david_and_leigh frAnk the voicemail message: "leigh...(awkward pause).......... ....................................................... ....................................................... i don't blame you for not answering. um.........................why am i calling you?.......................(longer awkward pause)................................................. ................................................................ ............................................................... maybe because i am your regret. because you are my mistake........ .......................................maybe because together we are something we are afraid of..........................um... ...................................i really fucked up. do you think we could tr-BEEP END OF MESSAGE. 030225 ... unhinged she couldn't stand it anymore. she pulled over to the side of the road. she dialed the number to check her voicemail. she listened. "i don't know why the fuck you are calling me....mistake, MISTAKE. FUCK_OFF." she had barely gathered herself up when she pulled over. all she could do was scream and her hands started to shake. there was one thing she never wanted to be and that was someone's mistake. she picked up the phone. "hey, ummm...hi. yeah, it's me. i was on the way home from the cabin. yeah, i turned around and came home. i don't want to talk about it...jesus christ kar. yes, i'm pissed off. yes, well kind of, not really. uuummm...shit, there's a cop pulled up behind me. i need to get off the phone. yeah, you're telling me. i'll call you back." she opened the glove box and pulled down the little compartment and put in the dugout. she found the oil in her purse and put a dab on her wrist. she jumped at the knock on the window. as she turned her head, the flashlight blinded her. she rolled down the window squinting. "excuse me m'aam. is there a problem?" "i'm sorry officer. i was a little upset and didn't feel safe to drive so i pulled over." "liscense and registration please." she dug through her purse and got out her liscense and opened up the glove box and got out the insurance papers. "i'll be right back m'aam." goddamnit. good goddamnit. he was going to search her car. she knew it. the little fuse compartment had done her good in the past but she did have a possession record. "you don't happen to have any marijuana on your person do you m'aam?" "no officer." "would you mind if i took a look in your trunk?" "no. why don't i open that for you?" "thank you m'aam." he walked around the back of the car. her suitcase was the only thing in the trunk. "what's in there?" "i was meeting a friend at his cabin on route 422 for the weekend but i decided to come home." "why did you decide to come home?" "because he had another woman with him." the officer smirked. "oh...you aren't into that?" "excuse me?" she felt her temper flaring. "no offense meant m'aam. you know those city chicks." "yes. yes i do." "why don't you get home then huh?" he closed the trunk and patted it and walked towards his car. 030313 ... frAnk david's hands gripped the steering wheel of his girlfriend's eclipse. it was one thing he liked about sasha. the only thing, besides the way she talked when she was being fucked. they were leaving the cabin. and none too soon. something she liked was playing on the pioneer stereo, something he would never choose. leigh loved his music. he loved her collection. he couldn't believe leigh liked pavement. he closed his eyes and saw her face. it was the morning after the night they first met. her hair was a mess. she was wearing her reading glasses, sipping orange juice. his smell was still on her skin. "ya think we could pull over? i i gotta pee," sasha said, popping another altoid, breaking the bubble of his beautiful reverie. "want one?" a flush of artificial cinnamon blasted him in the face. as sterile as his feelings for her. "no thanks," david said, noticing an exit sign announcing food, gas and lodging three miles ahead. "i'll pull off on the next exit." "thanks sweetie!" she cheered. she slapped him on the leg and began singing off key with the song like a kararoke nightmare. david put his foot to the floor, passed a mini-van full of nuns, and cut back around them, narrowly missing their bumper with a sticker that read, "this is not make believe," just in time to make the right to the off ramp. "whoo hoo!" sasha yelled. "go, go, speed racer.........oh yeah!" "shut the fuck up," he said to himself. he came to a stop at the top of the ramp and signaled right with a frustrated flick of his wrist. sasha started to pound on her tight guess jeans to the beat of the song but was sadly out of rhythm. the light turned green and david punched the accelerator, spinning tire and screeching as if the noise was the desperate howl of his impatience, wearing thinner by the moment. the force of his unexpected velocity sent her slamming against the door. "WHOO HOO!" she yelled louder. "david... you fucking freak!" he swung out and around an old ford pick-up overloaded with old tires, just in time to avoid a chrysler in the other lane, whose driver had a petrified look on her face. "david, you idiot! i'm going to piss myself!" he pulled into a sunoco station advertising free glass mugs with piglet's picture rewarded for a fill-up. always the gentleman, he got out to open her door, but she was already out, perfect hair swinging, endlessly long legs swallowed up in heels, skipping to the mini-mart. he watched two teen boys stop to check her ass. he wanted to just get back in the car and leave. instead he fished his cellfone out of the pocket of his ride jacket and pressed leigh's number on his speed dial. it rang once............................................ twice........................................................ 