. 031007 ... unhinged pheb, the modesty is very unbecoming at this point. we all love you like you love us. no use trying to fight it anymore. *hug* 031007 ... pipedream couldn't have put it better meself :) 031007 ... oldephebe each pair of eyes will apprehend the world distilled through its unique apeture of experience and blah blah..I am totally cool with how I may or may not appear to others..I just have a serious problem with compliments and such..I acknowledge your right to shape me however you wish.. if the modesty is becoming unbecoming..so be it i am now projecting a stilted approximation of a constrained mime of a hug.. peace ... 031007 ... oldephebe I much rather prefer the ablating clarity of insults brrrr that's refreshing! Anyway U-24 this is for you. Umm I actually that whole evaluation thing a few weeks back. I forget which page though. But i definately did it. If you can recall what blathepage you originally made the request on...ah that's probably where my response is... later... 040124 ... oldephebe U-24 - I definately DID the whole evaluation thing - omissions omissions.. 040124 ... oldephebe www.npr.org/ramfiles/me/19990921.me.16.ram The Anti-Ironist...*thinks about smirking and then just absently scratches two day chin stubble* ... 040414 ... oldephebe I think my recent dalliances with haiku have unearthed and set before my eyes the merit, the worth of developing a figurative vocabulary, one more quil, one more rhetorical acoutrement. check out haiku_games ... 040414 ... oldephebe you know, because of the whole psuedo-pedantic and or inept leaps and stabs at inhabiting the ironic pallor that we/I peel off every night before we lie down, frozen in a rictus of fetal constriction, all the irony bleeds off and our own souls' burns, dying so loudly in the silence..next to empty space our lover once held beside us. Oh soldiers hold fast, hold your ground, have the courage to face your reflection(s). It is a disgrace to prefer the safety and distance of irony to the slow loud death of our beings. Why are we so willing to die for what we don't believe in? Find it. Find it either within or beyond yourself. Something TRUE to keep you here. A soul wreathed in flames must endure these growing pains, these crucifix constrictions. If we are to be truly human. Courage, this kind of courage transcends all the knowledge of Man. Find that courage, break through the wall and see your beautiful aching, feeling infinite soul. Don't be afraid of the growing pains ya'll. ... 040414 ... oldephebe post-modernism - something our parents and even grandparents began to grapple with in the mid 50's - there's that dystopia stomping under the tombstones -The mid-west mask of american mores was an impressive display of groupthink, groupgrope, grouphoax. post-modern poise and yet their mothers can still reduce them to jelly.. where's ya supercilious smirk NOW see? ... 040420 ... oE I just read Aftermath by Sylvia Plath. Completely blown away. like standing in a paper shredded storm of pathos. she is amazing. 040717 what's it to you? who go blather from