030313 ... unhinged right as the cop car drove away, her phone rang in her purse. she picked it up on the third ring. "jesus christ kar. you could have waited til the cop pulled away." "this isn't kar." she almost choked on her belittlements and her heart skipped in nervous flutter. "obviously you thought i was someone else...leigh" her voice sounded tiny and far away "i don't want to speak to you david." "you never want to speak to me." "david." he stayed silent on the line as he watched sasha step up to the counter in the quickie mart to buy some chapstick. she was obsessive-compulsive about her goddamn chapstick. there were already four of them sitting in her coin tray on the counsel. "ok david. i'm pulled over on the side of the road and my car already got searched once tonight by a cop so before i finally get busted for the illegal substance i have in my car, i am going to tell you to fuck off for rubbing your cute little blonde in my face, hang up the phone and drive away." the sound of the dead line and the lift of the door handle as sasha opened the door to get in clicked in david's head. 030313 ... unhinged ( unhinged_frank_the_story_resumes ) 030313 ... frAnk david tossed the phone in the backseat of the car. "FUCK!" he screamed and slammed his fists against the steering wheel. a young boy, barely six years-old walking out of the quickie mart with his grandmother and sipping on a coke almost as big as him looked over at david, hearing the expletive like another thing he had to be afraid of, and then looked away, grabbing his grandmother's hand tighter. david couldn't believe what a total ass he had been to think leigh wouldn't be offended by sasha's presence at the cabin. he wanted to show her he was uninhibited as she was. he wanted to give her a sensual gift. no. he just wanted to make her jealous. and now he was paying for it by the immediate threat of losing her forever. when sasha got in the car, david ignored her, but she didn't seem to notice. she turned up the music and sang along in a sickening monotone, busily munching on cheese curls she kept offering him and he kept politely refusing. when he pulled in her driveway, she licked him inside his ear and asked him to come in. he felt a swelling in his groin and letting the little head do the thinking, agreed. an hour later as sasha snored, david sat at the kitchen table, glass of wine at his side and scribbled a message to leigh that turned into a missive, then an essay on why he loved her, why he couldn't live without her, who she was to him, what he wanted to be for her, why they needed to be together, how sorry he was, how he was going to change. he found an envelope and a stamp, got dressed, and then left sasha's without waking her. he drove away, wheels on gravel, vowing to never see sasha again. he stopped at a postbox and dropped the letter in. 030315 ... unhinged she wanted more than anything to smoke herself stupid, but she didn't need to spend the night in jail. or the next few months for that matter. if she could get herself to the truckstop at the corner of rt. 422 and state rt. 7 she could sit in the parking lot and call kar. he would probably have a lot of things to say that she didn't want to hear but for some reason coming from him, they might actually mean something. maybe she would buy a pack of cigarettes first. david had wanted her to quit. he said he didn't like the way cigarettes made her taste. her hands were shaking. her breath was ragged. 'god, please make me get there soon.' the trees cleared to a huge parking lot with a tall light-up sign that said 'truck world' in black letters on a yellow background. she pulled the car into the parking space and curled up in the driver's seat. she could feel the hysteria boiling over inside her. and the hot tears leaked out and made two little soak marks on her cotton shirt. it always ended up the same way. he was probably fucking her. he had turned into such a bastard. she didn't remember him being like that when they were together in the beginning. but then again, she wasn't anywhere near as psychotic then as she was now. she felt like her heart was cracking right down the middle, being pulled apart about to tear and one ugly sob escaped her lips before she bit them and they started to tremble. she only knew one remedy for this. she grabbed her purse and starting throwing things out of it all over the car. suddenly her hand touched metal. she pulled the boxcutter out. it had been such a long time; her heart stopped for a second. she pushed the blade up and tried to scrape some of the stickiness of the edge. maybe she should buy a pack of cigarettes first....suddenly her life felt as if david had never happened. as if all the happiness had been a distant passing dream. the rational part of her mind was being displaced. it tried to fight; but it was reduced to a cool calm voice hidden in a far away corner. she remembered what it felt like to be scare-yourself-crazy. maybe she should buy a pack of cigarettes. she got her i.d. and some money out of the backseat where she threw it and walked into the truck stop. all the happiness had been a distant passing dream and the old comfortable self_hatred had moved back in. but first, a cigarette. 030315 ... frAnk david drove home, the early morning colors offering, with the rising sun along the horizon, a new chance, as if forgiveness from leigh could be a possibility. he came to stop lights in small towns waking up and grabbed leigh's book that he always kept in the wooden box of his truck on the passenger seat. it also held small tools, a baseball hat, work gloves, cds, his camera, and some fotos of leigh. while he waited for red to turn green, he skimmed her words, intricate prose that began in the secret places of her delicate heart she kept buried, yet came out of the darkness, blinking eyes in the bright light. thoughts he hoped once inspired and influenced her, life he once lived with her becoming pen on paper, blood in veins, ink on skin. "it's all fucking illusion," he said aloud. "i'm shit to her." a horn politely beeped behind him as he failed to notice the signal changed. he pressed the gas and noticed the car behind him turn on its blinker. it passed him on the left. a man about his age driving a rusting-out non-descript car. he was shaking his head as if he had just contemplated david reading while driving and deemed him an idiot. david drove on, stealing glances at leigh's book when he safely could. who was he then? why wasn't he the same person now? what happened? what changed? he knew. and he sighed. up ahead was bella madre. he was starving. 030316 ... unhinged she sat in her car all night chain smoking several packs of cigarettes. she didn't care that people were giving her odd looks; her nice car was out of place. she didn't care that two hours after she bought the first pack of cigarettes she had to go back in for another one and the same person was behind the counter. she was waiting for her phone to ring, curled up in the front seat, ashing into the cup holder, staring at the boxcutter sitting on the passenger seat. she wanted kar to call. she knew he wouldn't. she wanted anyone to call. she knew they wouldn't. she wasn't that far from home and the sun was starting to come up. all the nicotine was making her nauseaous. she opened the pack of cigarettes....half a pack left. that should be enough to get her home. she sat up in the seat and started the car. she was back in town almost home when the fact that she had been up all night worked up into a frenzy hit her. she needed some coffee. bella madre was right on the corner. and there was an open spot on the street. she slid the car into the spot and flicked her cigarette butt to the curb. there was an open table outside. good. 030316 ... frAnk david's pick-up idled at another red light. 'guided by voices' was playing loud on the stereo. he had his window rolled down to the warm spring morning and watched a robin land into a street ornamental pear tree with buds swelling, nearly ready to flower. tulips and daffodils were pushing through the stubborn earth at its base in front of johnson's hardware. it made him feel good just seeing that winter had ended. as if his bleak, frozen heart could thaw and love could be possible with leigh again. that the warmth of forgiveness would break through, a long-forgotten sun appearing from behind perpetual greyness. we all want hope. we all want love. we all want to live. somehow. someway. the light turned green and david noticed a black saab streaking across paradise road in front of him, running the yellow that had already turned red. he slammed on his brakes. no harm done. whenever he saw a black saab he thought of leigh and when he noticed the driver as the blur in front of him, he swore it looked like her. could'nt be. could it? he drove ahead, signaled, and pulled into the small parking lot of bella madre, thrilled to find the saab was sitting in a space between two other cars. david parked his truck and stepped over to the saab. heart beating fast, he removed his snglasses and cupped his hands around his eyes. he cautiously peered through the tinted windows to catch a glimpse of anything that could define it as leigh's. empty cigarette packs, a cupholder full of ash and butts, a boxcutter on the passenger seat. "oh yeah." 030318 ... unhinged she walked in and waited for someone to notice her. she wasn't in a hurry to get home. home was isolated. 'can i help you m'aam?' 'ummm...yeah. i'd like to sit outside. a cup of coffee and what ever the bakery special is this morning.' 'cream and sugar with your coffee?' 'yes please. plenty of sugar. thanks.' she turned to walk outside and she saw david standing next to her car peering in the window. her stomach turned and the skin of her left wrist started to itch. she wanted to hide. but it was probably too late. did she put the boxcutter back in her purse? he started to walk towards the door. she was trapped. she had a habit of staring at the floor and rubbing her nose when she was nervous. she heard the door open. she looked up at him. 'i should have known better than to try to come some place we used to go together.' 'where are you sitting?' 'outside.' she brushed past him and walked out the door. he followed her. 'leigh...' 'david, i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i really don't want to talk to you about yesterday right now. when did you get so cruel?' the waitress came outside with her coffee and food. 'will there be one more at this table?' 'no.' 'yes.' she glared at him. he sat down. the waitress looked very uncomfortable. leigh started to dig through her purse. 'i'll come back in a few minutes.' leigh tried her best to smile at the waitress. 'are you ok leigh?' 'god david. you are really fucking priceless.' she pulled a cigarette out and lit it. 'why would i be ok? i spent all night in a parking lot because i couldn't drive all the way home. i'm tired, i think i overdosed on nicotine and i want you to leave me alone but you won't seem to go away. does that sound okay to you?' 'i'm sorry leigh.' 'well maybe that's just a little too late. if you were sorry, she would have never been there in the first place. i don't care about you dating other people david. we aren't 'together' anymore. but i didn't need to see that. i didn't need to see your fucking ditz girlfriend in a fucking towel.' she started to route through her purse again. he sat there fidgeting in his chair, his mouth slightly open ready to talk. 'i was just trying...' 'trying to what? i CAN'T talk to you about this right now.' she put a ten dollar bill on the table and got up. 'don't call me. don't leave me messages. LEAVE ME ALONE.' she walked across the street to her car and drove away. as she drove down the street, she realized that she had needed that coffee more than she thought. her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. she was almost too tired to be even more upset than she had been all night. she picked up her phone. 'hey...kar. if i stop at your apartment could you drive me home? can i just tell you some other time? thanks.' it was only a few minutes to kar's apartment. she only had to get there. 030318 ... frAnk "when did you get so cruel?" david could hear leigh's icy voice in his head, throbbing pain that beat his soul like an animal that willingly disobeyed. he sat at an outdoor table of the bella madre, alone, leigh's untouched coffee and canoli resting across from him, evidence of her sudden departure. he pressed sweaty palms into the full weight of his face. he sat, a stranger in this breathing world, weighed down by his own selfish error, a thing of dark imaginings that shaped by choice the perils he by chance escaped. "excuse me," the waitress said, interrupting david from the aftertaste of a bad dream. "can i get you anything?" she was leaning against the chair that no longer held leigh's warmth, her head slightly cocked observing david's self reflected inner sadness. "no....um....well, ok. i'll take...no, nevermind." he caught her gaze for a brief moment and then looked down into his hands and anxiously rubbed them together. "should i take this away?" she asked referring to leigh's coffee and pastry. "sure, thanks," "do you want to talk about it?" she suddenly asked, picking up the items and setting them on her tray. david looked up at her again, saw the long hair the color of chestnuts framing high cheekbones and perfect brace-aligned teeth. her body, pert breasts and tight ass were innocently straining against the latest fashion. her fragrance was slight but enticing. the morning light was reflected on the edges of her lips. long eyelashes bathed soft brown tiger eyes. david caught himself, wriggling fish on hook, and he realized in a flash of quiet desperation who he was, what he was doing and why leigh hated him for it. why any girl would find him repulsive. but he could not stop himself. yet, it would be here, in this moment of decision that he could take the first step on a long road that would lead him back into leigh's arms. he closed his eyes and suspended time. he imagined the waitress sitting down, himself pouring out his heart, the conversation turning reflective, she would share similar stories, they would laugh together, cling on to similarities, numbers would be exchanged, they would date, they would end up in bed.... david pressed his fingers against his eyes and sighed. "thanks for your concern," he said smiling at her and the vision of possibility disappeared. "but, i'm ok." she paused for a moment as if she was going to say something else and then smiled back at him without showing teeth. she turned away. 030320 ... unhinged karago was waiting on the street looking for her when she pulled up. he ran over to her car as she was parking it. 'leigh are you ok?' 'no, i don't think i am.' and suddenly as she had started to climb out of the car she stumbled and fell into a pile of mud outside the cardoor. karago came over to help her up and she wouldn't stand up. 'leigh...LEIGH. what is wrong with you?' 'don't take me home kar. please don't take me home.' 'you are incoherent. what is wrong with you?' 'david....da....and i was up all night and have smoked two packs of cigarettes in like five hours.' 'do you think he will come here to look for you?' 'i hope not.' 'what did he do?' by this time karago had stood her up and was holding her, the mud all over her shirt pressed up against his. he pulled her back from his hug and she was crying. 'let us go in the house.' he helped her across the street 'it's not him really kar. it's just the sick fact that he was like everyone else. i didn't want him to be like every other asshole that i've dated. he wasn't. but he is. it makes me feel like i am the one doing it to them. maybe if they didn't know me they wouldn't be assholes...' she was talking quietly and a mile a minute into her chest while she let kar lead her across the street. 'you do not make people into assholes. people decide on their own to be assholes.' he opened the door of his apartment and led her to the couch. he went into the bedroom to get her a clean t-shirt and when he came back she had passed out on her clean side on the couch. he sat down at the kitchen table and lit a cigarette. 030320 ... frAnk david leaned his elbow on the table, resting the full weight of his head into the sweaty palm that his anxiety had created. he stared into the blankness of the cafe table and then closed his eyes, rewinding the latest fiasco with leigh like an episode from a ridiculous soap opera and he was the out-of-work actor pulled off the street to say the lines of the idiot. "i was just trying..." what was he trying to do? david found himself in a dangerous place. snakes were twisted around his ankles ready to bite. he had turned play into logical harm, insensitively dragging leigh out of the illusion of an organic love they had created together into his manufactured world of synthetic attention. sasha, "your fucking ditz girlfriend in a fucking towel," was the indelible black ink of shame ruthlessly splashed in leigh's face staining the beautiful image of what she represented in his life. no matter how hard he rubbed, it would not come off. he could rip at it, tear it with his teeth, hack away at it with an axe, but each and every attempt would only engrave it deeper. an irretrievable recess with an prohibited entrance. assholes keep out. what david had done was irreconcilible. he was hollow to leigh, like the transparent exoskeleton of a locust. void. empty. nothing. all that he once was, gone. his words were echoes swirling beyond hearing. his actions deduced to the black lines of an animated drawing, colorless and meaningless. his love vanished. poof. dust. memory. music with a forgotten melody. lyrics no one would ever remember. but, he would. and it would fucking haunt him, a disease he had brought upon himself. unable to escape leigh's ghost, his waking hours spent in sleepless contemplation of what he did to threaten their existence and the perpetual, assiduous longing to begin again, he would endlessly question his selfish and careless motives. he would beat his skull to a bloody pulp, criticizing his foolishness, spinning his numb brain into a convoluted oblivion. her smile. the way she scrunched her nose. her poetry. the way she stretched when she was tired. her art. the way her hair fell across her shoulders, silk on marble. her magneticism. the way she said what he was thinking, better than he ever could. her love. all of her lost. spit upon. walked over. taken for granted. david lifted his face and dropped his hands into his lap like two dead weights. leaning back in the iron patio chair and exhaling the desperation that had become toxic smoke in his cancerous soul, he blinked his eyes, stinging from the misery of destroying another's life. when he could focus again, he looked across paradise road to where a stream of cars, delivery trucks and city busses flowed by on the busy current of the new day, waiting for him to get his feet wet. he noticed a store called 'hepatica', white letters on the scalloped black awning, two topiary junipers in terracotta pots at the entrance. it was a flower and gift shoppe. he had seen it before in passing and the fact that he had never been inside spoke loud and clear of his romantic neglect. suddenly he was struck with an idea, a firm strong hand offered to pull him from the quicksand he was recklessly struggling in. if his relationship with leigh was all but dead, he would not sit around and mourn while the possibility of life still existed; he would rush to her side, fall to his knees and with all the ability left within him he would attempt a final act of resuscitation. he stood up, stepped over to the concrete curb, waited for a chance to cross, and then shot forth to the other side. breathing hard from running and from the hope of possibility, he opened the door. 030322 ... unhinged karago had seen leigh like this before. he knew it wasn't good. he knew that he shouldn't leave her alone. but he also had a feeling that the worst of the drama between her and david was yet to come. he also knew that he couldn't stop her from doing something that she wanted to do. he would just be there to pick up the pieces. as usual. he hated to watch her be treated like shit and not be able to say anything about it. he hated to watch her hurt herself in so many different ways because she didn't think that anyone loved her. but he also understood depression. he knew that it was irrational and yelling at someone that is depressed and telling them how stupid they are only makes things worse. he knew that he had to let leigh work it out of her system the way that she wanted to, but he was afraid that this time would be fatal. she had a craziness in her eyes that was foreign to him coming from her. even though he was only eight when his dad killed himself he remembered vividly the days and weeks and months before. he was the one that found his dad hanging from the rafters in the barn. and he carried his dad's eyes with him for the rest of his life. he was scared for leigh. he was scared for himself if he lost her. such a fragile little glass bird she was...she had been shattered so many times and everytime the pieces got smaller and smaller and harder to put back together. there was a knock on his door. he knew it was david. he walked over to the door and stepped outside closing the door behind him. 'you have no right to be at my house.' 'let me see her karago.' 'does she want to see you?' 'no.' karago walked over to david and grabbed him by the shirt. he thought of leigh stumbling out of her car into the mud, he thought of holding her because she couldn't stand up, he thought of her eyes. 'listen to me david. listen very carefully. i do not want to see you at my house ever again. you have hurt my friend. i am not talking about a little scratch. i am talking about a big gaping wound. she is at her wits end because of you and we both know what leigh is capable of doing to herself. but you have not seen it david. you have not seen her curled up on the bathroom floor with blood leaking from her wrists. but i swear to god, if that is what you want to see, continue to push her. she put her entire heart into you david. she will probably never trust another man as long as she lives. so never do i want to see you at my house. no...do not say a word. i do not care what you have to say.' karago let go of his shirt, turned him around, and pushed him towards his car. david turned back towards the apartment and as he started to turn, karago threw a punch at his face that hit him solidly in the nose and threw him off balance. he fell to the ground with a solid thud. the door opened behind him. 'leigh, go back inside please.' 'karago...christ jesus what is WRONG with you?' david was rolling in the grass holding his nose. there was blood all over his shirt. 'i would rather see his blood than yours.' she had started to walk towards david and karago's words hit her. all night long she had pictured her blood bathing the leather interior of her car. she stopped and turned to look at karago. he looked like he was on the verge of tears. 'please go back inside leigh.' she turned back to david and knelt down beside him and rolled him over so she could look at his face. a huge black bruise was already forming at the bridge of his nose. there was congealed blood all over his upper lip and mouth and chin. 'i told you to leave me alone david. you should go to the hospital.' she got up and walked back in the house. 030322 ... frAnk david slowly rose to his feet, first one knee pressing into the soft ground still yielding from the previous night's rain and then the other. karago's unexpected punch packed tremendous strength and did considerable damage to his nose. it hurt like hell and the blood staining his white oxford shirt seemed to scream out his trespass, further evidence of his undesired presence. he tasted the metallic bitterness of his own body betraying himself. blinking the pain from his eyes, he carefully dabbed at the mess his face had become with the cuff of his right arm, spotting it with a fresh, bright red stain. he felt extreme anger, a boiling wrath that was spilling over the contains of his emotional limits, blinding him to all but one vision: the sight of karago and administering vengeance. thoughts of leigh existed only in a memory he may never have again gain access to. the white phaelenopsis orchid sitting on the passenger seat of his pick-up truck, his gift for leigh from hepatica, a sincere attempt to buy back her love, now an extravagance belonging to a time and place never offered the chance to exist. their world deduced to a population of three, with room for just two. david caught him just as he was going back into the apartment behind leigh. like a hawk grabbing a mouse by the skin of its neck, sharp, certain talons exacting calculated precision, he yanked karago by the collar and pulled downwards with the insane intensity of one completely ravenous for revenge. karago's forward motion suspended, he literally flew backwards like a rag doll, his arms instinctively thrust straight out to retrieve the balance he suddenly lost. his right leg, ready to take the step forward to join leigh inside went up in the air with a wild kick and the left one buckled and crumpled beneath him as his body rebelled against gravity. down he went, his head taking the full weight of his fall, crashing against the concrete sidewalk. david did not know it but it was at that moment karago lost conciousness. david fell upon him with a frenzy of fists, pounding him with an uncontrollable rage until his face was barely recognizable. 030324 ... unhinged leigh turned around just in time to see karago get yanked out of the front door. 'david...' she couldn't move or speak when she saw karago crumple. she ran to the telephone and dialed 911. 'excuse me, what is your emergency?' 'some crazy person is beating the crap out of my friend on his front porch.' 'what is the address?' '722 lucius.' 'thank you m'aam. i will dispatch a police unit right away. does he need an ambulance?' 'i think he is unconcious.' 'ok m'aam.' the emergency operator hung up the phone. she dropped the phone and ran outside. david was still pummeling karago into the cement. she jumped on top of him. neighbors were standing in the front yard watching him. 'david...david...DAVID.' she pushed her fingernails into his arm. he let go of karago and grabbed her before he realized it was her. she let go of him and pushing away. 'you are crazy.' she could barely whisper. karago wasn't moving on the cement. she got up and sat by him and she started to tremble. 'he's dead...you crazy bastard...LOOK AT HIM.' the police car rolled up the yard. the crowd of neighbors dispersed to stand in their front yard to watch. the ambulance pulled up soon after. there was too much blood on the sidewalk. she got up and walked over to him. he seemed to have come back to himself and was looking around like he didn't know where he was. 'if you killed him....' the police officer grabbed her hand. 'm'aam can i ask you some questions.' she looked over her shoulder at david as the police officer led her away and glared. 030324 ... frAnk the image of leigh, a final fierce scowl of absolute disgust burned a whole in david's retina. as the paramedics bandaged his hands cut clean to the bone on karago's teeth and attended to the swelling of his broken nose, he watched leigh disappear into the apartment with the policeman for questioning as if she was being sucked down a drain. the buoyant water of their life together that once floated them along on a sea of bliss now violently swirling in a vortex of his own destruction. what would she tell the police? that he was a madman? a lunatic? or that he loved her and made a stupid, selfish mistake and lived now only to seek her forgiveness and begin again? he felt it would be the last time he ever saw her and if he should by some miracle of reconciliation, he being under the compulsion of the law that poised to punish him, knew she would ravage him and wish him a lonely, desolate existence. he watched in muted vision and sound the urgency to save karago's life: the frantic search for a pulse, the insistent ripping open of his shirt, the serious attempts to stop the bleeding from wounds too numerous to account for, the feverish efforts to restore breathing. the shouts, the commands, the determination, the calculated precision of those trained to save lives. all of it holding his fragile future like an injured bird wondering if it would fly again. he seemed to hover above them on a narrow board stretched across the chasm of two possibilities: behind him the fiery carnage of the world he just destroyed: flames reaching for him like the greedy hands of demons who held the limp, bleeding body of karago and were now desperately hungry for the consumation of his flesh. if karago was dead so he would be, the worst kind of death, a soul unable to breathe. before him the unknown emptiness, a fog of ambivalent mystery, a mist of shame and failure. but still a fragment of hope. he moved across the unsteady bridge, legs quivering with fear, threatening to buckle. he was afraid to look down, apprehensive of moving forward, seized by inbalance, the sensation of falling. "we have a pulse!" a paramedic yelled. david was yanked back into reality by the obvious enthusiasm and strained on tiptoe to watch as a breathing tube was thrust into karago's mouth. he saw the slightest curl of karago's fingers scraping along the puddle of his own blood and winced, sensing the relevant pain of his own damaged fingers. another policeman who had arrived on the scene from leigh's emergency call approached david holding a steel clipboard and writing down the necessary details of the scene. he questioned david as the paramedics finished wrapping his hands. and while david was distracted by the lifting and moving of karago into the open doors and flashing red lights of the waiting ambulance. david recited the formalities and appeased the officer. they heard the siren of another ambulance arriving. it pulled over, the attendants hopped out, grabbed their gurney, and the cop motioned them over. david offered no resistance even though it was clear he could walk by himself. he laid down as if the mere fact that karago had survived offered him the freedom to grope for the smallest fiber of relief. "good thing the guy lived," the cop said, "you would be in a world of shit if he didn't." 030326 ... unhinged 'how do you know the assailant m'aam?' 'he is an exboyfriend.' the officer didn't look up from the report he was filling out be raised his eyebrow. 'how do you know the victim?' 'he is a friend of mine.' 'just a friend?' the officer smirked. leigh got up from the table. 'i'm not answering your questions.' the officer followed her and took her arm. she flung it out of his grip. 'obviously sir you haven't been given the best sensitivity training. i doubt that my personal life is supposed to be any of your fucking professional concern. there were plenty of witnesses. why don't you ask one of them?' when she got outside, the ambulance was pulling away. david was being detained by the police for questioning. he brushed past her as she walked out the door. he kept straining his neck at her as she walked away to see if she turned around to look at him. she didn't. she kept walking straight to her car and got in and drove away. ..... she couldn't stop shaking the whole way home. she had to sit in her car in the parking lot because she didn't think she could stand up. she looked around. there was no one in the lot. she pulled the dugout out of the glove box and smoked the rest of the weed in it. she didn't even know where karago was. she hoped that david was in jail. she got out of the car and as she stood up she stumbled on her own feet. she slowly made it up to her apartment. she opened the door and walked over to the kitchen and opened up the silverware drawer. she stared at the knives for a long time and then crumpled into tears on the kitchen floor. 030327 ... frAnk david was secured in the second ambulance with the policeman accompanying him. the mode of operation was basic; they would transport him to county general for treatment and x-rays and then depending on the findings in the report, he was looking at assault and battery with attempt. "i hope you have a good lawyer," the cop said as the ambulance pulled out, lights flashing and siren rolling to life. the crowd of bystanders that had gathered stood in groups of three and four, some of them still looking at karago's blood glistening on the sidewalk, others shaking their heads mumbling that they knew something like this would happen someday. david didn't respond. he lay flat on the gurney, his bandaged hands throbbing, his nose aching with a powerful pain. sure he had a good lawyer, so good in fact that after medical attention at the emergency room where they found him just cut and bruised, and after his bail was cleared and he was scheduled to appear before the magistrate for sentencing, he was able to have proceedings delayed until karago was released from the hospital. the longer we wait, the better your chances for leniency, he was informed. however, that all belonged to the future and david was just hoping anyway. "hope," david sighed. "there is no such thing." in his mind it was not karago he had beat to near death. ....................................................................... up ahead where lucia intersected with chimera avenue, a mailman's postal vehicle idled at the corner, its warning flashers blinking off and on. the worker opened the green holding box and grabbed handfuls of letters, cards, mailers, bills, and such, stuffing them in his government issue plastic box. he tossed it lazily into the back of his vehicle and drove on, his day non-descript. an hour later, his vehicle pulled along the road where leigh lived and stopped. he grabbed his bag and stepped out, did his thing delivering mail to the expecting residents. as he approached leigh's, he reached in his bag. there were two items for her. one was a impressive-looking envelope from the harcourt committee, a panel of literary judges that was considering her book, 'private psychology,' on the short-list for the national book award, every writer's dream. the other was the letter of apology from david. 030329 ... unhinged it had been days since she was sober. her publicist kept calling her and she kept letting the answering machine pick up. the company should have known better, she wasn't a conservative political columnist; she was an artist. a smirk jerked up the corners of her gravity laden mouth. they wanted something daring and edgy. they got her fucking lifestyle along with it. although she probably should have been at scheduled book signings...she shrugged her shoulders at the thought. she liked to relish in the stereotype of her addiction. she could be a functional pothead if she wanted to be. she did most of her best writing when she was high. she just didn't want to be bothered by the stupid fucking assholes. let them think she was lazy because her heart was too heavy to carry around. the thought of karago's head smashing into the pavement wouldn't leave her mind's eye. she recognized david's handwriting and placed the letter in the 'when hell freezes over' pile with the billions of credit card offers she got in the mail. she looked at the other envelope and started to open it but cut her thumb on the thick edge of the flap. she threw it on the table and sat down on the couch licking the blood off and applying pressure to the cut. there was a knock on the door. 'leigh. open the door. it's larry.' her publicist. she opened the door sucking on the tip of her thumb, leaning in the door jamb to hold herself up. 'my god. no wonder you haven't been returning my phone calls. you don't look like you could dial a phone right now. what happened?' she furrowed her eyebrows. what the fuck did larry care? he was always on her shit about this stupid thing and that stupid thing. he was so pissed at her the night of the release party. 'was the publicity from the release good for business?' 'in a select demographic.' he picked up the envelope on the table. 'do you know what this is?' 'no. i was just about to open it. it cut my thumb.' 'private psychology is on the harcourt short-list.' she stumbled over to the kitchen and got a bottle of lambrusco out of the refrigerator. she didn't care how it was recommended, she chilled all her wine. larry got up from the couch and grabbed the wine from her. he looked in the garbage and there was nothing but empty cigarette packs and empty bottles. 'when was the last time you ate leigh?' 'you know i'm not sure which is kind of surprising because i've been smoking more weed than i have been drinking so you'd think that i would have gotten the munchies by now.' her head lolled forward and larry put his hand on her elbow. 'i should take you to the hospital.' 'no.' 'what happened? you know the guy that i brought to the release with me?' he nodded his head. 'he almost beat to death one of my best friends....after he invited me out to his cabin out in the woods out there and he had his girlfriend in the shower when i got there. and i left because i was really pissed. and he tried to apologize to me like five times...' 'leigh, let's get out of this apartment for awhile. it's a nice day out. let's go to the comet and sit outside.' 'if i fall asleep before you get me home will you carry me to my bed and put me to sleep without molesting me?' 'yes.' she grabbed her keys and they walked down to his car. 030402 ... frAnk the shrill sound of the phone cut david's sleep like paper ripping. he sat straight up out of bed, pulled from another dream of chasing leigh. the sudden motion hurt his nose, bringing blood to quickly to the healing bruises and he winced, reaching out in the darkness, trying to find the receiver. more pain to the tips of his fingers as he bumped them into shit. finally he found it. "hello?" he choked. "david." the voice was urgent and serious. at first he could not recognize it. "karago is dead." it was his lawyer. "fuck." "you're screwed david." silence. david swallowed hard. he looked at his pillow in the grey light of early morning. it was not a nightmare. he clicked the phone off and threw it against the wall. 030405 ... unhinged 'i don't think he's going to make it. there was blood all over the sidewalk...' she shuddered. 'do you know what hospital he's at?' 'saint e's.' 'do you want to visit him?' 'no.' 'why not?' 'because i'm the one that did that to him. i always had to put him in the middle of me and david. he only ever wanted to help. he hated when i was sad. he was the only one that came when...' 'leigh...' 'he's dead larry. i did it. i fucking killed him because he loved me.' 'oh leigh. don't be irrational. you aren't sober.' 'my grandma was the most wonderful person in the world. i knew from the time i was a little girl that i wanted to write stories. i started writing silly little things when i was in elementary school. the grammar was accidentally bad, the plots all short and confused, but she always read them and told me how wonderful they were and how i was going to be successful. when i was a junior in high school she was diagnosed with cirrohsis. she was incapitated by it. she spent awhile in an intensive care unit. she couldn't talk. my mom got a magnet board with magnetic letters for her so that we could communicate with her. she got moved down to a semi-private ward. then they moved her to a nursing home. after she was able to walk with assistance they let her come home. that summer she tried her best for the rest of us; but her body was failing her. the doctor told us that eventually her body would start rejecting her blood transfusions and when that happened there was nothing else they could do for her short of a liver transplant. my family wasn't well off enough to afford it and she didn't want one. she felt like she had lived a full life and should let someone younger have a new liver. about thirteen months after she originally got sick, i could see things were going to be over soon. i think that she was tired of being a strain to all of us. i saw her the day before she died. she could barely recognize me. i was leaving for europe the next day. i felt her die larry. i didn't know for twelve days, but i felt it. karago knew me. inside and out. he always said the things that i needed to hear whether i wanted to hear them or not. he saved my life larry. people can have pyschic connections to each other. i'm sure you think that's crazy, but when another human being saves your life and you realize that only they could see the value in what you were ready to throw away, there forever after that is a connection between your two hearts. karago hated david. it wasn't because karago wanted me, even though i'm pretty sure he did, but because david hurt me and he could feel it. he saw it all. he met david the same night i met david. but he never tried to stop me. he just tried to protect me from him. and now he's dead. i feel it. the same way i felt it when my grandma died.' quietly leigh had begun to cry. larry stopped at the red light and looked over at her and noticed the quiet stream of steady tears. he pulled the car over into a parking space on the road and held her. 030405 ... unhinged david_and_leigh_ii 030610 what's it to you? who go blather from